tv NAACP Actors and Activism CSPAN November 27, 2011 4:05pm-5:10pm EST
gave us an opportunity to find a balance to what we saw on the movie screens of the world. someone asked me about had it mcdaniel andatitie whether or not she was being harshly judged because of the role she played and should we consider the evaluation in what she had to go through. i can understand the desire for generosity and a certain fundamental generosity in talking how people can be tracked in certain devices of life. there is also another side to that. we all have choices. would it have been better for us to play no role at all than to be seen in a world that consistently to means us --
robs us of ourw dignity. but do not participate in something where you are doing that which is harmful. [applause] let's go from there to now. have there been substantive changes to the degree that we can say today things are different. things are a bit different, but not a lot. we still find ourselves finding hollywood lending praise to those things better not to our best interest. a constant look at young men who are killers, rapists, murderers
and very little on the other side of the ledger to balance the scale in the name of the freedom of speech or in the name of the right to tell the kind of stories being told. i was one of the first people to leap into the whole look of rap as an art form. i admire it. i have film it. i anticipated what was to come. and it came. what you saw was a group of young men who, adorned withhold and success and celebrity -- adorned with god and success and celebs-- gold and -- gold and success and celebrity and they became anti-women. they did things in the name of,
that is the way we are and that is the best we can do. for the rest of the committee to except that is a charge against the community itself. where have we lost our sense of purpose? [applause] >> i have some other questions. that goes into the generational discussion. tatyana, we have spoken about that. >> it is sensitive. sometimes the critique on younger generations who are trying to explore who they are in the world, what their meaning is, what did they believe they
have meaning, expressing themselves even at they have not necessarily involved -- necessarily evolved as artist yet -- as artists yet. , not that they won't. my fear is that it excludes young people who want to be in this room from walking through the door. it happens a lot. we talk about our young people as if they should know. for me, the danger is in
criticizing and not offering a solution or a hand. [applause] what i see when i go into schools -- i do a lot of things for colleges. i do the united negro college fund tours. i go into high schools. i go to where the kids are, even young artists. to expect them to come to where you are is a generational difference. it is an entirely different universe. it squelches them, not only in our community -- this might sound strange -- my mother used to say denied -- do not air your
dirty laundry. i think it demoralizes young artists to have things like that said by the people they look up to. >> hill, do you want to jump in on some of this? >> we have to be clear about a difference between a group of people, no matter what race or who you are -- there will be groups of people who want to make money on the backs of other people. there is a group of young brothers and a group of older brothers. there are people who will say anything or do anything to make money. that is the way they are. they will sell drugs in the community. they will do things.
the question has to be, what do we choose to consume? at the end of the day, if brothers who are doing highly educational positive lyrics were selling records, you would have more brothers doing highly educational positive lyrics. to mr. belafonte's point is a more accurate point. who are they choosing to promote? there are some artists who came through the door with things that were more positive. they were like, that is all good, but we will promote this guy who was talking about killing people and raping women. there is the promotion side and the consumer side. we can start pointing fingers in
all directions. at the end of the day, in this conversation, we do not need to talk about who is running interscope because they are not here. we can talk about what we choose to purchase. [applause] i have done a number of independent films that represent us in a positive light. those films did not make anywhere near as much money online or otherwise as other things that folks do that are more sensational. i do not want to be too pejorative, with guns and breasts and sex and all sorts of things. i can make my own personal choices about what roles i choose to play. i choose to look at it in terms of projects. if a project has a redemptive
quality, i will consider it and do it. i can look back at my career and look at things that i turned down that would have made the more wealthy and more famous if i would have done them, but it would not have set well with me. that is my personal choice. but i do not begrudge the brothers who took the jobs i turned down. i am not in their shoes. i do not know what is going on in their home life for their family or what journey they are on. at the end of the day, i read an article where jay-z said he is sad and he regrets "big p impin'"because the lyrics are horrendous. at this point in his life, he looks back on that and says, i
resent doing it. what is he is " -- what is he going to do with that regret. is he going to act on that regret and say, that is where i was then. this is where i am now. i will utilize those resources to put other young brothers in a position to do something different from where i was. that is a different thing. that why i do not want to be brought to them for being the person he was then. [applause] >> do you want to talk about this generational -- >> this generation does not know how powerful they are. i have done this for 60 professional years. i have seen great growth in us. other people know how powerful we are more than we do. there was a point when a decision was made just before
integration. we were incredible, historical people. a child could not go out the door until they had a proper dress code, a respect for their elders, respect for the opposite sex, hygiene, spirituality, and the knowledge of a upon who is shoulders they stand. there was a transition from segregation to integration. we were hypnotized by that petition all -- fictional effort. all along, we had the celebration in us all along. today, is back to basics. -- it is back to basics.
