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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  November 2, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm MDT

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>> justin schaefer. there's his dog toby. they are making snow and it gets all over you. >> it is out >> the late show was taped earlier so we don't know who won the world series. for that reason we have two messages. is there congratulations, cleveland. you played great ball. your city should be proud.
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your mascot. i also want to say congratulations to this goat. as you know in the owner cursed the chicago cubs because they kicked his goat out of gaiment. apparently the curse worked really well. goat, your power is undeniable, and we stand in awe of your black magic. all hail evil goat! wooo! way to go cubs. broken. i'm so proud of you guys. tell you what, could i get some more mint jelly? this hoof's a little dry. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes michael strahan. nick kroll. and musical guest aaron lewis. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york
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captioning sponsored by cbs ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: what's going on? hey, buddy. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: hi, chris. hi, paul. what's going on, matt? what's up, mark? ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's nice. welcome to "the late show," everybody. so nice to have you guys here. i'm your host stephen colbert. with just six days left before the election, this race-- this
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spinning teres are. tighten up. a little nervous. they're clenching a little tight right now. you could throw a kingston brick head up there and pop out something like for an engagement ring? ( laughter ) notice, a lot of democrats are blaming f.b.i. director james comey's bombshell announcement last week that huma abedin also uses e-mail. we didn't know. nobody knew. nobody knew. it was a now, it looks like the f.b.i. is trying to hurt hillary's campaign, which has a lot of people upset. mostly russia. that's their gig. and now, the f.b.i. just released documents from their 2001 probe into bill clinton's pardon of shady billionaire marc rich. yeah, all o of the documents. once again, bill clinton's in trouble after getting the full
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( cheers and applause ) this. ( cheers and applause ) this is a clear breach of protocol. if the f.b.i. is going to release documents from 2001, you do it on throwback thursday. all right? ( laughter ) read your manual. read your manual. now, the f.b.i. says that the timing of this release wasn't intentional. asked for comment, f.b.i. director comey pointed to his hat. close that the candidates are fighting for every single vote they can get, even the ones that have already been cast. >> this is a message for any democratic voter who have already cast their ballots for hillary clinton and who are having a bad case of buyer's remorse. wisconsin is one of several
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early ballot if you think you've made a mistake, so if you live here, or in michigan, or pennsylvania, or minnesota-- those four places-- you can change your vote to donald trump. we'll make america great again, okay? >> stephen: hey, hey ( bleep ). ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) a kid, but no fair changeys. no backsies. you vote, you're stuck with it. it's like a tattoo. and, yes, i regret my al gore tramp stamp. and to reach these voters, trump has come up with a new way to encourage people to donate to his campaign. >> i want to show you something very special. i am dedicating this wall right here in trump tower to a select group of donors and supporters
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contribute today, like the great americans here, and you'll get your name officially on the trump donor board. >> stephen: that's right. donald trump is building a wall and making his donors pay for it. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) the best part is it only costs $49 to be immortalized on donald trump's donor wall. or for just $6, you can buy a can of spray paint and be immortalized on trump tower. ( cheers and applause ) now, i've met a lot of trump supporters and i mean, when you meet them, they seem like fine folks who occasionally call for the jailing of their political opponents. but sometimes one bad apple makes all the apples seem
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i may have seen-- it's not their fault. one guys did does it and it makes it seem like everybody with the guy at the rally and they were. you may have seen this clip i'm about to show of one rally-goer chanting at a group of journalists last week. a word of warning-- if your children are in the room, you might want to regret having brought them into this world ( laughter ) jim? >> stephen: it is absolutely horrifying to hear that kind of anti-semitic language. usually you read it in yahoo! comments. but a newspaper tracked the guy down. his name's george lindell, and it turns out we had it all wrong. he wasn't chanting "jew s a."
