both are happily married to other people. programming note for you. this sunday evening. biggest movie and tv stars at the golden globes here on nbc bay area. watch the broadcast live at 5:00 p.m. we have complete coverage on our website, nbc bay area.com. with some of our golden globes predictions. man, he put on a video game for nicole kidman. >> she said. want to his apartment in new york. put on video games. >> oh, man. >> happily married now. >> would have liked to have seen that. >> they're happily married now. >> speaking of jimmy fallon. he's next! ♪ ♪ >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center in the heart of new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." tonight, join jimmy and his

guests -- liam neeson fred armisen and carrie brownstein stand up from simon amstell and featuring the legendary roots crew. >> questlove: 189! >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about there. hot crowd. hey, it's a party! welcome, welcome, everyone, to "the tonight show." thank you for being here. [ cheers and applause ] this is it.

we're here. we're here, you guys. welcome. here's what everyone's talking about. i saw that president obama met with mexican president, enrique pena nieto, at the white house yesterday. in case you're not familiar, this is enrique pene nieto. [ laughter ] even michelle was like, "well, hola there. it's getting a little caliente in here." [ laughter ] that's right. president obama met with the president of mexico. when asked what it's like to govern 100 million mexican people, obama said, "it can be challenging. [ laughter ] thanks for asking." [ cheers and applause ] of course, the president has a a lot on his plate with the new republican congress. he has to try to work with those guys. in fact, the president invited republican leaders to the white house next week to try and find some common ground. he said, quote, "i'm going to try different things, whether it's having a drink with mitch mcconnell or letting john boehner beat me again at golf." [ laughter ] but then it got weird. he kept going. he was like, "i might run a a warm bath for ted cruz, might

give a back rub to rand paul. i'm willing to experiment." yeah, it just got weird. it's like stop talking. stop talking. [ laughter and applause ] some more news out of washington -- during a recent interview, white house senior adviser, dan pfeiffer, said joe biden is the reason president obama got elected both times. [ laughter ] then he said, "he's also the reason we got banned from applebee's. but who's counting?" [ laughter and applause ] bahama mamas, let's go! [ cheers and applause ] shirtless wednesday. shirtless wednesday. ♪ >> steve: cronut. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: cronut? [ laughter ] guys, listen to this. senator, kay hagan, recently said that when she first got to capitol hill, she tried to go swimming in the senate pool. but they told her that it was male only, because some of the senators like to swim naked. [ laughter ] if you want to know what that looks like, just throw some chicken skin into a sink full of water. [ laughter ]

you know what i'm saying? you don't want to be there. you don't want to -- >> steve: ew, it's getting cloudy. >> jimmy: yeah, cloudy water. [ laughter ] i want to say congrats to former president george h.w. bush and his wife barbara, who celebrated their 70th anniversary yesterday. seventy years, wow! [ cheers and applause ] that's actually the longest presidential marriage since john adams. or as barbara calls him, "my first love." [ laughter ] the one that got away. you guys hear about the earthquake in texas yesterday? no one got hurt. but some areas near dallas, texas actually expeirenced a 3.5 magnitude earthquake which some blame on fracking. however, scientists say that it was more likely aftershocks from chris christie celebrating at the cowboys game. [ laughter and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

how did we get it? you're happy. >> steve: rude. [ laughter ] he's a governor for gosh sake's. >> jimmy: this is very interesting here. the co-founder of the dating website okcupid, sam yagan, admitted yesterday that he was -- he's never met someone online, because he was dating his future wife when he made the site. >> steve: really? >> jimmy: yeah. of course, his wife was like, "aww. wait, what?" [ laughter ] sorry, i'm out of breath. [ laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy: stop, i don't want to do it any more. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: you want some water? >> jimmy: hashtag the panda,

