tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC November 1, 2013 11:35pm-12:36am PDT
a wonderful program lined up for you tonight. my favorite band named after a vegetable is here tonight. and the cast of "modern family" is here with us. [ cheers and applause ] we didn't have room for the kids, too. our couch only holds five people so somebody is going to have to sit on my lap. the winter olympics are four months away from today but the olympic torch is already being run. after the official lighting ceremony in greece, the torch arrived in russia this weekend and it ran into a little snag. that's former world swimming champion. the wind blew it out.
which would never have happened if they had used the new olympic e-torch. i think if it blows out they would have to run it back to greece and start over. he got a light from a security guard. i love that a guy running with a global symbol of athleticism needed help from somebody with a cigarette lighter. what a proud day for smokers all over the world. this is an abc show on sunday nights. sometimes you are watching a show or sporting event and you see a little person pop up at the bottom of the screen pro moting another show. watch this. >> we need you to discuss the deal that you made with charming. >> you will have to be a bit more specific. >> he came to you searching for something powerful. >> that was a very rascally rabbit. i am pretty sure that is illegal. that might be sexual assault. do you watch the show duck dynasty on a & e? i have seen it -- it's a very popular show about a family that makes duck calls.
the robertson family. phil robertson, the patriarch of the family, he said an interesting thing. from time to time you will hear bleeps but phil says his family never curses. he says the bleeps are added by the editors to make it seem like they're using foul language. and he doesn't like that. i bet the ducks don't like the fake quacks either. phil is upset about it and wants a & e to stop the unnecessary bleeping and to hire an exterminator to kill the squirrels living in his beard. it's not fair to make it seem like someone is using profanity if they are not. they are now doing it in their promos. >> i don't have any feathers. >> don't you wish your boyfriend was hot like i am? >> [ bleep ]. >> duck dynasty. new season august 14th. >> it's not right. that's like the opposite of what my iphone does.
my iphone, you know how you try to text a curse word to someone and it corrects it to a non-curse word and then you get angry and you're like i'm a 45-year-old adult. i should be able to text the word nipple if i want to. i'm working on an app that turns everything into a curse word. i call it angry word. i will be selling it in the app store for $1,000, 000.99. on thursday, a 9-year-old boy went to the airport by himself, got through security, got on a flight to las vegas, flew to vegas without a ticket, id, or boarding pass. the crew got suspicious and called the police. the police went to his house. his parents told the officers they hadn't seen much of him today. and because the kid took a train to the airport, stole a bag off
the luggage carousel, went to a restaurant, ordered lunch, did not pay for the lunch, ate the lunch, then flew to vegas. it sounds like the plot to home alone 8 or something. a spokesman for the tsa said he thinks the boy would be able to get through security as a result of the government shut down and because a lot of the agents stand around talking about nothing when they are supposed to be checking. a spokesman for the airport said it is unclear why the boy was going to las vegas. he probably just learned about boobs and figured he would find some there. speaking of kids on the wrong side of the law. a new season of beyond scared straight premiered. this is a show where they find kids that are in trouble and they bring them to prison to have the inmates terrify them and hopefully they won't get in trouble any more. but some kids are tough.
