tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC November 13, 2013 11:35pm-12:36am PST
tonight, ray romano from "the >> from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, ray romano from "the best man holiday" eddie cibrian and music from the killers with cleto and the cletones and now, like i told you before, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ jimmy kimmel live [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you very much. very nice. thank you. welcome to the show. thank you for watching. thank you for being here tonight.
[ cheers and applause ] this is a particularly special night. i would look to start the show by wishing myself a very happy birthday. no, no -- pass your gifts off to the front. i will open them later. i got a lot of calls and texts for my birthday this morning. don't get me wrong. i appreciate it. i really do. i would look to take a moment to refresh my relatives, especially older relatives on the east coast about something called time difference you. see when it is 9:00 a.m. in new york it is 6:00 a.m. in lay lay whelay -- l.a. where i live. just imagine turning the 9 upside down. when you call from the east coast 9:00 a.m., 6:00 a.m. here to tell me you hope i have a great day. ironically that call waking me up all but ensures that my day will not be great. still has a shot at being a good day.
any day that starts with a phone call at 6:12 a.m., already not great. i know this time zone thing has only been around since 1900. so, but let's maybe get used to it now that it has been around for 113 years and think about it every once in a while on november 13th my birthday. by next year each of my aunts and uncles will forget. my sister's birthday is tomorrow. maybe they will take mercy on her tomorrow morning. i doubt it. but maybe. thank you very much. [ cheers and applause ] it's great. i turned 46 today. which is, not a great age. 46 is -- [ cheers and applause ] nothing to get excite ad about all. you are too young to do crazy people stuff. too old to do crazy young people stuff. you do nothing i did get a lot of gifts. my co-workers attempted to
murder me with deserts. i had cookies, home made chocolate chip cookies, jen, banana cream pie, lobster and crab roll, eggs and toast, canolis, orange julius, and slice of cake, all before 1:00 this afternoon. it was ale really good too. you don't know, birthday cake is -- the idea of birthday cake is great when you think about it. all your friend and family gather around. oh, no, a pastry is on fire. if someone doesn't put it out we will all die. then you step forward and say i've got this. you blow the fire out. and everyone applaud. it's like being superman. a very out of shape version of superman. we have a great lineup of guest for me tonight. ray romano is here, eddie cibrian is here, music from hometown group, the killers.
our second night of them. they were here last night too. which i guess that makes them serial killers, right. [ drum roll ] >> jimmy: my birthday, give me a break. best gift i got today, toronto city council meeting starring their almost unbelievable mayor rob ford. rob ford as you may know admitted to last week having smoked crack while in office. since then he said multiple times he will not step down. legally they can't force him to. the toronto city council held a meeting to vote on whether or not to ask him to resign. which seems very canadian to me. mayor ford was at the meeting. well here he is being questioned by chief rival counselor denzel minnenwall. >> mr. mayor, do you still have zero tolerance for drugs, guns, and gangs? >> absolutely. >> mr. mayor, can you tell me how that applies to you?
>> i just answered that question. >> mr. mayor, have you purchased illegal drugs in the last two years? [ "jeopardy" clock effect ] ♪ ♪ >> yes, i have. >> jimmy: yes, despite that -- [ cheers and applause ] despite that admission mayor ford reiterated to day he does not have a drug or alcohol problem. toronto has a drug and alcohol problem. their mayor. it was a crazy meeting.
at one point ford implied other members of the city council do drugs too and suggested they all undergo mandatory drug and alcohol testing and he would pay for it himself out of his own drug buying money. a great moment when counselor michael thompson asked if the may your visited a crack house. >> it has been report you'd attended a residence in toronto. at that residence deemed or suggested it is a -- a crack house. >> it is not a crack house. have you visited the house? have you walked in the house? no you haven't. you are listening to what -- >> mayor ford. >> can i answer the question? >> allow counselor tom ask the question. >> you don't want to hear my answer. i'm not being truthful have you been into the house. >> i have no interest being that in house. i am not a crack user. >> jimmy: it makes sense.
