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tv   The Greg Gutfeld Show  FOX News  January 26, 2020 1:00am-2:00am PST

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this. get it from nancy. the great couple shows coming up and i will see you next saturday night. thank you so much for being with us. ♪ >> there's a reason why we are still here, is a five till midnight. >> it's your damn fault. [cheering] >> impeachment, they came, they saw, they spewed like clowns with dysentery. in the media slobbered like hunter biden in a strip club. >> i thought adam schiff's performance was maybe his best. i thought it was dazzling, the way he mold through the facts of the case in the historical
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context was really remarkable. >> it was a virtuoso performance. >> adam schiff rock. his trending on social media. >> most dead people trend on twitter two. [laughter] the particular response for me would be to mock the media for the verbal general. you would be right. that was verbal droll. impeachment is not meant for you or the gratification. the democrats are printing the shirts with the i word on them shooting them at you. if there's one take away it would be the. >> the president's misconduct cannot be decided at the ballot box. we cannot be assured that the vote will be fairly worn. >> he told the truth. it's not about relitigating 2016 but preventing a win in 2020. rather than take the field
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they're calling a bomb threat to cancel the game. like every sin they pin on truck, it's always something that will happen in the future. but it never does. any who the whole thing was dull. if onl if only we can make it me interesting. >> president trump in order to secure from ukraine he would tell official acts of immense value. he withheld the release of $391 million in biden military assistance, perky by congress in a bipartisan basis. which ukraine needed to fight russian aggression. second, president trump withheld a long-sought after white house meeting. >> that made it a lot better.
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[laughter] now if we can get adam schiff to cut loose. >> and now adam schiff cut loose. >> that's a good party hop. i believe he's turning 50. what a good turnout. >> do you know how to cut loose. >> yes. >> i will prove it. [laughter] nailed it. >> hey mike. and now i will have a drink of water. ♪ >> my god. it gets worse. the media loves impeachment because it allows them an escape from their old self reflection. remember the gun rights rally.
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>> state of emergency, virginia on high alert racing for violence as thousands defend on a gun rights rally. >> white nationalist groups who follow the country. >> he refuses violent particular from white extremists. >> on edge an and on alert. a massive crowd at a gun rally this thursday. white supremacist. >> oh my god. of course will happen,. >> how has it gone so far. >> it is all good. [applause] >> all good. but with impeachment the media can get away with another giant smear against another group of people. a smear like all the others from kavanaugh to covington that tells you why you cannot trust them with impeachment.
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but impeachment protects so many dolts from good news. trump's signed a deal committing to plant 1 trillion trees, that's more wood than a home depot on viagra. stock market is higher then will wayne smoking a joint made in seth rogen's hair. [applause] he is still dead. as dead as tom arnold's career. maybe not that dead. [laughter] but impeachment exist in reality because reality is good. right adam? >> and now adam schiff gets interrogated. >> mr. adam schiff we saw you shoplift on camera, please empty your pockets. know the things that you stole.
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where is the other one? >> i only needed one. >> okay. what else. >> my name is gary, he's a good listener. >> is everything? >> where did you hide that? >> same place i had the chapstick. >> it's getting weirder. we know the skeptics. we know how the dems and so did the dems. you can guarantee when trump is acquitted they will how that convicts within another abuse of a power, but they are hoping he will give up so the sorry candidate can finish him off. that was the point. they have been at it for three years. which reminds me, how can you take something seriously when it started three years from the people who are running the scam
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now. that is like me stocking lewd jobs for three years and then when he files the restraining order i'm like who me, i was hiding in his closet because his obstructing justice. >> meanwhile they take it out of context but the media does not care. they're too busy giving adam a tongue bath over his opinions. which is all this is, not facts, opinions, lawyers telling stories. try to protect their power from the outsider. he sees a fat bloated cat trying to hack up an orange furball called trump. [laughter] the end result impeachment is no longer a rare option but a new tool to impact election. impeachments will be ongoing, it's like pets on planes or hair on your toes, you never used to see it. now it's everywhere. [laughter] right adam?
