tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC July 21, 2020 12:36am-1:08am PDT
and now here's your host, joel mchale. >> did you hear that? that was not a crew member, and i'm not lying. unfortunately, this is what a pool party looks like now. instead of jimmy kimmel, you have a guy who used to host a basic cable clip show. yes, the despair of covid continues. but the good news is, i'm currently relieving myself on national television, and there isn't a damn thing the fcc can do about it. i'm kidding. i have a terrible urinary tract infection. nothing comes out. you know, guest hosting a talk show in a global pandemic isn't a job many people would say yes to, but it could be worse. i could be hosting the people's choice awards again. >> no! >> okay. nice crew you got there, jimmy. they're yelling through masks, by the way. a lot of soft droplets are flying. it was a dark time. i apologize. i'm here because jimmy is gone for the summer.
he bought part of wyoming, and it's way more responsibility than he thought it would be. he's currently on horseback in a dumb hat like an extra on that show "yellowstone." jimmy, stop trying to impress kevin costner. it's embarrassing. but fear not, jimmy will be back in a couple of months, probably sporting his look from the early 2000s. oh, my lord. did you have an apartment above a hometown buffet? this whole situation is very weird but i'm not the only person in l.a. performing for absolutely no one. last night the dodgers played the diamondbacks in a completely empty stadium. but for some reason they still had creepy, disembodied cheering. >> 2-2. bellinger turns on it. down the line to right. back towards the pole. calhoun to the wall, a grand slam! the lights turn on, another team comes in, and the mvp launches a grand slam.
>> terrifying. those are the ghosts from way back in 1962. they all died from eating tainted dodger dogs. i'd like to now go live to my court-ordered sidekick, live from his pool in chatsworth, where they used to shoot a bunch of porn, it's guillermo. >> hey, everybody! >> hey, bud, how's it going. i haven't seen your nipples in a long time. >> yeah, a long time. >> are you in the deep end? just kidding, i know you're on the first step. since there's no audience here, i'm going to need you to give me feedback. how do you think my jokes are going so far? >> well, listen. just try your best and keep it cute. [ laughter ] >> so guillermo gets a laugh track and i don't? i see who you're loyal to. at least he thinks i'm cute.
i'd like to take a moment to wish a happy 24th wedding anniversary to my wife sarah. for real. i always had the feeling i'd spend our 24th wedding anniversary in a questionable pool in west hollywood being filmed by two adult men in plastic helmets. sarah and i have learned a lot. and it's important to keep up intimacy after 24 years of marriage. if anything, just to gross out our kids. "oh, we don't know why the door's locked. come back later." quarantine has been a time of self-discovery for us all. like this man, who decided to try his hand at making limoncello at home. >> i'm about to sample for the first time my homemade limoncello. now, i haven't tried this yet. i'm a little nervous. never made it before. but i figured it was as good a time as ever to try it. so -- [ bleep ].
>> so how was it? shocker that a british person made something that tastes terrible. i blame his dentist. the coronavirus has impacted many areas of our lives, and now families are being forced to cancel their family reunion plans. so, see? there's a silver lining to everything. but despite warnings that people should not be gathering in large groups, lots of families are doing it anyway. there are even companies that are selling custom family reunion face masks. you see that? that's real. it's the perfect way to say hi to grandma, and also cause her death. come for the reunion, stay for the funeral. which i think is also the slogan of olive garden. jimmy would know. last night, kanye west held his first campaign rally in south carolina, because, you know, [ bleep ] it. kanye felt less like the president and more like a frazzled substitute teacher who couldn't control his class. here's him yelling at them for
talking. >> if you guys want to whisper, go outside and talk. we need absolute silence, we need absolute order. somebody is talking right now. if you see someone next to you that nudges you or tries to whisper, hold your hand and say this person is distracting me from what someone is saying right now, and we'll have them escorted out. >> this person is distracting me. they want to know what is going on with your haircut, kanye. i would love to see footage of kanye telling kim he wanted to run for president and kim going, "okay, honey. that's fine. now put your pants on and come back inside the house." kanye also used the rally to talk about the issue that matters most to him, how smart he is. >> i understand everyone is excited. it's a new world. you have someone who is not afraid of anyone and only afraid of god and will honor god.
