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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  September 14, 2021 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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always. for sandhya patel, chris >> dicky: from hollywood -- it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- earvin "magic" johnson, kevin heffernan and steve lemme, and music from the marias. and now -- jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. very nice. thanks. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. pthank you for watching. thanks for coming. thanks for joining us on election day here in the great state of california. it is a recall election, as in, i can't recall why we spent almost $300 million on this.
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[ laughter ] but we did. and here we are. the votes are in and soon we'll learn whether gavin newsom will remain as governor or if he will be replaced by one of the 46 lunatics running against him. [ laughter ] a couple of the challengers are people whose names you may know, olympic gold winning stepfather caitlyn jenner but the rest of you memoranda not. former "hustler" magazine editor dan kapelovitz looking serious in a pair of donald trump-colored sunglasses. [ laughter ] jeremy marciniak, his party preference is no party, makes sense, looks like he's never been invited to one. chauncey "criticism" killins. adam papagan, his candidate statement is love u, with a "u."
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looks like who shows up to a swingers party alone. [ laughter ] it wouldn't be a california recall election without angelyne. [ applause ] the brats doll who wished on a star to welcome an old woman and that dream came true. she drives a pink corvette around town, then somebody pays for these billboards. she's the closest thing we have to bigfoot here. [ laughter ] then there are about 40 other people. if you're wondering why your craziest neighbor hasn't been feeding the possums lately, it's because she was busy running for governor of california. [ laughter ] the votes haven't been counted but the republican front-runner, layer ray elder, is already claiming he's detected fraud. this is the new thing for republicans. if you win, it was a landslide. if you lose, it was fraud. larry's been claiming the election's been fixed for a few days, as has donald trump, who called it rigged a week before
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it even happened, it was a rigged election. i get it you're losers and embarrassed, the same i felt when i was a virgin my senior year of high school. [ laughter ] lying about it doesn't help, it just makes it worse. go rub yourself in the broom closet, like i did. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i don't know how many of you voted today, quick show of hands? all right. okay, just really mostly our staff. [ laughter ] interesting talking to people about this, because most seem to have little to no idea it's happening. many of those who do know it's happening don't seem to be sweating the details either. which we had some fun with in tonight's "california recall" edition of "lie witness news." >> have you voted in the recall? >> i have voted in the recall, i have made my decision. >> can i ask who you ended up voting for? >> i voted for -- oh. larry -- larry elders? larry eldridge?
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don't want to say people's names wrong. larry elbridge. >> you're anti-mask? >> i am. >> jeffrey epstein is anti-mask. would you vote for jeffrey epstein? >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> did you research other candidates? >> oh, for the other available candidates? >> for the recall, yeah. >> i looked at a couple, two or three others, i had friends recommending different things. they didn't speak to me like larry elbridge did. >> the stuff people were saying about pat sajak didn't resonate? >> didn't resonate with me. >> do you think kanye west will make a good governor if elected? >> absolutely not. >> kanye's running for governor of california. >> uh-huh. >> he's having campaign listening parties in wyoming. >> yeah. >> do you think that's misguided? >> i believe so. you're not reaching the audience you need to reach. if it's for california, if it's for los angeles, it needs to be for the public of los angeles in los angeles. >> if larry ends up not winning will you be voting in next month's re-recall to recall whoever wins the recall? >> yes, and everyone, vote.
