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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  May 26, 2014 11:35pm-12:38am PDT

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our report tonight. thanks for watching. 7 news continues now on lane ontwitter face back all the mobile devises. up next >> announcer: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight, nathan lane. author adam carolla. "this week in unnecessary censorship." and music from royal blood. with cleto and the cletones. and now, moving right along, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: i'm jimmy. thank you for watching. thanks for coming to visit. [ cheers and applause ]
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wow. what a reception. i'll do my best to make this a -- hey, thank godzilla it's friday, right, guys? i don't usually tell traditional jokes, you know, like the ones people tell each other while playing golf, and i especially don't tell knock-knock jokes, but i heard a really good one yesterday. you want to hear it? [ cheers and applause ] too bad if you didn't, i guess, but here goes. knock-knock. >> who's there? >> jimmy: pooh-pooh. >> pooh-pooh who? >> jimmy: pooh-pooh in the bathtub. my niece wrote it. she's 2 years old. [ cheers and applause ] you know what? i'd say the first ten times she told it, it wasn't that funny. but the 11th time that's when it became hilarious. this is interesting. potentially helpful in an emergency situation. the fcc has just introduced a new way to contact emergency services. in certain states you can now text 911. which is good, because it was such a pain calling 911.
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first you have to dial 9 and then 1 and then 1 again. it's like, uh. unfortunately, though, if you text them they won't necessarily be able to find you. they don't have the technology to triangulate your location yet. uber does, but somehow the police don't. [ laughter ] 911 text is available in parts of 16 states now. should be accessible everywhere by the end of the year. and you'll be able to either -- you can either text them or you can instagram a scared-face selfie of yourself. doesn't sound like this is going to work. this is how a majority of these text conversations are going to go. help. there's a burger in my house. burger? sir, this is an emergency line. sorry, autocorrect. bugler coming up the stairs. would you like to make a noise complaint? i'm going to diet! try cutting carbs. lol. and then you quietly perish with phone in hand.
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i wonder if 911 will respond to emojis. sad face, sad face, flames. hey, speaking of sad faces, the clippers got knocked out of the nba playoffs last night. i know, who could have ever guessed the clippers would lose? they lost game six to the thunder here in l.a. this is kind of interesting. jack nicholson has been sitting courtside at lakers games for decades. was there. which had to be a mistake, right? he got confused. look at him. he's like, where is kobe? rihanna was also courtside at last night's game. just like she was at a nets game a few weeks ago she attended sans brassiere, no bra on. of course that attracted a lot of attention from perverts like -- [ laughter ] like that one. [ cheers and applause ] weirdo. tough season for the clippers. they're all tough seasons for the clippers. but this one they had a lot to
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deal with. for the players it's like your parents are getting a divorce and daddy is sleeping with the weird rollerskate visor girl. and donald sterling isn't going to make this easy for anyone. sterling's attorney sent a letter to the league, rejecting his lifetime ban and refusing to pay the $2.5 million fine they hit him with. so in case you're keeping track, donald sterling right now is 0 for 80 in making good decisions this year. in the letter he said he did nothing wrong and that no punishment is warranted. and he threatened to sue if the sanctions aren't lifted. which will be quite a while. i'm suing because you found out i'm racist. i don't understand. even if he wins, why would you want to own a team on which all of your players wish you were dead? he should pack those giant bags under his eyes and get the hell out of l.a. [ cheers and applause ] but i will tell you something. i will say this. things will be very different when oprah and i own that team.
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right, guillermo? >> guillermo: right. >> jimmy: you'll be part of it too. >> guillermo: i hope so. >> jimmy: looking for something to do over the weekend, the new "godzilla" movie came out. i heard it's good. i will say this. i know he is a monster. i don't know how godzilla doesn't hurt himself stomping on buildings. i once had to go to the emergency room stepping on a lego on the way to the bathroom. today was a milestone day in tv history. this morning the great barbara walters ended a 53-year career in broadcasting. she co-hosted "the view" for the very last time. her final guests were larry the cable guy and steven segal, i think. actually, barbara got visits from oprah, katie couric, diane sawyer, every important woman in broadcasting. even kathie lee and hoda put down their 64-ounce wine cooler slurpees to pay tribute to barbara, who's retiring at age 84. which you see, that's the kind of poor work ethic that has this country lagging behind the chinese. to honor her today was barbara
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walters day in the city of new york. unfortunately, some of the festivities they had planned had to be canceled on account of wayne. no that wasn't a joke. there's a guy named wayne who ruined everything. as if getting your own day isn't enough of an honor, a woman in new orleans gave barbara walters what i believe to be the ultimate compliment. this is the greatest compliment one human being can give another. >> liz dobbs' body is already tattooed with a dragon, a piranha, and a lizard. now she's adding a queen bee. barbara walters. >> i'm the first woman to get a barbara walters tattoo. i'm a pioneer too. who's got barbara walters? nobody. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: no one's got a dragon, a piranha, and a lizard too, either. by the way, i was in new york earlier this week. i stopped by to wish barbara well. and before i went i shot a video here in hollywood. the other co-hosts surprised barbara.
