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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  April 7, 2022 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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now for jimmy kimmel. jason. siegel is on see the market. >> lou: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- jason segel, diane kruger, and music from bonnie raitt. with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. thank you very much. thank you. that's very nice. hi, everybody, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thanks for watching at home, and thank you for coming. that's very nice. what a day, i have to tell you, what a night and what a day. i have the weirdest life, i really do. once again, i find myself in the
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middle of a brouhaha. as i appear to have run afoul of probably the worst woman in american politics. marjorie taylor greene, the congress "person" from the 14th district of georgia is unhappy. she's specifically unhappy with me. she's had a tough couple of days. on the show tuesday night, mtg klan mom as we call her -- [ laughter ] earlier in the day called three of her fellow republicans "pro-pedophile" for supporting judge ketanji brown jackson's nomination to the supreme court. which is lovely, a lovely thing to say. so i made a joke, i said "where is will smith when you need him?" [ laughter ] and the audience laughed. [ cheers and applause ] and she saw it. and she decided she was going to get some political mileage out of this. this is what she does instead of working. she tweets. after she saw it, she tweeted:
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"@abc, context, my employer, this threat of violence against me by @jimmykimmel has been filed with the @capitolpolice." she called the police. [ laughter ] not only did she call the police, she called the same police, she voted against giving a congressional gold medal to for defending our capitol against the insurrection she helped incite on january 6. that's who she called. the people she wanted to defund. it's amazing how quickly you can go from "these liberals, you can't say anything anymore"- to "what did you say? i'm calling the cops!" [ laughter ] must be that cancel culture they're always talking about. [ laughter ] so i, after, processing the fact that someone called the police on me, believe it or not, that has never happened to me in my life. [ laughter ] i quoted back. "officer? i'd like to report a joke." [ cheers and applause ] a lot of people liked it. which triggered her, i guess. the sweet little snowflake, because she tweeted again this afternoon. "you weren't joking. you hide your misogyny and your racism behind your "jokes" on @abc. this was a dog whistle to the violent left to assault me or
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worse, and your, misspelled "your," of course, already inspiring fantasies of violence against me. how many new death threats will i get that are your fans?" that's nice, she thinks i have fans, that's good. [ cheers ] now, listen. not only don't i condone death or any kind of threats against anyone, especially since i get dozens of them a week myself, from the sickos who align with you. i also find it very rich. that a person who did this in her campaign ad is suddenly whining about fantasies of violence. [ laughter ] how does that even compute? this woman, remember, she is the one who endorsed fringe conspiracy theories and repeatedly indicated support for executing prominent democratic politicians. now she's dialing 911 because she got made fun of. she's a snowflake and a sociopath at the same time. a snowciopath. [ cheers and applause ] and nobody does anything. i feel like maybe other republicans like having her around to make the rest of them seem normal. and by the way, if she's gonna report me to the police, if
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that's how she wants to play it, i'll report you right back. i won't go to the police, i'll go to the justice league, okay? [ laughter ] bring me my writing desk, will you? guillermo, thank you. bring me my writing chair. i'd love to have some writing music while i do this. ♪ i'm writing a letter, i'm going right to the top. "dear batman." [ laughter ] "how's it hanging? knowing you, probably upgrade down, ha ha!" [ laughter ] "i'm writing about a woman who might be a super villain. like the riddler, she believes the world is full of coded messages. like the joker, she thinks she's funny. [ laughter ] "and like the penguin, she is 5'3." [ laughter ] "please check her out.