like this 17-year-old kid named alex who knew exactly what these guys were up to. >> i'm alex. i'm 17. i have been charged with a hit and run. i smoke weed every day and i drink. >> can you imagine me in front of the inmates? they think i'm going to cry. >> i think you're going to cry. >> i'm not going to let them cry and be a little wussy. they already found a way to get to you. >> i would have cried when i got the haircut. i would not have waited until i got to prison. >> pay attention to the guy in the background. watch closely. this is tonight's edition of behind the news. >> extremely difficult for kyle bush to leapfrog those two drivers and he definitely has a
big task in the day ahead. >> fox news experienced a little snafu over the weekend. on saturday, on fox and friends, the hosts, they were talking about a government shut down and a world war ii memorial. pay attention to the co-host who reported a fake story that came from a comedy news website as if it was fact. >> the republican national committee is offering to keep it open so that the veterans will be able to go and see this because who does it honor? it honors them. we're going to talk a little later in the show about some things that are continuing to be funded. president obama has offered to pay out of his own pocket for the museum of muslim culture out of his own pocket yet the republican national committee is paying for this. >> obviously president obama did not offer to pay to fund the museum of muslim culture himself
but it got them so excited that they had to report it. the other story on that website is jesus christ boycotts hobby lobby. pretty sure he didn't. she tweeted a correction. she tweeted i just met with producers. i made a mistake about a museum possibly closing. my apologies. it won't happen again. i'm more upset that she think it's okay to say yday. but how gullible are producers at fox news? you have the number for the fox news desk? >> i would like you to leak a fake news story about president obama. >> okay. yeah. hello? this is fox news? i just saw the president obama urinated on the american flag. >> okay.
now let's see what happens. can you put fox news live up on the monitor. >> they are happy. they like obama care. you know why? because deductibles -- >> this is is a fox news alert. >> how about this. president barack obama has reportedly been caught urinating on the american flag. i'm speechless. >> first he shuts down the government and then he defiles it? >> this photo shop depicts what this defecation looked like. >> who is the source? are we sure it's reliable? >> who is this? rob? it's the president of mexico. next him ear clin -- next, him e >> are you still on with him? now you are off with them? is that phone even turned on? >> yeah. >> there is a notable lack of
horror movies this halloween season. normally in october there are a bunch of scary moves in the theaters, that's not the case. there is the remake of carrie coming out. that's bout it. if you want to be horrified this month you have to ask your parents about their sex life or something. i saw gravity on friday night. did you see gravity? it's not technically a horror movie but i have been waking up screaming for george clooney to never let me go. every night since i saw it. it is this horror thing. a missed opportunity on the part of the movie companies because horror films are such a big moneymaker this time of year. now that the playing field is open, some companies are adjusting their marketing campaigns to try to grab some of the potential audience. lix this. like this. >> this fall, flint and his friend are headed back to swallow falls. only this time -- it's no picnic. the devil has possessed the strawberry.
come out, come out wherever you are. >> cloudy with a chance of meat balls. >> all right. scary, right? we need to take a break. when we come back we have the latest edition of our popular news segment where we ask people questions while saying terrible things to them. it's fun. plus the cast of modern family and korn its here too. so don't go far. [ applause ] ♪ [ female announcer ] in the moments that matter most... when you expect more from yourself... ♪
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>> welcome back. the cast of modern family and corn are backstage right making very awkward small talk. today was day seven of the government shut down. what i would like to see is a government shut up. am i right, folks? seriously, am i right? the shut down is costing $300 million a day. all of our national parks are closed which means there is nowhere to go to take mushrooms or write bad poetry. hopefully republicans and democrats will do the right thing, put their differences aside for the greater good of the nation. that was a joke. speaker of the house john boehner is refusing to allow a vote. he wants president obama to make concessions first. our country could default on our loans which most everyone agrees
