[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are --

and featuring the legendary roots crew. the legendary roots crew. captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh! that's what i'm talking about. happy thanksgiving, everyone! welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. please, i want to say happy thanksgiving, once again. and to all my viewers at home i just want to say, thank you for leaving your tvs on nbc when you passed out at 9:00 p.m. i really appreciate that. [ laughter ] hope everyone enjoyed the holiday.

i don't wanna say i over-ate, but today i decided to change the name of the show to "here comes jimmy boo boo." [ laughter ] we have a great show. actually, i read that americans ate 46 million turkeys today. [ audience oohs ] and those americans are chris christie and newt gingrich. [ laughter ] hey! hey! quick question -- >> steve: what? really? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: why? i love chris christie. >> steve: why? >> jimmy: i know, i know. >> steve: newt gingrich? >> jimmy: he's a good sport. he's a good man. how many of you spent the holiday with the relatives? [ cheers and applause ] how many of you spent it on ancestry.com to prove they're not your relatives? [ laughter ] you know, today is the day you're supposed to remind yourself of all the things in life to be thankful for. we wanted to find out what you guys were thankful for, so we hit the streets of new york city. we got some interesting answers. take a look -- >> this thanksgiving, what are you thankful for? >> my family. >> my job. >> my husband. >> my wife. >> eggnog.

>> twinkies. >> my pet turtle. >> honey boo boo. >> ugg boots. >> strep throat. >> oxygen. >> hydrogen. >> boron. >> brown trousers. >> all of tobey maguire's movies. >> crab meat. >> velcro. >> santa claus. >> the actor tom skerritt. >> big boulders. >> zebra shoulders. >> small cats. >> fat rats. >> chunky pizza sauce. >> dr. plumpy. >> "police academy." >> "police academy 2." >> "police academy 3." >> "police academy 4." >> "police academy 6." >> all of the "police academy" movies except "police academy 5." >> and i like turkey. >> great, back to you, jimmy. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you so much, i appreciate that. some celebrity news, it's been reported that kevin federline's ex-girlfriend is dating britney spears' ex-boyfriend. [ audience oohs ] it's pretty serious, in fact today i heard they bought a set of "what's his name" and "what's her name" towels. [ laughter and applause ] hey, this is not good.

police in up state new york are looking for a man who stole a truck that was carrying 350 christmas trees. so, keep in mind that over the next few weeks if you see anyone selling a bunch of christmas trees. [ laughter ] and finally, to improve security, facebook is actually moving its users to a slower internet connection. or, as aol put it, "welcome." [ laughter ] we have a great show tonight! give it up for the roots! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: all right, we have such a fun show tonight. we love her, from "parks and recreation" here on nbc, rashida jones is here to celebrate thanksgiving once again with us. [ cheers and applause ] plus, these guys are one my favorites. they're the hosts of the sports talk radio show, "the nick and artie show," nick dipaolo and artie lange are stopping by. [ cheers and applause ]

>> steve: hilarious! they're hilarious. >> jimmy: talking the sports. and of course the one and only martha stewart is here. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: that's a gift for thanksgiving! >> jimmy: she's here all show. she's giving us some great after-thanksgiving tips. and if that wasn't enough, later on in the show, she'll teach us how to make the ultimate thanksgiving leftover sandwich. that's everyone's favorite. it's my favorite part. yeah. what do you love on your -- >> steve: turkey. [ laughter ] on my sandwich? >> jimmy: yeah, the whole thing. >> steve: okay, well start with bread. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> steve: then i'll put some turkey on there. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. that's enough. [ laughter ] hey, let's say hello to martha stewart, everybody. right there! oh my goodness. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ happy thanksgiving, martha. >> i saw you at the parade this morning. >> jimmy: oh, you did? yeah. >> i waved to you. you just looked right past me. >> jimmy: no, that is not true,

martha. i waved at you, and i -- >> there were only 25,000 of us. >> jimmy: no, i was standing there -- i was sending you vibes. but where were you standing exactly? >> we were in the bleachers right near macy's. >> jimmy: oh, were you really? >> where you did your performance. >> jimmy: oh my gosh, martha, you're the greatest. >> i had no idea you were such a rock 'n' roller. >> jimmy: what are we working on? what do you got? >> oh well, you know, thanksgiving centerpieces can be recycled for christmas, easily. >> jimmy: see, i love this. >> this is something that i concocted for my thanksgiving. and it's just twigs from the storm -- sandy storm. we have lots of twigs, don't you? >> jimmy: i have so many twigs around the house, i don't even know what to tell you. [ laughter ] i look around, i go, "what am i gonna do with all the twigs?" [ laughter ] we got them all over the place. >> and one little trip down to the home depot, you can find all this amazing, beautiful floral sprays or old glitters, very christmasy. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and they come in different sizes and shapes. and so then, keep the birds, 'cause the birds are so cute. these are bird ornaments. they're very beautiful. and then you can take out your thanksgiving herbs, if you'd like, or leave them in.