[ applause ] you don't eat waffles, you don't go to the wafflehouse. this may have been my favorite moment of the meeting. counselor mike del grande asked about an incident, the mayor kicked out of maple leafs game at the canada center for being drunk and disorderly, imagine the mayor getting kicked out. after that happened the mayor apologized swore it would never happen again. clearly it did and then some. >> when you yourself came before this council and you apologized to your family you, poll jaapol to the council and about behavior at canada center, you said that conduct would be repeated. >> 2 iin 2006, you are right. >> can we assume the conduct repeat you'd stated on numerous occasions that you the were, to use your word, inebriated.
every commotion has been because you indicated you have been inebriated, you failed to appreciate that perhaps there is a problem there. >> counselor, i have admitted to my mistakes. i said it would not hatch pppenn and it has never happened again at the air canada center. >> jimmy: game, and set, and match. after all of that, end of the meeting the city council voted 37-5, they asked mayor ford to step down. the five against, mayor ford, his brother, doug, a crack dealer and two hookers, i think. some how the story got crazy. a judge released a 500 page police report among revelations a member of the mayor's staff claimed he saw him last year on st. patrick's day with a prostitute, and another witnessed the mayor snorting
cocai cocaine. at this point. the only shocking allegation you can make is he was caught eating a salad. it's amazing, toronto has a 400 pound andy dick running the city. messages and calls i have been getting from family members for my birthday. if you watch our show regularly, you are familiar with my aunt chippy, a loving person, but she can be a very loud person. even for me, it is some times hard to tell if she is being nice or yelling at me. she is always yelling at me whether being nice or not. when she calls and leaves me a v voice mail. i save it. i don't answer the fen phone to voice mails. i will play the first few second of a voice mail from aunt chippy, guess if it is a happy voice mail or angry voice mail. you begin? >> you never answer your freaking phone, especially for your aunt. >> jimmy: happy or angry?
>> angry? >> i called to tell you you, i just watched you. you were wonderful. handsome. you should wear a tuxedo all the time. >> jimmy: all right. you see what i am sake. next one. >> jimmy it is your aunt -- >> jimmy: all right, what does that sound like to you? >> angry. >> jimmy: let's find out. >> you are up for the emmy, i am so excited! i am so excited! and i think i wet myself anyway. i am so happy for you. i love you. i love you. i love you. bye. >> jimmy: once again. that's one -- the next one. hey, jim it is aunt chippy. g >> jimmy: happy or angry? >> angry. >> the only way to get ahold of you this is your aunt. the only way to get ahold of you, i will get a carrier pigeon that [ bleep ] on your head when i call you or leave a message
for you. i love you. when you get a chance. give me a call. >> jimmy: a little of each. we have one more. >> i have waited since 5:30 this morning to call you to wish you a happy birthday. >> happy? >> jimmy: all right. let's see. >> i waited at 6:30, that's too early, i will let him sleep. 7:30, no. 8:30. it's 9:30, where the -- i called to wish you a happy birthday. don't play this [ bleep ] thing on national television. happy birthday! >> jimmy: thank you, aunt chippy. thank you. we'll take a break. when we come back, the killers have writ ten a special birr daytona song jubirr -- birthday song for me. and also ray romano and eddie cibrian. hurry back. we'll be right here.
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>> jimmy: welcome back, ray romano and eddie cibrian are here, and the killers are here. i love the killer we, both grew up in las vegas. when my producers asked who i would look to be here for my birthday i asked for them. and they said yes. and wrote a song to celebrate this historic occasion. i decided to help them with that. wow, a good shot. hey, guys what's happening. >> hey, jimmy. >> good to see you. >> how are you? what's happening? thank you for coming. hear you are writing me a song
for your birthday. >> it is supposed to be a surprise. >> oh, really. oh, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to. but i did actually wrote a few things down. don't know if you need any help with. >> not really. >> jimmy: i don't know if you are going to be focusing on my body at all. there are certain parts i look to highlight you. probably notice my eyebrows a lot of people comment on them. they're, they're like naturally like this. people think they're, they're professionally shaped or something. but these are them. so. i don't know if you want to work that in there. >> they are nice, jimmy. >> jimmy: thank you. my calves, like below my knee, are very muscular. >> do you run a lot? >> no, they're like naturally like that. you know, like miniature boulders. >> do you think maybe you should be writing some of this down.
