tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC December 3, 2021 11:35pm-12:37am PST
tonight. >> for all of us, we appreciate your time. hope you have a great weekend. right now jimmy kimmel with >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- sandra bullock. bill burr. and music from lizzy mcalpine. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. hi. very nice. thank you. oh, i appreciate that. thanks. hi, i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks for joining us in southern california, where it's hot, number one. and i don't know if you saw this. something pretty crazy happened not too far south of us on interstate 5 friday. an armored truck was full of money, as they often are. somehow the door of the truck
swung open while it was on the highway. and money started flying out everywhere onto the road. [ laughter ] this was in carlsbad. it was a literal money grab. people were pulling over. how the door to an armored truck flies open, i do not know. [ laughter ] the drivers had to be high, right? i mean, come on. [ laughter ] people were celebrating. unfortunately, these two locked their keys in their car and they got handcuffed. police did let them go. but for most of these people, it was the greatest thing ever. unfortunately, because that money belongs to the government, it's a federal crime to take it. all those people who posted videos with the money are wanted by the police. [ laughter ] it's illegal to pick up litter now? how is that? [ laughter ] seems to me, if there's loose cash all over the road that falls under the finders-keepers clause of the constitution, right? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] if you were on 5 and you did take the money, please give it back to the police. [ laughter ] there's a better chance of jfk jr. showing up in dallas than of the police getting that money back. [ laughter ]
by the way, these qanon nuts, more than 100 of them, are still in dallas waiting for john-john to return. that is a bridge, they gathered, today is the 58th anniversary of the jfk assassination. and like linus waiting for the great pumpkin, they are waiting for jfk and/or his son to come back from the dead and take his place alongside trump in the white house. [ laughter ] at this point, it seems like maybe these people are just trying to get out of going home for thanksgiving. [ laughter ] these qanoners, they keep coming up with dates on which these crazy things are supposed to happen, and then the things don't happen, but they just keep blindly believing that some biblical victory is coming. this must be what it's like to root for the clippers. [ laughter ] [ applause ] that's all i can figure. i do want to say -- i want to express belated birthday wishes to joe biden, who on saturday became the first president to turn 79 while in office. to give you perspective on how old that is, bill clinton, you remember him? [ laughter ] the guy who was president almost 30 years ago?
he's 75 now. [ laughter ] biden kicked off his birthday weekend with a colonoscopy. [ laughter ] doctors said there were no traces of malarkey. everything looked good. [ laughter ] or everything looked as good as the inside of an elderly man's butt can look. [ laughter ] white house physician dr. kevin o'connor says joe biden is a healthy and vigorous male. "vigorous." [ laughter ] why does every presidential checkup sound like an ad for cialis? [ laughter ] we need them to run the country, not impregnate our women. all right? [ laughter ] "vigorous" is unnecessary. after his colonoscopy, the president took part in the annual traditional pardoning of the turkeys. he pardoned two turkeys from indiana named peanut butter and jelly. he also pardoned a yam. for no reason. [ laughter ] today was the deadline for all federal employees to get vaccinated, or else. most of them are. 95% of federal employees are now reportedly vaccinated. [ cheers and applause ]
though nationally, under 60% of americans got the shots. which is low, but still, that's hundreds of millions of people who are vaccinated. so all these anti-vaxers who said, i'm going to wait, see how it goes -- it went, okay? [ laughter ] most of us have had the vaccine in us for a year now! it went fine! we're not magnetic. we're not infertile. our testicles aren't the size of casaba melons. [ laughter ] you wanted us to be guinea pigs, congratulations, we were! you did it. we're dumb, you're smart. now go get the shots, all right? [ cheers and applause ] i bet you anything -- i would bet that your hero, donald trump, got his booster shot already. trump made an appearance on fox news last night where he sat for an interview with the interminable mark levin for a wide-ranging conversation about all the many dumb things he did and said as president. >> before covid flew in from the dust, came in from china, which by the way, dr. fauci -- i got along with him quite well, but i usually did the opposite of what he suggested. [ laughter ]
>> jimmy: yeah. and that's why one of you got raced to walter reed hospital and the other was not. [ laughter ] trump, his hair is pure cotton candy now, isn't it? [ laughter ] trump is making the rounds to promote his new book. it's called "our journey together." [ laughter ] was that a journey? felt more like an ordeal than a journey. [ laughter ] "our journey together" is a coffee table book of photographs from trump's time in office. he likes his books the way he likes his restaurant menus, pictures only. [ laughter ] of course, the always obsequious levin laid the praise on very thick, and trump explained that this project for him was a labor of love, not a money thing. >> mr. president, the book is unbelievable. it's beautiful. the pictures are beautiful. >> i love our country. part of the reason i did this book is because it is a beautiful book, and it is beautiful pictures, and it is mostly positive comments inside. i'm not ripping too many leaders of countries. maybe a couple. >> jimmy: oh, that's nice. the book goes for $75. and you can get a signed copy
for another 155 bucks. that's right. for the low, low price of only $230 you can get a copy of the book that looks like trump signed it while driving a golf cart. [ laughter ] the book was published by donald trump jr., his son. djtj claims his dad picked every single photo, and wrote all the captions himself. which is exactly how my son's preschool teacher describes his projects. [ laughter and applause ] basically, trump published an instagram photo dump. featuring all the classic photos from his presidency. trump awkwardly sitting in a chair. trump awkwardly sitting in another chair. trump awkwardly sitting at a tiny desk. to trump awkwardly sitting in a tractor-trailer. to trump making a "who-farted" face next to the queen. [ laughter ] not only was each photo tiny-hand picked by the former president, the captions are tiny hand-written by him as well. there are captions next to the pictures. here you go. "many losers are too scared to look directly into an eclipse. not your favorite president!"