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at the rally. you know, all the mexicans who go to trump rallies. here's the deal. lindell said that a group of mexicans at the rally-- again, that huge group of mexicans that goes to trump rallies-- had stopped chanting "u.s.a!" because, "it came out sounding like "joo s.a.," and "they felt the wouldn't fit in because of their accent." see? it was innocent. it was so innocent. he was just it's poor man was just trying to make the m fond memories of america after trump loaded them on to the cat catapults. i'm going to call this the worst excuse of all time. it's the worst possible-- i think it's even worse than the
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weren't burning that cross on the lawn to scare you. we just wanted you to see our cool ghost costumes." ( cheers and applause ) and it's reasonable-- ( applause ) when asked about what he said at the end of his chant, lindell said he muttered, "the jews run the country anyway." a statement he said was "just horsing around." he was just horsing around. adding, "you know who' blame? the jewish horses." so this election has now officially ruined everything-- horses, taco bowls, billy bush's career. and now, brace yourselves, it's ruined yogurt because chobani yogurt founder hamdi ulukaya is getting threats for helping immigrants.
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is supposed to help jamie lee curtis poop, and that's it. good luck, jamie. see, it turns out-- that's what the commercial says. see-- i believe it. see, it turns out that the owner ulukaya employs syrian refugees in his factories and started a foundation to help migrants. and now there are calls to boycott chobani, and the comny epithets on twitter and facebook. it's no surprise that online trolls are in a race to the bottom. that's where all the fruit is. that's where all the fruit is. but you know what? we here at the "late show" like to be helpful. which is why we're introducing a new yogurt for people who want to boycott chobani. introducing xenogurt: if you love yogurt but hate the people who make it. instead of active cultures, xenogurt has one monolithic
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( applause ) enjoy. ( cheers and applause ) mmm. mmm. mmm. that is just a prop. ( laughter ) i'm not sure what i just put in my mouth. thank you very much. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but it ain't yogurt. ( cheers and applause ) that's fun. that's nice surprise. but as ugly as the campaign has been, this has been a historic year for women. any women here? ( cheers and applause ) there it is. we might have the first female president, women on the u.s. ( cheers and applause ) women on the u.s. olympic team won more medals than the men, and perhaps most excitingly, bono has been named the first
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congratulations. women have come so far, now you're men. i assume for bono to be on this list, every other woman has already gotten one of these. according to "glamour's" editor in chief, they included a man because "there are so many men who really are doing wonderful things for women these days." some men get it, and bono is one of those guys. it's like that old saying: in front of every great woman stands a guy who really gets it. ( laughter ) ( applause ) , of course,, of course,-- mean to be fair, bono wasn't the only woman of the year. "glamour" also honored such actual women as the founders of black lives matter, gymnastics phenom simone biles, and head of the i.m.f. christine legarde. their prize: getting to meet bono. ( laughter ) ( applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight. michael strahan is here. so
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[whispered 'rocket'] 23rd times the charm. shhh. (clink) boom. yes! 23rd time is the charm, cliff. yea, you showed me. yes, you did. (shelly thinking) this must be how odell beckham feels when he scores a game winning touchdown. (odell thinking) this must be how shelly felt when she won that purple bear. ? ? pepsi. ? ? [ male announcer ] cats will do anything for the irresistible taste of temptations treats. what are you doing? oh, here, check this out. ? ? [ meows ] temptations. cats can't resist. ? ? ? this is the time ? [ meows ]
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? let love be the song ? ? that everybody sings ?
