tv Late Night With Jimmy Fallon NBC May 5, 2011 12:35am-1:35am PDT
-- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: whoa! that's what i'm talking about right there. great crowd. new york city crowd. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon." huge, huge news, you guys. president obama said he will not release the photo of osama bin laden's dead body. well, there goes my christmas card idea. [ laughter ] this is interesting. after osama bin laden's death on sunday there was a 1 million% increase in bin laden searches on google. [ laughter ] which means people are going, "yes, we got bin laden. hold on. who's that again?" [ laughter ] oh, yeah. yeah, that guy. yeah, yeah. yeah, i know him. good, we got him. listen to this, you guys. cleveland indians outfielder, shin-soo choo was arrest this week for drunk driving. they let him go when they realized he wasn't drunk. he was just introducing himself. [ laughter ]
shin-soo choo. shin-soo choo. i'm just saying my name. shin-soo choo, nice to meet you. shin-soo choo. get him a tissue or something. you're going downtown, buddy. check this out you guys. a 90-year-old woman and a 100-year-old man recently became the oldest couple ever to get married. [ audience aws ] yeah. it was really sweet. first the couple exchanged vows. then they exchanged teeth. [ laughter ] interesting. the couple actually wrote their own vows. they said, i promise to honor and cherish you, for richer and poorer, until next week do us part. [ laughter ] they picked a really hard to reach destination for their honeymoon. up some stairs. [ laughter ] this is really cool. white castle is now letting customers place orders online. as opposed to how they usually place orders -- on weed. [ laughter ] can i get 36 hamburgers. [ laughter ]
this is cool. while promoting her let's move campaign at a middle school, michelle obama danced the cha-cha, the running man and the dougie. not to show off, she was just doing her impression of barack after they got bin laden. [ laughter ] ♪ ♪ teach me how to dougie teach me teach me how to dougie ♪ [ cheers ] that's the dougie? -- the dougie? i need to be taught how to dougie. >> we'll teach you. >> jimmy: finally, next month barry manilow is coming out with his first original album in ten years. also coming out, anyone who buys it. [ laughter ] ladies and gentleman we have a great show. give it up for the roots! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, everybody. [ cheers and applause ]
take a look-see right here. it's "thank you notes" the book. you guy, we have a book coming out. [ cheers and applause ] our first-ever book. it comes out may 23rd. it's a dozen bucks. [ light laughter ] you can pre-order on our website. latenightwithjimmyfallon.com, or on amazon.com. pre-order it, get it for mom. wow, wouldn't mom love a pre-ordered book? [ cheers ] we've got a huge show tonight, you guys. the great alec baldwin is dropping by. [ cheers and applause ] he's the greatest. i love him. maggie q is here. she's gorgeous. oh, and she's a sweet-heart. [ cheers and applause ] and we've got stand-up from a very, very funny guy. louis katz is here, you guys! [ cheers and applause ] very funny comedian. you guys, it's time for "late night" hashtags. here we go! ♪ hashtags, hashtags hashtags, hashtags hashtags ♪ >> jimmy: now, these are lists on twitter where we give you the topic and you send in the
tweets. so, yesterday, in honor of mother's day, coming up this weekend, by the way, i went on twitter and started a hashtag called "my mom is nuts!" [ light laughter ] and i asked you guys at home to tweet something crazy or weird that your mom does. we got thousands of tweets it was trending in the u.s. it was really fun. so i thought tonight i'd share some of my favorites "my mom is nuts" tweets from you guys. here we go. this one is from @ mc double yoyo. she says, "my mom is afraid to sit directly in front of our computer because she's afraid people can see her. we don'tven have a webcam." [ laughter ] mom! this one's from @ jen frair. she says, "my mom used to tie dental floss to our lifesavers so if we choked she could pull them back up." [ laughter ] i thought were you choking. sorry. put it back in your mouth. that is crazy. this one's from @ m. spiegel 10n
he says, "high school assmate of mine friended my mom on facebook. her reaction, 'maybe i'm his milf'." [ laughter and ohs ] mom, you don't want to -- know what does that means? maybe i'm his milf. this one is from @ zack tiger. he says, "my mom takes the bag of winooout of the box of wine, puts it in her purse and sneaks it into movie theaters." [ laughter and applause ] got to have my wine. got to have my wine. we've got to go see "thor." this one's from @ lisa evans. wshe says, "when my mom grocer shops she buys oddly shaped watermelons, because she feels sorry for them." [ laughter ] look at this. it's just as tasty as the other watermelons, honey. this one is from @ cherry warhol, she says, "she adds ss to all store name. walmarts, targets, old navys." come on, everybody. it's time to go to applebeeses.