>> jimmy: again, i don't know how many thanksgiving urns i got lying around. i got, "honey, we gotta break out the thanksgiving urns again." >> no, herbs, herbs. >> jimmy: oh, herbs. i'm so sorry. yeah. [ laughter ] i go, "what the heck, we can't put flowers in that, that's grandma. what are you doing? [ laughter ] don't put -- did you put a bird in there? oh my --" >> steve: i'll show you a bird. >> jimmy: i'm sorry, yeah. herbs! >> no grandmas around. >> jimmy: fresh herbs, i'm so sorry. >> add a few red birds for christmas. >> jimmy: well, that one's dead. it's all right. that's fine. [ laughter ] taking a nap. it's just taking nap, you guys. >> but you see, you can -- >> jimmy: martha, you are the greatest. we're gonna check in with you again in a little bit. we love you. thank you for being here for thanksgiving. you're the best. [ cheers and applause ] fantastic. i love martha stewart so much. today is thanksgiving. so awesome. you guys, today is thanksgiving. it's the day of giving thanks. so, i thought what better day to write out my weekly "thank you notes." do you guys mind? [ cheers and applause ]

you're so nice. james, can i get a "thank you note" writing music? ♪ you look so friendly. james, i'm sorry i used that urn, by the way. i thought it was -- i thought it was -- oh my goodness. >> steve: it's like a greek urn. >> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: what's a greek urn? >> jimmy: i don't know what that means. >> steve: about $30 an hour. [ laughter ] [ rim shot ] come on, that old chestnut. >> jimmy: that was good. >> steve: yeah, come on. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, val chmerkovskiy, for performing in a speedo on "dancing with the stars" and giving new meaning to the term ballroom dance. [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: hello, not much room. there's not another room at the inn. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, the

changing leaves in autumn, for being a beautiful way to basically watch trees go through puberty. [ laughter ] [ voice cracking ] >> jimmy: "i had a great -- i had a great time being a tree." ♪ thank you, mitt romney, for being photographed this week pumping your own gas, attending the "twilight' movie," and then going to disneyland, or as you would call that, going on a bender. [ laughter ] [ imitating romney ] "i couldn't believe, i didn't know where i was. i drank so much milk." [ cheers ] i didn't know where i was at." >> steve: oh, my god. ♪ thank you, person who carves the turkey, for always trying to give me a lecture on how to cut it. hey dude, i hate to break it to you, but there's a reason i didn't volunteer for this job years ago. no one cares. now, pass the turkey on the left-hand side, biotch. [ laughter and applause ] why am i so angry?

[ applause ] >> steve: why are you so mad at him? >> jimmy: i don't know. you gotta give me advice. i don't know, man. ♪ thank you, porcupines, for being beavers that are really into acupuncture. [ laughter ] not all these are thanksgiving themed. >> steve: right. they're just there. >> jimmy: some are there for fun. yeah. this one's just for fun. >> steve: what's this one? >> jimmy: it's not written yet, i'm going to write it. [ laughter ] >> steve: you're going to write -- you just got to think of it, right? yeah, 'cause it's in your brain. >> jimmy: it's in my brain right now. >> steve: from the brain, to the pen, to the mouth. >> jimmy: get it written as we speak. here we go. and -- ♪ thank you, rows of corn, for being something you see farmers in, and thank you, corn rows, for being something you almost never see farmers in. [ laughter ] think about it. >> steve: think about it. >> jimmy: -- on that guy. >> steve: think about it. [ applause ] >> jimmy: and finally -- ♪

thank you, people already lined up for black friday sales, for understanding the true meaning of thanksgiving, avoiding your family by any means necessary. there you go. those are my "thank-you notes." we'll be right back with more "late night," everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ male announcer ] this is mike. mike's being healthy and chewing like a man.