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love to robin, love, jimmy." all we had was a birthday card. i'm going to go ahead and seal this up. you know who this bring this to? >> guillermo: yes. >> jimmy: get this to gotham city at once and don't hesitate! >> guillermo: all right. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: leave it to the caped crusader to ham. in the meantime, i'll keep my jewish space laser set to "gazpacho." [ laughter ] and by the way, it wasn't just marjorie who was all fired up, i got mean tweets from diamond and silk! which hurts, because i'm a big fan. and even the venmo lester florida congressman matt gaetz weighed in. he wrote: "note to @jimmykimmel: not only would marjorie taylor greene's husband make quick work of you, but @repmtg herself would make quick work of you! kimmel would not last too long if he were interested in engaging in unprovoked, terrible violence against this congresswoman." okay. what are you suggesting, another threesome? i don't know. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]
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this imbecile. i wrote back: "note to @repmattgaetz, stay indoors. it's girl scout cookie season." [ cheers and applause ] believe it or not, all that is maybe only the second-dumbest hollywood versus washington feud of the day. senator ted cruz of texas went after mr. t last night. mr. t. tweeted: "i just received my 2nd moderna booster vaccine, and i feel good! i am still going to wear my mask and keep my distance because the virus ain't over, fool! grrr." and i want you to know, it took every ounce of strength in my body to not do a mr t impression while i read that. [ laughter ] he made no mention of anyone. just said he would keep wearing a mask. senator ted cruz replied: that was not written to him. "bizarre. 535 members of congress can attend the state of the union without wearing masks, but it's still not good enough for hollywood." and again, i have to ask,
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where's will smith when you need him? [ cheers and applause ] mr. t, by the way, is about to turn 70, and is a cancer survivor. he had a rare form of lymphoma. ted cruz attacks him for putting a mask on his face. hypocrisy is to ted cruz what scientology is to tom cruise. a way of life. [ laughter ] i think ted's just jealous because mr. t. has the haircut he's been trying to get. [ laughter ] maybe he's jealous because mr. t's beard doesn't look like he rubbed a jellyfish on the floor of a barbershop? i don't know. [ laughter ] today, in case you didn't know, in 1950 by the world health she- organization, the w.h.o. this year's theme is "our planet, our health," which is better than last year's theme, which was "who cares? " [ laughter ] some people took it the wrong way. nancy pelosi celebrated world p. which explains why tucker carlson has had an erection for
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11 hours day. [ laughter ] pelosi tested positive two days after she made out with the president at the white house. [ laughter ] the white house isn't worried, they claim she's not considered a "close contact." if that's not a close contact, what are they waiting for? full penetration? that's a close contact. [ applause ] anyway. the good news out of the senate today was this. >> on this vote, the yeas are 53, the nays are 47. this nomination is confirmed. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: judge ketanji brown jackson is the first black woman on the supreme court. she got yes votes from all senate democrats and three pro-pedophile republicans. [ laughter ] today was also an exciting day for sports fans. baseball is back. the dodgers opened in colorado. tomorrow, actually, they open? >> guillermo: tomorrow, yes. >> jimmy: are you excited? >> guillermo: very excited, i love baseball. >> jimmy: guillermo loves baseball, i love baseball.
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i haven't had a good seventh-inning stretch in months. [ laughter ] this is interesting, cracker jack? the thing you buy you some of with peanuts in the song, even though it already has peanuts. cracker jack this week unveiled a special edition to celebrate women in sports. they changed the cracker jack logo from jack to jill. "cracker jill." with five different representations of women in stupid-looking sailor outfits on the back. [ laughter ] is this really a tribute to women? does this mean we're going to get a jill the ripper too? [ laughter ] and while spring training may be over, there is still plenty of excitement in the sunshine state. that's right, it's time for another edition of "this week in florida." [ cheers and applause ] >> drop the knife. >> drop the knife, drop the knife, drop it. >> drop the knife now! [ applause ] >> jimmy: you know, she should have dropped the knife. cleanup on aisle 4! [ laughter ]
