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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  February 28, 2013 10:00pm-11:00pm PST

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the oscars? that's -- that's from my uncle dave's first car. is that michelle kwan? she had impeccable grace. yes. you have every season of "card sharks" on vhs? this show changed my life. you got to throw this stuff out. i mean, this is ridicu-- oh. sorry. sorry. um, here. sorry, man. i'm sorry. here, here, here, here. put some meat on it. that's -- thank you. oh, my god! what is this? oh, you know what these are? this was my lucky charm, actually. this is what got me through the oscars. that's actually -- fingers? yeah, not just any fingers, either, you know. those are taylor lautner's fingers. that's my taylor lautner's fingers key chain. that's disgusting. can i have this? no, no, no, no. these are mine. but you can get your own. you're a monster, macfarlane! aah! here. run. he's fast. aaaah! lautner: aaaah!
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white people. barrett: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live after the oscars." tonight... an oscar edition of "lie witness news"... with appearances from bruno mars, jessica chastain, samuel l. jackson, kerry washington, bradley cooper, oprah winfrey, matt damon, and many more in "movie: the movie 2v." presented by red stripe. and now the envelope, please. here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] kimmel: thank you very much. hi, everybody. thank you for watching. thank you for being here. this is our eighth-annual after the oscars special.
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i'm your host, jimmy kimmel. this show is to the oscars what ikea is to furniture. yes. a little flimsy, but it will do. i thought -- i thought the -- did you like the oscars tonight? i thought it was a pretty good show, right? [ cheers and applause ] seth macfarlane did a very nice job hosting. but should a 4-hour-long television show be allowed to give out awards for editing? i say no. these were the 85th annual academy awards, which is significant because 85 also happens to be the average weight of the women on the red carpet. instead of asking, "who are you wearing?" they should ask, "when you are eating?" one of these years, some poor starving actress is going to take a bite out of a microphone, and everybody's gonna be sorry. the dolby theatre, where the oscars take place, is directly across the street from us, which is why security around here is so tight. bastards confiscated both of my cans of aqua net this morning. security is way over the top. i guess -- i guess you have to have it. you have almost every big celebrity in the world
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in one building. you know, if something were to happen, we'd have to give awards to real housewives instead of movie stars, god forbid. and, um... did i do that consciously? i'm sorry. in case you're wondering how to pronounce the name of the musical hugh jackman starred in this year, you pronounce it like this... les misérables. could we have that one more time? les misérables. thank you, john travolta. "lay miser-ab-las." that can't possibly be how you say it, can it? guillermo, is that how you say it? yes, jimmy. kimmel: that is? okay. of course, as is always the case, there's a lot of hype leading up to oscar night. there's campaigning and predicting and speculating, filling time -- in creative ways like this, in tonight's edition of "how is this news?" woman: the numbers show men are more likely to wave their statues in the air.
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that's because girls don't have statues. we're shaped differently. there was a lot of red-carpet coverage. for the fifth consecutive year, ryan seacrest took home the award for best animated short. congratulations to him. the e! network started the red-carpet countdown at 10:30 a.m., seven full hours before the broadcast started. and this year they really kicked things up a notch. they called this the countdown to the red carpet. they had an animal trainer stop by to demonstrate how a tiger can do stunts like the ones in the movie "life of pi." the trainer's name was randy, which i think is a bad sign to start with. but as you'll see here, randy had the situation completely under control. rancic: you will only see this live on e! other shows might, you know, pretape this just to make sure everyone was safe. no, let's throw me in willy-nilly. oh, i have to be quiet? oh, god. something like that. here, we'll do another one. no, i think that's good. woman: oh, my god, did you see that?