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♪

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. martha stewart is here all show long giving us some great after thanksgiving tips. martha, what are we making now, my pal? >> oh, a fantastic cocktail, your favorite. >> jimmy: oh please. >> your favorite. made out of -- [ cheers ] >> jimmy: in my family it is not only after thanksgiving, it is during and before. so this is great. >> cranberry syrup, maple syrup, best bourbon and best apple jack brandy. and some fresh lemon juice. so, you just mix that all up together and i put most of the stuff in here already. you can make your own cranberry syrup with cranberries and sugar and a little water, and then shake it up. do you know how to make ice balls? [ laughter ] see in the glass? see these cute little round ice cubes? >> jimmy: oh, yeah. >> actually, big round. those are the new hot thing. i'll teach you how to make those.

really good. and there, shake it up, pour it over an ice ball. >> jimmy: yeah. >> yeah. a lot goes -- a lot goes a long way. >> jimmy: nothing like some frozen balls and cranberry syrup on thanksgiving. >> yep. mmm. >> jimmy: wait -- and why are they round, martha? do you know the science behind that? >> well, the science behind the round is that they melt slower, keep everything colder. it's a japanese invention. >> jimmy: yeah, and so it melts slower so it doesn't dilute your drink. >> exactly. >> jimmy: so you can enjoy your beverage longer. >> yes. >> jimmy: she is a genius. martha stewart, we love you. [ applause ] and always beautiful as well. hey, guys, you know this next guest from hit movies like "the social network," and "the muppets" and also from her great tv show, "parks and recreation." which airs thursdays at 9:00 pm here on nbc. please welcome back to the show, one of our favorites, here's rashida jones.

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> i'm trying to think of the musical reference. [ hums ] >> questlove: "be thankful." >> jimmy: there you go. you always have to think with the roots. they always do their homework. rashida, you are gorgeous as always. >> thank you. >> jimmy: welcome back. >> thank you. >> jimmy: is this our second thanksgiving? >> yeah. >> jimmy: -- doing the show together. >> yeah. >> jimmy: we have to make this -- >> tradition. >> jimmy: yes. you are the greatest. >> tradition. welcome and thank you for spending it together. [ cheers and applause ] isn't it fun? >> yes. so fun. >> jimmy: i love you. and we have martha stewart on the show. >> i know. she's the greatest. >> jimmy: i love her. she is the best. do you know martha stewart? >> i have been on her show a couple times. she taught me how to make a rhubarb pie. >> jimmy: great. >> i didn't do it right, but she helped me. she helped me to do it better. >> jimmy: so, she yelled at you? >> she -- maybe a little. she didn't yell, she raised her voice just enough to get my attention. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: she scolded you.

>> but i like it. no, but i like it, because my mom is like super laid back, hippy and i sometimes like to be bossed around. >> jimmy: yeah. >> you know? >> jimmy: you do. you want a little rules. a little structure. >> structure, yeah. martha gives me structure. >> jimmy: last time i was on martha's show and we were eating some ice cream. and martha started choking on the ice cream. >> why is that funny? >> jimmy: because she is fine. clearly. >> okay. >> jimmy: but she just left. she was like, so anyway what's in the -- what's in the -- and she just left. and it's a live show. >> and you're just there. >> jimmy: so i start going, well, anyway, we have cranberry syrup here and, if you have an urn at home, you -- and i just couldn't -- she's the best and i don't know what i'm doing. hey, you know what? we had amy poehler on the show last night, who we love. and amy left you a little secret note -- >> my wife. >> jimmy: she left you a secret note in the chair. >> okay. wait, really? >> jimmy: i wasn't allowed to open it. yes. check this out, in the cushion.

i wasn't allowed to look at it or open it. >> this is from amy yesterday? >> jimmy: from yesterday. yeah. >> this is so exciting. >> jimmy: isn't this fun? she left you a note. so here you go, read it. and what does it say? >> it says -- okay, we have -- she has a game that's like -- that's called do an impression or die. so like the whole idea is like even if you can't do a good impression you have to do it or else your life is over. >> jimmy: are we going to get an impression? are we going to get an impression from you? >> she, "rashida, do your impression of robert de niro. love, amy." [ cheers ] >> jimmy: oh, that's good. hey, that's pretty good. oh my god. that is -- ♪ [ cheers ] that's the prettiest robert de niro impression i've ever seen. >> i'm going to keep that. >> jimmy: you're really pretty. yeah, let's keep that right in there. yeah. thank you. hey, i have to say, your movie by the way, "celeste and jesse forever." >> yes. >> jimmy: i love this movie. >> oh, thank you. >> jimmy: it was so well done, so funny. you act in it so great. and andy samberg. >> andy samberg, a great actor. >> jimmy: great job acting. >> great actor. that's actually going to be out february 5th on dvd. >> jimmy: february 5th on dvd, you guys have to check it out.

