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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  May 20, 2014 11:35pm-12:38am PDT

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>> have a good night, everyone. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- johnny knoxville. dave salmoni and wild animals. and music from timeflies. with cleto and the cletones. and now, first of all, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ "jimmy kimmel live" and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you for watching.
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thank you for coming to visit us here. guillermo and i are very grateful. here is how it will work. have some laughs, a couple drinks and see where the night takes us, okay. before we get going, i want to mention something. like most americans i spend a lot of my time at workshoping online. that's why the show isn't very good. so i was on the william sonoma website buying a multichopper, i always look at the sale section to see what else i can buy that i don't need. i came across this item. a chocolate easter bunny. which was reduced from $14.95 to $9.99. and i have a number of question as but this. the only one that matters, who is buying chocolate easter bunnies in may? i mean, it's not like chocolate isn't available in other shapes. can you imagine your wife comes home, a full month after easter, sitting at the kitchen table chocolate bunny all over your face.
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probably dial 911, right. if you did buy a chocolate bunny, if you were to purchase an out of season candy rabbit would you order it by mail? i mean, if your chocolate bunny isn't an impulse purchase, what is? listen, kids, next year wondering why your bunny is petrified and white, it's because your cheapskate mom and dad bought it marked down and hit it behind a bag of lentils for 11 months. [ cheers and applause ] i guess my point with all of this is you learn incredible things when you subscribe to the william sonoma online discount chocolate club. we have a lot tonight. our friend johnny knoxville. a version of "bad grandpa" about the life of donald sterling owner of the clippers. our other guest is dave from
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animal planet. interesting when you see dave pull up with a lion in his prius. he has ferocious creatures, bearkat, desert linx, and crocodile. tonight america will vote and we will release one of the animals on to hollywood boulevard. i want to check in with dave. that's not dave. dave, oh, dave. dave, i thought -- i was worried you had been eaten for a second. >> no, lucky enough. hanging out in here. >> jimmy: what's the difference between a crocodile and alligator. >> crocodiles are grumpy. >> jimmy: demeanor? >> alligator is relaxed. this is a crocodile. and grumpier. >> jimmy: both can eat a talk show host? >> absolutely. >> jimmy: want to ask something about it, not animal related. i found pictures online. wonder if you can tell me what is going on. this one looked like you are
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wrapped in cheesecloth or something. what is that from, dave? >> not sure what that is from. think you maybe chute beatyou se googling me. >> jimmy: you in the hospital. another picture i wanted to get, might require a little more explanation. [ cheers and applause ] >> is this from "playgirl's" animal -- >> a fun shoot. you have off to be nicier. i am bringing the animals out. >> i should be nice to you. >> these are the jokes you should be telling after i'm gone. >> jimmy: you are absolutely right, dave. dave, put on your corset. dave, and the animals, and johnny knoxville, might be our most dangerous show ever. and if gary busey shows up. run! good advice in general, by the way. the nba is moving forward with the plan to remove donald sterling from the league. yesterday the league formally
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notified him of its intention to terminate his ownership of the l.a. clippers. and they also let him know that his face looks like a bag of melted silly putty. [ applause ] they gave donald sterling until tuesday to respond. his lawyer is asking for a three-month extension so he can have time to prepare. i will fell you what is going to happen here. he is stalling. donald sterling is a staller. he is going to keep this in court until he dies. he is basically trying to run out the clock on being alive. meanwhile, facebook, i don't know, if you noticed this, facebook spawned yet another way to be part of our privacy. called the ask button. have you seen the ask button? works like this. if you decide to to leave part of your profile blank, other people can use the ask button to request that you share the information you neglected to share in the first place. like your hometown, where you work, your relationship status. i don't know this seems out of character for facebook.
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not in their nature to pry into our personal information. you have to be friend with somebody before they can use the ask button. facebook friends, not real friends. if you were a real friend you would know if they're in a relationship. it is a weird thing -- that you have off to ask to share this. i say, if i want people to ask about my relationship status, i go to a cousin's wedding like everyone else. what facebook really needs, a why button, to explain all the dumb stuff that they're posting. if they've don't have a why -- hang on a second. don't act like you aren't. ha-ha. they have an ask button. you cannot ignore it either. or, it might wind up like this. >> yeah, so it's like, i'll be in one movie together. looks pretty cool. >> cool. we should go see it together. >> freeze!
