tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC July 24, 2020 11:35pm-12:06am PDT
right now, jimmy kimmel. have a great weekend. ♪ >> dicky: from hollywood, it's jimmy kimmel live. with sebastian maniscalco. tonight, kelly ripa and ryan seacrest, and jj watt. and now, here's sebastian maniscalco. hello and welcome to "jimmy kimmel live!" i am your guest host for the next two nights sebastian maniscalco. i'm really happy jimmy asked me to host his show, but come on. when italians host we need two things, food and a lot of people. i'm looking at two guys in hazmat suits, am i safe? i went from performing in front of 20,000 people a night to a laundry room in west hollywood. [ buzz ] the sheets are done.
so he asked me to host. i brought food. i didn't get one large platter with people picking up cheese and meats like they're in the game operation. i adjust to the times. i made individual pandemic platters. for the crew. enjoy that. really the only place i go besides my house right now is to the supermarket and it's a nightmare. i didn't think grocery shopping could become an even bigger pain in the ass, but it has. i've got nothing but love for the workers. they are putting their lives on the line so we can buy mints to not smell our own mask mouth. but it's the shoppers that bother me. they don't understand that we need to treat a trip to the grocery store like a bank heist. get in, get out. there is no time to ask the butcher is this lamb chop from new zealand or montana. lady, its lamb. you're lucky the delivery guy
doesn't have the virus. and don't bother checking "expiration dates." it ain't gonna kill you. you know what is, the guy sneezing on the plums! and this one guy had a face shield mask down to his nipples. how much spit is coming out of your mouth! this guy needed windshield wipers on the inside! i go the checkout, they got a hockey glass between me and the cashier now. no one can hear anything. that's all i hear is. [ muffled ] what? the other place people are exhibiting unacceptable behavior right now is on zoom meetings. this is where you use the most advanced teleconference technology in the world to show your coworkers how truly disgusting you are. first off, you shouldn't be eating on zoom. you got 23 hours a day to eat
your home made banana bread, at least dip off to the side. it's bad enough you didn't take a shower and are wearing an unbuttoned tommy bahama shirt. now, i have to look at crumbs swimming in your chest hair with your unmade bed in the background. and enough with the groom and zoom. frank's sales report is terrible enough. we don't need to hear a click-click and then see a stray toenail fly into the camera from the square of goatee guy 69. and don't hold your pet up to the camera. i'm an adult. i know what a cat looks like. your eight cats aren't cute. they're a cry for help. then you have the parent who mutes themselves while disciplining their kids. so all you see is. oh, yeah, i'm sorry. our sales are down 3000% this
week. and lastly, when the meeting ends, just get off. no need to wave, no air kisses, no lingering small talk about netflix true crime documentaries. i'm so eager to leave i don't even bother to hit the "leave meeting button." i just shut the lid of the laptop with the speed and force of a teenager who got caught watching porn. as we all know these are trying times and many people are in desperate need of guidance. so i decided i would recruit the best non-licensed therapist i know, my three-year-old daughter, serafina, and have her help answer some email from viewers like you. ♪ >> mario b from brooklyn asks, what tv show do you think is good for a date flight? >> "paw patrol."
>> "paw patrol". "paw patrol." >> who do you like better, mommy or daddy? >> mommy and daddy. >> mommy and daddy, very good, very good. i told you to say daddy, but. darnell from las vegas asks, i just won $1 million, what should i buy with it? what should he get with all his money? >> candy! >> what else? >> quesadilla. >> quesadilla. what else? >> vinegar. >> vinegar. >> popsicles. scissors. fish. pasta. cookies! legos. >> what else? >> cameras. a big house. vinegar. >> vinegar again. >> vinegar. >> vinegar three times. my wife and i want to have a baby. how do we get one? now do you get a baby?