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woman: after all donald trump has said and done... she ate like a pig... you can do anything. i moved on her like a b***h! woman: trump's just so disgusting and degrading. he's bragged about assaulting women, and he's the republican nominee for president! and congressman mike coffman said he didn't know if donald trump's a sexual predator. come on. look, we just can't vote for coffman or trump. house majority pac is responsible for the content of this advertising. house majority pac is responsible i'm jamie foxx for verizon. in the nation's largest independent study by rootmetrics, verizon is america's most reliable network. and i'm jamie foxx for sprint, with no wins in reliability in any state. you need to stop your shenanigans. i-i'm... you're not jamie foxx. i'm close enough, just like sprint. no! look at my map. take it in. oh! yeah, there you go.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. give it up for jon batiste and stay human, everybody. jon, are you planning to vote? >> jon: yes, indeed, you know i am. >> stephen: it's only six days away. a the lot of people haven't voted yet and i think one of the reasons is they think it's complicated, like they don't know how to do it. >> jon: oh, yeah, yeah. no, but i made an easy video for figure out how to do it themselves s. >> stephen: wait. you made a video? >> jon: yeah is there in six easy steps? >> jon: six easy steps. >> stephen: well, i'd love to see it, jon. >> jon: well, we've got it right here, jim. hello, proud americans. i'm jon batiste, and this is "piano i-0-fun. how to vote." voting isn't just a way to meet old people in your community. it's also your civic responsibility. taking part in democracy is what
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that, and the stars and stripes birth mark every citizen is born with. ( laughter ) lesson one: registration. registering to vote is easy. just follow three simple steps. one, fill out the necessary paperwork. two, make sure you have valid identification. and, three, purchase the "late show" ep," fee featuring jon bae and stay human. you'll need something to listen to while you vo polling places vary depending on where you live but they're usually in a school gymnasium air, church basement, or any other place that smells kinds of weird. and if you can't find the voting booth, you can always use the nearest gap changing room. ( laughter ) beyonce! lesson three: ballot etiquette. when you get into that voting booth, make sure you do things right. begin by placing the napkin on
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from the ballot. and if you receive good service, make sure to leave a 15% tip for your poll worker. bon appetite. lesson four: snack break! >> happy birthday, jon "n" lesson five: choosing your candidate. >> before you vote, make sure you know who you're voting for. you can make your decision by checking out candidates' web sites, attending events, or of the mind. ( laughter ) universe. who should i vote for?
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district assembly man dean murray. lesson six: stickers! i can't stress this enough. if you vote, they give you one of these bad boys. ( laughter ) but you can get as many as you want if you just wait for the sticker lady to go to the bathroom. oooh! ha-ha! now, get out there and do your >> stephen: will thank you, jon. we'll be right back with our frind michael strahan. stick around. ? ? ? to be a great athlete or whatever but, you need to make sure you get your college degree. sometimes i call the house, just to hear her voice. (phone ringing) answering machine: hi, leave a message after the beep. (beep)
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,, ( applause ) >> stephen: hey, welcome back,
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super bowl champion and emmy award-winning television host. he has just produced a six-part documentary series called "religion of sports." ladies and gentlemen, give a big "late show" "welcome to mr. michael strahan. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nice to have you back. >> thank you for having me back. i thought i wasn't going to come back after the last time. >> stephen: we had a good time. >> i know. >> stephen: what are you talking about? i heard you don't like being called mikey? >> yeah. >> stephen: did i call you mikey at some point during that interview. that is a hot for you. >> i don't like being called mikey. mike is okay. my mom is probably the only person consistently who calls me mike. everybody else calls me michael.
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commercial. remember? "oh, mikey likes it, he'll eat anything." >> stephen: give it to mikey. he won't eat it. he hates everything. >> i just did not like the mikey. >> stephen: i don't like stevie. >> i didn't call you stevie, did i? >> stephen: i'm going to say no, because we have a long interview ahead of here, and i don't want to have to bring out the jack johnsons. so, mikey, let me ask you this-- ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) the show sounds fascinating because i reallyik of the people-- it's called "religion of sports" because people do take their sports very seriously. >> well, let me tell you -- >> it's a spiritual event for them. >> let me tell you, stevie. >> stephen: here we go. before that i have to ask you a quick question. it's on the at&t audience network, starting november 15. what is the at&t audience network? do i have to be in your five or something like that? >> direct tv. you don't have to be in my five,
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direct tv has the audience naek, and you have stream it on at&t -- >> i don't know what that means. i'm trying to get this show available on burner phones. what is-- >> that means you need to get your kids to teach you how to watch the show. >> stephen: okay, now, i know. >> i'm trying to help you, man. i'm trying to help both of us here. ( laughter ). >> stephen: we're trying to help each other. >> that's right, brother.>> symbiotic relationship. you created this with tom bradyerate. >> and i got them chopra, depock chopra's son. how sports influences society and influences culture when the sport goes beyond just entertainment value for a lot of people. and it's really interesting to see nascar-- we have this joey jones, who is one of the guys who we followed who was a nascar driver in high school, and then
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legs. but we have dale earnhardt jr., curt busch. they're talking about nascar, and joey said this is the ultimate ming of man and machine, and as he's saying this you are look at a guy who did so much for the country who is a man in a machine. and it intersects how these things he did as a kid influences his life and it goes beyond nascar to him and his family. >> stephen: that's the first episode, right? >> we did we did the calgary stampede. we did soccer overseas. we went around the world and found some great topics, great subjects where the sport really did go beyond just sports, and it really went into a lot of things like a religious experience for a lot of people. >> stephen: we have a clip here of the first episode which is called "god and the machine." and it is about nascar and how people take it religiously.
