tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC September 19, 2013 11:35pm-12:36am PDT
[ indiscernible ] >> jimmy: want to apologize for that. my agent is visiting me backstage. i dragged him out. then threw him over to guillermo. >> jimmy: what happened? >> i got a paper cut. >> jimmy: you did. from all right money in his pockets. thank you. those of you who are here on vacation, the reason my agent is here because other than oscar weekend, this is the biggest weekend of the year in l.a. the emmy award are on sunday. people in hollywood like getting award. we love it. the emmys is a magical night. the biggest stars in television get together to honor the guy from the big bang theory and others. american horror story, leads the pack this year with 17 nominations. you may be more familiar with "american horror story" by its other name "here comes honey boo
boo." game of thrones behind them. 16 nominations. a lot for a show, a competition to find out who can sleep with the most prostitutes before winter comes. a great show. and not sure if i will go to the emmys this year. supposed to present an award. i might be in line for the new iphone. iphone goes on sale at midnight. remember very important to get the new iphone soon as it comes out. if you don't, no one will ever love you. people are already lined up all over the country. every city there is a loon outside the apple store. once again, apple has revolutionized the way white people line up for things. they did do something clever though. a good idea. they have it set up in such a way. right after you get the 5s, you take two steps forward you will be in line for iphone 6. as soon as the the new iphone was announced.
a weird thing. my old iphone started begging for its life. kardashians are nominated for six emmys. not really. the kardashians no emmys. snubbed again. this is funny. you know how the kardashians insist their show is real not scripted. a real look at their lives. kim, khloe and kris posted pictures on instgram shooting the kardashian christmas episode. in september. that's why it is so hard to keep up with them. they're three months ahead of us. i tell you, i cannot wait to see it. i heard it is hilarious. all three sisters get their butts stuck in a chimney. and he comes home and he is pissed. while the kardashians may be figments of our imagination, i can assure you this is not. this is real video shot by airmen at the mcconnell air
force base near wichita. getting taser training. i guess as part of the certification course. they ask for a volunteer to get shocked with the taser. and in this case, a very bold female recruit stepped up to enjoy 50,000 volts of electricity. and this happened. >> taser, taser, taser. >> ow. ow. ow! [ bleep ] ow. >> jimmy: he is getting a purple heart for that. a purple something for that. this is -- a high ranking health official in amsterdam is taking a strong stance against sugar. a real name -- is head of the public health service there.
sugar is an addictive dangerous drug. regulated by the government. like alcohol and tobacco. and if a health official in amsterdam says, a substance is addictive, dangerous. it probably is. he put out a press release. sugar is the most dangerous drug of all time. he is concerned. for some reason people can't stop eating sugary treats. i wonder why that is? he wants to put warning labels -- like a pint of -- calm down you, stoners. wants to put warning labels like the ones you will see on cigarettes on food and drinks to warn people about daen jengers sugar. this is coming from the place where you can get pot and a hooker in your happy meal if you want. i mean i no sugar isn't good for you. can you call it a dangerous drugs? in the netherlands people do.
you can see it in their popular tv shows the. >> this is -- >> actually just basic chemistry. >> your new lab. ♪ >> do you believe that there is a hell? >> we're pretty much going there. >> "baking bad" coming this fall to the netherlands. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: breaking bad. here in america. this is ridiculous. a brazilian agri group launched a cyberback attack. instead of hacking the nsa, they accidentally hacked nasa. and, and, nasa, that's why brazilian hackers never win" wgs wheel of fortune." i didn't know brazil had hackers. you know what i thought a
brazilian hack was something you got in the back room at a nail salon. [ drum roll ] [ cheers and applause ] in other international news, last week russian president vad vladamir putin wrote an opinion piece published in "the new york times," a letter directed at the american people. in response, senator john mccain wrote his own op-ed, published on a russian news website. the piece "russians deserve better than put spin" he really called putin out, exposed him for the thug he is. you have to give him credit. he dissed the russian president so hard. there is spk laeculation he maye collaborated with kendrick lamar. mccain intended for it to be published in "pravdo" instead it was published on the website pravda.ru, no affiliation with the newspaper at all and appears the letter went through a
government filter before it was posted. which i guess isn't surprising for a country that still doesn't hat have freedom of the press. what was surprising was the tone of the translation, almost seemed friendly which is not how it was intended. vladamir putin is very sexy man and very strong like bear or bull. if i were lady, i would sex him. i am not lady. therefore, i envious his muscles and strong eyes, but not in gay way putin is hero. signature, you know, i some times take our freedom of speech for granted here in the united states. the fourth u.s. circuit court of appeals made an interesting decision about facebook. they said that liking something on facebook is considered free speech and is therefore protected under the first amendment. the case went to court, because a former deputy sheriff in virginia sclaclaimed he was fir for liking the face book page of the candidate running against his boss for sheriff.