we have pads and papers here. i don't know if you guys want to. >> i have a pretty good memory, jimmy. >> jimmy: i loike to have fun. i love to party. >> that's a good idea. make sure you write that one down. >> maybe spell it out. party. p-a-r-t-y. j-i-m-m-y, p-a-r-t-y. jimmy party. what would be great if you put something about how good i am at sex. like he really knows how to do it. you don't say what "it" is. but jimmy knows how how to do it. p-a-r-t-y. j-i-m-m-y. do any of you rap? great to have a rap. break it down. >> mark is good. had a rap group in high school. >> jimmy: you did. that's gray. perfect then. love it.
beard is a weird thing for a rapper. clean that up a little bit. get the hair little bit trimmed. [ humming ] >> you guys want to ask me -- >> this covers a lot of ground. >> jimmy: did anyone want to see my calves or? you just want to got a look at them? >> that's all right. >> let me just show you one of them. look, you see that. what i was talking about there. poke it or whatever. get in there. >> that looks like my dad's calves. >> your dad has nice calves? >> nice calves. >> jimmy: this is going to be the best birthday ever. see you later. all right. great. take care. thanks. [ cheers and applause ] so, they wrote the song. ladies and gentlemen, here now with a special musical birthday tribute to me from fabulous las
vegas, the killers! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ birthday jimmy it's your birthday you're watching the years slip away until the day that you pass away oh birthday jimmy it's your birthday your number of tired jokes are few we're going to dig a grave to hold you how will you die will the people cry to learn you're dead will your heart explode in your chest will you the mourn the sins left unconfessed will it be a car crash twisted metal wreck will you fall down the stairs and break your neck or choke on a bone
drown in the mud jimmy how will it end old man jimmy is soon to die ashes fleet up to the -- ashes float up to the sky old man jimmy you're soon to die maggots crawling out of your eyes ♪ ♪ what do you think of it so far, jim? >> jimmy: well it's -- what happened to the stuff about how awesome i am like my calves and partying and stuff? >> we just thought this was more us. we wanted to give you our take or on it. until we finish it. let's finish the second half. >> jimmy: all right. ♪ birthday jimmy it's your birthday ♪ ♪ grasping for all your yesterdays ♪
♪ as you slowly waste away ♪ how will you die probably crying out in vain from wherever you are ♪ ♪ will you die in place or maybe freeze from starvation to disease will they slit your throat shoot you dead will your brain corrode or on the kamode jimmy where does it end ♪ ♪ old man jimmy is soon to die ♪ ashes float up to the sky ♪ old man jimmy ♪ old man jimmy ♪ is soon to die maggots crawl out of your eyes ♪ ♪ old man jimmy is soon to die
♪ time to go kiss your wife and kids good-bye ♪ ♪ old man jimmy is soon to die ♪ and his body will be covered in flies ♪ ♪ die die die ♪ come on ♪ die die die ♪ old man jimmy's going to die ♪ old man jimmy's going to die ♪ oh jimmy kimmel it's your time to die ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you're welcome. the killers, everybody. really great. thank you so much. hey, we have a great show tonight. eddie cibrian is here. hopefully a better song from the killers. we will be right back with ray
romano. ♪ die die die ♪ die die die ♪ old man jimmy's going to die and the rear seats in the dodge durango fold down perfectly flat. and you know what that's for. huh? ♪ ♪ ♪ get over 1,000 doorbusters this friday 3pm to saturday 1pm like, 60% off outerwear for him and her and 50% off select apparel brands for her.