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>> and now adam schiff meets his favorite celebrity. >> this is so exciting. >> very exciting. mostly for you i think. >> can i get your autograph. >> make it out to steve. >> i thought your name was adam. >> i've always liked the name steve. >> steve it is. >> look out everyone here comes steve. >> there you go steve i think it's time for you to leave. >> it's time for you to stop being so awesome. >> no promises. [laughter] let's welcome tonight's guest. writer comedian, joey jones, cat
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catcat, and tyrus. will you dazzled by adam schiff's impeachment performance. >> i was completely dazzled. just like the critics were. his movements told a story. good lord, some bonehead said the kids in college will be reciting this. two and a half hour marathon. who would do that. he could've recited the ingredients to instant mashed potatoes. and they would've freaked out. now empty the contents into the bull. you guys can have that.
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i love the thing has turned into a david lynch field. it is getting more and more twisted, it is disturbing me and i'm not disturbed. or maybe i am. there is something wrong with me. is your plan to boris to death? >> it is possible. i was bored in a cornfield in nebraska and i got a lot more excitement than anybody in the senate chamber. the whole thing i will say, the idea that hunter biden did not get his job because of his dad is about as common sense the adam schiff is addicted i drops as he is botox. the only problem we all went to do what he does it and did joe do something for you why did they give it to hunter, did he have the pull. >> hunter does have experience but it's with crack and hookers.
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[laughter] >> and rental cars in the desert. >> maybe not hookers, strippers. strippers not hookers. i cannot stress that enough. what did you think of the whole thing. >> i have lots of thought. >> put them in order. >> i will. i think the way the democrats talked about and treated the second amendment rally completely prove that the way that they talk about impeachment is bs. before i go further i want to say i don't necessarily love how republicans talk about it either. i don't buy the idea that her conversation would completely and totally selfless with concern for corruption in ukraine. and never crossed his mind that this was a political opponent. and that the investigation might make him look bad. you will like this part better. [laughter] when it comes to the democrats
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and they are saying because it's not because they hated trump forever and they were trying to impeachment because before he took office, it's about the constitution. i am sorry, democrats don't give a crab about the constitution,. [applause] i knew it. because honestly if they did they would have been out there supporting all of the people who were protesting. they were protesting for a constitutional right that was already violated especially like new york city and being continued to attempt to violate it by the democrats. they are the ones doing it. whenever they say constitution, i just want to say shove it. [cheering] >> it's wreaking havoc on my constitution.
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we'll be right back. take it home. >> i'm glad you mention the word home, i am concerned. this is affecting you, it's affecting me. you're turning into an evil mad scientist, your hair is changing, he's dressing in all black, he is yelling a lot. >> why do you look like a film director whose late for his dance. >> ever since that rant that you had you have lost it. and i know you have to watch certain things -- >> i am worried. it had an opposite effect on me i just don't care. if you don't care i don't care. >> were not supposed to wear pajamas to work. >> i call this the biggest gynecologist. [laughter] >> next week will get longer. >> i'm a little worried.
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>> greg gutfeld detective. [laughter] >> i'm watching and home in my pajamas. i think we can save you and save me, very simply the republicans will get their turn if they can stand up and all the lawyers stand up, do a prayer to the pledge of allegiance of the flood, have mitch stand up and say are you ready to vote. [cheering] and everything goes back to normal. >> we have to roll but that's perfect idea. perfect idea. more after
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call today. comcast business. beyond fast. >> now the 2020 candidates. he stood firm and made liz squirm. elizabeth warren's promise to cancel student loan debt if she is elected president her plan would give a few thousand dollars of debt for those that make less than 100 grand a year. bernie says he would cancel all student loan debt. at an event in iowa a guy walked up to warn and said this. >> my daughter has been out of school how my going to get my
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money back. [laughter] >> of course not. at least he's honest about this. >> anyway i interrupted continue. >> so you will pay for people who did not take money and did the right thing they get screwed. >> my body bought a car, went on vacation and he made more. that's exactly what you're doing, we did the right thing but we get screwed. [cheering] >> probably a lot of native american saying she is not one of us. he is probably not the only parent that feels screwed. liz what do you say to these people. >> we build a future going
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forward by making it better. by that same logic what will be done not started social security because we do not started last week or last month. think of it this way when i was growing up i want to be a public school teacher, my family had no money. >> i cannot believe anything she says because everything is not true. i understand they are pulling the answer with voters. let's check in. [speaking in foreign language] [laughter] >> joey, i am without voter wit.