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they said there was somebody very special maintaining her star on the hollywood walk of fame. which is right across the street from us. and then they showed this video. you see, that is the person maintaining the star and keeping it clean on the walk of fame. and, well, you'll see in a second here. >> hey, barbara. i'm washing you good. i'm washing you real good. [ cheers and applause ] >> now, i thought it was obvious that -- that i had a body double there. but a lot of people watching "the view," it was not obvious to them. these are some of many real tweets i got on this subject. "did you see jimmy kimmel's arms? he always has on suits. you don't realize how cut up he is." "looking nice." "feeling uncomfortably attracted to jimmy kimmel at the moment." #thosearms, #gunshow, #theview. [ cheers and applause ] love that jimmy kimmel and barbara walters are together on "the view" this morning. and awesome muscles, jimmy, yum.
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holy -- i can't say that. oh, i didn't think jimmy kimmel was super hot until i saw him scrubbing barbara's star with those huge arms of his. lol, #swoon. guillermo, has anyone ever written #swoon about you before? >> guillermo: no, never. >> jimmy: thank you very much. they didn't really write it about me either, i guess. you know what? my body is no surprise to the other women in my zumba class. anyway, i would like to sincerely wish a happy retirement, or semi-retirement, whichever it be, to barbara. i heard she's headed -- she's going straight to jamaica to get her groove back. abc should make her the next bachelorette. wouldn't that be fun? speaking of the bachelorette, we have a new season premiering monday night. they're saying this could be the third or fourth most dramatic season yet. the roses have been picked. the hot tub has been sterilized with industrial cleaning fluid. the new bachelorette is a 26-year-old assistant district attorney named andi dorfman. she's mostly looking for a
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husband because she desperately wants to get rid of the last name dorfman. andi was one of the women competing for juan pablo's heart in last season's "the bachelor." and andi's sincerity and openness make her a great bachelorette and her ability to ignore the camera crew watching her make out in a treehouse. you know, the guys they recruit to be on this show, they always have odd-sounding jobs. one of the contestants is a helicopter pilot. which is convenient because once he gets kicked off they can hire him to fly her around on one-on-one dates. there's also an opera singer, a farmer, a snowboard product developer, and one guy, his name is j.j., describes himself as a pantsepreneur. this is j.j. and it would appear pantsepreneur means someone who has terrible taste in pants. those of you who thought that was smoke mt air here in l.a., you're mistaken. turns out it's love.
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this is kind of unbelievable. a 33-year-old woman from phoenix, megan leatherman, just gave birth to a baby girl. that's not the unbelievable part. that happens a lot. but the strange part is megan is a weightlifter, and with permission from her doctor she kept up her full weightlifting routine all throughout her pregnancy. right up -- right up until the delivery. look at this. >> 33-year-old megan is a dedicated follower of cross-fit, which combines weightlifting, gymnastics, and cardio. and being pregnant isn't going to stop her grueling regime. despite the controversy surrounding heavy exercise in late pregnancy. and concerns from her husband, chad. [ baby crying ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's a litter. [ cheers and applause ] i know.
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i know, i know. we have a good show tonight. we have music from an english rock band called royal blood. they're really good. you'll like them. [ cheers and applause ] and nathan lane is here for the first time. and my old friend adam carolla is here, making his 45th appearance on our show. i have not even been on this show 45 times. and i'll say something, after 45 times we have nothing left to talk about. we are just going to stare at each other for 11 minutes like an old married couple at a souplantation. [ laughter ] [ applause ] adam is here, actually, to promote his book. actually his third book, which is officially the most books ever written by someone who has never read a book. it's called "president me." and it's about what adam would do if he were commander in chief of the united states. which he probably will be, right? eventually? by the way, president obama and vice president biden just disclosed their financial assets. this is something high-level federal officials are required to do to make sure they don't have conflicts of interest. they do it every year.
