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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  December 14, 2012 12:00am-1:05am PST

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previously on bottoms up around the world with guillermo. >> i went to the netherlands. these dutch guys say -- >> have you ever considered becoming a gentleman? >> then i learned about vodka. some journeys you must make alone. a lot has been happening. i'm very nervous. there's one more thing i must do to become a gentleman. this is a really long tunnel.
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i'm ready. what do you guys want? >> i want you to make us a perfect ketel one martini. >> martini. of course. >> small. >> it's not the size of the boat. it's the other stuff. [ laughter ] >> cheers, gentlemens. never trust a bartender. i don't even have a boat. my new friends gave me a present. >> it's a ketel one mixology set. >> i kind of have one like this already. but i'll take it. time for a new adventure,
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wherever it will take me. >> ketel one. gentlemen, this is vodka. drink responsibly. >> dicky: "jimmy kimmel live" back in two minutes with carson daly, zachary knighton, and music from dan deacon. out from the shallow end to find something truly worthy of his search. ♪ inspired by 300 years of tradition. ketel one. gentlemen, this is vodka. drink responsibly. gentlemen, this is vodka.
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this season, give craftsman tools and give the gifts that keep on giving. craftsman. guys' favorites guaranteed. find it at sears. describe the room. a big, open space. smells really fresh, man. oh! [ both laugh ] febreze? how about that? yeah. febreze anti-clogging technology keeps it smelling fresh. febreze. breathe happy. this year give 'em an applebee's gift card. buy 50 bucks in applebee's gift cards, and you get a 10 dollar bonus card free. a real bright idea. a real bonus. only at applebee's restaurants or see you tomorrow.
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>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live." tonight, carson daly. from "happy endings", zachary knighton. and music from dan deacon, with cleto and the cletones. and now, making spirits bright, here's jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: welcome. thank you. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show.
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thank you for watching. thank you for wearing your thursday best to be here tonight. everyone all right? you guys okay? [ cheers and applause ] are any of you completely done with your christmas shopping? >> yes! >> jimmy: kill her. there are only 11 days before christmas eve. i give a lot of gifts on christmas and i get a lot of gifts on christmas. but i don't open them right away. i like to save my gifts and i open them during shark week. it's just more exciting. by the way, what do you do with a gift that you know you're never going to use, you can't give it away because the person might find out that you've given it to somebody else. but my policy, what i do is i keep it for exactly 38 months, and then i throw it away. or give it away or something. it's ridiculous. but it's what i do. if you're on facebook, and by gosh, i hope you are because it's a great way to keep in touch with your loved ones. this is the time of the year when your news feed becomes a
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constant stream of pictures of kids on santa's lap. kids don't always like santa. a lot of kids go nuts when you hand them over to santa, which if you think about it is a reasonable reaction to have. it's a good instinct. we did this last year, a guessing game, called santa's lap or flu shot? [ applause ] i'm going to show you a close-up of a child's face. you have to guess whether that child is sitting on santa's lap or getting a flu shot. okay? let's begin. here we go. okay, santa's lap or a flu shot? let's see the full photograph. flu shot. next up. all right, we have some mixed answers here. let's see. santa's lap. who do we have next? most everyone is saying santa.
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a couple flu shots. santa. it's a double whammy there. all right. everyone seems certain that that's a flu shot. all right, let's have a look. yeah, that is a flu shot. he's just scared of her hair. okay. santa? let's have a look. santa. santa is dressed a little bit too avant-garde for my liking. we have one more. there's the face. there's the expression. and we say flu shot? all right, let's take a look. at the a -- oh, santa. it's santa giving him a flu shot. speaking of christmas and kids, last night on the show, we asked a bunch of kids out on hollywood
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boulevard to tell us the story of christmas and we pieced it together and it was cute. but one kid we left out because he gave such a lengthy response, we were unable to edit it. we asked this kid one question, he talked for nine and a half minutes straight. now, obviously, we're not going to show all nine and a half minutes, but this is a lot of it. we fast forwarded through some parts. here now with his version of the story of christmas, a young lad named liam. >> what is your name? >> liam. >> and how old are you, liam? >> 4. >> tell me the story of christmas. >> christmas -- there are presents. there are reindeer. if it didn't have reindeers -- i
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could just ask them myself. each day is christmas for one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25 -- 25. got to build a snowman, too. got to give it food. so they can do it. a present at my school. >> what did i miss? >> i talked about my school. >> oh, you were telling them about the school.