everybody. [ laughter ] a little caliente in here. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: well, anyways, okcupid founder, sam yagan, admitted yesterday that he's never been on an online date. he said that several other celebrities and politicians were asked to comment on yagan's admission. actor seth rogen said, "i'm the same as yagan. i've never been on an online date." [ laughter ] actor steve coogan said, "i'm the same as rogen and yagan." [ laughter ] singer josh groban said, "well, i'm the same as rogen and yagan and coogan." [ laughter ] the former new orleans mayor, ray nagin, said, "i'm the same as groban and rogen and yagan and coogan." [ laughter ] and wrestler hulk hogan said, "i'm the same as nagin and yagan and groban and rogen and coogan." [ laughter and applause ] more celebrities. comedian joe rogan said, "i'm the same as hogan and rogen and groban and yagan and nagin and coogan." u.s. senator, kay hagan? she said, "i'm the same as yagan and nagin and groban and rogen and rogan and hogan and

coogan." [ laughter and applause ] and finally, tegan, from the indie-rock group tegan and sara, said "i actually have been on an online date. [ laughter ] so, i'm nothing like yagan or nagin or hagan or groban or rogan or rogen or hogan, because i am like coogan, because i'm a vegan." i didn't know that. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i saw this. the music festival cochella -- you guys psyched for cochella? [ cheers and applause ] well, they announced this lineup yesterday, which includes ac/dc, jack white, and drake. [ cheers and applause ] it's the perfect chance for fans of ac/dc, jack white, and drake to come together and have no idea what to talk about. [ laughter ] so, i hate your music, you hate mine? yeah. yeah, i hate yours. all right, well, here we are. [ laughter ] well, this is just heartbreaking here. i read about a man in

new mexico who recently thought he won $500,000 from the lottery until officials told him the ticket was a misprint. [ audience ohs ] and let me tell you. that was one careful drive he took back to the ferrari dealership. [ laughter ] "okay, okay, i can see the dealership from here, okay. whoa, whoa, watch out! get out of the way!" [ laughter ] [ blowing raspberries ] [ cheers and applause ] [ imitates siren ] "get out of my way!" [ laughter ] and finally, some local news, as the mta here in new york city is launching a a campaign against "manspreading" on subway trains. [ laughter ] you guys know what that is? have you heard about this? it's when guys spread their legs and take up extra room on subway seats. and i saw this on the news report recently. and it really does seem like it's becoming a trend.

this is real. >> if you take the subway, bus or train, you've seen it. guys taking up more than just their seat. it's called "manspreading," and this trend has evolved out of the subway and on to the sidewalks. as some men have adapted the man spread into their morning walk to work. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: horrible new trend. we have a great show. give it up for the roots, everybody! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's been a great week so far. there is more ahead tomorrow night. oh, she's so funny. i love her. lena dunham will be here from "girls." [ cheers and applause ] super funny, this guy -- have you seen "whiplash"? have you seen that movie? >> steve: not yet. >> jimmy: oh, my goodness. quest, have you seen it? >> questlove: yes. >> jimmy: i mean, was this guy

not unbelievable? >> questlove: yeah. >> jimmy: j.k. simmons, you guys, will be here tomorrow night. unbelievable. [ cheers and applause ] and we have my pal ghostface killah. he will be here as well. [ cheers and applause ] we're all going to play a big game of pictionary together, i think. i think. i can't wait. then on friday, my man, don cheadle will be here. kate bosworth will be joining us. you don't want to miss that. [ cheers and applause ] but first, we have a fun show tonight. he's one of our favorites. from the highly anticipated new movie, "taken 3." [ cheers and applause ] he is a man amongst men! >> steve: come on! >> jimmy: he's the toughest man in this whole building and he'll knock it right to the ground. liam neeson is here tonight! [ cheers and applause ] good stuff. love him. plus, they're the stars and creators of the hit show "portlandia." [ cheers and applause ] i cannot wait for the new season.

i binge-watched the old seasons, again. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: i've never done that with any show. but i just miss it. i need new episodes. i go, i don't have any, so i just watch the old ones again. the whole season through. they are so funny. fred armisen and carrie brownstein are stopping by. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: come on! freddie fred. >> jimmy: freddie fred, man. freddie fred. and then we have stand up from a very, very funny gentleman. here all the way from england. he's super, super funny. you guys are going to love this guy. simon amstell will join us. simon amstell, one of my faves. [ cheers and applause ] so, it's this monday, right? i think this monday is the college football national championship game. it's the first time that they've ever had an actual playoff for college football. everyone's excited. yeah, they're down to two teams. it's the ohio state buckeyes. [ cheers and applause ] and the oregon ducks. [ cheers and applause ] now, they're both great. they're both great. it's nearly impossible to predict who's going to win. but you're in luck. because when it comes to predicting things, we have a a secret weapon.