[ laughter and applause ] here's me and whoopi from "the view." here's me hitting the game-winning three-pointer during game seven of the nba finals. bad dogs don't get treats. i can't believe i ate the whole thing. and finally, "nice." [ laughter and applause ] if there's a part two, i hope next time he includes these -- he forgot crazy hair. he forgot toilet paper on the tarmac. he forgot sunday brunch with the missus. and of course, orange you glad to see me? [ laughter ] one of the great presidential photos of all time. donald trump's old pal, mike lindell, is planning to march outside fox news in new york to protest the fact that they won't let him on the air anymore. which is sad. they were so good together. so now, he is relegated to his website, frankspeech.com, where mike is planning what he calls a 96-hour "thanks-a-thon."
the mypillow guy will be spreading holiday cheer, and conspiracy theories, for 96 hours straight starting midnight wednesday night. and while you may be wondering what in the world mike will be talking about for 96 hours straight? it seems that one of the things might be me. >> jimmy, if you're watching this, i'm going to invite you to the thanks-a-thon. pick your time, pick your slot. we're going to let you bump other people, because you've been so, you know, you've let me on your show, and i feel that the -- i should return the favor. >> jimmy: agreed. go on. >> he does so much for me. he's out there, keeping us in the news. and you know, this is big. i was hoping, i was just hoping that jimmy would reach out. he's the only guy, you know, you've got all these news outlets and late-night hosts. he's the only guy that says all these good things. >> i think the reason you get along is you're both givers. >> yep, yep, absolutely, we're just givers. >> jimmy: we are both givers, he's right on that.
and it's called thanksgiving, not thankstaking. unless i'm wrong. [ laughter ] i'm not sure if i should do this or not. on one hand, he's out of his mind. i mean, even the right wing news channels won't let him on anymore. which is kind of an unusual thing. but on the other hand, i'm imagining how funny it will be when i explain to my wife that i have to step away from thanksgiving dinner thursday night to be on the thanks-a-thon with mike lindell. [ laughter ] so let me think about it. i'll get back to you, mike. [ cheers and applause ] you know, according to dr. fauci, if everyone who attends your thanksgiving is vaccinated, you can safely celebrate without wearing a mask. fauci said that if you have a family member who isn't vaccinated, wait until the turkey puts them to sleep then stab them in the neck with some pfizer. [ laughter ] it can be stressful to have your friends and family all together in one room any time of the year. but covid adds an extra layer to that. so, in an effort to release some of that holiday tension, we gave people on the street the chance
to put on a mask and anonymously address those people in their lives who they are not looking forward to seeing in a thanksgiving edition of "hide and speak." ♪ >> so who are you dreading seeing this thanksgiving? >> probably my grandma on my mother's side. >> why is that? >> she's just nuts. she'll walk in on you in the bathroom and ask you, what are you doing? like, what do you think i'm doing, gram? i'm going to the bathroom, man! >> who are you not looking forward to seeing this thanksgiving? >> mostly my dad. i smoke a lot of pot, and he doesn't talk to me at dinner. >> are you high right now? >> yeah, i am. [ laughter ] >> i'm dreading seeing my stepsister. >> what's up with her? >> she always tries to sleep with one of my uncles. it's very embarrassing. >> my uncle tim. >> what's up with uncle tim? >> i'm a vegan. a few thanksgivings ago, he kept putting the dead turkey carcass in front of me. no matter where i moved, he just
kept putting the dead bird in front of me over and over and over again. he's a real bastard. [ laughter ] >> who are you dreading seeing this thanksgiving? >> my uncle. >> how come? >> i kind of [ bleep ]ed his wife. >> [ bleep ]ing his wife or [ bleep ]ing his wife? >> i [ bleep ]ed his wife. >> did it happen to be on thanksgiving? >> yes, i was very thankful. [ laughter ] >> my mother-in-law. she is brutal and mean to my kids. >> if you could tell her anything while you have this mask on, what would you tell her? >> you're a [ bleep ] bitch. be nice to my kids, lady. >> these are your kids over here? >> yes, they are. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: there's no way she'll be able to figure that out, right? thanks, everybody. have a great thanksgiving. we've got a great show for you tonight. bill burr is here. [ cheers and applause ] we have music from lizzy mcalpine. and we'll be back with sandra bullock. [ cheers and applause ] so stick around.
