Skip to main content

tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  May 15, 2019 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

11:35 pm
here. >> that's our report. we appreciate your time. i'm dan ashley. >> i'm ama daetz. for sandhya and >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- allison williams. patton oswalt. and music from tedeschi trucks band. and now, hold everything -- jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: hi, very nice. hello, everybody. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for than for evytng, really. it's very nice. i am happy to be home. we were off the air for a couple
11:36 pm
days. i was out of town, actually. i was in new york this week, getting some lipo suck shun done. when i was in new york i did the howard stern show and when you do those shows you have to get up very early. one of the things you see when you're driving through times square before sun rise, the last time i saw a dead but one of the things you see is people lined up, gathered around to see "the today show." and people show up with their "kiss me, i'm from wisconsin" signs. you get the feeling when you're watching you don't know what's going to happen because they're outside. but the weird stuff usually comes from outside the show. on the "today" show, one member of the cast stood out quite
11:37 pm
proudly. >> i love it. tucson, u of a in the house this morning. >> yeah! >> really, he really loves tucson, i guess. poor mrs. cactus, huh? what if this was matt lauer in there, sneaking back into the show? members of the lawyuer family, e we? after a lot of back and forth and saying no, i'm not going to do this, maybe i'll take the fifth, the president's eldest son, done jr., djtj has reached a deal to appear before the republican-led senate committee next month to try to convince them he doesn't know anything. for him, how hard could that be, but according to the deal they made, don jr. will testify for up to four hours and can only be asked questions on five or six topics. why does everything this family does turn into a game show,
11:38 pm
everything. it will be a closed-door session, but these are some of the questions he is expected to be asked. what happened in the trump tower meeting, what was your father's involvement, did you lie to congress? what the hell is up with that beard? how do you strap a bicycle helmet without a chin. but the fact that he will talk is good news. he's a great guy. but meanwhile, at the white house today they said no way to a request for documents made by the house judiciary committee. they claim democrats are just trying to embarrass the president, as if that's possible. as if he has the ability to feel shame. but the chairman of the house judiciary, jerry nadler says the white house seems to think the president is a king or something who isn't subject to checks and balances like other presidents. if you're not familiar with jerry nadler, he's a tough guy who's lost a lot of weight. but after he lost the weight, i think he neglected to buy a new
11:39 pm
pair of pants. rarely do you see his whole body, but his belt is pulled all the way up to his nadlers. it's almost like a choker or something. remember that white house tell-all book that sold a zillion copies, "fire and fury." the author of that book, michael wolf, has written a sequel. in this one, we learn that donald trump is robert mueller's father. the book comes up next month. the last one was "fire and fury." this one is called "siege". i don't know why they all sound like steven segal movies. who snuck up and took that shot? there are more books now about donald trump than "curious george." he has beaten him. the president was in hackberry, louisiana yesterday sharing his special brand of methane with a plant that extracts natural gas
11:40 pm
and we slow him down forey yet another edition of drunk donald trump. ♪ >> cow cass coo, but i like i-10 much better. can we go by i-10? do you mind? okay. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: this is something, though. this was on the local news in las vegas. they had a story about a school bus driver, we may have found the least intelligent man in the world. >> a former bus driver caught on camera, dragging a student, moments after he stepped off the bus. the boy's backpack got caught in the door, and the driver didn't stop for several seconds. the boy's mother believes he was targeted because of his race, but the driver denies that
11:41 pm
allegation. >> would you say you're racist? >> not at all, no. look at my dog, he's black as can be. >> jimmy: is it possible that someone can be too dumb to own a dog? this is a good one, too. this is like the sopranos come to life. this is the kind of thing you could find in your yard if you live in new jersey. >> look at the size of that. >> look at that [ bleep ]. that son of a bitch is right in the front yard. >> oh, my god. >> holy [ bleep ]. [ bleep ], i'm going in. >> jimmy: good idea. i wouldn't have come out in the first place. here's some more bad news for new jersey. people from jersey, according to a new poll, have the second-least sexy accent in america. it's a very important survey they did. new jersey finished second.