and it's puppies. [ cheers and applause ] that's right. ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the puppy predictors 2 2015, college football championship edition. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ predictor puppy predictor ♪ well, we have seven puppies and two bowls of delicious kibble. one representing the ohio state buckeyes, the other representing the oregon ducks. whichever team's bowl gets the most puppies will be crowned the national champs. [ cheers and applause ] this is work. this is work. we've done this before. there is a 5% chance that this will be correct. [ laughter ] you guys ready to meet the puppies? [ cheers and applause ] let's bring them out! [ cheers and applause ] [ audience aws ] all right. well, of course, we have as always, we have brad johnson,

kyle mcadams, mary kennedy, ted mooney, roger blaine, lisa armstrong and gary frick jr. [ cheers and applause ] hey, guys? guys, pay attention. pay -- will you -- pay attention! gary frick jr., pay attention. gary! gary frick jr. gary frick jr., pay attention. oh, he's -- look. he's trying to eat this kibble here. he's cheating already. now, gary. [ laughter ] gary, you know that wasn't yours. now, look, i want this to be a a clean vote. i don't want to see any wandering, peeing or butt sniffing, you got it? [ laughter ] all right, here we go. let's release the puppies! [ cheers and applause ] that's it. gary frick jr., he knows what's up. looks like ohio state's in the lead. ohio state is going to be in the lead. no one else is -- no one else wants to gamble.

♪ yeah, there you go. come on, guys. i mean, this is a big game here this weekend. [ laughter ] gary frick, what are you doing back there? gary? get out of the corner! gary? [ laughter ] get out of the corner, gary. you did this last time. now, get out there and vote! and then, you're helping people out by playing the game, gary. all right. thank you, gary. let's go, come on. let's go. let's go, guys. he's urinating in the bowl. what does that mean? [ laughter ] roger blaine, you're in trouble. here we go, guys. i think it's -- i think -- [ cheers and applause ] i don't know. i think we got there. we have two puppies. that means we have a winner. oregon will win the national championship. [ cheers and applause ] there you go, buddy. oh, that's very, very nice. thank you very much to our puppy predictors. congratulations to oregon.

we'll be right back with liam neeson, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ welcome to the most social car we've ever designed. the all-new nissan murano. nissan. innovation that excites. [richard] what does the have to do with your taxes? a lot. who can help you figure this out? we can. come in on thursday, january 8th, and our affordable care act specialists can tell you if your taxes could be affected.

break the ice, with breath freshening cooling crystals. ice breakers. new and improved i can't believe it's not butter! 100% taste, 0% artificial preservatives. made with a blend of delicious oils, purified water, and just a pinch of salt. two, please. new and improved i can't believe it's not butter. it's time to believe.

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest is a a golden globe, tony and academy award nominated actor, who's new movie "taken 3" opens friday. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our good friend liam neeson. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about right here! [ applause ] you're a stud, you're the greatest. welcome back. >> everybody got my check. >> jimmy: no -- we love you. we love you so much. can't have enough of you, man. >> i feel i was here last tuesday. >> jimmy: you were here last

tuesday, yeah. we want you back every week, we're big fans, we love you. >> thanks. >> jimmy: congrats on "taken 3." you've done it again. >> thanks buddy. >> jimmy: it's another great one. it's another big action, big fun movie. >> there's some heart. >> jimmy: well of course a a little heart, yeah, in there. [ laughter ] you have to have that, of course. the first one did like $290 million something crazy. >> that was just my fee jimmy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: exactly. the second one was like $350 million. something crazy like that. so these are just giant movies. >> they're good movies. yeah, they're good entertainment. >> jimmy: oh it's fantastic. and they -- the action scenes, the fighting scenes, i know that's really you because you. unless you have cgi arms. >> i do my own fightnig. yeah. i don't do my own stunts. that's -- >> jimmy: the driving scenes. >> mark vanselow's my guy. and they have a special terrific french guy that does all this crazy driving. >> jimmy: i mean the driving is pretty intense in this one especially, yeah. are you a good driver in general, or no? >> jimmy, i got my driving license when i was 30, 3-0, so -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what do you mean, really? how? >> i just was -- okay, i had done this film