the real takeaway is do not face book friend your boss under any circumstances. i happen to agree with the decision. whenever the constitution is involved in a news story or issue like this. i wonder how much people actually understand it. we had a little fun today. we asked people on hollywood boulevard what they thought of the story. then we followed that with a little pop quiz. the question do you agree with the court decision liking on facebook is protected under the first amendment. then we asked what is the first amendment? and let's find out how america did. do you agree with the u.s. appeals court's decision that liking on took is protected by the first amendment? >> yes. >> what's the first amendment? >> i don't know. i don't know. what is it? >> do you agree with the u.s. appeals court's decision that liking on facebook is protected by the first amendment? >> yes. >> absolutely. >> what's the first amendment?
>> ha-ha. we shouldn't have done this. >> what's the first amendment? >> what for the, for your rights, right? yeah, for rights. for your rights for -- just to have rights, i guess. >> take a stab at it. >> take a stab at the first amendment. do you know the first amendment? really? i have no clue. >> what is the first amendment? >> wow, i am not in a history class. shot in the dark. the right to vote probably. >> take another shot in the dark. >> another shot in the dark. >> the right to privacy. >> what is the first amendment? >> i know it know it freedom of speech or anything like that.
i have to go back and look at that. i can't answer that intelligently right now. >> can you tell me? >> freedom of -- >> of life. >> freedom of -- >> of the world. >> freedom of -- >> america. >> freedom of -- um our rights. >> you are doing it right now? >> freedom of -- >> speech! right? whoo! ♪ [ applause ] >> jimmy:
whoo indeed. all right. we'll take a break. when we come back we have this week in unnecessary censorship, james caan, morena baccarin, and music from grouplove.
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>> jimmy: tonight on the show from "homeland" morena baccarin is here. we have two big free concerts next week the may want to be part. monday, shutting down hollywood boulevard for paul mccartney. tuesday, do the same for justin timberlake. paul mccartney, and justin timberlake. my childhood bedroom poster and current bedroom poster. usually the only thing that shuts hollywood boulevard down is when a sponge bob is killed. this is a nice change of pace for us. you know as soon as we announce concerts. people started complaining about the traffic. which is crazy, you know they
shut the street down like three times a week, for, like the expendables two. why would people complain. i am sorry, our free concert is with paul mccartney and justin timberlake means it will take you extra three minutes to get to trader joe's next week. sorry you will have to go out without wetzel's pretzels for an hour. not like shutting it for savage garden. it's paul freaking ho complaining. and look at is this way you can cancel dinner next week with the person you didn't want to see. blame it on the traffic jam i caused. you are welcome. this is -- this is, i think, notable. the ceo of starbuck's howard schultz made an appeal to customers. he asked people not to bring guns into starbuck's any more. i guess when you are demanding $5 for something people used to
get for free at work, you don't want them to be armed. but how is this a problem. who brings a gun into starbuck's? what are they protecting themselves against, sheryl c spech crowec.d.s. schultz says it is making customers uncomfortable. they're politely asking people not to bring the guns in. which means coffee drinkers with guns need to find a new place to go. fortunately, there is a new chain that's catering specifically to them. >> screw starbuck's. bring them firearms to cafe guns in your face. we serve coffee and uphold your rights to bear arms. if it is shoots, bring it. early bird specials for seniors packing heat. hell, we don't care if you are in your skivvies. at cafe guns in your face.
right off the 27 in lubbock. bathrooms for paying customers only. now serving muffins. [ cheers and applause ] thursday night, it is time for our weekly tribute to the fcc where we bleep and blur things whether they need it or not. this week in unnecessary censorship. >> bern keep streanke stressed y faces obstacles and a [ bleep ] [ bleep ] showdown. >> the first time peyton and eli have [ bleep ] each other since july. >> i don't know who [ bleep ]. >> liam's rumored new squeeze [ bleep ] miley. >> check it out, miley's [ bleep ]. >> i was nervous it is hard to [ bleep ] you, good looking, latino, sexy. >> if i've didn't know any better i would think they are [ bleep ], just what i'm saying. >> because what feel [ bleep ] do is they make deposits in you.