♪ ♪ don't be fooled by the bike. or judge him by his jacket. while ted's eyes are on the road, his heart stays home. he's got gloria, and 10 grand-babies, to prove it. but his back made weekend rides tough, so ted called on the card that's even tougher. and the medicare coverage trusted by more doctors. medicare from blue cross blue shield. by your side, no matter what. that's the benefit of blue. find your local blue cross and blue shield plan at benefitofblue.com don't settle for products that give you a sort-of white smile. try crest whitening emulsions... and blue shield plan ...for 100% whiter teeth. its highly active peroxide droplets... ...swipe on in seconds. better. faster. 100% whiter teeth. shop crestwhitesmile.com. ♪ ♪ you are my fire ♪ ♪ the one desire ♪ ♪ you are, you are, ♪
♪ can i get ten large fries please? i'm gonna need like ten egg mcmuffin sandwich things? night, or the next morning, you've been loyal. mymcdonald's rewards is for you. now, every order earns points redeemable for free mcdonald's. for people who could use a lift new neutrogena® rapid firming. a triple-lift serum with pure collagen. 92% saw visibly firmer skin in just 4 weeks. neutrogena® for people with skin. ♪ best of my love by black pumas feat. sofia reyes ♪ neutrogena® at target, shopping has never been easier — use same day delivery, free order pickup, or free drive up, — and leave with your holidays in the bag. order today, get it today at target. [end music] give your sensitive skin even more. new and improved cetaphil is specially formulated with our dermatologist-backed blend of ingredients to improve your skin's resilience. cetaphil. complete care for your sensitive skin.
whatever stereotype you're gonna try . . . . . . to put on me about having hiv isn't gonna fit. that's for sure. my name is zach and i'm on biktarvy. biktarvy is a complete, one-pill, once-a-day treatment . . . . . . used for hiv in certain adults. it's not a cure but with one small . . . . . . pill, biktarvy fights hiv . . . . . . to help you get to and stay undetectable. that's when the amount of virus is so low it cannot be measured by a lab test. serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. rare, life-threatening side effects include a build-up of lactic acid and liver problems. do not take biktarvy if you take dofetilide or rifampin. tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, if you are pregnant or breastfeeding . . . . . . or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. if you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking biktarvy without talking to your doctor. common side effects were diarrhea, nausea, and headache. if you're living with hiv . . .
. . . keep loving who you are. and ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. >> jimmy: welcome back to the show. tonight, his animated series on netflix is called "f is for family." the exceptionally funny bill burr is with us. [ cheers and applause ] then later, from philadelphia, this is her song, titled "erase me." lizzy mcalpine from the mercedes-benz stage. [ cheers and applause ] you can see lizzy on tour with dodie starting february 7th in chicago. tomorrow night, jon bernthal and "the bachelorette," michelle young, will join us with music from parker mccollum. so please join us for that. our first guest is a very congenial bird boxing oscar winner with a new movie that will grab you by the heart and squeeze it. "the unforgivable" opens in select theaters wednesday and premieres on netflix december 10th. please say hello to sandra
bullock! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: how are you, everything good? >> i missed you. >> jimmy: you look fantastic. >> i look like prince. and i'm okay with that. >> jimmy: you've got a little bit of princeiness to you. how many movies have you done? do you know? >> no idea. >> jimmy: do you count? >> no idea. >> jimmy: i don't either, i did not check. i should have checked. >> when you were going to ask that question, maybe i should check it so i look smart and you chose not to do that. >> jimmy: it just popped into my head. [ laughter ] >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: which one do people mention the most to you? >> i think -- probably "miss congeniality." [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: do you have an idea of why that in particular is the one they mention the most? >> i think because we made it for young girls, and so then
those young girls started doing all those sing-songy things that annoyed the parents. so the parents had a grudge, and they would bring up, "my daughter does it." so the girls grew up and they remembered that. then i had a daughter, and now i understand why the parents got angry. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i see. has your daughter seen it? >> she has. >> jimmy: and she does the thing. do your kids watch your stuff? >> she does. louie does not. i'm not his cup of tea. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he's older, yeah. >> well, he's 11 and he has really good taste. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what does he like? >> he likes japanese anime. he's obsessed with spider-man. >> jimmy: yeah, my son too, all spider-man. >> the fan, the whole youtube fan faves, like what's going on, what are the conspiracies, what are the -- it's off the chain, it's ridiculous. >> jimmy: do you know there's a big rumor that you were going to be in the third spider-man movie? >> you know what? if that were a rumor that my son had heard, do you know how much i would get him to do in the house?