called "excalibur" with helen mirren. >> jimmy: of course. [ cheers ] >> helen mirren. >> jimmy: i love hellen mirren. that's my girl. i love her. >> so, among many others, gabriel byrne. anyway, helen and i became -- pals. [ laughter ] and she gave me my first driving lessons, yeah. >> jimmy: she did? >> yeah. >> jimmy: she was like, what are you doing -- >> she said, drive me home. you know. but i don't -- okay. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, you're like, one day you're going to be the biggest action star in the world, you have to learn how to drive, yeah. have you ever been in any accidents or anything? >> no, i wasn't, jimmy. but in the year 2000, i was in a bad motorbike crash, i hit a a dear. >> jimmy: oh i remember this. i do remember this. >> yeah. >> jimmy: that was scary, huh? >> it was scary, it was. i mean i was -- >> jimmy: were you going fast? >> harley-davidson, i was like -- [ laughter ] 26 miles an hour. >> jimmy: that's not bad. >> i do remember, i remember looking at the gauge before the deer came out. 26 miles an hour. >> jimmy: did you bruise the dear at all?

[ laughter ] >> the deer kinda went, hey. >> jimmy: watch it, buddy, yeah. did you swerve or did anything happen? >> no, i did everything wrong. i hit the deer, and at one point the deer's front paws were over the handlebars. [ laughter ] i was like this, the deer's head was here. >> jimmy: so it was almost like the scene from "e.t." the deer's in the front, and you're cruising off in front of the moonlight. >> yeah. >> jimmy: with a deer head with the hooves. yeah. >> jimmy, i did everything wrong. i went off the side of the road, i thought it was a grassy berm, it was actually an embankment. i went down, i hit a tree. the bike broke in two. >> and anyway, eventually these fantastic paramedics arrived. >> jimmy: how did they know? >> well there was an old guy on a -- that i had overtaken at 26 miles an hour. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. >> but i had. >> jimmy: what was he driving? riding a bicycle? he was on a segway?

[ laughter ] you passed a gentleman on a a segway machine, yeah. and so then -- >> so any way. he'd, i'd overtaken him, he had come back, and he stopped and i said, oh, could you give me a a ride home, i was literally like a mile away. total shock, he said, "son, you stay where you are." anyway, the paramedics came. he called the paramedics. and they came and they were like, "hey mr. neeson, how many fingers have i got up." and i said 4. "we loved your last movie." oh, yeah, yeah. thanks. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: like that was "taken 2." yeah, yeah. we might do the third one. >> we might do the third one. and i had this beautiful harley-davidson leather jacket that steven spielberg bought me as a birthday gift. so i'm saying this, they're like four fingers, yeah, i'm answering all these questions to these fantastic people, and i hear this crunch behind me. and i see these big pliers, they're cutting the jacket off me. i could have easily gone, hey, guys, take it off. but they're culting it off. i'm like, oh no, what are you doing? steven spielberg gave me this. >> jimmy: yeah.

>> then they realized i was crazy, you know? "sure, steven spielberg gave you the jacket. yeah, yeah, yeah." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you're lucky to be alive, buddy, yeah. >> the jacket, i still have it, it's in two pieces. i keep it in order to show my sons, if they ever mention motorbikes, i'll say, "dude, over my dead body." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. don't let them do it. don't let them do it. good lesson. [ cheers and applause ] i'm happy you're here and happy you're alive. >> that's a long, long, long boring story. sorry guys. >> jimmy: no, it's a great one. what are you talking about? and so i think the last time i talked to you, it was around "taken 2." and i said, would you ever do "taken 3." and you go, "i don't think so." that was it. "taken 2." i think we summed it up. what can happen? is my daughter getting kidnapped again? that's bad parenting. >> i know. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: at that point it's bad parenting you said. but then, now they figured out how to do a third one. >> yeah, i said i wouldn't do it, if someone got taken. i mean it's insulting to the audience. we've done it twice. >> jimmy: no one gets taken. >> no one gets taken three times. >> jimmy: no.