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>> so, i said i did get chocolate. [ applause ] >> just slightly longer than all the "harry potter" novels. what language do kids in england speak? tonight at midnight, the premiere of "the hobbit: an unexpected journey." the first of three movies based on the book "the hobbit." as a movie, now that we have "game of thrones," the hobbit seems kind of tame. why watch people fight a dragon in a movie, when i can watch them fight a dragon naked on hbo? director peter jackson used some unique film making magic to film this. the hobbit was shot at 48 frames per second. he believes it makes the film look more realistic. some of the people who have seen it in 3-d said the increased frame rate made them feel
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nauseated. the producers say these claims are unfounded, but their ads from a legal standpoint seem to be playing it safe. >> from director peter jackson comes the stirring tale of bill bow baggins and a quest like no other. enjoy the magic, the mystery, and the adventure. "the hobbit." "the hobbit" is not for everyone. side effects may include dry mouth, nausea, vomiting and head ache. if symptoms do not improve after 30 minutes, stop watching "the hobbit" and see a doctor. erections lasting more than four hour hours. ask your doctor about "the hobbit." bring a bucket. in theaters everywhere. [ applause ] >> jimmy: the nomination for the golden globes were announced this morning. if you got a screaming phone call at 4:00 a.m., you were either nominated for a golden globe or you're charlie sheen's
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girlfriend. the golden globes are very important because whoever wins the golden globe may or may not win the oscar. [ laughter ] and steven spielberg's movie "lincoln" had the most nominations of any film this year. seven. "lincoln" was nominated for best picture, best director, best beard without a mustache, and furriest top hat. so that's impressive. good news for iphone users. as you may recall, apple removed the google maps app from the iphone operating system and replaced it with their own navigation app, apple maps, which didn't work well. it got people lost. so last night, apple unbanned google maps from the phone, which means iphone owners can find things again. which i guess means white people are going to have to find something new to complain about. it is a little bit weird, though, because you can download the new google maps app, but apple doesn't allow you to delete apple maps. which means apple maps will
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always be there on your home screen watching you use google. it's like dating a new girl while you're still living with your ex. i miss the apple maps. for me, it was like a choose your own adventure kind of thing. never knew where i might end up. google is also making it harder now to find pornography. google just changed their image search algorithm, so it will only bring up pornographic images if the searcher makes it explicitly clear that that's what they're looking for. they would have gotten to this sooner, but they were too busy designing a logo for national root beer day. i'm going to throw all of you out, i swear to god. i will clear this room. we will get a fresh new audience. anyway, so now you'll have to ask siri for born. or bing. does bing really exist or is it like the chupacabra? did any of you watch the
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12-12-12 benefit concert last night? it was to raise money for hurricane sandy relief. bruce springsteen, bon jovi, billy joel, eric clapton, paul mccartney played with the remaining members of nirvana. steve buscemi appeared alongside new york's department of sanitation, some of whom were very excited to see him. >> providing the gray beards with emergency funds to sustain their post-storm assistance. come on. just come on in. yeah, you, too. come on in. >> let's go, buscemi, i love you! >> ow. [ laughter ] >> he suffered three broken ribs, a concussion and a bruised tailbone, but he's going to be okay. florida is about to hit a surprising milestone. sometime next week, florida is expected to issue its one
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millionth license to carry a concealed weapon. they lowered the application and renewal fees, so now it's even higher. people in florida need guns because they have something called alligators there. carrying a gun is the thing to do in florida. this happened at the miami sea aquarium yesterday. when it gets to the sea creatures -- [ laughter ] while we're on the topic of aquatic animals with a taste for blood, this is a crazy video. it was shot off the west coast of ireland. some friends were on a boat trying to get a good look at a shark. one guy is kind of leaning over the edge and his friend thought it would be funny to shove him in the water. those are some friends. look at this. there's the shark.
