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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  November 29, 2021 11:35pm-12:37am PST

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alvarez, all of from ywd, "jimmy kimmel live." tonight, kathy griffin, alan ruck, and music from inhaler. and now, jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: hello. i'm jimmy. i appreciate that. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for joining us on the most important holiday of all, cyber monday. also known as "every company you ever bought something from sends
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you eleven emails" day. great to hear from you linens n' things. it's listen so long. i got aggressive for cyber monday this year. i drove down to the port of los angeles and lined up outside a container ship. i was like hey, let's go. this is our first show back after thanksgiving. i hope you had a good one. i had a mildly frightening thanksgiving. you may have seen this on istagram. i was lighting the pizza oven and i wish i could say this is the first time i've done this, but i turned on the gas and flipped the switch. usually it lights up first. 40 minutes goes by. the oven didn't light. so i grabbed a piece of paper, lit it on fire. lit it on fire, and tossed it into the oven and boom! it came right back at me. it's a good thing i was wearing a hat because i would be bald tonight. i wound up roasting my hair and lightly searing my face.
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the smell was very bad. i think the reason burning hair smells so bad is it's god's way of saying "you are on fire." but even though the hair on my arm and head was burned, even though i was blasted by a fireball, i had a meal to prepare, so i kept going. i didn't even put ice on my face. i looked in the mirror and went huh. i took a picture and went right back to cooking. i finished every dish and got the turkeys on the table because what am i, guillermo? >> you're an idiot. >> jimmy: that's right. an idiot. last christmas, i chopped the tip of my finger off. did i go to the hospital? no! and why, guillermo? >> because you're a [ bleep ] idiot. >> jimmy: that's right. unfortunately, the turkey is delicious and i have to height myself on fire every year. i know i'm done when that little
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thing in my belly button pops out. did you cook, guillermo? >> no. my wife did. i was in charge of the drinks. >> jimmy: what did your wife make? >> she made chicken rice. >> jimmy: every year you guys have chicken. >> we don't like turkey. it's too dry. >> jimmy: if you overcook it, it's too dry. you know it's the law. you're supposed to have turkey on thanksgiving. you're not allowed to have chicken. >> mexicans don't respect the law. >> jimmy: i didn't even know you were mexican. wow. in new york, they held the annual macy's thanksgiving day parade with some precautions this time around. all of the floats had to be vaccinated to attend. the turkey was masked up. the pillsbury doughboy. he was playing it very safe. olaf in a face shield.
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and santa claus, i don't know if that's a ventilator or oxygen mask. which is probably for the best because there is a new flavor of covid on the way. if it isn't here already. the "omicron" variant, which so far has been reported in africa, australia, belgium, britain, germany, italy, and a handful of other countries, including canada. trying to guess where it will strike next is fun. it's like "where in the world is covid san diego?" it's a fun game to play. omicron has been declared a "variant of concern" by the world health organization. experts are hoping it ends up being like the second season of "tiger king." everybody talks about it, but no one actually experiences it. and of course, the right wingnuts have a new theory that the variant is some kind of ploy concocted by the democrats to help them win elections. former white house doctor and current congressman ronny jackson tweeted on saturday, "here comes the mev -- the midterm election variant!
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they need a reason to push unsolicited nationwide mail-in ballots. democrats will do anything to cheat during an election, but we're not going to let them!" so let me get this straight. chuck schumer and nancy pelosi developed this variant to encourage democrats to vote by mail. seems like maybe you're giving them too much credit. do you think democrats are that organized? they can't even get joe manchin to support maternity leave! i don't think they're creating viruses. but this man, who is a doctor, a white house doctor. this is a man who had obama and trump's testicles in his palm just making up crazy stuff. that's our world now. the name "omicron" comes from the greek alphabet, which means the next variant will be called pi. that's a problem. as much as americans don't want to get covid, we do love pie.
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and we all know which one wins between our brain and stomach. meanwhile the weakest variant of the trump virus, donald jr., was vaxxing poetic about freedom this weekend on fox news. >> you don't hear about what's going on as it relates to the riots in europe on a daily basis now against the vaccine mandates. because our media wants to block that out. they're going to make sure that you never hear about it, because they don't want you getting these kind of ideas that freedom may actually still exist in some parts of the world. i mean, europe is pushing back, and america is sitting there like sheep. let's just go along with these guys. it's insanity. >> jimmy: your dad told us to drink bleach. they always seem to forget that. the white house today revealed its decorations for the holiday season.
