tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC September 16, 2013 11:35pm-12:36am PDT
night tonight at abc. it's a night of much pageantry and celebration as dancing with the stars returns for a 17th season. this is a show that finally answers the question what would bill nye the science guy look like in dance pants. he looks ridiculous. competing are amber riley from glee, elizabeth berkley and snooki. i have always wanted to see a dancing fire hydrant. this is is a big deal for snooki. this will be the first time she has ever danced sober. no one got cut tonight and there will not be a show tomorrow night. they are doing it once a week this year. last year it was one show a week. my hope is that they will
whittle it down to a text message that said people danced. before i see a single dancer dance, i bet $1,000 on one of them to win. you can bet on this stuff for real. i have been doing this for years now. i am much more successful with dancing than i am betting with football. should i go through my picks? first time i did this, i picked the winner. the next season i chose kristy. she won. then i picked lance bass. i picked the second place. i then chose donny osmond. i then picked erin andrews. i picked jennifer grey. i chose heinz ward. i picked david arquette. and last season i picked the second place. six winners. only one time in 11 seasons did
my pick come in lower than third. that's why they call me nostre danctres. and now it's time to make my prediction. earlier today i wrote a dancer's name and i folded it up and stuffed it inside a briefcase and then i stuffed the briefcase inside our security guard's mouth. that's right, guillermo. gee ra guiller guillermo, reveal my selection. and the winner of season 17 will be -- >> amber riley. >> amber riley! if she doesn'tly be furious for about five minutes and thenally forget about it. go get em, amber.
do it for glee. do it for me. paula dean was rumored to be one of the stars they tried to get to dance. over the weekend, paula made her first public appearance since she went into hiding. i knew eventually she would have to come outd f for butter somet. she held a cooking demonstration. some of whom paid $400 a ticket. even putting the racist stuff aside, who pays $400 to watch a woman eat crisco straight from the can? and it wasn't just white people, ether. >> the one place that i would want to make my first step back out was texas. [ applause ]
years of almond joy, y'all. >> seriously she told the crowd that the controversy taught her a lot about herself and her business and promised that from now on the only n-word she will use from now on is nutmeg. >> on saturday night, floyd mayweather jr. faced another undefeated fighter. sometimes these big name fighters have celebrity friends. floyd came out of the tunnel with lil wayne rapping live and another major music star, too, who you will see, too. and yes, that is justin bieber with floyd mayweather looking confused. it looked like floyd brought his nephew to six flags and had to convince him to ride the roller coaster for the first time. the celebrities in a boxer's
en entorage should have to fight the members in the opponent's entourage. wouldn't that be great? for some reason, they worked e baboons into the festival. when a local reporter showed up, she almost instantly made a new friend. >> we're in lodi and i am being joined by mickey the baboon. he is trying to cop a feel a little bit. we will be talking about the grape festival that is happening -- starting later today. >> it ain't just grapes they love. the grope festival. >> we are not so different from
baboons. there is is a pizza restaurant that has stirred up controversy. they are giving free pizza to women. >> drew's pizzaria is in a college town. free food for women who would flash their braeasts. the post has been removed, but a worker says they are still offering free pizza. >> if someone comes in and says i'm drunk if i flash you can i get a pizza? sure, why not? it makes everyone happy. >> the owner says he has never seen his employees happier and they are never late to work. >> that's a win win. the old barter system. [ applause ] >> so if i could get back to dancing with the stars. the finale was tonight. what did i just say? no, the finale was tonight. but we told people that the
finale was tonight. the beginning was tonight. we do this from time to time. we thought it would be fun to test some unsuspecting pedestrians. we asked people on hollywood boulevard, did you see the finale of dancing with the stars? no finale tonight. the answer should have been i couldn't watch it because it didn't happen. as we discover over and over, people are more than willing to lie on tv. so here is another edition of lie witness news. >> what did you think of the finale of dancing with the stars last nigtd. >> i am standing trying to do the moves, too. and i liked it. i loved it. >> where did you watch it last night? >> at home. >> with anyone? >> with my girlfriend. easy night at home. indoors. >> good. well honesty is the key to any
relationship. >> yeah. >> how do you think bill nye's el electric slide was? >> i thought it was adorable. not dorky, but cute. >> what did you think of the scandalous outfit. >> that was surprising. you got to entertain, so. >> lea dancing without her shirt on for her final number. tasteless or artistic. >> i think tasteless. >> where were you when you watched it? >> i was just at home and i happened to see it. >> do you think the twerking number was sexy? >> yeah, it was. it was hot. how they choreographed that together. it blew me away, kind of. >> do you wish peter was fighting? >> yes. >> how do you think jimmy kimmel did last night? >> he did pretty well. he was not the best one. >> why not?
