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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  July 31, 2013 11:35pm-12:36am PDT

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>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- johnny knoxville, from "percy jackson -- sea of monsters," logan lerman, and music from queens of the stone age and now, that reminds me, here is jimmy kimmel! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. >> jimmy: thank you for
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watching, if you're joining me in beautiful hollywood, california. and you're here on a special night, this is night three of beard week. it is a great tradition that da dates back to the last time i didn't feel like shaving. and history was born, i hate shaving, you realize when you shape you put a razor blade on your face and everything is scraped off. and what maniac started that? who decided we should leave the eyebrows alone? i actually looked it up. shaving became the thing to do in the 1890s, because most beards were infested with lice. and in old england, the enemy couldn't grab you by the beard? that would suck. i would hate it if an enemy had
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my beard. guillermo, can you imagine having an enemy grab you -- in your case, the mustache? would be terrible, right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: do you have any enemies? >> no. >> jimmy: guillermo's only enemy is the american eagle which will pick him up and carry him off. >> that is right. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i want to -- congratulations are reportedly in order for simon cowell, according to multiple sources today, my son is going to be a father. and may god help that kid if he screws up the lyrics to "itsy bitsy spider." and the mother is the wife of one of his closest friends. she is married to the mogul, they're getting divorced, which
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seems like a good idea. they actually used to vacation together. for a while it looked like gordon was going to steal the title for most ruthless, but now that simon has done this with, it looks like gordon will have to put somebody's head in a vat. this woman taped herself doing this, why, i'm not sure. but i'm glad she did. ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: does have a beautiful screaming voice. that is a literal interpretation of dropping it like it's hot. there is against all odds more monkey drama unfolding for justin bieber, i think we all remember where we were back my march when we heard the terrible news that the german officials had taken his pet monkey because he didn't have the paperwork to
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bring the monkey over the border in germany. he left the monkey in quarantine, and also never picked the monkey up or paid the fine they charge you to keep the monkey in quarantine. let me tell you something, these kids these days, their fast cars and overdue bills. it is ridiculous. but the germans say that bieber owes them $1500 for the care of the monkey. and you know he has money, look, he has so much money he can't even keep his hands down he has so much money. it is a serious thing. if you don't pay your monkey bill they could turn your monkey off. and it is like $300 to get your monkey going again. and justin owes other money to customs in munich, for other services, the spokesperson said that bieber has one week to pay and if he doesn't, this is a quote, they have "ways of making him pay."
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that is the nature conservation guy in germany. imagine what the police are like. good luck to justin bieber, the good news is i think we found a plot line for inglourious basterds ii. and the marlins are playing, top of the eighth, they struck one out. watch this. >> did he go? yes! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: he does it so hard, the weight of his first carried him, like an actual marlin being pulled from the sea. something even more exciting happened, the yankees/dodgers game here in l.a. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well, i don't know why you're applauding. but this is not funny, i'm
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showing it just to brag. the great mel brooks was in the crowd. and look at what he was wearing. that is right. a sweatshirt with my name on it. that is right. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i knew it was -- knew it was a good idea to give all of our guests a 5% discount on merchandise. and finally saying thank you, that was the extent of our ad budget. and finally, politics, new jersey governor chris christie and kentucky senator rand paul are in a battle right now. for those who don't know, rand paul is rue paul's straight brother, something like that, apparently gigged him for pork spending, saying this is the king of bacon talking about bacon. the king of bacon, is that supposed to be an insult? i would kneel before the king of bacon. but it is notable because governor christie is a very large man, he called him the
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king of bacon. he had that surgery. so far he lost about 60 pounds, i hope he gets more lost, i would love him holding a pair of pants, wouldn't that be inspiring? but i tell you whatever is going on in new jersey is peanuts compared to what is going on with anthony weiner in new york. today's news was one of his former interns, she had a great story with the new york daily news. she claims at one point, it was not sexual. but he called all 20 interns into his office. he said tell me your names and i'll be able to go around the room and remember all of your names. and he started to go around the room and couldn't remember any of their names. he knew their screen names. but he did not know their -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: he -- for some reason he called two of the interns named monica, and neither one of them was named monica.