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they're quite beautiful. that is the white house tree with thinly sliced parmesan cheese all over it. there's even a scale model gingerbread white house. that's got to kill trump. give him five minutes alone with that white house, he'll make it disappear faster than the aliens in "independence day." first lady jill biden said the white house christmas theme this year will be "gifts from the heart." which is also what her husband calls one of his signature back rubs. i'm just giving you a gift from the heart!" that is a significant departure from former first lady melania trump's theme, which was "dead on the inside." you remember how much melania loved doing christmas at the white house? >> i'm working like a -- >> jimmy: i believe that is slovenian for "merry christmas?" the white house christmas festivities inadvertently set
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off a rare moment of truth on the right wing fox wannabe newsmax today, where the veil of anti-biden b.s. lifted ever so slightly. >> it is the season of giving, and the white house wants texas to give $139,000 to cover the cost of joe biden's first national christmas tree lighting. while inflation still on the rise, many americans may not be able to get their own christmas tree or other holiday necessities. yet the white house, they'll still have theirs. and more. >> it is the white house. i mean, you do want them to have it. is this out of the ordinary? >> no, it's not. they spent $160,000 before. so we're trying to create something out of nothing? never happens on tv. >> we don't do that. >> jimmy: wow. a moment of clarity. that was like watching a dog walk into a mirror. christmas is now less than a month away. thanksgiving is behind us, and now every company is rolling out
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their holiday-themed products. and none more so than starbucks who are adding a new flavored coffee to their seasonal collection. >> the holidays are here. and there's no better tradition than starbucks seasonal beverages. we've got all your favorites. caramel apple, pumpkin spice lat latte, and introducing the all-new deviled egg nogguccino. we start with our blend of the finest gas station deviled egg, throw in two shots of espresso. a generous helping of nutmeg and heavy cream. blend it together and top it off with a drizzle of mustard and a dusting of smoked hungarian paprika. you've got a holiday drink that's guaranteed to get your stomach rumbling. the deviled egg nog g uccino. now available at starbucks. we're running out of ideas.
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>> jimmy: we have to take a break, but when we come back, we have a challenge. we asked you to go through your mom's house and ask her to explain one item of useless junk they keep around the house. so sure enough, people did. when we come back, we'll take a look -- what do we call that? mother clutter. we'll be right back.
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this is your home. this is your family room slash gym.
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the guest bedroom slash music studio. the daybed slash dog bed. the living room slash yoga shanti slash regional office slash classroom. and this is the basement slash panic room. maybe what your family needs is a vacation home slash vacation home. find yours on the vrbo app. ♪ ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to the show. kathy griffin, alan ruck, and music from inhaler are coming up. but first, i mentioned on the show last week how when you go home for the holidays, especially if you haven't been
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there for a while, you notice that moms hang onto a lot of crazy stuff. my mother, for example, has a collection of teapots. we have no idea where they came from. they've just been there on the shelf since like 1973. cleto's mom collects little statues of clowns. that are doing different jobs. guillermo, does your mother pco? >> no, nothing, jimmy. i throw it away for her. >> jimmy: you threw her stuff away? >> yeah, she lives in a single apartment. >> jimmy: what does she have? >> old medicine from like 19 -- >> jimmy: that's not a collection. >> i throw out all the things. >> jimmy: i think you're missing the point. all that carving of the chicken has you confused. >> i think so too, yeah. >> jimmy: so i asked our viewers while they were home for thanksgiving to find the strangest thing at your mom's house, ask her to explain it, and then post that explanation using the hashtag "mother clutter." many of you heeded that call.
