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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  June 17, 2019 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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all right. that's our report. we appreciate your time. i'm dan ashley. >> and i'm >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, christina applegate, comedian anthony jeselnik, our father's day youtube challenge, and music from rob thomas. and now, don't worry, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks for coming. it's -- oh, that's very kind. i hope that you -- [ cheers and applause ] i hope you had a warm and wonderful father's day weekend. happy father's day to all the dads. every instagram yesterday was filled with pictures of people's dads looking like they starred in a 1970s cop show. [ laughter ] mustache, no shirt. did everybody look leek a porn
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star back then? [ laughter ] or did porn stars look like everyone? i'm not sure. but father's day of course is the day on which we punish dad for having sex with our mothers by forcing him to talk on the phone. [ laughter ] it was an especially special father's day because we heard from some folks we haven't heard from in quite a while, including bill cosby, who took time to tweet "hey hey hey, it's america's dad. i don't sleep. but to all the dads it's an honor to be called a father. so let's make today a renewed oath to fulfilling our purpose, strengthening our families and communities." well, thanks, dr. huxtable. what an uplifting message from jail. [ laughter ] somebody's now slipping roofies into his own drinks. by the way, i don't think hey hey hey works anymore. as a general rule, your first public statement after going to prison for sexual assault shouldn't start with "hey hey hey." [ laughter ] if you hear the words "hey hey hey" cover your drinks.
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okay? and by the way, how is it that bill cosby is legally blind twreeting from presumably a prison library computer? there are still fewer typos and spelling errors than every one of the president's tweets. [ cheers and applause ] and by the way, that wasn't even -- that wasn't even the strange esst father's day news twitter. this is. guess who got himself a twitter account. that's right, heisman trophy killer o.j. simpson is on twitter now. he posted some videos and wrote "thanks to all my new followers. love learning how to use twitter." he's only been on twitter for like four day, he's already got almost 700,000 followers. the last time o.j. had this many people following him he was on the 405 headed to the mexican border. [ applause ] o.j. is only following eight people. which is probably good because i can't think of anything scarier than getting a notification on my phone saying o.j. simpson is following you.
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[ laughter ] but apparently, o.j. has some things to get off his chest and so he's tweeting videos. we can't have the measles back and o.j. at the same time. it's too much. [ laughter ] so yesterday o.j., bill cosby, and donald trump all tweeted at right around the same time. it was like the thanos snap of social media. [ laughter ] the other sociopath that spends all his time on the golf course tweeted "happy father's day to all including my worst and most vicious critics of which there are fewer and fewer. this is a fantastic time to be an american. keep america great." trump spent his father's day golfing yesterday. not with his kids. with lindsey graham. but senator graham did call the president daddy the whole time. [ laughter ] so it was fatherly in a way. this is a weird one. trump took time out this weekend to lash out at "the new york times." that's not the weird part. that he does twice a week. but he wrote, "do you believe that the failing "new york times" just did a story stating that the united states is substantially increasing cyberattacks on russia? this is a virtual act of treason
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by a once great paper so desperate for a story, any story, even if bad for our country." a virtual act of treason, says the man who openly invited a foreign enemy to hack his opponent in the election. but here's the funny part of it. i read this story in the "times" i thought oh, good, we're finally doing something to fight back against these russian cyberattacks. and then trump said "not true. anything goes with our corrupt news media today. they'll do or say whatever it takes with not even the slightest thought of consequence. these are true cowards and without a doubt the enemy of the people." so he says it is not true, we aren't going after russia. but sources inside the pentagon and the intelligence community told the "times" the reason that he's saying it's not true is because they didn't tell him about this. [ laughter ] they were hesitant to share the plan because he might discuss it with foreign officials and compromise the mission. basically, they didn't tell him for the same reason my wife didn't tell my 4-year-old what they got me for father's day.
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[ laughter ] so we're in good little hands, everybody. have you been watching this multipart chat with trump and george stephanopoulos? abc news showed more of it on friday night and sunday morning. there's -- it's a spirited back and forth. like this exchange in which trump and george get into it over what the mueller report actually says. >> mueller comes out, there's no collusion, and essentially a ruling that no obstruction. and they keep going with it. you know, what people are angry about it. >> we don't have time for that and i will -- >> excuse me. he found no collusion and he didn't find anything having to do with obstruction because they made a ruling based on his findings and they said no obstruction. >> he didn't examine collusion. he laid out evidence -- >> are you trying to say now that there was collusion? even though he said there is no collusion? >> he didn't say there's no collusion. >> and he said no collusion. zple said he didn't -- >> george, the report said no collusion. >> did you read the report? >> yes, i did. and you should read it too. >> i read it.