>> i don't know. he was not much natural in the movement. >> how did jimmy kimmel do? >> jimmy kimmel? i'm not really a fan of his but he did all right. he survived. i'll give him, one out of ten, i would give him an eight. >> how would you describe snooki's style? >> it's just snooki style. it's daring. it's dazzling. a little catchy and edgy. >> can you do the chicken thing that she does with her arm? >> no, i haven't really seen it. >> so you're just lying to us? >> yes. >> all right, you know what? you get honesty at the end. we have got to take a break. when we come back i will give you a full break down of last night's miss america contest. we've also got andy samberg, malin akerman, and music from laura mvula.
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♪ i love you more than ever, girl, i do ♪ ♪ >> i would -- guillermo, did you celebrate mexican independence day today? >> no. on the weekend. >> huh? >> on sunday. >> you were in line at a taco stand today and you tweeted that they were 50 cents. >> yes, because of mexico's independence the tacos were 50 cents. >> okay. i want to read an e-mail you sent to me today. you said i think we should do a
shoot. jimmy learn to dance zumba. i think might be funny. jimmy dancing with beyonce, rihanna, charlize theron. signed guillermo. good thing you signed it. can you explain it? >> i think you need dancing lessons. >> why you think that? >> that's not your strong -- a strong -- >> you are saying this was constructive criticism? >> a little bit. >> a little bit. and you wanted to get those women into outfits, right? >> that would be great. >> is zumba even a dance. >> dance, exercise. >> how do you know so much about zumba? >> because when i'm going home,
and i drive, there is is a place right there where they teach zumba. >> and you look in there? >> yeah. it's a lot of beautiful women. and i was thinking jimmy kimmel should be doing that. >> uh-huh. we got our own little peeping thomas. we'll be all right. we don't need any dancers on here. the miss america pageant took place in atlantic city. it is the annual sequel to toddlers and tiaras. it selects our entrant into the miss universe pageant and also to select fox news anchors. one of them said you know the west minister dog show? let's do that with girls. and a tradition was born. i actually enjoy watching the pageant. it's fun to watch 52 women who
haven't eaten in a week try to answer questions about legalizing marijuana and world peace. there were african-americans, indian americans, hispanic americans, tattooed contestant, disabled contestant. still no ugly contestants but all the other entries were represented. in the end, miss new york, nina davuluri won the crown. she seemed to have zoned out completely during the talent competition. >> miss new york! miss new york. miss new york, you are up. >> they don't know what state they're from. that's why you say new york, new york twice. the best part of the pageant is
the q & a. whomever preps them must be telling them to try very hard to use the words actually and truly. >> minorities still have disproportionately low incomes and disproportionately high unemployment and incarceration rates. what should our nation do to address this issue. >> i came from a home where my father is unemployed. it took a lot for me to be able to stand on this stage. i truly represent that middle class blue collar family that is working hard to make their kids be able to have all the opportunities in the world. so that comes from, we need to have more jobs. >> i'm sorry, your time is up, thank you very much. >> what kind of a question was that in the first place? miss florida, solve all the problems minorities face in this country. you have 30 seconds.
you can't expect these young beauty pageant contestants to have answers to the questions like this. if you want to solve america's problems, you need to consult someone who has been fighting for american justice for decades. you don't ask miss america, you ask captain america. tonight we brought our local hollywood boulevard captain america in and we asked him the same questions the pageant contestants were asked. it's time for the q & a portion of the captain america pageant. >> miley cyrus has called a media sensation with her twerking performance, appearing nude. what do you think? mi miley is expressing herself or what are you think? >> i don't really know what she was doing. i don't get what miley is doing. i don't care.