if you haven't seen this movie, it's kind of a reverse romantic comedy. it starts with you guys getting a divorce. >> yes. exactly. you just drop in while we're getting divorced. not that romantic. >> jimmy: not that romantic, but gosh, it's a little tug at the heart strings. >> it's a little sad. it's sad and funny. >> jimmy: but you wrote it as well. >> yeah, i co-wrote it with my running partner. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow. it was so good. you're killing it pal. that was so good. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i loved it so much. now, you are very also active in the election. >> i was. >> jimmy: barack obama. you were voting for obama. and very relieved. [ cheers ] did a good job. >> woo! >> jimmy: relieved. >> yeah. i was so stressed out. i didn't even realize how stressed out i was until like the next day, i realized i hadn't slept for weeks. >> jimmy: oh really? >> i crashed for like 12 hours. >> jimmy: oh my gosh. >> like a sleepy bear. >> jimmy: well you did a great job. and also it got a little, again, it got a little romantic. >> always. >> jimmy: you were in iowa -- >> yeah. >> jimmy: -- campaigning -- >> yeah. >> jimmy: and some stranger came up to you and proposed marriage to you. >> mm-hmm. >> jimmy: yeah. now, what did you say? are you guys married? >> i said maybe.

i said, let me think about it. >> jimmy: you said, call me maybe? >> yeah, i said call me maybe. i said maybe. i didn't want to say no. what did he say? he just came down and just -- >> he just got down on a knee, he had a really cute ring. he wanted to give it to me. but i was like, i don't want to take your ring. let me think about it and i'll get back to you. >> jimmy: but he's complete stranger? >> complete stranger. >> jimmy: you never heard from him -- >> i think his name is chris, i don't know. >> jimmy: his name is chris. he goes by one name like cher. chris. >> he goes to the university of iowa. >> jimmy: chris at the university -- wait. so, are you considering it? >> i'm thinking about it. yeah. i'm taking my time. >> what if one night you go, hey, you know what i kind of had a thing for chris. >> right. i think that's his name. no, but that's what social media is for. right? i mean, that's why you are on twitter. >> jimmy: that one where you go, hey, i think your name is chris? you live in iowa. do you want to get married? >> i feel like maybe he'll find me again, if it's meant to be. >> jimmy: if it's meant to be. >> it's like a romantic comedy. >> every night though you have been going to the top of the empire state building. >> i'm like, chris, if that's your name! ♪ somewhere out there

>> jimmy: "parks and recreation." >> oh gosh. >> gosh, you guys are hitting homers this season. we had joe biden on the show. >> yeah. >> jimmy: which i thought was just killer. >> the sexy joe biden. >> jimmy: you had sexy joe biden on the show. >> yes. yeah. >> jimmy: but you always have -- i mean, you guys have got a killer cast on the show. >> i know. >> jimmy: and everyone -- i mean this is, i think out of all the seasons this is my favorite season. >> it's been great. >> jimmy: you are firing on all cylinders here. it's going really well. now, your character, you call it kind of like the town slut. that's what you like to -- >> not kind of. she is the town slut. >> jimmy: yes she is. yes. >> full stop. >> jimmy: she just ends up sleeping with everybody. >> we have to just call it what it is at this point. >> jimmy: everyone who has been -- every male character on your show, you're character -- >> has taken a shot at me. yeah. >> jimmy: why not? i mean please, you are gorgeous. i mean they want to, they have to do that. >> thanks. >> jimmy: but don't you want to change your character? you're like, no? >> no, i actually now, this season. i'm dating myself. and part of the impotence to do that is because i have dated everyone else. there's no one left. >> jimmy: yeah. so, you are going out with yourself in this one. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: i want to show everyone a clip. it's very funny. here is rashida jones and some

of the other awesome cast of "parks and recreation." check this out. >> let us in, ann. it's cold outside. and i can't wear mittens because they are unflattering to my hands. >> sorry guys, this is your penitence. you can come in if you do something nice for jerry. >> well, it's not worth all that. >> hey, i already did something nice for jerry. i drove here to take him to jerry dinner. >> oh donna, you can come in. >> okay. >> donna! >> merry christmas. >> donna, don't leave us. >> oh, well. whatever. jerry's party, how cool could it be? santa! they have a santa. >> what? >> aw! [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: more with rashida jones when we get back, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ you can help othersink along the way. ♪ ♪ a portion of every bottle that they sell goes to fight ♪ ♪ breast cancer and i think that's swell. ♪ ♪ the more you take, the more they'll pay, ♪