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and with that said, it's time to look at some junk in the first-ever edition of "mother clutter." ♪ ♪ >> okay, jimmy. i am a collector of magnets. i love magnets. i have thousands of magnets. i change them out on a monthly basis. i love them. i can't stop. i even have magnets from places i've never even been before. >> i got it at a garage sale. i guess you got it at a promo after you bought a bottle of booze. i was going to put it in my fairy garden, but it's kind of not fairy-ish. >> feet, feet. >> these are -- what are these? >> it nic china cabinet. that's where you would keep
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them. >> what do you do with gal stones? i had it put in a jar. my mother crocheted this little doyly and i keep it in my china cabinet where it longs. >> put the lid on it, and you put it in your bed where your feet are, and then you go to bed, you can sleep with warm feet. that's what this thing is all about. >> cool. and it's not a fire hazard? >> only if you're around. >> it is a very bizarre mug, and i'm not exactly sure what face that is. >> this is my first acquisition, probably 25 years ago. and we move him around the house so he can pee on a dining room chair or a person or something.
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>> this is for plants. you know i save everything. >> i'm not sure this qualifies as clutter, because i'm a serious collector. i have everything from very important photographs of flamingos to what something people call frivolous collections. so i don't know how anybody can accuse me of being a hoarder of flamingos. >> mom, what is this? >> a bird cage. >> do you have a bird? >> no. >> why do you have that then? >> i'm hoping i get a bird that's a really good bird. >> you've had it for how many years? >> about 20. >> mom, what's this? >> this is a bird cage. >> that's another bird cage. >> is there a bird in that bird cage? >> no. is there supposed to be? >> mom! what is that? >> it's an antique bird cage.
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>> is there a bird in it? >> no. >> damn it! >> these were from when my kids were 7, 8 years old. and i turned it into a planter, so it was like a planter with legs. but that never happened, so they just stayed legs. >> mom, explain this. >> ann gave it to me for christmas one year. >> hold it up to the camera. >> i like it. he doesn't know anything about real art. i love it. it's really so beautiful. it's so wonderful. it's going in the garbage. >> i'm going to throw you in the garbage. >> this is the stupidest thing i
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have in my house. >> jimmy: you're welcome, aunt chippy. i think we should do it again for christmas. the hashtag to use is "mother clutter." and after the holidays we'll show our favorites. what better way to celebrate the holidays than by embarrassing the woman who raised you on television? we'll be right back with kathy griffin.
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mrs. claus the shopping boss here to help you merry savers find the best bargains ever! when you have the world's longest list you go to ross so you can work that budget and get those savings. i love saying yes to more merry for less at ross. >> jimmy: welcome back to the show. tonight from "successi"successi hbo, future president alan ruck is with us. then later, a really good band, they came all the way from dublin. their album is called "it won't always be like this." inhaler on the mercedes-benz stage. we've got ault new shows this
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week. billy crystal will be with us. dr. ken jeong, riz ahmed, and music from local natives and norah jones. and i have some exciting news to share. on december 7th, one week from tomorrow, i am teaming up once again with kerry washington and the great norman lear for our third installment of "live in front of a studio audience." we've already revealed that one of the episodes we're reviving is "diff'rent strokes" starring damon wayans as willis, john lithgow as mr. drummond, ann dowd as mrs. garrett, and kevin hart as arnold. and now, it is time to reveal the companion show. our companion show is none other than "the facts of life." can i get a drumroll? and we have an incredible cast for that, too. ann dowd will repeat her role as mrs. garrett, natalie will be played by allison tolman. jo will be played by
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kathryn hahn. tootie will be played by gabrielle union. blair will be portrayed by jennifer aniston. and we will have some surprises too. we're bringing "diff'rent strokes" and "facts of life" back to life tuesday, december 7th live at 8pm right here on abc. please join us for that. our first guest is a remarkably resilient human being. she has a grammy, a guinness world record, two emmys, and all the kardashian-jenner cell numbers in her phone. you can see her on season five of the show "search party" premiering january 7th on hbo max. please welcome kathy griffin. [ applause ] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: kathy, great to see
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you. i was worried you would be like low energy. but boy, you are not. >> never. okay, so i have to explain my voice, you guys. listen to my voice. so i had surgery. you're not going the believe this. so i've never smoked, but i got lung cancer. in august, i had half of my left lung removed. i'm not kidding. so now they put the intubation tube on my vocal chord. so now i'm like mini mouse meets marilyn monroe. i'm not sure. >> jimmy: i kind of like it. ♪ happy birthday to you ♪ >> jimmy: you need to do some animation fast before that heals up. >> it will heal, but i'm sort of enjoying it. i'm a good two octaves higher, i think. it's higher than mariah carry, i know that. so i also want to explain my attire, jimmy. i can't believe that you're
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dressed -- during covid, i gained 20 pounds. so now that i'm a big lady, i'm curvy. i'm a full-sized model now. so now i can't fit into any of my like size two stuff. so now i just wear gucci track suits. [ applause ] >> jimmy: you look do you buy them online or do you go into the store and try them on? >> well, i'm too famous to go to stores. first of all, i should say my inspiration was i rewatched "sopranos" during covid. i manifested that. so i go in the store, i don't mean to be rude, but this whole getup with the fannie pack and if shoes, it costs more than you
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make that a year, i'm not going to lie. so i'm chubby or rollie polly, but i'm also average. >> jimmy: you look very, very wealthy. did the doctors get it all? >> yes. so i'm cancer free. [ applause ] >> jimmy: that's great news. >> okay. so i had like a tumor, and i've never smoked. it was in there for ten years. so get this, they took it out, and so i go in. when you're a comic, it's horrible on the doctors. they want to do their material on you. so no joke. g i go in. he goes, it's like a balloon. we poke it. and when we take it out, it kind of looks like a used condom.