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>> sometimes, especially when money isn't very prevalent and the way you make money is hard earned. it's a 9-5 paycheck, you need something that brings your community together. you need something that brings joy to your community. and there are a lot of places where that's searched in religion and going to church on suspected. for this part of the world, the your church is on saturday night. >> stephen: not only do take this stuff seriously, but there's rituals in religion and there's rituals in sport. were there rituals that you did before a game? >> yeah, yeah. i had a lot. i'm a little embarrassed by some of them. i mean, you know lebron does like that. and my thing, i used to take the program-- and i can't believe i'm going to tell you this on national tv. you know, the program that all the fans get. and i used to go sit on the toilet and-- ( laughter )
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and i would look at all the pictures of my teammates and the other teams. and you know how the footballs players always look mean in those pictures. and i used to be scared. and then i realized you're more scared of somebody who doesn't look scared. so i used to always smile for my picture. so when the other team looked at my picture, i was like this... ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: that was your smile on the field? >> that was my smile on the program. when they looked at he's not scared to be out herement. >> stephen: that's nice. what about sermons? obviously you go to-- you go on sunday to church, or there are sermons. is the pep talk the sermon? >> the pep talk is the sermon. the pep talk by far is the sermon. i have to pump these guys up. i was the preacher. , "we're going to stomp you out. we were going to stomp them
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yelling that on sunday mornings. >> "stomp out the devil!" that's what i was trying to get them to do. >> stephen: that's nice. crush the devil between your heel and the rock of god. >> but it worked, it worked. >> stephen: yeah? are you a religious guy? >> you know what, i am? i am. i believe in definitely a higher power. i don't believe that i do anything by myself. i don't believe that i have all the good in my life because i'm so great. i believe i am pleased and fort mat to have it and you need to pay it forward an everybody else, you know, what? your bletion is their blessing as well. it's not all about you. >> stephen: now i know that tom brady-- ( applause ) upon i know for a fact tom brady believes in a higher power because it's you. >> back in the day when i was athletic. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's the higher power right there. ( laughter ) that is super bowl 42.
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the series right there? ( laughter ) "hey, tom, how about a documentary about sports?" >> "hey, tom, slow down! i got something to tell you." >> stephen: now, you said a football-- football was the mission you were on. >> yeah. >> stephen: how do you stay motivated now that you don't play football anymore? >> because, first of all, i love what i do. and aye been fortunate enough to have a career after football. but i have kids, too. when i rre >> stephen: you retired at 36. >> yeah, and that was old. >> stephen: brady is 39. >> because he's old. i mean, he's old. >> stephen: but they've got a great season. >> he's having a great season. >> stephen: didn't you give up? aren't you a quitter? ( laughter ) come on, mikey. >> i did 15-- i did 15 years. i feel like i served my bid, man. i did my time. but i did 15 years. he's 39, which is amazing. but reason he is so successful is this guy works out and he's so focused on football-- we were
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like ability people. this was about five years ago. and it's march, april, and everybody's like getting into groove, having some drinks. tom, you want a drink? "no, i'm training." dude, football's in september. and he's like, "no, i'm training." i was like, "good, i'll drink your drink. give me that sucker." >> stephen: "i'm out." >> i didn't care. >> stephen: all right, let's cosome predictions for the season here. >> predictions for the >> stephen: predictions for the season, okay? n.f.l. season is half ever. who is going to win the election on tuesday? ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> oh, man. you know i sit every day at "g.m.a., "and i sit there and watch and pay attention. the election is crazy. >> stephen: it really is. >> up and down. it's unbelievable. >> stephen: almost nothing that could happen at this point you'd go, that really shocks me." >> exactly. >> stephen: "i didn't expect that to happen.