11:42 pm
long island finished last. it is home to the least-sexy accent in america. and the sexiest accent is from texas. texas is number one. [cheers and applause] oh, my god, i'm getting turned on just hearing your yowls. texas is number one, phenomenon followed by boston. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: come on. it's not, at all, right? i can see a texas accent being sexy, but nothing about a boston accent feels -- dickey, yy, you a boston accent, has anybody ever told you your accent is sexy. >> dicky: certain parts of boston are very sexy. >> jimmy: which areic: e be in right little friend from seacock,
11:43 pm
hi. >> this guy again? i got to talk to this [ bleep ]? >> jimmy: tommy. >> what do you want? i'm watching nesn. they're playing highlights. >> jimmy: i have a quick question for you. >> shoot. >> jimmy: what do you think, i don't know if you saw this, but there's a report that says boston accents are the second sexiest accents in the united states. >> i think that's nonsense. >> jimmy: that's what i said. >> yeah, it's nonsense, because we have the number one most sexy accent in these here united states. listen to me, i talk wicked sexy. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i've gotten to second base more times than harry hooper. >> jimmy: than harry hooper? >> yea hooper! you got a hearin' problem! you want to argue with me! >> jimmy: do you think the accent is why they say. all i know is you're talking to
11:44 pm
me in a little bit of a condescending tone and i don't like it. you want a piece of me, you sloppy little bitch? >> jimmy: no, i don't. >> i'll take ya. >> jimmy: why do you think the boston accent is ranked number two. >> listen right here, the only number two is in my diaper right here. we have the number one sexiest words in the whole world. >> jimmy: which words are sexy? >> for starters, there's wiener. vaginer, panty dropper. you slob gobbler. >> jimmy: what are you drinking there? >> what the [ bleep ] you think it is? it's a scorpion ball. i pour pedialyte and -- >> jimmy: okay. >> my sexy dulcet voice that
11:45 pm
makes women go nuts from pawtucket to woonsocket, from boxborough to foxborough. when i say hey, girl, let me see your labia. take off your sweater, darlene. >> jimmy: who is darlene? is that your girlfriend? >> my girlfriend? no, you sick [ bleep ], it's my mother. my mother darlene is a saint. tell them, mark. >> are you bothering my little tommy? you want a piece of me? let's go, right now, you against my mom. [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: i don't want a piece of anyone. i was just asking your son if he thinks boston accents are sexy. >> [ bleep ] sexy. is my voice not sexy enough for you? you should hear me and his
11:46 pm
stepfather going at it. like game three of the '04 alds, so hard. it's so [ bleep ] hot. >> jimmy: that's enough. thank you both for your time. >> yeah, [ bleep ] yourself, yeah. hey, give me some boob. >> jimmy: all right. that's tommy and his mother darlene. [cheers and applause] all right. one more thing. speaking of kids, my mission as a talk show host, yes, i do have a mission. it's not just to entertain, it's to educate, not just adults. children too. the next generation needs guidance on so many matters, including those of the heart. so i sat down with a couple of kids named dean and arlene to get their thoughts on the mysterious emotion arlene, how guys doing? >> good. >> good. >> jimmy: how long have you been
11:47 pm
together? >> um, when we got here? >> jimmy: so this is a new relationship. >> yes. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. you're both 5 years old? >> yeah. >> jimmy: are you both in kindergarten? >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: how do you like it? >> good. >> jimmy: what is love exactly? >> it's putting someone's needs before yours. >> jimmy: wow. i thought oprah was off the air. i don't know how this is happening. what do you think love is? >> it's the one that you love most. >> jimmy: mm-hm. okay. girls are a little more advanced than boys, yes? yeah. so one thing i know about you, dean, because your dad works here at the show, right? you love to see people kiss on television.>>. >> jimmy: at not true? >> no. >> jim: oh, kissing? >> it's gross. >> jimmy: it is gross. what's gross about it, exactly? >> because you're sharing germs.