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>> have you voted? >> no, i haven't. as far as i know, you can just put, what's the word, "recall" on a piece of paper, just hand it to them, that's considered a vote. >> yep, i've heard that as well. i've heard you can vote verbally. >> yeah. >> so do you want to verbally vote right now? >> yes, would i could. >> yeah, okay. i can walk you through it. state your name. >> arthur ponto. >> party preference? >> republican. >> candidate of choice? >> larry elder. >> second candidate of choice? >> hm. is there a second? >> ted lasso? >> ted lasso. [ laughter ] >> if you could sign your name in the air with your finger? [ laughter ] >> ding! >> is that good? >> all right, congratulations, you voted, man. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'd vote for governor lasso. there's a new yellow book on the way. another one detailing donald trump's final days in the white house. this one might be the craziest yet. you know how we used to joke
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about how scary it was that trump had the nuclear codes? we weren't alone. the book "peril" is a group of nervous high-ranking government officials following the attack on january 6th on the capitol, mark milley, chairman of the joint chiefs of staff, was so concerned about what trump might do, he took secret steps to make sure he didn't launch nuclear weapons. after a call from nancy pelosi, milley convened a meeting with the top military officials and he instructed them to call him immediately if there was any move by trump to launch a nuclear strike. basically, he had to babyproof the nuclear football. [ laughter ] he was worried trump might try to start a war to stay in power, so much so he called the top military leaders in china twice to assure them we weren't going to attack them. that's a hell of a call. hello? i want to call and say, we're not going to attack you. there's also an interesting anecdote about what went down between trump and his vice poodle in the days leading up to
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january 6th. according to the book, mike pence, when he refused to try to overturn the election, trump warned, if you don't do this, i don't want to be your friend anymore. [ laughter ] pence is like, we're friends? this is good too. in the heat of all this, pence reportedly reached out to former vice president dan quayle to get his advice. that makes sense. i'm in a bind, i think i'll call the guy who couldn't spell potato. [ laughter ] at this point trump is going to have to build a presidential library just to hold all the books that have been written about him. [ laughter ] in new york city last night, in the biggest and most tone-deaf stars got dolled up for the annual met gala, everyone except for nicki minaj, who supposedly refused to get vaccinated, which was required in order to attend. and that happenstance led to a controversial tweet from nicki which led to this controversial reading of that tweet from nicki. >> she said that her cousin in trinidad, quote, won't get the vaccine because his friend got
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it and became impotent, his testicles became swollen, his friend was weeks away from getting married, now that girl called off the wedding. pray on it, make sure you're comfortable with your decision, not bullied. which seems sensible. >> jimmy: yeah, hey. [ laughter ] which part? then this tweet spreads like crazy, everybody's posting it, which has to be great news for nicki's friend's cousin, poor guy. [ laughter ] sitting at home on his couch, tv dinner resting on his nuts. [ laughter ] now he has -- now he's famous. who knew "testicle inflation" was a side effect of covid? nicki lashed out at the coverage, mad, "three lies in a row, i cited my young child is as why i didn't want to travel, notice how none mentioned that, ask yourself why that was." maybe because we got distracted by your cousin's friend's hippo balls? [ laughter ] [ applause ] but this gives also chance to
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talk about something that actually is important. nicki's cousin's friend got the covid vaccine. then his testicles swelled up. that doesn't mean his testicles swelled up because of the covid vaccine. you get the vaccine, fall in a manhole, doesn't mean moderna causes manhole accidents. [ laughter ] when two things happen close together, we tend to see them as connected. if this friend, hate to say it, if your testicles swell up, the question is did you get a vaccine recently, it's, what have you been doing to your balls? [ laughter and applause ] by the way, if anyone can track down this friend of nicki's cousin, i would really like to talk to him, i have questions. [ laughter ] today was the annual apple iphone event, or as tim cook calls it, "give me all your money day." [ laughter ] i woke up, my iphone 12 was begging for its life, very sad. apple, it is incredible, apple has this amazing ability to
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create these high-end, cutting-edge devices that we all want to throw in a river the minute they release one in a new particular. the main event, it was my cousin micki's birthday, she's 50 years old today. [ cheers and applause ] we had ice cream to celebrate. look at this. >> thank you, thank you! >> jimmy: for your 50th birthday, we got you 22 balloons. thank you, it's perfect. >> jimmy: did you have a good day? >> i did, thank you so much. everyone made me feel really loved. >> jimmy: everyone loves miki, she's the most positive american, like a cupcake with sprinkles riding a unicorn. [ laughter ] maybe you've seen miki on the show, if you have, you know she has a way with words and phrases and so miki, to celebrate your special day, we put something together. this is -- we put together a loving tribute, these are all things miki really said as read by her family and friends, so please enjoy the "wit and wisdom
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of our magical miki." >> i'm aunt chippy, miki's mom. for the last 50 years, she's been saying some pretty crazy things. here are a few of them. >> i went away on a trip recently, and miki texted me and she said, i am so happy that you're on vacation, you finally have some time to decompose. [ laughter ] >> one time we were going to a wedding and she said, we just made it by the nick of our feet. or however the saying goes. >> one day miki was telling us about something funny that happened. she said, i was laughing from the epitome of my stomach. [ laughter ] >> miki said, regarding her new electric scooter, it's like a bike on wheels. [ laughter ] >> miki once referred to s argu from africa. and then she said, i mean, australia. [ laughter ] one time i overheard miki really upset because there was an indonesian baby in the news, and he was smoking cigarettes, and i heard her say, a smoking baby?