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, everybody. welcome back. i am here with the beautiful, multitalented rashida jones. now, rashida, we've been friends for a long time. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and whenever we hang out, i love to hear you sing. you have a great voice. >> thanks. >> jimmy: so, i thought tonight, maybe we could sing some songs together on the show. like, whatever you want to do. you can do current hits. you can do traditional holiday songs. anything. >> well, how about both? >> jimmy: wait. are you saying change the words from popular songs to make them about thanksgiving and also about hanukkah and christmas? [ laughter ] >> that is exactly what i'm saying. >> jimmy: let's do this. >> yes. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ you ate before then had some more

you ate so much you can't fit through the door ♪ ♪ everyone else in the room is done eating everyone else but you ♪ ♪ baby you ate a whole pecan pie yourself ♪ ♪ the way that you stuff your face ain't good for your health ♪ ♪ but when you go back for thirds it ain't hard to tell ♪ ♪ you don't know oh oh you don't know you're really full ♪ ♪ oh oh and that's what makes you really full ♪ ♪ hey, i made turkey it's dry and flaky do me a favor and pass the gravy ♪ ♪ and all the other food ain't so tasty my stomach's grumbling so pass the gravy ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ but you didn't have to drink so much ♪ ♪ finished all the liquor

in the cabinets 'til there was nothing ♪ ♪ you started saying racist stuff now you're just some uncle that got way too drunk ♪ ♪ some uncle some uncle that got way too drunk ♪ ♪ ♪ oppan eggnog style ay sexy ladle oppan eggnog style ♪ ♪ ♪ can you spin my dreidel baby dreidel baby let me know ♪ ♪ girl i know that you're not jewish so i'll start real slow ♪ ♪ just put your fingertips together and you say shalom ♪ ♪ can you spin my dreidel baby dreidel baby here we go ♪

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ take a slice of the pumpkin take a slice of the pumpkin ♪ ♪ take a slice of the pumpkin ♪ ♪ we're beautiful like pumpkins in the pie ♪ ♪ we are never ever ever wearing ugly sweaters we are never ever ever wearing ugly sweaters ♪ ♪ ♪ some lights are hung up strung up on the treetop some lights i plug in the wall ♪ ♪ some lights i find in a box and they're all tangled some lights they just blink on and off ♪ ♪ ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ♪

♪ ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ♪ ♪ ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ♪ ♪ ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ♪ >> jimmy: one more time. come on! ♪ ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ♪ ♪ ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: rashida jones. do not miss "parks and recreation" thursdays at 9:30 p.m. here on nbc. comedians nick dipaolo and artie lange join us next after the break [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ♪

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♪ [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. let's check in with my pal, martha stewart again. martha, what are you cooking back there? it smells good. >> well, one of your favorite things, although i did not know you were allergic to mushrooms. >> jimmy: i'm not allergic to mushrooms. >> you hate them. >> jimmy: i don't enjoy them. >> okay, you hate them. >> jimmy: i don't like the texture of them. >> like mayonnaise. >> jimmy: i don't like mayonnaise either. >> i got all these food, like, problems. >> jimmy: no, they're not problems, martha. there's only two things -- i just don't like -- mushrooms taste like i'm eating, you know, those tops you put on erasers you put on pencils. [ laughter ] they have no taste and they are rubbery, and i just don't need them. >> okay, well, this is turkey tetrazzini, which is one of my favorite ways to use up leftover turkey. >> jimmy: now, what is tetrazzini again? >> well, it's noodles. any kind of noodles. >> jimmy: i'm in. >> turkey, peas, onions sauteed and maybe mushrooms, if you are not -- >> jimmy: sure. >> hateful of mushrooms. >> jimmy: i'm not -- martha, i'm not hating -- i'm not hateful of mushrooms. >> and make a bechamel -- >> jimmy: i appreciate them. don't put words in my mouth. >> make a bechamel sauce of

chicken stock and a little butter and flour and -- >> jimmy: martha, what's the weirdest thing you make on thanksgiving? do you have a weird dish? >> the weirdest thing? >> jimmy: like, i'm talking about, like, there's always, like, one dish you, like, that's just a little -- just -- like, like a -- like a -- [ laughter ] no, come on. there's got to be dish -- >> jimmy, i don't make weird thing. >> jimmy: yes, you do. you made me once -- you made me chicken wings that were black. >> those were good. you loved them. >> jimmy: no, they were perfect. they were colored black. >> you gobbled them up. you gobbled them up. that was on halloween, for heaven's sake. >> jimmy: i love, but, you know, i loved it. you're always very creative. but i thought you maybe for thanksgiving you'd have an interesting dish. oh, my goodness. now you're just -- you're just changing the subject. really? >> oh, it's mushrooms. it's a very good dish made out of seven different kinds of mushrooms. >> jimmy: blech! i love you martha stewart. [ cheers and applause ] our next two guests are hilarious comics and the hosts of a nightly sports talk radio show, "the nick and artie show." please welcome back to our show nick dipaolo and artie lange.

