tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC November 5, 2013 11:35pm-12:36am PST
>> announcer: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight vince vaughn. mark consuelos. and music from st. lucia. with cleto and the cletones. and now, behold, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ >> jimmy: that's very nice! thank you. [ cheers and applause ] welcome to the show. thank you for watching. [ indiscernible ]
thank you very much. i have a -- i have a great story for you tonight. do we have any canadians in our studio? [ cheers and applause ] excellent. i need your help. how many of you are familiar with toronto mayor rob ford? [ applause ] if you aren't let me catch you up. rob ford has been mayor of toronto for three years. he was a city councilman, seven years before that. since then he has been involved in a number of shenanigans, most notably a video seen by reporters from "the toronto star" that showed mayor ford smoking what they described as a crack pipe. but the video some how disappeared after they saw it. mayor ford claimed it did not exist. he said it was a media conspiracy against him. last week the chief of police in toronto announced he has the video and plans to show it. now in court. which changed things a bit. so today after several days of dodging the press, the mayor held two press conferences. the first one outside his office
where he played this memory game with reporters. >> you asked me a question back in may. you can repeat that question. >> the question i asked you back in may? >> you, you asked me a couple questions. what were the questions? >> do you smoke crack cocaine? >> exactly. yes, i have smoked crack cocaine. >> when, sir? >> do i am? am i an addict, no? have i tried it, probably in one of my drunken stupors, approximately a year ago. >> jimmy: that is beautiful. you understand his excuse for smoking crack is he was drunk. in canada, is that lake a ledik legitimate defense? he said he doesn't have a drug, alcohol problem nor does he have any intention of resigning. >> yes, i have made mistakes. all i can do now is apologize and move on. can i, can i just -- >> yes, please. >> all i can say is i made
mistakes. you guys kept referring to alcohol. a couple isolated incidents. there has been times when i have been in a drunken stupor. that's why i want to see the tape. gyp th . >> jimmy: that makes two of us. i would look to see the tape. hope it isn't a sex tape. i would look to see ike to see . i thought crack made you lose weight. that chocolate covered crack. he has done drugs. doesn't do drugs. it takes a special person to say i don't do drugs and smoke crack in the same press conference. but mayor ford is a special guy. and considers this a lesson learned. i want to be crystal clear to every single person, these mistakes will never, ever, ever
happen again. >> jimmy: never, ever, ever smoke crack again. what more can you ask of the man? it's -- he said he will not step down. if the citizens of toronto want him to leave they can vote him out of office in october of next year. until then he plans to keep up the good work. >> there is only one person to blame for this. that is myself. i know by admit might mistake, was the right thing to do. and i feel like a thousand pounds have been lifted off my shoulders. >> and inserted right into my pants. so, there you go, mayor ford apologized, forgave himself and is ready to go back to work. how is this guy not american? i don't understand it.
by the way, this week might be my favorite part of the story. this little detail. rod ford woke up. said he would admit to smoking crack. he knew everybody was be watching. he said. honey, where is my nfl team logos tie? all clap right there. i love this guy. most people in toronto. don't. a lot of people are embarrassed that he represents their city. that sthunt houldn't be the cas. there is no way to know your mayor will smoke crack. if possible i want to make sure this never happens to another city. we put together a short informational video that i hope will protect other cities going through the same embarrassment toronto is exploring. >> huh to tell if your mayor is smoking crack. blurred vision. [ bleep [ bleep ]. >> announcer: loss of balance. >> set, hut!