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it's always kind of surprising. last year, president obama made a $400,000 salary. it feels weird to me that the president makes less than honey booboo. but he does. the form they have to fill out lets you put a range of value on your assets, the things you own. president obama said his assets are worth between $1.95 million and $7.5 million. which is quite a range. it's like going to a weight watchers meeting and admitting to eat between 2 and 12 slices of pizza for dinner. like saying you weigh between 150 and 600 pounds. the obamas listed -- they had only one liability, the mortgage on their home in chicago. vice president biden had two liabilities, his mortgage and public speaking. and one more thing, another week has come to a close, which means it's time for our weekly tribute to the fcc where we bleep and blur things whether they need it or not. it's "this week in unnecessary censorship." [ cheers and applause ]
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>> i'm here with you today to apologize and to ask forgiveness for all of the people that i [ bleep ] and i [ bleep ] so many people. so many innocent people. >> do you [ bleep ] your husband? >> do i [ bleep ] him or do i love him? i don't [ bleep ] him. >> [ bleep ] is king. >> when you talk about sex you think, well, there's a couple of horny people. that's not the point. it's called intimacy. [ bleep ], [ bleep ], give me a hug. >> the only person who truly qualified to [ bleep ] you is you. but you can't do that, can you? >> yes, i can. >> it's great. that's his wife. i don't have a problem with seeing him [ bleep ] his boyfriend on television. >> i'm neel kashkari and i'm not afraid to [ bleep ] a few [ bleep ]. >> what do you say, steven? >> [ bleep ]. >> get out of my way! can't you see [ bleep ]!
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>> hi there, young people. a nice day today. >> so you like [ bleep ] butts, do you? let me show you, old man. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: tonight on the show adam carolla is here. we have music from royal blood. and we'll be right back with nathan lane. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ couldn't stop us. nor did prohibition in the 1920's. or exile from our home country in the 60's. the bacardi family didn't just survive, we thrived. because true passion can't be tamed.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, there. tonight on the program his new book is called "president me: the america that is in my head." adam carolla is here. [ cheers and applause ] and then we have music from a pair of british gentlemen who play their instruments very well and very loudly. their ep is called "out of the black." royal blood making their network television debut from the at&t stage tonight. and they'll be doing a free in-store performance at origami vinyl tomorrow here in los angeles. we have a fun line-up for you next week. next week on the show adam sandler will be here. johnny knoxville will join us. as will george stephanopoulos, magic johnson, elle fanning, the bachelorette andi dorfman, from silicon valley t.j. miller, dave
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salmoni will be here with wild animals, and we'll have music from lykke li, little dragon, charles bradley, timeflies, and much, much more. and by much, much more i mean not that much more. it seems like enough. [ cheers and applause ] our first guest tonight is one of those people who is so ridiculously good at everything he does you want to inject his dna into your children. you know him from his work in "the lion king," "the birdcage," "the producers" and now, "modern family" the season finale of which airs wednesday night here on abc. please welcome nathan lane. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's very good to have you. how are you? >> i'm good, jimmy, jimmy, jimmy. >> jimmy: i don't know if you remember. we met at a party once like seven or eight years ago. >> yes.
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>> jimmy: and i felt like we really hit it off. i really did. >> we did. >> jimmy: we talked for a very long time. >> we did. it was a very glamorous hamptons party. >> jimmy: that's right. >> and we discussed our mutual obsession with "lost" and why two grown men were addicted to a metaphysical soap opera set on a desert island. >> jimmy: yeah. >> it was one of those very fancy affairs where the staff is better looking than the guests. >> jimmy: oh, yeah, yeah, right. the waiters. >> well, yes. it was like an abercrombie & fitch catalog came to life and did the catering. and i don't know about you, i always feel a certain shame, asking extremely pretty people to bring you things. food and drinks. like they're looking at you like, you know, if you didn't eat and drink so much you too could look airbrushed and stunning. but no, you never will. you'll remain on the island of misfit toys for all eternity, chubby boy. maybe i'm reading too much into this. >> jimmy: i think you were. >> maybe they were thinking about the complicated plot of "lost."