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he took it well. i would have objected. this is a strange story. last week in grapeland, texas, a lemur -- a pet lemur named keanu bit a mail carrier, whose last name is -- any guesses? >> reeves! >> jimmy: that's right. keanu the lemur bit her on the hand. i like a lemur with a sense of humor. i really do. if that isn't weird enough, in ohio on tuesday, a guy named scott hall had his eyebrow bitten off by a man named roger oates. hall & oates. the police showed up and started laughing when they took their names. imagine you get your eyebrow bitten off and police show up and start -- by the way, how do you even bite an eyebrow off? you really need to kind of scrape it off. it would be like eating candied
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buttons, wouldn't it? if you're in any way named after a celebrity of any kind, be careful, these things happen in threes. we're now just a few weeks away from potentially falling off what they call the fiscal cliff. very basically, congress put a huge package of tax increases and spending cuts in place for the beginning of 2013. many experts belief if it goes into effect, it will push us into another recession, so they need to reach a budget agreement. unfortunately, they're unable to reach an agreement on anything in congress, so this could turn out very badly. it's an important hurdle we have to clear, and a lot of people have strong opinions on it. but i wondered how many people actually even know what it is. so we went out on the street today to ask them about the so called fiscal cliff. >> are you worried about the fiscal cliff? >> it could make a difference in life. i mean, it all depends on how you look at it. >> and what exactly is the fiscal cliff? >> i'm not sure exactly what that is. but, i mean, if you really think
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about it, i guess it could cause something, if you, like, researched it or whatever. >> are you worried about the fiscal cliff? >> yeah, kind of. >> what exactly is the fiscal cliff? >> it's a raise in taxes and -- yeah. now i'm going to look like a fool. i don't know. [ laughter ] uh-huh. i don't know. >> are you worried about the fiscal cliff? requi >> i guess, yeah. >> what is it? >> something to do financially. yeah. that's all that i can tell you. >> why are you worried? >> because you have a worried look on your face. >> it's not good. i know that. so yeah. >> do you know what it is?
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>> no, i really don't. you go off the cliff. >> are you worried about the fiscal cliff? >> no. >> what is it? >> well, the fiscal cliff i know is mr. huxtable. that's the only one i know. >> well, yeah. you got a microphone in my face. yeah. i'm done. >> jimmy: we're going to give him half credit for that one. it's thursday night. it's time for our weekly tribute to where we bleep things. it's unnecessary censorship. >> i think -- i truly believe that they have the biggest [ bleep ] in the nfl. >> i was taken in a pro vaktive photo but i was sitting on santa's [ bleep ].
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>> emily blunt, salmon [ bleep ] in the yemen. >> i wanted to take some time and just really [ bleep ] myself. >> amy, are you going to help us [ bleep ]? >> i think the republicans are really reaching the end of line. they're hoping obama will show his [ bleep ]. >> that's what i'm talking about. >> you can [ bleep ] me if you want. >> never. i might [ bleep ] your bum if you're naughty. >> i don't know if you know, but he has a big [ bleep ]. and i mean a big [ bleep ]. >> this one guy said i [ bleep ] this girl's breasts before i [ bleep ] her face. >> danielle. >> [ bleep ] festival. >> that is correct. >> i will trap santa in my box, fort knox and make him [ bleep ]. [ applause ] >> jimmy: we've got a good show tonight. from "happy endings," zachary
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knighton. we have music from dan deacon. we'll be right back with carson daly, so stick around. how it feels to chew 5 gum. [ beads rattling ] [ bass thudding ] [ beads rattling ] spearmint that tingles as you chew. stimulate your senses. 5 gum. now in micro pack. ♪
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>> dicky: if you're going to be in the l.a. area and want to see the show, call 866-jimmy tix or go to ♪ i'll help you. [ grandma ] ok.