they were not taught those decent things i was taught when i go out the door. i do not concern myself with the establishment and what comes on the screen. i am more concerned about telling my children and my grandchildren that there is no such thing as impossible. god is in charge all the time. there are certain things we must have before we get out into those streets, a certain value systems that are essential for our salvation. if you want the world to be the way it is supposed to be, we must be cooperative with respect to one another. if we have that in mind, you see fewer than bankers -- gang- bangers, children who know who they are and actions about taking care of one another.
i am talking about military and oil and all kinds of stuff. the most important part is that it is dying. the most important commodity is our children. a 747 is plunging to the ground and people are fighting over who will be in first class. [applause] >> willie and alex, when you first approached me about the bsa, one of the things driving you is that you wanted the number generation to know about the struggles you went through so they could have the opportunities they have. the want to speak to that? >> i knew that 98% or 99% of the population did not know who the
bsa was. i am grateful you give us the opportunity to come here so that all the people here today can say they found out who we were and what we did. these guys went hungry and got busted up. i never thought i would run into racism in hollywood. i picked cotton on a plantation in mississippi. i got injured in 1972. i took a different step. the white stunt guys could not hurt me. i would be your mouthpiece. i went up against cbs and honda and said, blacks thought that, but you left white boys advertise it. -- let white guys advertise it.
i am glad to be here today so that people can leave here knowing who me and alex and all my friends sitting out there -- we are here for all the black stunt man. -- the black stuntmen. how many young actors here in hollywood know who opened the doors? who open those doors? [applause] we are finally getting the honor that we deserve. it has been over 40 years. no one knew. my grand kids are here today. they know. all of the stunned guys -- stunt kids are here today and they know. thank you for inviting me. >> let me add a little bit to
that. i would like to thank people like harry, lou, sydney, bill. they are the ones who, when we started this fight, if we did not have the support of the actors, they did not have the power to say i want a black stunt man. some of them said yes at the threat of losing their jobs. we cannot ever forget the support that people like harry belafonte, lou gossett, roger moses, antonio fargas -- i could go on and on. i would like to thank them publicly for the time it was a real struggle to get jobs.
the struggle continues. the younger black stuntmen don't seem to realize that there is a struggle. once we got the door open, they did not keep it open. we have to continue to fight as soon as they do not get jobs. they are wondering, where are the jobs? you have to keep the wind -- wheel grinding. the guy has to keep putting his shoulder to the wagon and keep pushing. that is why we are here. do not stop fighting. we have him in office now. him being president obama. it does not mean the fight is over. keep the fight going. keep the doors open for the ones coming behind. >> mr. belafonte? >> i would like to put forth a thought rather than a platform
challenge. this is not the first time in the evolution of the human species that there have been collected bodies called the young. there have always been the young. there was a young in my day and i was part of it. there was a young before my time. there was young at the time of frederick douglass and so darner truth and harriet tubman. their work -- sojourner truth and harriet tubman. there were young during the time of slavery. the john does not have a special place to go to plead their case as if they are just dictums. -- just victims. they have to have some
responsibility for themselves. i am looking at julian bond sitting here. he was 18 when i met him. were you older? ok? they started a body of rubbles called sncc. they did not wait for history or the future to dictate their behavior or how they solve their path. [applause] dr. king was 24 when he stepped his role. that is pretty young for a man who stepped into a wall as vast as he. people take the identity of the young by pleading some kind of
mea culpa. what are our choices? what do we really have at our disposal. we have a history of resistance. you have a history of young people who stepped into the breach. you have a history of young people stepping on the buses and the freedom rides we have been celebrating these last few weeks. all of those things where the wells from which you could drink your treat. what happened between that time and now when all such behavior, courage, resistance, rebellion, was most evident. now today, we find it lying sallow. hundreds of thousands of young people in phoenicia rebelled against the president. young people in egypt can non
violently be bell against oppression. in the united states, we cannot -- done people in egypt can non- violently rebel against oppression. where is that deeper essence? >> let me frame it as a question. in her keynote address, chairman brock quoted a line from "the help" where one character tells her daughter, sometimes courage skips a generation. hill and tatyana, do you think that courage has skipped a generation? >> my last book speaks to the black family. one of the most startling
statistic is that in 1966, 86% of black children were being raised in two-parent households. people are saying, people are not staying together. they are getting divorced. in our communities, if we look at the same data point in 2006 or asian-american families, 84% of asian american families in 2006 have children being raised in the two parent households. 79% of white american children were being rates in two-parent households. 69% of latino american children are being raised in two-parent households. 31% of black children. 91% of those are being raised exclusively by black women. where did the men go in the last
40 years? [applause] why do we not have men in the home teaching young men how to be manned and teaching young women not to fall victim -- how to be young men and teaching young women not to fall victim to young men? we are not talking about what is going on in our community. we have to look at the destruction of the black family. that could be where the courage went. they went -- it went with the brothers who did not stay home. >> tatyana, present company totally accepted. but talk about courage, you are out there fighting all the time. >> i believe words have power.
