tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC December 13, 2013 11:35pm-12:36am PST
normally with something from the news. something that's happening today. but all i can think about right now -- i'm being feasted on by bugs. for the last month these mysterious bug bites have been showing up on my body, and i have no idea where they come from. they look like mosquito bites but there are no mosquitos around. i haven't been in the wood. i almost never go outside. i avoid grass and fresh air and any place you might find any living creature. the closest i've been to camping is driving by a line of people sleeping outside best buy on friday. but i still keep getting these bug bites. it is like shimalon is directing a movie on my body.
i have three on my stomach that itch. one showed up on my wrist this morning. i have one on my leg. i'm used to being at the top of the food chain. i don't like this at all. i haven't been to the doctor because i think the doctor won't know what it is and will think it is stupid. but i looked it up on the internet. according to web md, i'm four months pregnant with a litter of cats. you can't rely on that. but it's been happening for about a month now. i never get a lot -- usually i have about five, but it's like they are moving around and they itch and they are redder than mosquitos bites. i've narrowed it down to three causes. bedbugs, fleas. or i'm undergoing the slowest transformation into a werewolf ever. i would love know what they are. you want to see one? it is small. you might not -- don't get too excited. but it's small. there's one here on my legs. that look like anything? does that look abnormal? bitten by a volkswagen bug. anyway, here is the message to
all of the bugs in my bed watching the show. keep it up. i'm going to start biting back and it won't be playful when i do it. well, assuming i make it through the show, we have a good one for you tonight. truly exceptional actor with us. he played the dragon in the new hobbit movie, benedict cumberbatch is here. i don't know what his middle name is. but i'd like to know. that is a lot of name, benedict cumberbatch. fortunately, my other guest tonight is named r. so it bounces back. here to talk and play music from his new album "black panties", r. kelly is with us. it's all part of guests who couldn't have any less in common night. you know, justin bieber is busy traveling around the world as part of his piss off every
continent tour. he was in australia where again he spray painted a wall. he sprayed graffiti on the side of a hotel. look at this. i mean, there must be 50 cans of spray paint there. i guess when you have artistic talent like that, it is hard to keep it in. but this is something he's done in multiple countries now. he did it in brazil. he did it in colombia. now he's done it in australia. the world is justin bieber's coloring book. he is just not good at staying inside the lines. but the mayor of the city he was with did not like it. he issued an ultimatum which is where all of the important politicians turned to. here is what the mayor had to say. >> here from australia's gold coast. i have a message for pop prince, justin bieber. we love your music. >> did he say justin beaver? go back. see if we can -- >> i have a message for pop prince justin bieber. we love your music but hate your vandalism.
mate, you have two choices. come back and clean up your mess and come back and sing at the mayor's christmas carols this sunday. make me a belieber. >> mr. mayor, that's not how it works. no one can make you a belieber, you have to belieb. there were new allegations today against toronto mayor rob ford, more details from a police report, that they've been reviewing, releasing little pieces of it. today gang members were caught on wiretaps saying they have photos of mayor ford doing heroin, which is weird. because i thought he had an exclusive deal with crack. i didn't know. the tapes, which are part of the report also suggested the mayor spent quality time with people who have been charged with drug and prostitution related
offenses. in one call, an alleged gang member was asked to bring mayor ford drugs at a residence police believed to be a crack house. and a few hours later another alleged gang member was overheard saying he had pictures of mayor ford doing the hezza which is canadian for heroin, i guess. i don't know. as if that doesn't enough, there is information the mayor tried to buy infamous video of him smoking crack. and they wanted $500,000 and a car. sound like he would make a good game show host. i hope, seriously, i hope they get him on "dancing with the stars." because that would just be the greatest thing ever. in the meantime, with all this going on, the man continues to enjoy himself. he was at the maple leafs game last night. looks like that weight loss program he keeps talking about is working wonders. he was at a game sunday.
bills in toronto. he was swarmed with people taking pictures with him. several of the gentlemen you see here are reportedly members of the hells angels. very clean cut hells angels they have there. bob ford looks more like a hells angel than the hells angels. >> he was criticized for that. >> i wasn't aware i was taking a picture with a hells angel. >> well, in fact, i'm not aware of anything at all. >> rob ford closing out 2013, strong. very strong. my cousin brought this to me. this is from the preschool her 2-year-old goes to. we know it is the holiday season and everyone is in a festive mood. however please note if we smell alcohol on your breath at pick-up time, we will not release your child to you. this is state law and huge liability to us. please adhere to this law and let's not make it a difficult situation for both parties. all you have to do is have a baby-sitter for a few hours. there's a reminder. how many parents have to show up drunk for it to make this school newsletter as a reminder?
