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tv   The Greg Gutfeld Show  FOX News  July 7, 2019 1:00am-2:00am PDT

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>> want a beer? greg: i will never drink beer again. they also go to the dentist just like you and me. >> diana will tell us about growing up. >> they watch porn with their mom! just like you and me. >> a promise or would go to the movie theater and see the new
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movie. i just -- i was sure she would not say no. i made a mistake. i took my mother to see deep throat. [laughter] greg: what voting block was he trying to win over with that story? the crazy pervert who goes to porto's with his mom voting block? a huge block! great story though. when you have 20 candidates in the mix at some point is just for like a bunch of retreads all trying to outdo themselves with a line for a friend on twitter. donald trump didn't do any of that as a candidate. he stood at the podium, got the crowd fired up, no one bulldozed him to get to the condiments. [inaudible] [laughter]
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greg: well -- always gets applause. and he did not see trump doing this. >> we are talking about how many days are left in the school year. cutting out some of this year hair when you get older, it grows out of your ears. you do not get it cut -- [laughter] greg: we see how donald trump's hairs that would be $100 pay-per-view event. and i would watch the hell out of it! i do not need to see beto 's ear hair i don't need to see him much less is your hair. but trump didn't said that he packed a stadium and a strong rallying cry. >> we will make america great again! thank you. thank you very much. thank you.
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we will make america great again. thank you, take you very much. we will make america great again. greg: that was a slogan! [applause] but what does the other side have? >> i will be bold without the bold. [laughter] silence. of all the candidates in the race. i think i will miss him the most. and of course there is joe. >> my name is joe biden, i'm running for the president of united states, look me over. you like what you see, help not, if not vote for the other person. greg: i think they are going to vote for the other person. i don't know what is worse that joe is so tired were that he was still the front runner after that. but you know he does not sound tired? >> you know who got me elected? i got me elected. [applause]
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[applause] greg: right now, that is what the election is coming down to. this is trump. [inaudible] greg: this is any one of the democrats.♪ ♪ [music] greg: i need to get that back. fact is, trump has made it hard to judge anyone on politics. it is probably the greatest unintentional benefit of his presidency. sure we've got a great economy and great unemployment. but we are seeing something else happening. a challengeto the stereotypes, the platitudes, the clichcs, the old guard feels so tired
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and lame . which is why i know trump will face in 2020. >> mr. president, if you're listening, i want you to hear me, please. you harness fear for political purposes and only love can cast that out. so i, sir, i have a feeling you know you're doing. i will harness love for political purposes. i will meet you in that field answer, love will win. greg: yes! [applause] he is so bland he makes pat boone seem dangerous. [laughter] host of the quiz show on "fox nation", tom. [applause] he performs his service if he is nervous. joe mackie, comedian. she is sassy but keeps it classy, the host of sincerely
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katon "fox nation", -- and my massive sidekick, tyrus. [applause] >> what is your assessment in this race so far? >> what do you mean that you will miss swallwell? >> i want donald trump she's misspoken. what would you like, a swell wall or a swalwell? [applause] i actually said this on my show and then i went to the big "fox nation" event and people had buttons i had my slogan on it. greg: that's what happens. one of the few things that you will be remembered for. [laughter] it could be the only thing you will be remembered for. because you are forgettable.
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[laughter] always when i'm on the show! ! joe, i'm kidding, tom. barely. what is your take so far on the democrats, which one scares you the lease? >> i will tell you what, andrew scares millie to give me a thousand does nothing. it sounds good. it will give me money to pay the tax increases i'm going to have to pay to pay for everything for everybody else. [applause] kat? >> yes, greg. greg: what are your thoughts? >> my thoughts? greg: yes put them in order of importance. >> if i can have anything that world i would have marion williamson be the democratic nominee. greg: me too. >> are friends occur, right?