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police! >> what is your relationship status? >> you left your relationship status empty? what are you? >> weep just started stating, it's not official yet. >> it ain't facebook official. do it. >> i'm trying. >> there. there. there. >> okay. >> now, take an adorable couple selfie. >> no, please, everyone hates those. >> do it! >> put your phone up, do it! >> done. done. done. done! >> okay. >> congratulations on your love. >> that was crazy. >> so crazy. >> so crazy. >> make a baby. facebook loves babies! >> why would you do that
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facebook! >> jimmy: they're very tough. this video is getting a lot of attention online. a couple of weeks ago a guy named jesse was sitting outside a kroger supermarket in irving, texas. sitting playing his guitar. does this regularly. a manager of a dollar star, jamie, happened to be walking by started recording with his phone. we are lucky he did. he captured an impromptu jam session that in three days online already has 7 million views. watch this. ♪ what i need to say ♪ oh ♪ say >> that's good.
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♪ i don't know what you can do ♪ i don't know what you can do ♪ >> jimmy: they're pretty good. right? it's a guy, the guy was outside the store. just joined in, started singing. then a couple minutes later, another guy who happens to know how to rap joined in too. ♪ snoeme ♪ just don't know >> bring it in. ♪ i don't know what's going on ♪ keep my head up high ♪ if i make it out alive ♪ well i will just try
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♪ i would just get down on my knees and pray ♪ ♪ uh-huh ♪ ♪ [ indiscernible singing ] ♪ sometimes i just don't know >> whoa! >> jimmy: all right. i saw the video, i saw it early on. a lot of people were tweeting me asking if i orchestrated it, a video hoax. i would love to claim responsibility. i had nothing to do with it. the guy who shot the video is in the audience, jamie. why did you record it? >> i heard the beat. i loved the music. he was playing. and everybody was at the right place at the right time. >> jimmy: had you seen jesse performing outside the store
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before? >> that was my first day in that area. >> jimmy: you posted tight facebook. the response, i would have to say imagine it surprised you. >> it has been. i have no words to explain how big it was. >> jimmy: it was instantaneous. ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: look at this. >> what's going on, guys? ♪ this is my life all i wished for all i've wasted this is my time good sensations motivations oh you know we both tried i've been down and i've been wasted i don't think i got no patience to say what i need to say ♪ ♪ i don't think that i ♪ will say what i need
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f >>. ♪ i don't know what you can do ♪ i don't know what you can do say i don't know what you can do ♪ ♪ no ♪ so i've don't know what you can do ♪ ♪ just don't know know, know ♪ ♪ i just don't know ♪ know, know ♪ because i am really here what's going on ♪ ♪ and one of these days ♪ say what say what ♪ ♪ sometimes i just don't know ♪ tell them that i just don't
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know f♪ ♪ know, know ♪ tell them that i just don't know ♪ ♪ tell them that i just don't know ♪ ♪ tell them that know ♪ ♪ tell them that i just don't know ♪ ♪ know know know know ♪ tell them that i just don't know ♪ >> jimmy: trey songz, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ tell them that i just don't know ♪ tell them that i just don't
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know ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ tell them that i just don't know ♪ ♪ that i have but i been with yeah ♪ ♪ say i don't know ♪ say i don't know ♪ say i don't know ♪ say i don't know ♪ tell them that i just don't know ♪ ♪ know ♪ ♪ tell them that i just don't know ♪ ♪ know know know know ♪ tell them that i just don't know ♪ ♪ tell them that i just don't know ♪ ♪ tell them that i just don't
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know ♪ ♪ know know know ♪ yeah ♪ whoo-hoo-hoo ♪ tell them that i just don't know ♪ ♪ tell them that i just don't know ♪ ♪ that i don't think that it is on our side ♪ ♪ just don't know ♪ tell them that i just don't know ♪ ♪ know know ♪ jimmy tell them that i just don't know ♪ ♪ thanks, guys. >> jimmy: he doesn't know. >> thank you, jesse. that was beautiful. that's jesse, howard, ronald -- also known as three random dudes -- and that was trey songz, aloe blacc, and juicy j playing along. we'll be right back with johnny knoxville.