more than three, right? maybe five, maybe ten. i don't know. imagine being the teacher in charge of this. mary, you're on parent-sniffing doubty today. i wish they would name names. if we smell alcohol on your breath, we will not release your child to you, tammy porello. so don't show up drunk to pick up your kid. guillermo, you never show up drunk to pick up your kids, do you? >> no, never. >> you never show up drunk to pick up benji? >> no. >> but benji doesn't ever go to school. >> no. >> you ever come home drunk to him? hey, do you know any other kids named benji? >> no. i think he is the only one. >> i asked because something
called baby center just released the top baby names of 2013. top names for boyes this year is jackson. top girls name is sophia. a lot of people, apparently, get names from television. names from the show ""duck dynasty"" were up 89% this year. someone out there, there's a toddler named uncle sy. england is also picking up names from our tv shows. in england, the name skylar is up 70% and jesse up 80%. both names use owned breaking bad. and they like homeland because brodie is up a hundred percent and kerry up 2 00%. at least they are solid. in the '80s we had urkel and blossom. a new study found that the state where people cursed the moment, where they used the most profanity, is ohio. most of those curse words are directly followed by the word
lebron. the data was collected -- they examined more than 600,000 phone calls to businesses. you know, the one that tells you your call is being monitor. this is why they are monitoring the calls. study found that ohioans curse every 150 conversations. my aunt chippy curses 150 times every one conversation. maryland came in second followed by new jersey, louisiana and illinois. wow, new york. what happened to you? ohio doesn't seem like the kind of place that would lead the nation in profanity. but the study says it does. in fact, i saw a local news broadcast out of akron this morning. they might have the study right. >> yesterday was dubbed the black friday of charity giving and residents of akron came out in full force. [ bleep ] yeah, they did. >> james spader high school didn't have enough money to redo their [ bleep ] football field so they got together and did what they do best, get it [ bleep ] done. it should be finished this weekend. in time for the rebels to take on the [ bleep ].
that big bleep forecast. >> holy [ bleep ]. it is going to be a beautiful [ bleep ] weekend. [ bleep ] yeah! >> cindy is really -- we're going to take a break. when we come back, you're going to like this, i think. we have a very, very special performance of one of r. kelly's new songs, but it won't be performed by r. kelly. it'll be performed by a another person. r. kelly and benedict cumberbatch will be here. so it will be smart to cumberbatch. please do. [ cheers and applause ]
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♪ no presents beneath the tree? ♪ ♪ wait a minute, now i see ♪ my gifts are above me ♪ that's my kind of holiday welcome back. benedict cumberbatch, and r. kelly. are with here with us tonight. and we will get to them in good time. i want to tell you about something that happened to me in poland. when i with a is a kid, there were are a lot of jokes made about people in poland. guillermo, did you know that? >> no. >> it was a thing in the '70s.
don't get manned. jokes like, how do you stop a polish army on horse back? stop the carousel. they were stupid jokes. like dumb jokes. like, did you hear about the polish man that locked his keys in the car? >> no. >> he had to use a coat hanger to get his family out. you see what i'm saying? i never understood why people picked the polish to make jokes about. until today when i saw this. imagine them in a space program. maybe we should get them going
again. the merriam-webster dictionary announced their word for 2013. their word is science. first of all, i think it's cute that they think we're still using dictionaries. but they base this decision on how many times the word science was looked up on their website. searches for the word science increased 176%. but my theory is, people were trying to type side boob and it auto corrected. because who is looking up the word science. like looking up the word dirt. it's dirt. i don't know. if you ask me, the real world of
the year is cumberbatch, this year. [ cheers and applause ] as i mentioned earlier, we have an eclectic mix of guests tonight. so i wanted to figure out a way to bring them together, and i think we have. here now is the reading of the actual lyrics from r. kelly's song "genius" from the forthcoming album "black panties." i give you oscar nominee, benedict cumberbatch. >> so freakin' -- i can't wait to turn you on. you got me like la la la la la. baby. it's how you make me feel. baby. i can feel your body flowers, while i'm kissing on your sides.