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: nick dipaolo, artie lange. welcome. happy thanksgiving. >> thank you, jimmy. >> jimmy: and thank you for being here on thanksgiving. >> happy hanukkah. >> jimmy: happy hanukkah as well. yeah, thank you. do you enjoy thanksgiving? >> oh, yeah. >> i think the food's a little overrated. turkey is what, the driest animal on the face of the earth? it lives on fiberglass and dirt while it's alive. then you deal with the tryptophan, the stuff that makes you drowsy. you ever look around your house after thanksgiving? it looks like there's a gas leak in the living room. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: everyone's just passed out. >> hey, what'd you stuff the turkey with, thorazine? i can't feel my feet. >> jimmy: artie, did you enjoy it? >> yeah, i like that part. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah.

that's what you love. you love that. >> i like getting high off turkey. i like rolling up the turkey. >> jimmy: you're absolutely getting high off turkey. >> this is good dark meat. >> i got one tip i want to find out for thanksgiving from martha stewart. i need one tip. dallas is giving five to the redskins. what does she think? >> jimmy: yeah, i know. you got to get that tip from you guys. yeah, no, exactly. but i just saw a picture of you. a little spaced out. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: i got to ask you. how are you doing, by the way? >> well, i've been working out with a personal trainer for a year. and i think i have a lawsuit, quite frankly. someone doesn't know what they're doing. i have problems that, like, they had back in the 1800s. i think i have the gout. >> jimmy: you need a good bleeding, yeah. >> you know what the gout is? it's, like, you just have, like, a bunch of russian dressing and scotch in your foot. >> jimmy: yeah, what is gout. >> -- in your foot. it's very painful. >> jimmy: yeah, exactly what it is, yeah. russian dressing and -- >> thanksgiving is a good time

of year for me, but it reminds me of a horrible thanksgiving that i had once. one of the things i miss about being on "the howard stern show" was you always were always in good with the cops. 'cause the cops love howard. you could murder a guy. they'd help you move the body. [ laughter ] and i was doing a gig in albany. thanksgiving stand-up gig, like, about ten years ago. and i wanted to get out of albany. it was 3:00 in the morning. i was drunk, so i found a cab driver. and he looked like a roadie for the allman brothers, but i would take anybody at that point. so i said, "could you take me back to hoboken, new jersey?" he goes, "$300." i'm, like, "fine." i go, "i'm hungry. where can i get a pizza?" guy knew where to get pizza. we get a sicilian pie. we throw it between us in the front seat. we finish it before we get out of the albany city limits. and he starts driving. now, i pass out. i wake up two and a half hours later on route 17 in paramus, new jersey. and i'm so happy because i slept through the ride. i didn't have to make small talk with willie nelson. and now something smells like pot, though. i smell weed.

i look over. the guy is driving, doing about 90. and he's got one of those, like, cheech and chong quarter pounder joints -- [ speaking spanish ] he's just, like -- "whoa, what's up, man?" i'm, like, the guy's driving while high. so between the pizza and the four gallons of booze i'd had -- >> jimmy: and the smoking in the car. >> and the smoking, i have to throw up. so i go, "dude, pull over. i got to throw up. it's five in the morning on route 17." he finds an exxon station. like, "sure, man, i'll pull over." we pull over. i open the car door. >> jimmy: oh, my goodness. >> empty exxon station. i'm projectile vomiting out the car. >> jimmy: so sorry. >> like, the kind of puking where you hurt your back. like -- [ retching ] [ laughter ] it's like throwing fire. [ retching ] >> jimmy: throwing fire. >> just shooting out. [ retching ] it's just filling up like it's flooding the exxon station. the guy's still smoking weed. that was pot -- there's pot smoke billowing out

of the car. >> jimmy: yeah. >> of course, sirens are in the back of us. a cop sees a car pulled over. >> jimmy: no. >> so the cop -- again, this is the beauty about being on "howard." cop pulls over. now, picture the scene. there's weed billowing out of the car. i'm throwing up violently. and now the kid sees the cop. he tries to hide the joint in his crotch. never a good idea. [ laughter ] he's, like -- "what are we going to do? what are we going to do? i can't stop throwing up. it's an involuntary response. >> jimmy: you didn't ask to do this. >> the cop -- true story. the cop pulls three feet in front of my face, shines the flashlight on me while i'm throwing up and he goes, "artie!" and he just drove away. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: "artie!" come on. >> the driver said, "are you famous?" >> jimmy: you guys, i want to talk about your show. congratulations. >> what show is that? here it is right there. >> jimmy: your radio show. right there. "nick and artie" right there, you guys. [ applause ]

