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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  May 26, 2020 11:35pm-12:06am PDT

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thank you so much nor joining us t ♪ ba, da, ba, da, ba, da, ba, da, ba, da, ba, da, ba, da ♪ ♪ jimmy kimmel live this is ridiculous, from his house. >> jimmy: hello. i'm jimmy kimmel and welcome to the opposite of a spin class. thank you for being with me, even if it's because you literally have nowhere else to go. i hope you had a pleasant memorial day. we spent the long weekend trying to put the duvet cover back on the bed. fun. this was a weird memorial day. i think we can all agree that zoom barbecues suck. this weekend, donald trump, by unauthorized presidential order, made a sweeping declaration to open all churches, temples and places of worship in an effort to make sure the most devout americans get a chance to
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contract the coronavirus too. it was a controversial decision, one that could endanger the lives of many, but anyone who knows donald trump knows that he is a man of great faith. and so on sunday morning -- he went to church. for the first time. he went to -- wait, that's not church. he went to golf? he went to play golf during the pandemic, because that's what jesus would do? i guess. i don't know trump thinks he's at the u.s. open while the u.s. is closed. and, you know, people say he's unfit to be president. they forget, he's barely even fit to play golf! trump claimed in two separate tweets that he was golfing to get exercise, even though he rode in a cart. that he drove. the point liger woods seems to be missing is that it looks bad for the president to be golfing with a 100 thousand americans dead and a stay at home order in place. but try explaining optics to a guy who stared directly into an eclipse. not to mention the brazen hypocrisy.
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in the, there's a clip for everything department, here's donald trump with his "fox and friends," talking about obama golfing during the ebola scare in 2014. >> right after he talked to the health and human services secretary, he went golfing, for the 200th round of golf of his presidency. >> well, he certainly knows a good game, because golf is a great game. nobody likes it more than me. but he's played a lot of golf. there's no question about it, and when you're president, you sort of say, i'm going to give did up for a couple years and really focus on the job. >> jimmy: and here's the fox team again yesterday, replacing dear leader's divot for him. >> joe biden's campaign has already pulled that video of the president playing golf and did a campaign ad saying how dare he play golf when so many people are suffering with the virus. and the president says hey,
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look, i haven't played golf since march, and we can do this safely. >> people are going out, fishing, golfing, all the things we pretty much should have been doing all along, you can do that safely. >> jimmy: oh, so he's a hero! leading the way! do they know that it's not safe to have your nose so far up the president's ass right now? there's a virus going around. they have no shame and no youtube either, i guess. trump spent what is supposed to be a weekend of gratitude and remembrance, golfing, tweeting nut job conspiracy theories and mocking joe biden for wearing a mask to a memorial day event. white house press secretary kylie macaroni asked why her boss would criticize biden for doing what the cdc tells us to do, wear a face mask in public, and she had a really great answer for that. >> look, you know, the president's excited to see that joe emerged from the basement.
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it is a bit peculiar in the basement, next to his wife, he's not wearing one, but he's wearing one outside when he's socially distanced. >> jimmy: no you don't. you're a willfully ignorant woman. and this mask thing is dangerous because, all of a sudden now, it's a political "statement." whether you wear a mask or not determines what side you're on. this was the scene at lake of the ozarks in missouri this weekend. you see, they had a pool party. they called it the "zero ducks given" party. and this is unbelievable. i can't imagine wanting to do this if there was no coronavirus. you know what that scene reminds me of? this renaissance painting of hell. although hell looks cleaner. the st. louis county department of health is urging anyone who was at this party to self-quarantine for two weeks. yes, i'm sure the guy with the barbed wire tattoo and a three-foot mojito is going to get right on that. there were plenty of bonehead beach-goers in gulf shores, alabama too. and in case you're wondering who
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put the idea that they don't have to wear masks in their empty heads, i'll give you three guesses. >> president trump is part of this conversation. >> i mean, if he's not wearing a mask, i'm not going to wear a mask. if he's not worried, i'm not worried. >> the president? >> yes, sir. >> jimmy: monkey see, monkey do. this level of covidiocy on display is staggering. this young man had an interesting explanation for why he was out without a mask. it's not just him, his whole family is dumb. >> my family has the same mind set as me, and we kind of disagreed that if we get it, we get it. we're going to handle it as a family and just get over it, because that's what a family does. >> jimmy: no it isn't. show me one episode of "the brady bunch" where they all decide they're gonna die together. and this young woman claims she just graduated from college, but based on this clip, i can only assume it was trump university. >> i mean, everybody's got to go somehow, know what i mean? >> you mean die?