>> announcer: sudden fits of rage. >> please, get off my property! thank you. thank you very much! >> announcer: denies smoking crack. >> i do not use crack cocaine. >> announcer: admits to smoking crack. >> yes, i smoked crack cocaine. >> announcer: that's how to tell if your mayor is smoking crack. >> jimmy: there you have it. ha-ha. hey, i tell you what, it's exciting to see that chris farley has been reincarnated as a politician. [ applause ] as you know, halloween was on thursday. and, last night we premiered our annual tell your kids you ate all their halloween candy youtube challenge. a big hit. we have another tradition involving kids and candy. my cousin sal, every year, kids walk up and down, saying trick-or-treat. all they get its a treat. my cousin sal, wired his porch with hidden cameras and reminded
kids in his neighborhood that tricks are an important part of any balanced halloween night too. ♪ ha-ha-ha! >> hey. happy halloween. trick-or-treat. oh, you guys are in luck. because i just finished a fresh load of laundry. and i have nice clean underwear for all of you. isn't this the best halloween ever? >> there you go. my tighty whities. tumble dried 40 minutes. >> can i get a kit-kat. >> some where else in the neighborhood. all about the laundry. enjoy my undies. >> i don't trust the guy. ♪
>> hey, happy halloween! what's happening? >> candy. >> you want candy. >> are you giving me candy. >> candy. >> thanks. all right. bye. >> bye. >> what a deal! >> hey. happy halloween. what's happening, fellows? >> candy. >> i will fell you what. this year it is not about candy. it is about something even better. this year it is about -- a full healthy salad bar. >> you have got to be kidding. >> get in there, fellows. give me your bag. there we go. let's see some more bags. carrot carrots, croutons, spinach, oh, sorry, you didn't get any over there. michelle obama says hi. all right. healthy halloween! >> ah!
♪ ♪ >> i said take one! get out of my yard! can you read, little man? mike wysowski out of here! don't you hit my hand. what is so funny? don't bite my hand. don't you bite the hand that feed you. don't you bite -- ♪ ♪ >> hi. happy halloween. >> trek or treat. >> you want to hear a scary story? >> what? >> about my roommate randy. he wanted to be a rapper, but he
took a part time job working in the zoo, cleaning poop out of the animal cages. it's not funny. not funny. he cleaned poop out of the panda cage. the panda got real mad one day. he bit his head off. he didn't die. instead his head grew back like a ferocious panda head now. for some reason his arms grew to be like these, like the pool noodles. now, now he has pool noodles for arms. i don't know why -- he had hot pocket sandwiches all over his legs. it was not a pretty sight. he never really comes around except on halloween. it doesn't matter because he doesn't eat candy. he just eats little children. yeah, so, be careful -- >> ah! [ screaming ] >> randy, what are you doing? >> ha-ha-ha! >> oh, randy.
>> ahh! >> he is a crazy guy. i have to say, randy's legs are delicious. [ applause ] >> thank you, sal. >> that was unnecessary. >> jimmy: we need to take a break. when we come back we will be visited by a 5-year-old here in l.a., arden hayes, very, very smart. here in july. impressed with his knowledge of the u.s. presidents and threw in the gettysburg address. >> i know you know the gettysburg address the would you look to recite that for us? >> yeah. >> jimmy: go ahead. you are going to stand. i like that. >> four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the idea that all men are created equal. tell me when to stop -- >> jimmy: just keep going. turns out arden isn't just an
expert on presidents. he knows all kind of stuff. now into geography. you can show him any country on the globe, supposedly he can tell us the name of the country and capital city. when we come back, i will put arden to the test. >> jimmy: we've also got vince vaughn, mark consuelos, and music from st. lucia. we'll be right back!
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knowledge. please welcome 5-year-old whiz kid arden hayes. how are you doing? >> good. >> jimmy: good to see you. >> i metal gore. >> jimmy: you did? >> you did too. >> jimmy: when did you meet al gore? >> the night al gore was on. >> jimmy: at the show. what 5-year-old wouldn't want to meet al gore. >> he is the vice president of the united states. g gyp >> jimmy: i know. were you excited. did you talk to him? >> i did. no other 5-year-old kid would like to. >> jimmy: i was just kidding when i said that. did he sign anything for you? >> my energy book of course. >> jimmy: an energy book for you. >> yeah. >> jimmy: have you read the book? >> yeah, i have read it. >> jimmy: did you like it? >> yeah. it has like -- my favorite part is the wind turbines on the front. >> jimmy: really. >> yeah, wind turbines. >> jimmy: you like wind turbines. next team we will talk wind turbines. >> ha-ha-ha. yeah.