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? that could very well be. >> underneath we are all the same. why can't donald sterling understand that? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i don't know. have you been following that situation? donald sterling. >> what's to follow? he's an idiot. that pretty much sums it up. and he should be quiet now. >> jimmy: you're going to be on the list of people that he sues. i'll tell you, i'm glad to have you here. i really am. >> i'm thrilled to be here, in the same chair that toronto mayor rob ford -- >> jimmy: oh, yes. >> -- profusely sweated in. i assume you had this febrezed? you're to be congratulated for -- you know what? i'm actually nervous being here. >> jimmy: are you really? >> because this is my first time. >> jimmy: oh, don't be nervous. >> and you've been gentle so far. so thank you. but i would -- >> jimmy: would it help if i pet you during the interview? >> actually, it would. no. you're very nice. you're a very nice man. >> jimmy: thank you. >> no. i was thinking that you're to be congratulated. because without you i don't think he'd be in rehab today.
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>> jimmy: is that right? >> i think you pushed him in the right direction. >> jimmy: you think my words had something to do with it? >> i know there was the second video of him smoking crack. where justin bieber ran into him and made fun of him. that's when you know you've hit rock bottom. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: maybe you're right. maybe it was -- maybe justin bieber finally did something good. >> well, you know, i think, you know, there he was smoking crack in his sister's basement. you know. and that's the difference between canadian and american politicians. when american politicians smoke crack, they deny the existence of climate change. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> but you know, the problem is rob ford also suffers from asthma, which is tough because he keeps lighting the inhaler. [ laughter ] [ drum roll ] >> jimmy: what's going on over there? >> now i feel at home. >> jimmy: by the way, i found out today i was studying you as i do from time to time when we have guests on. i did not realize you worked as a stand-up comic at one point.
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>> yeah, well, you know, very briefly. you know for like, when i was a young struggling actor in the late '70s, early '80s. i dabbled in stand-up on my own and then with a partner, a wonderful guy by the name of patrick stack, a very funny man. he was another struggling actor. we put this act together. and then we were signed by william morris and came out here and did a show at the comedy store and then started to open for people. rock acts and concerts. al jarreau. >> jimmy: al jarreau? really? >> yeah. and then memorably eddie rabbitt. >> jimmy: excellent. >> who was kind of a country-western star. >> jimmy: yes, yes. >> i love the lonely -- rainy night. >> jimmy: rainy night. >> i love a lonely night. >> jimmy: i guess you didn't stick around for eddie after you were done. >> well, you know, i don't think we were the most appropriate act for him. we opened for him in petaluma, home of the wrist wrestling championships. you know, you didn't get any
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billing because they would just say before eddie rabbitt, ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy the comedy stylings of stack & lane. and we walked out and there was a low rumbling like in a gladiator film. and then we walked out and it was a sea of cowboy hats and marijuana smoke wafting toward us. and they'd all timed their drugs for eddie. and then we were sort of doing sketch material. we were like nichols and may but not as brilliant. so we started, we did a few opening jokes and then started with this sketch, we take you to a bar somewhere in manhattan and then they started to freak out when we said manhattan. there was screaming and they started chanting "eddie, eddie, eddie, eddie." give us barabbas. so the local deejay and host of the event came out like the high school principal and said listen, these guys came all the way from new york city to entertain you. the least you could do is shut up and listen! so be quiet! then he left.
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then for 30 minutes we played to total silence. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well, you love a lonely night. nathan lane is here. the season finale of "modern family." we'll be right back.
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if you're evacuating the whole area can't you just do us last? >> i don't think you realize how close you are to actual flames. >> hello. patrick saltzman. big supporter of yours. have all of your calendars. >> we waited ten years. can we please have an hour? >> i can give you 30 minutes. >> we can make that work. the wedding will go on, just a slightly pared down version. claire up front. flower girls. grooms come with me. ooh, ah, look so handsome. quartet. quartet. quartet. and cue vows. start after your limerick. >> oh, god, no. >> we're all making sacrifices dear.