this one is from @ erie ella, she says, "my 70-year-old mother-in-law said she might try crack before she dies." [ laughter ] why not, i guess, right? why not? i think i want to try crack. that is crazy. this one's from @ ruby soho 17429.ys she says, "every once in a while my mom will say penis butter instead of peanut butter." [ laughter ] slight difference. almost the same, though. this last one here's from @ jessica gemmel she says, "my mom signs cards to me with 'love you long time' even after we explained to do her." [ laughter ] yeah, come on mom. there you have it. those are tonight's "late night" hashtags. we've got all these and more of your favorites go to latenightwithjimmyfallon.com we'll be right back with alec baldwin, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ hop to, gang. it's showtime.
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season final tomorrow night at 10 pm. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome alec baldwin! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: they love you. they love you, alec baldwin. >> i got a big cushion coming out of my butt over here. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. you can take that home with you. it's the home game. >> can i take this? >> jimmy: it's the home game. yeah. we disguise it as a pillow. is that a blue ring you have on there? >> is it a blue ring? >> jimmy: is it a ring? what is has? >> none of your [ bleep ] damn business. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i just said it -- i wondered what it is. >> it's a hair band. everybody says the same thing if you wear a ring on this finger, it's a hair band and i wear it to remind me of something. everybody's like, you know, "did you get married?" >> jimmy: yeah. >> what are you a moron?
no i didn't get married. >> jimmy: what does it remind you of? is it something personal? >> none of your [ bleep ] damn business. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: hey, the last time i saw you, by the way was at the -- you got honored -- the museum of moving -- of the moving image honored you. >> and you came, and thank you. yes, thank you. >> jimmy: you were -- you were phenomenal. one of the most fun -- >> it was a good group of people. yeah. i mean, it was really sweet of you to come. >> jimmy: michael keaton and tina fey. >> keaton came yeah, and he did "30 rock" with us. he did an episode of the show mike. >> jimmy: did he really? >> yeah. he was -- he was great. it was so great to see him. >> jimmy: oh, he is so good. >> he's one of the funniest people that ever lived. >> jimmy: i mean but, going through your list of -- did you like people honoring you? did you get embarrassed? >> no. i mean i -- no. no. yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you don't get embarrassed, or you don't like? >> no, you don't want to do -- you don't do that. you don't like doing that. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> paul newman once said the greatest line to me. i asked him if he'd be the honoree at an event, he and joann. and he said, he said -- he wrote me a note that said, "joann and i respectfully decline your request as we do not want to catch a case of honoreea." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: honoreea is good.
>> i love that that he wrote that. >> jimmy: i love that guy. what a cool guy. >> yeah he was cool. >> jimmy: you didn't work with him right? oh yeah, of course. no you didn't. >> no. >> jimmy: i was thinking of -- >> i was in "butch cassidy." yeah. when they go off the cliff, i'm on the ridge. >> jimmy: i saw the iconic class with him and robert redford. did you ever see that? >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: and it was fantastic. because, you think robert redford is cool, but not when he's in the room with paul newman. paul newman's the coolest guy. >> well i'll let you say that. >> well he's the coolest guy in the world. yeah, i'll say that. >> he is the coolest guy. >> jimmy: but look at this, like some of the credits. "beetlejuice." you were amazing in that. >> thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: "working girl." "working girl" you were great in that. "hunt for red october." are you joking? >> you're very sweet. thank you. >> jimmy: in the submarine doing it up "glengarry glen ross." >> am i dead? did i die? >> jimmy: yes you did. because this is what happens. >> that's why you're doing this whole -- >> jimmy: this is what heaven is. no i was just -- i just love seeing all these -- >> this is heaven? >> jimmy: this is what heaven is? >> with you here like this? this is heaven? >> jimmy: you've always said that. >> exactly. i have. >> jimmy: but i just love that -- i was like -- oh god. and we didn't get to the "30 rock" part yet and i was like, i just loved this dude. i love you, alec baldwin.