you got me, like, la la la la. baby. anticipation so crazy. i'll be good to you. promise. while making love to you, promise. go to sleep. and when we wake up, i'm going to hit that thing again. i promise. >> thank you. watch your back. cumberbatch is in town. you know, when i showed up for work this morning, there was a group of women camped out waiting for benedict. who was that? you guys. okay.
he is very popular with the ladies. and i'm happy to announce that he is par laying that popularity into reality television. he brought an exclusive look to his new project, what we have right now. >> this january, love crosses the pond. >> oh, my gosh, he is way cuter in person. >> and so pretty to look at. i'm like, oh -- he's a man. >> it was amazing. >> r. kelly is here and we'll be right back with benedict cumberbatch. modern/remixed version ♪
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>> jimmy: welcome back. tonight on the program, his album "black panties" already won four grammies for this cover alone. here to sing with us, r. kelly. here to chat and sing for us r. kelly from the sony outdoor stage. tomorrow night jason schwartzman will be here from "scandal" guillermo diaz will be with us. and we'll have music from jake owen. our first guest is an emmy and golden globe-nominated actor whom you know from "star trek: into darkness" and "sherlock 2" you can hear him give voice to a hobbit-broiling dragon in "the hobbit: the desolation of smaug," which opens in theaters december 13th, please welcome benedict cumberbatch. welcome.
how are you? >> very good. very good. >> jimmy: i have to tell you, that before -- calm down, you animals. wow. justin bieber level. >> yeah. what have you been feeding them in it's crazy. >> jimmy: they want to eat you is what is happening. one of the ladies here, took plea days off from work. to come here. drove by herself. >> is she going to have a job when she comes back? >> jimmy: she has a job. no friend, but she has a job. then after shot she is driving back up to san francisco by herself. sadly, alone.
>> where are you? put the window down. drink lots of coffee. thanks very much. >> you're welcome. >> jimmy: that made the trip for her right there. before i had seen you -- and by the way, you are just a fantastic actor. before i had even seen you act, when i heard your name or read your name, i think, i would like to meet this guy. because -- >> didn't you do a segment on your show a few years back, and it was like a sandwich board asking people, what the hell these groups of letters meant. >> yeah. what is a cumberbatch. >> did someone say, is it an std or something? >> jimmy: yeah. >> and my parents think you're funny -- >> jimmy: your parents were actors as well. >> yes. still are. >> jimmy: still are. one of the guys that works here has the serious hots for your mom. >> it was embarrassing earlier. i meet guy elevators that say, i used to really like your mom. she's really hot. what do i say? if i say, no, she's not, then that's insulting to my mom. >> jimmy: i apologize but they are right.
when did you first come to hollywood, los angeles. >> i came out to promote a film, maybe four or five years ago, even longer than that. i can't quite remember. it was out here to promote the film. and i kind of loved it. i came out for a week's holiday with my girlfriend at the time and we had a blast. i sort of came out to the airport and turned into a complete sort of english cliche, got the mustang convertible, the hotel on the strip and was just driving around going yeah, cool. this is great. >> jimmy: being here, we don't think of it in those terms. but yes, when people come to
england -- >> say, yup. >> jimmy: you're the only ones enjoying yourselves. >> or with the roof down when it is raining. >> jimmy: yeah, just soaking up that california and hollywood -- >> yeah. >> jimmy: and are you close to a lot of american culture? >> a little bit, yeah. i was saying to back stage, your researchers, the kodak threeter across from you, watching the premier "the hobbit", it was incredible, the audience participation, a vocal thing to be an american audience. but it was like "happy days." wooh! we are so much more sober in our appreciation. so it is a dynasty, yeah? >> jimmy: you have such a good way of looking at it. it doesn't make a lot of sense. but on sitcoms, we go crazy. >> i saw terry jones and she is superb. but the minutes the lights were on everyone says wooh! how do you stay in character. >> jimmy: that happened to you when you walked out here tonight. you realize that, right?