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i have a prius full of monarch butterflies that are apparently coming home with me. >> jimmy: that is nathan lane in "modern family." the season finale is on wednesday night. your character, pepper, we didn't know pepper was a wedding planner. >> i didn't either. yes, we found out that he is an event planner. and he's in charge of this wedding. and hijink s ensue as they always do in season finales. but you know, the writers have done just a tremendous job. >> jimmy: the show is still really, really great and really solid after -- i don't know how many years. >> five years. five years. >> jimmy: you got an emmy nomination. >> i was nominated, yeah. >> jimmy: is there a possibility they would make a spinoff show? >> "a dash of pepper"? >> jimmy: that would be -- yeah. >> people have suggested that. i think pepper is more of a spice than the main ingredient. he would have to be sort of rethought to be a central character. then i read some article that said is pepper too gay to have his own show?
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and i thought, when has anyone ever said has anyone been too straight to have their -- i mean you, of course, reek of testosterone. >> jimmy: thank you. >> but you know, the notion of being too gay, as if -- where on the richard simmons richter scale does the needle have to hit to hear the bell go off and say "sorry, too gay. no show for you." it reminds me of mel brooks, actually. when we were doing "the producers" and he -- and he was immersed in musical theater again. and out of the blue he said to me one day. you know, i'll tell you something, nathan. i am about 18%, 19%, 20% gay. 80% straight. 20% gay. wait, wait, 15%. 15% gay. no less. he wanted to be clear about that. so he's just gay enough. >> jimmy: he is just the perfect -- he's just got a
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little -- >> little bit of gay in him. >> jimmy: a hint of gay. >> it helps. i said that's what gives you your sophistication, wit, and sense of irony. >> jimmy: it seems like -- i've had mel hear on the show before. >> he's the best. >> jimmy: it must have been so much fun to hang out with him every day. working on that show. >> one of my heroes. to be able to do that with him was one of the greatest times in my life in the theater. >> jimmy: he's always fooling around, it seems like. >> well, yes. and you know, that was just a joyous time. but you know, when he was young, when he was like a writer on "the sid caesar show," he was a little more rambunctious and outrageous. >> jimmy: really? how so? >> well, you know, there was a -- i remember neil simon telling me one day they were walking down the street and he saw three nuns walking towards them. and he got nervous that mel was going to say something. hoping he would ignore them. just as they went by, mel turned to them and said, "girls, you're out of the sketch." but there was a wonderful -- a sketch performer, howard morris, on the show. wonderful guy.
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supposedly, a very gentle soul. and he and mel became friends. and they would have lunch very often. and one day they went to central park and they had their sandwiches and they went out on the boat, onto the lake, you know. and they were talking about life and art and their futures and their families. and then suddenly mel pulled out a gun and said, give me your wallet! and howie morris was like flabbergasted. he said, "give me your wallet!" and give me the watch too! you know. it was a toy gun. but it was very realistic. howie was in a panic. and he gave him everything he had. and mel was rowing back. and he said, "if you tell anybody about this, i'll kill you!" jumped onto the dock, ran out of the park. so about three weeks went by, and he returned everything to howie and he said i'm sorry, howie, you're just so vulnerable, i wanted to see if i could rob you. [ laughter ] and so howie was like oh, thank god, i thought you were crazy and i was too afraid to tell anybody. finally a week later they were going to lunch.
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he pushed him in an alley and said, give me your wallet. he did it again. he robbed him twice. [ applause ] >> jimmy: that's mel brooks. the season finale of "modern family" is next wednesday night at 9:00 here on abc. nathan lane, everybody. we'll be right back with adam carolla. [ cheers and applause ] >> the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by at&t. mobilizing your world. there's unlimited talk and text. we're working deals all day. you get 10 gigabytes of data to share. what about expansion potential? add a line anytime for 15 bucks a month. low dues... great terms... let's close. introducing at&t mobile share value plans...
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi there. still to come, we have music from royal blood. our next guest has risen from the ashes of radio to conquer the worlds of publishing, podcasting, and bootlegging too. you know, he makes his own alcohol called mangria. his new book is called "president me: the america that's in my head." please say hello to adam carolla. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> jimmy: these are for me? >> that's for our 20-year anniversary, jimmy. >> jimmy: oh, it is our 20-year anniversary, isn't it? >> that's right. when i met jimmy i was about to turn 30. i was swinging a hammer for a living. i was doing nothing. he plucked me from obscurity and made me into the international superstar i am today. >> jimmy: wow, wow, thank you. >> i am forever grateful for that. >> jimmy: i feel bad i didn't -- well, i'll give you sex later. so, you know. >> or i'll give it to you, you know. with fellows you've got to make a choice. >> jimmy: i wonder what percent this puts us at. if mel brooks is 15%. >> oh, percent gay? >> jimmy: yeah. >> well, i had football coaches that would say you have to give 110%. but i would always think that's not mathematically possible.