>> jimmy: that wasn't a joke, arden. but, you, since you were here last you have become very interested in geography, right? >> yeah, right. that's why -- >> jimmy: we have maps on the wall. so you know every country in the world -- >> that does not have south sudan on it. >> jimmy: missing a country? >> yeah. >> jimmy: where should it be? that should be south sudan. >> the blue country like, broke up into a southern half called south sudan. >> jimmy: sorry, i didn't know. you know what, i am going to make sure some one gets fired over that. >> yeah, because, because -- because, the country broke up into two countries. >> jimmy: ridiculous. you think everyone would know that. >> but no one does. >> jimmy: but no one does. except for you. you know a lot of this stuff the i am going to quiz you. want to start with an easy question.
how many countries are there? >> 196. >> jimmy: exactly right. we are going to show you some countries. and, i would look ike to ask yo identify the country and name the capital. he doesn't know. have not run any of the stuff by him. let's go to the first one. and there is the globe. the world, spinning. >> paraguay. >> jimmy: paraguay. yes, that is right, paraguay. and what is -- what is the capital of paraguay? >> asuncion. >> jimmy: asuncion, correct. >> you said i pronounce it wrong? >> if you get any pronunciations wrong. >> jimmy: it is okay? thank you. >> then, it is actually guinea. >> jimmy: i have had fights with people over that. let's look at another one. see if you can identify this
country. >> yemen. >> jimmy: that is yemen. yeah, exactly right. how do you know it so fast? what is the capital of yemen? sana'a. >> jimmy: correct. i will give you the capital, tell me the country? >> rega? >> latvia. >> jimmy: how about funkytown? >> that is a joke. >> jimmy: that it is. all right. this is a tricky one. let's go to -- >> okay, this won't be a tricky one. it broke up into seven countries. >> jimmy: what country originally? >> yugoslavia. >> jimmy: what country is
>> some times i get confused by kosovo and montenegro. >> jimmy: do you know what the seven countries have in common? >> they both end with stan. >> jimmy: they all end with stan. right. >> kazakhstan, tajikistan, i mean, yeah. afghanistan. pakistan. hey it appeared before i said pakistan. >> jimmy: see that. >> oh. >> astonishing. >> and make it together and make one big stan country. >> jimmy: people call them stan, afghanistan, pakistan. >> they're not. >> jimmy: they're stan. guillermo, bring out the presents. we have presents for you. you lost a tooth. what did the tooth fairy bring.
>> i thought this was a real globe. i have a real globe at home. thank you. >> jimmy: i will take it back. >> that its okay. just a puzzle. >> jimmy: what do we have for you, the sony, experia tablet z. we're just planning to get an ipad for christmas. >> jimmy: you are. okay. who knows. i'll take these both back. all right. thank you great job, arden. thank you. and mark consuelos is here. we have music from st. lucia. and we'll be right back with vince vaughn.
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>> jimmy: tonight on the program his new series "alpha house" will be available on amazon starting november 15th mark consuelos is here. and then with music from this album "when the night" st. lucia from the sony stage. tomorrow night dr. phil will be here, erin andrews will be with us, and we'll have music from florida georgia line. and on thursday rob lowe, from "scandal" columbus short, and making their first appearance on late night television ever nine inch nails.
join us for that. [ cheers and applause ] whether he's swinging, wedding-crashing, old schooling, interning or ball- dodging our first guest is a big movie star. his excellent new movie "delivery man" opens november 22nd. please welcome vince vaughn. ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: very nice. thank you. you know all the countries by shape? >> you no, i don't. i find that young man to be more than impressive. at some point maybe you want to go outside and catch a lizard. you know what i mean? no, i think it's exciting. i don't want to be the towny that brings him down for being exceptional. he is exceptional. no way around it. one game every now and then. is that all right?