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>> you should read it too. >> jimmy: that's a fun back seat chat. and i tell you something. [ applause ] maybe most of all they made their uber driver very uncomfortable. [ laughter ] and then back at the oval office trump wouldn't let it go. he continued to insist that robert mueller's conclusion was no collusion. >> he gave us no collusion. that was a very big thing. >> he did not say that. >> frankly, he did say that. >> he explicitly didn't look at collusion. he said -- >> did you read the report? >> i did. he said there was insufficient evidence to -- >> read the report. read the conclusion of the report. just read it. >> jimmy: to me, please. because i haven't read it. [ laughter ] there's no way he read that report. zero percent chance. trump also insisted that despite what his lawyer specifically told the special counsel he never suggested or ordered the firing of robert mueller. he says his lawyer lied. and then he claimed he's been treated worse than any president including abraham lincoln.
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[ laughter ] who as you know was treated very badly in that theater. in fact, they got a lot of negative reviews on yelp for it. but this maybe my favorite part of the whole thing, and this really sums the president up. at one point during the interview he's bragging about the financial statement he refuses to let anyone see and was interrupted by a coughing fit from his chief of staff. >> but at some point i hope they get it because it's a -- [ coughing ]. it's a fantastic financial statement. it's a fantastic financial statement. and -- let's do that over. he's coughing in the middle of my answer. >> yeah. okay. >> i don't like that. you know? >> your chief of staff. >> if you're going to cough, please leave the room. >> get a shot of -- i'll come over here. >> you just can't -- >> sorry. >> you want to do that over again? >> yeah. let me just change the angle. >> yep. thank you. >> so at some point -- so at some point i look forward to -- frankly i'd like to have people see my financial statement.
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[ applause ] >> jimmy: and in fairness to his chief of staff, you try breathing in a room where a man just went through four cans of hairspray. you'd cough also. [ laughter ] george stephanopoulos spent about 30 hours traveling with trump. and it's really -- i enjoyed seeing the president go about his day. >> this is some piece of machinery. >> oh, this is amazing. feel the wind. it's nothing. bye, everybody. >> jimmy: all right. back to father's day. what did benji do for you for father's day? >> guillermo: he was helping my wife making breakfast for me. >> jimmy: what did they make you? >> guillermo: pancakes, eggs, akon. >> jimmy: pancakes, eggs, bacon. did you eat it in bed or did you eat it at the table? >> guillermo: no, at the table with the family. >> jimmy: with the family. >> guillermo: yes. >> jimmy: very good. was it good? >> guillermo: of course. >> jimmy: everything was cooked beautifully? >> guillermo: well done. >> jimmy: basically they set up an ihop in your home. >> guillermo: yes, something like that. >> jimmy: every year on father's day we issue a youtube
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challenge. over the years we've asked kids to do a lot of unusual things to their dads. and this year the challenge was to throw a slice of cheese on his face. like the reverse of those videos where the parents throw the cheese on the baby's faces. we got hundreds of videos, and we whittled them down to the best. with that said, i am proud to present the results of our father's day youtube challenge for 2019. [ applause ] [ laughter ] >> [ bleep ] what's wrong with you? >> hey. is that cheese? >> [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] >> oh, hell, no.
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>> dad. >> oh, geez. guys. what are you doing? >> you know cheese costs money? >> come on -- not in my new car. >> he's on the right. why did you do that? >> jimmy kimmel made me do it.
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>> oh, happy father's day to me. >> dad, it's for jimmy kimmel. are you mad? >> oh! >> [ bleep ]. >> let me see the -- >> it was -- >> get in here and run like a [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] [ snoring ]
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[ laughter ] >> happy father's day. >> jimmy: oh, the final indignity. [ cheers and applause ] thanks to everyone who took part. especially those who are now deceased. we have a great show for you tonight. we have music from rob thomas. anthony jeselnik is here. and we'll be right back with christina applegate. [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: abc's "jimmy kimmel live," brought to you by mercedes-benz. just the automobile, will transform nt but mobility itself. an autonomous-thinking vehicle protecting those inside and out. and it's the mercedes-benz of today that will help us get there. the 2019 e-class, with innovations
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: well, hello.