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>> jimmy: tonight on the program, if you watch the show "happy endings," you know him as dave. in real life, he has another name, and that name is zachary knighton. he is here with us tonight. and with music from this album, it's called "america" named after the country, dan deacon
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from the bud light stage. dan is very clever. he developed an iphone app and it lets the audience interact with the music as it plays. it's like witchcraft, so stay up to see that. make sure to watch us next week. our guests will include hugh jackman, samuel l. jackson, jenna fischer, the entire cast of "jersey shore" will be here, and music from two chains. our first guest tonight, five nights a week on late night tv, and heard five mornings a week on the radio, child laborers in taiwan get more time off than he does, the tireless host of "last call" and "the voice", please welcome carson daly. [ cheers and applause ]
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>> it's good to see you. thank you for booking me. i feel like that's the only chance i get to see you. >> jimmy: we don't see each other much because you have 12 jobs is really why. >> well, yes. well, i need them. but i haven't actually seen you since you got back from brooklyn and i wanted to tell you how awesome that week was. >> jimmy: oh, thanks. it was great. it was a very exciting week, as you know. >> how was it interviewing letterman? >> jimmy: david letterman? >> yes, david letterman. >> it was pretty crazy for me. >> you might know this about us, but i met jimmy over 25 years ago. my real name is carson. he refused to call me carson because his infatuation with letterman is something that he's had forever. he literally would not call me carson. to watch you finally sit there and interview him was one of the greatest things i've seen.
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you were fantastic. [ applause ] it was great. >> jimmy: we've known each other since you were 12 years old and then you were my intern at a radio station. we worked together in palm springs, california. i met your parents and that's how we met, for those of us who care. carson used to babysit my daughter. >> i think people think you gave me my big breaking but it's really been a life of torture. i see all these big hollywood stars and congratulate you on 11:30 and i'm not so happy about it. >> jimmy: why? >> because you've tortured me on a budget so long and now you're going to become probably the most powerful man in television and i'm fearful of how you will torture me. >> jimmy: it will be fine. >> you had no tools to do it and you did it quite well. >> jimmy: well, i felt like i had to shape you and i felt like your life had been too easy up to that point. >> i had to be a speedo with a cowboy hat and shaved? that's shaping me? >> jimmy: that's how you got
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your big following, in the speedo and the cowboy hat. you do your late night show. you'll be on later after us. >> many hours later. >> jimmy: and then you get up in the morning and do your radio show every morning. and it's exhausting, yes? and you have a little baby girl at home. >> i do. thank you for coming to visit her. >> jimmy: and a little boy at home. i have not been to visit her yet. >> he was the first one of my friends -- my son, first one of my friends to knock on the door, made the drive all the way. busy guy. >> jimmy: i was lost. >> camera, food, gifts. where's the boy? and my son comes out, he wants to see his pal's kid. now i've got a daughter, she's 3 months. you haven't seen her a lick yet. i have three jobs. what have you been doing? >> i was hosting the memmys. that was very convenient for me. i feel bad that i have not seen her. but she's very cute from the pictures. >> how many times have you been to the white house since i've had my daughter? >> jimmy: twice.
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once. one time. >> how unpatriotic. you choose this country over your friend's daughter. >> jimmy: i am supposed to torment you, not the other way around. let's get back to you. you are on "the voice." you host the show. it's a great show. it's doing very well. >> thank you. >> jimmy: you love blake shelton. he's a country singer p he's would have been the judges on the show. >> i like the guy. he's a cold-blooded killer. he's a hunter. he hunts for everything. >> jimmy: he kills things. >> oh, yes. >> jimmy: what kinds of things does he kill? >> like animals, various sorts. when we're not shooting he goes back to oklahoma and just starts texting dead carcasses to me. like he's holding a head of something. >> jimmy: when you're not shooting, he's still shooting. >> he's a great guy. >> jimmy: are you a fan of his music? >> i am, actually. he has this song called "drink on it" which is one of the best
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songs i've ever heard. >> jimmy: can you name one more of his songs? >> no. >> jimmy: well, carson, you're right. >> what is the 11:35 version of this? does he come out? >> jimmy: it's exactly the same. i want to do something nice for you. >> really? i'm terrified right now. you've never said that before. >> jimmy: you know that you have had some trouble -- my cousin sal keeps a list of the 20 most recognizable people -- >> oh, no. >> jimmy: who started their careers on mtv. >> this is the topic of debate for many years. >> jimmy: you had some trouble cracking the top 20. >> cousin sal has trouble believing that i'm in the top 20. >> jimmy: exactly. cousin sal has trouble. but i want to present something to you right now. and ladies and gentlemen, here is my cousin sal with his list for 2012 of cousin sal's top 20
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mtv-born celebrities. again, these are celebrities that got their start on mtv and have now gone on to bigger things. >> i got to be somewhere there. >> we're going to see. >> jimmy: here we go. >> all right. here we go. number one, adam sandler. number two, johnny knoxville. >> jimmy: that's very good. >> number three, pauly shore. number four, snooki. number five, the situation. number six, sharon osbourne. number seven, kelly osbourne. >> jimmy: okay. >> number eight, jack osbourne. >> that's the whole show right there. >> number nine, steve-o. number ten, downtown julie brown. >> nice lady, and all.