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for the second night. they were great last night. tomorrow night on the show, sarah silverman will be here. should probably tell her i got married. david blain. music from charlie wilson. join us then. >> jimmy: our first guest is an emmy-winning actor and comedian whose long-term plan to make everyone love him actually seemed to work. you can see him now on "parenthood" - which airs thursday nights on nbc, please welcome ray romano. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> whoa, easy. >> jimmy: very happy to have you here tonight. >> thank you, wow. >> jimmy: everything all right. how are you doing? >> i am good. good to be back. last time i was here, you were not a married man. >> jimmy: right. >> you are married. congratulations. >> jimmy: thank you very much. a lot of me to celebrate
tonight. >> when did you get married? >> jimmy: four months ago to the day. >> really? the first two months are pretty good, yeah. they are. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> then -- eh. >> jimmy: how is it -- i'm scared to answer that question. i got someone asked me the question a month ago. i said fine. i got in a lot of trouble. >> i can say anything i want. my wife doesn't watch anything i am on anymore. nothing, just nothing. she takes it. there is a way to put my name on if i'm on they don't tape it. >> jimmy: reverse tivo, huh? >> reverse tivo. >> jimmy: how are things sgho s? >> we are married 26 years. >> jimmy: a lot of months. >> thank you. thank you. if you don't mind me getting personal, because i just want to live vicariously -- how, sex
must still be pretty -- i mean, pretty good? >> jimmy: great for me. for her it is a chore. what are you going to do? >> that's what they signed up for. >> jimmy: you -- >> it's 25 years. my problem is, i joke a lot about it. but the problem is i just get her mad too many times. she is just constantly angry. and, she is not a bad woman the i don't want to, here is the thing, ladies. >> jimmy: she is very nice. >> you have met her. a nice woman. because when you get mad at us, we, most of the time we deserve it. but i have to just call you on this. there are times when i just can't, i don't know, i just don't know what i did. and this is a perfect example. the other night, she's asleep. she's asleep. i am reading a book next to her. she is sleeping. i shouldn't get into trouble
now. right? >> jimmy: right. yeah. >> she wakes up. looks at me. what are you doing? i got a book. reading a book. oh, i thought we were going to talk? okay. but, you know, you are asleep. you fell asleep. oh, i fell asleep. so right away you pick up a book. no, but seriously. i don't know -- >> jimmy: confusing. >> i don't know how to debate or argue. you can't argue. my advice for you. you are newly married the i know you probably know this. i figured it out. here's what women want. through that argument we had. i figured out, this is, this is my philosophy. women want men to focus on them every waking moment. every, every moment they would like it if you, just, just them. and then when they sleep, you should sketch them. yes.
you don't take a book. you take a sketch. then in case she wakes up. look what i drew. i drew you. i drew you. >> jimmy: how are the children? everything going well with the kids. kids are all still living in the house? >> yeah, three in their 20s. everybody tells me about the empty nest thing. my nest is -- full and -- and it still smells bad. still smells bad. they're all here. my youngest is 15. he is 6'4." >> jimmy: disciplining, my son is 6'5." >> seriously. >> he is 20. >> wow, that's my thing. mine is like a bean pole. he is 15. believe it or not, that's what i get skaecared of. what happens when he can take me? you lose the edge. as matter of fact. speaking of my kids, and my
wife -- told me not to do this. but i want to dupe tho this. i have 20-year-old twin boys. one of them, has been working as a p.a. >> jimmy: matt. matt. >> working since august as a p.a. >> jimmy: very happy to hire him. >> you know as a parent in this business, you knock wood you want your kid not to grow up with a sense of entitlement or thinging he is privileged. >> jimmy: i want to surprise you with this. actually, since you mentioned it. thought we might bring it up the we have actually as memento for your family been recording some of the stuff that your son has been doing here at the show. and -- i thought, you might be, you know. >> for real? >> jimmy: as the a dad. might want to see it. he is very proud. >> all right. >> jimmy: we have it right here. >> yeah, okay. i can't see why not. >> that's mat right there.