>> revealed that when she was starting out for career reasons, she had plastic surgery to make her eyes appear less asian. what message does this send to young women? >> thinking about it, maybe the girl, she was having complex about her eyes. look at michael jackson. he was a beautiful black guy and he start to do this craziness. and he was looking terrible. this is original. >> some political candidates wives have continued to support their husbands through scandals. are these wives carrying standby your man too far? >> i will never take a picture of my penis. yeah. i am messy. you can go to hell for that.
>> obvious, captain america. he didn't say which america he was captain of. tonight on the show, malin akerman is here. we have music from laura mvula. and we'll be right back with a nice young man named andy samberg. >> portions of jimmy kimmel live are brought to you by listerine, power to your mouth. tune in thursday when it makes a splash on jimmy kimmel live. ♪ any any any ♪ five ♪ $5 ♪ $5 footlong [ male announcer ] footlong nation rejoice! right now at subway, any regular footlong is a $5 footlong, all subtember long! like the turkey breast, meatball marinara
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jimmy: tonight on the program, her new show "trophy wife" premieres next tuesday night here on abc, malin ackerman is with us. and then with music from her debut album called "sing to the moon", laura mvula from the sony stage. tomorrow night, two very funny people will be here, amy poehler and stephen merchant, and we'll have music from bastille. and later this week, from breaking bad, aaron paul, from "homeland" morena baccarin, james caan will be here, and we'll have music from jim james and grouplove. so join us for those shows, too. over seven seasons as an emmy-winning writer and
performer on saturday night live, our first guest brought us lazy sundays, cats with lasers and packaged private parts. now he is detective jake peralta on "brooklyn nine-nine" which premieres at 8:30 tomorrow night on fox, please welcome andy samberg. [ cheers and applause ] >> how you doing? it's good to see you. >> you got to sit simultaneous. >> you have to. i think it's okay for the guest to sit first. but it's weird and sometimes i'm standing here forever. >> you're always thinking about hosting. >> always thinking about others. >> do you hate throwing parties? >> i never sit. no, i like it. did you celebrate the jewish holidays -- i guess it's not really a party. >> it's like the opposite of a
party. >> what exactly is it? >> it's one of the many jewish holidays where you talk about how bad it was and then you drink wine and eat. i actually do do the fast. and my sister was in town with her family so we all fasted together. >> oh. >> and i always forget about fasting that it's the worst. you know? you're like i'm going to fast. it's going to be good and my mom's going to been b happy. and in the middle of the day you're like i'm hungry. this sucks. >> we do that on good friday, also, and it's really only because of my mother to make her happy or not mad. not even happy, but not mad is the key. and my dad complains from morning like oh yeah, i smell the neighbors they're barbeqcu g barbecuing. all day he's complaining. >> must be nice.
>> and traditionally at midnight, like around like 11:36, i will start boiling a pot of spaghetti and we will eat like 8,000 calories at 12:01. >> you engorge because your body is mad at you. >> i can't imagine this is what jesus had in mind. >> nor jewsus. >> nor jewsus. are you like a religious person? >> you know, actually, i actually was give an choice when i was at the age of 13, my dad who was the coach of the soccer team i was on was like it's saturday so you could do a bar mits va or keep playing soccer. i'm not going to say which i think you should do. he's like holding a soccer ball. so, i ended up just playing soccer. >> you did?