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calling an intern monica, that cannot be a coincidence. and this morning, savannah guthrie talked about the pressure he is getting to drop out of the race. and in doing so she provided us with our unintentional joke of the day. >> a lot of people were asking how long can weiner stay in. >> jimmy: i think it just depends on his mood, his state of mind. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: but despite the many, many people that are telling him to bow out, he has vowed to continue to fight. he said he is staying in the race because he cares deeply about the people of new york. except for the one he is married to. and even went so far as to shoot a new campaign ad explaining why he won't drop out. >> you know, sometimes people say to me, this campaign is pretty rough, you may want to quit. i knew that there are newspaper editors and other politicians that say boy, i wish that guy, weiner, would quit. they don't know new york, they certainly don't know me. quit is not the way we roll in
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new york city. >> he won't even quit texting pictures of his penis. he is definitely not a quitter. but let's see the rest. >> there are people all around new york city who get up in the morning with a pretty tough day ahead of them and they don't quit. but it is really not about the campaign and the candidates. and this is not about me. it is about helping new yorkers, because they understand what this is all about. that is what they understand. >> jimmy: see, i'm not a political strategist, but to me, that is a mistake. i hope he wins, i really do. i mean, seriously. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: having a mayor weiner would be hilarious, just having the sign at the airport would be great. i don't know why the family would stick with the name weiner, but they do. and in light of this, some of them have banded together to let everyone know they have had enough of this. >> i am a weiner.
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>> i'm a hard-working weiner. >> my father was a weiner, and his father was a weiner. >> long line of weiners. >> my kids are weiners, good weiners, tired of juvenile jokes. we don't deserve to be mocked just because we're named weiner. >> or wang, harry wang. >> amanda. >> it is not funny. >> wan to do ya. >> kareen a jeans? don't laugh at poor kareem a jeans. it is time for a change with the weiner jokes, we're weiners, and weiners are people, too! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: something to think about anyway. when we come back we're going to play a game that could possibly make some married couples very mad at each other. so that will be fun. and johnny knoxville, and queens
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of the stone age tonight, and logan lerman. when it comes to being better, what's better, being better or worse? better! better! better! better! abc's jimmy kimmel live, brought to you by at&t. ok. let's see what you got. knock knock. who's there? queen... queen who? queen my dishes please. clean! it's queen to make it funny. he doesn't get it. [ male announcer ] it's not complicated. better is better. and at&t is the nation's fastest, and now most reliable 4g lte network. ♪ you choose two seasonal favorites starting at $10.99. like a blackened sirloin with the wedge salad or lemon shrimp fettuccine and... [ male announcer ] you had us at $10.99. really? fist bump. [ male announcer ] applebee's new take two menu. two seasonal favorites, one amazing plate. see you tomorrow.
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everything from ea sports madden nfl 25 video games, to brand new fiat 500s. what will you be served up this summer? ♪
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kar ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, johnny knoxville, logan lerman, and queens of the stone age will be here. i just thought of something, guillermo, you said you have no enemies. >> no, i don't think so. >> jimmy: you have none? even going through your life you have no enemies? >> no. >> jimmy: what about your mother-in-law? >> we're friends now. >> jimmy: oh, you are? >> yeah. >> jimmy: what happened? she got television now, and she is watching? >> no, she is taking care of my son. >> jimmy: oh, she is out of your house right now?
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>> yes. >> jimmy: okay, got it. we're going to try an experiment tonight. you know, i got married two weeks ago. and especially -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, good, he won't touch us. in light of this, it got me wondering how happy are people who are married? so what we've done tonight is corralled a bunch of married couples who were walking along hollywood boulevard. my cousin, sal, is there. sal, before we go any further, i want to warn you that guillermo's mother-in-law is staying with him tonight and will probably watch the show tonight when he returns home. so we should probably not talk about her -- >> is that the one he called the "c" word? >> jimmy: yeah, chalupa. so anyway, we have some couples there. and they don't know this yet.
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but we're going to ask each one of them individually to write down on a card how happily their marriage is on a scale of one to ten. and then we'll have to reveal their numbers at the same time. we'll see how they match up. so we put headphones on each couple, and were surprised by the question. let's meet our first couple now, shall we? maybe they should take off our headphones so they can hear me? hi, how are you? >> fine. >> jimmy: what is your name? >> kate? >> jimmy: and this is your husband? >> yes. >> jimmy: and how long have you guys been married? >> 11 wonderful years. >> jimmy: you on vacation right now? >> absolutely, jimmy. >> jimmy: and you have no idea why we're speaking to you right now, correct? >> correct. >> jimmy: okay, very good, you each have pens and cards, i want you to face each other so you want see what you're writing. i want you to write on a scale of one to ten, how happily are you married?