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that's good. okay, give her a second. hey, call her, call her. no, no, no, no, no! no! woman: get it. get it. call her. get closer. no. hot. rancic: what's happening? she's just confused. she's confused? yeah. well, that makes two of us. she now knows. get her in there. [ laughter ] and that's why we use cgi. how great would it have been if the tiger got loose and ate giuliana rancic? i did well on my oscar pool. i had "argo" for best picture. i had daniel day-lewis for best actor and ernest borgnine for the "in memoriam" montage. i won 5 million bucks. mm-hmm. i feel kind of bad for anne hathaway. she gave one of the best performances of the year and realized her lifelong dream of winning an oscar, and all people want to talk about is her nipples in that dress. the nipples almost poked through the dress. oh, it was -- this is a big event. you have to sand those down. jennifer lawrence won the award for best actress.
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you know, every night in hollywood, you see beautiful women going home with little bald men. tonight is the only night they're actually happy about it. it's crazy. "argo" won best picture. ben affleck wasn't even nominated for best director. next year ben affleck should get a nomination for whatever he directs. even if it's a documentary about yoga pants, he should be nominated. another winner tonight was "amour." and i'll say this -- i don't usually go for foreign films, but if you see one movie this year about an elderly man wiping the spit off his bedridden, incontinent wife's face for three hours in french, this is the one... raves peter travers. one of my favorite movies of the year was "life of pi." it has a great story. it's visually unbelievable. ang lee did an amazing job. he won best director for it tonight. that's why i was extra excited today. they announced there's a sequel in the works. and wouldn't you know it -- we happen to have a sneak preview.
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my name is psy -- p-s-y. i have been in a shipwreck. i am on a lifeboat alone with a tiger... [ tiger growling ] ...and a boom box that only plays one song, a very, very annoying song. please, send help. ♪ oppan gangnam style ♪ gangnam style ♪ op, op, op, op ♪ oppan gangnam style [ growls ] ♪ oppan gangnam style ♪ hey, sexy lady [ roars ] [ roars ] man: "life of psy." he's dead now. you're welcome. [ cheers and applause ] [ speaks indistinctly ] so, the academy awards are officially over.
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the red carpet has been rolled up. the 10-foot-tall oscar statues go back to standing guard around elton john's bed. but we're just getting started. we'll be right back to watch people lie in a special oscar edition of "lie witness news," plus jamie foxx, channing tatum, and "movie: the movie 2v" are on the way. so please come back. [ cheers and applause ] and our team was able to with complete equanimity look at you using a big word in an office meeting ♪ ooh look at you ♪ using a big word in an office meeting ♪ ♪ all correctly and stuff ♪ you got a big presentation ♪ and colleagues to impress ♪ why not employ complex vernacular ♪ ♪ to substantiate your intelligence ♪ ♪ he used a big big word ♪ promote him right away hooray big word usage! red stripe hooray beer!
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[ cheers and applause ] hi, there. welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live after the oscars." it was a very big night for white guys with ponytails, that is for sure. and those who didn't win oscars did not go home empty-handed tonight. the losers got a gift basket valued at more than $45,000. there were a lot of things in the gift basket, including condoms, bottles of tequila, and gift certificates for acupuncture and aromatherapy sessions, which means quvenzhané wallis is the most confused 9-year-old on the planet right now. almost everyone has an opinion or many opinions on the oscars, even people who haven't seen all the movies. people in general tend to have strong opinions on subjects they know nothing about. and to prove it, we sent a camera crew out onto hollywood boulevard on friday.
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now, this is a full two days before the oscars aired. they hadn't even finished rolling the red carpet out. so there's no possible way anyone could have an opinion on how the oscars went, but that didn't stop them from giving one in a special oscar edition of "lie witness news." so, the big night is over. what did you think of the oscars? you know, honestly, i love the way that they sort of revamped it this year. i think the new producers were sort of a great change. and all the tributes they did to the previous years -- it was nice to see some of the previous sort of film greats acknowledged, yeah. the big night is over. what did you think of the oscars? i thought it was amazing. i thought it was a really good performance by all the people. what was your favorite part of the night? i would have to say the best picture award. it was really cool. which picture? what? which one won best picture? i couldn't tell you.