your parent s got off cheap. do you think it was a fip shnan thing? >> i think he was really into youth soccer. but it balanced out because i ended up having a quincera. it was crazy. >> your parents were hippies? >> yeah. they were both from new york but they moved out to the bay. >> were you a hippy, too? you seem to be the opposite of a hippy. >> i am in a wonder boy look right now. i go into berkley high school, i went through a phase. i had really long hair for a while and then i got lazy and let it dread lock a little bit. >> really? >> yeah. and i never wanted anyone to know about it because it was gross. >> did you do this for some element to this? >> no. it was pure laziness. for a while, my hair was down to
here and everyone said i looked like the freshman from dazed and confused. >> awill all hair dread lock if you let it go? >> my hair is just thick enough. i would twist it. >> i feel like mine, nothing would happen, i would just look like a bum. >> like a long haired guy. >> yeah. >> like be in a band. >> like the romantics. good reference. pretty hot reference. >> i tried to blow right past that one. >> i would like to see a picture of a romantics album. >> you and i are both romantic. >> you got engaged. congratulations. >> thank you. that was not actually why i said that. >> you were coming on to me? >> yeah. >> do you know when you're going to get married? are you ready for this? >> we're going to do it. it's happening. actually not to like turn it back on you but i heard you lost
your wedding ring? >> oh yeah, i did lose it. i still don't have it. >> and i also heard that you boug bought your wedding ring at costco? >> i did. i know people think i'm joking but i bought it at costco.com. >> they really sell wedding rings? they have everything. >> i'm going to be buried in a costco casket. >> did your wife find the ring to be romantic? >> i don't have a wife i just wanted a wedding. i don't think she cared that much. she bought me my wedding ring. i think she was like really? i will buy you a nice ring and i was like look at this ring it's nice. good thing, because i lost it. >> i just imagine you like doing romantic things. >> i would have gotten married
at costco if that was an option. >> i was going to say have some free sample hors d'oeuvres, everyone, there will be romantic ice skating in the freezer. >> they have the foam mattresses you can consummate the marriage. do you have the rings yet? >> yeah. >> you have rings already? >> we went classy. we didn't do costco. we went to bed bath and beyond. >> jimmy: andy samberg! "brooklyn nine-nine" premieres tomorrow night at 8:30/7:30 central on fox. >> power to your mouth with listerine. tune in this thursday when they will make a splash on jimmy kimmel live. the concert series is brought to you by sony. ♪
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>> and an idiot. >> he is good at the job, bad at life. >> you have a great cast there. >> yeah, it's great. >> terry cruise is an action star. hilarious guy. and my friend from elementary school, totally kwoico-incident. she is really funny and we happened to have gone to elementary school together. >> and the idea is you play this cop who is -- a detective, i'm sorry. who likes to fool around. >> yeah. >> and you get a new captain. >> yeah. new captain. he is coming into our precinct. we're a good precinct but he
wants us to be the best and i am very re'tsistant to hard work. i like solving cases my way. >> based on hunches. >> the show is not shot in brooklyn. it's set there. you shoot it out here in la? >> yes, because one of our creators also runs parks and recreation, so he is splitting time between the two shows. so we have to be on right after parks shoots. but it's cool for me because i was a pa on spin city on the same lot. i twuz writer's pa. >> that is great. so do you see any of the same people that you saw? >> yeah, some of the security guards and stuff it's cool. >> do they remember you from those days? >> i have a better car now. other than that they're like yeah. it's teeth guy! >> that's nice.
that's all right. >> i can't believe they remember that nickname. >> did you have any trouble with celebrities while you were a pa? >> everyone was really nice. i was on spin city when it was charlie sheen. >> yeah, michael j. fox is kind of an a-hole. that's a joke. >> everyone was like no, he's the nicest. >> no, she the nicest man in the world. but charlie sheen is insane. >> he was great. he was always very kind and i'm thinking now i'm starring in a show on the same lot, you know, and he was the star of that show so all that's really left for me is to have a complete melt down, get fired, freak out, have a roast, and then get a new show and be totally fine. >> you know, we need to get you on drugs. >> yeah, yeah. if anyone out there has drugs, jimmy thinks i should get on them. >> he has a new show.
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jimmy: our next guest is one of the finest swedish-canadian actresses anywhere. and believe me, i've seen them all. her new show, called "trophy wife", premieres at 9:30 next tuesday september 24th here on abc. please welcome malin akerman. first i want to say congratulations. you won an emmy? >> i did. i won't take full credit for it.