how do you get a baby? >> with money. >> with money? where? >> amazon. >> there you have it, people with a lot of money, go to amazon and search "babies", and apparently, one will be delivered within 48 hours. >> from nebraska, what should i buy with my $1200 stimulus check? >> wine. >> wine? >> yeah. >> rob is asking, how do i ask my boss for more money? what should he do? >> more moolah. >> just go in there and go, more moolah, or i'm walking? >> yeah. >> i'm walking. >> you're walking off the set. >> she's got a short attention span. we've got a great show for you tonight. j.j. watt is here. and we'll be right back with kelly ripa and ryan seacrest. ♪
>> dicky: abc's "jimmy kimmel live," brought to you by consumer cellular. use yogurt or milk to soothe your skin or you could use schick hydro silk with hypoallergenic serum for the smooth shave we all deserve. schick hydro silk for the smooth shave w♪ scratch that, ♪baby, i'm grateful. ♪ ♪ gotta say, it's really been a while. ♪ ♪ but now i got back that smile. ♪
you can't claim that because it's inanimate! people ask me what sort of a person should become a celebrity accountant. and, i tell them, "nobody should." hey, buddy. what's the damage? i bought it! the waterfall? nope! a new volkswagen. a volkswagen? i think we're having a breakthrough here! welcome to caesar's palace. thank you. ♪ scratch that, ♪baby, i'm grateful. ♪ ♪ got to say it's really been a while ♪ ♪ but now i got back that smile. smile. ♪
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♪ welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live!" i'm sebastian maniscalco. in a little bit i'll be talking with nfl star j.j. watt. and tomorrow night i will be here once again with alex rodriguez and the "jimmy kimmel live!" healthcare hero of the week. like wheat chex and bourbon, my first guests tonight are the perfect weekday morning combo. together they serve as executive producers and hosts of "live wi" it as moayhr fday in syndication. please welcome kelly ripa and
ryan seacrest. thank you for being on the show. i've known you had me on your show, it's nice to be on the other side of the glass. >> is it really? sebastian, i got to tell you, you, you are, you are so elegant at night. >> yeah. >> this is an evening sebastian maniscalco. >> the last time we saw him he was in a bookstore. i think you were in a barnes & noble the last time we saw you. >> sebastian: that happened to be my home. but i want to start the interview, and this is my first time interviewing people, and i get two at once. i want to go with ryan, because i know if we go with kelly first we're not going to hear from ryan. [ laughter ] >> how fast you figured that out. >> give me my one question and we'll go on.
>> sebastian: we all know you've got tons of jobs and what have you. i'm waking up at 6:00 a.m. in the morning because i got two kids. what time are you getting up, number one. and number two, what are you taking to stay up? i need a nap at noon. are you on some special seacrest juice? >> i'm going to give you the whole routine, and i'll tell you about the juice. so 4:30 is when the alarm goes off, but at 1:30, 2:30, 3:30, i wake up thinking it's not going to go off, so that's the schedule overnight. then it starts with a tea and two very strong coffees with nothing in it, then i arrive, and kelly's seen different the fluids, macha, hibiscus, all kinds of things i sip on during the show, but not bourbon. >> so you basically drink
everything i make fun of. >> yes, that's right. and for dinner, it's a green juice. >> sebastian: wow, that's impressive. i'm impressed. i so wantokelly. kelly, are you wakin' up at 4:00 a.m.? what's the schedule now with your family? >> i'm very co-dependent, so i wake up when ryan wakes up. since he has to wake up at 4:30 to do the show, he's on east coast time, but he's living on west coast. but i wake up at 4:30 so i can suffer with him because i am co-dependent. and i can't have him suffering alone. but i eat solid food, i am not on an all liquid diet. i'm on an all-carbohydrate diet. that's what's changed during the pandemic. >> sebastian: you both look fantastic.
i do watch your show, i do notice you have some problems sometimes with internet at your house. >> yeah. >> yeah. >> sebastian: and then you have to go elsewhere. what's going on with the internet? are you still up on a dial-up? >> kelly has gone down the whole block. >> i'm back down to three adult children. we did have five adult children living in the house. and some of them have jobs and some of them are still in school. so when i'm working they're also working. but i keep telling them, whoever works on camera's job is the most important job. so please stay off the internet from 9:00 until at least 11:30. >> sebastian: listen, i think you're acting like the internet acts like the water works in your house where you flush the toilet and you lose power in the
shower. i don't think that's really the case. >> our house is so poorly constructed that when i flush the toilet, the television flickers, and i'm not kidding. >> sebastian: well, listen, we all miss you in the actual studio. is there going to be a day when you're reunited from new york or are we doing this at home until 2028? >> we started this in march, and one of the things we like most is the interaction we get to have. we have plenty of conversations before the show, and on the show. and as of now they're selling us september? >> september. early september is what they're telling us. i'm not coming back if i have to wear pants or bottoms of any kind. i like this from the waist up thing that we're doing. so i think we should build a studio where you can't see what we're wearing from the waist down.