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exwhreed blooeding out of their eyeballs." yup, that's going to happen. they're levitating. uh-huh. that's by the devil. good to see you man. always nice to have you here. >> thank you, brother. >> stephen: "religion of sports" premieres november 15 on at&t audience network. michael strahan, everybody! we'll be right back with nick kroll. stick around. ? ? ? ( applause ) is it a real drag? you know... i know. new computers are super-fast. and yet here you are with a new world record for the slowest computer. you know about it, now do something about it. upgrade to a new pc. powered by intel. ? what is he doing? i have no clue.
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donald trump audio only: "i would bomb the sh_t out of
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es donald trump: i could stand in the middle of 5th avenue and shoot somebody and i wouldn't lose any voters, okay? and you can tell them to go f--- themselves! you know, you could see there was blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her wherever... you gotta see this guy. ahh, i don't know what i said, ahh. "i don't remember." he's going like "i don't remember!? ( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest is an actor, writer, producer, comedian, and
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? ? ? >> stephen: well, for the people out there who may not know what i was talking about when i said "broadway star" is your show "oh, hello," john melaney. >> yes. >> stephen: on broadway. >> yes. >> stephen: fantastic. >> thank you. >> stephen: how does it ( cheers and applause ). >> let's not move on from the applause. >> stephen: we're going to linger. how does it feel to be on broadway? >> it's amazing. it's like what show business felt like it should be like. you know, you do a show-- you were a guest. you came and did our show? >> stephen: yeah, last-- >> last friday night. >> stephen: it was so fun. you have guests come on every night. >> yes, we have a different guest every might, and we prank them with too much tuna fish. >> stephen: you do offer a sandwich as a thank you for being on the show.
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it's an honor. it's a huge tuna sandwich. >> stephen: i would go so far as to say it's too much tuna. it's too much tuna. >> for the five people in the audience who understand what that means? i am enjoying, by the way, they almost seem like a floating head on this chair here. i'm really blending nicely. >> stephen: we should warn the guests. we should warn-- we should warn the guests. or change the chair or something like that. >> oh, just go low. just g just be like the head of nick kroll was on "colbert" tonight. >> stephen: you improvised this big section in the middle of the show. >> yes. and it's-- and it's just the most fun thing in the world. you were amazing. i think that might have been the longest segment we ever did. we talked for, like, a half hour on stage. >> stephen: yeah, it was a half hour. it seemed like that. >> was this your broadway debut? is there you asked me that. >> i did.
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>> we can bleep this, right? because lincoln center is ( bleep ), okay. it's a nowhere place. >> stephen: where do you find the courage? where do you find courage nick kroll? you're going to get the lincoln center mafia after you. >> i know, i know, which is like four -- >> they go to the violin cases and open them up, and it's violins. >> i know! >> stephen: you're crazy! you're crazy! >> i know,in. >> stephen: you're a made man! don't you understand. the new york council for the arts has got a bull's eye onhe back of your head. >> they're going to suffocate me with npr tote bags. >> stephen: so you do this show. you've been doing this show-- working on the show about a year. how long have you been on broadway. >> about two months. we have another two months to go. it's me and my buddy john melaney, who is the funniest person on the planet. >> stephen: it's devastatingly structural damage to the theor
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how good it is. i know what it took to put that show together. but you're fooling around there, too. does it ever completely come apart? >> it does occasionally. we had whoopi goldberg on the show, and she had done her show "whoopi" mike nichols directed it in 1984, and she calm into the show and said, "this theater is haunted." >> stephen: passive aggressive much? >> she is an expert on ghosts, let's not forget. ( applause ). >> stephen: yes, yes, and nuns on the run. >> yes, so she did the show, and the show was a mess-- lighting cues, everything going wrong-- >> stephen: the night she was there? >> the night she was there. and i was the ghost of the liceum theater was angry the two shows were colliding. i walked off the stage and said, "this audience stunk." and our mics were live. everything went wrong. >> stephen: my heart hurt when