but are you on a cell phone? you never have those -- there's probably one person that's been taken three times, like you got to be kidding me. now this is -- [ laughter ] i got to stop vacationing with this travel agent, this is terrible. [ laughter ] but are you -- >> i thought you were going to say, are you on a segway? >> jimmy: no, that scene got cut out. no, but are you on a cell phone, is what i'm going to say. >> yes. >> jimmy: yes! >> you have to. >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about. >> you have to have the cell phone. >> jimmy: i mean, do you realize that you've changed, you can't even talk on a cell phone now, because everyone's like "taken." oh my gosh. i will hunt you, i will kill you. i mean, you have to do, you have to do you. i mean that's like marlon brando putting like cotton in his lips. >> oh, i see. >> jimmy: you're like, just do the godfather, please. yeah. >> well when the first one came out, if i had 25 cents for every time i left a message for one of my sons friends, i'd be quite wealthy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. all right, good. i'm glad to know that, that you're on the cell phone again this movie. i want to show everyone a clip, it comes out this weekend. "taken 3." here's liam neeson hopefully on

a cell phone. here it is, take a look. [ phone ringing ] >> by now i'm sure you know who i am. you know what i'm capable of. [ applause ] >> i don't think anything. let me ask you something, just so i'm clear. c.i.a. operative, and is it sixth or is it seventh, what? >> all you have to know is i'm innocent. give me two days so i can prove it. i can find out who did it. >> you may very well be innocent mr. mills. but. that's the court's job to decide. it's not mine. my job is to bring you in and let the law take it's course. that's it. >> good luck. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah! "taken 3" this weekend liam neeson. more with liam when we come back. stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

left twix® is extra crisp so it stays crunchy when we apply caramel and chocolate. >>we went on a tour at right twix and they have the exact same thing. and up ahead, we have the left twix caramel stirrer, evenly distributing heat to... >>...to ensure consistent taste. right twix has the same thing. they have packing tape like that over at right twix? try both. pick a side. twix

you gotta see this.his. have you seen this? shhhhh! [giggling] oh, i can't wait to see this. you've got to hear this. [knocking] you gotta see this! i've seen it. i'm in love with it. what'd you see? what's it like? you need to see this. ♪ from big to small, amazing things happen with samsung. it's like you're getting away with something. ♪ priory "take the money and run" cover ♪ new crunchwrap sliders. crunchy fritos, craveable flavors, just for a buck. introducing the new degree dry spray.

48 hour superior antiperspirant protection that now goes on instantly dry for a cleaner feel. does your antiperspirant feel dry and clean like this? so you can do this. new degree dry spray, goes on instantly dry for a cleaner feel. [contain♪r door opening] what makes it an suv is what you can get into it. ♪ [container door closing] what makes it an nx is what you can get out of it. ♪ introducing the first-ever lexus nx turbo and hybrid. once you go beyond utility, there's no going back.

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we're here with liam neeson. he's a big movie star right there. "taken 3" is in theaters this friday. you gotta go check it out. now liam, you're known for playing very intense characters. you're obviously a very intimidating dude. but you know what, i bet i can take you in arm wrestle. [ cheers and applause ] [ laughter ] >> is that so? >> jimmy: yeah. i'm serious. i've been working out a lot lately. a little place you may have

heard of, curves gym. [ laughter ] i'm pretty sure i can beat you. but i gotta warn you, whenever i arm wrestle, i like to list all the things i'm gonna do after i win. >> that's interesting. because when i arm wrestle, i like to list all the things i'm going to do after i win. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right, it's on! let's do this right now! [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: after i win, i'm

going to get a tattoo on my lower back that says, "better ingredients, better pizza, papa johns." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> after i win, i'm going to find 100 jimmy fallon look-alikes, put them in a room together, and throw you the world's creepiest surprise party. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: after i win, i'm going to go to egypt, wait for a tour group to arrive, then walk out of a pyramid in my bathrobe, grab a newspaper, look at everybody and say, "get off my property you touristy bitches!" [ cheers and applause ] >> after i win, i'm going to pick up a phone like i do in the movie "taken" and say, "i will look for you, i will find you, and i will kill you." [ cheers and applause ] except this time, i'll be

talking to waldo. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: he's not even alive! after i win i'm gonna buy you a a 5,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. when you are done finishing it, when you finish it, it's just going to be a photo of me giving you the middle finger. [ laughter and applause ] >> that's fighting talk, jimmy! >> jimmy: i had to say it. >> after i win, i'm going to borrow your car, i'm gonna bring it back and i'm gonna tell you there's a leak in your gas tank. but it's not what you think, i actually pulled over and took a a leak in your gas tank. [ laughter and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: after i win, i'm going to go to starbucks and tell the barista my name is papa. [ light laughter ] so when my coffee is ready he'll be like, "papa, papa?