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>> yeah, but, in a way, i mean, i don't want to die, but if that's what god has in store for my life, that's okay. >> jimmy: and back to college you go. god wanted me to die and he wanted me to be tan when it happened! we're in a lot of trouble. in staten island, a woman without a mask went into a grocery store and her fellow shoppers were not amused. >> [ bleep ]! [ bleep ], [ bleep ], [ bleep ]. [ bleep ], [ bleep ], [ bleep ]. [ bleep ], [ bleep ], >> get out! >> [ bleep ], [ bleep ], get out. [ bleep ], [ bleep ]. >> act like a dirty-ass pig. >> jimmy: that's called a "staten island goodbye." and i don't blame them. i have to say, of all the fights we've had over the last few years, this one makes the least sense. this is the dumbest standoff ever. we all want to get back to work. we all want to go out to eat. we all want to hang out. none of us want to see people die. so, if wearing a mask can help slow the virus and get us back
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to normal sooner, why not wear a mask? it's so selfish. are these people also refusing to wash their hands? or is that for wussies too? i bet half of those idiots in that pool in the ozarks put sunscreen on. if you're not wearing a mask, you're not allowed to wear sunscreen either. that should be the rule. if you don't care about my well-being, you're not allowed to care about your own. it's frustrating and potentially tragic, and a real leader would straighten his sheep out. trump's own health officials are on tv telling people to wear masks and to respect social distance rules. dr. deborah birx was on fox news on sunday, trying to encourage americans to be safe, and in doing so, unwittingly provided us with our unintentional joke of the day. ♪ >> we want you to be outside. we know that there are wrays that y you can play tennis with marked balls so you're not touching each other's balls.
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>> jimmy: which, that can be fun, too. we have a good show for you tonight. we have a very special performance from jacob collier and we'll be right back with lisa kudrow. ♪ >> dicky: abc's "jimmy kimmel live," brought to you by allstate. they will, but with accident forgiveness allstate won't raise your rates just because of an accident, even if it's your fault. cut! sonny. was that good? line! the desert never lies. isn't that what i said? no you were talking about allstate and insurance. i just... when i... let's try again. everybody back to one. accident forgiveness from allstate. click or call for a quote today. accident forgiveness from allstate. when visible set out to create the future of phone service... we tossed the stuff that wasn't working. stuff like foot-long bills and fees from nowhere. time-wasting stores, misleading ads, unhelpful help centers. and saved the stuff that was working. like verizon's 4g lte network.
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plus unlimited data, messages, and minutes. it's a simple system. trim the bad... make the good better... and way cheaper. meet visible. unlimited data on verizon's 4g lte network. just $25 for your first month. join us at visible.com. (woman) is there(vo)atural litter that actuallyat tidy cats, ...your wish... is our latest litter-vention. new naturally strong, with odor-absorbing activated charcoal. 100% natural, 100% powerful.
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there's a tidy cats for that! use yogurt or milk to soothe your skin or you could use schick hydro silk with hypoallergenic serum for the smooth shave we all deserve. schick hydro silk this moment right now... this is our commencement. no, we'll not get a diploma or a degree of any kind. but we are entering a new chapter in our lives. our confidence is shaken; our hearts cracked. the kind of a crack that comes from the loss of a job; from life plans falling apart. we didn't ask for it... but we are rising to meet it. and how far we've come isn't even close to how far we can go. we just have to remember how patient we were... how strong we can be. (how strong you can be.)
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and remember this; there's a crack in everything for a reason. how else can the light get in? ♪ tomorrow starts today. tomorrow why are we doing this? why are we doing what? using my old spice moisturize with shea butter body wash... all i wanted was to use your body wash and all i wanted was to have a body wash.