>> also [ bleep ] it or not, you never know when that may upset your stomach. >> five contestants will be given a question, and each judge will [ bleep ] them in order. >> men with smaller testicles perhaps were better [ bleep ]. what in the world is going on with this. ♪ show me >> michael says men used to [ bleep ] him on the streets and now little old lady [ bleep ] him in the grocery store. >> first, be honest, when is the last tomb you [ bleep ] a pillow? >> never. >> when i was a little boy some times when i got angry i would [ bleep ] my sister. >> jimmy: oh. tonight, from "homeland" morena baccarin is here. we have music from grouplove, and we'll be right back with james caan.
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"homeland." season three of "homeland" which returns to showtime september 29th. morena baccarin is here. and then with music from their brand-new album called "spreading rumours," grouplove from the sony outdoor stage. by the way, we have a number of wonderful things planned for you next week. on monday, sir paul mccartney will be here to chat and play a huge free concert out on hollywood boulevard. and on tuesday justin timberlake will be here to do the exact same thing. different songs but you can get sikhs for that at jkltickets.com on the internet and also we'll be joined by patrick dempsey, jon hamm, rebel wilson, anthony bourdain, hailee steinfeld, avril lavigne, sons of the sea and dave salmoni will be here with wild and unpredictable animals, which happens to be my least favorite thing. our first guest took the long way here because he doesn't like toll booths. he is a great and legendary actor whom you know from "the godfather" and "misery" and "elf" among others, and he has a new show here on
abc. it's called "back in the game." it premieres wednesday night at 8:30. please welcome james caan. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right. >> okay. thank you. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: a lady in the audience here tonight told me during the commercial she is hoping to see a star tonight, and i told her that you would be here. so here he is. look at that. i'm going to ask you how you are doing and i want an honest
answer -- >> let me -- before you go, i came here to lie to you. >> jimmy: no lying tonight. let's be honest here. you spoke to our producer yesterday. we had a little phone call beforehand. you said to him -- he quoted you as saying when he said how are you doing, said f'ing terrible. i am tired. my body hurts. i know you want funny. i don't find anything funny anymore. is that true? >> yes. >> jimmy: not at all? no joy at all. >> first he is a rat stool pigeon. number one. [ laughter ] number two, he greeted me in your green room, not yours, but part of yours. >> jimmy: the show's -- >> he gave me something that looked like a dirty fireman's glove to eat and then another plate that looked like low tide at coney island. >> jimmy: not good. >> neither of which made me laugh.
but here's the problem with my body. you see this right here. >> jimmy: yeah, that's your finger. >> no, the only thing that doesn't hurt. >> jimmy: the only part of your body that doesn't hurt. >> it hurts. non-jewish activities. >> jimmy: you take anything? >> take anything. >> jimmy: like painkillers. >> a hammer. >> jimmy: are you done with fun? is the fun over? >> well, you know, depends on how many brain cells i lose or keep. i'm having a lot of fun. [ laughter ] so far here this is the best. >> jimmy: your son scott was here. he told us when he was thinking of doing "hawaii 5-0," you said, don't do tv. you won't like it. it gets boring. now here you are promoting a television show. >> can you find a better father? [ laughter ] no, no, no. scott was a whole different thing. scott is a very -- he writes a
lot. >> jimmy: oh, i see. you thought it wasn't right for him. >> right. right for him. the time. the time because he likes to be all over the place. >> jimmy: you think you made a mistake telling him? >> no, no, i can't speak for him. >> jimmy: it was a mistake. >> he, he -- yeah. he -- no, he's antsy. he's antsy. >> jimmy: yeah, uh-huh. all right. >> you know, like, there was always a stigma attached to it. which i this is wrong. i think it's nonsense, you know. >> jimmy: with television. yeah, because -- >> nonsense. so much better stuff on television than in the movies today. i told him, my idea, i do movies because you can be somebody else for, you know, three months. if you don't like yourself, that is especially good. >> jimmy: you move on. >> yeah, you can be anybody you want. being the same person every day. you know. >> jimmy: now you will be doing this on the show. >> it's great. it's great. but i didn't want to fizzle out
so you know whey mean? i wanted to crash and burn. that's the only way. i'm going to not be the left-hand corner of the hollywood squares. >> jimmy: what is it like with you on a set with young children? do you watch your language? >> no. >> jimmy: you do not. >> we are being honest. >> jimmy: yes, we are. yes. >> there is a little kitty that i filled up several times already. no, no. they're only there 20% of the time. so i only get wired, you know, like, 80%. rest of the time don't put a mike or anything on me. >> jimmy: they're not learning their first curse words from you. >> i am a life lesson. >> jimmy: you have had some life. >> what, am i dead? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you might as well be, right. >> anthony quinn. >> jimmy: i want to ask about this photograph. this looks like -- >> oh, my gosh. >> jimmy: i don't know what is going on here.