>> it does happen. but i don't have to go into monologue. >> jimmy: that is true. but a movie like this. like the hobbit movies, and "star trek", you experienced the same thing. people are rabid about the work itself. then you get thrown into the middle of it. >> yeah. which is kind of -- it is scary. but you just -- you can't go and please everyone. you have to just kind of fulfill the promise of the director and you know, that's the thing you are serving on a daily basis and your fellow cast and script. and yeah, i think everyday i step onset is kind of star trek and thought about what it meant to trekkies. i would have cried and run home. i can hear a lot of trekkies
say, i wish you had, man. >> jimmy: no, i think you were universally accepted. j.j. abrams, was saying, a few days ago, that he wishes that he -- it was a big secret that you would play khan -- >> a huge secret. i just bury it all the time. and it was just a bit vague about it and talking about john harrison. and yeah, maybe we shouldn't have done that. and i think, oh, my god. months of our lives of white lies. i'm going straight to hell for that. maybe you shouldn't have done that. >> so you keep this totally quiet. >> i'm teasing him. he is a master story teller. and i really appreciate the idea that people go into the cinema and have that kind of, again, that kind of fun with the "happy days" moment, going, what? and i saw the first screening like the premier here in the states. and the thrill, when i said, you know, khan and it hear that action in a live audience was terrific. made all of the lying worthwhile. >> jimmy: have you met henry winkler, by the way, who plays the fonz?
>> i have never met him. >> jimmy: i'm going to hire him to walk into your house in the middle of the day and see what happens. >> he will make a cup of tea and i will say, oh, all right. >> jimmy: he demands a huge round of applause whenever he enters a home. i hope you're up to it. now, the hobbit, you plays the dragon. >> which is a great thing to say, yeah. >> jimmy: you do voice over. i almost said caption but we -- >> we did the characters -- >> jimmy: oh, you did -- >> this is getting a bit weird. i feel if i did that -- why is that funny? >> jimmy: we don't know. they are super horny right now. >> the motion captioning is -- >> jimmy: they heard the word captioner in motion and -- maybe imagining you in one of those
tight body suits. >> yeah, i -- just evaporate if you saw me in that body suit. there ain't nothing erotic about that [ bleep ], i can tell you that. a great onesie with a lot of dots on it. it's not pretty but it works. >> jimmy: we have a clip of the film but the movie studio doesn't want to reveal -- >> here is the thing. i know you got it a bit late and we talked about sexy things. but the thing about -- you have full dragon nudity if you show all of him. so it is like bleep when you swear or a black thing covering your bits. i this i they decided to spare the audience that and just black the whole screen out. so it is to protect this sort of -- >> jimmy: so stay with us. no technical difficulties here. we are trying not to ruin the movie for you at home. a clip from "the hobbit: the desolation of smaug."
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>> jimmy: we have music from our next guest -- >> jimmy: our next guest believes he can fly, and i, for one, am inclined to take his word for it. he's a grammy winning singer and songwriter with a new album called "black panties" please welcome r. kelly. >> jimmy: how's it going. >> how do you doing, baby. >> jimmy: good to see you. i know you came if on a bus last night. >> yeah. >> jimmy: hard it believe that a guy who says, i believe can i fly, rides a bus.
>> i knew you were going to say that. i believe i can fly, i can play football. and i actually fly sometimes. i don't know why you guys were laughing when he said black panties. >> jimmy: where did you name it black panties. >> it was on my last show, a song called, "sing when you're ready", you wouldn't know nothing about that. >> jimmy: i'm every ready. >> and panties started flying out of everywhere. >> jimmy: and yet another thing i don't know anything about. >> like my pendergraft moment came.
but then a pair came flying and landed on my microphone and i looked at that like a sign. >> jimmy: wow. i got to tell you, i was listening to the album, going through some of the lyrics. and i feel like i -- there's so much i could learn from you. >> you could, man. you could. >> jimmy: i'm a college grad girl, i got my degree. on the head of my class tonight. you're lying with a sex genius. now, how do you know you're a sex genius? >> women have a way of letting you know when you got it right. >> jimmy: i don't know that either. >> poor baby. how long have you had this problem? >> jimmy: do you have any love making tips for me? >> you know, "black panties" book will be coming soon. >> is there going to be a book? an accompaniment? >> there has to be. >> jimmy: oh, there has to be. you know, trapped in the closet
is one of my favorites. not one of my favorite videos or songs, one of my favorite things ever, ever. like right up there with like, you know, blow-pops. really. >> blow-pops have been around for a very long time. trapped in the closet will be around just as long. >> jimmy: i think it will. i heard you were working on a movie version of this or tv version. is that true? >> yes. and broadway play. >> jimmy: and a broadway play as well. do you have an idea, because when i look at it, i go, where else can he go with this? there's no place left. >> well, trapped in the closet is about life. it is like an alien man, i don't know how this stuff comes to me. i get in the studio and doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. all these characters come alive within myself and i just start it write what i see in my head.