>> i have loved making -- making films but i have loved doing the tv show. i mean, it really has been the most fun and i love everybody on the show. i love -- tina and all the writers are incredibly smart people, but i really love working with tracy. >> jimmy: tracy morgan is -- yeah. >> tracy. when i came on the show with you, we did the impersonation of tracy. >> jimmy: everyone -- >> right. i don't want to do an impersonation so much of him now, as it was a line he said. like i said to him -- he was sick, as you know. he was very sick and had to have a kidney transplant. >> jimmy: he's doing better right? >> he's doing much better now. and he got a -- he got a kidney transplant. and i said to him one time -- i go, i don't know a lot about -- i don't know anybody intimately that had a bad form of diabetes and was that sick. and i said, "what was it like?" "what is it like when you have that kind of thing?" and he literally looked at me and he goes -- he goes, well -- [ impersonates tracy ] "my sugar was so bad, alec, i could pee on my pancakes." [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: i could pee on my pancakes.
[ impersonates tracy ] >> "i could pee on my pancakes." >> jimmy: oh my god. >> we're all just disgusted, me and mcbrayer. and we were like oh, so bad. >> jimmy: that is so good. >> so bad. >> he makes everything funny. >> that's right. >> jimmy: you've got the season finale tomorrow of "30 rock." >> we have the season finale tomorrow. the end of our fifth season. i want to send out a hello and love to jane krakowski. who i worship. i love jane. [ cheers ] jimmy: she's phenomenal. >> she had a baby. she had a baby. >> jimmy: she has a baby? >> she and her boyfriend had a baby. >> jimmy: that's awesome. i love that. i saw her, out of london she did "guys and dolls ." >> yeah. she won the olivier award for best actress in a musical. >> jimmy: she was off the charts. >> jane is so talented and i love jane to death and then i wanted to send her my love and congratulations. she had a baby. >> jimmy: speaking of -- >> the showbiz thing. i'm on the show, i like you know -- congratulations, jane, that you had your baby. [ laughter ] i'm not going to pick up and write a note. i'm going to tell you on jimmy's show. i know you're watching. >> jimmy: man, you've really gone hollywood. for real. you've really gone hollywood. >> i want to write her a note.
[ applause ] >> jimmy: yes, of course. >> i'm going to send her a baby note. >> jimmy: speaking of singing though. you're going to be doing some singing, you're in "the rock of ages." what -- are you a singer? >> i begged you not bring that up. >> jimmy: oh, come on. >> that's so mean of you. because you do sing. >> jimmy: i don't sing well. >> oh, come on. >> jimmy: i do impersonations of people. >> isn't that funny that you say that. when you -- sometimes you can sing, when you impersonate someone singing but you yourself can't sing. i become very self-conscious. but i'm going to go do the movie "rock of ages" with tom cruise, and julieann huff from "dancing with the stars" and -- and russell brand is my sidekick. he and i are like the guys that own the club. >> jimmy: oh my gosh. it's going to be hilarious. it's going to be great. absolutely. it'll be good. [ cheers and applause ] people must ask you -- because you're very political, alec baldwin. you're a very political man. people always, wondering, are you going to run your office? i mean, because you're very political -- a political dude. >> the thing i think was interesting about politics today -- [ laughter ] i'm sorry. the thing that is interesting about politics today -- now i know why this is here for
you, because you can bite it. it's trump. trump running for president. i just want to say two things. one. >> jimmy: trump is running for president -- >> trump is running for president. >> jimmy: do you think it's a good idea? >> -- is not a bad thing. trump winning the presidency, that's a bad thing. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: there you go. trump running for president, is a good thing. it's fun. >> jimmy: it's fun. >> i want to tell you this real quickly. because you do a good trump. trump, when he -- my funny thing about trump is that he always has a very revisionistic attitude towards people if he likes you or not like you. so, give me trump now -- like you throw things. i'll tell you, who's supporting your candidacy and is not supporting your candidacy. you tell me -- well you tell me your view and how it's colored -- how trump would color this. so let's just that we got an announcement that danny bonaduce endorsed you for president. >> jimmy: okay. i've got to do his face right. [ laughter ] danny bonaduce is a beautiful, beautiful man. got a great voice. golden beautiful, 24 karat golden voice from the radio. "the partridge family "would be