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>> number 11 -- it's my list. you make your own list. number 11, the other julie brown. >> jimmy: okay. >> number 12, denis leary. >> he should be higher, i think. >> 13, carmen electra. number 14, jenny mccarthy. number 15, dr. drew. >> very popular. >> number 16 -- >> [ bleep ]. >> what an egotist. number 16, tila tequila. number 17, tom green. numbers 18 and 19, colin and martha quinn. >> jimmy: cousin sal, what is the 20th? >> number 20 most popular mtv-born celebrity, carson daly.
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>> yes! [ applause ] >> thank you. >> jimmy: i'm so happy for you. carson daly, everyone. the two-night season finale of "the voice" starts monday night at 8:00 on nbc. we'll be right back with zachary knighton. >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by keurig. brew what you love. for net10 wireless. doug's family doesn't have that. we aren't doug's family. i can't be seen on some pre-paid phone!! you could have any of these top smartphones at half the cost of our plan. use positive reinforcement. we just wanted to fit in. you fit in right here.
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the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series sponsored by bud light. to stream off air performances and other music videos, go to can't get enough kimmel? find highlights and more at [ male announcer ] it's that time of year again.
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>> jimm >> jimmy: still to come, dan deacon is here. up next, his show "happy
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endings" was just named one of the top ten shows of 2012, airs tuesday nights at 9:00 here on abc, please say hello to zachary knighton. >> how's it going? >> jimmy: doing well. how you doing? >> i'm doing well. >> jimmy: where are you from originally? >> i'm from virginia originally. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: they're just virgins. did you start acting there? >> i did. i went to an acting high school there. i went to college in virginia and actually got some of my first jobs in virginia. >> jimmy: you got acting jobs in virginia. >> i did. my first acting job was this movie that nobody has seen called "cherry falls," which is this horror film starring jay mohr and michael bean.
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and funny enough, back in those days, you had the resume on the back of your picture. >> jimmy: they don't do that anymore? >> i don't think they do that. but they sent -- they were looking for somebody to play a young michael bean in a flashback. so they sent our head shots in, me and my roommate's head shots in, and they actually mixed up the resumes. so they thought they were casting my friend, but they thought his name was zachary knighton. so i get a phone call, i get my first movie. it's like, you know, i'm 17 years old, it's the biggest phone call i've ever gotten in my life, and i get the call, i got the job, i show up to set, i get my haircut, i get the makeup done, i get wardrobe, and i'm sitting in my trailer, i'm so nervous, i'm waiting around and i get this knock at the door. and they go, hey, we have some bad news. you're not the guy that we thought we were casting. and at the same time, i get the
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phone call -- i get the knock at the door, i get a phone call from my roommate and friend, hey, man, i just got my first part in this movie "cherry falls"! >> jimmy: oh no. >> they mix it up, but -- >> jimmy: they fired you? >> they fired me on the spot. they told me i didn't have a job. i was distraught, i was heartbroken. and i get a phone call about 3:00 in the morning. we feel terrible about what happened. we want you to do the movie. so we wrote a part, we created a part for you in the movie. >> jimmy: wow. that's nice. except for the calling you at 3:00 part. that seems unnecessary. >> i didn't care. incidentally, it ended up being a much better part because my roommate, the young michael bean, was a rapist in the movie. and i ended up playing this crazy guy claiming to be the serial killer. >> jimmy: you didn't have to be a rapist. that's nice. >> no. [ applause ] >> jimmy: you were living with a rapist, which is not that good either. and now you live here in los angeles, i would assume?