>> jimmy: enjoy. enjoy. what kind of kid were you? did you have like a weird thing? >> i did not have a command of geography in that fashion, no. but he has, i thought that kid has a beautiful spirit, great he is able to do all of that. that's great. i did not, i was not a trail blazer in that category. >> jimmy: any special skills as a child? or a lump? >> not a lump. not a lump. i liked to joke around. i had a since of humor. tried to make up for my lack of geography in other areas. how about yourself, were you an academic whiz? >> i was pretty good in school. i mostly liked to joke around and screw around and play whiffle ball. spent the time doing that. >> pleasure to meet you. >> jimmy: you too. you got back from germany? >> filming a movie in berlin. we had a good time being there. whenever i go to a new city. in order to see the sights and take stuff in. i like to get on the double-decker bus. the regular tour bus. >> my strategy, the first morning i get there.
i get on the bus. >> it is a five star journey. >> jimmy: yeah. >> they'll take me to the hits. >> jimmy: people make fun of me. i lick ook to get an everalover. >> exactly. >> jimmy: we might need to go on a european vacation together. >> like it. especially with whiffle ball background. >> jimmy: for sure. >> i love it. you can look up. people tell you to go here. i know if i get on the bus they will take me to places i have to see. if i don't like something. the bus is coming back. if i enjoy the place. i want to spend extra time. something hits a chord with me. i can go outside the bus will come by in 15 minutes. i would like it to be the best journey possible. >> jimmy: it is. i sit on the top. >> you have to it gives you the overview. when they say this was built in whatever, the king killed so and so. i lack ike to look out and see happened. >> jimmy: you learn things in your own language.
>> not on the level of the young man that was here. i take in a level of growth. exciting. >> jimmy: in germany, do people know you? recognize you? >> they do recognize me. people are usually pretty friendly. you know, i think a guy, double-decker bus doesn't command the kind of respect, not lick i get hassled. they go that's interesting. he is on the double-decker bus. ask for a picture. take one. then get back to the viewing, listening pleasure. do you get recognized on the bus? >> jimmy: nobody knows me in other countries. own americans will know me. other than that. nobody has any idea who i am. i am not a movie star like you are. in fact i am from las vegas. and swingers, obviously, las vegas plays a big part in that. [ cheers and applause ] when you go to las vegas, do people get extra excited when they see you? >> well, you know when we did the movie. we had the big scene, we go to vacation, scenes i should say, became like a thing. vegas baby, vegas. your money, baby, and this stuff.
years later it was surprising when that started to become billboards advertising vegas. vegas, baby, vegas. very flattering. i look to go to las vegas. like to gamble a little bit. people will say your money or vegas baby vegas. most are superstitious. if you gamble, you know not to be over some one's shoulder playing black jack, you don't want to be responsible if the double goes bad or splits go weird. stay away from some one when they're playing. >> jimmy: black jack. >> any game. don't want to be the person just watching. you get the blame. it's not good. so when i play black jack, and you do double down, and you lose that, it is like, say an ace. and another ace, you find yourself with four hand out there. and then they slide the money away when it all goes bad. some one yells, vegas, baby, vegas. salt on the wound at that point in time. >> jimmy: that is a bad, an example of bad time to use that phrase. >> bad time. >> jimmy: what did your father do for a living? >> my dad was a salesman. he sold, he was the first
generation off the farm originally my dad. he put hem self throuimself thr. he sold meat as the it would be. >> jimmy: excellent. >> exactly. and toys, toy salesman. my dad loved the racetrack, loved to gamble, play card. card player. liked to gamble. >> jimmy: did he teach you how to play cards? >> he did. when we were kids. we used to go at the kitchen table, two older sisters, take pennies, di strivide them evenl. we would play black jack until some one got all right pennies. if you ever got a black jack you could become the house. what you wanted. house had the advantage. we would sit and play until some one had the pennies. at a young age i learned to play card. >> jimmy: when kids start gambling when you have to get them young. because they will go on to a lifetime of gaming. >> start gaming young, it is good. you learn don't bet the milk money. did you play? >> jimmy: we would go in and
gamble when we felt like it. nobody ever bothered us unless we won. then they would kick us out. >> how old were you? >> jimmy: 17, 18. too young to be in gambling. >> if you within they want an id. where were you when i was clean and sober on the machine. >> jimmy: lose, they will let you stay leike a day-care cente in the old days. kids, cousin sal, enjoys gambling. first time he gambled. >> when not tormenting kids on halloween. >> jimmy: he won a lot of money. bet with aunt chippy. quarters in the slot machine. won big. now a gambling problem. >> does he lose a lot now? >> no. he doesn't lose a lot. he does all right. >> that's what i mean. i think, people that never really play, they get excited. but if you start playing younger you learn those lessons. if you are around gamblers who play, hold it together. you kind of learn like not a good idea to take the rent money and try to double it.