[ laughter ] i would be so successful in my requests. >> jimmy: like three santas combined. >> if i was a -- who did they say i was going to be? like his grandmother or something? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, no. there's madame web is the name. madame web was the character, not a main character. madame web was paralyzed in some way, and had psychic powers. >> this is amazing. >> jimmy: and would advise spider-man on his future. >> why was i not hired for this? [ laughter ] i'm just -- what happened to the talks? >> jimmy: the reason we decided to go in a different direction -- [ laughter ] >> yeah, i'd like to know. i think i would be amazing with the psychic-ness of things. >> jimmy: now i'm thinking you're being coy and you are in the spider-man movie. >> i am not! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: because you come up with this backstory about your son -- >> how about we just perpetuate that. you get it on youtube. my son louie will see it. and then the look in his eye will shift. mommy, do you need any help?
can you pick up your clothes? yes, i can, mom. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wouldn't that be offset by the disappointment when he sees the movie -- >> i can say i was cut out, take it up with marvel. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: has marvel approached you about being in one of their movies? >> i don't think i'm marvel material. >> jimmy: i disagree, i can't imagine that's true. that's a no or a yes? >> i've never been approached by marvel. >> jimmy: never? >> you're making me feel like i have and i'm not saying anything. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i never know, because every single time people come out and lie to me and i find out oh, yeah, you're this hero or whatever. >> i understand why people lie to you. [ laughter ] but i've never been approached, ever. ever. [ applause ] >> jimmy: never been approached? >> never been approached. ever. no, i've never, ever been approached for any -- not true. i was approached for something that wasn't marvel, but my son said not to do it. >> jimmy: oh, he did. was it a d.c. universe?
>> no. >> jimmy: it was something else? >> it was kind of not in the place that louie felt i should be. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and that's smart. you reach a point -- >> he was right. i saw it when it came out and i went, oh, that's unfortunate. >> jimmy: it came out and everything? >> it came out and everything. again, he was like, 6 when he asked me not to do it. [ laughter ] and i said okay. >> jimmy: so we know it was the last four or five years or so. >> i forget their ages often, so it could have been four, it could have been seven, eight -- >> jimmy: the internet will figure it out. >> the internets will. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you know, jennifer coolidge -- did you watch "white lotus"? >> i did. >> jimmy: she's so great. she's coming on in a few weeks. i'm kind of interested in the story, because she says you guys worked together in a restaurant in new york. >> we did. cannastelle's in new york. 19th and park. i started in the coat check world during the winter holidays, and it's where you take a lot of fur coats, you get a lot of tips. i then was moved to hostessing,
which i failed at, because i didn't know the hierarchy of the names, who to seat, who not to seat, who to wait in the cocktail lounge, make them wait a couple of hours, then you seat them when all the special people are gone. then they moved me to the cocktail area, where i killed it. i was amazing. >> jimmy: were you a bartender? >> no, they wouldn't let me behind the bar. [ laughter ] but they let me serve people alcohol in the cocktail area, because i was -- i think i was very good at it. >> jimmy: wow. how much would you make in a night, do you remember? >> i never made more than -- oh, my gosh. i just remembered this story. i made like $500 a night one night because peter gabriel's drummer we were told was come in to celebrate his birthday. long story short, it wasn't his drummer. nor was it his credit card. but i got a nice tip. so the owner wanted me to give my tip back. i was like, i live hand-to-mouth. i'm not giving my tip back. so i quit. [ cheers and applause ]
>> jimmy: so a guy stole a credit card and tipped like crazy. >> yes, yes. peter gabriel's drummer. >> jimmy: what about jennifer, do you remember? >> i think we passed like ships in the night. i think she might have come on to the hostessing stand and done a really good job as i was walking out and quitting on the principle of the stolen credit card. they were going to take it from a waitress who was living hand to mouth. >> jimmy: we're going to take a break. when we come back, we'll see a clip from your movie. and a couple of other things we want to go through, now that we know you're not in a marvel movie, i think. >> i'm not. >> jimmy: sandra bullock is here. the movie is "the unforgivable." we'll be right back. >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by impossible foods. take a bite, save the planet. impossiblefoods.com. someday you'll catch the perfect wave. with an average of $550 worth of benefits to enjoy during your stay at fine hotels & resorts properties,
"someday" can be any day you want. one of the many reasons you're with amex platinum. how did panera come up with the idea to combine their famous mac and cheese with their iconic grilled cheese? by saying yes. yes to new inventions! yes to clean and fresh ingredients! and yes to living life to the flavor-fullest. panera. live your yes. now $1 delivery. (vo) subaru and our retailers believe in giving back. that's why, in difficult times, we provided one hundred and fifty million meals to feeding america. and now through the subaru share the love event, we're helping even more. by the end of this year, subaru will have donated over two hundred and twenty five million dollars to charity. this is what it means to be more than a car company. this is what it means to be subaru.
>> blood doesn't make you family, keep that thought out of your head. there's a reason why your sister hasn't contacted you. you're a convict. all she knows of you is as a killer. she's probably scared of you. let that girl live her life. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that is sandra bullock in "the unforgivable." this is one of those movies that your heart is hurting through the whole thing, because it's about this woman who -- i tell you like you don't know. [ laughter ] i's about this woman played by sandra -- >> who is not in a marvel movie. >> jimmy: not in a marvel movie in prison 20 years for murdering a police officer. and i'm not sure what more i can say without ruining it. >> well, i'm obsessed sort of, i like "dateline." all the murder shows. >> jimmy: you do? >> yes. but they have to be caught. it can't be a cold case that's unsolved. i have to know the husband or wife did it, because it's always -- right? the person you're going to kill is going to be your spouse, duh.