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greg: you. >> i see them about once every six months. because it's a little bit harder to talk about your process ominously just rub crystals on your knees. you know and they will go away. or you know, that is because the moon is in -- and when the -- is in retrograde and the scorpio moon libra, that's what it looks like to me i don't really know. but people believe this and they have a certain kind of in talking pictures like love -- if i say the word it isn't sexy. greg: she is soothing. when i hear her i feel like i'm bathing in a tub of warm milk. tyrus, i know that feeling
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because i often do that when i'm home alone. >> is the least appealing thing i think i've ever heard. [laughter] greg: i've got more! [laughter] >> do you want to talk about the democrats or do you want to stay weird in the bathroom? [laughter] greg: let's talk about the democrats. >> on the same surprise, and the bathroom is a little more fun. [laughter] i haven't -- there been some moments. i just -- a keep looking at former vice president mr. joe biden. and go, why are you doing this to yourself? nobody likes you. i feel -- at the same time it's a big moment for me because never in my lifetime thought people would gang up and tell white people they are not allowed. [laughter] this is great for like wow, we've come a long way but we've come too far. back up in the everybody be cool. i cannot watch with a few minutes of it because every time cory booker talks i think, just say what you want to say. but he can't. because he is to be together everybody likes. he is everybody's friend. which to me means that he's nobody's friend. so people like that you just can't -- [applause] greg: i believe, i believe that
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the ticket is, and are predicting it now, will be two women. because i think that like the strongest candidates are kamala harris and liz warren. it just which one will be -- >> is it weird that i'm not inspired by that? i mean i want to keep my money. [applause] greg: on that note. coming up, we answer your mail and then throw tom shillue out
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greg: is time for of your mail. a highly original segment that happens on holiday shows. just a handful of the hundreds that were submitted on facebook. these are directed to a including myself. peggy sue writes, you don't hear a lot of peggy sue anymore. ever since she got married. if you could go back in time to visit a younger version of yourself, what advice would you give and what age would you visit? tyrus?
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>> 18. quick kid, vasectomy, safe. [laughter] [applause] greg: vasectomy! kat? >> ummm.. just all the teens. i would tell myself that maybe if he did not sit in the classroom writing song lyrics on your notebook about how nobody likes you, or people might like you. it's all right a makena. >> i probably go back to 17 and tell my younger self, take out a bunch of loans for college. because the future a bunch of people will whine about how they did not pick the right major and someone else's fault. and then will get them for free. [applause] greg: that's true! so true, tom.
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>> if i could talk to my younger self i guess i would say, tommy, get some of that hot levin. greg: really? >> yeah. >> i am just so disturbed by the answer. to be clear just because it is you saying it. >> saying it to himself. [laughter] >> and you call yourself tommy? [applause] >> anyone see that he went back in time -- [applause] >> can i change my answer? >> yeah. >> go back and get some more of that hot levin. [applause] >> if i can go back in time back to when i was in eighth grade and do not believe the priest when he said it will make you go blind. [laughter] [applause] the weird thing is though i am kind of legally blind. [laughter] maybe he was right! anyway. next question from jerry. she writes, so this she asked
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what is your favorite movie, song and book. for time, just pick one. what's your favorite movie, song or book? i think i know what kat will say. was your favorite whatever? what is my favorite movie? anyone know? you don't know? then you do not know me at all. [laughter] my favorite book, i will go with that. -- greg: somebody reads! a real honest to god book. my favorite movie is happy gilmore. >> true. greg: tom? >> maybe animal farm by george orwell, change my life made me realize animals are a bunch of dirty communists. [laughter] [applause] greg: joe? >> lord of the rings, for favorite book and movie. should have got that hot
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loving. [laughter] >> i will be honest, i am a little freaked out right now because animal farm is one of my favorite books because i like boxers so much, the character. but he said it but now ew. i have to go with where the red fern grows. my favorite book. greg: where did the firm grow by the way? >> you overnight, stop. move on. [laughter] greg: there were like 80 books you are forced to read when you're young. like i didn't like, what is to kill a mockingbird? i did not like the book. because they forced you to read it. >> you are an english major have to read some books. >> i like the fall. i also like the bible. unspeakable truths by greg gutfeld. you can get it in paperback by the way!i am shameless. next question from nathan. he tweeted to us, who are the