11:48 pm
>> jimmy: sharing germs, but you probably kiss your mom, right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: why isn't that gross? >> well, you kiss your mom and dad because you're family, and their germs. >> jimmy: they're family germs? >> yeah. >> jimmy: mm-hm. >> but if you kiss someone else, it's kind of gross because they're sharing their germs. >> jimmy: it's like kissing everyone in their family. >> yeah. >> jimmy: right, right. >> i'm never going to marry anybody, because it's -- >> jimmy: it's what? >> it's kind of disgusting. >> jimmy: are you guys falling in love with each other right now? >> no. >> jimmy: little bit? >> no. >> jimmy: do you think dean is cute? >> kind of. >> jimmy: kind of cute. do you think arlene is cute? >> kind of. >> jimmy: yeah, i think you're both pretty cute. should we bring out the love meter and see if you're in love? >> no. >> yes! >> no. >> jimmy: let's do it. stay right there. >> okay. >> jim: ring out the love meter and we'll test and see if you're in love.
11:49 pm
this is the love meter. we put it over your heart and it senses if you're in love. >> try it on dean first. just try it on dean first. >> jimmy: shall we try it out, dean? i got to get it right here, near your heart. right there. whoa, yeah, that's love. that is love. wow. it knows. is it right, dean? yeah, it is right. okay, arlene? we'll try it on you. >> i want to try. >> jimmy: ah. oh, my gosh. >> okay. that is funny. >> jimmy: wow, look at that. you guys are in love. isn't that great? >> try to see if you're in love with us. because i think you are. >> jimmy: see if i'm in love with you? all right. let's see. yeah, no. i'm not in love with you. but watch this, if i think about spaghetti. see what happens? yeah, see? because i love spaghetti. >> you're in love with
11:50 pm
spaghetti? >> jimmy: i'm in love with spaghetti. and guess what i'm also in love with? >> what? >> what? >> jimmy: meatballs. >> oh, my gosh. >> jimmy: tell each other you love each other. >> i want to go home. >> you are so weird. >> jimmy: thanks, kids. >> jimmy: tonight on the show, music from tedeschi trucks band. patton oswalt is here. and we'll be right back with allison williams. ♪ abc's jimmy kimmel live, brought to you by mazda.
11:51 pm
♪ pan pan pan paaaan what makes digiorno crispy pan pizza different than delivery? ♪ pan pan pan paaaan you bake it fresh in its own pan! giving our digiorno pizza a crispy, caramelized crust. ♪ paaaan it's not delivery, it's digiorno. rockewith an extra 15% off! savings at kohl's!... pick-up elton john rocketman tees... and new luggage... plus - save on adidas... and converse for the family! plus - get kohl's cash! right now - at kohl's. see rocketman in theaters may 31st. [tv] i can't just stop [door bell]r bell] ♪ ♪eliver food.
11:52 pm
we deliver more than that. ♪ delivering happy. mcdonalds on uber eats. ♪you put your right arm in, and then you shake it all about♪ ♪you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around.♪ ♪that's what it's all about. ♪you put your whole self in, you put your whole self out,♪ ♪you put your whole self in, and you shake it all about.♪ ♪you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around.♪ ♪that's what it's all about. ♪that's what it's all about.♪ ♪that's what it's all about.♪ touch shows how we really feel. but does psoriasis ever get in the way?
11:53 pm
embrace the chance of 100% clear skin with taltz... the first and only treatment of its kind offering people with moderate to severe psoriasis a chance at 100% clear skin. with taltz, up to 90% of people quickly saw a significant improvement of their psoriasis plaques. don't use if you're allergic to taltz. before starting, you should be checked for tuberculosis. taltz may increase risk of infections and lower your ability to fight them. tell your doctor if you have an infection, symptoms, or received a vaccine or plan to. inflammatory bowel disease can happen with taltz, serious allergic reactions can occur. ready for a chance at 100% clear skin? ask your doctor about taltz.
11:54 pm
listen to your mom, aknuckleheads. hand em over.. hand what over? video games, whatever you got. let's go. you can watch videos of people playing video games in the morning. is that everything? i can see who's online. i'm gonna sweep the sofa fort. well, look what i found. take control of your wifi with xfinity xfi. let's roll! now that's simple, easy, awesome. get started with xfinity internet for $29.99 a month for 12 months, plus ask how to get 250 back when you switch to xfinity mobile. click, call or visit a store today. ♪ >> jimmy: tonight, from "the secret life of pets 2," a very
11:55 pm
funny man, patton oswalt is with us. then, their album is called "signs." tedeschi trucks band from the mercedes-benz outdoor stage. you can see tedeschi trucks band live tomorrow and friday night at the orpheum theater, here in los angeles. tomorrow night, trevor noah and billie lourd will join us, and we'll have music from ciara. and on friday, we have a new show with ryan seacrest, celeste barber, and music from slipknot. so please join us then. you know our first guest tonight from "girls," she played one of the girls. and as a very scary white woman in the movie "get out." her new movie is scary too. "the perfection" premieres on netflix may 24th. please welcome, allison williams. [cheers and ♪ >> thank you.