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10 is the happiest, and be honest here, i don't want any nonsense or i'm going to clear the whole street. ten is the happiest, one is the least happy. look at neil. but again, you don't -- do not harass him. and don't give him that eye, either. see, now that leads me to believe there is something bad going on. okay, i see what she wrote right there, all right, katey, you show us your ten first, either that or you wrote 0-1 down on your card. okay, neil, you wrote an 8, okay, interesting? and neil? reveal your number? [ cheers and applause ] >> nine, huh? >> jimmy: you know, neil wins,
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doesn't me. >> -- he? would you like to apologize to neil right now? >> no. >> jimmy: do you believe that if he was not harassed by you he would have written a different number down? >> no. >> jimmy: all right, so you're just confused in general. all right, move along, enjoy your vacation. please return your headphones to the bin. i like the idea that everyone has matching headphones. it is not so coordinated when i walk around on hollywood boulevard. when are your names? >> alina and derek. >> jimmy: and are you here on vacation? >> yes. >> jimmy: yes? any problems so far with the trip? >> yes. >> absolutely. >> jimmy: all right, now what i would like you to do, i hope you're not aware of what we're doing here, we would like you to use your pen and card and write on a scale of one to ten, how happily, and be honest, don't
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face each other so you can't see each other's cards. how happy are you married? ten being the happiest, one being the least happy? she is giving this a lot of thought and i appreciate that. i appreciate that you're giving a lot of thought. all right. okay. and please be honest, don't -- again, we're on television here, we must be honest. all right? go ahead and reveal your cards. let's see how happy on a scale -- oh [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right, get out of here you two. somebody honest. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right, let's -- bring the next couple in. all right, hello there. >> hello. >> jimmy: hi, what is your name? >> wayne. >> and tiffany. >> jimmy: wayne and tiffany, where are you from? >> mississippi. >> jimmy: okay, you're here on vacation? >> vacation. >> jimmy: how long have you been married.
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>> four years. >> jimmy: and how is it going so far? >> good, it will be better when the teenagers leave. >> jimmy: oh, it will be better with the teenagers -- how did you wind up with the teenagers? >> previous marriages. >> jimmy: all right, we have had some rocky moments in the past? >> absolutely. >> jimmy: all right, we're going to try to create another rocky moment. and please, i'm begging you, be honest. i know that this is an uncomfortable situation in some ways. but i would like you to write on the card on a scale of one to ten, how happily are you married? ten being happiest. and do not show each other the cards, just face each other so you can't see what you're writing. and again, please, an honest, very honest number is whatçwe're looking for here. okay? okay. >> oh no. >> jimmy: all righty, you ready? who wants to go first and reveal
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their card first? yes, go ahead and reveal. a seven? okay. all right. i see your seven and raise you or -- an eight? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right, thank you for being at least semi-honest, but i think what we've learned here is that men are either happier or liars. well, thank you to all of our participants. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: but what the hell, you know, we have a good show tonight. from the new movie, "percy jackson -- sea of monsters," logan lerman is here. [ cheers and applause ] and then a great band with music from this album, called "like clockwork,"
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the old water squirter trick. and from the new movie, and a great band with music from this
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album, called "like clockwork" queens of the stone age from the sony outdoor stage. tomorrow night, we have a little something for everyone with selena gomez, ben stein and music from palma violets. you know, selena and ben haven't seen each other since they broke up. our first guest is an actor, a bootlegger and the survivor of more blunt-force traumas than gary busey and a shopping cart combined. his new movie, "jackass presents -- bad grandpa" opens in theaters october 25th. please say hello to johnny knoxville. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you're soaking wet. you need a towel? >> man, i have never gotten more
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high fives in my life than sal -- >> jimmy: you know, this is your tenth time on the show, this is the time i would traditionally mop you. [ cheers and applause ] give you a good mopping. how is everything going? >> things are going great, but before we get started. i just want to thank you honestly for inviting me and my wife to your wedding. >> jimmy: oh, of course. >> i know -- we had a ball, literally it is the best wedding that i have ever been to. so thank you. >> jimmy: well, one of my top weddings, too. there you go. and thank you for not smashing anything at the wedding. that was nice. i was worried about the cake and the priest and everything. >> well, thank you for that smashing outfit you were wearing. i thought you were doing a gag. jimmy dresses up at the rehearsal dinner, and he looks