there is you and bill murray and benicio del toro and robert duvall. you seem to be, i don't know entertaining at a -- at a home for the -- >> for the what? >> jimmy: criminally ill. >> yes. >> jimmy: or what is going on there. what is going on there? >> i think each of us were in search of brain cells. murray is doing his lounge lizard act. >> jimmy: up-huh. he was singing. >> what's funny. we were invited to. in cuba. >> jimmy: this is in cuba. >> we were going to a party, you make me so nervous. >> jimmy: sorry. >> such a handsome guy. >> jimmy: i'm any just a man. you don't have to be intimidated. >> don't touch me. >> jimmy: i'm sorry. guillermo, get the car started. james caan is mad. >> we went down. we were going to do a movie and went under the guise of research. >> jimmy: have to have a reason.
>> a friend of mine had political pull. this was the intelligensia, something intelligent, if you translate it, which i couldn't do, it was the society of intelligence, which of course, this is intelligence. >> jimmy: he was not impressed? >> no, no, as a matter of fact, flying in on this plane to cuba. just full of liberals. no. i don't want to get into that. but i mean just full of them. and, bobby, who couldn't go, his wife would not let him go unless he was close to me, he couldn't go anywhere without being close to me because i was super jew or something. i don't know. so we're flying, and we're just about to land, the whole plane, and the only thing bobby said through the whole flight as we are landing, he goes, ha-ha, the land of opportunity. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: that's a nice impersonation. james caan is here, a new show called "back in the game."
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>> what am i doing? i am not your 10-year-old waitress anymore. get it yourself. >> would you close your eyes for a minute, please? >> no, last time i closed my eyes you farted on me. >> i am sitting down. close your eyes for a second. please. now what do you see? >> nothing. >> that's exactly what you pay here i you want to continue to live here, you will start being a little nicer to me. >> what its that noise? >> a raccoon got caught in the wall a couple weeks ago. probably not dead yet. >> okay. where is danny? >> who. >> jimmy: >> jimmy: james caan! "back in the game" premieres next wednesday at 8:30 on abc. do you have trouble staying within the confines of a family network show in general. >> in general? >> jimmy: specifically. >> we fry to bust out every time. the social club is the baseball
field where we meet all the people. but we are fryitrying to, destr abc pretty much. >> jimmy: i've been trying, keep failing. >> i think we will wind up at midnight. the show will come after yours. >> jimmy: what sorts of things have you attempted to get away with on the show? >> i mean. something one day. i mean, i dent knon't know itch could get away. came in. a sour face. what's with the face, you got a problem with your lady-gina? next time i said she-gina. you know? so, you give them three choices. they're not smart enough that they can turn them all down. they have she-gina in the movie. lady-gina. >> jimmy: sound like lady gaga's niece or something. >> we are having a great time.
we have the writers, the cohen brothers, not really the cohen brothers. it's the colon brothers, they pronounce it the cohen brothers. gets them lots of job. they're insane. >> jimmy: are they really? >> one, mark, is married. so he is more of the mature. the other one, they would say to people locked up. >> jimmy: why is that? what is he doing? >> what its he doing, he writes. >> jimmy: he is not like. >> he is the show writer. >> jimmy: excellent. so you are starting to have fun. >> i am having a lot of fun. >> jimmy: the moral to the story. >> laugh every day. >> jimmy: and god help the parent of the children on the show. >> yes, we don't allow them. >> jimmy: great to see you. good luck with the show. it is "back in the game." and james caan, everybody.
we'll be right back with morena baccarin. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel with a word about listerine brand mouthwash. nothing feels like listerine because nothing works like listerine. it penetrates layers deeper than any other mouthwashes, killing bacteria all the way down to the bottom layer leaving you with a clean and healthy mouth, like this. >> this mouth is a place for bacteria like us. so warm and so much food. >> i know. i find some spinach. >> it's dinner time. these are my favorite. >> i love peas. >> this guy loves peas too much. >> i know. oh, i hear some noise. >> i think it is water. he its getting ready to go to sleep. >> oh, no. toothbrush, no! ah!
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>> yeah, kind of hard to hide this. >> jimmy: any minute pregnant. >> almost didn't make it on the show. i was thinking i was going to go into labor. >> jimmy: if you should go into labor, i will run around screaming. and i'll be worthless. >> there has got to be a doctor in the audience. >> jimmy: are you going to come to the emmys sunday, you are nominated. >> that's the plan. that's the plan. >> jimmy: an exit strategy in case? >> my doctor is my plus one, it's all good. >> jimmy: is that true? >> he'll be waiting in the limo. >> jimmy: nechltil patrick harr delivering on stage. >> i would go and if i want into labor i would sit through it. no baby comes in 4 1/2, 5 hours. or 12 hours. i'm going to wait it out. cross my legs and hold it tight. and just, you know. >> jimmy: if you have to go to the hospital from the show will you dupe ro red carpet intervie the way to the hospital.