i would never say courage would skip this generation. there were a lot of people during obama's campaign who were out there in great numbers, in great force, young people of color, young black people going to nightclubs, going to wherever our people wear to reach them were to reach- where them and to save your voice matters. parts of what is happening is that the history that i am is so blast to know and that i am is sitting here listening to is -- blessed to know is not being taught in our schools. i studied political science and african-american studies in
college. i never thought i would study african-american studies. i am afro-caribbean. but i am black. i went to school not knowing anything about myself. i graduated knowing more. but i had to go to college to get that information, to be educated, to know who i am. i am talking about curriculum, not to mention the fact that this to% of our kids are dropping out of high school. -- 50% of our kids are dropping out of high school. i will never forget being in the city and watching young people go into the club's. we were registering -- clubs. we were registering voters. apathy is not the right word. i went in there thinking that is
the problem. it was really not knowing, not be leaving that your voice will do anything because you don't know what happened before. you do not know whose shoulders you are standing on. it is not taught. i know that from my education and experience and i know that from being out there campaigning. kids did not know. that is part of the problem. besides that, there are courageous young people. in this vacuum of not knowing, the idea of even organizing -- why would this generation have to re-invent the wheel. >> this would be a good time to do a quick plug.
we have a web site called naacphistory.org. we would love to have more hits. >> the utilization of technology is what we can organize. it is a way we can say -- we have ideas about how this problem came to be. how can we start to educate. lou is active in social media. the naacp has it. how many people are on twitter? significantly less than half. twitter is an instant way to be in contact. i would suggest everybody in this room get on twitter. i have 160,000 followers.
i can be announced to them. all the sudden, one important thing you had to say can go to hundred 60,000 people. there are ways to deal with these issues and technology is one of them if we are organized and serious about it. it offers itself to us. >> we might have to come back to being upset at the industry. i do not expect us to do that. in the history and movies, the irish did theirs, the italians did theirs. we have to do ours. that child in the street doing wrong does not have to be out with child. we come from a neighborhood. before that, we came from a tribe where everybody was responsible for everybody.
some of the men have lost the power to do that. we have to get those young man back to assume their responsibility of taking care of home, making sure the woman is admired and respected. life has to do with self examination and getting to the other end of god's grace. i have been broke a long time. usis god's tricky way of having to rely on one another again. >> to dovetail on that, there are all of these breakdowns in the arts. even with the naacp, it took them a minute to open up the hollywood bureau. how important is the industry
and the media and the influence on politics. one of the major hurdles i keep thinking and seeing -- i had conversations recently. where is our business community in supporting our art? i pose that to you, harry belafonte. you know the value of our stories. what is the disconnects? why haven't we been able to bring that together? >> i have to make this observation. there is not enough time to speak to its in its fullest sense, but let me make the observation anyway. never has the curriculum of our schools been plentiful or
reflective of our history. it is not something that has taken place just now. it has always been that way. it has always been that way. what made other times more critically radical in what it did then another time if the playing field is level? the breaking up of the black family as it exists today is not the first time the black family has been decimated. the black family was far more decimated in the time of slavery. you talk about the black family being destroyed, it was riddled in destruction during that time when children were ripped away from their parents and sold to some foreign place.