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crew that act in the y'all 's skits? spill first what it takes longer to write you all 's then you enough of that stupid effective y'all 's crap. people that work on the show because we are cheap. we do not pay you. >> i'm just in the building all the time i have nothing to do. [laughter] always force-feeding me the drugs. [laughter] greg: every skit he is on a drug. yep! anybody else want to answer the question? >> i mean, this show, is is not the best comedy show? [applause] greg: if you look at any other
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show, every step of like 100 people. we have eight people. [laughter] it is including the people on the couch. [laughter] greg: it is nuts! >> you did not see me commercials is on wednesday. and tyrus does not work on wednesdays. greg: all right, enough blowing our own horn. someone was so, what was everyone's first real job? okay, joe machi i think was interesting. >> i worked at a fine dining restaurant. where people were confused by why i was there. [laughter] there's just something about him that doesn't say fine dining. [laughter] greg: kat, i have a feeling that you worked at an interesting experience. >> no. it was an interesting. i worked at a pizza and grinder shop and i was maybe the only
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person who worked there that had never been to prison so i didn't really fit in. [laughter] greg: yes! >> i have a question. >> yes, sir. >> grinder means a lot of things these days. pizza and what was the grinder part? >> i had a shirt that i had to wear the said daughter grab-- g grab a grinder. greg: tom? >> a retirement home. you had to be 16 and i said i was 16. greg: that gets me in a lot of trouble! my first job, i can't figure out what was my first real job because i had a paper route, is that he first real job? >> yeah! >> i used to take pizza, two big sticks i put them together
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like crosses and go door-to-door to try and sell them. that does not count like a job. >> it sounds like a sick thing a child would do. >> you are not entirely wrong. greg: it sounds weird selling sticks to strangers. i had a paper route, i did gardening for neighbors.>> did you ever so great? greg: i didn't even know what grit was. people in their 70s are going, i know what they are talking about. all right, let's shut up. [laughter] up next, the first annual greg gutfeld summer movie trivia quiz. [cheering] gutfeld
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show. fall headlines, log onto♪ ♪ greg: time for the summer movie trivia quiz. i asked multiple choice questions you hold up paddles marked a, b, c or d to answer. the winner gets a copy of my book, the greg gutfeld monologue now in paperback. we cannot afford prizes. , keep your own score. what movie is the first summer blockbuster film earning 100 million theaters? king kong, raiders of the lost ark, godzilla or jaws?
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we have three right it was jaws. [applause] someone keeping score of this? that is one for kat, one for joe, one for tom. tyrus left out. [laughter] >> i'm not playing, greg. i put in the same letter up every time. greg: you can't do that you can't sulk during this. >> i'm not sulking, i'm not playing. greg: why not?>> you didn't ask me my job. greg: let's go back. >> you can't go back now! greg: question number two, the hustle starring anne hathaway, and rebel wilson is a remake of what film? >> the sting, dirty run scoundrels, the color of money, lethal weapon?>> who cares! greg: you have to play! >> another, tyrus is right. kat is right, tom is right. [applause] joe, you are wrong it was dirty
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rotten scoundrels. let's say question number three. >> maybe i am psychic! greg: best known for playing luke skywalker what movie does mark hamill in his voice to the summer? chucky, scar, ghost face, jaso voorhees ? another three. tyrus, kat and joe. [applause] kat in the lead. leading with three. you will win a copy of my book! >> thank god! [laughter] greg: which heartthrob played goose in top gun? tom cruise, val kilmer, anthony edwards, lou dobbs? [laughter] the answer -- tyrus and tom. [applause] anthony edwards!
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now it is -- what is the score? it is tom, kat and tyrus. >> i've never seen a single one of these movies. greg: question five, samuel l jackson stars in the 2019 shaft. who signed the original shaft theme? was it marvin gaye, robert goulet, isaac hayes, barry white? we have another three right. tyrus is right, joe is right, tom is right. kat, you are wrong. losing the tyrus ahead. this is a load of -- >> where all of the questions about happy gilmore? greg: question six. what chevy chase summer comedy was the biggest of 1985? three amigos, european vacation, caddy shack, christmas vacation?
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it is b, a european vacation. joe and tom get it right. tom is in the lead now with five. >> i do host a quiz show, greg! greg: you are good at this. [applause] number seven, will smith plays the genie in the 2019 version of aladdin. who played -- in the older version? -- the answer is, they all got this right with b! [applause] last question. this is, we need a tiebreaker. i am not bad i'm just drawn that way. is a line from batman, terminator, all in with chris hayes. [laughter] or who framed roger rabbit? they all got this right with the winner -- is tom shillue!