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why isn't p.e.t.a. getting involved? [ laughter ] >> miki did call me on the phone and said to my, mom, do me a favor, i sent you a package, keep a blind eye out for it. [ laughter ] miki, so genuinely said, are the cubs and the eagles the same team? laugh paragraph. >> mic your once asked me, does the heart of an artichoke come from an animal? [ laughter ] >> one time miki said, books can be deceiving. >> the squeaky worm gets the meat. >> he is the dog who cried wolf. >> i loved the movie "i never watched the book." >> she's a thorne in our waist. >> you've got your pie cut out for you. >> she's going to grow up to be one of those people who eat a lot of meat, a carnival. >> who knew winnie-the-pooh is so smart? what is winnie-the-pooh, a dog? >> i don't want to be the barrier of bad news but jeff goldblum may be dead.
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>> they took her to jail and strip teased her. >> we were sitting down to dinner, elk, and she was excited. she said, i love elk, it's a fish, right? >> when i found out my roommate in college was blind, she asked me, how are you going to talk to him? and i said, with words. [ laughter ] >> christmas eve, we have a seafood feast. miki was trying to distinguish between squid and octopus. and she said, the one with all the testicles. >> happy birthday, you beautiful dumb dumb. [ laughter ] i love you! [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you for loving me! >> jimmy: cousin micki, everybody, 50 years old. [ cheers and applause ] all right. we have a good show for you tonight. from "tacoma fd," steve lemme and kevin heffernan. we have music from the marias. and we'll be back with earvin "magic" johnson. so stick around!
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hello, welcome back. tonight, from "tacoma fd" on trutv, steve lemme and kevin heffernan are here. [ cheers and applause ] then later, from right here in los angeles, their album is called "cinema" -- music from the marias. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow night, bill maher and hannah waddingham will join us with music from carly pearce. and on thursday night, curtis "50 cent" jackson, brett goldsteen, and james blake. so please join -- oh, also,
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tomorrow night at 8:00 -- parts three and four of the new "30 for 30" documentary about the 1986 new york mets, "once upon a time in queens," directed by nick davis and executive produced by me and my cousin sal. watch the unbleeped version on espn and the clean version on espn2. the unbleeped version is a lot more entertaining. [ laughter ] that's tomorrow night. if you want to see the rest of that, please tune in. our first guest tonight is one of the most beloved athletes in the history of the world, and he loves us too. he loves us so much, he's here tonight on his 30th wedding anniversary. he's sleeping on the couch tonight. [ laughter ] please welcome the one and only earvin "magic" johnson. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> jimmy: you're great, look at you, you look good. >> oh, thank you. well, the wife dressed me up. >> jimmy: she did? >> she said, you're going to spend the 30th anniversary with jimmy, you better look right. >> jimmy: that's right. will you guys go do something after this? >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: okay. >> i didn't tell her. i got a big surprise. >> jimmy: you do? >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: oh, do you do that every year? or just a big milestone? >> this is 30, i had to do something really great, nice for her. i got to surprise her. all the girlfriends tried to get it out of me today. >> jimmy: they did? >> what's he gonna do? nah. >> jimmy: are you good at keeping secrets? >> oh, yeah, i played basketball. [ cheers and applause ] i better be good at keeping secrets. >> jimmy: right. when you were playing, you must have missed a lot of big things, like christmas, thanksgiving, birthdays that kind of stuff, right? >> yeah missed all the holidays