nothing without the great danny bonaduce. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: fantastic. >> then -- then you find out -- then you find out the next day that the beatles have come out against your campaign. what does he say the next day? >> jimmy: they're anti -- >> they are against trump for president. >> jimmy: i never liked these guys. the beatles who are they? look at their haircuts. they look like mo from the "three stooges." they could sing more like danny bonaduce, who has a beautiful, beautiful, golden voice. [ cheers and applause ] "come on get happy" is my slogan -- i want to show -- >> that is trump he's like -- he's for you, if you're for him. if you don't like him, he will crush you. >> jimmy: he will crush you. yeah. i ran into him the other night the -- i saw him at some event. and i said i'm doing an impersonation of you, i just want to let you know before you see it, i'm doing an impersonation of you. he goes -- [ as trump ] "when are you doing it?" i go, " -- coming on the show tonight." he's like -- [ as trump ] "it's on the show tonight?" i go, "yeah."
he goes -- [ as trump ] "jimmy's doing an impression of me" to everyone at his table. i go, "no, just shh." it's between us, buddy. he just announced it to everybody. you might not like it. >> could you imagine trump in like the times of christ? could you imagine him back then? trump meets jesus and he's like -- [ as trump ] "take a bath, cut your hair. okay?" >> jimmy: it seems like good advice. >> and get a nice necktie. >> jimmy: and don't get a tattoo. >> yeah, don't get a tattoo. >> jimmy: i want show everyone a sneak peek of tomorrow's season finale of "30 rock." the one and only. >> this is where we have a gas leak. we have a gas leak in the building and it affects us all neurologically. >> jimmy: okay, good. >> what's so funny about that? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you're about to see. here's alec baldwin in "30 rock." >> please don't go avery. i mean kennith [ laughter ] >> you called me avery. that's your kidnapped wife's name. what a coincidence. >> i haven't slept in days. i'm not really feeling like myself. in the evening, avery and i would sit together and talk.
it was a nice way to unwind. >> i bet you miss -- >> put on these earrings. [ laughter ] tell me about your day. >> well i got us all gifts from jonathan about my birthday party. then i went to a very uncomfortable dinner. >> do you know what i did today? tried to be strong, sat alone with my thoughts, then -- i went to a wonderful dinner. >> then the dinner ended. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you all did great. >> i love him. >> jimmy: so good. more with alec baldwin when we get back, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ in life, you're either the gas™... or the brake™.
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>> of course. "jacob's patiences." i'm a doctor at a walk-in clinic. dr. charles flarnhoff. it was a good time. >> jimmy: i remembered that. i was your patient. >> yeah. >> jimmy: in the episode. >> it was really, really fun. >> jimmy: yeah. i mean, don't take this the wrong way. it wasn't that much fun to me. you were kind of -- a little difficult to work with. >> i don't know what you mean. >> jimmy: well for one thing, you refused to use your own arms in any of the scenes. remember this? >> look, how many times do i have to explain this? i had very fragile arms. during that period in my life. [ light laughter ] i was trying to protect myself from injury, jimmy. >> jimmy: yeah, but -- whatever -- for whatever reason, the bottom line was, you refused to use your own arms during the shoot. you used fake arm. you used mannequin arms. >> that's correct. they used mannequin arms on the set of "jacob's patients."