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>> his buddies are a winner, he bought a car, went on vacation i want to go without guy. i don't know why this guys complaining. >> i'm slipping into pjs. he's going to make jokes about his legs, it's okay to laugh about it he does all the time. put your best foot forward. >> kelly, make your point. >> that's a good old-fashioned chewing. i'm glad he did it, that was perfect. >> not just politician needs a good ass chewing. >> i'm glad to be up next on that. >> a progressive worst enemy is apollo question. she has no answer to the question. >> the whole debate is whether it's fair to pay people who already pay for college if
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you're going to pay for people to go for free. i think it's not fair but let me explain, i could not go to journalism school because i cannot afford. i wanted to work in broadcasting so i took unpaid internship and worked crappy jobs to pay my bills in the meantime. it was really hard and i worked all the time, i could only afford to live in the worst apartment ever. i had fleas and scabies in the same week. and less elizabeth warren can put me in a classroom back in time instead of cleaning bathrooms at boston market, if she can give me the time of my life back that i spent alone covered in scabies cream it is not fair. i am serious. there are so many people who make sacrifices to pay for school or to pay for their kids school or if you go on a different path that does not involve school because they cannot afford it. those sacrifices cannot be made up for. it's not about money, it would
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not be fair. [applause] >> well put. >> and yes i had scabies. >> this is what happens when you have talking points. in our business, we will call them colleagues who have talking points which means they do what greg is doing, they make little notes and whatever's on the paper they will say no matter what the question is. >> that is elizabeth warren. >> stop picking on me. >> i don't know you. [laughter] i keep waiting for you to tell me my kids are on train tracks somewhere. you're an evil villain. you let them get to you.
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>> what if i pet this. >> that would work. >> i'm tired of hearing you. >> i'm gonna go to michael because michael understands me. this is when it gets david lynching. this is the one time elizabeth warren cannot lie. she's half indian. she could not tap him on the shoulder and say will take care of you buddy. obviously looking for a confrontation. no, you're good, send him on his way. >> if you start offering stuff already that you know you cannot afford to pay for would be like all the stuff. yeah sure, absolutely. >> she cannot do that because she did not have a written down already. [laughter] don't take questions you don't have submitted. if he would've cemented that question, she would've had an
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answer. >> she talked about my dream to be a schoolteacher. no one dreams of being a schoolteacher. >> she brought up social security, that was a scam. and she won, she did not started. >> social security kicks in at 65 and everyone was dead by 60. [laughter] i'm not even kidding. it's a ponzi scheme. >> our audience's applause in the early death of people. back into hammer.
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now back to the grade got phil . >> one politician keeps coming back. we are days away from the iowa caucus, we should be hearing about joe instead who is grabbing the headlines. [laughter] >> there she is. she talks about burning in her new documentary, saying he was in congress for years, nobody likes him, nobody wants to work with him. , he did not screw in return. anyway, it's not only him it's a
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culture around him, the leadership team, his online bernie brose and the relentless attack of competitors, particularly the women. she makes them sound so deplorable. congrats hilary i think you made bernie the nominee. let's get a word in from the tv analyst. >> when hillary says nobody likes her, nobody likes her. that's what she wants, nobody liked her. [cheering] can't argue with that. tulsi gabbard is filing a suit against the pantsuit for $50 million. she claims hillary tried to destroy reputation by saying she is a russian asset. i'm not a lawyer but it should be hard to prove that hillary has a hit reputation of routing reputations. isn't that right. >> i hate the clintons.
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[laughter] >> i did not expect that. which makes it all the better. i'm drooling from laughter. what is she aiming for. there is something going on, she's looking for control in the white house. >> you can say what you will about hillary but she has a superpower. you know when you were a kid and you played opposite day. where your mom would be you have to go to bed now, and you said opposite day i have to stay out, and then she would hit you with the broom. just kidding, sorry mom. sorry she's dead. you did not kill her, calm down. [laughter] >> a joke about, but a joke about a dead mom you laugh.