11:56 pm
[cheers and applause] >> jimmy: i hesitate to say something about this, what a cute outfit. >> oh, my gosh, thank you. i'm shocked we're not wearing the same thing. >> jimmy: this is what i hear my wife say, what a cute outfit. and then there's a whole talk about the outfit. >> now we're having it. >> jimmy: i'm sorry, i heard you were hurt. you were injured. >> i was injured. >> jimmy: what happened to you? >> it never happened before. i was filming an action movie in mauritius, a beautiful country off the east coast of africa. >> jimmy: mauritius. >> mauritius. on the first day of the shoot there was a stunt where i was being chased by a dog, up to the top of a fence, i thought really cool. ade feel like a real action star, which is a good thing when you're shooting an action movie. but they didn't know i wasn't sure i could do all these things yet. so i was very excited to do my stunt. it went well all day long. and the last time i did it i got
11:57 pm
to the top of the fence, and i felt a sort of sharp pain on my ankle. now nitro, the stunt dog was lovely. and the consummate professional. >> jimmy: okay. >> and i love dogs. i cannot emphasize enough how much i love dogs, which is why it's so baffling that on the last take, nitro, the dog looked at my ankle and thought yeah, why not, so he clamped onto my ankle and yeah, did that. i've never been hurt before. so i don't know how i'm going to react to that. now if i had to predict in a vacuum how i would react to being hurt, it would be like a scream that makes birds move, fly off their perches and antelope perk up in ethiopia. i was thinking of something so huge. i hop down from the fence, i look down at my ankle and say ow, ow, ow for real. >> jimmy: say that one more
11:58 pm
time. >> i said ow, ow, ow for real. >> jimmy: that level. >> that tone. ow, ow, ow for real. and the for real was included : ery painful, though, right? >> it was very painful. >> jimmy: were you proud of yourself? >> this was told to me o the f was not willing to come down. i just felt safe from nitro. >> jimmy: because the dog had bitten you. >> i was like i don't want to faint, i don't want to throw up. they're like, okay, i don't know what to do with that information. but we're pulling for you, we're rooting for you. so the medic apparently cleaned it and put a nice like temporary bandage on it and i was whisked off for the next hour and a half to the bumpiest ride i've experienced in my life to the hospital. >> jimmy: oh, wow. >> it's a thing, a real thing. you can see everyone in the production like oh, my god, the first day, we are so screwed.
11:59 pm
every scene, like it was just not good news. >> jimmy: no. >> i get to the hospital. instinct is no one's allowed to touch it. >> jimmy: not even the doctors? >> no one's allowed to touch it. the nurses come in. the nicest nurses. cindy, she's in the break room, she's the nicest. they are sending their nicest nurses and nicest doctors, and i'm like, no, no. you can't touch it. and they are like how are we supposed to help you? > jimmy: just pray over you. numb myle leg. and they all just were like "these americans are so insane". just as i'm about to get into an argument, the doctor, by chance had given me a tetanus shot the week before comes around the curtain and says "princess, what
12:00 am
did you do." he knew to call me princess and knew knew i had done something. >> jimmy: all you were guilty of was being delicious. >> that's very sweet. that's so nice. that's what i'm going to tell myself when i'm in pain. so then the doctor and i were talking and i said you're not allowed to touch it until you numb my leg. and he said i can't do that eticile ethically. and i said what if you could do it? and then he did it. i didn't look for real. they numbed my whole leg. when i couldn't feel someone punching my calf, i was like we're good. they whisk me into a room. they took one look and are like we arehi bite. i got five stitches. they are so loose. it's the grossest thing i've
12:01 am
ever heard. you're going to get loose stitches? why bother, why don't you just throw flour on it. you don't need to talk about this right now. it's ridiculous. >> jimmy: you've been traumatized. >> but anyway, it was an insane first day of shooting. >> jimmy: did you have the animal destroyed? just asking. i don't know. >> i have, no, if i did, i would lie about did, first of all. and second of all, i don't blame nitro. >> jimmy: you don't? >> we're a team. we're actors. >> jimmy: he was improvising, give me one more take. i want to try something. >> he wanted one more. that's what he got. yeah, i think nitro was just doing his job. but i was carried places on set. >> jimmy: oh, by other people? >> yeah, by human beings. >> jimmy: who carries you around? like kevin costner? >> so i'm now, i had only met some of the crew members for like a couple hours. the next time they see me, i'm
12:02 am
being carried onto set in the arms of our stunt coordinator. >> jimmy: because your leg was numb? >> i couldn't stand on it. not because it was numb. it was screwed up. i couldn't walk. so i was carried into places. they'd put me down, i'd say my lines and do my job u th, then d set me back up. full mariah carey. >> jimmy: like "game of thrones." i'm glad you're all right. we're going to take a break. allison williams, after this. >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by aarp. real possibilities. take on today and every day with aarp. (low battery sound.) do you want a charge? yeah (battery charging.) ♪ how ya like that? ow ya like that? ♪ ♪ how ya like that? ♪ how ya like that? ♪ how ya like that? ♪ what you think of me now?