>> jimmy: right. and then -- then to make you more comfortable, the director made everyone use fake arms, and i have to say, it made things pretty inconvenient. to say the least, really. >> look, you're totally overreacting. you may have used fake arms, but you couldn't tell they were fake arms. your arms looked totally real. >> jimmy: i respectfully disagree. they did not look real. actually, we're not fooling -- i have a clip. let's let the audience decide. ♪ [ scattered applause ] >> dr. flarnhoff, chip dinslynn is here for his physical. >> thank you, nurse. show him in. [ laughter ]
>> jimmy: hey, dr. flarnhoff. how are you? >> hey. look at you chip, all grown up. you've been coming here to the flarnhoff clinic since you were just yeah high. and now you're yeah high! i hardly know where the time goes. now, why don't we have you take a seat and we'll get your physical started. >> jimmy: okay. >> i think i'll just start with the basics here. everything feel normal in the -- cranial/facial area? any complications with your eyes? your ears? maybe your nose? >> jimmy: no. everything feels -- everything feels good. >> any swelling in the glandular region? >> jimmy: no. it's all good. >> does it hurt? >> jimmy: no, no. it doesn't hurt at all. >> that's good. now, i want you to -- do me a small favor and say, "ah!" [ laughter ]
>> jimmy: ah. ah. >> no. i want you to say, "ah" --! open up wide. >> jimmy: ah -- >> all right. yeah. your throat looks healthy and clear. very nice. now i'll go ahead and i'll test your reflexes. >> jimmy: okay. that sounds great. i appreciate that. >> yes. let me just go inside my medical bag here and grab my reflex hammer. >> jimmy: okay. >> should be right here. in my medical bag. that's where i keep my medical instruments. >> jimmy: okay. >> trying to locate my hammer, and then we're good to go. >> jimmy: okay. no problem. >> yes. let's see. where's the patellar hammer. i know it was in here somewhere. oh -- [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] oh --
shoot. i spilled the urine sample. >> jimmy: that's okay. >> i didn't mean to do that. oh, there's the hammer. >> jimmy: there's the hammer, right there. >> oopsy daisy. >> jimmy: a little slippery. you can just pick it up right there. >> well, i'm having some trouble accessing my hammer. with your permission i'll just go ahead and check your reflexes manually. >> jimmy: fine by me. >> yeah. does that hurt? [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: oop. well, yeah. yeah, yeah, a little bit. >> excellent. pain is a sign the neurons are firing properly. how about this? does this hurt? >> jimmy: ah, yeah! that is -- that is -- yes, yes. that hurts. >> excellent. now, how about this? >> jimmy: yeah. that -- my knee -- a all right. that's my thigh -- yes. yes -- that. >> well, everything feels like it's in working order.
reflexes seem very good. now, go ahead and stand up and let's check for your hernia. shall we? >> jimmy: yes. i guess -- you need me to take my pants off. right? >> oh, no. that won't be necessary. i'll just go in through the zipper area. that's the flanhoff way. try to relax. >> jimmy: yeah. absolutely. >> nothing to be nervous about. everything feels fine. oh, yes. >> jimmy: zipper is down. >> i'll unzip it. here we go. feels right. >> jimmy: all right. yes. all right. okay. >> just relax now. >> jimmy: oh. you're in there. you're in there. you're in there. you're in there. ah, you're -- your hand's pretty cold. >> well your testicles are very warm. [ laughter ] well, very nicely done. >> jimmy: thank you very much. >> very nicely done. and now if you'll be so kind as to bend over.
>> jimmy: what? >> time for your rectal examination. a man your age should never be to careful about his prostates. and don't worry. i'll do everything i can to ensure your comfort. >> jimmy: okay. >> i'm just going to go ahead and -- i'm just going to go ahead -- and lube up here. >> jimmy: right. >> yes. nothing to worry about. now, then -- let's get a look at your butt hole area. [ laughter ] all right jimmy, hold on now. hold on there. >> jimmy: oh -- all right. all right. all right. >> looks fine. everything's feeling perfectly fine. >> jimmy: you're in there. you're in there. you're in there. all right. all righty then. thank you very much. very good. >> very good. jimmy -- chip, very good chip. >> jimmy: i am glad that that's --
>> now, you remind so much of this other boy who comes in here named jimmy. >> oh, yeah. [ laughter ] would you care for lollipop? [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, dr. flarnhoff. you're the greatest. thank you so much. i'd love one. up top? >> up top. >> jimmy: hey, wait a second. dr. flarnhoff, where's your hand? >> oh. well chip, it seems i might have left it inside your butt. [ laughter ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah. you know what? ah -- [ cheers and applause ] you're right. >> that's a good show. >> jimmy: you're right, in retrospect, the acting looked pretty realistic. >> i think it worked. i think it worked really well. >> jimmy: what happened to your jacket? >> i got lube all over it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: alex baldwin, everybody. do not miss the "30 rock" season finale tomorrow night, 10 pm on nbc. maggie q joins us next.