someone not afraid of anyone, and in honor of god, and is a 132 iq genius, who went to the hospital because his brain was too big for his skull. >> welcome to the hospital, mr. west. would you like to try the size 13 skull? it's a wide. to end this incredible monologue, i bring you this from the fox affiliate in baltimore. it's that tender moment when a news anchor utters the thing that his co-workers will remind him about every day until he retires. ♪ >> the first question, when you talk about that and compare it with lyme disease, how long does a dick, a tick, have to be biting you in order to transmit that? >> hey, guillermo, remember when you got bitten by that dick? >> oh, yeah, it was a long time ago.
>> it was. you had quite a reaction. as you can see, the show's back to being highbrow, everybody. we have a good show for you tonight. we've got music from billy strings and we'll be right back with the greatest human being currently walking the face of the earth -- seattle seahawks quarterback russell wilson. ♪ ( ♪ ) let's hear it for kansas city monarch legend jim robinson. crowd: (cheering) celebrate your history together. the all-new highlander. toyota. let's go places.
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nashville. and tune in for the rest of the week with guest hosts nikki glaser, george lopez, and magical forest sprite sean hayes. my guest tonight is the greatest thing to happen to the pacific northwest since fir trees. he's a super bowl champion, seven-time pro bowler, and my favorite russell ever. joining us now, the quarterback of the seattle seahawks, number 3, russell wilson. >> joel, good to see you. i see we're doing something very similar. you're in the suit and tie, i'm out here getting the rays, while you're sipping on, i guess that's coffee. >> this is pool water, russell. it's very nice. >> sure it is. >> it's too bad you're not staying in shape during covid. i'm sorry that you let yourself go. >> hey, listen, i see you're covering yourself up, is what i see. >> that's very true. i thought you were guillermo for a second.
i joke. russell, first of all, thank you for bringing a super bowl to seattle. it was greater than the birth of my children. and my children are watching. so thank you, thank you, thank you and i have to ask you, now that patrick mahomes is going to make half a billion dollars, he's the highest paid player in the nfl. are you pissed off? >> am i pissed off? no, i'm celebrating he's making this much money. it's a good thing. sounds like the money is going up, the stock is rising, you know? >> so with you making so little money now, and you're about to be a father of three, can you afford them? >> the more kids you have, the less you have to spend. so i think that it's, this is why i'm trying to get as much relaxing time before the baby comes, whenever that happens. i'm trying to get as much
relaxing time, i know i'm going to have to be doing baby duties soon while trying to play football. it's going to be an interesting balance. >> you don't look relaxed at all. you look really stressed out. how is ciara feeling? >> she's doing well. she's excited, and has a lot of amazing things going on. it's crazy how hard she works. we're not too far away, every day she's working, working, working, getting things ready. it's pretty amazing. she's got some new things coming up. we're excited about that. >> does she ever yell, bring me four pickles and a milkshake? >> she doesn't yell at me, no. but when she doesn't talk to me, that's not a good thing. i'm not sure which one your wife does. i'm sure she probably yells at you because you talk too much. >> my wife is yelling at me right now, because it's our anniversary and i'm in jimmy's abandoned house. will you be able to go to the hospital when she's giving birth?
>> we don't know. that's kind of the crazy part of it. i hope so. obviously covid has been such a crazy thing, and the pandemic and everything else. >> do you think she wants you in a hospital room? >> i think she needs me. last time, she grabbed my hand, almost broke it. she was squeed squeezing the right hand, i said, baby, use the left. >> did the general manager burst in and say unhand him? >> no, it was you dressed as the general manager. >> i need to ask you an important question, pete carroll turned 102. >> he looks like he's 52. >> i've met pete carroll a couple of times. an important question, what is going on with his hands? >> have you seen his fingers before? he's got dinosaur fingers. they're all crossed up. >> he looks like a gargoyle in a church.