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[ beeping ] oh, what's that? oh, we're getting a -- >> we got your letter. >> we'll take care of it. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow, thanks! [ rim shot ] oh my god! by the way, i want to say, all these crazy people, all these low-i qvids in congress right now, there's one guy who's responsible for that, that's donald trump. i have to say, i want to thank sean hannity. now that trump is out of office, you'd think he'd be going hard at biden but the truth is he's been sending signals, sending very cleverly coded messages. narrating what he sees, clearly, maybe more clearly than anyone the brazen and unchecked hypocrisy we are being bombarded with every day. he's been saying things that seem to be about biden but quite
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plainly are about someone else. >> first evidence tonight that we, you, the american people, all of us, we were all lied to. >> frankly, we did win this election. >> we were lied to by joe biden. >> you know, we won georgia, just so you understand. >> declaring that he could beat the virus as president. told that lie a lot. >> we're going to beat this coronavirus, or whatever you want to call it, we're going to beat it soundly. >> and biden's lies are so bad, even "the washington post" is calling him out nor his lies. "the washington post" report out today, 1,100 lies and mistruths in october alone. >> almost everything he says is poorly read from a teleprompter. >> they sacrifice every day for the furniture -- a yet st to o anamous -- anamous -- ombomna -- >> what kind of president needs
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a notecard to answer a basic and predictionable question? >> in his hands, on a white house piece of nationry, five handwritten bullet points. number 5 clearly reads "i hear you." >> not particularly a smart or bright guy. don't expect joe biden to ever right the ship or take responsibility. >> no, i don't take responsibility at all. >> joe is humiliating our entire country on the world stage. >> we do have a very special relationship. in fact, i'll get that piece of dandruff off. >> just when you thought biden couldn't get any worse, he did. >> very fine people, on both sides. >> and any more divorced from reality. >> if you have a wind mile, they say the noise causes cancer. >> as joe biden completely mismanages covid-19. avacce, it's going toaway. ane' see it again. >> where are the tests, joe? >> i said to my people, slow the
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testing down, please. >> no doubt vladimir putin is shaking in his boots. >> i have president putin, he just said it's not russia. i will say this, i don't see any reason why it would be. >> jen psaki clarifying biden's remarks. >> i realize that there is a need for some clarification. >> oh, he really meant to say this. >> i said the word "would" instead of "wouldn't." the sentence should have been, "i don't see any reason why i wouldn't." or "why it wouldn't be russia." >> and he dragged his feet on resupplying ukraine's army. >> the president broke the law, overriding capitol hill by freezing that military aid to ukraine. >> or is joe going to do what he usually does, bypascoe equal branches of government and do whatever the hell he wants? >> i have in article 2, i have the right to do whatever i want. >> frankly, joe is not allowed to get behind the wheel of a
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tractor-trailer. we have a mumbling, bumbling, buffoon as president. >> bing bing, bong bong, bing bing. >> not one but two fox news reporters called stupid. >> you ask a lot of stupid questions. what a stupid question that is. stupid question. >> sippy cup joe. i like to call him sippy cup. joe biden is probably not trying to be rude but one of the adultest, least-capable presidents we've ever had. >> that was the original chart. >> not too busy to spend nearly every weekend in delaware at your beach house. >> this visit marked the 358th the president has made to one of his properties and the 266th trip to one of his golf clubs since taking office. >> now he's mocking american that is have a different point of view than him. >> pocahontas, you remember pocahontas? crazy bernie, a crazy man. uh, i don't remember! >> of course, his awkward touching, hugging, gross to me.
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>> kissing them, it's like a magnet. i don't even -- grab them by the [ bleep ]. >> joe got caught red-handed. >> fellows, i need 11,000 votes, give me a break. >> i don't think it gets any weaker or more pathetic or embarrassing than that. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we get it. welcome to the team. we have a good show for you tonight. diane kruger is here, music from bonnie raitt, and right back with jason segel so stick around!