i'll only take 95% credit. >> what category did you win in? >> it's a short form category but the name of the category is 12 words long. >> gotcha. >> it's not cool enough for the prime times. >> and you had a baby what? five months ago? >> yeah. >> congratulations. >> yeah, yeah. a baby boy. >> and right now i'm sure what is going through the heads of many, many women is hatred. >> okay. i can take that. >> how quickly did you get back in shape from the baby? >> you know, it took a lot of hard work. i wish there was a magic pill that you could pop. it'sed exercise and diet. >> i hate to hear that. >> when you get pregnant one day you will get it right. >> what did you name your son? >> we named him sebastian. which i think is a pretty sexy
name. i am thinking about him for college. oh, there goes sebastian. i would like that name. we had a lot of back and forth because my husband is italian. like straight off the boat italian. not speak a word of english. >> where is he from? >> naples. >> there is a lot of languages involved so names have to work in each language. so my husband suggested -- not that there is anything wrong with it. maybe somebody is named this. alejandro. i said you know what? it feels wrong to name our son that reminds me of a lady gaga song. and he said milo to his mom who only speaks italian.
and we got sebastian. >> has the italian family, they are in italy. have they come over and terrorized you? >> they are coming at christmas. >> they are? >> yeah yeah. when they come, they come. god, that comes out so wrong. they come in kind of, you know, they make sure that their presence remains. they stay for 40 days. uh-huh. >> the advent calendar, huh? you open a door and there is grandma. >> we get a head start, too. >> that's going to be something. what about your family. are they helping you with the baby? >> not really. no. everyone is split up because my mom and father are in sweden now. my mom came and helped. >> she did? >> yeah. she came when he was a month old and stayed for ten days which
was really nerve wracking. knowing for sure that you will get finger pointed. >> what did she tell you? what were her tips? >> she was great. she knew nothing. she was like i forgot everything. she held him like he was a porcelain doll. but the italians always have good advice. >> like what? >> wow. it always surrounds food. >> my grandmother fed my cousin sal a meat ball when he was like five months old. >> he ate the whole thing. >> and he didn't go pop for four days. >> no, no, yes he did. >> okay. i will remember that. when you have a baby you talk about pop constantly. >> i do it anyway. i don't even have a baby. >> that's interesting. i got to talk to your wife about that. they just said we have a little -- this is totally tmi.
he was a little constipated. the italians have great advice. you take a piece of parsley, you dip it in olive oil and titillate his little butt and he will go poop. we didn't end up trying that. >> why parsley specifically? it is a weird combination of rachel ray and dr. oz. wow. don't allow them to come out for christmas. yeah. be careful what you serve. wow. >> yeah. >> your new show is called "trophy wife". >> yes. >> and it's very funny. you play a woman who is married to a man who has been married twice before. >> and he has three -- did you want me to continue this?
two exwives and three kids. so now i'm all the sudden the instant mom. the thing about the trophy wife when i first saw the title of the show, i thought i'm not going to play a trophy wife and then i saw the script and it was really funny. she wants to be there for the right reasons. she loves him but wants to be a mom to the kids. >> will she dip parsley in olive oil at any point? >> you never know. >> it's great to see you. the show again is called "trophy wife." the premier is not tomorrow but next thursday, september 24. we will be right back. >> the jimmy kimmel live concert series is brought to you by sony.
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♪ i will never be what you want and that's alright cause my skin ain't light and my ♪ ♪ body ain't tight and that's alright but if i might i'ma stand and fight ♪ ♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh mmm-mmm ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪ ♪ i will never be what you want and that's alright i'll play my own damn tune shine like the moon and ♪ ♪ very soon i'll soon fly over you and whatcha gonna do when i fly over you
tell me who made you ♪ ♪ the centre of the universe who made you he centre of the universe who made you the centre of the ♪ ♪ universe who made you the centre of the universe and every morning when i wake up i pray for you ♪ ♪ then i pray for me that soon you'll see how love can be our love will set you free what's it gonna be i ♪ ♪ see the beauty in your eyes tell me who made you the centre of the universe who made you judge and jury over ♪ ♪ me who made you the centre of the universe now leave me be who made you the centre of the universe don't need ♪
♪ no rules in my world who made you the centre of the universe i will never be what you want ♪ ♪ and that's alright cause my skin ain't light and my body ain't tight i will never be what you want and that's alright ♪ ♪ cause my skin ain't light and that's alright tell me who made you the centre of the universe ♪ ♪ who made you judge and jury over me who made you the centre of the universe now leave me be who made ♪ ♪ you the centre of the universe don't need no rules in my world who made you the centre ♪ of the universe ♪
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