[ laughter and applause ] i don't have to do that. >> after i win, i'm going to officially change my name from liam neeson to dick rubnuts. >> jimmy: why? oh, wow! he did it! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: give it up for arm wrestling champion liam neeson! "taken 3" is in theaters everywhere this friday! fred armisen and carrie brownstein join us next. there they are, in the xbox green room. stick around. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ion? yeah, we help with fraud protection. we monitor every purchase every day and alert you if anything looks unusual.

wow! you're really looking out for us. we are. and if there are unauthorized purchases on your discover card, you're never held responsible. just to be clear, you are saying "frog protection" right? yeah, fraud protection. frog protection. fraud protection. frog. fraud. fro-g. frau-d. i think we're on the same page. we're totally on the same page. at discover, we treat you like you'd treat you. fraud protection. get it at discover.com you got a little something on the back of your shoe there. a price tag! danger! price tag alert! oh. hey, guys. price tag alert! is this normal? well, progressive is a price tag free zone. we let you tell us what you want to pay, and we help you find options to fit your budget. where are they taking him? i don't know. this seems excessive! decontamination in progress.

i don't want to tell you guys your job, but... policies without the price tags. now, that's progressive. [bassist] two late nights in blew an amp.but good nights. sure,music's why we do this,but it's still our business. we spend days booking gigs, then we've gotta put in the miles to get there. but it's not without its perks. like seeing our album sales go through the roof enough to finally start paying meg's little brother- i mean,our new tour manager-with real,actual money.

we run on quickbooks.that's how we own it. we went around the country, a ford. talking to people who made the switch to ford. it felt nicer than my bmw. good gas mileage... ecoboost makes a four cylinder engine feel like a six cylinder. my dad went and turned in his lexus and got the exact same car as me. he had to have it... i'm very happy with my escape. i don't know if i'll ever not buy a ford. make the switch to america's favorite brand. check out special offers on ford escape at ford.com or see your local ford dealer. ♪

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guests are the emmy nominated creators, writers and stars of the funny show "portlandia" which returns for its fifth season this

thursday at 10:00 p.m. on ifc. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome fred armisen and carrie brownstein. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: thank you for being here. welcome, welcome, welcome. fred, you look gorgeous. >> thank you. >> jimmy: you look beautiful in the beautiful dress. carrie, thank you for being here. >> thanks so much. thank you. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: now,

fred, you've been on the show before. >> yes. >> jimmy: carrie, this is your first time on "the tonight show" right? >> that's right. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, welcome. thank you for being here. fred, did you give carrie any tips on what to do when you're on the show? >> i did. carrie, when you're on the show, i'm a pro at this, i know these chairs, i know this couch, i know that desk, there it is, there's the pen, there's the cup, there's the laptop. there's the little keyboard. >> jimmy: you're just naming everything you're looking at. [ light laughter ] >> but it's all there. and when you do -- first of all, you always salute jimmy. a little one of these. and then, you don't have to stick to this, you can always use the space, you can be up here. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] there's this. you know. >> lie down. >> jimmy: you've never done that. >> there's this. >> jimmy: why would you do something like that? >> somebody asks you a a question, you can say, "what? oh, okay. that sounds great to me." and then this, and then this. that's what he likes. and then if he asks you anything -- this is true. come on, you know this is true. >> jimmy: i don't know that's true. >> of course you do. >> jimmy: no i don't. >> of course you do.