yeah! it's on radio weeknights from 10:00 p.m. to 1:00 a.m., but then live on directv's audience network. you guys are live on television. >> yeah. >> jimmy: they've got a crazy setup for you guys. >> they call this a dream situation. >> jimmy: how did you get that? >> directv. >> we are the outlaws. like, people are, like, who did you guys ask to get that? >> jimmy: but, i mean, you have batting cages. do you have a pool table. >> well, we sell dope to kids in schoolyards. >> jimmy: no, no. no, nick, you do not. >> directv does. >> no. directv does. [ laughter ] >> no, they have all the money 'cause they have the nfl sunday ticket. football is kind of popular, jimmy. don't know if you know. >> jimmy: i've heard about it, yeah. >> there's a college game today. the detroit lions are on. [ audience ohs ] and -- no, you're right. they're a powerhouse. but -- >> jimmy: they were winning last time i checked. >> were they? what were they, cheating? >> no, i put a bet in on -- i don't wanna talk about it. i'm one of those guys who bets on the coin toss in big games, so -- >> jimmy: no lie. >> i could be down two grand before the kickoff.

i like college. >> jimmy: you enjoy college football. why? >> yeah, because the kids are doing steroids like they're m&m's. and the coaches act like they have no idea what's going on. this is little billy smith. he weighed 185 as a freshman. this year, he's 615. bench pressing 1,000 pounds. nobody mentions the fact the kid grew a tail over the summer. [ laughter ] his urine's worth $300,000 an ounce. >> when barry bonds gains 40 pounds in his forehead, it's a red flag. >> jimmy: yeah, that's when you go, "wait, that's a problem." who do you think is going to go all the way? do you want to make predictions? >> i would like to say the patriots. i'm from boston, right? [ cheers and applause ] >> and i'm a giants fan, so ha-ha-ha. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. so, giants/patriots? >> i mean, stephen hawking could burn that secondary, you know? >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: speaking of -- wait, wait. >> that's our show, by the way. >> jimmy: but, wait. so were you saying giants/patriots super bowl?

>> i hope not. >> i mean, giants/patriots, that was last year. and i'm a giant fan. it was great. we won. the second time, brady, the mr. pretty boy, gisele bundchen. >> don't start. >> yeah. >> eli manning. >> jimmy: bundchen. >> gisele bundchen. >> jimmy: that's not her name. bundchen. >> no, i like saying it like that, though. when i see brady, i just go "giselle bundchen. >> jimmy: but tom brady, he is amazing. >> tom brady -- i'm for gay marriage. i'd marry him tomorrow. >> jimmy: you would. really would, yeah. he is that good. >> well, i was on the fence about him. >> jimmy: well, you didn't like eli at first. >> well, eli -- eli lives in my hometown of hoboken, new jersey. he's, like, this southern redneck. and, you know, it's all the guidos that bet on the giants, so the first three years, he wasn't winning. so, literally, it was terrible. you were, like, i'm ashamed i was part of this. but we would go to the pizzeria and get garlic knots and throw them at -- "hey, corky, how about winning the game?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you'd throw garlic knots at eli manning? >> now they're my friends. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. and then he turns out -- >> now we all love him, yeah.

>> jimmy: so, now you throw -- >> no, now we throw, like, you know, money at him. >> jimmy: you guys, so i heard you say it, but the radio show is on 10:00 to 1:00 a.m. "the nick and artie show." >> yeah, we have a lot of -- a lot of meth addicts are big fans. >> jimmy: i know, 10:00 to 1:00 a.m. no, that's a good time. trust me. i'm on 12:37 or something, so please. we have martha stewart coming out. we're going to make a sandwich. nick, do you guys want to hang around and make a sandwich? >> i think i could use a sandwich now. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he's my man. artie lange, nick dipaolo. up next, martha stewart teaches us how to make the ultimate sandwich, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ match that price.

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'm here with the amazing martha stewart. she's about to show us how to make the ultimate thanksgiving leftover sandwich. thank you for being here, martha stewart. >> oh, thank you. thank you. >> jimmy: we love you so much. please, you're here. you know artie and nick? >> yeah, i know them. >> jimmy: and rashida. yeah. >> i'm under the witness program, martha. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, please. now wait, now martha the home depot holiday collection. what is in it? what is the home depot holiday collection? >> oh, well we sent you this because of your new dog. you need shatter proof --