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what happened when the power went out? oh, my god, everybody was like, "oh, my god, is this one of those really big earthquakes?" i was like, "oh, my goodness." i was really nervous, but it was really nice. after the lights came back on, everything was really good. what was your favorite part of the oscars? helen hunt. that girl got it going on, man. what did you think of suri cruise's acceptance speech? it was a little bit too long. you know what i'm saying? it went on for the longest. it was kind of nerve-racking, so i just got up and left. where were you when you got up and left? in my bedroom. i had to go to the kitchen. what do you think of barbra streisand's nip slip? well, you know, there will be wardrobe malfunctions every now and then. so, you know, hopefully the little kids weren't watching or the parents put their hands over their eyes. i know. 'cause it was huge. it was huge, but, hey, you know. what did you think of the oscars? the oscars? man, they got nothing going on. man, this is --
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i like mary j. blige. the big night is over. what did you think of the oscars? seriously? [ laughing ] they didn't do them yet. they didn't do them yet. okay, be honest, are you drunk? yes. i've had a few. [ cheers and applause ] where are their awards for acting? where are their gift baskets full of condoms and acupuncture? which is a bad combination, by the way. we have an excellent show for you tonight. channing tatum and jamie foxx are here. they're heading across the street. and we'll be right back with more stars than you could possibly eat in this. sir, we're under attack. uhhhhh! they're too sexy!
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the long-anticipated sequel to "movie: the movie" is next. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ start with the best.
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and you'll see younger looking skin before you even finish one jar. ♪ new olay regenerist. the wait is over. new olay regenerist. with a smartphone from straight talk wireless. she'll get the same nationwide coverage for half the cost. let's see if she notices. call bill. i think she does.she just saved $950 a year. enough for riding lessons. straight talk wireless. same phones. same networks. half the cost. [ cheers and applause ] hi, there. welcome back to our eighth-annual
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after the oscars special. i am best supporting talk show host nominee james "jimmy" kimmel. tonight on the program, the stars of the movie "white house down" -- channing tatum and jamie foxx are here. exciting. i just got word from their representatives, they both promise to get naked tonight on the show. [ cheers and applause ] you know, last year on our show after the oscars, we debuted a trailer for the greatest motion picture ever not made. we called it "movie: the movie." it was very popular. it's been viewed on youtube alone over 20 million times. it's been viewed like 30 million or 40 million times. and when have you a big success in hollywood, there's only one reasonable thing you can do, and that is cheapen it with a sequel. with that said, i give you the world premiere of the trailer for "movie: the movie 2v." announcer: we thought our lives were normal. we thought our world was safe. but then they came.
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sexy vampires. hey. [ gasps ] sexy zombies, sexy mummies. [ moans ] and sexy leprechauns. taste the rainbow. oh, i want to breathe all over your faces. aaaah! when our planet is ravaged by lust... aah! sir, we're under attack! ...only one man stands between us and annihilation. attacked by what? everything. i know i should run, but they're just so dreamy. take me. teenage girls and their weird moms don't stand a chance. assemble the team. starring gerard butler
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as a man desperately searching for his daughter. where is my daughter? tell me now, or i will hunt you down. and i will make you -- oh, never mind. okay, bye, mom. bryan cranston as a brilliant armless piano savant. [ dissonant notes play ] and john krasinski as a hero born from tragedy who witnesses the murder of his parents... noooo! ...while getting splashed in the face with acid... noooo! ...and bitten by a radioactive cocktail shrimp. ah. nooooo! and on that night, i swore vengeance. on that night, i became the shrimp!