hopefully people generations before you learned that lesson. >> jimmy: what you and i discussed is the worst possible advice. >> for parenting. now wondering why our kids aren't knowing the geography. we are on double-decker bus and playing black jack. >> vince vaughn is here, and in "delivery man." we'll be right back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ it's an extremely simple tool. but also extremely powerful. it could be used to start a poem. or finish a symphony. it has transformed the way we work, learn, create, share. it's used to illustrate things, solve things and think of new things.
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and the whole colgate optic white line. >> we are back with vince vaughn, mark consuelos is on the way. "delivery man" thought it was great. enjoyed it. explain the premise of the film. >> my character's name is david wazniak, works in the family business, younger he made decisions in his life he put behind him that are now coming to the forefront, i think, we'll have a clip that sets it up. kind of shows you what i am talking about. >> you have sired, 533 children and 142 of them wish to know your identity. >> what? >> you are the biological father of 533 children.
>> no. >> at the team of multiple donations you signed a confidentiality agreement, the clinic is obligated to protect your identity. a subset of your children is contesting the legality of the documents. they wish to know who starbuck is. >> yo, no soy, david wazniak. yo, no soy, david wazniak. >> jimmy: i didn't know you knew spanish. the movie, a sweet movie. coined of moving. actually. >> the director is amazing. kent scott directed and wrote the film. yeah, character younger. overgave to a sperm bank. now coming home to roost. it's funny. a big premise. but the -- the response to the movie is tremendous it can be
dramatic, sentimental, funny, unpredictable goes in a lot of directions you don't expect. a lot of fun. >> jimmy: a touching film about touching yourself. >> that's right. that's right. >> jimmy: is it too late to get that on the poster by the way. love to have my name under it. >> right now. right now. >> jimmy: great to see you. >> always fun. >> jimmy: see "delivery man" opens november 22nd. we'll be right back with mark consuelos. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel. every year, men grow mustaches to raise awareness of men's health turning november into movember. participation is easy, just start the month clean shaven then register at movember.com and with the gillette fusion proglide styler. mustaches can be kept properly groomed so that tragedies like this can be avoided. >> mech each movember, men grow mustaches for a good cause. many are neglected because they lack proper shaving tools.