shatter resistant -- >> jimmy: shatter resistant christmas ornaments. this is what i want to talk about. you are always thinking and going towards the next thing. when i was a little kid, i would look at these things and then put my face in them and smash them. >> right, break them. these will not break. >> jimmy: will not break. >> and you just adopted a doggy. i did. i just got a dog, gary, who is the cutest dog. and you got me the nicest stuff for gary. >> those are our things -- >> jimmy: now, martha stewart collection. >> yes. >> pet smarty. you got an outfit for gary. >> oh don't give do that to the dog. >> isn't that cute? >> that's not -- >> no, no, no. >> jimmy: what do you mean? nick, what are you talking about? >> the dog was born with a coat. he doesn't need another one. >> jimmy: but look, this dog, she's dressed like an elf. >> you know what you should do -- >> it's a girl by the way. >> you know what you could do, jimmy? when it's really cold out. you should go by a homeless person who is freezing and show them that. [ laughter ] look at the coat -- look at the coat my dog has! >> jimmy: okay. >> good luck tonight. you should get a parka. >> i don't know about you guys. >> jimmy: he's crazy, martha. here we go.

>> so, are you going to have -- you're going to have turkey later? >> yes, me would do manicott. we're italian. we'd take a picture of the turkey. we bring out manicott. >> you know what manicott is? >> jimmy: is that like a ziti type of thing? >> like manicotti. >> manicotti. >> yeah, we say manicott. >> they drop the last syllable. >> my mom does that all the time, she pretends she's italian. she's like "mozzarell." we got some ricott. i go mom, please you're irish. all right, here we go. [ laughter ] >> so, butter, butter -- these are paninis. >> yeah, i love that. >> they are italian. >> i know what panini is. >> so you butter the outside of the bread. >> that's butter. i love butter. >> turn it over. and then -- >> you turn the butter over? >> jimmy: oh, you like butter? >> that's going to be on the outside. so, i like turkey on my turkey sandwich, do you? >> jimmy: yes. >> oh god, yeah. >> jimmy: all right, here we go. >> you can use your fingers. you can use your fingers. >> should i put more butter? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: artie, you have to have something besides butter on the sandwich. >> i'd like a butter sandwich. >> i put gravy. >> jimmy: all right, good. i always -- turkey, we've got to do that. >> i think we have a mice problem in the studio. [ laughter ] >> i like swiss cheese on my turkey, too. because it melts. >> jimmy: swiss cheese.

>> you know, it melts really well. oh, and i want -- >> jimmy: i do stuffing, i do cranberry sauce. but this is my -- i like this almost -- i mean, i love thanksgiving dinner, but i almost like this better. >> we have a tradition at our house. if you guess what aunt's hair is in the stuffing you get a little -- [ laughter ] you're like, that's aunt milly's. >> oh, god. >> you don't have anything on your sandwich. >> artie, what, are you on a diet? >> how did this get on the table? >> jimmy: no, it's kale. >> it's kale. >> jimmy: i mean, really is that all -- >> all thanksgiving i'm on the atkins diet, i come here. >> jimmy: wait, so martha, what are you doing now? >> i'm putting mine in the panini machine. if you don't get it in the machine -- >> my dad used to put my hand in that if i got a "d" in math. >> jimmy: nick, come on. let's not get into issues here. >> jimmy, i'm just telling you some stories. >> jimmy: we don't need the issues here. martha, what do you do? >> here, put it over here. >> there better not be any gluten in this bread or i'm going to kill somebody. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: artie is on the gluten free diet. martha, okay, now you put this on the panini maker.

>> don't trust me about that. >> jimmy: oh my gosh, please. >> okay, now put this on. now there's another panini machine over there. >> jimmy: oh, there is? >> rashida, get your sandwich in. >> sorry. i'm not on it. >> jimmy: i hear you. i need to do this. all right. so here's the deal. martha, i have to tell everyone again. check out martha's collection at home depot. look at this stuff. the home depot collection. >> beautiful. beautiful. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: now, what we are going to do now, martha, we are going have a little cheers. and then when we come back, we are going to set the table and try our sandwiches after the break. >> jimmy: cheers! >> cheers everybody. >> jimmy: artie -- >> cheers. >> jimmy: you're the greatest. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: all right, everyone. let's have a bite. let's have a taste. and happy thanksgiving everyone. i'm thankful -- i'm thankful for all of you guys. >> oh, thank you. >> aw, i'm thankful for you. >> mmm. >> mmm. >> oh my god. >> these are good. >> jimmy: there's mushroom on mine. >> what? >> jimmy: i'm just joking. >> and mayo. >> jimmy: my thanks to rashida jones. [ cheers and applause ] nick dipaolo, artie lange, martha stewart. [ cheers and applause ] steve higgins and the greatest band in "late night," the roots. [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for "carson daly" thank you for watching, everybody. happy, happy, happy, thanksgiving. [ cheers and applause ] ♪