>> i need to take a lunch order. >> okay, i'll get the chicken chopped salad with the balsamic. >> i need you to take mied orrer? -- my order. >> my dad is ray romano. >> who? >> ray [ bleep ] romano! >> hey, it's his birthday. great if you could take this upstairs? >> dude, do you know who my dad is? >> i don't. can you drop the cake off, please? >> no, no. this is. >> drop the cake off. ray [ bleep ] romano! >> going to go out after this. to a bar. you should come. >> matt, did you get the photo copies i asked you to make?
>> did you get the photo copies i asked you to make? >> yes. >> are you down? >> good. >> matt? matt? >> this is wrong. >> yeah. >> can you run these over to the writers' room. >> let me ask you something, jimmy. how many people's choice award has your father won? how many people's choice award has your father won? >> none. >> four. my dad has won four. have you heard of him? his name is ray [ bleep ] romano. >> yeah, i know him. hey, tell him i said hi. [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: he is doing really well. he is doing really well. >> he gets that from his mother. >> jimmy: yeah. i think he is backstage. he is working right now, as a matter of fact. he is very popular.
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ray is here. i watch you on "parenthood" every week. not only are you great. it is really a great show. such a good show. >> thank you very much. >> jimmy: excellent. >> thank you. >> jimmy: you have been on great shows, everybody loves raymond, great show. men of a certain age, i loved that show. great show. now parenthood too. >> well that's why, i was a fan of parenthood. men of a certain age got canceled. parenthood was the closest thing like that on television. i called the show, hey, if you find something for me, whatever my agent tells you, i will do better than that. >> jimmy: really? >> they took me up on it. >> jimmy: of course they took you up on it. >> i am not doing it for the money. i am doing i the like the show and like working there. >> jimmy: your agent must have been delighted. and going to las vegas. shows in las vegas. 22nd, 23rd. >> at the mirage. >> jimmy: for the money. you love gambling don't you? >> i love gambling i try not to gamble.
i do that. i mean they pay me pretty good there. but, you know, how much money does my wife need, really? because it goes to her. all goes to her. it's your hometown, vegas, right? >> jimmy: right. >> by the way. i know it is your birthday today. >> jimmy: uh-huh. thank you. how did you know about that? did i mention that? >> yes, you did mention it. i listened to the song by the killers. yes. but i literally found out, on the drive here, called up my assistant, running late in traffic. by the way it's jimmy's birthday. i was like, i want to get something. you have been nice to my kid. >> jimmy: not necessary. >> i hate coming out anything. i just grabbed. got to be honest. i was mine car, i just got whatever i could. >> jimmy: fine. >> from my car. but the thought. really the thought that counts. >> okay. it's, this is my coin holder $1.80. that's for you.
you can hatch that. >> jimmy: thank you. >> my thing, compass thing. >> nice. >> tried to wrap something really quick. you want to look at that if you want. >> jimmy: thomas guide. that's nice. >> little antiquated. if you saw movie "gravity" satellite systems can go down at any time. you are going to need that. whenever i am in traffic this calms me down, a flute. >> jimmy: recorder. nice. i had one of these really nice. >> this is actually. being truthful here, if you ever want to go in the carpool lane, inflatable doll. yeah. that's for you. >> jimmy: that's nice. >> got a couple, couple of patches. used to have a convertible, that's all. finally, this, i got four of these. my wife doesn't want them all in the house. a people's choice award. >> jimmy: oh, wow.
wow. that's really nice. ray romano. thursdays on nbc "parenthood" thank you. thank you very much. we'll be right back with eddie cibrian. avo: this holiday tech the halls with great deals on the best brands at radioshack crafted with a touch of tequila, wine, and whiskey, by our highly skilled show-offs -- i mean chefs. are you really going to do this every time? new marsala mushroom sirloin and chicken & shrimp tequila tango. starting at $9.99. two new reasons to see you tomorrow.