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also try new listerine® naturals. the only mouthwash that combines the power of listerine® with naturally sourced ingredients. honestly, the off-season isn't i've got a lot to do. that's why i got my surface. it's great for watching game film and drawing up plays. it's got onenote, so i can stay on top of my to-do list, which has been absolutely absurd since the big game. with skype, it's just really easy to stay in touch with the kids i work with. alright, russell you are good to go! alright, fellas. alright, russ.
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back to work!
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>> jimmy: tonight on the program -- a man who won't be happy until i lose a foot. here with yet another pack of wild animals -- from animal planet, dave salmoni. and then, their album is called "after hours." timeflies from the at&t stage. chyron: twitter we've got a good show for you tomorrow night with adam sandler, elle fanning, and music from lykke li. so please join -- and a new
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installment of "mean tweets" as well. join us for that tomorrow. >> jimmy: our first guest tonight is perfectly fine with others but a bonafide danger to himself. he is the co-founder of the vast empire known as "jackass." >> sir, can you help me get these beers to my car. i'm sorry. >> no problem. >> how are you doing today? well i have been better. my wife just died recently. so working myself through it. i'm so sorry. i apologize. >> is that a dead person in your trunk? >> it's my wife, elle. "jackass presents bad grandpa 0.5." ava available for download june 3rd and comes out on blu-ray july 8th. please welcome,
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johnny knoxville. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: very good to see you. always glad when you come here. i know you are still alive. >> that is very sweet. thank you. >> jimmy: you are alive. you have a pulse and everything. how are you? how you doing? >> i am doing wonderful. thank you for asking. >> jimmy: you have been on the show a couple of times, talking about bad grandpa. the trailer premiere, the movie came out. and now this is like, what is 0.5 exactly? >> first, thank you for selling the hell out of our film. and this, "bad grandpa .5" since we had a story for this one so many things didn't make it into the movie. so many funny things, spike jones, gloria, katherine keener, in our movie. but there was a story. she didn't make it in. you see that on bad grandpa 0.5.
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>> jimmy: took the great stuff didn't fit in two hours allotted. the stuff that didn't make the cut. >> and a lot of embarrassing behind the scenes stuff. >> jimmy: there is? >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: what could possibly embarrass you? >> well, i always say that we don't know what we are doing, but when you see "bad grandpa 0.5" we really don't know what we were doing. >> jimmy: the movie was nominated for an oscar. >> the makeup. makeup. >> jimmy: still nominated for an oscar. >> yes, yes. we really did good in the make yum commumakeup community. the makeup was amazing. we made a mistake of sending the screener out to all the oscar voters. within the first five minutes. i get my jim dog stuck in a coke machine. we -- >> jimmy: must you call it jim dog and use my name in that way. >> my jimmy dog. my little bitty jimmy dog.
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>> jimmy: that you think that's what sunk you as far as oscar voting goes. >> yeah, that and a lot of other stuff. >> jimmy: for those who haven't seen. your character, bad grandpa. you have a grandson in the movie. i know you fell in love with this kid. brought him here. >> oh, god, he is hell on wheels. and his parents have been kec keeping in touch with him. >> get pictures all the time. he entered a pie eating contest against nine other full grown men. and won. that guy, like louis black. >> jimmy: he does. yeah. this is what is happening here? >> this was a misunderstanding. he got in trouble at school for having fireworks in his desk. and i thought he had a couple of sparklers. until i got the picture from his mother. how can you get that in one desk? >> jimmy: and -- >> well? we were, we were going at it pretty hard promoting in mexico. this is a picture his mom sent me from, while we were in mexico. it is a shame he, he is on his
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right side because you can't see the tattoo. >> jimmy: ha-ha. so he is doing great? >> he is an angel. >> jimmy: you have a young son of your own? >> another angel. >> jimmy: when you, like when you go to school, preschool, your son is in, do the other parents go like, what the hell did we do? signed up, like -- any reaction like that? >> i like see them so much, because we are, when you have a litt little, young kid, at birthday parties. five birthdays in one day. our record. >> jimmy: unbelievable. >> it is terrible. >> jimmy: right. >> one, two, five. i was like get me to the bar. >> jimmy: they're all two hours each. that's ten hour of birthday. too much birthday. >> it is. >> jimmy: you brought a photograph from the birthday party. >> this its great. >> jimmy: not sure i am allowed to share. >> we might have to blur the balloon. my son goes up and asks, there is a guy dressed as spiderman,
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for, all the kids were getting swords. this is what my kid got. >> it has got a urethra. spiderman made this? >> yeah, it took a whole week. i went to spiderman. what were you thinking with this one? he was so embarrassed. he said i'm glad you can't see spiderman's face. but he, after i talked to him and gave him a little, you know, he was making the kids balloons. every 30 second you would hear, pop, pop. he got so flustered by me bringing, he called it a laser gun. >> jimmy: that's what they call it nowadays. johnny knoxville is here. his movie is "bad grandpa .05." we'll be right back!