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[cheering] tom gets a copy of my book. in which i will sign it. i love you. greg gutfeld. >> it is that loving i was talking about! greg: you got it! coming up, a movie trailer.♪ ♪ [music]
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greg: let's look at the bits that made your side split. first a tourism admitted for denver colorado. after the city moved to decriminalize magic mushrooms. >> there's never been a better time to visit -- [music]
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skiing, avalanche.♪ ♪ [music] ♪ rocky mountains. ♪ skiing. ♪ denver, take a trip! [laughter] greg: that was -- [applause] we are trying to capture what would be like if you're completely hi jan magic mushrooms trying to do an ad. this is a new product we imagine for the home, a room to hide from constant news media outreach because the outrage bunker. >> in an era of volatile
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political storms. controversy can erupt in any moment without warning. >> social media was quick to call the students racist. >> when outrage strikes, will you have the facility to keep your family saying? >> my god. we have to get downstairs before it's too late. >> what's going on? >> there's no time, get the kids, to the outrage bunker. >> let's go! >> let's go. come on! move fast. gotta get in. come on. quick, quick! open the door! >> dad, dad, mom? >> we forgot billy. you have to open the door. >> we can't, it is too late. if we open the door now we get sucked into the outrage vortex. you can always have another.
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>> yeah, i hated billy anyway. >> he would drag us down. >> we can just wait in the outrage bunker. >> you are the best. >> -- and hot air comes with sensationalized breaking news stories pure with outrage bunker you and your loved ones will be safe and healthy, come out and enjoy life when the dust settles. as if the talk of the town never happened. >> we made it. billy? billy! it's the new billy. [laughter] holy mother of god. what the -- this will result in an increase in overall happiness. greg: excellent acting! excellent. tom shillue and our own, jean
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nelson as the zombie. by the way again, these are people that work on our staff, they have office jobs, can you imagine like hannity staff doing this? or tucker 's staff? no. they can barely catch the football he throws. >> that's true. advertisers always use sex appeal to get people to buy their products.♪ ♪ we thought what would look ♪ like if trump tried that ♪ with his border wall? ♪ we got this. ♪ [music] ♪ >> hey, there. ♪ are you looking for the ♪ hottest border security this ♪ side of the rio grande? ♪ do you love long, beautiful, ♪ black, rock, naked steel and ♪ sexy barriers that are ♪ see-through? ♪ in all the right places? ♪ you will love the all new ♪ southern border wall. ♪ perfect for stopping illegal ♪ flow of narcotics, criminals ♪ and migratory -- because it ♪ cannot be penetrated.
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♪ fenway park -- ♪ greg: i would totally bang ♪ that wall! ♪ and the great barrier reef.♪ ♪ >> have not been this turned ♪ out to the had a three way ♪ with those tiger sharks. ♪ >> call now because one way ♪ or another, these bricks are ♪ getting laid tonight. [applause] greg: all right! the narrator for that, the ad was our producer holly. we think tyrus now can never look at in the same way again. [laughter] this last one is the scene that we made from a new james bond film that caters to the milkshake throwing activists in the uk. enjoy!
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where are you? where is the bomb? you can't get away with this. >> but i already have. by the time he tracked me down it will be too late. james! so predictable. all i have to do is push this button and the building will be labeled. >> is only one thing that can stop a man like you. >> wait! [laughter] [applause] before we go to
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break -- that was one take. >> one take. one take one shake. [laughter] greg: we should just end on that, right? any other party thoughts? no? >> i'm good. greg: just checking it out. >> we did not really blow up a building. greg: it is all acting. big building. next, breakdancing may become an olympic event which means i'm about to win a gold metal. we're the slowskys.
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we like drip coffee, layovers- -and waiting on hold. what we don't like is relying on fancy technology for help. snail mail! we were invited to a y2k party... uh, didn't that happen, like, 20 years ago? oh, look, karolyn, we've got a mathematician on our hands! check it out! now you can schedule a callback or reschedule an appointment, even on nights and weekends. today's xfinity service. simple. easy. awesome. i'd rather not. greg: with the olympics, would
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they be shopping at the added popping and locking? the international olympic committee has approved adding breakdancing to the 2024 games in paris. a city in france, joe. each dance battle with 16 athletes competing in the men's and women's events. paris is also looking to add skateboarding, sport climbing and surfing to their summer program at the ioc as to grant final approval before the new sports can be added.
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personally i'm still hoping this becomes an olympic event. [laughter] the russian judges gave her a 5.2. you seem like a break dancer. >> i am and i'm pretty drunk good at it. i would demonstrate right now but i can't. i will take will come as no wonder they have bankrupted more cities than -- we are going through sports from other decades and no really pays attention to them now. one a and rollerblading or parkour? greg: parkour! [laughter] >> you see, no one cares. greg: exactly! kat what is your thoughts on the breakdancing thing? >> i think is good. because whenever i see anyone breakdancing, i look at them and i think, that looks hard.