>> jimmy: and you take inspiration from anything. have you a song called "remote control." >> oh you know about that one. >> jimmy: i know everything. you were inspired by a remote control. you were watching tv and -- >> and the remote wouldn't work. i started rubbing on it. you don't hit a remote. you will knock the hell out of the remote. you have to caress it. >> jimmy: see, i'm learning. i'm really learning. all right. did that get it going? >> that got it going, baby. and i said, oh, man, i can write a song about a remote control.
>> jimmy: when you started out, you performed on the street. you would sing for people. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i wonder if this story is true. you were outside of mcdonald's, and you would sing about the mcdonald's. >> yeah. i would always try to figure out, how can i get paid. how can i get people to pay me. because they would give me 50 cents or like a dollar or two. but how can i get like 50s and hundreds and things like that. i did get 50s and 100s when i start noticing people had like dominos bags in their hands or subway. upstairs there was a mcdonald's. i thought, if i start singing about mcdonald's while they have the bag in their hand, they would be like, wow, this guy is really good. you know what i'm saying? and it worked. it worked. >> jimmy: and when you sing about the food items themselves? like a song about the mcnuggets or was it just in general? >> if i didn't think i would get if trouble, i would sing it for you on tv. >> jimmy: i don't think would you get if trouble. >> it would go, mcdonald's is
"nightline" is next, but first his new album called "black panties" is out tuesday playing a medley of songs with a little help from 2 chainz r. kelly ♪ ♪ body's so freakin' soft i can't wait to turn it on you got me like la-la-la-la-la baby ♪ ♪ is how you make me feel baby i can feel your body flowers while i'm kissing ♪ ♪ on your thighs you got me like la-la-la-la baby anticipations so crazy ♪ ♪ i'll be good to you promise while making love to you promise go to sleep ♪ ♪ and when we wake up i'ma hit
that thing again promise signs and miracles up ♪ ♪ in this room la-la-la-la while i'm pleasing you la-la-la-la ♪ ♪ i'm blessed with the insight to please your body girl tonight you're lying ♪ ♪ with a sex genius nothing like the ordinary i'm a love wonder tonight you're lying ♪ ♪ with a sex genius baby girl ♪ this is my story yeah i'm from that chi-town dirt i went from being broke ♪ ♪ to sleeping in versace shirts this is my story money cars bad ♪ ♪ this is my story ay-ay-ay-ay-ay and i'm stickin' to it and i'm stickin' to it ♪ ♪ and i'm stickin' to it and i'm stickin' to it ♪ a victim to it your conversation is sanitation ain't no hesitation ♪ ♪ when i finna do it i stick it in switch it up and try to hit a friend ♪ ♪ live it up and count my
dividends roll like cinnamon whoa big face benjamin's ♪ ♪ as she lookin' at me like ye'en ain't nothin' but a star i look at her ♪ ♪ hey this is nothing but a car if you ride with them you ain't going that far ♪ ♪ but if you ride with me crib so big we can play hide-and-seek you can confide to me ♪ ♪ ride me like i ride the beat pilot seat i need a co-pilot kiss a ass in both mouths ♪ ♪ them talking both lips what you know 'bout boat trips drop her ass at the chocolate factory ♪ ♪ we did them twelve plays yeah and you know who you is girl we been since ♪ ♪ the twelfth grade last time was the last time yeah that man gonna make you cry yeah ♪ ♪ he playing you baseline yeah but you don't need the drama you're too fine ♪ ♪ you need to fly no doubt i can fly you just holler out your destination ♪ ♪ i know the route he'll fly the plane girl bail out he the type ♪
♪ of player gonna bore you i'm the type of player gonna spoil you i can get you lost ♪ ♪ in those islands girl eat lobster crabs and live royal i need you around ♪ ♪ you must he can buy you flowers girl and put rose gold in your ears ♪ ♪ patron shots overseas make you forget your fears you look like you need saving superman right here ♪ ♪ girl i know that he hurt you i got that kind of sex that heals ♪ ♪ these fellas out here fragile yeah gonna let me keep it real you deserve better babe ♪ ♪ yeah messin' with this clown pack your bags and we can leave now girl ♪ ♪ don't let 'em bring you down you deserve better babe let a real player ♪ ♪ bring you wealth these lames bad for your health you can do better ♪ ♪ by yourself you deserve better babe all i wanna do is see you happy baby ♪ ♪ that's all i wanna do is see