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they're not like these people. >> stephen: beautiful people. ( cheers and applause ). >> yes! >> stephen: i'm afraid that's all we have time for. >> that's fine. >> stephen: thank you for being here. as much as i want to talk about broadway. also you're in a movie called "loving." >> yes. >> stephen: and for the people who don't know what "loving people what a landmark case it was. >> it's an amazing case. an interracial couple, white man and a woman of color who were married in virginia and were arrested for being married in the late 1950s. and they brought their case through the court system, eventually getting to the supreme court in 1967, where the warren court overturned the ban on intervariable marriage nationwide. ( applause )
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amazing because it's a story that a lot of people don't actually know about. it's not taught in the schools as part of, like, civil rights history. and it's monumentally important. and it's still important, obviously, with what's happening in the country right now. i mean, obviously, i'm voting for trump because i think he's the right man to lead america into the apocalypse. ( laughter ) but -- >> you know what got me about the case? if you wrote this movie and it didn't actually happen in reality and you called it you would say you can't call it "loving." the last name can't be loving. it's too perfect. >> what's amazing about the story, joel edgerton, and jeff nichols directed it, and it's a beautifully realized film. they're a very quiet, simple, country people who were not political people. they just wanted to be married. they couldn't understand why they shouldn't be able to be. >> stephen: and you played the a.c.l.u. lawyer. >> yes, i got the script.
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"and "midnight special," he was interested in me for the role. and i was like, "what's the character?" and they said, "his name is bernie cohen." and i said, "all right, i get why i'm going to be in this movie." ( laughter ) speaking of that, mel gibson was amazing last night. i found it fascinating. >> stephen: yeah, it was interesting. >> and i was told the f.c.c. forced to you have me on the show to jew up the show a little bit. >> stephen: we had to. for the license. yeah, he's a sweet gu and you played the lawyer and your-- you're too young to-- you're not even allowed to go to the supreme court because you're too young to actually try the case. >> right. so bernie cohen and his-- the gentleman who came on, phil herschof, they were so young and inexperienced they were faking it until they made it and bernie had to introduce phil because phil had only been out of law school for three years and these
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it to the supreme court and really changed the country. and richard and mildred really changed the country. >> stephen: we have a clip here of you talking to the couple about how you're going to have their back. jim. >> we wanted you to know that with all this travel back and forth from virginia, you have my number, and if anybody arrests you, you have them get in touch with us. we're not going to let you spend one minute longer in jail than this takes us to get down there and get you out, okay? >> okay. >> good luck to you. >> we sure appreciate what you're all doing. >> okay, we'll see you soon. >> bye. >> thank you, gentlemen. >> you know they aren't going back to washington. and there's no guarantee we can get them out if they get arrested again. >> uh-huh.
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like to do drama after being, you know, a comedian for so long? is this your first foray. >> i have had little bits and pieces but this is definitely the most straight drama i've done. and i'm done being a comedian. i'm a serious actor now. ( laughter ). >> stephen: i understand. and i don't-- i don't want to do funny things anymore. >> stephen: all right. do you want-- do you want to give a shot at it right now? >> i'd love to do-- i don't want to be funny in panel interviews. i want to have a dramatic interview witho ( laughter ). >> stephen: all right, let's get our fingers underneath this. let's try this again. i want to ask you-- jimmy, can we get this a little more dramatic, please? is it possible. ? ? ? >> stephen: mr. kroll-- >> stevie. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you are on broadway right now and all that, that entail. >> it's just, to put on a mask
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someone else ( voice breaking ) what that does to a man... steve, i have no one around. no one to support me and my family -- >> i'm here. >> you are my father! you are my father! >> stephen: you are my mother! ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) nick kroll. "loving" is in theaters this friday. nick kroll, everybody! we'll be right back with a nick kroll, everybody! we'll be right back with a performance by aaron lewis. "exercise more." i know that. "try laxatives..." i know. believe me.