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>> jimmy: our next guest has the face of an angel and the everything else of an angel too. he plays senator andy guzman on the new show "alpha house" which premieres on amazon starting november 15th, please say hello to mark consuelos. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ how are you? how is your foot? your lovely wife kelly rippa was talking about your health. >> saw me walking like george jefferson. >> i broke my foot running with my oldest son. >> jimmy: this is why i don't exercise. >> i had a boot, my vanity got the better part of me. i am not going to wear a boot. >> jimmy: you don't want to hop out in a boot. >> gosh, so boring. i had foot surgery earlier in the year. that changes my gait. that's what made it, break. but you know who has no sympathy
for me is my wife. >> jimmy: your wife has no sympathy. >> jimmy: is she one that never goes to the doctor. doesn't deal with that stuff. has babies in the street. >> in the street in the field. doesn't feel pain. >> jimmy: sthep doesnhe doesn't. >> jimmy: when i had foot surgery i had a walker. she sent us video. let's roll the video kelly sent. this is what happens when you marry somebody who has a talk show. that's really what you -- what you -- that's how you get around your house. on that thing? ha-ha. >> what happened -- i would get up in the middle of the night. i had to go to the bathroom. and it would squeak. i would hear her like turn over. and ah. and then i go to the bathroom. some times i would pee on the wheel a little bit. how do you get back into the room. it was a mess. >> jimmy: do you get upset with kelly for talking about your
personal affairs? >> yes, yes. she also takes pictures of me sleeping which i find really annoying. but i also find it strange that i fall asleep all the time. >> jimmy: you do get up early. you have kids and all that. >> i don't get up early. i fall asleep at 8:00. >> jimmy: up in the middle of the night peeing on wheels. >> that's true. >> jimmy: by the way she has a talk show. she can duo this stuff. is there anything embarrassing you want to say. >> i have been married 17 years. i have really stayed away from that. but today she did have some dental work. >> jimmy: she did. >> just so happens. she left me. i don't have a picture. i have a voice mail. >> jimmy: i do. >> i have a voice mail. see if this works here. i will play it. >> it's me, the only reason i am calling you right now is because everybody watching is going to hear my voice before the novocaine wears off. because they think it is really funny. i don't think it's funny.
i can't feel my ear or my eyebrows. any way, i love you. and, i hope this, this -- this voice mail leaves you great happiness. >> jimmy: wow. all right. >> it's gift that keeps on giving. i think there was a little more than novocaine in that. >> jimmy: might have been, little tequila with novocaine or something. >> absolutely. >> jimmy: this show you have a show on amazon. the first show. >> we're guinea pigs. >> jimmy: like netflix. stream the show on amazon. big show. >> john goodman is on the show which is great. i love him. i am, i don't know when i walk in see him in the morning if he is going to punch me in the mouth or give me a hug. >> jimmy: unpredictable. >> he is really sweet. he is scary. >> jimmy: big, big. >> he's big. >> jimmy: who else? >> matt malloy, clark johnson, and gary troudeau, and wanda
sykes. great show. >> go to amazon, amazonprime. subscribe. and you, and hilarity hilarity. watch it and a sofa appears. >> jimmy: how is the family? >> my son is getting big. i had a bet, 16. once he gets taller than me i would give him half a beer. >> jimmy: really. how close is he? >> hanging upside down, stretching with weights. >> jimmy: good to associate reward with alcohol with children. >> it is a very mexican thing to do. >> jimmy: is it really? what kind of beer will you give him? >> dos xs. >> here is the twist. he can't have a full beer until he is twice your size. literally 12 feet tall. >> throw him for a loop. like the geography kid. he won't put that together.
>> jimmy: good to see you. say hello to the family. >> jimmy: mark consuelos. "alpha house" will be available on amazon.com starting november 15th. when we come back music from st. lucia. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ to those who've encountered welcome to covered california. new, affordable health plans so you can be ready for whatever comes your way. enroll today at coveredca.com.
when ouwe goword. she said hert (little girl) no! saw her first day of school. (little girl) bye bye! made a best friend forever. the back seat of my subaru is where she grew what? (announcer) the subaru forester. (girl) what? (announcer) motor trend's two thousand fourteen sport utility of the year. love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru.
arden hayes and apologize to >> jimmy: i'd like to thank vince vaughn, mark consuelos, arden hayes and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. "nightline" is next, but first their new album "when the night" here with the song "elevate" saint lucia. good night. ♪ ♪ i don't know how you do it but somehow you've
always will be there and there's nothing ♪ ♪ to it but somehow you've always understand there's no way to wake up now too many times ♪ ♪ i saw you cry no one can make up you wait for the sun to make the sky no one elevate to ♪ ♪ elevate to now no one is going to take you going to take you there ♪ ♪ all this time never thought i would see you smile know that i ♪ ♪ and i know that
♪ to take you going to take you there are you ready to do something crazy? are you sure? all right! let's jump! ♪ and no one elevates elevates you now ♪ ♪ and no one is going to take you there ♪ ♪ and no one elevates you elevates you now the ♪ ♪ and no one is going to take you going to take you there ♪