would be devastating. it would be an economic calamity which none the world has ever seen. it will affect all of us in some way. today i sent a camera crew out to find out how specific groups of people are reacting to this shut down and the effects there of. >> what does a guy who is going to do whatever it takes to get me behind the wheel of a kia sorento think about the government shut down. >> what is that question again? >> let me ask you ladies what do lady who had one too many pomegranate margaritas at the cheesecake factory and maybe got a little too handy think about the government shut down. >> what do guys who look like they are in a wham cover band called careless whispers, think
about 86% of female workers being furloughed? >> what the -- i don't even know what you just said. >> what does that mean? >> what do women who run a 50 shade of grey fan site who say tie me up and stick me in the back of a minivan think about the government shut down. >> i don't know. >> i don't know. >> how you doing, sir? what's your name? >> hi, my name's scott. >> what does a guy who is so baked right now that he's not even sure he's on hollywood boulevard doing an interview. he may be sitting at breakfast looking at fruity pebble s or rock climbing think about osha being shuttered? >> about osha being shuttlered? i don't know what it is. >> what do women who look like thelma and louise who may have survived the crash with years of reconstructive surgery think about yellow stone being closed? >> gosh. >> what are guys who will most likely be on the local news
slowly walking backwards towards the police car think about the united states debt? >> i think it's ridiculous. >> what do guys without a mailing address think about the u.s. postal service being closed? >> it's probably better? >> let me ask you, what is the brother who just smoked a bowl think about the usda? >> you know, smoking bowl is like -- like -- he is sympathetic but he's too stoned to care. so -- >> let me ask you what does the moon think about nasa being shut down? >> i don't think he cares. >> sir, what's your name? >> kenny. >> of course it is. kenny, let me ask you what do men who have caused over three dozen hooters waitresses quit their job and join the peace corps think about the peace corps remaining open during the shut down. >> huh. i have no idea. >> you know what you do have an
idea about? sweet cut offs. look at that. yeah. >> i do have an idea about that. that's true. yeah. [ applause ] >> we have some of our -- there you are. congratulations. disney is suing you for the knock off ears. we have a new show for you tonight. we have music from corn tonight and we will be right back with the cast of "modern family." join us.
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colgate optic white dual action shines and whitens over 2 shades more than a leading whitening toothpaste. and whiten even more, with optic white mouthwash and the whole colgate optic white line. and whiten even more, with optic white mouthwash >> welcome back. tonight on the program, this is their cd, it's called "the paradigm shift" comes out tomorrow, korn from the sony outdoor stage.
tomorrow night elton john will be here to chat and sing and emily vancamp will join us too. and later this week owen wilson, from the la clippers, chris paul, blake griffin, and deandre jordan, and music from arctic monkeys and panic at the disco. so, join us for all of that. our guests tonight form the nucleus of a show that has won the emmy for outstanding comedy series in each of the last four years. the 100th episode of "modern family" airs here on abc this wednesday night at 9:00. >> last week when weep we were supposed to have lunch and you canceled. beyonce was at the restaurant. >> the singer? >> the singer. when i was leaving i stopped and i said hello to her and we chatted for like ten minutes. >> that's great. i'm glad you had that experience. i don't know what you talked to her about seeing how you don't know any of her songs other than "single lady" which everyone knows. >> love that song. >> i'm surprised that you can
hear it. >> well, this was fun. hey, who's hungry? >> where is that bore? please welcome, in alphabetical order, julie bowen, ty burrell, jesse tyler ferguson, ed o'neill, eric stonestreet and sofia vergara. [ applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> we have to make this quick. you have tickets to the dodgers game? >> yes.
the game starts at 6:30. i have to get out of here quick as i can. >> eric has been e-mailing since the schedule came out. i would love to do this real quick. then i can get the hell out uof here. >> this is an example of how great my life is. i am aggressively angry that i am here. being on a late night tv show. >> you're from kansas city? what is with the dodgers stuff? >> i'm a dodgers fan. i lived here a long time. >> obviously i don't have to worry about the dodgers and royals playing unless it's the world series. now i would root for the royals. >> pass this down? >> wow! >> it's gonna be the only person in this whole get up that is also wearing full make-up. >> i forgot to bring a wipe. >> obviously funny. >> i think they have makeup wipes in the bathroom at dodgers stadium. >> so first of all, congratulations on the emmy.