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>> jimmy: johnny knoxville! music from time flies too. "jackass presents: bad grandpa 0.5" will be played all around the world. people in other countries will watch you screwing with people in our country. this is the movie poster from japan. >> yeah, can i say, the title of the movie in japan -- [ bleep ] grandpa across america, penis on the ground. that is on the poster. i am not kidding.
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someone told me in the bar. i said that is not true. i asked the guy from paramount. he said -- >> read that and confirm. pass that back to toshi. i don't believe it. >> the grandpa, american, [ bleep ], yeah, [ bleep ]. >> i learned some other japanese. >> jimmy: what japanese did you learn, johnny? >> i learned a lot. one is some girls have -- but if they get a brazilian wax they will have a pie pan. >> jimmy: is that true? he doesn't know what you're talking about. >> i don't know if there are a lot of pie pans in japan. that's not a bad thing. >> jimmy: our censors are trying to translate what you said. >> i can translate it for them.
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i've don't think they would look it. >> jimmy: do you get sued a lot? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you do. like for the things you do at work or in your free time? >> both! i have very good lawyers. >> jimmy: do you really? >> sure. >> jimmy: do your lawyers charge you by the ton or how does it work exactly? >> i don't know. yeah, i should pay more attention. >> jimmy: congratulations. i know you signed a new deal. new production company. >> yes, hello junior. >> jimmy: why is it called hello junior? i hesitate to ask. >> well my cousin, roger allen wade, suggested it one of my father's favorite stories. he had a guy that worked for him. a tire groover. my father owned a tire store, company. and his tire groover, woodrow wilson boxcar johnson jr. came home from work early one day and his wife was laying in bed naked. and he is like well what's going on? she is like, well, you haven't
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bought me any clothes in a long time. he said that's not true. and he goes to the closet it. opens up the door and there stand his best friend buck naked and his best friend goes, hello, junior. >> jimmy: i like that. and you want to stick around for the animals? >> yes. >> jimmy: johnny knoxville! "jackass presents: bad grandpa 0.5" will be right back. anncr: right now, at the volkswagen memorial day event you can get a $500 bonus on top of all current offers on select volkswagen models including the sporty jetta s, now leasing for just $159.00 a month the remarkably versatile tiguan and the passat midsized family sedan. so, what's the shortest distance between you and a great deal on a new volkswagen? a straight line... to the volkswagen memorial day event. get 0% apr for 60 months on all 2014 passat gasoline models
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>> jimmy: we are getting the animals ready as we speak. johnny knoxville is here you. like dangerous animals, true? >> they're cooperative. bulls get you great footage. >> jimmy: itf you get gored by them. what's the worst you have been injured by an animal? >> i don't know. there have been a lot of concussions. i don't know. >> from the bull or other animals. >> hi, buddy. >> jimmy: you can't scare johnny
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knoxville. take a quick break. keep it away. do not give it to him. do not give it to him! we'll be right back.
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>> jimmy: back with johnny knoxville. still to come, music from time flies. >> jimmy: our next guest loves all kinds of animals -- even ones you can't eat. he's a zoologist and tv host who's been bitten on nearly every inch of his body. you guys have a lot in common. from animal planet, please welcome, dave salmoni. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> look at this adorable creature. holy cow, that is weird. >> weird, a tanadua, a lesser anteater. claws deep in my back.