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the doctor. and then he goes, you can use that. >> jimmy: how generous of him. and you just did. >> i just did. and insurance covered it. >> jimmy: so you have a joke courtesy of insurance. >> you know i love the gays, jimmy. >> jimmy: you are -- are you a leader in the gay community? >> i would like to say that i think any gay knows that there's an open door at mrs. kathy's house. >> jimmy: a beacon. >> it's a beacon of hope. now that i live in malibu, i want to be like streisand, where the gays have to make a sojourn to come see me. they come and sit before me and i judge them. it's like -- >> jimmy: is that what barbara does, she lines them up and judges them? >> yeah, and they love it. next week, i want to be number
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three. >> jimmy: i like that rupaul direction for you. >> because of my lung surgery, i wanted a new drag name. for years i had [ bleep ]. for years. so i thought this time i should do like a drag name like sort of a nod to someone fabulous. so i was like okay, what if i'm diva half a long >> jimmy: i like it. technical technically, you have one full lung, but go with it. >> you know what's terrible? i am the worst at playing the cancer card. like, ask me to do anything. >> jimmy: would you mind, we're doing a charity event, we're trying to get some people to pack boxes. >> a charity event? ask me to get you something. >> jimmy: oh, okay.
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kathy, would you run and get me a coffee? >> i have too much cancer. >> jimmy: i feel like the answer would have been no any way. this show "search party" this is the fifth season. >> you know i'm canceled, right? i was like canceled canceled. so i'm slowly getting uncanceled. what's funny is people are like afraid of me now and all that stuff. they're like, that guy paul gosar made a video. any way, i think i might get uncanceled. i think i'm an actress again, guys. >> jimmy: i rejected your cancel. just reject your cancel. >> by the way, you are really, really, of the people i can count on, on one hand that rejected my cancellation. >> jimmy: yes, it was ridiculous. of course it was ridiculous.
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you are officially uncanceled by me and guillermo. and you're now part of the show, which is a very funny show. >> it's called "search party." young kids that don't know i'm a terrorist. the magas think i'm a terrorist. they watch the tick tack. and they love it. you know the kids. what's great is, the young gays, they have discovered me. >> jimmy: is that right? i'm going to do a clip from your show and you'll explain the character? >> i'm very excited. i'm an actress again. >> have you ever got an new boss without a heads up? i didn't think so. makes you want to clinch your [ bleep ] so tight it hurts like hell. these people know your name and how you like to spread your legss. they even know the roledex of
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attractive people you keep in your head. you're just sandwiches to them. that's right, i'm talking to you and you and you and you. >> jimmy: she's back. kathy griffin. [ applause ] you're playing a crazy person. >> i'm so excited, because i love that look of the character. it's kind patty smith meets qanon. if patty smith was in qanon, that's my character. i'm super obsessed with people believing all these conspiracy theorys. so i go online, and i don't troll, but i do what's called lurking, and i follow all that stuff. i watched the mike lindell 96-hour telethon. the my pillow guy. i've had to learn about all the qanon stuff, because they think i eat baby blood with hillary clinton. you've got to do a little research.