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because i was dedicated and married to basketball. >> jimmy: right. >> and cookie understood, my family, sometimes mother's day -- that hurt me because i love my mother, we're close. >> jimmy: yeah? >> so that was kind of hard. but at the same time, i was going for my goal and dream, which was to win an nba championship. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah, right, of course. and i really didn't follow your career. how did that work out? [ laughter ] >> not too shabby, not too bad, you know? so, you know, what's hard is you've got to give up being a father too, away from your family a lot, because you're on the road a lot. >> jimmy: right, yeah. >> so it wasn't just the holidays. also seeing your wife, seeing your kids, watching them as they excel in school or have a play . because my kids were in drama. or my daughter played basketball. so you're going to miss a lot of things. >> jimmy: miss some of that stuff, yeah. it wasn't like now where you could get a video of it real
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quick or facetime or any of that stuff. >> oh, yeah, all the cell phones, everything is instant, you can see it uploaded in 2 seconds. >> jimmy: right, i haven't seen my kids in months. [ laughter ] so i happen to know on your 25th anniversary, you gave cookie a 25-carat ring. >> yes. >> jimmy: do you have to up to that 30 now? [ laughter ] >> no, you know, that was special. you know, when you think about being together, being married for 25 years. >> jimmy: yeah? >> just what we just talked about. me missing a lot of different things. she deserved that ring. but more than that, just the fact that i appreciate her, right? just like now, 30 years. i just love her. love being with her. love being around her. and she's my best friend. >> jimmy: magic, you are killing it. [ laughter ] >> so everybody, go for 30. >> jimmy: go for 30. [ cheers and applause ] 30 for 30.
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is it -- is a 25-carat ring bigger or smaller than a basketball? [ laughter ] >> small, just more expensive, that's all. >> jimmy: i see, i see. where did you guys meet, you and cook cookie? >> i saw her walking on a campus. and she had on the tightest jeans i ever seen in my life. [ laughter ] and i said, i got to meet her. >> jimmy: and you walked right up? >> walked right up to -- i followed the jeans. [ laughter ] and we met. and man -- you know how you meet somebody, you just know? this has to be my girl. >> jimmy: that's how it was with me and guillermo, yeah. [ laughter ] >> love at first sight. >> jimmy: it was, love at first sight. so where's your first date? did you go on a real date? >> the first date -- you know, college, you don't have no money. >> jimmy: right. >> you got to go to arby's, you know? [ laughter ] i had two dates. i had the first one at arby's, because i love that roast beef sandwich back in the day. >> jimmy: uh-huh, same here,
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yeah. >> that special sauce. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> that's the key. >> jimmy: the arby's with the red one, or the horsey sauce? >> no, no, no, no. >> jimmy: i'm with you. >> the sweeter one. >> jimmy: the red one, that's right. >> you've got to have that. >> jimmy: i'll have a whole bottle of that. they're like, get out of here! >> not a half bottle, a whole bottle. >> jimmy: squeeze the whole dam >> then i had one suit. >> jimmy: oh. >> her birthday was coming up. so i met her in december, her birthday was in january, and so i had one suit to wear. and it was actually three suits because you could reverse the jacket. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh. [ applause ] >> i grew up poor. but i took her to a restaurant on her birthday. >> jimmy: to another fast food restaurant? or a regular restaurant? >> no, borrowed money from my father. >> jimmy: you did, wow. wow. >> went to a real restaurant. >> jimmy: and she appreciated that? >> and she appreciated that, because that's the last time, in college. >> jimmy: where did you guys go
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on your honeymoon? >> we went on our honeymoon -- which one? >> jimmy: i don't know, the first one 30 years ago. [ laughter ] >> no we went to paris. because the lakers were playing in paris. so i said, look, let's just go and enjoy paris. >> jimmy: it was a work honeymoon? >> a work honeymoon. >> jimmy: wow. >> because we got married right before the season. >> jimmy: i see. >> so i made it up to her, then i took her to europe after that. >> jimmy: uh-huh, yeah, sure. >> because we got married in september. the season was starting in a couple of weeks. >> jimmy: now that you bring up europe, i have something i need to talk to you about. it's a conversation we've had every time you've been here, like the last ten times. you go on this vacation to italy every year. you go on a yacht with sam jackson and some other friends. >> yes. >> jimmy: each time you're here, i ask if i can come. [ laughter ] and each time, you smile and say, "absolutely." and then each summer, i'm looking at instagram. [ laughter ] [ applause ]