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>> jimmy: hi, there, welcome back. tonight from "swimming with sharks" diane kruger is with us. then later, her album is called "just like that" it comes out april 22nd. the great bonnie raitt from the mercedes eq stage. [ cheers and applause ] she is fantastic. you can see bonnie on tour at the landmark theater in syracuse on wednesday, april 13th. next week on the show, we've got all new ones with viola davis, bill maher, gillian anderson, henry winkler and bob odenkirk, and music from stromae, alec benjamin and maxwell. so join us for all that. [ cheers and applause ] you know our first guest from "knocked up," "bad teacher," "sex tape," "i love you, man," "how i met your mother," and other things that sound like a horny google search. [ laughter ] he plays lakers coach paul westhead in "winning time: the rise of the lakers dynasty" on hbo and hbo max. please say hello to jason segel. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> jimmy: really good to see you, you look dashing also. >> oh, yeah, i wore a vest today. >> jimmy: how long has it been since i've seen you? >> probably seven or eight years. >> jimmy: we used to be neighbors. >> yes. >> jimmy: we lived down the block from each other. >> in the heart of hollywood, yeah. >> jimmy: you moved to a hamlet? >> a little farm town. >> jimmy: how farm-y is the town? are you chewing on a stalk of wheat, wearing overalls, or what? [ laughter ] >> i have a lot of oranges. and i have a lot of overalls. >> jimmy: a lot of overalls? >> yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: a lot of them? you don't need more than a couple. >> no, my size, a lot of denim. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i know you're from l.a., you grew up here. do you miss being in the city? >> sometimes. but i really like being in a small town. i go to the high school football games and stuff. >> jimmy: wow. >> eat a sandwich. which i didn't know if you could do without kids, but you can.
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[ laughter ] i was nervous. >> jimmy: gets you on a watch list for sure. >> yeah, "this okay?" i go to the christmas play in town. i wait outside. i ask little kids to sign my playbill. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah, it's really fun, i love it. >> jimmy: do they lose their minds when they see you? >> they don't know who i am, they have no idea who i am. [ laughter ] creepy, both those things. >> jimmy: did you move there before covid? or was this a covid decision? >> i moved there eight years ago when "how i met your mother" ended. like, i can do what i want now. i'm going to live in this town. and i never left. >> jimmy: you walk around, nobody bothers you or anything? >> you know, i used to be a little scared to walk around because there's paparazzi and everything. it's different here. there i really liked -- yeah walk around like big bird, like hey, everybody! [ laughter ] it's really fun. to the kids i'm muppet guy.
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to the grownups i'm the naked guy from "sarah marshall." [ laughter ] it's a great mix. >> jimmy: what's the best place where you are? >> i have a pretty great spot, 21 achers of orange groves. i walk through it. there's amazing restaurants. rory's place just opened up there, which be is fantastic. >> jimmy: nice, great, good. i'm glad you're having fun. >> i am. >> jimmy: we miss you on the block. >> you do? that block was pretty intense. >> jimmy: yeah, it was too much. >> we lived right behind a really hopping hotel. >> jimmy: yeah, right, i know. yeah, i used toouhouse, wch alw. ht the. youeverse for a 3:00 p.m. salad. it's 2:00 a.m. chus burger and spaghetti bolognese. i was interested in not dieing. >> jimmy: right yeah. now you'll probably live forever up there. >> forever, yeah. >> jimmy: do kids mention -- i know on streaming, "how i met
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your mother" and "freaks and geeks" have had this resurgence. [ cheers and applause ] in the same way "friends" and "the office" have, et cetera. >> it's really cool. it's a strange thing. i don't know if you're experiencing something similar. at one point i was like kind of a representative of the generation i was making art for. now people call me "mr. segel." "sir." like on "winning time," the show i'm on now, i'm playing the coach. at one point the players, in between takes, said, "mr. segel, do you have any advice for us young guys?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: isn't that horrible? they think they're being nice but it's mortifying. >> oh, yeah, it broke my heart. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: little did they know what they were doing there. >> yeah. i went to -- i played the guy who plays kareem in high school. we went to high school the same year. and at one point someone looked at us and said, "it's impossible you two are the same age." [ laughter ]