>> jimmy: i would never do that. [ laughter ] >> and if he asks you anything, ask him a question in return. you don't have to answer anything. [ laughter ] you don't have to answer anything. you can go like this, "i can ask you the same question." >> see, this is the thing. this is the same advice that fred gives for relationships. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's awful advice. [ applause ] if someone just told you that's what advice is, you give that in general. >> in general. >> for college applications. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: you ask the question back to the college. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you guys met because, what was it? an "snl" after party? >> yeah, i invited, i knew the drummer for sleater-kinney. and i invited her to come to the after party. and i wanted to goat them to come see the actual show, but they had to play. and that's where i met carrie. that's where i was wearing a a carrie brownstein pin. because i am a huge fan of sleater kinney. >> jimmy: was? >> i say was because i was, but i continue to be. [ light laughter ] so was and am. >> jimmy: interesting. >> it's both tenses.

it actually makes sense. >> jimmy: carrie, are you buying it? >> a little bit. i'm buying it a little bit. it's weird when you meet someone and they have a button with your face on it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that is a little odd. that never happened to me. obviously, yeah. but that's pretty cool. why did you do it? did you know you were going to meet carrie that night? >> no, it's just what i happened to be wearing. >> which is weirder. which is weirder. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's even weirder. >> yeah. >> jimmy: do you still have the pin? >> i do. i have all three. because it was every member of the band. >> jimmy: that's pretty cool man. awesome. and then you guys became friends or did you think that you were going to do comedy together? >> i think pretty instantly we became friends. >> jimmy: did you want to do a a musical? like a jointed, make it do a a band thing together? do a music thing together? because i know you're very musical. >> that's what i thought we were gonna do. but then we ended up making these little videos and then that turned into "portlandia." >> jimmy: gosh, i love "portlandia." it's such a fun show to watch. >> thank you. >> thank you. >> jimmy: thank you so much for making the show. it's so fun and refreshing and cool. i said last time, you were not here but fred was here, the

brunch episode. it goes up there with one of my favorite episodes. the online extended one with -- >> yeah. >> yes. >> jimmy: it's an extended documentary of how they made the choice to put what -- >> marionberry. >> jimmy: marionberry to put on the -- >> that's a real berry, by the way. >> jimmy: on the pancakes. is it a real berry? >> yeah. >> yeah. >> jimmy: is that right? >> it's a real thing. we're not lying. >> jimmy: i know. i wouldn't think that you are lying. but i'm so happy that you -- do people come up to you on the street, it's season 5 now. you've been doing this a long time. do they come up and they know you and they know the characters? you're uber famous after something different. not "saturday night live?" not sleater-kinney. >> yeah, they quote the show. it's very flattering. strange. >> i wasn't, this is a little unrelated, but i was in disneyland. and i -- [ laughter ] this family was like looking at me, they're from india, i gathered afterwards. [ light laughter ] and the dad comes up to me and he's like, i'm not going to do the accent. he says, "i think you're really great in 'honey i shrunk the kids.'" [ cheers and applause ] and this is recent. this is recent. >> jimmy: how recent?

>> no, it was this year. i don't know why he thought that was a new movie or if i'm from that time. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: interesting. well that's cool. you got a little rick moranis shout out. >> i said thank you. >> jimmy: talented guy, man. he acutally does music, too, rick moranis. you should do a bit with him. that would be kind of funny. does everyone have a favorite character, the librarians, i feel that's too big. that one would kinda take off. >> feminist book store one. >> jimmy: feminist book store. >> women and women first. [ cheers ] >> jimmy: they own a feminist book store. i'm laughing because i'm not sure this clip is very funny. this is how they meet. this season is a lot of these character's back stories. oh, my goodness, is this the silliest thing ever. they meet at a dance club. >> in the '90s. >> jimmy: in the 90's. a lot of great music in the '90s. a lot of great looks, hairstyles, pant suits. i don't know what -- >> they're business women. i want to show a clip. here's fred armisen and

carrie brownstein in the new season of "portlandia." take a look at this. ♪ >> oh, look. that's that toni girl. >> oh, there's candace. >> hi. we see you, you're making a a fool of yourself. pathetic, isn't she? >> probably on her fifth drink already. >> isn't that the worst? >> why don't you call her over? see if she can fall down on the floor. >> yeah. then she'll fall right down. candace! >> me? ♪ ♪ i've got the power yeah yeah yeah i've got the power yeah yeah yeah ♪ ♪ i've got the power whoa whoa whoa whoa ♪