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i mean, i don't want to be -- but usually i'm sitting on the toilet, and i realize that you have gone on the vacation without me. and once again, this summer. so then i, just maybe even partly to show you how much fun we would have, i start photoshopping myself into your vacation photos. [ laughter and applause ] there we are. there's me, you and cookie. oh, i went for a little swim. [ applause ] i even made a video this year to try to -- while magic was working on his yacht, there's me. looking very fit. [ applause ] then you, and i don't know -- >> that's the one right there. >> jimmy: you photoshopped yourself into my vacation photos. [ cheers and applause ] >> that's right, that's right, that's right. >> jimmy: now i have a new strategy. because i've asked sam, and he just usually has the decency to basically say no.
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so what i'm now doing, i don't know if you're aware of this. >> no. >> jimmy: i'm befriending your other friends, okay? on instagram. i've started following holly robinson peete, rodney peete, ll cool j, ll cool j's wife, i'm following everybody, trying to work my way in from that angle. [ laughter ] >> okay, okay, how's that going for you? >> jimmy: not as good as it should be. [ applause ] >> i was wondering how that was going, since they all get invited by me. are they helping you out? >> jimmy: you know? >> you know what's crazy, they don't want to give up their spot. >> jimmy: of course. magic johnson is with us. we'll be right back. >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by las vegas, the greatest arena on earth.
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ooh! ooh... yeah? oh, yeah! there are many ways to say it... sí. yes. ...but when you find the best bargains ever at ross, you'll say yes for less! ♪ you know, i love being down here on the floor. it's like a big part of basketball. the sound. to smell it. smells, mm, dirty. because it is dirty. but you can also use it for practicing ball-handling drills like this. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's how it happened. ow>> h's you always come up wit video that i haven't seen forever. >> jimmy: we've got a hundred of those. [ laughter ]
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do you believe that nicki minaj's cousin's friend had swollen decemberi ankles? >> no. >> jimmy: if so, bigger or smaller than that basketball? [ laughter ] >> well, if they were swollen, bigger. but i don't believe it. >> jimmy: you don't believe it. did you convince your parents to get vaccinated? >> yes, and they did. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: good. something so interesting. how long have you known dr. fauci? >> oh, man, over 30 years. >> jimmy: over 30 years. >> about 30. >> jimmy: were you surprised, like everybody else, when suddenly he became a well-known figu figure? >> yes, and it's crazy too, because he's only about this high. [ laughter ] when we talk, he's looking up at me, i'm looking down. but at that time, it was hiv. you know, you never thought that he would become the czar, the man that everybody goes to in terms of anything that happens with diseases in this country or around the world, really.
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>> jimmy: did he advise you at that time? >> oh, yeah. him and dr. ho and so i was really in capable hands. dr. ho was great, dr. fauci was great. that's why i'm here 30 years, you know? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: was there a typical doctor/patient type situation? would dr. fauci examine you? >> no, dr. ho work, but he would talk to me about hiv and aids and be around. then i could talk to him as well. >> jimmy: right. >> it's really great, because here's two men who love basketball, love sports, and so he'd be examining me but we're talking about the lakers or knicks. it made it great, that 20 minutes that i was in the office, we had a great time. >> jimmy: right, yeah. >> right? and again, both of them, i give a lot of thanks. >> jimmy: sure. >> bus that's why i'm still here, 30 years. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we all do, for you and everything they've done. >> that's why it's crazy that somebody wouldn't follow their advice. right?