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>> jimmy: for the record, that never happened, right? >> i have not eaten any babies. i have not harvested anything. so it was very fun yichltfunny. i had done so much research on qanon, i had them on zoom call for like eight hours. >> jimmy: a special event that happened in your life, quietly and secretly, which is rare for you, kathy. you got married. [ applause ] you and -- either you and lily tomlin got married or you and randy. >> my boyfriend of many years, we've been together ten years. randy. i got married. we did it last new year's eve, and we got lily tomlin to officiate. >> jimmy: that's great.
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how much does she charge for that? >> $75,000 plus expenses. a club membership. there's a dinah shore worship ceremony. so any way -- >> jimmy: did you have a reception, a party? >> so it was new year's eve. i called her and she and her wife jane came over. the whole wedding is like 18 minutes. i put it on youtube, because it's so charming. our dogs, they were like climbing up my dress. it was just loose and silly and fn. >> jimmy: that's great. congratulations. and i'm glad you're alive. i'm glad you're back. kathy griffin is back. season five of "search party" premieres january 7th on hbo max. we'll be back with alan ruck.
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this is your home. this is your family room slash gym. the guest bedroom slash music studio. the daybed slash dog bed. the living room slash yoga shanti slash regional office slash classroom.
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and this is the basement slash panic room. maybe what your family needs is a vacation home slash vacation home. find yours on the vrbo app. ♪ ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: music from inhaler is on the way. you fell in love with our next guest when he "borrowed" his dad's ferrari in "ferris bueller's day off." now, he has his sights set on the white house. watch new episodes of "succession" sunday nights on hbo. please welcome alan ruck. [ applause ]
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♪ ♪ >> jimmy: oh, boy. i love this show. i saw you last night. you had like an arm brace on. >> yeah, i did. >> jimmy: and then i watched the after -- i like to watch you guys talk about what happened. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: you said you actually hd a torn rotator cuff. >> yeah, yeah. i was living in new jersey, we shoot the show in new york, primarily. i was living in new jersey, and it snowed, and like a dumbbell, i tried to shovel some snow. and i felt it pop. i'm an older guy now. it went pop. when i talked to a surgeon in march, he said you should have had this sewn up. >> jimmy: yeah. >> -- at christmas. i said you were all out of town. >> jimmy: it seems like there's a 70% chance you're going to get injured from shoveling snow. left to the neighborhood kid. so they wrote that into the script. >> i called up jessie, i said
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the guy says i have to do it now or i will be messed up the rest of my life. and he said, i'll write it in. >> jimmy: this show is about a wealthy media family. they're all -- i was thinking about this last night, all bad people. there's not one good in the bunch. >> they're wretched. >> jimmy: a couple momentarily seem like they're okay. do the trumps watch this show? do you ever hear from them? >> i've heard that the murdoches do. some of them do. >> jimmy: yeah. >> brian cox ran into somebody at a starbucks and he turned on, i believe it was james. >> jimmy: okay. wow. interesting. >> just smiled. >> jimmy: brian cox plays your dad on the show, and he's fantastic. and your character is thinking about -- not thinking about, but actively running for president. >> running for potus. connor is a little damaged.
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he's got some delusional disorder. >> jimmy: yet stranger things have happened. >> as we all know. a wealthy perp with no leadership ability and no experience. it's america. we can do anything. >> jimmy: this is kind of funny. thinking about the fact thatrun president. and a couple months ago, you volunteered -- i didn't know when the president visits a city -- >> neither did i. i have a friend, hello, jen, she's part of the president's advance team in l.a. because on any trip he might make three or four stops, so it has to be a different team set up for a motorcade in each city. they have like 14 of those cars they call the beast, the limousine. so she said, what are you doing monday? our kids go to school together. i said nothing. she said you want to drive in the presidential motorcade? i said yeah, why? apparently they fly secret
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service and military people to drive the really important people, but then when it comes to members of the press, they rely on people like me. >> jimmy: so when you say drive in the motorcade, not as a passenger, but as a driver in the presidential motorcade. did they give you this van to use? >> yeah, they supplied the automobiles. >> jimmy: and what do the reporters say when alan ruck picks them up? >> well, they didn't know it was for me for a while. and then one guy said, do you know who you sound like? he said that alan ruck, that actor. i said, is he any good. if they say yeah, he's good. then i go on. >> jimmy: have you had an instance where they said no? >> i had somebody once say, meh. then i say it's my brother.