and i see that you were surprised that you won? >> we were shocked. because we had lost everything. our director, one of the directors, it was sort of, we had had a sad evening otherwise. a lot of death at the emmys. >> it was a little disappointing. not bad. >> no one died. >> how many people did you bring to the emmys? >> 22 people. counting me. >> counting yourself. >> 21. >> how many cars did that take? >> only three. we cram in the car. but because of the big dress, i get a little more space. i learned my lesson. previous years. i brought a lot of people. i was going to try to get in the line. the policeman said it is illegal you cannot, we cannot let you arrive on the red carpet with
all these people. but you know -- >> we were at an after party. we had a texas thing going between us. you were at home drinking wine. at this point. but we said which part are you going to go to? it was a different late night talk show named jimmy. and sofia was like where are you now? we're at jimmy fallon's party and she was like tell him i will be there plus 21. so i was like -- so i told the door man, sofia is coming with all of columbia. the thing is if you want to go to a dance party, just go with sofia. it immediately turns into. she is like change the music i am here. it changed the whole vibe. >> cowbells came out. all of a sudden. >> a musical instrument.
>> cue bell -- cowbells! >> we ended up at another party and all i was getting were texts of blurry photos of it looked like that thing in the matrix sequel where it looked like the middle of the earth where people were dancing. there was steam coming off people. >> my husband in one picture and i think it was you or maybe it was someone else. i was like sofia is not with her boyfriend. no, that is her son. it was a pile of movement. >> where was your entourage? >> i was with my wife. plus one. i did make it out. >> the other big event of this year was jesse's wedding. did you all go to the wedding? >> and we all got emmys. how was the wedding? was it a good time? >> i thought it was awesome. >> it was amazing.
>> i honestly didn't care for it. >> was it at all weird for you, seeing your television husband taking another husband. >> i felt a little something there when he was walking down the aisle there. i thought it would be me. i thought it would. i honestly thought it would be me. >> you are not married on tv, when you get married on tv do you think you will use oldie englishy vows like jesse did? >> did you really? >> they were very traditional vows. >> you may have stumbled a little. there was a beautiful meaningful wedding. but when you were out to say with my body i thee -- i thee worship. >> what? >> it's like biblical porn. awe thought awe -- that's why i chose it. i love porn. and i love the bible.
i married them. >> you are well-rounded. >> jimmy: eric let me on to something, a little e-mail exchange between the guys on the show. >> i sent you pictures of me for years. >> we send each others picture of meat. i was shocked to know you were doing this with others. >> jimmy: who made this? >> it looks like the loneliest meal. >> shade of brown. >> a rib eye. >> you have even have a little pad there to write yourself notes. >> writing a book. >> that's my journal of poetry. >> what is this? >> this was an inside day. i was makingburgers, grilled onions. bowling alley treat. >> eric, you too. i think i saw this one. >> chicken and corn. >> at your home. >> this is the text exchange i am on. i want off of it desperately.
>> happy to replace you on this one. >> you made that? >> oxtail stew. >> you made that, ed? >> i did. >> mm. >> you are supposed to take the sticker off. >> does it peel off? >> jesse gets a little fatigued. >> jesse sent you guys. in response to all of the -- >> that's a good conversation stopper. i'm done talking about meat. when you're done i'm on the cover. >> lovely. >> you guys get along very well. seems like you get along well. man one day people will write a book about how horrible everything was. what i would look to do tonight to get you guys a little competitive, also see kind of how well you know each other, and various things, tonight when we come back, we are going to play "modern family feud." okay.
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on my right we have the pritchetts against their on screen significant others, the inlaws. let's get on and give me ed and sofia. >> let's play the feud. we surveyed 100 people. we have the top four answers they gave on the brord. your goal is to try to get the most popular answer. name something that a person might take a picture of and then post it to facebook. >> do i say it or just think it? >> you say it. >> girls take pictures of boobs. >> of boobs.
let's put it on the board. let's see boobs? no. ed? name something a person might take a picture of and post to facebook. >> don't look at me. i'm on the opposite team. >> i don't know what facebook is. >> themselves. let's go to the board and see. >> you go sit with your family and we will go down to the pritchetts. julie, name something that somebody might take a picture of and then post to facebook. >> their pet. >> their pet. >> name something that somebody would take a picture of and post to facebook. >> babies. >> there is babies.
no! >> ed, we now go to you. each of your team will get two strikes as opposed to the normal three. just for the sake of brevity -- name something a person might take a picture of and then post to facebook. >> vacations. >> let's look at the board. vacations. no! wow. you have a chance to steal this away. name something people might post to facebook. >> food. >> food. >> i will move my mouth and you say it. >> food. >> do we see food? yes! all right. now give me julie and ty. come on up. get your buzzer. >> you have to unbutton for this?