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thursdays at 9:00 pm. she also stars alongside paul bettany in the new vampire movie called "priest," which opens next friday, may 13th. please welcome back to the show maggie q! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ oh maggie q oh maggie q oh maggie q ♪ ♪ i love you oh maggie q ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the roots, they love you. we all love you. please, sit down. >> that was so amazing. >> jimmy: thank you for coming back. you look gorgeous. >> thanks for having me back. >> jimmy: oh please, yeah. we love having you. >> oh. >> jimmy: i mean -- and congratulations on "nikita." >> thank you. >> jimmy: i think it was the last time you were on, it was just about to come on. >> um hm. >> jimmy: and now it just blew up. it's the biggest hit over there. >> we've been really lucky. we're all feeling pretty grateful. >> jimmy: that's awesome, yeah. well, "nikita" is based on the movie, right? >> well, it's like loosely based. the same character from the 1990 french film, but we've re-imagined it.
we've done the future of "nikita." that's basically what the serious is about. >> jimmy: yeah, well -- and people -- i don't know if everyone knows this but you are like a uber-duber superstar in asia. >> oh. >> jimmy: like crazy, crazy. like crazy times, right? yeah, you are. >> i don't -- >> jimmy: weren't you in like, 20 movies or something with jacke chan? >> well, i started my career there, weirdly. i am american. i was born and raised in the states. i'm from hawaii but, for some reason, i -- >> jimmy: i want to see your birth certificate. [ laughter ] i don't believe you. is hawaii the united states? >> that's why i mentioned it. >> jimmy: yeah. so wait -- so you're from hawaii. >> i'm from hawaii. i'm from the states and i weirdly went to asia for whatever reason. >> jimmy: what reason? >> i was in school. i'm a -- i didn't finish. >> jimmy: you're a dropout. >> yeah. >> jimmy: it's all right. you can say it. you can say it, yeah. >> without saying i'm a dropout, i'm a dropout. >> jimmy: what year did you drop out? >> um -- first year. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh my gosh. you didn't go to college, really. >> first day. i walked in, i turned around. >> jimmy: one semester, like, "this is ridiculous." yeah. >> so i just -- it didn't feel
right. i wanted to get out there. i was born and raised on an island and i never left and i had to get out. >> jimmy: so you went to hong kong? >> yeah, well i went to tokyo. >> jimmy: okay. >> and then taiwan and then hong kong. yeah. >> jimmy: and then, how did you get into acting? >> i fell into it. you know, i did -- sort of some commercials and i don't know. for some reason, people wanted to see me. i don't though what that was about. i don't know why -- >> jimmy: what do you mean? you're gorgeous and you're a good actor. >> no, but i mean i -- no, no, no. >> jimmy: yes. >> there are a lot of gorgeous people in the world. >> jimmy: you are. oh, yeah. >> i'm on the lower end of that but i don't know -- >> jimmy: but you just became this giant star out there. >> there was just something that people wanted at that time. i got very lucky. the timing was right. and so i met a woman who took me in. she let me sleep on her floor for a year. you know. just -- she was everything to me. my mother, father, sister, brother, everything at the time and i really didn't have anyone in those years. and so -- and she's still with me for almost 15 years now. >> jimmy: what is her name? >> her name is mien. >> jimmy: mien? very good. well, thank you, mien for making her career. [ applause ]
you got the name maggie q from hong kong, right? >> they just couldn't pronounce -- i'm irish/polish/vietnamese. but everyone -- >> jimmy: wow. [ laughter ] wow, that's a good mix. >> my name is my name. my name is margaret denise quigley. >> jimmy: you name is -- >> i have the whitest name on the planet. [ laughter ] but -- >> jimmy: wait. margaret quigley. >> but i still walk into studio meetings and they tell me that my english is amazing. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: oh my gosh. hilarious. >> swear to god. >> jimmy: really, they go -- >> ridic. >> jimmy: "her english is so real, it's almost like she's from the united states." >> they're like, "it's almost like you have an american passport." [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: [ irish accent ] margaret quigley. >> margaret quigley. >> jimmy: [ irish accent ] you're up for all the irish roles. >> i am. i am. i'm first up when they -- >> jimmy: so then they just -- so they couldn't pronounce it? >> they couldn't pronounce it. they shortened it and then, one day i showed up to something -- you know, just something and people were calling me that. i had no choice in the matter. >> jimmy: maggie q. >> you know theatre friends who are really -- you know, theatre people, they're pretty -- >> jimmy: sure. >> you know. who thought i was ridiculous 'cause i modeled and then did tv.