[ laughter ] but i love a great sort of thrill where you try to put the puzzle pieces together. why would she do something like this and be unapologetic for it? and then when you see what happened through her eyes, and you see this woman who doesn't seem to want to apologize or doesn't need forgiveness, just keeps sabotaging herself all the time. and you see why. you understand how millions upon millions of americans live every single day who don't have the benefits of funding or help or support or finances and just are born into the system of poverty, you know? >> jimmy: and coming out of prison and getting a job -- >> is nearly impossible. >> jimmy: very difficult to start with. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and your character gets a job as a carpenter. and also in a fish processing plant. >> yes, salmon. >> jimmy: salmon processing. you've got these sharp knives and you are gutting these salmon. >> yeah, i went after it. it felt good. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: did it feel good? >> oh, yeah.
i watched enough of the "dateline" that i know how to sever the heads and get through the spine with just an extra little bit of effort. but it's the momentum of the first cut that's very important. [ laughter ] so the second is sort of a follow-up and you just crack right through that spine. >> jimmy: i did notice that you go at it your first time and they're teaching you what to do. you chopped almost the whole head off the first shot. >> yeah, that was the point. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and i said to my wife, we're watching. i go, "that doesn't look so bad." >> i wanted it to be quick and painless. you don't want someone or something like a fish to suffer. >> jimmy: but the fish were dead already. >> yeah, but i was trying to telegraph that she did what she did and she had no problem with it. >> jimmy: i see. >> the fish was another way to go, "see?" >> jimmy: oh, that's something that i missed. >> "see?" >> jimmy: now i totally get it and they would get it as well. >> we hope. >> jimmy: are you cooking for thanksgiving? >> i am not. >> jimmy: you do not cook? >> i am not going to cook anything this thanksgiving at
all. i'm going to sit and let other people do it. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i have a little something for us. [ applause ] i thought you might be interested. do you like candy corn? >> i love candy corn, but that's not the flavor i'm familiar with. >> jimmy: brach's turkey dinner candy corn. [ audience moaning ] this has a bunch of different flavors. green beans, roasted turkey, cranberry sauce, ginger glazed carrot, sweet potato pie and stuffing. >> i want to try stuffing. >> jimmy: all right, stuffing, let's see. which one is the stuffing? some of them look like teeth that have been pulled out of a -- >> the green is obviously the green beans. the stuffing -- go ahead. that's an unfortunate yellow. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. this is the stuffing. >> it's like that aftertaste that comes through your nose. [ laughter ] are you kind of getting that? >> jimmy: it tastes like -- >> what is that spice? >> jimmy: it tastes like the car that picks you up when you visit mexico.
[ laughter ] >> i've not tasted that car. that has an interesting kind of -- >> jimmy: green beans. that's a healthy treat. >> can you imagine handing this to your kids? "eat your greens." >> jimmy: i'm going to give to it them when i get home. >> you let it linger long enough. >> jimmy: it's better than the stuffing. [ laughter ] it's not great. >> it comes back in through the nose again. >> jimmy: here's one, cranberry. >> let's see. >> jimmy: uh-huh. uh-huh. mmm. >> that's kind of -- >> jimmy: tastes nothing like cranberry. >> but it's good. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: tastes like bubble gum. >> a bit. >> jimmy: and maybe we shouldn't be swallowing it. >> but we just did. >> jimmy: we just did. finally, turkey. there's some turkey. >> look at this color. can you guys see that? it's like, you know, when billy was a baby or jane and they had their first -- >> jimmy: you're not going to
like this one. [ laughter ] oh, but the turkey just hit at the end. >> my turkey hit at the beginning. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it does have a little bit of turkeyness to it. >> oh, my god, that is so bad. >> jimmy: you can take these home to the kids. >> yeah. >> jimmy: one other thing i want to mention if you don't mind -- >> can i just -- >> jimmy: you may not, it will ruin the flavor of the snacks. bill burr, our guest who will be out here in just a moment. [ applause ] one of the funniest guys there is. you did a movie with him. >> i did "the heat" with bill. >> jimmy: and after you did that movie, his wife posted this. >> it happened during the movie. >> jimmy: on her instagram. during the movie -- oh, you guys saw this. love-bitten sandra laughing again thanks to hunky costar. [ laughter ] look at who the hunky costar is, bill. >> bill burr. >> jimmy: constantly joking and cutting up. >> they're constantly joking and cutting up together. who says cutting up?