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>> if you cannot interrupt me all of you, let me finish. that would be great. so hillary clinton every time she tries to make somebody look bad or take them down it becomes opposite day without her even having to say opposite day and it's more popular. to happen with tulsi gabbard and now bernie i wish she would say something about me. i wish she would say kat timpf, her career is not going anywhere. >> she still might. i'm thinking about leaving this job and captaining a russian submarine. >> or go after james bond. >> i left my blackout somewhere. >> i think this is a bias panel
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that pretty much everyone is to the right. but she had a tremendous following on the left. and she stole somebody on the left. and to think that even in her areas she still sees that she was the best shot that they had in terms of a candidate and she's attacking -- she's going to get in front of what happened. she saying i should've ran again, you should've believed in me again because this team is not getting it done. i told them what to do. i told them what to do, combined to one team, all the democrats get together, one team, all 46, 12, form one person and that is your best shot. it will be entertaining. >> michael the giant overcoat, let's all climb in.
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>> i cannot believe this chick did that. how bad did she screw bernie over. institutionally back. he should still be smokiness a. like years later. i don't like you you never get anything done. >> i cannot believe this is happening. i could not have been nicer to this lady. she is green me again. in the hollywood reporter she goes after bill and monica lewinsky like she's digging up everything, she's a queen of negativity. only one thing about her winning the white house -- [cheering] >> i don't know why i never thought that.
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>> cut the legs right out of mainly my joke. >> i have a theory here, this documentary is not working for her. i feel like probably the dnc has been there with cue cards with people who have treated her letting her reader. and what is funny, tulsi gabbard suzerain gets $50 million, the irony is that she will get the rest of the money -- >> brilliant. we have more stuff after this.
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>> he is still wanting refinement instead he got confinement. do remember michael, former lawyer for stormy daniels,
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former guy who consider running for president. a list on cable news, he was there. >> to me you're like the holy senate. you are all places at all times. >> looking at 2020 the one reason i take you seriously as a contender is because your presence on cable news. you are currently leading the pack on the non-2020 contenders on the democrat side. >> you're doing a hell of a job, i don't think you're in it for money. [laughter] >> never let him forget this. now he's awaiting trial for charges of extortion and held an isolated unit of manhattan detention center. solitary. the same unit were el chapo stayed and brian kil.
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he's there for his own safety, part of me wants to feel bad because i'm a good person but then i think he would not feel bad for me at all so i go to my happy place and i think about this. ♪ >> why do i feel sorry for him. he would screw you over in a second. >> no he won it because i would not let him get near me in a second. >> no, sir. i think they got to keep him in solitary. you cannot let a guy like that release all those prisoners. walking around promising them he will get them out of jail and help them with the book.
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looking stormy daniels, when she writes another book about the worst period of her life think about it. >> she had a respectable porn career. >> it ruined her. >> that's impossible to do. but he did it. >> usually drugs do it not a lawyer. [laughter] >> this dude is one of the worst human beings on the planet. but he was at one point up for hero of the year on cnn. >> between him and brian stelter, that was creepy. i've never seen those clips before. he asked to use three blankets, he wants to go into the general population but they will not let him. they won't make him shave he's going appear. growing a beard, doing push-ups, getting stronger.
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then they kick your ass. >> this is another example of media, they are never right. when they put all their money on one horse, the horse croaks. >> if oren were still the race he would still be the front runner if he needs more blankets he could ride joe biden and maybe he'll send some over from the ukrainian deal left over. [cheering] tell me you have deep thoughts on th this. >> actually i do. he is clearly a narcissist so i don't think he is actually that miserable about what any normal person being miserable about. most normal people would be like i will spend the rest of my life
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here. but he is there thinking cnn might be e-mailing me and i missing it, do i still have a shot at the democratic nomination. because people don't expect consequences of their behavior. the worst thing he is alone because his favorite thing in the world except stealing from paraplegic people was attention. everything that he did was for attention. i'm sure he probably thinks he still has a shot. who could touch him. he probably calls himself that. [applause] >> using the opposite theory that hillary could say something mean about him and we would all fall in love with him. >> that's crazy power. >> that's crazy power. >> my favorite story up next. when we started our business we were paying an arm and a leg for postage. i remember setting up shipstation. one or two clicks and everything was up and running.