>> that's a great example. >> is the medical term super [ bleep ] up? [ laughter ] russell, i know training camp starts in a week, right? >> something like that. >> are you going to go? i'll go if you go. >> if you're there, i'll be there. you know. it's been kind of crazy with the nfl season coming up, and the nba, what those guys have gone through and everything else. it's been an interesting time for sure. i hope that, you know, i hope we can figure it out. >> you think a helmet with a mask will work? >> that will be crazy if we have to do that. i've been practicing with it every day so i can get used to it if we have to. but we're already out there. so maybe it's a little bit late for that. >> yeah. >> so we can't take this time for granted. health and safety, it's such an important time. it's really important that we do it the right way at the highest
level. i think that's what the concern is. especially for families. and like i said the other day, she's pregnant, we're going to have a new baby in the world at some point. i know so many others have family and loved ones and everything else. at the end of the day, we want to play and us seahawks want to go to the super bowl and win it all. that's our focus. but we want to do it in a safe way. >> i think you should try it with no helmets. that said, what do you think of no fans in the stadium? do you think that will help with away games? >> well, that will be crazy, just to see it. i know some teams are doing no fans at all. we're doing a smaller amount, i believe. and it's just going to be kind of a crazy time. you know what will be interesting? being under center, calling plays where they can hear everything, and there's no real effect. so there will have to be some interesting learning there and
it becomes just like practice in a way. >> yeah. >> that is going to be very interesting. and i think at the end of the day, we want to play, we want to score touchdowns and make plays. >> and you have a brand-new pair of shoes. i'm wearing your shoes right now. >> you're wearing them, huh? you're rocking them? >> they got me a pair. can you tell me about these? they're cleats? >> they just dropped, man. it's cool. when you're a young kid, you always have dreams of having your own cleats and everything else. so the new cleat just dropped today, actually. i was pretty excited and fired up. we have some other cool gear on nike.com. it's a blessing to be a part of it and enjoy the journey. i remember looking up to guys like michael jordan and so many others. i think as a young athlete you always hope kids can wear your gear.
so it's pretty cool. >> sadly, we're out of time. russell's new alpha menace cleats from nike are available now. we'll be right back with music from billy strings. thanks, russell. >> joel, see you. go hawks, baby. >> go hawks. ♪ this... watch... tells... time and takes phone calls. and communicates with satellites thousands of miles above the earth and tracks your distance underwater and tracks your activity and tells you which direction you're going and has an app that measures the electrical waves traveling through your heart otherwise known as an electrocardiogram. so just to reiterate this... watch... tells... time (among other things). (vo) jack was one of six million pein need of a home.ers he found it in a boy with special needs, who also needed him. as part of our love promise, subaru and our retailers host
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♪ well, that's all the time we have. i'd like to thank russell wilson, billy strings, and "fly tyer" magazine's amateur angler of the month, jimmy kimmel. nikki glaser will host tomorrow with guests paris hilton and phoebe robinson. "nightline" is next. it's hilarious. i'm going to go stick my body in a bag of rice now. thanks, everybody. thanks for having me.
good night. ♪ ♪ ♪ h president trump is threatening to send federal troops into cities across the united states, including oakland. >> san mateo county has managed to stay off the coronavirus watch list. but county leaders expect that to change tomorrow. >> many salon services, hair cuts and manicures included
allowed outside. the new one size fits all rules don't work for everyone. >> a break from the summer heat. i'll let you know how long it will last coming up. abc7 news at 11:00 starts now. >> announcer: building a better bay area for a safe and secure future. this is abc7 news. >> a powerful moment before tonight's exhibition game between the giants and a's during the playing of the national anthem. several giants players including manager gabe were kneeling. >> the gesture follows recent protests after the death of george floyd and the push for social justice. after the game he explained why he joined several of his players in kneeling. >> i wanted to use my platform to demonstrate my dissatisfaction with the way we've handled racism in our country. um, i wanted to demonstrate my dissatisfaction with our clear systemic racism in our cry