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>> jimmy: still to come the killers will be here. you know our next guest from movies, tv shows and from every celebrity news magazine ever printed. his new movie "the best man holiday" opens friday. please welcome eddie cibrian. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: i didn't realize when you walked out. you are what i would look like if i were handsome. >> not true. by the way, hair and makeup took a long time for me back there. >> jimmy: you could play me in
the tv movie. a guy that always looks a little bit better, a lot bit better if i feel like i know too much about your personal life. we have not met. because your wife leeanne rimes has been here, very nice, in a dispute with your ex-wife, on the real housewives, must have been a heck of a thrill to learn she was on that show. they're always fighting over twitter and on the tv show, but you kind of stay out of it, don't you? >> well, i do. look i think there are some people who are just kind of born stew to create drama and capitalize them. >> jimmy: you married both of them. >> i learned from the first marriage not to do it on the second. >> jimmy: as long as you learn a lesson. leeann when she was here said she writes songs based on things that happen between the two of you. does she get your permission if
she is writing abe aing about a thing or bad thing. >> one of the unfortunate things to be married to a songwriter the really horrible moments that you share and the really great moments you share could end up in a song. she will go and write the song, tell me i wrote a song about you. oh, really, a good song? she goes, you'll see. >> jimmy: oh, really. you don't hear it until it's recorded. >> i don't hart. for instance, a song on her new album called "you ruined me." about me. >> jimmy: that is not a bad, you ruined me. >> a good thing. sound like it is going to be a bad thing. but a good thing. >> jimmy: see how you would be alarmed. god help me if you ever breakup. i hope you are together forever. >> so do i. >> jimmy: you are going to do a reality show together. >> doing a show. >> jimmy: you don't lake to cikl it reality. >> i don't know what reality is. we looked at each other.
saw majority of reality shows. the cast members get to consume a lot of alcohol, fight, throw things. we said why don't we do that, sound like fun, let's join them? >> jimmy: when is that going? taping already? >> yeah, in the midst right now. just finishing it up. it will air in july. >> jimmy: the movie you are in is sequel to a movie made quite a while ago called "best man" now -- how long ago? >> 14 years ago. >> jimmy: one of the movies that has become more and more popular over the years from running on cable. now they made, and you are -- like the only white guy in this movie is that true? >> is it that obvious, really? i realized it was that obvious, i took my 10-year-old and 6-year-old movies to the leeann, watching movie. best man holiday trailer came on. great trailer. soon as my face showed up. my youngest son goes, daddy, that's you.
yeah, just be quiet. quiet. trailer ended. very feel good trailer. people were clapping, laughing. my youngest son goes, why are you the only white dude in the movie? >> eat your popcorn, son. >> jimmy: congratulations on that. and you know, i think, this reality show could turn out to be a terrible, terrible idea. >> it probably will. probably will. >> jimmy: probably will. i want it known that i warned you. eddie cibrian "the best man holiday" opens friday. we'll be right back with the killers. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪
♪ i'm coming out of my cage ♪ ♪ and i've been doing just fine ♪ ♪ gotta gotta gotta be down ♪ ♪ because i want it all ♪ it started out with a kiss how did it end up like this? ♪ ♪ it was only a kiss it was only a kiss ♪ ♪ now i'm falling asleep and she's calling a cab ♪ ♪ while he's having a smoke and she's taking a drag ♪ ♪ now they're going to bed and my stomach is sick ♪ ♪ and it's all in my head ♪ but she's touching his chest ♪ ♪ now he takes off her dress ♪ ♪ let me go ♪ i just can't look it's killing me ♪ ♪ it's taking control ♪ jealousy
lullaby choking on your alibi but it's just the price i pay destiny is calling me ♪ ♪ open up my eager eyes ♪ because i'm mr. brightside ♪ i'm coming out of my cage ♪ ♪ and i've been doing just fine ♪ ♪ gotta gotta gotta be down ♪ ♪ because i want it all ♪ it started out with a kiss how did it end up like this? ♪ ♪ it was only a kiss ♪ now i'm falling asleep and she's calling a cab ♪ ♪ while he's having a smoke and she's taking a drag ♪ ♪ now they're going to bed and my stomach is sick ♪ ♪ and it's all in my head ♪ but she's touching his chest ♪ ♪ now he takes off her dress ♪