they asked me if i went to the states if i was gonna use my porn name. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: they think maggie q's a porn name? >> they think maggie q's a porn name. >> jimmy: no, no, no, no. not at all. >> "are you gonna use your real name or porn name?" "i think i'll stick with my porn name." >> jimmy: yeah, i mean, exactly. well, it works for you now. you got the porn name going but "nikita" is gonna air in asia soon, right? >> it is, yes. >> jimmy: this is huge. this is big. >> it's fun, you know? i just -- it was so many years there and i learned so much and then i came back to the states, you know, in 2005 and i've been here ever since and it's just -- it's kind of coming full circle and -- >> jimmy: but they -- they love the show over there and they review it in the papers and it's -- >> but it's illegally downloaded at the moment. >> jimmy: yeah. >> it's not -- >> jimmy: so they're bootlegging your show and then reviewing it in the paper? >> yeah. >> jimmy: i love that that -- so bizarre. >> they're like, "you gotta check out the show. it's great. you can't get yet." >> jimmy: it's like why would anyone read their reviews if like -- it's illegal? >> i know. but it's everywhere, apparently. >> jimmy: but now it's gonna be legal. >> according to my friends. yeah. >> jimmy: let's talk about "priest." >> oh, let's, please. >> jimmy: this is a giant movie. is it in 3-d as well, right? >> you know, it looks gianter.
we sandwiched it between these giant, ginormous films. you know, "thor" and "pirates" and -- you know, the genuinely ginormous films but -- we had a -- like, you know, half the budget and the greatest crew and the greatest cast, so -- and when i saw it, it just looks so much bigger than what we made it for, which is exciting. >> jimmy: well, it's based on like -- a graphic novel, right? >> yeah, it's called "the priest." a south korean graphic novel and it's basically about, you know, these young people who are found by this church in this post-apocalyptic, sort of western world. and they have these heightened abilities and the church collected them and capitalized off their skills to use them as the protectors of these walled cities and the human race lives behind these walled cities because there is a very big threat out there. this vampire threat that we created. and, you know, when the war was over against vampires, they were disbanded and forgotten about and the story is about them all coming together to fight this new threat. >> jimmy: to kill the vampires? >> yes sir. now, who is paul bettany? is he a vampire or is he -- he's a priest? >> he is priest and i am
priestess. >> jimmy: you're priestess? >> so, in this world, women can be priests and we take the same vows and -- yeah, we're the same. >> jimmy: i see a sequel. yeah. yeah, "priestess." >> thank you. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i'm good. i have a knack for that, yeah. >> let's look at a clip of "priest." you guys. 's maggie q, y guys. ♪ [ screams ] [ engine roaring ] [ screams ] ♪
♪ >> jimmy: yeah! that's what i was talking about. you're a badass! [ cheers and applause ] our thanks to the great maggie q. maggie, come back whenever you're in town. >> thank you. >> jimmy: when we come back, stand-up from louie katz, you guys! stick around, come on! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ male announcer ] if you think "heroes" are only in movies, consider this: over 70% of firefighters are local volunteers... these are our neighbors putting their lives on the line. and when they rely on a battery, there are firefighters everywhere who trust duracell. and now you can join with duracell to help. just buy specially-marked packs & duracell will make a battery donation to local volunteers. these days don't we all need someone to trust...? duracell. trusted everywhere.