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but i think in this case -- >> jimmy: well, we'll give it a shot either way. well, happy anniversary to you. >> thank you. >> jimmy: you did mention it's been 20 years. you were 30 when we met. you have a big birthday coming up. your 50th birthday. >> yeah. i'm going to turn 50. my kids are going to turn 8 in a couple weeks. i'm delighted. >> jimmy: twins. >> twins. that's right. i never say which one of them i like more. so it keeps it cool. so -- >> jimmy: that's very wise. >> right. >> jimmy: as a parent. >> the girl never finds out exactly what's going on. in my head. but my son is taking -- he's taken up a sport. i was hoping he could have started playing football or maybe, you know, move into the octagon or something, really could get daddy's adrenaline going. he's taken up long-distance running. has any one ever watched a 7-year-old? all they do is run. this is sanctioned official running in a circle.
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it takes place early saturday mornings in places far away. he's going 1,500 meters. if you want to watch a 7-year-old run, all you have to do is say put on your jammies. and you shall see the 7-year-old run. >> jimmy: is it possible that he's training to get away from you? >> well, he's doing a piss-poor job because he's going in a circle and i'm driving him to this place. but he runs in a circle. at a, you know, medium jog. and i stand there and every 20 minutes he comes around within earshot. and i yell, "go!" and then he goes by. again. it's horrific. it's painful to watch. he's doing it again tomorrow. and not only is it -- it's crazy now because of the participation trophy, everyone gets everything. there are six podium spots. number one is this high. you come in second place, it's this high.
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third. signature place, they actually dig a hole. fits into it up to his waist. but it's still podium. as god is my witness, last saturday my son comes in third place. so he's on the podium with nine other people. he's taken third place. the two kids that took first and second place, are you sitting down? african-american. i don't want to shock you. the two kids are 7 years old that take first place do the fist. they do the mexico city 1968 black-gloved fist. >> jimmy: you think they knew -- >> i don't know. it's hard to tell what kids know because of the internet. they did the fist. my son climbs up on the podium in third place. up comes the fist. i'm not lying. >> jimmy: you brought a picture of this. i was wondering what this was. there he is. [ cheers and applause ]
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>> he was explaining to me on the ride home that he didn't land on plymouth rock. plymouth rock landed on him. >> jimmy: in your new book, you imagine a world or at least a nation in which you are the commander-in-chief. in which you are in charge of the country. what sorts of changes would you make to this country if that were the case? >> well, i start with health care. the costs are out of control. we want to know who's going to spend all the money and who's going to take care of us when we get older and all that. pretty simple, straightforward idea for urgent care and health care. all of the equipment in the hospital, especially ventilators and all the urgent care stuff, all the stuff grandpa's hooked up to? coin operated. it's all coin op. your loved ones really love you? we're going to find out. we're going to find out. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: okay. >> and -- and i want to say this.
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this is one of the things that's going to take care of itself. because if you don't have enough friends, enough loved ones, enough family members that really care enough to bring a pillowcase full of nickels to the hospital every time they come to visit you, do you really want to return to a world where they wouldn't have pitched in, you know, fed the meter, so to speak? and you know, i'm taking obama's slogan, i'm putting a little twist on the hope and change thing. you better hope they have change. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right. that's solid. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i think i can support that. >> i think you're going to like this one especially. i think we're getting a little careless, speaking of health care. people driving. and it's not dangerous anymore. >> jimmy: driving? >> what i mean is the cars have 75 air bags and crumple zones and anti-lock brakes and everything. that's why everyone's texting and falling asleep and talking on their phone. we're not paying attention while we're driving anymore because we feel safe. >> jimmy: oh, we feel safe. >> we're too safe, too secure. our parents had to drive because they had like prussian helmet
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points on their steering wheel so it goes through their sternum and no lap belts. know what i mean? you had to pay attention back then. >> jimmy: yeah. >> we're too safe. we're not paying attention anymore. that's why under my administration every tenth car that comes out of the factory, the air-bag will be filled with moose semen. every tenth. just every tenth. oh, you'll be driving 10 and 2. head on a swivel. you'll be no, after you. you will not want to make -- every tenth. i'm not a maniac. i'm not an idiot. not every car. every tenth. we're not telling you which one. you'll be driving like this. i guarantee you after this -- >> jimmy: and what a deal for the moose too. i mean -- >> yeah. >> jimmy: somebody stands to make that moose happy. [ cheers and applause ] have you appointed a cabinet? would you do this by yourself or would you have a team assembled? >> well, i've got guys like you.