12:03 am
thank you so much. (battery charging.) ♪ how ya like that? ♪ what you think of me now? ♪ how ya like that? ♪ what you think of me now? you guys wanna get subway? i'm in! dude, subway has delivery. ooooh! cool! ♪ ♪ (cheers, applause) we hide hotel names. so you can score 4 star hotels at 2 star prices. (cheers, applause) ♪h-o-t-w-i-r-e♪ (chicken cackles)
12:04 am
12:05 am
♪h-o-t-w-i-r-e♪ discover paint bleed you under your tape...... not with frogtape! frogtape is the only painter's tape treated with patented paintblock technology. paintblock reacts with the water in latex paint to form a micro-barrier against paint bleed, giving you the sharpest lines possible. get professional results with frogtape... no messy lines, arp lines every time, no pfrog it!ed.
12:06 am
man, that's a cool looking hot tub. we should check on the baby. he's so sweet. maybe too sweet? internet's down. go! your home is only as smart as your internet. get reliable at&t fiber and get speeds up to 300 megabits per second and directv. bundle for 75 dollars a month for 12 months. limited availability. may not be in your area. more for your thing. that's our thing. call 1-800-call-att.
12:07 am
i'm dying, don't you understand? >> no, i don't understand. >> but i'm dying. >> charlotte? what's happening?
12:08 am
>> jimmy: oh, charlotte. i'm getting scared looking at [cheers and applause] that is scary looking. that's "the perfection." it's a netflix movie. comes out may 24th. you are just going to do scary movies? >> apparently i don't want anyone to be relaxed when i'm on the screen. this lane, i'm so excited. >> jimmy: what can you say about it that doesn't ruin it. >> basically, whatever you think just happened, you're probably wrong. >> jimmy: okay. >> and it is, don't talk to anyone about it, because they'll spoil it for you. >> jimmy: okay. and don't go see it or you'll find out what happens? >> you don't even go anywhere. you watch it at home. and then it will be spoiled for you, in the right way. >> jimmy: okay, all right. that sounds good. how's your dad doing by the way? >> he's doing good. >> jimmy: for those who don't know, alison's dad is billy d.
12:09 am
williams, brian williams of msnbc. >> one of the great human beings. >> jimmy: he really is a very. >> very nice person. do you watch his show? the 11th hour? >> i do. i was shooting overseas for a while. they have a podcast version. so i listened to that. i don't want to brag. >> jimmy: there's nothing to be proud of. >> i do nothing else. so, but i've now, like i listen to him at normal speed, and then i went up to one and a half times speed and then two times speed. i don't want to brag. again, that's not a brag. i'm learning what's cool and not cool. i listen to so many of them, including my dad's. >> jimmy: at double speed. >> i got used to hearing him at double speed. and when i came home and had dinner with him for the first time i was like, you are spking so [ bleep ] swly. it was excruciating. i'm insulted by this. i'm not a child.