there is something about this debate that troubles me. we are arguing in the same circle and we have not been able to step outside of that and find a radical thought that takes us to other places. what happened to the family? most of them are in prison. [applause] this wasn't some opportunity where we all had tilsit -- had choices to do something else and we opted to go to jail. there were several sold circumstances -- social circumstances. i spent a lot of time here in california. i am from new york. i spent a lot of time in the prisons of california. working with the share of and one of the great -- working with
the sheriff'. and the cousin of condoleezza rice. she is 180 degrees of her political stance. these arguments and these statistics continue to give us some sense of immunity to be bigger truth. there is something wrong here. in that wrongness, we are not speaking to a deeper honesty. we write glowing speeches. we have brilliant men and women saying and doing things. in the final analysis, it comes to, forgive me for not being involved. forgive me for not being a participant. i don't buy it. [applause] there are people in a lot of places who do not buy it.
it is much bigger than we are talking about. it is our ability to talk about a larger picture. what we are doing now is what is available to us. when it comes to hollywood, a look. it is true. all of the power that exists in the black liberty tool, we have never been able to come together to create an institutional base as ours, that says we count. it seems to me that we could have put together a black studios, a black distribution system. although it could not reach 100 million people in an instant, it could reach 100,000.
if you have 100,000 people who are being exposed to a great truth, i would rather have that than have 100 million people exposed to something that he was and meaning less. -- vacuous and meaningless. it is our prerogative, responsibility, and doing. if the textbooks are not correct, we have to correct what is in the textbooks. if the larger society is not doing its bank, that has no equation. there are black schools and black communities to take the initiative to do what it wants to do. why do we lose the it? why do we lose the most talented we have created in our midst?
let's step back and take another look at what we are really doing. i have a picture coming out called "sing your song." is one hour and 44 minutes long. it will be on hbo on october 17. people who have seen the thumb says, i do not understand how that got on the air -- people have seen the film say, i do not understand how it got on the air. it touches deeply into radical thought. nelson mandela speaks to it. dr. king speaks to its bank. how did it get to hbo? what may be so lucky. i am not lucky. i got smart. [applause]
us in pursuit of the gulf and in pursuit of large, ridiculous sums of money have sold our birthright in the name of somehow we are more victim than we are responsible. >> tatyana, you are out there, right? tatyana, lou and hill, you are out there trying to put together the funding to tell the stories you want to tell. tatyana, how is that going for you? >> it is going. it is like being a detective. you are always getting plumes and finding ways. we are also proving ourselves as a production company.
it is going well. the thing i wish there were more of -- often we think about the people in front of the camera. there are very few agents of color, distributors of color, people in the studios of color. that is something that would probably help. we are making our way. we are definitely making our way. the project we are working on and the stories we are trying to tell, we believe in enough to not have to water down the content. there would be no purpose in really doing it. >> lou?
>> we are at the place where we cannot rely on the established distribution system. thank god for tyler perry. if we cannot do that for film and hip-hop purse did it overnight, something is a lesson there. -- hip hop did it overnight, something is a lesson there. we are the number one consumer in the world. there is one coming out about politics in the megachurches. the history about how we do things that we need to identify with is happening today. it is happening even as we speak. we need to think outside the box.
we need to get the message to you. if we put it out there, you by it. it is possible and it is happening even as we speak. let's continue on that path. it would be wonderful for him to him to play -- you name it. we cannot wait for someone else to do it bang. we have to do its bank for ourselves. >> tatyana have been in rooms together collaborating, picking projects together. lou is right. we have to figure out a way to multi tear. -- multi-tier.
we have to find people that will help figure it out. we can go out and say, if everyone gives $5, we can make this movie. we can go to a studio or a production company versus doing smaller versions or less expensive material. i have been working on attempting to track down the price of doing quality films under $50,000, $25,000. attempting to do those and self- pity them and sell them on itunes -- self-distribute them so that i am not relying on somebody else. i am relying on quality.
quality does cost. there are professional editors. the reason they are good is because they have to be paid for doing quality work. sometimes, it is difficult. there is a way to do it. i agree with harry belafonte. if we think about different options -- i am about fitial an fitialane is -- figuring out my lane. as long as we are moving in a way where you are acting with a level -- courage is one of my favorite words. the etymology of that word is part. i am trying to do the best job i can from my heart.