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>> jimmy: it is crazy. it must seem especially crazy to you. >> yeah, it does. and it is. and so my family, a lot of my sisters are teachers, so they got vaccinated. myself. cookie, of course. even my kids. at the beginning they were going back and forth, but now they're vaccinated. they're getting their friends to get vaccinated. >> good. that's good. [ cheers and applause ] i'm glad to hear that. you guys, you know -- i don't know if you know this. it's lebron's anniversary with his wife tonight. >> i did not know that. >> jimmy: taco tuesday, 8th anniversary. [ laughter ] >> lebron, happy anniversary, and i need another ring so let's go get this championship. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how many rings? you're going to have to grow more fingers. >> i know. >> the dodgers again -- >> i have 11 laker rings. >> jimmy: 11 laker rings. >> i have a world series ring. and i have a wnba ring. >> jimmy: wow. >> so 13 championship rings. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: have you ever -- be honest, have you ever put any of
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them on your toes? [ laughter ] >> you know what? i wear every one of them one day. >> jimmy: one day? you rotate? >> i don't wear any jewelry, no watches, rings, no anything, not even my wedding band. cookie knew. i'm a guy that if i put it down, it's over, it's lost. >> jimmy: you will lose it, okay. when you guys were -- like you and michael jordan and charles barkley, i don't know if you -- i know you and larry bird have a good relationship. i don't know if you would ever hang out in those old days. >> no, no. i hate larry. then, at the time. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: right. what would people's reaction be when they would see you guys together? >> oh, they would go crazy. i mean, you know -- it's wonderful because we all walked in as a dream team, and they wouldn't know who to go to first, right? michael, charles -- they didn't know who to ask for an autograph or picture first. the greatest moment happened
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when we went to a tyson fight. so jimmy, it's all -- most of the dream team, we're all there together. charles barkley stood up and said, i'm going to get drinks for everybody. took everybody's order. well, the bell rang as he got in the hallway to order the drinks. and mike went and knocked him out in 20 seconds. [ laughter ] charles barkley comes back with all the drinks and he said, what happened? [ laughter ] we said, "the fight's over!" he threw the drinks in the air. he stormed off. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: that's pretty good. >> bcause he was so mad. well, mike tyson used to knock everybody out. >> jimmy: i remember, oh, boy, that was the best. he'd come out, no music, no fight song -- >> socks, gym shorts. >> jimmy: probably naked if he was able to. >> if he could, he would have. >> jimmy: crush somebody and leave. >> exactly. >> jimmy: yeah.
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well, i wish you well. your an verse festivities tonight. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i hope you don't screw it up. >> thank you, i appreciate you saying that, that's a lot of pressure coming from you. >> jimmy: would you like me to come to dinner with introduce and cookie tonight? [ laughter ] so we could get a sense of our vacation this summer? got to get to know each other - like that. >> jimmy: right. >> that's how you're going to get in, okay? >> jimmy: all right, okay. [ cheers and applause ] >> thanks. >> jimmy: magic johnson, everybody. i hope i passed the audition. we'll be back with steve lemme and kevin heffernan. we're for those who love to discover. who know an open mind... is the only kind. who are their own personal stylist. who know where to escape, even just for a moment. who don't need a fortune to find a gem. and who know when you spend less, you can discover even more. and never, ever stop discovering. spend less. discover more.