12:10 am
>> jimmy: i had that with my dad, too, but it has nothing to do with a podcast. is there a way to speed people up in real life? >> i don't know. but i felt bad. this is actually how you talk, i'm just not used to that. let's go. >> jimmy: that's got to be weird. >> it was weird. a very specific complaint. >> jimmy: please give him my best. the movie is called "the perfection" premieres may 24th on netflix. we'll be right back with patton oswalt. [cheers and applause] ♪
12:11 am
another wireless ad. great. so many of them are full of this complicated, tricky language about their network and offers and blah blah blah. look. sprint's going to do things differently. and let you decide for yourself. they're offering a new 100% total satisfaction guarantee. try it out and see the savings. if you don't love it, get your money back. see? simple. now sprint's unlimited plan comes with one of the newest phones included for just $35 a month. so switch now. for people with hearing loss, visit featuring three new dishes that are planked-to-perfection. feast on new cedar-plank lobster & shrimp. or new colossal shrimp & salmon with a citrusy drizzle. tender, smoky, and together on one plank... ...but not for long- so hurry in! now we look good, right? be! in old navy, always! oh, gingham and dots! what's good here? nothing, i just come for the outfits. hurry in for thousands of styles from just five bucks.
12:12 am
now, at old navy. howl whimper yap yap yap yip licking, scratching, scooting, and rubbing... may be signs of allergic itch, a medical condition that may require fast-acting, prescription apoquel. apoquel has helped over 6 million itchy dogs get the relief they deserve. apoquel goes right to the source of itch to provide relief in as little as four hours! woof because nothing should come between you and your furry friend... ...especially not allergic itch! apoquel is for the control of itch associated with allergic dermatitis and the control of atopic dermatitis in dogs. do not use apoquel in dogs less than 12 months old or those with serious infections. apoquel may increase the chance of developing serious infections and may cause existing parasitic skin infestations or pre-existing cancers to worsen. do not use in breeding, pregnant or lactating dogs. most common side effects are vomiting and diarrhea. don't wait. ask your veterinarian about apoquel today. apoquel. it's fast itch relief. paws down. bark
12:13 am
what is that? uh mine, why? it's just that it's... lavender. yes it is, it's for men but i like the smell of it laughs ♪ (water -♪spitting sound) our thickest, toughest wipe... tackles any mess. ♪oohh, hot stuff theyall over my nachos♪ hot? ♪walkin' like a taco ♪driving over potholes ♪hotter than a pot roast ♪fingers on my hot chips ♪red handed come on man ♪now i'm a need some chopsticks ♪waatay ♪i want it that way the original, now it's hot.
12:14 am
but dad, you've got allstate. with accident forgiveness they guarantee your rates won't go up just because of an accident. smart kid. indeed. are you in good hands? with peak season berries, uniqcreamy avocado. and a dressing fit for a goddess. come taste what a salad should be. and with panera catering, there's more to go around. panera. food as it should be. ♪
12:15 am
it's no ordinary day at denny's it's crepe day. a family tradition we started about twenty-two minutes ago. and from the looks of it, this tradition is going to last awhile. denny's has new crepes! see you at denny's.
12:16 am
if you're going to be in the la. area and want to see the show, call 866-jimmy to jimmy kimmel [tv] i can't just stop loving you. [door bell] ♪ [door bell] ♪ ♪ [door bell] other places deliver food. we deliver more than that. ♪
12:17 am
delivering happy. mcdonalds on uber eats. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ forget about vacuuming for weeks. the (new) roomba i7+ with clean base automatic dirt disposal empties the roomba bin for you. so dt isffr nds.
12:18 am
if it's not from irobot, it's not a roomba. woman 1: this... woman 2: ...this... man 1: ...this is my body of proof. man 2: proof of less joint pain... woman 3: ...and clearer skin. man 3: proof that i can fight psoriatic arthritis... woman 4: ...with humira. woman 5: humira targets and blocks a specific source of inflammation that contributes to both joint and skin symptoms. it's proven to help relieve pain, stop further irreversible joint damage, and clear skin in many adults. humira is the number one prescribed biologic for psoriatic arthritis. (avo): humira can lower your ability to fight infections. serious and sometimes fatal infections, including tuberculosis, and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened, as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common and if you've had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flu-like symptoms or sores. don't start humira if you have an infection. woman 6: ask your rheumatologist about humira.