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simple. easy. awesome. call, click or visit a store today. >> so you want to free iguana then moved to miami. it was so cold this week that the national weather service issued a warning to look out for falling iguanas. when the temperature drops to the 40s as it did the cold
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stunned the iguanas, freezing them temporarily and if iguana is in a tree eating leaves like a wall nose and my uncle carl does, it becomes immobile and falls to the ground or falls on you and that would hurt. iguana experts which there are many, want you to know just because it is frozen does not mean it's debt it is just stunned and don't put the a on it in hot water because that is cruel even if it is tasty. for more we go to franco is live in miami. >> it is freezing down here. i don't do below 80 degrees when i get back to new york i'm going to whip your ass. >> will be there for the super bowl. thank you frank. >> were going to miami for the super bowl next week. this had better still be a thing. let me explain. >> it's your idea of heaven. >> yes it is.
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some little girls grow up dreaming of a princess and finding the prince charming and having a family. i always dreamed about being queen of the lizards. big lizards, bigger the better. all over the place where it's raining lizards. that's my wildest dream come true. i'm saying, i'm warning you weather service, if i get off the plane and i am not hit in the face with no less than five iguanas, just pummeled, i will go to my hotel room and i'll have a séance, i will bring johnny cochran back from the dead and i will sue you for getting my hopes up and crushing my dreams and spirit. >> i keep thinking, wouldn't it be great if a frozen iguana landed in front of a hungry alligator. it be like the scene in animal
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house where the kid says thank you god. >> i figured you and i are the same age. >> where he flies in the window. [laughter] >> i don't get it. >> i get it. >> i am so young. >> your 40. >> that's an invasive species. through your nostrils to be there. a 10-pound iguana falling out of a tree could her person. i love that you would get hit in the face with five iguanas. >> i do. >> i think there's a channel on porn hub for that. >> i actually feel bad for the iguanas. they just pass out and then they wake up somewhere else. it's like they have a blackout drunk then. they have an iguana aa meeting. i was doing really good and then in a tree and i must've slipped. [laughter]
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tyrus is in a traumatic for the iguanas shouldn't they have therapy insect. >> if they would've fell in san francisco, yes. luckily the iguanas fell in a state where there was not an issue. there was not an immediate tweet, president trump's tweet falls iguanas of olive trees in shock. safe spaces available, a number if you witness an iguana falling to the ground. i honestly, i will be in miami and i will make calls to see if we can get -- if there on the ground they cannot move, pick them up and put them on your freezer. if we can get everybody who is coming to the show that monda monday -- >> don't do that. >> don't listen to him. >> when you come to a live show and when kat passes out, and
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then throw the iguanas. >> we love our lizards. >> not as much as i do. >> we don't want a lizard activist coming out. >> i am the lizard activist. >> although frozen iguanas back to life. [laughter] >> i and going to find everyone of you. >> i'm from georgia, iguanas falling out of trees, what's the big deal, we have the tennessee fainting goat. watch them go hopes up for 32nd period. >> i have seen that, they fall right over. where is the goat training. >> that is terrible.
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a fainting goat. that's what we used to call it. [laughter]
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(live bookkeeper) you're all set up! (janine) great! (vo) get set up right with a live bookkeeper with intuit quickbooks. greg: my latest effort in exposing a universal truth. roll it, joyce. >> animals are dirt. animals are jerks. animals are jerks. [laughter] animals are jerks. greg: thank you, our studio
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audience. we'll see you next week in miami. i'm jon scott thanks for watching. ♪ is welcome to "watters world" i'm jesse watters. the president won today. that's the subject of tonight's waters word, after week of hear from adam schiff, trump's team finally allowed to talk today and in two hours, they demolished the democrats case. even the mainstream media admitted they put on a great defense. pretty meticulous and well organized argument there from the president teamage i think president can be happy with the job that his team did. if they were smart by start with the facts. it was a smart thing to not take a too much time. again i just think -- you know, the republicans are win here president is winning here. it was like the media had never even heard all of the facts before.


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