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>> jimmy: music from the marias are on the way. our next guests are two-fifths of the broken lizard comedy troupe with 30 years of friendship under their super-trooping belts. season three of their show "tacoma fd" premieres thursday night at 10:00 on trutv. please welcome steve lemme and kevin heffernan. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: look at you guys, all dressed up and everything. >> i know, this is crazy. i don't wear ties anymore. how's it look? >> you look good, great. [ applause ] >> jimmy: you are dressed almost identically to guillermo, as a
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matter of fact. [ laughter ] >> really? >> jimmy: 30 years, you've known each other as long as cookie and magic hoof been married. [ laughter ] >> yes, ardi's tonight. >> love the roast beef sandwich. >> jimmy: how did you meet? >> similar to cookie and magic. >> i was wearing very tight shorts. [ laughter ] very tight. >> we went to colgate university, went to college together. and it's upstate new york -- any colgate people out there? >> jimmy: no, no. [ laughter ] maybe they brushed their teeth with it, but probably not anything other than that. [ laughter ] >> we went to college together. it didn't start out very well. i was in a fraternity. we used to have parties in the wintertime. people would come to the party at the practice tenderty house, they would take their winter coats off, throw them on a pile in the living room. one night, having a party, i was rady to leave. went to get my coat out of the pile. and it was missing, it was gone. the whole -- my coat was gone,
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somebody stole it. i was pissed off, it's cold in upstate new york, didn't have a coat. a couple weeks later, we had another party. i went to the pile. there's my coat sitting there. i found it. i picked it up. i reach in the pocket. and the idiot who stole my coat had left his college i.d. in the coat pocket. and i looked at it. "steven carlos lemme." [ laughter ] so i went looking for the guy. and i found him on the dance floor. uh-huh, dancing. and i say, hey, buddy, you stole my coat. he said, no, i didn't. i said, i found your i.d. in it. he said, oh my god, the guy who stole my coat must have been the same guy who stole my i.d. [ laughter ] touche. >> jimmy: diabolical. >> it was. he liked that, i could tell he liked that. you have to understand from my perspective. >> jimmy: okay. >> you know, a coat, it was freezing all the time. i was a freshman, down the hill at this fraternity party, a blizzard started. i went and looked at this pile
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of coats. i started sifting through them. this is like you're at the shopping warehouse, a pile of coats. that wrapped around me [ laughter ] and the best part was, i reached into the pocket and there was a jumbo snickers bar. [ laughter ] and i was like, this, this is the winner right here. i walked home up this hill, cardiac hill, ate my jumbo snickers bar. i forgot where i had gotten the coat. i came back a couple of weeks later, met kevin, and he hated me. >> jimmy: yeah, sure. >> then we went to arby's. >> jimmy: went to arby's, yeah. it seems unwise to pick the coat of the biggest guy at the party. i mean, it seems like that just is inherently a bad decision. >> you mean because he was going to kick my ass? >> jimmy: yes, presumably. >> except i said it wrapped around me twice. it was the warmest thing i'd tried on in my life. >> jimmy: you're saying comfort was top priority? >> the blizzard, and the hill was called cardiac hill, so i
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had to insulate myself. >> jimmy: i see, all right, all right. very good. now, you guys are doing this show, i still lived in seattle, i lived in tacoma for a short time. >> oh, you did? >> jimmy: in tacoma, "tacoma fd." why did you pick tacoma for the site of the show? >> a few years back we made "super troopers." [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: right, yes, everybody loves -- >> yeah. and, you know, the premise of the movie was cops who are in a remote area and have time on their hands to screw around. we were making this firefighter show, trying to think of what the equivalent of that was. to us it was, let's set it in the rainiest city in america. then the firefighters would have time to screw around. >> jimmy: makes sense. >> which makes sense. but the tacoma fire department were pissed off. >> jimmy: really? >> the real guys. >> jimmy: mad once they saw the show? or -- >> they liked it, but at the time, they heard about it. we were doing a standup show in seattle. we're sitting backstage. the owner of the club came out and said, hey, there's a bunch
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of tacoma firefighters here, and they want to talk to you. and it's not a good thing, you know? [ laughter ] we're like, oh, man. we went out after the show. they said to us, hey, we work really hard here in tacoma, we're the hardest-working fire department, we don't appreciate you guys presenting us that way. and we said, okay, tell you what, we'll do a good job, we'll represent you well. the guy said, by the way, and he pulled out a big card, i also do technical consulting for film and tv. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and by the way, while we're on the by the ways, how hard could they be working if they decided to show up in force at a comedy show? >> that's right. >> jimmy: so they like it now? >> they like it. we're friends with them. they send us all kinds of -- they sent us an ax. >> jimmy: they did? >> a bejazzeled ax. it was a gift. >> jimmy: apparently you can mail an ax these days. [ laughter ] firefighters do have a lot of free time, they definitely do. and it's not just fires that