>> jimmy: the guys, whoever writes "the enquirer," i guess. >> look at me, ha ha! >> jimmy: you can see you're absolutely -- >> just smitten. >> jimmy: do you think of bill as hunky? >> right there, heck yeah. look at that. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i want to put a little wind in his sails when he came out here. all right. [ laughter ] it's great to see you. >> nice to see you. >> jimmy: happy thanksgiving, thanks for being here. the movie is called "the unforgivable." it opens wednesday and premieres on netflix december 10. sandra bullock, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] be back with bill burr! hop, and we're the antonellis! do good. eat good. that's our mission. we chose our new spark cash plus card from capital one, because it gives us unlimited two percent cash back on everything we buy. and it has no preset spending limit, so our purchasing power adapts to our business needs. we use our two percent cash back to help cover our employees' healthcare costs. that's how we take care of our most valuable asset... ...our people. it may sound cheesy, but we like it that way!
all day without heavy perfumes? ♪ try new downy light in-wash scent beads. it has long-lasting light scent, no heavy perfumes, and no dyes. finally, a light scent that lasts all day. new downy light! ♪ best of my love by black pumas feat. sofia reyes ♪ at target, shopping has never been easier — use same day delivery, free order pickup, or free drive up, — and leave with your holidays in the bag. order today, get it today at target. [end music] people everywhere living with type 2 diabetes are waking up to what's possible... ...with rybelsus®. (♪ ♪) rybelsus® works differently than any other diabetes pill to lower blood sugar... in all 3 of these ways... increases insulin when you need it... decreases sugar... and slows food.
the majority of people taking rybelsus® lowered their blood sugar and reached an a1c of less than 7. people taking rybelsus® lost up to 8 pounds. rybelsus® isn't for people with type 1 diabetes. don't take rybelsus® if you or your family ever had medullary thyroid cancer, or have multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type 2, or if allergic to it. stop rybelsus® and get medical help right away if you get a lump or swelling in your neck, severe stomach pain, or an allergic reaction. serious side effects may include pancreatitis. tell your provider about vision problems or changes. taking rybelsus® with a sulfonylurea or insulin increases low blood sugar risk. side effects like nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea may lead to dehydration which may worsen kidney problems. wake up to what's possible with rybelsus®. (♪ ♪) you may pay as little as $10 per prescription.
ask your healthcare provider about rybelsus® today. welcome to allstate. where you can pay a little less and enjoy the ride a little more. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ now, get new lower auto rates with allstate. because better protection costs a whole lot less. you're in good hands with allstate. click or call for a lower auto rate today.
mrs. claus the shopping boss here to help you merry savers decorate with the best bargains ever! ross has savings on everything you need to get the party started. because who waits for shipping anymore? or guests?! i love saying yes to more merry for less at ross! mrs. claus the shopping boss here to help you merry savers find the best bargains ever! when you have the world's longest list you go to ross so you can work that budget and get those savings.
i love saying yes to more merry for less at ross. >> jimmy: music from lizzy mcalpine is on the way. our next guest is one of the all-time standup greats, with an excellent podcast and a very funny animated show on top of that. a new season of "f is for family" premieres on netflix thursday. please welcome bill burr. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hunky co-star. >> i believed that story. i thought it was real. [ laughter ] it's like, i'm on my way, i'm going to be on the cover of "poem" magazine. sexiest bald orange man from the east coast. [ laughter ]
>> jimmy: "pals fear sandra could be falling for bill burr." why do you think they feared you? >> that's not true, it's "the enquirer," everybody got a big laugh. >> jimmy: i think it's nice to be included in that context. in any situation really, right? >> people just making up [ bleep ] about you? no. [ laughter ] no, i'm not into that. i like to be left alone. and if you're going to talk [ bleep ] about me, you know -- >> jimmy: i feel like i would -- even "the enquirer" people go, no, no one's going to believe this if it's me, you know what i'm saying? >> what are you talking about? look at you. you got a suit on, you look kind of smart. >> jimmy: that's true. [ cheers and applause ] you should see what happens when it comes off. >> i'd believe you. >> jimmy: thank you, bill. it wasn't the last time, but at the beginning of the pandemic, i drove to your house to interview you, and i had a camera, i had my iphone in my car and you were standing in front of your garage. and you were -- >> i still don't understand why you wouldn't get out of the car. [ laughter ] he just pulled up, like i don't know what i was, like you were afraid of me, you were yelling
these questions at me outside. i was thinking, that's no way this is going to play. no way this is going to look good on tv. but it did. >> jimmy: somehow, magically, you pulled it off. >> yes. >> jimmy: i gave you a roll of toilet paper at that time, and you wouldn't even touch it with your hands. you kicked it down the block. >> they didn't know yet whether it could transfer that way. >> jimmy: now here you are, back on the road, in las vegas, probably the dirtiest place in the whole world. [ laughter ] >> the key with vegas is you get up early. get up early, you can walk the strip in ten minutes because all the degenerates are face-down from whatever they did the night before. [ laughter ] shaking it off, trying to jump from a balcony. and you can just cruise right down. i was there with my wife. we did the gondolas at the venice. >> jimmy: you did? >> yeah, walked by the eiffel tower, it's like white trash europe. [ laughter and applause ] get it all out of the way. hey, you want to see the pyramid? yeah, let's check it out! i don't need to go to egypt, it's a pyramid.