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and he's an ass. >> jimmy: so you're driving this thing, motorcade, and can you go through the lights and stuff like that? >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: that's great. that's got to be fun. >> the motorcycle cops just gave us a lesson sort of before we got going. they said when we're on surface streets, we're going to pass on the left, and when we're on the freeway, we're going to pass on the right. so just stay in line. and nobody stops. >> jimmy: it's like being in a funeral procession. >> people are flying by and blocking off intersections. >> jimmy: that's a lot of fun. it's been 35 years since "ferris bueller's day off." [ applause ] i have a couple questions. because obviously it's a fantastic movie. how much did you make for that movie, do you remember? >> i do. i do. i made $40,000. >> jimmy: $40,000.
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it seems like somebody should have went back and paid you some more for that now. >> you know, it was my first big part in a movie. you know, they're going to find any excuse not to pay you. >> jimmy: he's new, he's new. what do people ask you about when it comes to that movie most frequently? >> they're really worried about the car. did you really send that beautiful car out the window? and everybody can relax and breathe a sigh of relief, they were all kit cars. we couldn't afford a real ferrari. they were just wretched. we did this one scene 16 times because the car would not start. and when we sent -- we had three of them. when we sent that one out the window, the crew cheered. >> jimmy: i assume your children have seen the movie? >> jay. i have big kids now, i have younger kids, and a couple years ago, we did a little benefit for
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my little kid's school. and my daughter, i guess was about eight years old at the time. again, she was very concerned about the car. she wasn't too concerned about camer cameron. she was worried about the car and was afraid ferris was going to get busted. >> jimmy: ferris turned out okay. congratulations on "succession." the cast is so fantastic, you included. it really is a thrill to be on a show like that. >> i've been waiting for this for 30 years. >> jimmy: well, congratulations. >> thank you. >> jimmy: alan ruck, everybody. "succession" is on sunday nights on hbo and available on hbo max. we'll be right back with music from inhaler.
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>> jimmy: i think you're going to like this. their album is called "it won't always be like this." here with the song "cheer up baby," inhaler! [ applause ] ♪ ♪
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♪ when i think of all the things i didn't do oh i can't help ♪ ♪ but blame it on you oh how to cure these february blues ♪ ♪ you know it's not too late she said either way ♪ ♪ all you do cheer up baby you're not on your own oh she said ♪ ♪ all you do oh cheer up baby you're not on your own sinking like a stone ♪
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♪ and i lie in my bed under the covers never ever to be discovered ♪ ♪ oh and you walk into my room to offer me a better view ♪ ♪ like i had no clue ♪ ♪ all you do cheer up baby you're not on your own oh she said ♪ ♪ all you do cheer up baby you're not on your own sinking like a stone ♪
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♪ did you meet someone else are they more than a friend i don't know what you meant are we close to the end ♪ ♪ all you do cheer up baby you're not on your own you're sinking like a stone ♪ ♪ cheer up baby cheer up baby cheer up baby
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cheer up baby ♪ ♪ you're not on your own you're sinking like a stone ♪ financial planning is finding your home away from home. ♪ and, it's designing a plan to help get you there.
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wealth management is planning your path together. and, it's guiding you along the way. start a relationship with citi and earn a cash bonus when you open a new eligible account and complete required activities. >> jimmy: i want to thank kathy griffin, alan ruck, and inhaler. apologies to matt damon. tomorrow night, billy crystal and jay ellis with music from local natives. "nightline" is next. thanks for watching the whole show. i appreciate your ocd. goodnight.
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this is "nightline." tonight, the cause for concern this holiday season. the new covid-19 variant spreading from southern africa, and raising questions here at home. >> you have to get your vaccine. >> we're with one nurse on the frontlines throughout the pandemic. >> i am definitely worried. we know it's coming. >> what you need to know about omicron, the new strain. plus, the life and legacy virgil abloh. how he reimagined the house of howie vuiton. and inspiring drake to say life is good. ♪ ♪ >> "nightline" will be right back.


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