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>> jimmy: really? >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's crazy. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: wow. that is crazy. >> yeah. small world. >> jimmy: imagine how kareem feels about that. >> yeah. >> jimmy: so i wanted to ask you, there was a show after "freaks and geeks," it was a pilot that people -- like some kind of a -- it has like a legendary status now. you were in it, kevin hart was in it, who else was in that pilot? >> me, kevin hart, amy poehler, judge reinhold was in it. yeah, it was really cool. it was a strange time. we were all so young, none of us had much success yet. judd apatow in a weird move made kevin hart live with me six months. >> jimmy: what do you mean? >> "oh, this will be good for the show if kevin hart lives with you." [ laughter ] i lived in a one-bedroom apartment. all of a sudden kevin hart was living with me. he'd be like, hey, man! [ laughter ] make you breakfast? i'd like some too! >> jimmy: like you adopted a
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kid. >> yeah. it really was. one of my prized memories is somewhere, i have a check for kevin hart that says like $7.48, "phone bill." >> jimmy: really? >> yeah, one of my favorite things i own. >> jimmy: you didn't cash that? >> no, i've still got it. >> jimmy: you must have seen the future. did you know at that time, oh, this guy is driven, he is going to be something? >> i've never seen anyone work as hard as kevin hart works. we would be out doing stuff, being young dudes. he would stay home and write and write and write. you would think, oh, that's cute. then you're like, oh, that's how you do it. that's how someone ends up being kevin hart. i still think about it sometimes. >> jimmy: he's out of his mind, he never stops working. >> he's incredible. >> jimmy: i'm surprised he stopped to eat breakfast. [ laughter ] >> i make good breakfasts. >> jimmy: when we come back, we are going to see a clip from "winning time" which is on hbo and hbo max. jason segel is with us. we'll be right back.
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♪ ♪ if you went on a road trip and you didn't stop for mcdonald's, that wasn't a road trip. it was just a really long drive. ♪ ♪ ♪ we could walk forever ♪ ( ♪ ) ♪ walking on ♪ ♪ walking on the moon ♪
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♪ some ♪ ♪ may say ♪ ♪ i'm wishing my days away ♪ ♪ no way ♪ ♪ walking on the moon ♪
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i know that our hearts are heavy. but we got a job to do. and there is nothing, there is nothing that jack mckinney would want more than a win. >> that's right. >> so let's take a minute. let's take a minute. give sorrow words. the grief that does not speak whispers throughout your heart and bids it break.
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>> so coach dead? >> no. no, no, no. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that is jason segel and some youngsters in "winning time" on hbo. >> i like that hair-do. >> jimmy: it's nice of jason bateman to loan you his hair. [ laughter ] >> there would be times when i would be doing good acting and walk away feeling like, wow, this is going to be great. then i would pass a mirror and think, it doesn't matter. it doesn't matter at all. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, the wig is is star, isn't it? >> oh, boy. >> jimmy: paul westhead, i know he was a professor. i think they called him the professor. >> yes. >> jimmy: he's like this guy who kind of gets forgotten in lakers history, partly because there was paul westphal and people confuse those guys. >> and pat riley came right after. >> jimmy: such a big star, he took all the attention. would he quote shakespeare to
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the players? >> i think so, he would quote shakespea shakespeare. "winning time" is a little bit elevated reality. we tried to make shakespearean art for this guy of somebody stepping into his own manhood. really fun to play. >> jimmy: it's a crazy story how he became coach of the lakers. >> yeah, yeah. it was totally by accident. the head coach had a bicycle accident. >> jimmy: literally by accident, yeah. >> yeah, and jerry buss didn't quite know what to do. he just appointed the assistant coach, said "that guy." they put me in these terrible outfits. >> jimmy: uh-huh, yeah. you know what, there's a billboard, i drive by every day -- >> no. >> jimmy: yes. actually, we have it here. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] there's you in the outfit. almost erotic, very inviting. >> it is. there's one on a bus also that drives through los angeles just tempting people. [ laughter ] i was really -- i was really scared the day they put me in
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that. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and said, "we're going to go do the promo shoot." i turned to adrian brody who plays pat riley, "i'm actually uncomfortable in this outfit." he said, "the show is about magic johnson, the show is about jerry buss, you're not going to be on a billboard or anything." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: don't listen to adrian brody is the message there, yeah. that is pretty great. so you're a lifelong lakers fan? >> yeah, grew up in the kobe, shaq era. >> jimmy: who's your favorite player all-time the? >> i've got a real affinity for kobe because i got to meet him one time. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you remember it? >> i remember it very vividly. it was a crazy story. it was -- i hadn't done that much stuff yet. i'd just done "forgetting sarah marshall," really. there was a head of a studio, real old-timey stuff, a head of a studio didn't want to hire me. so the agency gave him a ticket to the laker game. >> jimmy: hire you for what? >> for a movie that ended up not