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>> yes. i live in topanga. which is sort of a canyon off malibu. >> jimmy: yeah, that's like a weird place, isn't it? >> it's kind of this hippie neighborhood. i believe the manson family got their start there. >> jimmy: yeah. >> a nice place to live. i love it because we sort of, you know, i have a family, a wife. >> jimmy: a manson family? >> no. no. >> jimmy: a regular family. >> a regular human family. i love it because i get to have chickens. >> jimmy: i've been wanting to get chickens in my backyard. >> i have chickens. >> jimmy: how do you like having chickens? is it all it's cracked up to be? i really do, i'm not kidding. i want to get chickens in my backyard. >> it was amazing up until last week when my chickens met a terrible end. >> jimmy: oh no. >> i left in the morning. i was going on sort of a day with some of my bros and i
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called home to check up on things, and my father-in-law answered the call. he's this 72-year-old amazing insane vietnamese man and he said, oh, i'm very upset. i'm very upset. i said what's the matter, hip? >> jimmy: what? >> hipdang is his name. he says i'm very upset. i said what's the matter? he said the chickens are gone. and so i said, what's wrong? he said some animal took the chickens. so i get my wife on the phone. the wife gets on the phone. she goes dad! she was trying to basically hide the fact that the chickens had been -- the chicken coop had been raided by these raccoons or something, some kind of animal, and was trying to patch up the coop and get new chickens so i would never know. which is very sweet. >> jimmy: is this a sitcom? >> pretty much. and she hates chickens, by the way, so it was very sweet that
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she was doing this. >> jimmy: that is a sacrifice for her to make. did she not think you would recognize your own chickens? >> that's the thing. she got chicks. they're babies. >> jimmy: there's a time machine in the coop. [ laughter ] >> so i was very upset. i came home and my father-in-law and i decided that we were going to do a raid. we were going to stake out the coop and get these raccoons. not kill them or anything. catch them and release them. so we actually did that last night. >> jimmy: you got them? >> no, no. we didn't get them. >> jimmy: what happened? >> we staked out the coop for about 45 minutes, and then it started raining. >> jimmy: hold on for a second. what do you mean when you staked out? waiting in the car outside smoking? why are you staking out -- what are you going to do when the raccoons show up? >> i don't know. i was hoping that hipdang would have all the answers. [ laughter ] we got all geared up.
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>> jimmy: your father-in-law is here. >> yeah, he's here. >> jimmy: what exactly were you guys going to do if the raccoon showed up? >> say it again, billy? >> jimmy: i'm not billy. i'm jimmy. how would you have captured the raccoons? >> we think they will come back again. so we will wait to come in and we shoot them. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: do you have a gun? >> a bb gun. >> jimmy: do you have a gun to shoot them with? >> bb gun. >> jimmy: oh, a bb gun. this is a little darker than you had initially -- so you're going shoot them with the bb gun and then you figured you would learn their lesson. >> but they don't come.
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>> jimmy: they didn't come. will you be waiting for them tonight? >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> i actually brought a picture of hip and i on our mission last night. >> jimmy: what is this? what is going on? [ applause ] it's going to be a great movie. >> this is an old -- kind of a lot of old hippies live in this neighborhood. so i started to think -- i got this veietnamese man in cam moe and i'm thinking i'm going to send some poor bastard into a flash back. we called it off. we were cold and wet and i wanted to watch tv. my hunting days are over. >> this is quite a tale. the show is very funny, "happy endings." not as funny as your real life. >> thank you. >> jimmy: did your father-in-law watch the show?
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>> yeah, he watches. you watch the show, right? >> jimmy: do you watch "happy endings"? >> yeah. >> jimmy: do you like it? >> i love it. >> jimmy: you love it. do you know what night it's on? >> tuesday. >> jimmy: that is absolutely right. it is on tuesday nights at 9:00 here on abc. zachary knighton and his father-in-law hip, everybody. we'll be right back with dan deacon.
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>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series sponsored by bud light. >> jimmy: this is his latest album, it's called "america." making his network television debut, dan deacon. ♪ ♪
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