12:19 am
woman 7: go to to see proof in action. woman 7: go to while america celebrated the fall of prohibition, jim beam didn't raise a single glass. he wanted his first drink to be of his own bourbon. he didn't have much money. but he did have a few friends. people who were raised the right way. over 120 days, they rebuilt the distillery. and while their names might not be on our bottle... it's because of them, we can raise this bourbon today. jim beam. raised right. my name is taylor, and i'm a tv producer. this surface laptop is amazing. it's very powerful, and just speeds up your whole day. this is the type of laptop that i've always needed. it feels weird to be on this side of the camera.
12:20 am
[laughs] but they should be good. money... like a good, clean planet. that's better then a broken dirty one. with good, happy, non disgruntled people. and good nutritious food. all preferable to the not so good alternatives. so, if you agree with this rogue radical thinking, give us a try. we're called clif bar. and our logo looks like this. ♪
12:21 am
>> jimmy: our next guest is one of the funniest men in the world. you can hear all of him in "the secret life of pets 2." it opens in theaters june 7th. please welcome, patton oswalt. [cheers and applause] ♪
12:22 am
>> jimmy: good to see you. >> thank you. >> jimmy: did you know that this is your, we counted, it's your 19th time here on the show. >> 19? oh, my god. so, so the 20? >> jimmy: there will be a parade the next time you're here. >> will there be a championship bracelet or some kind of -- >> jimmy: what would you like? we want to do something special but not something that you wouldn't enjoy. >> i want something symbolic, but i want it to come from your heart. >> jimmy: okay. >> i want you to surprise me. >> jimmy: i'll pull out a vein. >> okay. >> jimmy: is it fair to say that you love comic books? maybe more than anybody i know? you really, really love comic books. >> yeah, i think the only one that surpasses me would be brian poesain. but it's a neck and neck race.
12:23 am
>> jimmy: and i assume you went out to see ajevengers end game. >> we went on the monday after it premiered. so i had to stay off the internet all weekend. >> jimmy: risky. >> i couldn't check twitter or messages from my nerd cabal. >> jimmy: who did you take? >> my wife and our 10-year-old daughter alice. we took her to see this infinity war. are the dust people going to come back? it would have been ballsy, yeah, the people who left. but i was seeing it through my
12:24 am
daughter's eyes. my daughter has such a thing for tom holland. spiderman, she loves tom holland. >> jimmy: oh. adorable. >> she was bummed that he kind of doesn't show up until the end of the of moey. s why didn't he come back sooner? they had to get the gauntlet to snap. couldn't they do a different thing? and i explained. that was the only thing that made her sad. literally, iron man's dying and all these other, sorry. >> jimmy: if you don't know by now, you don't care. >> don't act like, ah, come on! i was waiting for the [ applause ] so that -- >> jimmy: there was an audible gasp. >> like what? like twitter's going to meltdown now, i can't believe he said.
12:25 am
but yeah, she was all about, couldn't there have been, and i reassured her afterwards. my friends were like saying they had to reassure their kids that, well, you know, iron man did something heroic and that's why he died and i had to reassure her, spiderman "far from home" is coming out, you'll have two hours of tom holland. she's fine. >> jimmy: you have to take her to the premiere of that. >> i'm working on that premiere. >> jimmy: you're part of the marvel family. you're doing a show. >> doing a show for disney. >> jimmy: around a character and i remember as a kid this being kind of ridiculous. t characters called modoc. >> jimmy: what does it stand for? >> it's either mobile or mechanized organism designed only for killing. modok. and -- nothing really?
12:26 am
[ applause ] he is a, he is such a ridiculous character. it was jack kirby on a bad day. look at this guy. which, by the way, this is the original modok. cut to a closeup of like it's kind of a, i was, yeah. >> jimmy: if they were to put your head into a can or something like that. you could be very modok. >> and there's captain america listening to the smiths. he's very bummed out right now. modok is very angry at him. so he's this weird, giant, genius head with a forehead laser as you have. >> jimmy: so you're doing this. >> with a great writer named toi o modok. >> jimmy: have you thought about how modok might deliver these words on this card? >> i could try, here's the problem. right now. we're writing lines for him.