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get me the president. boop, boop. madam president, you have a call. who is it? jimmy kimmel. kimmel? hello, madam president, we have a -- she's probably busy. the network and the country and everything. yeah. when the world plunges into chaos... for those of you just joining us, we are all going to die. tweet us your doomsday thoughts @wolfblitzer #sexpocalypse. we'd love to hear from you. man will unite them all. this is the greatest team ever assembled, the likes of which have never before been seen on film, like you, handsome inspirational teacher from a low-income public school. i'm not giving up on these kids. [ spits ] it'll take more than that. and you, nerdy girl who takes off her glasses
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and turns superhot. and you, creepy twin girls possessed by satan. and you, magical boy robot who teaches his family the true meaning of christmas. the real gift is in our hearts. bzzt. hmm. zzt. zzt. zzt. or you, cgi gopher with the voice of a black person obviously written by a white person. word up, homey. who wants to skateboard? now who's ready to go kick some sexy monster ass? all: yeah! you inspire me! it's shrimping time. witness the ultimate battle. aah! [ baby giggles ] uhhhhh. stop! let us not fight. let us love.
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bruno mars. ♪ baby, it's the love that we share ♪ oh, no! no! what's up? in our darkest hour... they're too sexy. they're just -- they're just too sexy, jimmy! ...when all hope is lost comes a blatant attempt to win an academy award by salma hayek... oh, i might not last the night. ...and salma hayek. one night is all we need. [ sniffles ] i love me so much. featuring a revolutionary motion-captured performance by matt damon eating a sandwich. oh, i'm eating -- i'm eating a sandwich? okay, yeah. a big sandwich. bigger -- bigger sandwich? faster.
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am i doing it right? oh, are you going to make that a [bleep] just a big [bleep] [bleep] kimmel. in the end, all that can save us is a film adaptation of a hit broadway musical. ♪ outsex them, outsex with all you can ♪ ♪ outsex them, outsex them like a man ♪ a break-dancing musical. sometimes the only way to fight sexy is with sexy. release the tatum! [ roars ] this arbor day, witness the incredible true story... steady. ...based on a tweet by gary busey... steady.
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...and the best-selling board game. now! jenga! "movie: the movie 2v." no! [ cheers and applause ] thanks to all who participated. we'll be right back with jamie foxx and channing tatum. [ cheers and applause ] good morning, turtle. ♪ my friends are all around me ♪ my friends, they do surround me ♪ ♪ i hope this never ends ♪ and we'll be the best of friends ♪ [ male announcer ] introducing the reimagined 2013 chevrolet traverse.
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this is basically just as fast. oh. and verizon's got more fast lte coverage than all other networks combined. so it's better. yes. oh, why didn't you just say that? huh-- what is he doing?
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[ cheers and applause ] hi. we're back. we are live from hollywood. last year was a very big one for our guests tonight. their movies "21 jump street," "django unchained," and "magic mike" were among the most popular and acclaimed of the year. they braved a treacherously busy hollywood boulevard crosswalk to be here with us tonight. their action thriller "white house down" opens june 28th. please say hello to channing tatum and jamie foxx. [ cheers and applause ] handsome. everybody looks so sharp. [ chuckles ] all right, calm down, you animals.
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he's releasing a little bit -- that's hilarious. how are you guys doing? thanks for coming over. i know you had to ditch the governor's ball to be here tonight. the governor's ball. yeah, the governor's ball. no interest? nah. did you have fun at the show? was it a fun event? i don't really remember very much of it, to be honest. like, i was just trying not to break charlize theron. yeah, yeah, you should never break charlize theron. it's a -- yeah -- thing you should not do. you guys looked great, man. how does that work when your wife is -- how pregnant is your wife? really pregnant. and you tell her you've got to go rehearse the tango or whatever you did with charlize. she was actually giving me notes. she's the actual performer. and so i would come home -- that was first time ever for me dancing in front of a crowd without my wife. and with clothes on. yes. that's true. that's true. that's true. but you did well. did you feel like it went well? it was weird having clothes on, actually. yeah, i know. it's so uncomfortable, isn't it? i didn't know what to do with the clothes.