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we are back. tonight on the show his new netflix comedy special is called "fire in the maternity ward," anthony jeselnik is here. and then his latest album is called "chip tooth smile" rob thomas from the mercedes-benz stage. you can see rob on tour tomorrow night at the greek theatre in los angeles. and then as he gets to other cities you can see him in those too. tomorrow night joel mchale and betty gilpin will join us with music from santana and later this week miles teller, kumail nanjiani, ayesha curry, jim acosta, himesh patel, music from hollywood vampires featuring alice cooper, joe perry and johnny depp. so please join us then. our first guest tonight describes her newest show as a "traumedy," which is a combination of trauma and comedy. it's called "dead to me" and it's available on netflix now. please welcome christina applegate. [ cheers and applause ]
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thanks for coming. >> i have to say something. i don't remember that being held in a box before you come out. >> jimmy: mm-hmm. >> i'm claustrophobic. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> so literally everything you were saying i was quietly saying just "shut up, shut up, shut up." >> jimmy: oh, before you came out. >> i needed it to be open. >> jimmy: have you talked to anyone about this? >> no. i've never felt like this. >> jimmy: well, i'm sorry. >> it's okay. i love you and i love coming here. >> jimmy: well, we love having you. >> i'll be in your box anytime you want me to be. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: how is father's day at your house? was anyone hit by cheese? >> no. it was a thrilling 3 1/2 hours at a dance recital. because that's what all dads want to be doing. >> jimmy: oh, wait a minute. the school or the dance class? >> her dance class.
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we were there for 3 1/2 hours. >> jimmy: on father's day they scheduled this? >> they did. >> jimmy: oh, wow. >> they hate herr dadditheir da apparently at this place. >> jimmy: and they spread the dances out so -- >> there was like 4500 dance numbers. but my daughter was beautiful. sadie, you were beautiful. >> jimmy: how old is your daughter? >> she's 8. she's in the green room. >> jimmy: how many dances did she do? >> she did two. she did a contemporary number and she did a ballet number. she did great. >> jimmy: that's a toeflt six minutes? >> it's two out of 4500. >> jimmy: oh, wow. and your husband was okay with this? yeah. [ laughter ] >> took him out to brunch, got him a bloody mary. you know what i mean? >> jimmy: i would hope so. that's bad timing, i guess. >> it's okay. >> jimmy: but father's day is -- you know, nobody really cares i'm seeing about father's day. because my son woke me up at 6:05 and i was kind of laying there hoping my wife would get up and she didn't. so i just got up.
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[ laughter ] >> that's what happened to me on mother's day. not this year but last year. i was like yeah, all i really want is maybe you guys make me breakfast or something in bed or something like that and get up before me. and like no. >> jimmy: and go away. >> you i was like downstairs making breakfast. >> jimmy: with your daughter -- >> but it was good. don't worry, sadie, i love you. >> jimmy: do you teach her how to dance? because you were on broadway. you did "sweet charity." that thing. that was a big dancing -- >> yeah. i mean, she listens to, you know, other people more than me. but i'll show her stuff. i'm like -- i'm like the pointing toe police. and i'm so annoying. i feel so bad because i'm always just point your toes. point your toes. just point your toes. >> jimmy: do you help her with her homework? because went to like kid show business school, right? you didn't actually go to real -- >> so i'm half brain dead. >> jimmy: right. [ laughter ] >> one plus two is 17. >> jimmy: they don't look at grades. they look at ratings. they're like the rate rgz great, she passes english. >> sign her on.