the one in egypt got a big light going up to the big space shuttle? i don't think they do. we got whores in our pyramid. [ laughter ] a bunch of dead guys? i don't want to go over there for that. >> jimmy: ever stayed in one of those rooms at the luxor? >> i never worked the luxor. >> jimmy: the pyramid -- in the room you're leaning backwards. the rooms are slanted. >> yeah. my first apartment was like that. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: is that right? >> yeah, i lived on the top of an old house. they converted an attic. so when you would walk in, when you walked in, you had to walk right down the middle of the roof. [ laughter ] and then it expanded to the bigger area, the living room area. yeah, i lived there with my brother. we had a little tv. i remember sneaking, because he used to -- wouldn't let me watch his tv. said i was taking time off of the tube. [ laughter ] so i was watching the pistons versus the lakers in '88. i heard his car pulling in, and i shut it off. he came upstairs and put his
hand on the back of the tv, you've been watching my tv! [ laughter ] we didn't have money, you know? so it was a lot of fights over nothing. >> jimmy: you're going on tour at the beginning of next year? is that the plan? >> i've been on the road the last seven out of eight weeks. you know, people out there are fine. people are nice. 85% of the people are totally cool. it's like extreme left, extreme right have completely lost their minds. everybody else is just sitting there. >> jimmy: you're absolutely right. >> yeah, just trying not to get in trouble, like when are mom and dad going to stop yelling at each other about gender-neutral bathrooms that you can hang an ar-15 in? [ laughter ] whatever it is they're flipping out about. [ applause ] i think everybody else would just like, you know -- good lord, what is that? >> jimmy: this is your action figure from "the mandalorian." [ cheers and applause ] >> pretty damn cool, i kind of look a little russian. i should have been boris or something. >> jimmy: you do look russian.
you're almost doing duck lips. [ laughter ] >> sandra bullock would have dated that guy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, yeah, no question about it. [ applause ] >> i'm doing the thing that used to get your friends on myspace. way back in the day. >> jimmy: are you a "star wars" guy? >> i'm a sports guy. >> jimmy: that's what i thought. >> interesting to go in that world, because those fans are just as rabid as sports fans are, but their vibe is totally different. "star wars" fans are like, i really liked you in that episode. they're all respectful. but i know it's a sports fan because i'll be walking down the street with my wife, "hey, billy, the pats suck!" thank you for listening to the podcast! the "star wars" people can get a little creepy. they seem like they would be in your bushes, possibly. [ laughter ] where a sports fan would just be urinating in your bushes, i think they would be in it trying to -- i don't know.
he held the baby yoda! [ laughter ] i need to see what his living room looks like! >> jimmy: this is your fifth season -- "f is for family" is not for children, first of all, important to say that, even though it is animated. >> yes, no, it is not for children. >> jimmy: i was watching the first episode and you say the "f" word to a child in the episode. >> yes, it's a character loosely based on my dad. [ laughter ] although i've been known to do it too. he's really -- a lot of frank is me, frank murphy. >> jimmy: is it you or are you basing that on your dad, your friends' dads, people that you know? because he seems to be a very angry guy. >> yes. he is. he's sort of an amalgam of everybody's dad in the room. when we first put the show together -- the show takes place in the '70s. so we would ask people, potential writers, to tell stories about their childhood. and if they were just like,
yeah, i would walk down the hall and my brother punched me in the shoulder for no reason and throw me down the stairs. we'd be like, all right, send us a script, we'll see what that looks like. if they're like, oh, it was great, my mom always cooked, things were fantastic. we were like, all right, nice talking to you. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: so you look for strife. >> i wanted to recreate the '70s that i remember, which i kind of hate how the '70s are viewed. >> jimmy: what do you mean? >> it all became saturday night fever, lava lamps, and a pacer. they make it seem like when the pacer came out that we thought that was a good-looking car. i remember the day the pacer came out, me and my mother laughing going, what in god's name is that? the ugliest car i've ever seen. i remember the '70s, surfer coast '70s, a lot of rust belt stuff, a lot of rundown cars, people from the '70s still driving cars from the '60s. so it was really important with the look of the show to have it look like that and not be big collars and lava lamps and people going, groovy, man.
[ laughter ] that's not what it was. >> jimmy: right, yeah, yeah. i think of like -- i don't know why, but i think of macrame and holly hobby when i think of the '70s. you know what that is? >> i remember holly hobby, that was a girl's toy, right? >> jimmy: yeah, a girl's toy. what, you didn't play with one? [ laughter ] >> i grew up with all brothers. i'm trying to remember what it was. >> jimmy: my sister had a holly hobby. holly hobby doll. >> sure she did. [ laughter ] that was my sister's! i only had it because i was hiding it from her! i wasn't really doing anything! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: do you remember "free to be you and me" that album from the '70s? >> no. >> jimmy: it's a shame the show is over, i could have given you all sorts of stuff. that's a marla thomas album. >> you've known me throughout the show, you could have called me. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i just assumed, yeah, i don't know the "free to be you and me" album and hang up on me.