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they're dealing with. they have to kind of do, like, whatever weird calls come in, they have to take care of them. >> oh, yeah. no, i mean, you know -- like firefighters are kind of a catch-all. >> jimmy: yeah. >> for everything. of course they fight fires. car accidents, they're there. they also have to deal with whatever other noncriminal call that comes across -- for instance, when we were interviewing firefighters for our show, asking them about stories, the one common thing was how many guys they have to rescue who have gotten their penis stuck in things. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this happens a lot? >> it happens a lot. >> apparently all the time. >> especially on full moons. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what? >> full moon, penis stuck. >> jimmy: on full moons this happens more often? >> apparently, that's what they said. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. we ask firefighters, like is the penis thing true? they're like, oh, yeah, absolutely. >> then they go to you a list. wedding ring, people get stuck
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in their wedding ring. >> jimmy: how romantic. >> soda bottle. they go through this list of crazy stuff. >> anything you can put your penis into, they have pulled a man out of that thing. [ laughter ] >> at work. >> jimmy: wow. i always knew they were heroes. i did not know the extent. >> yeah. >> jimmy: of their heroism, yes. >> and it's also -- they take things out of people. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's the circle of life, in a way. >> that's right, that's right. >> jimmy: well. well, i'm sure they're honored to have you representing them. >> yeah. >> jimmy: thanks for coming. the show is "tacoma fd." season 3 premieres thursday at 10:00 on trutv. steve and kevin, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] thank you, gentlemen. we'll be back with the marias!
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and keeping their vacation in california supports our small businesses and communities. which means that beautiful baby gherkin atop this charcuterie masterpiece is like another brick in the rebuilding of our economy. job well done friends. calling all californians. keep your vacation here and help our state get back to work. and please travel responsibly. >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live concert series" is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: this is their album, it's called "cinema." making their late night tv debut with the song "hush" -- the marias!
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ don't act so special what i do is not for you forget about it you made this mess ♪ ♪ i'll knock at your door don't you ignore or forget about it ♪ ♪ every night got you running in circles i know touching me ♪ ♪ get your paws off my dolce cologne back it up off my throne ♪ ♪ 'cause you know you wanna make me walk away and forget about it hush ♪ ♪ ♪ hush ♪ ♪ don't think you've
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made it under my skin could never get in forget about it ♪ ♪ don't talk so much your tongue is burning up i've had enough forget about it ♪ ♪ every night got you running in circles i know touching me ♪ ♪ get your paws off my dolce cologne back it up off my throne ♪ ♪ 'cause you know you wanna make me walk away and forget about it ♪ ♪ fallin in my den full of lions full of breath ♪ ♪ take the muzzle from their heads i'm a sucker for revenge ♪ ♪ i see you fallin' in my den full of lions full of breath ♪ ♪ i take the muzzle from their heads i'm a sucker for revenge ♪ ♪ don't act so special
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don't act so good forget about it every night ♪ ♪ got you running in circles i know touching me ♪ ♪ get your paws off my dolce cologne back it up off my throne ♪ ♪ 'cause you know you wanna make me walk away and forget about it ♪ ♪ hush ♪ ♪ ♪ hush ♪ ♪ ♪ hush ♪ ♪ ♪ hush ♪ ♪ ♪ hush ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live concert series" is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing.
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>> jimmy: i want to thank steve, kevin, magic and the marias. apologies to matt damon. we did run out of time for him.
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tomorrow night, bill maher and hannah waddingham with music from carly pearce. "nightline" is next. thanks for watching, or as they say in canada, thanks for watching. this is "nightline." >> tonight, the road to victory for gavin newsom. >> thank you for rejecting this recall. >> how the democratic governor of california survived a recall. inside the final days to the finish line. >> we lost the battle, but we are certainly going to win the war. >> from front runners to famous faces. what's now at stake for the future of the golden state. meet the four-legged guardian angels. raised and trained by a very unlikely group. >> how many of the women here have been convicted of a violent crime? basically everybody? >> given a second chance behind


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