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she gets her degree. yeah, i was really shocked like how hard the second grade homework was. >> jimmy: is it? >> yeah. i was -- i'd look at it and i'd be like, i -- i have no idea, honey. >> jimmy: do you go into the school and do that kind of stuff? >> i do. i volunteer in the library. that's kind of my happy place. >> jimmy: the library? is it a real library? >> i'm actually the vice president of the library league. >> jimmy: wilthere's a library league? >> there's one of two. we run the library for miss myrtle. i love you, myrtle. we miss you. >> jimmy: is that her real name or her librarian name? >> that's her librarian name. her real name is candy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: is it like a traditional -- because most schools a library is just like a pile of books. but do you like shush people and do all that -- >> i do a lot of shushing. guys. library. >> jimmy: how many books can they check out? >> they can check out two books. they can't have more than two
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books out at a time. and oftentimes if they don't bring their books back, the little kindergartners will come up to me to check out their books and i say they've got two books out. and they're like i don't understand. and i'm like you don't get a book. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you have to be pretty hardcore, i guess. >> tell your mommy and daddy to put them in your backpack. >> jimmy: that song from -- i don't remember what year it was. that song "set adrift on memory bliss." that song by p.m. dawn. when they mentioned you in that song, did you know that was going to happen? >> no. someone told me about it. and then i heard it and i was like, at least it's a good song. >> jimmy: yeah, it was a good song. >> it could have been could havn ♪ christina applegate -- i don't understand -- >> jimmy: i don't understand what it means either. >> you've got to put me on something or other. and then he talks about -- >> jimmy: which side of the
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cake. >> you're going to eat from. >> jimmy: something like that about a cake. >> i don't know what that means. but -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: at that time when that was happening were you deluged by people asking you about that? >> i don't remember because i don't remember the '90s. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] one of them things. >> jimmy: one of the guys who works in our music department is saying that when he was a kid his mom allowed him one poster on the wall. >> what in the -- >> jimmy: and that is a poster of you with a snake. >> yeah. because that all makes sense. >> jimmy: is that an owl or a falcon? >> it's a falcon. >> jimmy: it's a falcon. do you know why you had a snake and a -- i mean, this is like -- >> this is when it was accepted to do weird stuff like this. i don't know. i guess they were like kelly bundy likes nature. [ laughter ] you know what i mean? >> jimmy: is that one of kelly
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bundy's -- >> she loves animals. >> jimmy: that show was on for 11 seasons, right? >> yeah, 11. >> jimmy: did you have a big series finale like these shows seem to have now? >> no, man. i actually learned that we were canceled from the radio but not like firsthand. someone had -- was listening to kevin and bean. >> jimmy: oh. i was on that show. >> i heard. >> jimmy: yeah. >> kevin and bean knew before me. >> jimmy: they know everything. >> and they said something. and then someone i knew had heard it on kevin and bean and then called me to tell me that the show was canceled. >> jimmy: oh, no. >> that's how they operated. >> jimmy: you got the news from kevin and bean? >> from kevin and bean. >> jimmy: is it too late to put a finale together? >> i think so. >> jimmy: it is, yeah. when we come back, we'll talk about your new show, which is hugely -- i have to say not a day goes by that i don't hear people talking about this show. >> that's crazy. >> jimmy: it's called "dead to me." christina applegate is here with us. we'll be right back.
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what happened? what did he say? >> god, he's a [ bleep ]. he's like the worst kind of [ bleep ]. he's like a secret [ bleep ]. as you you don't know it at first. >> because he's so good-looking and charming. >> he's so good-looking it comes
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back around the other side. >> thank you. i could not have done that myself. i don't know why i can't say no to him. >> because you're an addict. you have to put down the pipe. >> by the pipe you mean his penis. >> yes, i mean his penis. obviously. >> it's so hard for me to put that down. >> jimmy: christina applegate and land linda card'llini in " know" i have a rule in my life that if ten people tell me you have to watch to show you have to watch this show. and boy, i must have had 30 people telling me i have to watch this show. it's funny and also sad but very compelling as well. you must be thrilled. you never know what a show's going to do. >> no, you don't. and -- yeah, i think this is the first time i've ever had this kind of reaction to something that i've been a part of and we're really proud and we feel really grate tofl liz feldman for creating it and -- >> jimmy: do you look at the reviews, which have been universally positive? >> i normally don't do that
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because it can really mess with the old brain. >> jimmy: make you claustrophobic, they say. [ laughter ] >> read a lot of reviews, then -- but something like popped up like randomly on my like twitter thing. it said something real nice, like the headline was real, real nice. and i was like oh, well, should i -- i'm clicking with the mouse? >> jimmy: yeah. >> and then i read it and then i went down a rabbit hole. and i was like oh, but they were all nice and then there was one that was like a little nasty toward me. and i was like, yep, of course. i suck. [ laughter ] all the other ones were so beautiful and sweet and kind to the show and linda and myself. and that's the one i held on to. that's the one i went to the bathroom and i went i'm not worthy. >> jimmy: oh, that's crazy. how do you handle a show like this when all the episodes come out at once and then you don't know when it's okay to talk about what happens at the end of the show?