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it was strange. speaking of not having clothes on, jamie, this is the elephant in the room, literally. in "django," was -- prosthetic or just gigantic? just gigantic. just gigantic? gigantic, baby. you know what i mean? [ cheers and applause ] release the hounds! no, it's crazy. i also want to say the striptease you did during the "in memoriam" montage was very tasteful. very, very tasteful. so you saw "magic mike". i saw "magic mike." oh, yeah. yeah. i thought it was great. actually, i think both of your movies were great. i thought "21 jump street" was a great movie, too. now, which one of you won the oscar for "ray"? i forget. i worked really hard on that one. jamie, your acceptance speech -- i mean, your performance in the movie was great, but it may have been topped by your acceptance speech at the oscars. listen, that moment was amazing.
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my grandmother had passed away just a year before, who had put so much work in to making sure i did the right thing. and then -- so that night, i was just -- i was overwhelmed. but if you notice, though, there was a little bit of -- how would you say -- my pimp game was still intact. just as grandma would want it. [ laughter ] my pimp game was intact 'cause, you know, i acknowledged halle berry. you noticed that. amongst all the emotions, i'm like, "halle, look out." you know, but it's so much fun. i don't know how you feel, though. but what's amazing to be in the audience and seeing all of your favorite actors, like, up close. i sat next to tommy lee jones. and i just wanted to so badly go, "the fugitive's name is dr. richard kimball. go get him." i mean, i don't know if you -- i just wanted to say that so bad. i'm sure he loves hearing that, right? but from you, it would probably be okay. who were you sitting next to?
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i was gonna impersonate meryl streep, but i was kind of too nervous to. yeah, yeah, probably not a great idea, although she probably would have been okay with that. she would have just laughed and been really gracious and then just been like, "get on out of here." yeah. "leave me alone. leave me alone." "get out of here, crazy boy." so, you're gonna go to oscar parties after this? or is this it? i'm not sure. i've got a pregnant wife. we'll see what the pregnant button -- you know, there is a pregnant button. when the button goes off, you just go home. and, jamie, will you be making anyone pregnant tonight? [ laughter ] oh, man. oh, man. [ cheers and applause ] stomp twice for yes. yeah, i put it on safety for now. how does it work? because oscar night for most people is a very special night. there are all these parties. for you it's like tuesday. i'm hood. i'm hood. see, i didn't go to the vanity fair party the time -- with "ray." i had my homey throw another party because i didn't want to make it seem like i knew that i was going to win or anything like that.
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so he threw the party under his name, and i didn't go. it was a little more -- like, there were guys in there without social security numbers. it was a little more -- it was like my hood friends. you know what i'm saying? and i remember walking in with the oscar, and my homies took the oscar -- "give me that, man. take a picture of this, dawg. take a picture of this." and people were -- there was a lot of cannabis going on. at my party was a lot of cannabis. and i just remember losing my oscar and then seeing my oscar sitting there like, "man, what's going on?" it was like the gnome commercial. he's, like, taking a picture with the gnome. smoking out of your oscar. yeah. my oscar had jumped off the stand and was trying to catch a cab. [ laughter ] but, you know -- but there's fun in it. and then at the same time, there's an opportunity to make business happen, so it's like you see a lot of people that you want to work -- i saw steven spielberg. i bet you made a lot of business happen.