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♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live" from my house. coming up, he won two grammys for music he made in his bedroom, tonight he has music from his bathroom. jacob collier is live from the lavatory with mahalia and ty dolla $ign. you will never look at your plunger the same way again. tomorrow night i will be joined by howie mandel
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later this week, dakota johnson and sean penn. our guest tonight is an emmy winning actor who spent 10 seasons being there for you, starting friday, she stars alongside steve carell in the new netflix comedy series "space force," please say hello to lisa kudrow. hello, lisa. >> hi, jimmy. >> jimmy: how are you? >> okay. how are you? >> jimmy: i'm good. how was your nine-week, three-day weekend? did you relax? >> yes,i i've been relaxing the whole time, honestly. i like it. >> jimmy: who are you quarantined with, the family? >> yeah, my son, and my husband sometimes. >> jimmy: sometimes? >> sometimes, which is, i think, the best way for a marriage. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: now wait, now, you know it's not really a quarantine if someone else is not participating in the quarantine. it has to be 100%. >> yes, we were, and we were 100%. we were all together in the desert. because we have a house there.
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>> jimmy: oh, in the palm springs area. we call it the desert here in l.a., yes. uh-huh. >> and then there was the lock-in, so we just stayed put. but that house needed work. >> jimmy: i see, so there are workers at the house, but your husband -- is he still at the other house? >> yeah, yeah. see, and then what happened was, it got to be hotter. as it does in the palm springs area, right? >> jimmy: sure. ? so it was too hot for me. >> jimmy: so you left. so he's quarantining with his new family, the workers. [ laughter ] and you are with your son. >> and i'm less busy. i'm not running around after people with wipes, you know. >> jimmy: how long have you been married? >> 25 years tomorrow. wait, well, whenever the 27th
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is, 25 years. >> jimmy: oh, so what are you going to do? is he going to drive by the house and do one of those honk-honk, happy 25th anniversary? this is very strange. >> i know. and it's a long drive to do that. >> jimmy: yeah, it is. >> i don't know. you know, we are so used to not actually being able to be together on our anniversary that we were, like, oh, well. does it matter? i love you. you still love me? yeah. great, we're good. >> jimmy: weirdly, on your anniversary, tomorrow, that was supposed to be the "friends" reunion special on hbo max. >> yeah. >> jimmy: but that got canceled for obvious reasons. >> postponed. >> jimmy: postponed. although maybe that was a sign, maybe the sign was you shouldn't be together yet. maybe that was god saying let's leave this alone and not bring these people back. >> leave well enough alone.
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if they're not going to do a whole new episode, let's not, yeah. >> jimmy: are those "friends" bobble heads i see behind your left shoulder? >> yeah. you want to see it? that one's mine. >> jimmy: there you are. >> it doesn't look like me at all. >> jimmy: no, it doesn't. you got the guitar, yeah. >> and this is ross, and his arm broke off. >> jimmy: so he looks like a young seinfeld. >> i know. they don't look like us. i think by design, yeah. >> jimmy: i think maybe nbc was recirculating the sitcom stars or something. when you left "friends", did you take any mementos with you? >> well, i was given one. do you see that? do you see that cookie time? that was in monica and rachel's apartment. >> jimmy: who gave it to you? >> matthew perry. that was the wrap gift he gave me. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah, we were laughing
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hysterically, and crying, because it was the end. but it's funny to us, because, you want to hear why? >> jimmy: yeah, sure. >> see if it works? so we're shooting a scene, years before we were finished, and my line was, "ooh, ooh, i better get going", except i didn't have a watch. and we were shooting it, it was too late when i realized i didn't have a watch. how do i know, ooh, i have to get going, and soy jus the worde coming out, i said oh, look, there's clock. i gestured to that. look at the time. i got to get going. and matthew said, did you point to the cookie jar and say look at the time? >> jimmy: you made that joke about six times funnier by doing that. and then matthew gave you a gift that didn't actually belong to him, which are really the best
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gifts to give. >> i know. i know. i think the first thing i asked, this is so nice. did you get permission? because they were, i mean, my car used to get searched every night when i left. >> jimmy: i saw you on "space force." i saw the premiere episode. i don't want to give too much away. steve carell is your husband, i know i can say that. is this based on donald trump's or mike pence's, whoever owns the space force now, is that why you decided to do this? or was this a coincidence? >> well, it was steve and greg who decided to do it, and yes. that is why. >> jimmy: greg daniels. >> greg daniels, and that's what i found out later, because i shot all my stuff and didn't know there was a space force. i didn't know. >> jimmy: so you thought -- sghi thi . >> i think it had been announced, now that i know
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there's a space force. they announced the space force, and then it was, hey, here's an idea. >> jimmy: i'm surprised trump isn't asking for executive producer credit on that. each night we are asking our guests to name a charity. feeding america. watch "space force" on netflix. we'll be right back with jacob collier in the bathroom! ♪ >> dicky: portions of jimmy kimple live are brought to you by ogx. the chubby little bottle with the gold cap, salon quality hair care online now.