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>> well, it was hard because we did our junket before it had like launched, dropped, whatever the thing you do these days. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and we could literally -- like it's a show. >> jimmy: yeah, you can't really say anything about it. >> that was the end of it. >> jimmy: has that changed? >> yeah, now we can talk about it. unless someone in here has not seen it. raise your hands if you have not seen it. o'one -- oh, really? thanks. >> jimmy: that's a real good ratio. i mean, half of them are lying. >> they all die at the end. [ laughter ] you're welcome. no. >> jimmy: i like where you -- you know, it's weird because you were watching "the facts of life" on the show. watching another tv show and talking about which member of the house -- i don't even know if people remember "facts of life." but i happened to watch a couple of episodes this weekend. and when you said you thought of yourself -- you think of yourself as i think as most
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substantial women do as a jo. >> yeah. me as christina always related to jo. but i wanted to be a blair. i wanted to be the pretty blond. but i knew in my heart i was a jo. and then i get this show and the character is like pissed off that -- >> jimmy: that she's -- >> judy's like i think we're a blair. and she's like i'm a jo. i get it. >> jimmy: i wonder how many people have an idea what we're talking about. >> i would say to linda, you're a mrs. garrett. >> jimmy: i think of myself as a tootie. >> i love what linda says, she goes, i'm a tootie. it's complicated. >> jimmy: well, it's great to have you here. congratulations. is a second season of the show has been picked up already. >> it has. we're back to work in september. >> jimmy: it's called "dead to me." it's on netflix. christina applegate. we'll be right back with anthony jeselnik. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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when it comes to 10-month-old mariah, tayshawn, you are not -- >> [ bleep ]. >> you are not the father!
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, hi there. rob thomas is on the way. our next guest is a very funny guy who also happens to be a comedian, which works out nicely for him. he has a new comedy special called "fire in the maternity ward" available now on netflix. please welcome anthony jeselnik. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ good to see you.
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>> great to see you. >> jimmy: how was your father's day? did you do a big thing for dad have a deal or gifts or anything like that? >> no. >> jimmy: nothing, huh? >> i might have called him. i'm not sure. but no gift for garth's dafathe. what i did do, he's turning 70 at the end of the summer, august 31st. and i got in touch with the pittsburgh pirates. we're in pittsburgh. and on his 70th birthday he's going to throw out the first pitch and i'm going to catch it. >> jimmy: oh, wow. nice. [ cheers and applause ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: does he know that this is happening or is he just finding out about this? >> i thought about surprising him. but then i'm like he's going to kill himself. so i wanted to give him a chance to warm up. and now i'm afraid i did give him too much time. >> jimmy: you did give him too much time. >> he's going to throw out the shoulder. he's re excited about it. >> jimmy: has he really been working on it? >> i just told him on father's day. he's still looking for his mitt to be honest. but i think he'll be ready. i'm very excited for that. >> jimmy: you aren't going to
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throw in a mitt with that when you -- because you do need a mitt even though he's not catching any balls. he's just pitching. >> jimmy, i'm not made of money. i'm not going to get him a mitt and let him throw out the first pitch. >> jimmy: yeah. that is something that you can think too much about. you may have actually done a terrible thing to your father by giving hmm a heads-up. >> originally i wanted him to have to wear the parrot costume and run around. but they said he's 70, it's too much. >> jimmy: it's too much. >> yeah. >> jimmy: your special, your stand-up comedy special, is very funny. >> thank you. >> jimmy: and also really -- i mean, like -- you have to -- it's outrageous in many, many ways. and i'm sure you're aware of that. >> i mean, it's called "fire in the maternity ward." >> jimmy: yes. well titled. >> yes. >> jimmy: do you ever have people -- like i know people, most of your audience knows who you are and what you're about. but do you have people that are just plain shocked when they come to see you? >> every time. >> jimmy: every time. and you like that. >> i love it. it's usually -- it's like people who really love me and love my comedy and are there, they know
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what they're going to see. and then their dates. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i see. >> and their dates leave pretty quickly. >> jimmy: so you end a lot of relationships -- in fact, it's probably a service in a way that you're providing. z >> i've actually heard stories of like my fiance left me bays took her to your show and we got into a fight afterwards. and i said you don't understand what he's doing comedically. and they're like no, this is over. and i take great pride in that. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's good. you saved them a lot of time. you really have. in what venues does your act go over least well, least successfully? >> lately, prisons. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> yeah. >> jimmy: have you been locked up? >> no, i've not been locked up. i drink. >> jimmy: yes. >> and i'm friends with a band named queens of the stone age. a great band. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and they come to see me die show and we're drinking afterwards and we're talking about touring. we're both almost done. we say we're going to finish up