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much, much business probably happened. but it was clean business. you're going to -- you're gonna go start shooting a movie pretty soon. you're going over to london. i heard you tell ryan seacrest on the red carpet that you're having your baby in london. yep. working, working always. and jenna's actually gonna be working. and she's coming over pretty much almost four weeks before she's going to have the baby to london, and i hope it just doesn't pop out with a weird accent. so your baby -- baby talking like madonna or something. what is happening? madonna? your baby will not be able to be president of the united states. did you know that? it's pretty depressing, actually. it could be a mayor, though. it could be a mayor? well, that's shooting pretty low, though, isn't it? you could be mayor. yeah. can you be a governor? governor, yeah, that's what i meant. you can be a governor. okay. wow, yeah, so, that's interesting to have your child in another country, not even in a military-type situation, where they say, "okay" -- maybe you could do that -- have the baby on a military base. yeah, maybe. we've got to make this kid american somehow. yeah, that'd be good, man. yeah. [ laughter ]
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just catch her in an american flag. she's flapping in the wind. did you guys meet on the set of the new movie? is that when you first met? i think i might have met you once before, and then -- but, yeah, pretty much. he came off of "django" right into "white house down." how much time is between them? zero. zero. i went from being a slave to the president. literally. wow. let's clap that up. do you know what's crazy, though, is like -- come on, let's be honest, man. i have not had that many women call me to try to be on a set in my life. they're like, "so, jamie, i mean, what you shooting?" i said, "please, come on. you know who i'm shooting a movie with." and even my daughter. but you so gracious. he was so gracious. he skyped her and said, "what's up?" and i heard her -- whatever she does.
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her instagram, tweet, whatever just went crazy, you know? so all the women were trying to get to the set. women become very fertile when channing is around. it's unbelievable. it's true. it's actually true. it's weird. well, we're gonna take a quick break here. the new movie, which comes out june 28th, is called "white house down." channing tatum and jamie foxx are here. [ cheers and applause ] barrett: "jimmy kimmel live after the oscars" is presented by red stripe. hooray short acceptance speeches. hooray beer.
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we're back with channing tatum and jamie foxx. they have a new movie called "white house down." it comes out on june 28th. but it's probably a good idea to start getting in line now.
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what is the movie about? you play the president. yeah, i play the president, but i don't play president obama. i just want to make -- people -- because everybody was saying, am i doing obama. and i do do obama but, i mean, not in this movie. i do impersonation. i'm sorry. fact that obama is african-american is why they thought, "okay, yeah, people will buy this, jamie foxx as the president"? of course. [ as obama ] and if there's any doubt that america is not the most incredible country in the world and -- yeah. [ laughs ] funny. imitations of obama always sound like a black guy imitating a white guy. [ normal voice ] that is true. that is true. and you play a secret service agent? i want to be. i'm trying to be. i'm aspiring secret service agent. but i do not make the grade. is it one of those sexy secret service agents that are going around in colombia making love to their -- it -- no.
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it's -- i do have a weirdly three-piece suit on, and i'm -- listen, the dude can't get away from being sexy. look, there was this one scene where he felt weird. he said, "i feel weird." remember you were shooting the gun in the elevator. i said, "bro, you have roland emmerich, who shot every big movie in the world." i said, "just trust it." and he does the shot where he goes in, and it seemed like it went quick, like [imitating gunfire] "and cut." but they run it back in slow motion. it was like... even i was like, "that's good." but what i did tell him was this. i said his spirit was so cool. and he didn't understand. like, he's so -- he's such a big star, but the way they captured him in the film, man -- you loved working together, it sounds like. yeah, you know. absolutely.
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and i was always clowning because, you know -- he was just like, "man, just flex the biceps." yeah. oh, yeah. remember to flex the biceps? 'cause at one point there was a shot where he takes two guns and he does this. and i was like, "no, bro, you got to flex the thing." and that thing -- you know, all of that. it seems like you have a bond, the two of you. yes? i mean, i have a bond. and there's something about just -- i just love working with channing. yeah. and you say his name, and it feels euphoric. his name? yeah. yeah. channing tatum. it's like -- it's like "aloha." you know? what? no, it means hello and goodbye. just listen. channing tatum. [ cheers and applause ] no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. don't instigate this. it's just a great -- ladies, wouldn't you agree? it's just a great name to say. [ cheers and applause ] it's such a great name, and it means so many wonderful things.