[applause] >> i would like to make a suggestion. the naacp should use its own power and create, as a matter of its daily menu, worked at pulling together a group of artists who come with the dilemma on how to fix what is wrong and give us the opportunity to sit in a room and hammer out the radical thought and the options beyond what we have been able to do up to now. i believe those options exist. [applause]
is recovering the city with a group that is negotiating a relationship with facebook. there are certain forces in facebook that sees the social condition as something for which they have a greater responsibility than they have ever known. if you get into the facebook system, you are talking us 760 million people, all of whom will have the capacity through that system on the internet and all the other aspects of the technology to make selections. we need to give them the market place to make selectivity that does not exist right now. i think the naacp should be able to call to gather -- together the group of artists and thinkers and philosophers that
can analyze the economic fallout from the economic possibility and began to look at the way to move away from the belly of the beast. hollywood will never ever yield to the needs of people of color. it is not our instrument. it is an instrument. it is not yet our instrument. [applause] i believe what you have got to do is find a way to deal with how we distribute to our own interests and how we reached our own community, especially with technology. we are in this cage spinning our wheels. it is just when it wants us to be, speaking to nothing that suggests solutions. you will not find solutions
until you are willing to use radical thought. any time black people have gotten anything, it is because some people dared to think radically. [applause] i'm through. >> you are just starting. are we going to do some questions from the audience? are we set up to do that? ok. closing thoughts. [laughter] why don't we do ladies first? tatyana. within those closing thoughts --
i apologize again. i would love to sit here and get to the radical process. can you tell us what your causes are, what you are working on, where you would like our support? >> education has meant a great deal to my life and my family's life. my parents are immigrants to the united states. it has given me incredible personal power, the ability to think my way through what is going on around me. i work on telling children how important their education is. besides my production company, that is my passion, i want to say how honored i am to be up here on this stage -- and
terrified. -- to see what the naacp has done. i certainly would not be here, i would not have had any of the experiences i have had. it is quite an honor to be here sharing my thoughts and the things i have learned in my life amongst you all. you totally just blew my mind. the last statement that you made. it is not that hollywood will never tell our story is the way we would like them to tell them. i wish we could be here much longer because as a young black woman, my sister and i are trying to tell the stories we wish we would have seen, the stories that would have meant so
much to us. black super hero. we have a story of a real-life black girl super hero, things that will affect change the way art can. i have learned a great deal from being here. thank you very much. and to the beverly hills branch, of which i am a member, thank you. [applause] >> despite all of the things that have happened to the people, i took a page out of dr. mandela's life. i found myself on a corner in cape town where the indian ocean is on one side. i thought about all of the things that happened to my people in america. nothing had happened to me that mandela had not had happened to him triple fold. he came out of robben island
with a smile on his face. he put grace in its people and they are incredibly homogeneous. i got a chance to think about what is the optimum philosophy for all people to believe in. my philosophy is that everybody on this planet belongs to this plan. i will continue with that with love and understanding and compassion for even the "enemy." i pray that my projects will be done by the established hollywood with love and understanding after they have learned their lesson. they are painting themselves into a corner as we speak. stronger way a than the problem is today. i will do everything i can to make these stories just as relevant as the ones on the
screen today for the sake of all of our children. and for our children to practice living that way at a young age so that racism and indifference do not exist. that is the ultimate and -- philosophy. >> it has been an extreme pleasure sitting here on this panel with the likes of harry belafonte, louis gossett, jr., tatyana, youself -- yourself and hill. we have to keep the message out there. we can continue to move forward. god bless all of us. [applause] >> my closing thoughts are, i would like to have all of the stunt guys to stand up.