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>> jimmy: i would be part of this. >> yeah. obviously with lower-level stuff. >> jimmy: right, right. >> but still part. >> jimmy: what would my role be in the administration? >> i think i had you as head fluffer. i don't really remember exactly what it was. but i'd give you a tour. >> jimmy: working with the moose? >> frustration. i had -- i had an idea about marriage and weddings and dresses that i thought could -- >> jimmy: okay. that i'm interested in. >> all right. this has happened to me. guys, you know how this works. getting married. she's picking out the wedding dress. it's 3,500 bucks. you do that thing where you go, you'll never wear it again. she does that thing -- by the way, this is insane logic. where she goes, our daughter will wear it one day. so it's going to get worn twice for 3,500 bucks? would any guy ever make an argument like that with slacks? these are $4,000 slacks. uh-uh. i'm going to wear them twice. i always say to that argument, why aren't you wearing your mom's [ bleep ] dress, then?
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if your mom pitched the same line of crap to your dad 33 years ago. simple. it's going to stop all the arguments. ladies, you have $1,000 to spend on a wedding dress. if you would like to spend more, for each $100 after that you have to fit into the dress for one year. you want to spend $2,000 on a dress? that's a decade of you needing to fit into the dress. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it seems unenforceable to me. >> well, it would be funny to see women bulking up for the wedding. exact opposite of -- >> jimmy: i think you've got some interesting ideas. this is the book. it's called "president me: the america in my head." [ cheers and applause ] adam carolla, everybody. we'll be right back with royal blood. [ cheers and applause ]
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>> the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by at&t. mobilizing your world. brate si brain surgery? not really. online shopping? should be simple. but it's not. filling out your
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shipping address, billing address, card number, expiration date... typing and retyping each time you pay... not simple. when you pay securely with paypal, you're done in a few clicks. that's fast - even if you're a really slow clicker. it's not calculus - but it's pretty smart.
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the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by at&t. mobilizing your world. >> jimmy: i'd like to thank nathan lane, adam carolla, and i want to apologize to matt damon. we did run out of time for him. he will be rescheduled. "nightline" is next, but first, with the title track from this ep, it's called "out of the black," royal blood! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ how did it feel when it came alive and took you out of the black ♪ ♪ it broke your skin and shook through every part of me every part of you ♪
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♪ you made a fool out of me and took the skin off my back running so don't breathe ♪ ♪ when i talk cos you haven't been spoken to i've got a gun ♪ ♪ for a mouth and a bullet with your name on it but a trigger ♪ ♪ for a heart beating blood from an empty pocket ♪ ♪ i never knew why and you didn't care when ♪ ♪ it closed every door and washed away no sin and i promised you like you promised me ♪ ♪ but those vows we made it up
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for free ♪ ♪ you made a fool out of me and took the skin off my back running ♪ ♪ so don't breathe when i talk cos you haven't been spoken to ♪ ♪ i've got a gun for a mouth and a bullet with your name on it ♪ ♪ a trigger for a heart bleeding blood from an empty pocket ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ you made a fool out of me and took the skin off my back running ♪ ♪ so don't breathe when i talk cos you haven't been spoken to ♪ ♪ i've got a gun for a mouth and a bullet with your name on it ♪ ♪ but a trigger for a heart bleeding blood from an empty pocket ♪ ♪ and it tortures slow if i let you go ♪ ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ]
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this is a special edition of "nightline." >> tonight, an inside look more than seven years in the making. at incredible bravery and survival during the war in afghanistan. >> you see him? >> the american soldiers there who experienced the brotherhood of war. plus, what happened when they came back? >> down low. we're good. >> the shocking reasons the return can be tougher than the war for these servicemen and women. it's their battle on the home front. >> this special edition of "nightline," "the other war," will be right back.


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