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onstipation keeps coming back. i know that. tell me something i don't know. (vo) linzess works differently from laxatives. linzess treats adults with ibs with constipation, or chronic constipation. it can help relieve your belly pain, and lets you have more frequent and complete bowel movements that are easier to pass. do not give linzess to children under 6 and it should not be given to children 6 to 17. it may harm them. don't take linzess if you have a bowel blockage. get immediate help if you develop unusual or severe stomach pain, especially with bloody or black stools. mon side effect is diarrhea, sometimes severe. if it's severe stop taking linzess and call your doctor right away. other side effects include gas, stomach-area pain and swelling. talk to your doctor about managing your symptoms
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before danny got what he was dreaming about for the holidays. before his mom earned 1% cash back everywhere, every time. [ dinosaur growls ] and his dad earned 2% back at grocery stores and wholesale clubs. yeah! even before they earned 3% back on gas. danny's parents used their bankamericard cash rewards credit card to give him the best day ever. that's the joy of rewarding connections.
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i alone can fix it! bomb the [bleep] out of 'em. i'd like to punch him in the face. i like people that weren't captured, okay? he's a mexican! she ate like a pig... i moved on her like a [bleep] i did not say that... i love war. yes, including with nukes. ng out of her... they're rapists... wrong. there has to be some form of punishment. such a nasty woman. i wanna be unpredictable. ...on 5th avenue and shoot somebody... she's a slob... i don't remember! and you can tell them to go [bleep] themselves! priorities usa action is responsible
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? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) ? ? ?
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? this is the story of how mr. bonejangles met his match. mr. bonejangles was always looking for something.
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until one day... seven in dog time... exactly what he didn't know he was looking for fell right in his lap. was he expecting the perfect toy at an amazing price? no, of course not, he's a dog. but that's the beauty of a store full of surprises. you never know what you're gonna find, but you know you're gonna love it. marshalls. your surprise is waiting. what's it gonna be? an oven-baked digiorno? or waiting for delivery? did you have that beard when we ordered? a hot, fresh-baked crust? or? don't settle for delivery. rise to the occasion. it's not delivery. it's digiorno.
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>> stephen: here performing, "that ain't country," please welcome aaron lewis! ( cheers and applause ) ? ? ? >> ? what a sad state of affairs i'm in ? 'cause i'm trying to compete where i just don't fit in ? 'cause the country, if you call it that, ? from off the road ain't
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just because i'm old enough to ? know that that ain't country ? that's a natural fact it's full of tails of good times ? and happy endings my life ain't like that ? so i'll keep listening to the old songs ? that my grandad used to play full of pain and heartache ? and desperation ? the ones that speak to me, the way i feel today ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? so tell me, whatever happened to ? the country songs full of truth and consequences, ? all the things gone wrong
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i'd like to spit ? a little beach-nut right in that dude's eye ? 'cause that ain't country that's a natural fact ? it's full of tails of good times and happy endings ? my life ain't like that so i'll keep listening to the ? old songs that my grandad used to play ? full of pain and heartache and desperation ? and the ones that got away the ones that speak to me, ? the way i feel today ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? now listen here we got waylon singing songs ? 'bout a ramblin' man
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and the possum's gettin' drunk ? again imagine that and charlie daniels ? playing fiddle underneath that hat ? and john and june are goin' back and forth again ? and david allan coe is singing 'bout his kin ? and haggard sings the songs that'll save your soul ? and willie sings the songs about the hearts he stole ? 'cause that there's country that's a natural fact times and complications ? ain't life like that? so i'll keep listening ? to the old songs that my grandad used to play ? full of pain and heartache and desperation ? and the ones that got away the ones that speak to me, ? the way i feel today
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? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thanks, aaron. his album, "sinner" is out now. aaron lewis everybody!
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,, ,, ,, woman: after all donald trump has said and done... she ate like a pig... you can do anything. i moved on her like a b***h! woman: trump's just so disgusting and degrading. he's bragged about assaulting women, and he's the republican nominee for president! and congressman mike coffman said he didn't know
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come on. look, we just can't vote for coffman or trump. house majority pac is responsible for the content of this advertising. >> stephen: that's it for "the late show," everybody. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be aaron eckhart, tig notaro, and ron suskind. now stick around for james corden and his guests, joel mchale and julianne huff. goodnight! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ? are you ready to have some fun ? feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ? where you come from it's gonna be all right ? it's the late, late show >> ladies and gentlemen, all the


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