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do you mind if i use a piano? to just -- not at all. whoa, whoa, what? okay. i don't mind if you use the piano at all. [ notes play ] it's just -- i hope i don't embarrass you, man. we got a little crown royal here and everything like that. oh, nice. get the mood right. thank you, guillermo. and, you know, working with channing, it was just cool. but i just felt something in that name. and, you know, i wanted to do a song, and maybe we can put this on itunes. the song is like... ♪ i see a pretty lady across the bar ♪ ♪ she smiles at me and gets right in my car ♪ ♪ and i know i want to channing all over her tatum ♪ ♪ all over her tatum, yes what? no, no, no, no. no. no, no. wait. what does that mean? what does that mean? that sounds dirty, man. we're on tv right now. no, no, no. it's not dirty.
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it's not dirty at all. it's almost spiritual. it's clean. it's not dirty, you say. not at all. no. can i go on? yeah, go on. 'cause i think this is going to be dope. we'll get trinidad james to guest on it. it'll be crazy. ♪ if you're picking up a latte at the coffee shop ♪ ♪ and the lady puts whipped cream all over top ♪ ♪ then you know she just channinged all over your tatum ♪ ♪ tate, tate, tate, tatum ♪ ooh do another one. do another one. uh, here's one more. ♪ when you're wearing blue jeans ♪ ♪ and you want to wear shorts ♪ ♪ you grab yourself some scissors ♪ ♪ and now you got jorts ♪ then you know you want to channing all over the tatum ♪ whoa. wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. so, what? hold on a second. no, no, no, no. bad audience. i like that. ♪ channing
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i'm sorry. what does that even mean? you had jeans and now you have jorts? and i don't know. you want to do what all over my tatum? i don't really understand. channing all over your tatum. you know what? i love it. it's so true, too. i mean, it's like -- can i try one? yes. whoa, okay. all right, all right. five, six, five, six, seven, eight. ♪ it's oscar night, and i feel blessed ♪ ♪ i got magic mike and django as my special guests ♪ ♪ i want to channing all over your tatum ♪ it's good. it's good. whoa. that's nice. well done. i got another one, too, i think. you know what? i think you should, baby. let's rock this while we got this. let's rock. y'all want some more of this? [ cheers and applause ] ♪ my mom -- go deep. here we go. go deep. five, six, seven, eight. ♪ my mom worked hard to raise me right ♪ ♪ she always kissed and hugged me very tight ♪ ♪ and now i want to channing all over her tatum ♪
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whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. come on, man. what are you doing? what are you doing? that's my mom, bro. that's filthy. no, you said it was clean. that's my mom. you're going to channing all over my mom? no, i meant my mom. no, you don't want to channing on your mom, man. you don't want to do that to your mother. that's filthy. i'm sorry. i guess i didn't understand. i didn't mean to cause anybody any problems. i'm just saying, you don't want tatum all over your mama. yeah, bro. i'm very sorry. get out of here, bro. get out. go, go. you got to get out of here. this is my show. i don't know if i can get out. you got to go right now. all right, i will go, then. i'll stand in the corner here. can we finish the song? go quick because the show's almost over. can we finish the song? could you -- could you -- can we finish this song right here? [ cheers and applause ] i think we need to finish it the right way.
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♪ 'cause when jimmy kimmel tries to step to me ♪ ♪ with gross-ass stuff about... ♪ ♪ you know what? ♪ i want to channing all over her tatum ♪ kimmel: this makes no sense. we'll be right back. [ speaking indistinctly ] barrett: "jimmy kimmel live after the oscars" is presented by red stripe. hooray short acceptance speeches. hooray beer.
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...look in the cooler. introducing tropicana farmstand. a deliciously chilled fruit and vegetable juice. tropicana farmstand. [ kids ] yes! it's better to be fast to not be bitten by a werewolf
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and then you'll be turned into one and you will have to stay in and then you'll have to get shaved because you will be too hot and then you're like... [ growling ] which means i wish i was back to a human. what? [ male announcer ] it's not complicated. faster is better. and at&t is the nation's fastest 4g lte network for your iphone 5. ♪ for your iphone 5. you've had 10 years to kill him. you've come up with nothing. false leads, dead ends. you had your time. now it's mine's. if you think i'm gonna let you go alone into pakistan -- he's not in pakistan. he's in a storage locker in van nuys.