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being very good, unfortunately. so i wish i hadn't gone. they gave him a ticket to the laker game, without telling him, gave me the other ticket to the laker game. we're sitting next to each other, me and this studio head, he doesn't want to be there at all, i can feel it. he has no idea who i am, i don't think he saw the movie. all of a sudden kobe saw me and he left lay-up lines and ran over and gave me a hug. and he said, pardon my french, "you're a funny mother [ bleep ]." then he went back and started playing basketball. [ applause ] >> jimmy: that was it? >> and i got the job the next day. i literally got the job the next day. >> jimmy: wow. [ applause ] that would be an even better story if the movie had been a huge success. >> yes. i also think he thought i was seth rogen. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: jason segel, he's not seth rogen, he's a different person. "winning time" is on hbo and hbo
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max sunday night. we'll be back with "this week in unnecessary censorship." what's up, jones? jones. [engines revving] "it's not unusual" by tom jones ♪ ♪ jones! oh, hey, jones! jones. woo!! it's keeping up with the jonases now. try to keep up, whoever you are. stay ahead in the all-new tundra. ♪ ♪ with directv stream, i can get live tv and on demand together. watch: serena williams... wonder woman... serena... wonder woman... serena... wonder woman. ace. advantage! you cannot be serious...
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common side effects were diarrhea, nausea, and headache. if you're living with hiv, keep loving who you are. and ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. (music throughout) if you're living with hiv, keep loving who you are. ♪ i'm the latest hashtag challenge. and everyone on social media is trying me. i'm trending so hard that “hashtag common sense” can't keep up. this is going to get tens and tens of views. ♪ but if you don't have the right auto insurance coverage,
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>> jimmy fallon and jimmy kimmel pulled off a pretty [ bleep ], [ bleep ] in honor of april fools' day. >> president obama returned to the white house for the first time since leaving office to [ bleep ] president biden. >> it is, to quote a famous american, a pretty big [ bleep ]. >> chula vista man got the shock of his life after he found an unwelcome visitor in his [ bleep ]. >> seven feet long. >> meta exploring financial courtesy named [ bleep ]. >> i wasn't supposed to get wet, that was supposed to be tony and i ended up soaked. [ bleep ] that guy. next time we'll [ bleep ] make sure he shaves. i don't know how those women do it, know what i mean? >> i'm not someone with knee problems, but [ bleep ], [ bleep ] in your knees. >> what of the $773 billion you're requesting are going to help you make assessments in the face of so many blown [ bleep ]s?
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[ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we'll be back with diane kruger!
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, there, welcome back. music from bonnie raitt is on the way. our next guest as talented actress who speaks multiple languages, including english, which will come in handy tonight. her new series is called "swimming with sharks." >> what color were these resoled? >> black. >> and the original color was? >> red. >> therefore, they should have been resoled? >> red. >> right. travis? get in here. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, poor travis. "swimming with sharks" premieres april 18th on the roku channel. say hello to diane kruger! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> how are you? >> jimmy: i'm doing well. your fiance norman ritis is here with you, he's a great guy. >> he says hello. >> jimmy: i will say hello to him. i don't want to start trouble. >> oh-oh. >> jimmy: i do actually want to start a little bit of trouble. norman was here last time, and i want to follow up on this, and i hope you don't mind me asking. he mentioned that he had -- you guys had seen a house and that he just went and bought it without really getting the okay from you. >> when he says we've seen it, it was like we drove by.phe was table read for "swimming with sharks." >> jimmy: oh. >> it's a sunday, you know how those houses are open and you can walk in. we looked at it, it was pretty. we live in new york, by the way. >> jimmy: right. >> then he drops me off. i come out of my table read, and there's like 50 messages that start with "i love that house, i stayed another hour, what do you think?" "should we move to california?