>> is this just screwed on or is it a real thing. >> a real thing. >> name something you might eat in the middle of the night. >> ty. >> not a tie. but ty. >> ice cream. >> ice cream is ty's answer. do i see ice cream? number two. julie? >> do i get to say something. >> if you get number one you will get to play. >> cereal. >> cereal. do we have cereal? oh! >> and we're going to begin with eric. eric, name something you might eat in the middle of the night. >> i'm going to say milk and cookies. >> name something you might eat in the middle of the night. >> left over empanadas.
>> left over empanadas. >> i thought for sure. ty, we go back to you. >> i am going to say pizza. let's see. give us pizza. close this category out. something you eat in the middle of the night. >> i'm going to say fried chicken. >> fried chicken. do we have fried chicken? >> no. no fried chicken. you can talk among yourselves. you can come up with an answer between you. we are looking for something you might eat in the middle of the night. >> chips. >> chips. let's see.
do we have chips? yes! all right. we are going to take a break. don't go away. we will be right back with the thrilling final round of modern family feud. my asthma's under control. i don't miss out... you sat out most of our game yesterday! asthma doesn't affect my job... you were out sick last week. my asthma doesn't bother my family... you coughed all through our date night! i hardly use my rescue inhaler at all. what did you say? how about - every day? coping with asthma isn't controlling it. test your level of control at asthma.com, then talk to your doctor. there may be more you could do for your asthma. they're not usually this thin, this light. ♪ they don't let you touch and draw, not like this. ♪ this is not just a tablet. it has a click in keyboard and microsoft office, ♪ this lets you run your favorite apps next to your favorite apps. ♪
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>> what a game. welcome back to modern family feud. it is anybody's game right now and give me jesse and eric. jesse and eric, step up to the mic. this is the final question, gentlemen. the final question is name something you squeeze. eric? >> toilet paper. >> charmin. something you squeeze. >> i think you're about 25 years too late on that one. >> my baby boyfriend. >> his baby boyfriend. >> that's not there either. >> i don't want that one. >> what do you squeeze?
>> i can help you. >> tooth paste. >> jeez! >> oranges? >> something you squeeze. >> oranges. >> i think you guys are violating the spirit of the competition. >> oranges. oranges? oranges. all right. you guys are playing for the win here. ed, name something you squeeze. >> oh no. >> i just said you squeeze a tortilla. >> something you squeeze. something you squeeze. >> something you squeeze. >> pimple. >> that's good. >> what? >> pimple. >> wash cloth. >> pimples. let's look for pimples. is it up there? julie, you have a chance now to keep this -- >> me? >> yes, keep this ball in your court. >> a rubber ball.
like a stress ball. >> all right. >> something you squeeze. >> you squeeze a baby. >> a baby. to make baby juice. let's look at the board. no. no baby. >> you can win it all if you come up with something that's on the board. name something you squeeze. >> in spanish? >> no in english. something you squeeze. >> a what? >> a cheek or butt. >> a cheek or a butt. >> let's see if a butt is on the board. is a butt on the board? it is! >> they won the modern family feud home game for hours of home feuding fun. >> congratulations to the pritchetts and the inlaws. thank you so much.
waiter: here's your check. oh! you--you got it. you know, since i got rid of my car, i really enjoy walking. ok. got it? no, i'm good. announcer: getting pulled over for buzzed driving could cost you around $10,000 in fines, legal fees, and increased insurance rates. oh, you're home early. you live with your mom? announcer: that'll set your game back a few years. buzzed, busted, and broke because buzzed driving is drunk driving.
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