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and then we're doing one show at san quentin state penitentiary. they're like we're going to do a live album, be like johnny cash, it's all exciting. and i'm just drunk enough to say do you need an opener? and they're like, yeah, that would be great. and so i forget about it. a couple of weeks later the prison sends me the rules of what i'm not allowed to say. >> jimmy: what are the rules? >> no swearing. >> jimmy: really? >> no religion. no sex. no drugs. no violence. nothing that will rile up the prisoners. basically, it's my set list with the word "no" in front of everything. [ laughter ] and i'm like, i don't know how i'm going to do this. so i called the band and i'm like, guys, i might have to bail. and they're like no, no, no, you're cool. if they cut your mike off, whatever, it's still punk rock, it will be fun, you'll do a show. so i say okay, let's go. and my concern when i get there are the prisoners. everyone there is a murderer. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and we get off and everyone's
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looking around the different like prisoners were like -- they're side-eyeing us. i'm waving at people but they're giving me the finger. i don't know what's going on. and then all of a sudden i'm surrounded by four guys with shotguns who work there. not prisoners. they work there. [ laughter ] and the warden is in my face. like in my face. not like thank you for being here. like what are you doing here kind of thing. and i'm not used to this. and he says, anthony, you're my favorite comedian. you're my wife's favorite comedian. and that's a lie. people say to me, before they give me bad news. and he says, you know, but i've watched some of your stuff on youtube and it's offensive. but that's what makes it funny. we love it. i don't know about here. i don't know if it's going to work. and i realize he's trying to get me to step down. >> jimmy: oh. >> but i'm not going to do that. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's a long drive, right? >> yeah. and i've got a problem with authority. it's a warden. i feel like i'm in "cool hand luke" all of a sudden.
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so i'm like, well, warden, if the problem is the stuff you've seen on youtube, don't worry, guys, this is going to be all new material. nobody laughs. then the warden's like i just don't know, things can go sideways with these prisoners. i'm like, i've had things go sideways all the time. it's not a big deal for me. and he's like i just don't know. and i go, well, warden, what we've got here is a failure to communicate. [ laughter ] and i think this is going to get them to crack. nothing. >> jimmy: no? >> nothing. not even a smile. >> jimmy: really? >> he's like i just don't know. and i said warden, what do you want me to do now that i'm here? you could have made this phone call yesterday and i wouldn't have gotten on a plane. i'd be happily sitting at home. i think they were afraid if they said i couldn't come the band wouldn't come. and if they told the band i
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wasn't allowed to go, the and would have said okay. no one caches. >> jimmy: there would have been no stand taken on your behalf. >> but now i'm here, i'm not going to back down. i say warden, what do you want me to do now that i'm here right now in front of you? i made the trip. and the warden says, well, i'm not intimidated by you at all. >> jimmy: what? >> it's about to get physical with the warden. [ laughter ] i don't even know what to say. and he's like, it's a problem. we've got a new governor. you know, this is november. we've got a new governor. i've got to worry about everything. i just don't know. i don't know. he walks away. i look at the band. i'm like, i'm going to kill all of you for making me do this. so i've got to get on stage somehow. they're not going to let me perform but i'm going to do something. so i go up to the warden. he's showing us around. he's got his daughter with him, his 23-year-old daughter. this place is so safe because of me i can bring my daughter. and i'm like, but i can't perform? >> jimmy: yeah. you'd think a couple of jokes would be all right. >> i pull the warden aside, i go warden, you've got a lovely daughter, this is a great prison. please, just let me be a part of
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this. >> jimmy: great prison. [ laughter ] >> it's one of the best. [ laughter ] if you ever kill somebody and you get your say of where to go, go to san quentin. and i say warden, just let me go introduce the band and then i'll leave. and he says, thank you, and shakes my hand. now, keep in mind, jimmy, that is not what i'm going to do. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no. >> so we're about to go. i'm in the wings of the -- side of the stage with the band. and then -- good luck, man. whatever you do, don't worry about us. don't worry about what you say. we're going to be fine. and this woman goes, gets up, this old lady who kind of like put it all together. she stands up and says i want to thank the crew. and then she says, now i'd like to introduce and then looks over at me, looks me right in the eyes, and says, i'd like to introduce a very nice young man. [ laughter ] anthony. that is the worst way you can