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i mean -- [ cheers and applause ] fred armisen, carrie brownstein. the new season of "portlandia" premieres thursday at 10:00 p.m. on ifc. we'll have stand up from simon amstell next. come on back, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ people across america are taking advantage of sprint's cut your bill in half event. what's that in your hand? um... my at&t bill. my verizon bill. what's the monthly rate? $85 about $160 what if sprint could cut your rate plan in half? i... would love to cut that in half. and give you unlimited talk and text in the u.s., and match your data. that's incredible. bring in your verizon or at&t bill, turn in your old phone, and we'll cut your rate plan in half. visit us online or visit a sprint store today.

[ricon the other hand, the you affordable care act. and that leads to a lot of questions. like, what does the affordable care act have to do with my refund? or who can help me figure this out? we can. ♪"for the love of money" come in on thursday, january 8th, and our affordable care act specialists can tell you if your taxes could be affected. no appointment needed. no charge.

and why is he not sweating? he must be a secret agent. new axe dry spray. goes on dry and keeps you dry with no visible residue. the first ever dry spray antiperspirant from axe. ♪[carpenters: "rainy days and mondays"]♪

♪[ac/dc: "back in black"] ♪[ac/dc: "back in black"] chevy colorado when you find new roads, you win motor trend's truck of the year.

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest is an award-winning british comedian who is here tonight to kick off the u.s. tour of his new show entitled "to be free." please welcome simon amstell. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. gosh. [ cheers and applause ] wow. wow. this is -- it's too much, it's too much. i love america. [ cheers and applause ] yeah. i really, i really do. because every time i come here i feel so welcomed and safe. it's true. you guys, you really know how to treat white people. [ laughter ]

in england we have a queen. and, not in the past. right now. [ applause ] to me, what is fascinating about her is she is not embarrassed. she walks into rooms, people stand up, there are trumpets. i think if that was me i'd end up saying, "oh no you musn't, it's ridiculous." [ laughter ] she stands there and she thinks, "yes, this is appropriate. [ laughter and applause ] i was born." and it angers me that people love her and they're interested in the family, people love the queen. i think i preferred it when

people thought she murdered diana. [ laughter ] [ applause ] mixed reaction, some of you were right. i also feel worried for her, because she is a person in the world, and so there must be so much denial in her life. she must wake up every morning, passed some stools and then has to pretend that that has not happened. because if she's just a person who does that, those trumpets are going to start to sound sarcastic. [ laughter and applause ] i also can't quite believe that we still have sexism. first of all, there are so many women, but also we -- [ applause ] but it's where we all come from. i don't know -- when do we

begin to be sexist. are we there in the womb thinking, this is all very well, but i think my dad would do a better job? [ laughter and applause ] to emerge from this life giving, warm nurturing place, and then go, okay, thank you. set fire to that now. [ laughter ] but these things are so obvious, they shouldn't need to be discussed. homophobia. how can we still have homophobia when elton john wrote "the lion king." [ cheers and applause ] what does he have to do for you people. i imagine him sometimes thinking of retiring, because he must be exhausted. he's done so much and then his people come to him and say, "you can't, there is still intolerance." and he says, "okay, bring me

the piano." but we've already been told everything we need to know, and the people will not listen. the beatles, many years ago, told us, all you need is love. and they couldn't have made that message any more simple or catchy. all you need is love, all you need is love, all you need is love, love, love is all you need. [ cheers and applause ] and people like you said, "yeah we should have a mortgage." [ laughter ] sometimes i enjoy these bits more than anyone else. i don't know what needs to happen. all you need is love. but all we do is separate ourselves from each other. and it's because we're all ego maniacs who believe that we are the center of the universe. there are about 300 people in here right now, and each one of

you thinks that you're the important one. even though all the evidence points toward the fact that it's definitely me. [ laughter ] [ laughter and applause ] thank you very much. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: simon amstell, ladies and gentlemen. check out his show "to be free" out on tour this year all over the u.s. we'll be right back, everyone. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my thanks to liam neeson, fred armisen, carrie brownstein, simon amstell right here. and the roots, right there, ladies and gentlemen. stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great night. and i hope to see you tomorrow. bye-bye, everybody. thank you! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