that's the only way i'm coming back. >> sebastian: i think a lot of people are looking forward to your return to tv. i'm so grateful you took time out of your busy schedule to be here with me on "jimmy kimmel live." >> we love you. thanks for having us. >> you look like a hollywood star. >> sebastian: you're so sweet. >> kelly, i'll see new a few hours. >> okay, honey. >> whoops! >> sebastian: we'll be back with j.j. watt. always wanted to do that. ♪
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♪ welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live!" i'm jimmy's stunt double, sebastian maniscalco. our next guest is one of the most feared men in the national football league, but it turns out, his true passion is tag. watch him and his brothers on "ultimate tag," wednesday nights on fox. from the houston texans, please welcome three-time nfl defensive player of the year, #99, j.j. watt. welcome to the show, my man. thank you for being here. i want to just get right into it. i notice you got a beard, and i want to know, is this a new look? or is this some type of "i'm not shavin' till corona's over"? >> i've had a beard for a while. maybe it hasn't been this pronounced. i got more hair than i've had.
i let hair grow during corona, that's for sure. but, no, i mean, i -- >> sebastian: did you, i'm sorry, but did you just stretch your chest out on national tv? >> i mean, listen, you are sittin' there with a perfect tan. you got a nice suit. you're lookin' like you're going to go get a bottle of prosecco and head down to the restaurant. i'm here in a gray tee shirt, i didn't realize we were going all out with our outfits. >> sebastian: that's right. this is national tv, you look like you just got out of the gym. >> i did, i did. have you hit the gym during quarantine? >> sebastian: absolutely not. i got the quarantine 15. i'm just hoping a button doesn't pop off. you're playing your brothers, week three, texans against steelers. your brother is a fullback, right? >> right. >> sebastian: he gets the ball. he goes up the gut.
do you kind of lean back when he comes in? or do you rip his head off like you would any other football player? >> i try to knock his helmet off into my parents' lap in the 75th row. no mercy. >> sebastian: it's just football, football supersedes family. >> i don't know if we're allowed to shake hands after the game, but i'll go shake his hand after the game. but last year we played him on the chargers, and i was pass rushing on the edge and he chipped me in the rib cage. >> he didn't have any sympathy for me whatsoever. >> sebastian: i like that. you know what else i like about you? we are friends for now, what, seven years? lana and i came to houston, were you gracious enough to open up your home and let us stay there over the weekend. now what i found, and i haven't seen this in anybody else that i stayed at their house, you had monogrammed robes and towels
made for lana and i, and i'm wondering, do you do that to every guest that stays, or was that a one-off? >> you staying at my house was a one-off. i don't have guests. i don't like people in my house. but i knew that you were coming. i know you're a classy gentleman. you're used to staying at high, nice places. lana's a beautiful woman. we need to have you guys feel comfortable. so i went, got the customized robes, got the customized towels, and i was like, this might become my new thing. and then i realized how much work it is, and i said, instead of doing this every time, i'm never having people over again. >> sebastian: when you come to los angeles, i'm hosting you, but i don't know if i can find a robe big enough to fit you. are you walking around the house
at night in a robe and slippers? >> i don't know. i toss shorts on. you toss basketball shorts on and walk around. >> sebastian: you're not a kid. you're athlete and a man, and i'm walking around like andy garcia, in godfather iii, in velvet, sipping on a glass of wine. >> but that looks cool as hell! >> sebastian: it does, especially if you have a hairy chest. it really adds to the flavor of a robe. now i want to ask you, your wife is a soccer star, are you a football star, do you guys critique each other game? lou does it work at a double athlete's home? >> how would it work if you critiqued your wife after she painted something? >> sebastian: i've been married
for seven years, so we critique each other on how we eat. >> we critique everybody else on the field i don't critique her. we just got married. i don't have the built-up equity to be telling her what she's doing wrong on the field. >> sebastian: i give it three or four year, and then you say, you should have slid -- >> when you get the ball, just take everybody on. i'm sick of you passing it. just take it to the goal. she didn't think it was good advice. >> sebastian: see, it's starting already, bro.i am so glad you j the show. thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule. we hopefully will have you as a
guest at our house and you will be wearing a robe shortly. thank you for being with us. >> thank you, i can't wait. >> sebastian: j.j. watt, everybody, we'll be right back. ♪ (door bell rings) it's open! hey. this is amazing. with moderate to severe ulcerative colitis, are you okay? even when i was there, i never knew when my symptoms would keep us apart. so i talked to my doctor about humira. i learned humira can help get, and keep uc under control when other medications haven't worked well enough. and it helps people achieve control that lasts. so you can experience few or no symptoms. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. before treatment, get tested for tb.
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worker of the week. "nightline's" next, seacrest out! this is "nightline." tonight, prescription for recovery. doctor becomes patient. >> it was much worse than i ever imagined or dreamed. >> a personal battle with the vis.>> now the >> he's breathing. >> the rehab, the reunion. plus, going rogue. our bob woodruff and his sun traveling the weird, wild and wonderful world, discovering stunning spots and a down to earth father-son bond. >> hey, look at my dad's old goat. >> what'd you pay? >> i got mine for