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introduce someone at a prison, is a very nice young man. so i'm just like, all right. i walk up. the crowd is screaming. they're just like, whoo. catcalling. i grab the mike. [ laughter ] and i say, listen, guys. i've been doing this for 17 years. i'm a famous comedian. so if you haven't heard of me, you must have done something pretty [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] the crowd goes crazy. exactly what they wanted. the band is like -- the band's laughing. everyone's laughing. my microphone has been cut off. >> jimmy: oh. >> so i drop the mike and i go to introduce the band. right as i'm about to introduce the band i see the warden and his daughter. and i think, oh, this is too good an opportunity to pass up. so i yell, and i'd like to thank
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the warden for bringing us his daughter. [ laughter ] now, at this point -- at this point, jimmy, no one laughs. >> jimmy: even the prisoners -- >> the prisoners are like, whoa. i may have killed a guy but i wouldn't do that. [ laughter ] this guy's nuts. thank god he's leaving after this. and i walk off. the band is looking at me like i can't believe -- you should have set some limits. they go on and play for an hour. i'm watching from the side. someone taps me on the shoulder and says, the warden would like you to come watch the show with him. i'm not falling for that. i'm good right here. the show ends, the band's like let's get the hell out of here now. we go to run into the van to
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leave. someone taps me on the shoulder. i turn around, it's the warden. >> jimmy: oh. >> he shakes my hand and says next time you come to town my wife and i are going to have to come to see you. i said warden, the next time you see me i'll be humiliating you on television. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well, hi, warden. "fire in the maternity ward" is on netflix now. anthony jeselnik, everybody. we'll be right back with rob thomas! ♪ >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing.
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>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: thanks to christina applegate, anthony jeselnik. "nightline" is next. but first, this is his album. it's called "chip tooth smile." here with the song "one less day," rob thomas! ♪ i'm not afraid of getting older
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i'm one less day from dying young ♪ ♪ i see the light go past my shoulder i'm one less day from dying young ♪ ♪ i see my life like a train on a one way track i've made mistakes ♪ ♪ and i couldn't take 'em back and i've been running round in circles til i'm ♪ ♪ dizzy i can't lie but every night i go to sleep's the day that i survived ♪ ♪ i'm not afraid of getting older i'm one less day from dying young ♪ ♪ i see the light go past my shoulder i'm one less day from dying young ♪ ♪ i've seen my friends fall away before their time and i've been afraid that i may follow ♪ ♪ in their light so i drink and love and whisper all the things ♪
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♪ i know are right someday i will leave this world but maybe not tonight ♪ ♪ i'm not afraid i'm not afraid of getting older i'm one less day ♪ ♪ one less day from dying young and i see the light i see the light ♪ ♪ go past my shoulder i'm one less day i'm one less day from dying young ♪ ♪ i'm one less day i'm one less day from dying young ♪ ♪ all my life i have been wandering burning up my candle like my time just won't end ♪ ♪ and i'll keep burning til there's nothing left praying that tomorrow i can do it all again ♪ ♪ if i get tomorrow i will do it all again 'cause i'm not afraid of getting older ♪ ♪ i'm one less day from dying young i see the light
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go past my shoulder ♪ ♪ i'm one less day from dying young i'm not afraid i'm not afraid ♪ ♪ of getting older i'm one less day one less day from dying young ♪ ♪ from dying young and i see the light i see the light go past my shoulder ♪ ♪ i'm one less day i'm one less day from dying young from dying young ♪ ♪ i'm one less day i'm one less day from dying young from dying young ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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this is "nightline." >> tonight, 30 hours. >> are you guys ready? okay. >> one on one with president trump. the unprecedented access. on the road and in the oval office. >> the fbi director is wrong. .> what he said about the >> no collusion with russia. there was no collusion. >> to his relationship with north korea's kim jong un. >> you think he's still building nuclear weapons? >> i hope not. he promised me he wouldn't be. >> the reactions pouring in. plus, the juice is loose. >> hey, twitter world. this is yours truly. >> o.j. simpson's viral twitter debut vowing to tweet about everything by first getting personal about khloe kardashian. >> awful these stories are just bogus.


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