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every morning his contact slides a starbucks half-caf pumpkin spice latte under his door. i'm going in alone. you're crazy. no, i'm 50. "fiddy"? fifty. all right, you sure? i always heard fiddy. want me to [bleep] you up in here? it's gonna take more than a glock to take down bin laden. nunchucks? gun-chucks. ♪ many men ♪ many, many, many, many men ♪ wish death 'pon me ♪ lord, i don't cry no more man: well, maybe a little. big balls ready to have a beautiful woman fall over them. [ laughing ] best torture video ever. [ laughs ] half-caf pumpkin latte?
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fiddy? no. fifty. could have sworn it was fiddy. but anyway, say hello to my knife-chucks. [ laughs ] [ shouting ] never bring knife-chucks to a gun-chuck fight. ♪ go, go, go, go, shorty, it's your birthday ♪ ♪ we gonna party like it's your birthday ♪ ♪ we gonna sip bacardi like it's your birthday ♪ it's fifty. fifty -- the number after 49. will you guys come back every night? i think it would be a lot of fun. we can make it happen. hey, man, for sure. well, i want to thank -- well, first of all, i want to thank the academy. i want to thank channing. i want to thank jamie.
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i want to thank seth macfarlane, taylor lautner, 50 cent. i want to thank the many stars of "movie: the movie 2," even that jerk matt damon. join us tomorrow night. we have our regular show at our regular time in my regular clothes. until then, thanks for watching. jamie, you want to sing a little more as we go off the air? one. yeah, here we go. ♪ chan, channing all over ♪ ♪ chan, channing all over ♪ noooo! they're too sexy! we are all going to die. [ notes play ] thank you. being the consummate professional that i am, i tied up my arms for at least a month, and i haven't used them at all. and there are certain things that, you know, are more difficult than others, but...
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you have to stay positive. i mean, what else are you gonna do? no! yeah, jimmy called me about this movie, and i was a little unsure because i'm kind of known for my singing and dancing and modeling. but when i saw jimmy act, you know, i felt like... like, i mean, anybody can do this. get me the president. boop, boop. jimmy was easily the most difficult co-star i've ever had. and i co-starred in a movie with osama bin laden. jenga! let me clarify something. now, when i say somebody is a [bleep] i don't mean to imply that they're actually [bleep] mother. even though they probably are [bleep] somebody's mother or a girl who's going to be a mother or whatever. you know, unless i'm talking about topher grace. dude is weird.
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he is a [bleep] i'm -- i'm -- i'm adopted. aaaaah! honestly, horrible. most unprofessional actor i've ever worked with. oh, no. ah, she [bleep] herself. you got to be [bleep] kidding me, huh? you will never work in this town again. you know, i just thought about it. i don't even know why i keep coming back to do this. i mean, every time i do, he makes me look like an idiot. you know what, jimmy? i got something to say to you. you're a big genius. and my penis is very small. what do you think about that? and boston sucks. "movie: the move 2v." -- captions by vitac -- sawsz.
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>> breaking news. home in danger. evacuation under way. up next live from the fire lines in southern california as the flames continue to spread. >> and new video. new information on the ambush that killed 2 pay area police killed 2 pay area police officers. stay with us. 7
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>> that breaking news is in southern california tonight where a massive wildfire continues to rage in riverside county. hundreds have been evacuated from their homes. >> fire broke out 4:30 this afternoon in the regional park. thick rising smoke visible in los angeles. more than 50 miles to the west. cal fire says more than 150 acres burned so far and the fire just 20 percent contained. downed power lines could be the cause it. >> f. right now 200 firefighters on the scene. >> burning ember from the


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