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like john travolta's stunt double. he was all dressed and white, and they were like are you playing god in a movie? >> jimmy: i wanted something to accentuate the barbecue sauce i got on myself afterwards. >> i wish i had a picture, but if we can go to google and look up that suit, that would be great. >> jimmy: that suit was a linen suit, first of all. and it is traditional when you're a virgin to wear white. >> i get it. >> jimmy: as i recall, i think you were wearing high tops to my wedding. so who are you to mock? hey, congratulations since you were last here, i like to say it to you on air, i said it off air, congratulations, you had a baby girl. when she comes out and she sees who her father is, i mean, that
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has got to be a moment, oh, no. no. no. >> crawl back in. yeah, she is a little angel, but in hindsight, i wish we would have had arlo first and the boy second, because rocco is 3 and a half, i don't know if he will make it to four. he is nuts, like honestly, he is nuts. >> jimmy: what a shock? >> but she looks up to him, so now i have two drunk midgets running around. >> jimmy: well, you have had that before. your uncles -- i mean, really, i heard you were taking sky diving lessons, seems like -- >> well, actually in a way it seems like a good thing. because in the past it seems like you wouldn't have taken a sky diving lesson, you would have just exited the plane. i think it is a step in the right direction. >> i guess. we were going to do it for the
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bad grandpa movie, we were going to take skydiving lessons, i was going to take a tandem jump, and jumps on my own. >> jimmy: did you like it? >> i hated it. hated it. it is one of those things when i do stunts, i don't like to be in control. no, but if i'm doing a stunt with a bull or a yak or a cheaply made rocket, i trust the bull's judgment better than mine. and when i'm sky diving, i'm in control. so you have an idiot flying the plane and i hate it. i -- yeah, it was really nerve racking. >> jimmy: i will say in general, you seem like you have levelled out a little bit. i mean, is that fair to say? >> well, i am in a pretty content place right now. so -- >> jimmy: why do you think that is? the family? >> spooning. >> jimmy: like spooning, like laying down with a person kind of thing spooning?
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>> i am a stage five spoon er, yes, i like spooning. it relaxes me. and focuses me. i actually tried to show your staff today the merits of spooning. >> jimmy: our staff here on the show? >> yeah. >> jimmy: oh, all right, how did that go? >> i think we have it on video. >> jimmy: oh, my goodness, well, we should probably watch that. >> hello, i'm johnny knoxville, and this is spooning. come on! >> johnny, i'm working on your segment right now. >> it will work, just make a little o-- create a canyon. >> all right. nice and tight, nice and tight. oh. >> we go together like a couple
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of spoons ♪ no matter the weather it is better together. the spoon in my bedroom ♪ we go together like a couple of spoons. ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> nothing fits better -- >> no, you're the big boy spoon and you're the little boy spoon ♪ and i'm still lucky pierre. i'm trying to get up, bro! i can't go -- wait a minute. >> i think my junk is on your shoulder. >> what? >> and let me gaze you, into your eyes ♪
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[ cheers and applause ] >> spoon, get their spoon -- ♪ >> what -- what is up? come on o-- [ cheers and applause ] >> come on, bro -- what, what, what, come here, come here -- >> don't go, don't go. i can't get out of this. i'm locked in. >> i knew that. do you see my predicament here? my pants have come down. >> can you guys shut the door? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: when we come back, johnny knoxville has got a great clip from his new movie,
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, we're back with johnny knoxville. he has a new movie coming out in october, but tonight, today you premiered the trailer, the world premiere of the trailer. i saw it and it is very, very funny.
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explain what the idea of this new movie is. >> well, it is a prank movie, and we have a loose narrative where i'm taking my grandson across the country to his father. but along the way we prank everyone as much as we can. >> jimmy: and you dress as an old man? >> i should mention that, i go through three hours of makeup. i'm taking my grandson, i am 86 years old. and i think in the clip we're going to show we prank a beauty pageant. and nobody knows what is going on. >> jimmy: this is one of those toddlers tiaras -- >> yes, and i enter my little grandson. >> want to have some fun? you're a pretty little girl, got it? >> my body lies over the ocean ♪ >> my body lies over the sea ♪
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[ noises ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: now, where do you get the kids? >> i o-- i did a movie with him in cleveland. when he was 7 years old. and he followed me everywhere just so he could verbally assault me and hit me in the zipper, i was like this is the meanest kid i have ever seen. i'm in love. >> jimmy: what is his name? >> his name is jackson nicole. actually, he met my kids and he is so gentle and sweet with
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them. but he sees me and the crew, and his eyes are just like -- he starts attacking, and usually we'll work with little kids, when they prank adults they get terri terrified. but he doesn't care a bit! >> jimmy: his parents must be delighted. >> when we were shooting on the movie, i saw him go up to one of the crew members and take a swing at the zipper. and his father was like jackson, you can't do that to anyone except for knoxville. i'm like i'm standing right here, i totally heard that. >> jimmy: now the trailer, if anybody wants a sample of it? >> it is >> jimmy: opening october 26th. we'll be right back with logan