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he won't bite. can you see him? >> jimmy: i will see him in my nightmares later. the number one thing you notice, they hang out in trees, which is what he is trying to do. trying to get up and behind me. trying to help him out. the tail. i would love to get you to hold him. >> jimmy: no, no, i am not going to hold him. there you go. >> the itchy shirt. >> jimmy: that is better. >> the claws you can see those things. that's their defense. they can use them to hold on to tree branches. if they do get threatened. >> jimmy: who threatens them? >> anything uppen t ein the tre. they will hang from their tail. >> jimmy: do they eat ants?
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>> 9,000 ants in a day. >> jimmy: in my kitchen, by way. >> hang like that. the other big thing, the big snout. that snout is an extra tool he can get into crevices and things. >> jimmy: he is really hurting you right now. i can see that, you are really in pain here? >> those claws are serious. when he is older. >> jimmy: a back scratcher. >> when they get ahold of you they will never let you go. >> ah. >> jim gee wants to hold it. >> jimmy: dave lost a nipple in that exchange. >> i am probably bleeding. this guy is nicer. a toucan. >> jimmy: is this going to bite me or do something weird? >> we hope. >> there you go. there you go.
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the number one thing you don't want to do. don't wave anything in its face. it will get startled and rush off. obviously what you will notice with the toucan, the big beak. >> kiss it. >> you can kiss it. >> jimmy: why is he looking? i don't want to kiss it. he may think my nose is a walnut. >> she is saying hello. want to hold her? >> the other thing, watch your face. the bigger beaks they look dangerous. not powerful. if he does get bit. he won't get bit hard. the shorter wings, not a great flier. lives in the trees. a lot of fruit. jump from bran to branch. >> be careful. >> jimmy: if you were to put a box of fruit loops in front of him. >> get me a fruit. a bag of fruit. now give me this. show it to him. throw it to him. >> jimmy: i thought it was a
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her. >> show tight her. >> jimmy: hey, look at that. >> throw tigit to her. >> jimmy: hey. that's great. >> good girl. >> show it to her. >> hey! >> jimmy: yeah. how do they know how to do this? not like monkeys are throwing fruit at them in the wild? >> they have to be good with beak-to-eye coordination. they have to be in branches. >> jimmy: very good beak-to-eye coordination. >> johnny. >> give me a grape. >> not going to catch it. she will try. >> jimmy: interesting. johnny! ha-ha-ha. that is pretty good. i like the safe animals that are colorful and friendly seeming.
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>> i try to bring you cuddly ones this time. >> jimmy: no, no, no. that seem really dangerous. like i know it is funny and everything. seems like a dangerous animal on my desk. >> you are fine. give it some pats. >> jimmy: you are bleeding, why am i fine. >> i'm not bleeding -- >> you are bleeding from the less dangerous animal. >> the carical, the tufts, the north american. >> pet him. >> come on, jimmy, pet him. >> jimmy: his head seems too small for the rest of his body. no offense, dude. >> the smaller head is an adapt tugs stronger muscles. the shorter the jaw muscles are the better the bite is. one of the best predators in the world.
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when it sees something it wants to eat few can get away from it. >> jimmy: does it eat mice and stuff look that? >> anything smaller than. >> come here, buddy. >> jimmy: does it kill for fun like cats do. >> the predator defense is, far more. they hunt because they can kill something. >> jimmy: if you gave it catnip would it roll and freak out? >> this guy wouldn't. some like catnip. snuggly. obviously, they're not like domestic cats. with this big harness. with the big harness. it is obviously, looks like it may make a good pet. these are quite aggressive. terrible pets. i bring the animals out here. never good pets. >> jimmy: you've want me to pet them. >> yeah, come on. >> sit on your lap. look how cuddly. >> jimmy: i don't want to touch it. it is scaring me. >> another fun thing see how big the back end. he is a great jumper.