>> i hate that i come off like that. i wouldn't have. i would have been thrilled that you called. >> jimmy: when i have musings, i will call you from now on. >> i send you stuff. >> jimmy: you did send me stuff. you did send me something crazy. you sent me something totally inappropriate for television. [ laughter ] >> revive the dave letterman thing. >> top ten things rittenhaus' mother is going to drive him to next." [ moans and laughter ] but i don't think i have to,i she she only drove him to the police station afterwards. no disrespect. it just struck me as a funny thing. topical joke. >> jimmy: don't disrespect that woman, she seems lovely. [ laughter ] great to see you. you're very funny. the show is called "f is for family." this is the fifth and final season. >> final season, november 25th. watch it this weekend. >> jimmy: thanksgiving night? >> yes, yes, sir. >> jimmy: a wonderful way to wrap up the meal. [ laughter ] bill burr, everybody. we'll be right back with lizzy mcalpine.
♪ can i get ten large fries please? i'm gonna need like ten egg mcmuffin sandwich things? night, or the next morning, you've been loyal. mymcdonald's rewards is for you. now, every order earns points redeemable for free mcdonald's. 1, 2, 3...yay! ♪ “i got you babe” by etta james ♪ ♪ wait hold up! here it comes! alright, everybody stand up straight. okay now let me flip it. ♪
♪ ♪ ♪ when you really need to sleep you reach for the really good stuff. ♪ new zzzquil ultra helps you sleep better and longer when you need it most. it's non habit forming and powered by the makers of nyquil. new zzzquil ultra. when you really really need to sleep. so i called back? same state farm agent. texted the next day? same guy. is that even legal? and get this - he remembered my name. of course. hey, blink twice if you're in danger. whoa, guys. at state farm, we actually get to know you. it's called service. come on! like a good neighbor, state farm is there.
♪ i'm a reporter for the new york times. if you just hold it like this. yeah. ♪ i love finding out things that other people don't want me to know. mm-hmm. [beep] i just wanted to say... ♪ find yourself in these situations and see who you are. and that's just part of the bargain. ♪ is sensitive skin keeping you from your radiance goals? try new cetaphil healthy radiance. our science-powered gentlebright complex... diminishes the appearance of dark spots and enhances glow in just one week. cetaphil. complete radiance for sensitive skin. with clean, fresh ingredients, panera's new chicken sausage and pepperoni flatbread is a mouthwatering explosion of yes. craft? yes! heartiness? yes! living life to the flavor-fullest? heck yes. panera. live your yes. now $1 delivery.
two loads of snot covered laundry. only one will be sanitized. wait, what? adding lysol laundry sanitizer kills 99.9% of bacteria detergent alone, can't. pringles original, barbecue, pizza. the barbecue pizza stack. (cheers) where is everyone? pringles, endless flavors to stack. feel stuck with your finances? move your money to sofi and feel what it's like to get your money right. ♪ ♪ ♪ move your money to sofi. download the app and get your money right.
live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: and now, making her late night television debut with the song "erase me," lizzy mcalpine! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ why am i awake nails on the floor and soot on my tongue i don't know ♪ ♪ his name but i still taste the rum nothing there but skin ♪ ♪ skeletons crawl on the ceiling they know that him and his aftershave hit ♪ ♪ like a drug, drug, hm ♪
♪ don't answer me i'm calling just to hear you scream ♪ ♪ and you're fading but he feels like you in between ♪ ♪ i've said too much in and out of wanting us ♪ ♪ now you're fading and i wonder who will erase me ♪ ♪ who will erase me ♪ ♪ ♪ race you to the end my innocence waits like it desperately knows that ♪ ♪ i'll crash if i don't let you
go don't answer me ♪ ♪ i'm calling just to hear you scream and you're fading but he feels like ♪ ♪ you in between i've said too much in and out of wanting ♪ ♪ us now you're fading and i wonder who will erase me ♪ ♪ erase me erase me and i wonder who ♪ ♪ will erase me don't answer me i'm calling just to hear ♪ ♪ you scream and you're fading but he feels like you in between ♪ ♪ i've said too much in and out of wanting us ♪
♪ now you're fading and i wonder who will erase me ♪ ♪ don't answer me i'm calling just to hear you scream ♪ ♪ and you're fading but he feels like you in between ♪ ♪ i said too much in and out of wanting us ♪ ♪ now you're fading and i wonder who will erase me ♪ ♪ oh who will erase me ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing.
♪ ♪ tequila herradura. extraordinary awaits. >> jimmy: i want to thank sandra bullock, bill burr, and lizzy mcalpine. apologies to matt damon. ran out of time for him. tomorrow night, jon bernthal and bachelorette michelle will be with us, with music from parker mccollum. "nightline" is next. please don't show up empty handed. thanks for watching, goodnight.
this is "nightline." >> tonight, the alleged michigan school shooter's parents charged and failing to turn themselves in. the u.s. marshals offering a $10,000 reward for information leading to the capture of james and jennifer crumbly. plus elizabeth holmes' shocking testimony. the one-time wunderkind facing 11 fraud counts taking the stand in her own defense. >> this was her time to tell her side of the story. >> alleging abuse at the hands of her former partner and a sexual assault in college. "west side story." ♪ steven spielberg's modern take on the tragic love story, the young and diverse cast led by a newcomer in a starring role and