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i don't know, it would be so nice." "how about we make an offer?" "i made an offer, we got the house. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: you were displeased? >> it was a beautiful house, i don't want to complain too much. but i have not considered relocating to california, which then we did. so it was great. >> jimmy: is that something -- is this the sort of thing he does regularly? >> yes. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. >> yes. i call him a mad midnight shopper. the most obscure objects show up the next day. like weird balls to massage his feet. toothbrushes. >> jimmy: a house? >> a house. [ laughter ] nine motorcycles, literally. >> jimmy: wow. that's pretty crazy. you must have a very strong relationship to be able to get through that. >> i keep telling myself that. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: people remember you, of course. you were in "troy" with brad pitt.
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"national treasure" with nicholas cage. [ applause ] two movies with nicholas cage. he's going to be here in a couple of weeks, he's never been here before. my experience is everyone who worked with him has a really good nicholas cage story. do you have one or 11 you can share? >> 50. i have so many great nick cage stories. i love nick. i haven't seen him in years. i remember spending mardi gras with him when we were filming. and i just remember him coming out of the hotel in orange snake pants. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: where do you find an orange snake, yeah. i guess there are pythons. >> he owned a house in new orleans. there was nothing inside of it except crucifixes and a bed with a red velvet drape over it. [ laughter ] i remember going to his christmas party, and the whole house was covered in fake snow, in l.a. i remember having dinner at his
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house, and he showed me his private snake collection. which is like in the basement, they're all poisonous. he hadn't removed the teeth, i guess, that are poisonous. i have so many. and he bought a bat cave when we were filming "national treasure." >> jimmy: he bought a what? >> we were sitting -- close to mount rushmore, the lady who worked in the park," there's this bat cave here, it's for sale." "he said, "sold." he bought it. >> jimmy: to feed the snakes? >> maybe. >> jimmy: did he report on the bat cave? did he spend time in the -- who needs a bat cave? batman, i guess. [ laughter ] >> you know, i don't know. i don't know. >> jimmy: wow. >> yeah. >> jimmy: okay, good, all right. there's a lot for me to go off. [ laughter ] your show "swimming with sharks," how related is it to the film "swimming with sharks"? >> i mean, it takes place in hollywood. but it's very 2022.