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n known to take bird out of the air. >> jimmy: toucan. feed him a toucan. >> why did i let johnny knoxville stay out for the segment. >> jimmy: good seeing you. take care, man. >> if you don't like this guy, the next guy will be something you don't like. >> jimmy: i am less scared of this one. seems slower. that's the trick. they seem like they're slow. they're not slow. why don't we hop up here. >> no, they can't just leave. johnny if you stay on this side. so she can see you. a >> jimmy: don't throw anything at this guy. you come over. this is good distance. if you take the body length of the crocodile. sort of striking distance. the way their brain looks. looks like sitting small there and slow. if you get within its striking distance. >> come on, jimmy.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> i'm calling 911. >> all right. all right. we don't want to scare the crocodile. prescription a nile crocodile. don't want to get too close. i will have to put a waistband on you. she will bite you. >> jimmy: why do you like this so much. >> she wants to bite you. the one thing about these guys. jimmy. if you will have a look. >> jimmy: i will not. i am at home watching this on television right now. >> these guys are ambush predators. the top of the head. bumps behind the eyes, the ears are, eye, ears, nose, all on top of the head. the body can be submerged under water. they can sit there for as long, up to six months. they wait for some one like johnny to come take a drink. then they're done. >> jimmy: no reaction at all. yeah, johnny.
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well you, know what, dave, you have done it. whatever it is you have done it. you are bleeding again. you scared me now. >> jimmy: dave salmoni! "monster week" on animal planet continues through next monday night. when we come back -- music from timeflies. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: i have so many people to thank -- johnny knoxville, dave salmoni, three random dudes, trey songz, aloe blacc, and juicy j -- and apologize to matt damon. we ran out of time. nightline is next, but first, their album is called, "after hours." here with the song "monsters", timeflies. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ a cup of coffee still steaming staring back at me and it's blacker than the night and i'm awake but still sleeping i keep telling myself i'll be alright i won't ♪ ♪ and i know it can't get worse than today sitting here and she's trying to rehearse what to say see she's in the bathroom and hoping i'm not in earshot while she's getting used to the sound of her teardrops ♪ ♪ splash it hits the towel and i know it's been awhile since you've seen me smile and laugh like i used to i've been in denial since it happened just take me to the past cause i just can't imagine losing you too ♪ ♪ i can't explain this so i keep it all inside wear my pain but it's masked by my pride she came to hold me and she cried told me this and she stared into my eyes and said ♪ ♪ i see your monsters i see your pain tell me your problems i'll chase them away m ♪ i'll be your lighthouse
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i'll make it okay when i see your monsters i'll stand there so brave and chase them all away ♪ ♪ i can't you won't like what you see if you were in my head and had to hear my plea it's like i can't believe this is happening to me and could someone please shut off this [ bleep ] answering machine ♪ ♪ so i can stop leaving these messages that you will never get and all these cries for help you'll never see you'll never check but i guess it's easy for you to leave me but believe me see this isn't something that i'm a just forget ♪ ♪ i would trade it all for one more minute don't you see i really need you to talk to uh - i'm still sitting here wondering who did it while i'm staring out our front door knowing you'll never walk through ♪ ♪ said you'd come right back now you're gone like that a blank stare as i stand so alone i know you're never coming home ♪ i see your monsters
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i see your pain tell me your problems i'll chase them away m ♪ i'll be your lighthouse i'll make it okay when i see your monsters i'll stand there so brave and chase them all away ♪ ♪ uh i got a heart made of fools gold got me feeling so cold they keep chipping away all the promises i told felt like i was on those they keep slipping away ♪ ♪ i want nobody else but it's hard to get to know me when i don't know myself and it helps cause i felt i was down i was out then you looked at me now and said ♪ ♪ i see your monsters i see your pain tell me your problems i'll chase them away m
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♪ i'll be your lighthouse i'll make it okay when i see your monsters i'll stand there so brave ♪ ♪ i see your monsters i see your pain tell me your problems i'll chase them away m ♪ i'll be your lighthouse i'll make it okay when i see your monsters i'll stand there so brave and chase them all away ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
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this is "nightline" -- tonight rent a gent. the new service by women for women. if you need a handsome, smart, kiss-free date, for an event, an adventure, even work around the house, you can have it all for a fee. >> hold me from the back. >> is this the secret to the perfect companion? or is it the end of romance as we know it? plus murder in hollywood, one of tv's favorite good cops fighting crime on "the shield" now arrested accused of killing his own wife. how a seemingly happy marriage turned deadly.


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