12:27 am
so there are times when i will do the lines and i'm trying to do this "i am modok", like a voice. and the other animators are like you can probably use your own voice, and i don't want my voice to match that. i want to think that i have to change my voice. but they're like, no. that actually fits perfectly. no, it doesn't! no! so there's a little bit of a push-pull right now. i feel like i can be in the recording booth and do a bunch of takes as whatever voice i develop. and they say do some fun takes with your own voice, and i swear to god. >> jimmy: your whole family, you're all doing this voice work, your wife and daughter and you were on "my little pony." correct me if i'm wrong, it's a cartoon you watch for sexual gratification. >> i mean, that's were hy it wa originally made for adults and kids found out and kind of ran
12:28 am
with it. it started with pete booze on 42nd street in the late '70s. >> jimmy: a great origin story. >> it really is. my wife, meredith, who does a lot of voiceovers, they came to me, because i did a character. i did a character on "my little pony" a couple years ago. we're like, we want to bring your character back and we have a story about mixed families and that's kind of like what you're going through, you remarried. meredith is alice's mom, so they wrote this great episode where meredith plays this pony named clear sky that i'm in love with. she plays a you know kourn. yeah, unicorns have magic powers in the show. >> jimmy: and in life, too. >> exactly. and in porn. [ applause ] and then my daughter plays a little pony named windsprint who's a pegasus, those are the ones that can fly. and i'm of course an earth pony
12:29 am
with no powers named quibble pants. and i'm trying to win the daughter over even though i'm not a jock. >> jimmy: you're in "the secret life of pets 2." but this is not from "the secret life of pets2" but from "my little pony". >> who is this? >> this is my daughter windsprint. >> and she is pretty amazing, too. >> wind, did you thank quibble forestanding in line so we'd first too? >> thanks. >> there's a lot of early stuff where she has to be, uh, and she's 10 now, which means she's just on the edge of the eye rolling and the oh, dad. so she was just able to nail it, such a natural. >> jimmy: that must delight you beyond anything.
12:30 am
>> oh. holiday are yo how old are your kids now? >> jimmy: i don't even know. >> they will, no matter how great your kids are, they will get, and it's party of the development. they have to go oh, dad, you know, and you have to be the square parent going oh, you'll enjoy david bowie, whatever. they don't, you have to do it. >> jimmy: it's great to see you. the movie is "the secret life of pets 2" opens in theaters june 7th. and we'll return with music from tedeschi trucks band. >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing.
12:31 am
12:32 am
>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: i want to thank allison williams and patton oswalt. apologies to matt damon. "nightline" is next. but first, this is their album, it's called "signs." here with the song "shame,"
12:33 am
tedeschi trucks band! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ shame ohh there's poison in the well shame ♪ ♪ you know we can't unring the bell though i tried oh to let it all fall away ♪ ♪ oh but somehow i i hear exactly what you say ♪ ♪ makes me wonder why you're broken lord you have to wonder where are we going ♪ ♪ someday
12:34 am
oh you know it can't be long someday ♪ ♪ when your train has come and gone just remember ♪ ♪ all that stuff you used to say you got to pick yourself up ♪ ♪ you got to get right back out you got to do it all over again ♪ ♪ now i've tried oh to let it all fall away oh but somehow ♪ ♪ i'd love to see him in pain ♪ ♪ makes me wonder why i'm broken lord you've got to wonder what's in the air ♪ ♪
12:35 am
♪ shame oh the hurt they put on me and you shame shame shame ♪ ♪ you know they're murdering the truth now i've tried oh to let it all fall away ♪ ♪ oh but somehow i have nothing left to say and i wonder why we're broken ♪ ♪ oh don't you wonder ♪ oh don't you wonder what's in the air ♪
12:36 am
♪ ♪ oh don't you wonder ♪ ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]
12:37 am
this is "nightline." tonight the alabama governor signing into law one of the most restrictive abortion bans in the nation. >> all human life is precious. >> what do we do? >> stand up, fight back. >> the impassioned reactions across the country. >> a doctor in the state of alabama at this point would go to jail longer than my rapist. >> could this be a supreme court showdown? >> reversing rowe isn't the scary boogeyman the other side tries to claim. plus, her story in her own words, describing her own abortion, why she says all women should have save access to the medical procedure. >> who are you to tell me what to do with my


info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on