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: all right, still to come, >> jimmy: our next guest started acting professionally at age 5. you have to nowadays or you'll never catch up. his new movie, "percy jackson -- sea of monsters," opens in theaters a week from tonight. please say hello to logan lerman. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you look like my son. >> really? well, i mean -- >> jimmy: yeah, we're similarly dressed. we probably should have talked about it beforehand. nice to see you, you even have a little fan club. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, they're very excited. >> thank you, guys for having me
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here -- >> jimmy: you're from l.a., right? >> i am from l.a. >> jimmy: the reason i know this, what does your dad do for a living, tell us? >> my dad, we're pretty much in orthotics and prosthetics. >> jimmy: they make like inserts for shoes. >> yeah, that is his work -- that is my grandfather. >> jimmy: that is your grandfather? i have to say i have never seen a woman happier to have what appears to be -- a screw being driven into her brain. >> well, you know, he is the good guy, if anybody is going to do it. >> jimmy: that is pretty great. since 1915. were you pressured to get into the prosthetic business? >> no, i wasn't pressured at all. i was acting so young. i think they definitely wanted me to. i am sure they did. >> jimmy: it is comforting to know, that if they took your
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legs, probably for free, you would get it at least cost. >> i think they would charge me -- >> jimmy: that must have been great at halloween, you had had all of these cool things around. >> or for school projects. >> jimmy: did they use you as guinea pigs for the -- >> well, i would use it for a school report, like how about i bring a character in? i remember my dad once wrapped me in plaster pretty much, when i was like nine, he gave me like a straw, a regular straw -- to drink soda with. had to breathe out of it. and did like a two-hour thing where he was like wrapping me in wet plaster, whatever it was. and they cut me open. >> jimmy: they could have o-- ad then make a mold of you, and like an army of his sons -- >> pretty much, he did like a mold of me and drilled me, cut me open, power sawed me open.
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put it together. i put a hat on him, a shirt, and said here is the character. >> jimmy: wow, did you get an a? >> i did get an a. they were like we don't know what to do with this. this is not a book report. >> jimmy: this percy jackson is a popular series of books. >> yeah, it is pretty popular. some people like it. >> jimmy: and now there is a second movie that people -- and you play percy jackson? >> i do, yes. >> jimmy: one of of the jackson family? >> yeah, yeah, he -- >> jimmy: he finds out he is one of the jackson family -- but percy jackson is like a half human, half -- >> he is a demi-god, or -- he is a kid who finds out he is the son of poseidon, a big adventure film in the modern day. >> jimmy: and was it a lot of
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fun to do this, or were you now jaded? >> no, it is a lot of fun these are huge adventure films. you get to be on wires and play swords all day, fight monsters. it is fun a good time. >> jimmy: pretending fighting a monster sounds fun but really fighting one would be horrible. >> and i would be the worst guy for it. >> jimmy: are you a fighting in genera general. >> you know, i have been fighting a little lately for a karate movie, with the teacher. the director is really into karate, and we were prepped that he might come out of nowhere one day, just show up wherever you are and want to beat the heck out of you. >> jimmy: really? seems like an hr violation. >> it is, but the thing is, you know, if you tell, then you're -- >> jimmy: so you are a wimp, now you have to be prepared to fight the guy who hired you. and if you beat him up, what happens? >> if i beat him up?
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no, he will beat me up immediately. my trick is to go just straight for the balls. >> jimmy: then i need to introduce you to johnny knoxville. well, very nice to meet you and congratulations. >> thank you very much. >> jimmy: percy jackson, "sea of monsters" opening the 7th. we'll be right back with the queens of the stone age. >> the jimmy kimmel live concert series is brought to you by sony.
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>> the jimmy kimmel live concert series is brought to you by sony. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: their new album is called "like clockwork." here with the song, "my god is the sun," queens of the stone age. [ cheers and applause ]
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♪ far beyond the desert road where everything hangs off so good the empty space ♪ ♪ and to erase forgive forgot ♪ ♪ healing like fire from a gun kneeling my god is the sun ♪ ♪ heal them with fire from above kneeling my god is the sun ♪ ♪ ooh ooh ooh ♪
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♪ i don't know what time it was i don't wear a watch ♪ ♪ so good to be an ant who crawls atop a spinning rock ♪ ♪ healing like fire from a gun kneeling my god is the sun ♪ ♪ heal them with fire from above
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kneeling my god is the sun ♪ ♪ ooh ♪ healing like fire from above kneeling my god is the sun ♪ ♪ healing kneeling godless heathens ♪


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