>> sure, why not? >> jimmy: that would be something. you have got to name the baby emmy if it should happen to come out on sunday night. >> without revealing the sex of my baby that would be a really gay baby. >> jimmy: that would be nice. i happen to love the show "homeland." >> thank you. thank you. >> jimmy: are you pregnant on the show? >> i'm not. they're hiding it on the show. really easy to hide this, right? >> jimmy: really. do you find like, do you have real fbi or cia agents come up to you and say they watch, do they watch the show? >> actually believe it or not we had our premiere in d.c. and got invited to go to the cia. i'm not supposed to tell anybody this, don't tell anybody. we want to the cia and had a tour, showed us around. tacked talked to agents. and they made it clear the show was entertaining, and good and fun. >> jimmy: they didn't feel like
it was how it really goes. >> what they do for a living is very serious. what we do for a living is, not so serious. so. >> jimmy: what they do is probably more boring. we are seeing, they're looking up files and doing research. >> or shooting people or doing undercover operations or, you know, boring stuff. >> jimmy: all sorts of crazy stuff going on. >> bipolar agent. probably not something that is on their roster. >> jimmy: you don't think they let bipolar people stay at athe agency. >> i guess it is possible. one thing that i thought was funny. while i was there, we all got a tour together. then a few of us got singled out. and the one whose were foreign nationals who weren't born in the united states couldn't go into the gift shop. >> jimmy: what? really? >> damian, myself, a few people are standing in the lobby. >> jimmy: you are a foreign national? >> i was born in brazil. >> jimmy: you are not an
american citizen? >> i am an american citizen. there was a glitch. they didn't realize i had a passport. >> jimmy: were they worried you would make off with the snow globes. why would they keep you out? >> i an not allowed to see the cia shot glasses. >> jimmy: cia gift shop. very strange rule. >> very strange. >> jimmy: will that be worked into the -- i haven't seen a gift shop on homeland. as far as i know there. is there anything you can tell us about the next season? will there be -- cia, coffee mugs, shot glasses. >> everything we bought there. it's, a really intense season like homeland is. a little darker this first episode. >> jimmy: darker than the last season. >> can you >> jimmy: okay. >> i have fun stuff with claire -- >> yeah. >> jimmy: like threesome type of stuff. >> a foursome, she's bipolar.
three other, yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, because you guys are -- well she's had an affair with your husband on the show. >> yes, exactly. we have a lot in common. you know? >> jimmy: you guys haven't really done much in the acting? >> you can imagine it is tense when we got together. not offscreen. on screen. prescription don't let this affect the baby. >> i will try not to. >> jimmy: good luck. i will keep an eye on you. shouldn't there be an ambulance outside or something. >> no, we're all good. >> jimmy: i don't feel look you are. we're going to have to call the guys at the cia. see if they can help out. >> just don't call the gift shop. they won't help me. >> jimmy: morena baccarin! the new season of "homeland" premieres sunday, september 29th at 10pm on showtime. when we come back music from grouplove.
and then i saw you there ♪ ♪ been working like a dog i turned all my dreams off ♪ ♪ i didn't know my name i didn't know my name ♪ ♪ i got a little bit longer i got a ways to go i got a little bit longer i got a ways to go ♪ ♪ i got a little bit longer i got a ways to go oh-oh whoa oh oh i got a ways to go ♪ ♪ even when i can't see my rear view even if i call just to hear you ♪ ♪ even when i sleep all day even when i sleep all day even if i wasn't like i'm times two ♪ ♪ living in the back of a bunk just like we do even when i dream all day don't wanna sleep ♪ ♪ tonight
you've got me feeling right i didn't know my ♪ ♪ name i didn't know my name i got a little bit longer ♪ ♪ i got a ways to go i got a little bit longer i got a ways to go oh i got a ♪ ♪ little bit longer i got a ways to go oh-oh whoa oh oh i got a ways to go ♪ ♪ even when i can't see my rear view even if i call just to hear you ♪ ♪ even when i sleep all day even when i sleep all day ♪ ♪ even if i wasn't like i'm times two living in the back ♪ ♪ of a bunk just like we do even when i dream all day even when i ♪ ♪ dream all day