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tom welling is dropping by and we got music from twin shadow. it's gonna be a good show. tune into that. our next guest is a very funny guy whose album is call, "if these balls could talk." [ laughter ] available on itunes right now. he'll be performing tomorrow night at the helium club in philadelphia. give it up for louis katz, everybody! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> everybody, how's it going? [ cheers and applause ] good. good. doing pretty good myself. i spent most of today balding. [ light laughter ] it sucks going bald. i don't know what to do about it. they got surgeries now to fix it up. but i don't like plastic surgery. all it does is make you look younger. that's not the part of getting old i'm worried about. i don't need bigger lips. how about injecting some collagen into my deflated dreams so my life appears fuller? [ light laughter ] [ scattered applause ]
i just thought i would have got more done in my life now and i haven't really done much. up till now, my proudest achievement was a three-way with two chubby chicks. [ light laughter ] that's a menage a -- ugh. [ laughter ] i like large woman, though. they're very soft. it's almost as if they have breasts all over their body. it's like -- [ laughter ] full-body breasts. it's cool 'cause you can find large woman, if you're looking for them late at night, on the internet. they got code words for them. bbw. right? that stands for "big, beautiful woman." not the best abbreviation, though, bbw 'cause abbreviation is supposed to shorten a word. bbw is still the same number of letters as fat. [ laughter ] best part about the bbw, though is if the bbw happens to be black, you just throw another b in there. and then the word sounds like how she's shaped, just "buh buh buh wah," and that --
[ laughter ] hmm. lot of bbws to choose from these days. i don't know if you guys have heard but we as americans -- we now are officially the fattest people of all time. we did it. [ cheers ] it's weird. there's all these theories about it, trying to -- investigative reports, "why are we so fat? how did we get to be so fat?" i don't know. i got my own theory. maybe, just maybe, it's 'cause a burger costs $2 and a salad's freakin' $12.99. maybe that's -- [ cheers and applause ] got something to do with it. [ applause ] i mean, think about it. you got five bucks in your pocket, you get a bugger, fries shake or you can put a down payment on some arugula. [ laughter ] get your mom to cosign for some croutons. ridiculous. [ light laughter ] i got a friend with a very strict diet, though. he's a vegan. some of you haven't heard about vegans yet. maybe you're visiting from out of town. [ light laughter ]
a vegan is a person who won't eat anything made by or with flavor. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] my vegan friend gets all excited whenever he finds new vegan food. he's like, "oh man, you gotta try this!" tastes just like turkey but it's made with tofu. they call it tofurkey." i say, "no man, i don't gotta try that 'cause i already found something that tastes just like turkey except it's made with turkey. it's called turkey." [ laughter ] the stuff you got doesn't taste like turkey at all. it tastes more like the sad delusions of a man who wears pants so tight, i can make out the expression on the head of his penis. [ laughter ] and it looks like this -- "ah!" [ laughter ] i've had decent vegan food before, though. but you know, a good vegan meal is like a good christian rock band. even when it's kind of good, still really sucks.
it's not -- [ laughter ] very good. speaking of things that suck, i was in a marching band when i was in high school. sucked for me. worked out a little better for some of you, over here. [ cheers and applause ] i'm here complaining about marching bands in front the first guy since john philip sousa to get some ass from playing the tuba. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i never got any. all right? marching band's weird. it's like, who would've thought of that? who decided to mash all this stuff up and put it in the middle of high school sporting events, you know? it's almost as if someone was sitting around thinking, like, "you know what? the football players are cool. everyone really likes the football players. but what if there was way we can make them look even cooler [ laughter ] oh, let's think. they're the most athletic students in school.
what if we stopped the football game right in the middle and have the goofiest kids in school prance around the field for awhile?" [ laughter and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] "you know what? how about we -- we have 'em play instruments?" "what you mean -- you mean guitars?" "oh, no, man. people like guitars. [ laughter ] we'll have them ruin popular songs by playing them on instruments nobody likes. i'm talking french horns, clarinets, tubas. and every song will sound like it was remixed civil war style. [ laughter ] by dj musket nuts, and then -- [ laughter ] we'll dress them up in military uniforms." "wait -- wait, wait. but people respect the military." "oh, no, man. you don't understand, like a special, flamboyantly gay branch of the military. [ laughter ] as if there was some sort of 'don't ask 'cause we can all
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