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♪ ♪
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♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live" from my house. i probably don't know you, but i think you are going to like this. our music guest tonight created this performance by sampling real sounds from his real bathroom. it's not as gross as it sounds. the song is called "all i need"" from "djesse: volume 3," now, with help from mahalia and ty dolla $ign, jacob collier, live from the lavatory! ♪ ♪ hi i love the way that i feel when you put your arms over me ♪ ♪ there must be something i could
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say to make you stay baby ♪ ♪ hi hello i love the way that you get in the groove when you walk with me only me ♪ ♪ cause every time i think about it can't stop thinking bout it ♪ ♪ you are all i need you are all i need ♪ ♪ hi i love thinking of all the kisses you could give me if i came around ♪ ♪ there must be something i could say to make you stay baby ♪ ♪ oh hi i love the illumination you bring to all the ordinary things i found baby ♪ ♪ cause every time i think about it can't stop thinking bout it ♪ ♪ you are all i need you are all i need ♪ ♪ so i'll be singing
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in the star bright underneath the moonlight oh ♪ ♪ cause i love your smile and it makes me feel alright alright ♪ ♪ i will sing it to the sun you will always be the one for me ♪ ♪ let your love shine down let your love shine down wanna make you feel the way you feel the way i do ♪ ♪ yeah let your love yeah shine for me yeah you will always be the one for me ♪ ♪ cause every time i think about it can't stop thinking bout it ♪ ♪ can't stop thinking you are all i need you are all i need ♪ ♪ so i'll be singing in the star bright underneath the
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moonlight oh ♪ ♪ cause i love your smile and it makes me feel alright alright i will sing it to the sun ♪ ♪ you will always be the one for me let your love shine down let your love shine down ♪ ♪ so i'll be singing in the starbright underneath the moonlight oh ♪ ♪ cause i love your smile and it makes me feel alright alright ♪ ♪ i will sing it to the sun you will always be the one for me ♪ ♪ let your love shine down let your love shine down ♪ ♪ let your love shine down do you really wanna call my name ♪
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♪ yeah i really wanna call your name ♪ and counted out. in those moments we felt like it was over. but it's when we were given no chance, that we somehow found that last bit of strength to keep fighting. and then we did what no one thought we could. not even ourselves. we came back from the impossible. from being broken. we found a way when it seemed hopeless. we came back when we should have been long forgotten.
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and we did it time and time again. right now we're fighting for something much bigger than a win or a championship. but if we've learned anything from sports, it's that no matter how far down we may be, we are never too far down to come back. i came across sofi and it was the best decision of my life. we're getting a super competitive interest rate on our money. we're able to invest through the same exact platform. i got approved for a loan and it was a game-changer. truly sofi, thank you for helping me prepare for whatever the future has in store. (♪)
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when visible set out to create the future of phone service... we tossed the stuff that wasn't working. stuff like foot-long bills and fees from nowhere. time-wasting stores, misleading ads, unhelpful help centers. and saved the stuff that was working. like verizon's 4g lte network. plus unlimited data, messages, and minutes. it's a simple system. trim the bad... make the good better... and way cheaper. meet visible. unlimited data on verizon's 4g lte network. just $25 for your first month.
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join us at visible.com. >> jimmy: that is all the time we have. i'd like to thank lisa kudrow, jacob collier, mahalia, ty dolla $ign and apologize to matt damon. howie mandel will be with us tomorrow. "nightline" is next. now get lost, will ya? it's too hard not to hug you. ♪
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this is "nightline." >> tonight, as america nears a grim milestone, 100,000 people dead from covid-19. a diane sawyer special report shows us how we got here. a nearly three-months-long investigation examining everything from the hidden ways the virus spread to the front line workers risking it all. plus, our new reality, finding a path forward on the pandemic. the newest science on vaccines, and wearing a mask, and how a call for help became a beacon of hope. >> "nightline" starts right now. >> good evening, thank you for joining us. i'm diane macedo.
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