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so i think it should be in the olympics. it looks harder than some of the other stuff that's already in the olympics. greg: i agree like the thing with the ribbons! >> like curling. i actually don't know what curling is. tyrus. but -- actually like the fact that i made it 30 years on this earth without ever needing to know tells me all i need to know about curling. >> you vape as a national past time. >> that needs to be -- i can, i can -- greg: get judged by the fake clouds. >> i would win! greg: what about in san francisco where it is banned? tyrus what are your thoughts? something is arbitrary likewise baseball a sport? >> i will get into that with you. baseball is a great american past time. but the olympics is, it is
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dying and they are trying to inject it was tough to keep the old horse going. but at some point you have to take it to the glue factory. breakdancing is an art form, i put up there with gymnastics and stuff i get it, i'm good with breakdancing. bad man not so much but the olympics is trying to keep people going. the summer olympics you see track and field and stuff but countries as a progress and get better they have their own sports now. and the best athletes don't necessarily train for the olympics. it is an old pastime, but it is fading away so eventually at some point it will be video games, it will be face time, speed texting. it will be things like that. greg: cell fees. if you can be based on how well you disguise your flaws. the athlete comes out without makeup and they do slp. because you much better they are without actually knowing that they did anything, what am i talking about?
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>> you onto something! that's where the olympics is going. greg: how about this? speed texting. because like with the least errors. actually of five people there and you have like a passage from paradise lost and after speed texting to their friend without -- >> i would win. 1000 percent! greg: it is right up your alley! >> and here i thought i was not an athlete. [laughter] greg: you know tom, i bet you might've had some breakdancing in your background. >> i was a bit of a break dancer! and a bit of a footlooser too! letting the feet loose. greg: did you dismember people? >> i never did that. but i thought about it. [laughter] i used to hate the sports have the judge's. i like things that are finite no rules to them. if you run the fastest to get the gold metal mac. but now-- medal.
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there is give the russian person the higher score but it shows is not objectivity. >> that's why they have to be robots or artificial intelligence or what you call those? what are the little things? [laughter] >> you have to be more specific. [laughter] >> algorithms! because it depends on whether they had lunch. there is research on how much you ate affects whether you will get like pardoned or early release. and it's like, i mean think about that. the same thing with the lipids they have to be judges. >> if he arrested and you go to court, bring a sandwich! [laughter] >> so true! we learn a lot from you, tom. all right, jeffrey to buy your
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tickets for the greg gutfeld monologues library. next we chose july 20 asbury park new jersey, september 14 orlando, september 15 atlanta. special guests, some jerk named tom shillue. go to stay right there i have a final thought to close out
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(client's voice) remember that degree you got in taxation?
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(danny) of course you don't because you didn't! your job isn't doing hard work...'s making them do hard work... ...and getting paid for it. (vo) snap and sort your expenses to save over $4,600 at tax time. quickbooks. backing you. filling in 'cause for 75 years, smokey only said... smokey bear: only you can prevent wildfires. colbert: meanwhile, the song was wrong... we did start the fire. go to to learn more about wildfire prevention.
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>> a quick shout out those that make boxes and games and toys for kids in the hospital jared if you like to make a donation or get involved.
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>> nicely done. [applause] i have a final thought we are saying goodbye to a very important member of the staff go come here. don't cry. our studio audience coordinator if you ever been to a live show which about 20000 people because she puts you there. getting e-mails yelling about something she is the one i had to read it and be nice to you. she's when it deals with cranky people she worked with us back in the red eye days and a big part of the show success and we will miss you. give her a hand. [applause] thank you.
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i am greg gutfeld. i love you america. [applause] tomorrow at noon. "fox report" is next. >> experts warn large aftershocks could continue for days or weeks after southern california is hit with a major earthquake in less than two days. fears of when long anticipated big one might strike. good evening i'm jon scott and this is the "fox report." friday's 7.1 magnitude quake is strongest to hit the region in 20 years. prompting officials to declare a state of emergency for the area. this latest quake centered 11 mielgs from the city of ridge crest the same area of the mojave desert where a 6.4 magnitude quake struck just one day earlier. >> notice that


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