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first of all, it's two female protagonists, so that changes everything. i do play a, as you saw in this clip, a pretty terrible boss. >> jimmy: a shoe thrower, yeah. >> just because i'm, you know, a woman, i also face challenges that a man doesn't, like infertility, cheating husbands. so the show deals with that as well. but it's very fun. >> jimmy: the other female protagonist is kiernan shipka who i don't know if if you know this, started on our show when she was about 5 years old. she used to be on the show. we do things with kids. she was great. we had her on the show. she went on to do "mad men" when she was a kid. now you guys are protagonists. >> it's really odd. we have a friend in common, january jones. i've heard about her for years. i feel like i knew her, even though we had never met. but in this show, you know -- we do -- it's a pretty steamy show. and it was definitely a mind --
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i don't want to say the word, a mind [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: right. >> thinking, oh my god, i'm doing illegal substances with the kid from "mad men." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: right, yeah, right. that is strange, yeah, yeah. >> yeah. >> jimmy: that is weird. how does norman feel about the fact that you're involved in this steamy show? >> not great. >> jimmy: no, no. really? >> yeah. >> jimmy: huh. >> i don't get to do the most steamy stuff. that's really kiernan. >> jimmy: you don't get to? that was an interesting word you chose. [ laughter ] >> i have a very attractive husband in this, yeah. >> jimmy: okay, you're making it worse now. [ laughter ] it's getting worse ask worse. maybe i won't go backstage and say hello. >> yeah. >> jimmy: have you guys watched it together? >> no. we have not. i took the -- my future mother-in-law to the premiere in austin. >> jimmy: norman's mother? >> yeah. i didn't really think that through. it didn't go over quite that great. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> you know. i think she was a little taken
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aback. >> jimmy: oh, that is -- did you think about that before you invited her to come along? >> no, no. but as we were sitting down i was like, oh, wait. yes. and i was trying to talk to her while stuff was happening. >> jimmy: i see, yeah. yeah, that's good. that's a good move. i used to do that when i was on the radio with my bosses, sitting and reviewing our tapes, and i was about to say something that i knew they wouldn't like. i'd start talking about something else. it never really works, yeah. >> it didn't. she didn't want to come to the after party. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: the show is called "swimming with sharks." it premieres april 15th on the roku channel. diane kruger, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] thank you, diane. be back with bonnie raitt! >> lou: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by the s class from mercedes-benz.
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large out-of-state corporations have set their sights on california. they've written a ballot proposal to allow online sports betting. they tell us it will fund programs for the homeless, but read the fine print. 90% of the profits go to out-of-state corporations, leaving almost nothing for the homeless. no real jobs are created here. but the promise between our state and our sovereign tribes would be broken forever. these out-of-state corporations don't care about california. but we do. stand with us. care coalition, it's so good to see you all! alright! let's brainstorm. any ideas for new members? i'd like to nominate alaska airlines. this neck pillow i'm dating says great things! a caring airline?! wait, those exist?!
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it says here they were the first airline to switch from plastic bottles to boxed water. they also hire a lot of people from caring professions. i'm seeing former teachers and nurses. it's settled! alaska airlines is officially in the running! round of applause! >> lou: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes e-q. all electric, all mercedes. >> jimmy: thanks to jason segel and diane kruger. apologies to matt damon. we ran out of time for him tonight, he'll be rescheduled. "nightline" is next, but first, her album "just like that" is
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out april 22nd. here with the song "made up mind," bonnie raitt! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ it starts out slow with go ahead and go pretty soon the melody is like a rainstorm ♪ ♪ tin roof symphony but it starts out slow it goes on and on for way too long ♪ ♪ it always ends on a bad note if you could dance at all you'd dance alone ♪ ♪ it goes on and on the quiet behind
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a slamming door the break of a heart ♪ ♪ that won't break no more get-away wheels in a straight line serenade of a made up mind ♪ ♪ ♪ there ain't no rhyme just wasted time moonlight spotlight shining down on a made up ♪ ♪ mind and a love gone wrong there ain't no rhyme the quiet behind a slamming door ♪ ♪ the break of a heart
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that won't break no more get-away wheels in a straight line ♪ ♪ serenade of a made up mind ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ the quiet behind a slamming door the break of heart that won't break no more ♪ ♪ get-away wheels in a straight line serenade of a made-up mind ♪ ♪ ♪ moonlight spotlight shining down on a made up mind
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and a love gone wrong ♪ ♪ moonlight spotlight shining down on a made-up mind and a love gone wrong ♪ ♪ ♪ moonlight spotlight shining down on a made-up mind and a love gone wrong ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
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♪ this is "nightline." >> tonight, a historic moment. >> the yeas are 53, the nays are 47. this nomination is confirmed. >> judge ketanji brown jackson. the first black woman confirmed to the supreme court. >> all right! >> inspired by today's events, future leaders now dreaming big. >> i want to be on the bench, sitting next to justice ketanji brown. plus -- >> tiger woods! >> master play. tiger woods tees off at golf's most prestigious tournament. >> tiger! >> a remarkable return after a devastating car crash nearly ended his career. >> we have a


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