lot of them would not able -- would not be able to stand up because they have been busted so bad. i would love someone to do a story about the black stuntmen and at what we have contributed to society. so many of our stunt friends have passed on since we started this 44 years ago. that will be my drive from now on, to do a documentary or movie about these guys out here. i think you very much for being here. >> hill? >> this sunday will begin the third year of my summer academy, which is through my foundation. i took all the profits from all of the books i sold. the publishing company took a lot of them. i took the ones that came to me
and started the manifest your destiny foundation. we take the eighth graders going into the ninth grade to attempt to deal with the drop of crisis in our community. through support from great organizations like at&t and wells fargo we have been able to cobble together a pretty outstanding program. it starts again this monday. we are going to have 70 young people here in los angeles. eighth graders going to west l.a. college. we will track them and meet with them one saturday a month their entire freshman year. we had a young man who came in with a 2.2 gpa. he ended up with a 3.7. [applause] we are proud of the work we do. my vow is to continue to fight
the fight that i can in the best way that i know how. i will continue to write books that help and elevate folks, continue to take income that i make what it is acting or otherwise, and feedd that back into our community and hopefully of that change in at least one get on twitter and follow me. that's one way -- i look evokes ideas and what they're sending me and it's a way to stay in communication. [applause] >> mr. belafonte, closing thoughts? >> i agree and which is like to express my great appreciation to the naacp for not only this
convention but for convening this to have this rather brief and awkward exchange. >> i thought it was graceful. >> that too. grace can sometimes be the most awkward thing in any given moment. having said that, when i sat and listened devilishly to conversations and talking to w e b boys as a young man at his home in brooklyn, listening to paula robison in those giants of the day, that did a lot to touch my life and give me aspirations and goals to go after.
-- that experience never left me. today, because of that experience, i set with a group in new york called 1199. is a union, it is a local. it's constituency, just the local alone is 430,000 members. it is the largest body of workers in the east new york state what comes to labor, it can do nothing without addressing of 1199. it is service employees international union. data hospital workers, the people go into the hospitals and take care of cleaning up in this surgery room and asians who are in need and it has all those
people who mothballs and run the elevators -- belong to the union. when you take the national body, that is 2.3 million members. they reached out to me and said we have a program called bread and roses. we go -- we go on the sites for the bread that sustains the body, but our are adrift and what we need for our souls, we need roses. so they have this cultural program called bread and roses. they develop their own film and they are putting together a very large and imaginative website and they're putting together a film. they do a record company, but they know one thing -- we, as
430,000 people, have a choice of what we will go see. if we cannot find in the marketplace what we want, we will fund everything we want to see. they have the resources to do that and now they are funding their films, they just bought the rights to the life of paul robeson, and they will make that film because no one else wants to make it. [applause] they are putting together the 1199 quire, made up of people of color from the caribbean, all throughout central america, and africa and a large number have come from america. they have come to the resolve that although -- what exists,
we're going to shape our own destiny by bringing what is that does not exist into the service our community. i think it is in places like these artists, especially ones with celebrity profiles, have the capacity to make things really happen in a big way, but you have to have the mentality and cultural appetite to say let me go where poor people live. let me go to hear what poor people are prepared to do. let me reach into their place and let me help. i would suggest the naacp can reach into the zones of need and find ways to create that outside the box vision communities and people can really do beyond what is we already know.
i did not find 1199, it found me and stand me with the offer to come in and work because they wanted the culture of another level. there used program is politically active. it is politics of the left and makes no bones about it. it is not trying to satisfy all people at all levels. that is how we got axed the first time. if you ever want to find an 1199, a group of 26 young people -- i have never seen such radical fought and radical behavior. a couple of them come from harvard university.
though they make up the bulk of our energy. street, went wall want what's real and honorable and we throw our lot in with them. [applause] >> thank you. one welcome to the stage are chair and vice chair. >> on behalf of the national board of directors of the naacp, we want to thank this phenomenal panel. we have been inspired and educated and you have given us the charge and we pledge to you that we will move forward to release black america from the belly of hollywood.
also, thank you very much for giving us the radical fatah -- we love you for the work you are doing. you have been with us every step of the way, and to the stunt man association and their colleagues, thank you for opening the door. thank you for opening the door. we want to go on record to say thank you. though the work is not complete , with the radical thought and with us working together, we will get the job done. let's think this panel one more time. -- with bank this panel one more time. >> on a "newsmakers, congressman raul grijalva talks
about the debt reduction committee failure to make an agreement. that's a today at 6:00 on c- span. >> this past july 4th, in a ceremony held aboard the uss constitution, simon winchester, offer of the professor and a madman, became an american citizen. >> i decided i would take the necessary steps and i have to confess i got one of the questions wrong. one of my australian friends who is also up for citizenship -- i got one of the questions are wrong. i feel a fool confessing it to you, but it was what was the
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