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tv   Late Night With Seth Meyers  NBC  September 21, 2017 12:37am-1:38am PDT

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>> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- bobby moynihan, from "battle of the sexes" tennis legend, billie jean king, featuring the 8g band with fred armisen. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> seth: good evening, i'm seth meyers this is "late night." how's everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] that is -- just wonderful to hear. in that case let's get to the news. president trump tweeted this morning quote, "big meetings today at the united nation, so many interesting leaders." while the united nations tweeted, "day two of this guy, buckle up everyone." [ laughter ]
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[ cheers and applause ] and they don't tweet a lot. first lady melania trump gave a speech at the u.n. today where she unveiled her halloween costume for this year, sexy grimace. [ cheers and applause ] during melania trump's u.n. speech today she spoke out against bullying, and then her husband took the stage to give the rebuttal. [ laughter and applause ] "it can be very helpful. it's a helpful tool for life." [ light laughter ] during the same speech melania trump encouraged the next generation to live by the golden rule. which i think she and donald take literally. [ laughter and applause ] several states are considering using paper ballots in the midst of concerns about russian interference in the 2016 election.
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also considering using a paper ballot, eric trump. [ laughter and applause ] "slide it under the door when you're done, father. father, i left you a note under the door. i forgot to put my name on it father. [ laughter ] i'll be out here." [ light laughter ] scientists had discovered that when male ducks congregate together their penises grow in length. unfortunately, it only works when you're also a duck. [ laughter and applause ] hillary clinton's new book "what happened" sold over 300,000 copies in its first week, making it the highest opening for a nonfiction release in five years. though, personally i'd rather read this version.
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[ laughter and applause ] just write it. write it. federal prosecutors have reportedly recommended disgraced former congressman anthony weiner serve a two year prison sentence for sexting with an underage girl. "why not make it life?" said an unidentified juror. [ cheers and applause ] a leader of a polygamist sect in salt lake city plead guilty today to food stamp fraud as he was taken into custody, he said, "don't wait for me honey, you either, or you, you too. [ audience aws ] or you, you're my favorite, you're my favorite." [ light laughter ] and finally, in a new interview, former secretary of state john kerry did not rule out running for president in 2020 because who better to lose to our worst president, then the guy who lost to our old worst president. [ laughter and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a
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fantastic show for you tonight. he's my old friend, he's starring in a very funny new show, on cbs "me, myself and i," bobby moynihan, everyone. [ cheers and applause ] the great bobby moynihan. and man, it is always fun when you have a legend stop by your show. we have that tonight. she's a ground breaking tennis champion, and the subject of the new film, "battle of the sexes." billie jean king is here, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] so, we've got a lot to talk about tonight. but, before we get to that, here at "late night" every night, i deliver a monologue comprised of jokes written by a diverse team of writers. as a result a lot of jokes come across my desk that, due to my being a straight white male, would be difficult for me to deliver. but we don't think that should stop you from enjoying them, so we'd like to share them with you now in a segment we call, "jokes seth can't tell." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: these are two of our writers everybody. that's amber and that's jenny.
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>> i'm black. >> and i'm gay. >> and we're both women. >> seth: and i'm not. [ light laughter ] so here's how this works. i'll read the setups for these jokes and amber and jenny will read the punch lines, here goes. starbucks recently hired its first black female c.o.o. >> or as her coworkers call her, venti cocoa mochaccino. [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: it was announced recently that the upcoming lesbian reboot of the show, "xena: warrior princess" has been canceled. >> so if you want to watch a show for lesbians you'll have to watch "monday night football." [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: oh dear -- and jenny -- jenny, do you like football? >> no, if i want to see someone wearing a bunch of pads i'll go to a natalie merchant concert during a full moon. [ laughter and applause ] >> whose natalie merchant? >> seth: oh, i can take this. she's who you played when you wanted to make out with a girl in 1993. >> did it work? >> yes. >> seth: yes. [ laughter ] former white house communications director anthony scaramucci reportedly
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has a minority stake in the new york mets. >> coincidentally, minority steak is what donald trump calls barbecued ribs. [ audience oohs ] [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: san francisco was recently named the most popular destination for gay people. >> while the most popular destination for closeted gay people is the vatican. >> seth: oh. [ audience gasps ] [ applause ] i -- i didn't know )uá. >> it's true. hey, seth, you know what lesbians and nuns have in common? >> seth: what? >> they're lesbians. >> seth: huh. [ light laughter ] a rare white lobster was caught recently in the gulf of maine. >> but since it was white, it got to live. [ audience gasps ] [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: several conservatives have suggested that hurricane harvey was god's punishment for houston electing a lesbian mayor.
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>> that's ridiculous. if god wanted to punish a lesbian he'd make her a bridesmaid. [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: a university of memphis police officer is suing the school for reverse discrimination. >> reverse discrimination is like regular discrimination, except it doesn't exist. [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: a group of parents in an alabama school recently started a petition to have the rainbow flag outside a teacher's classroom taken down, saying it's the same as the confederate flag. >> and it is, except the gays won. [ cheers and applause ] oh! oh! baby! >> hey, seth, why don't you tell one? >> seth: no i couldn't, you guys. >> oh come on, just one. >> seth: no, i feel like if i do i'll get in trouble, and it won't end well. >> please, seth, please. >> come on, buddy. >> yeah! >> do it! >> do it! >> do it! >> seth! >> do it! >> seth: okay!
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[ cheers and applause ] they're so behind me i'll never lose them. [ laughter ] today was national scotch day. "i'll have two fingers," said lesbians. [ audience gasps ] >> seth, no! >> seth: where did all the applause go? [ light laughter ] >> seth! >> seth: you told me it would be okay. >> very bad. >> seth: okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait i'm sorry. let me try another one. >> okay. [ light laughter ] >> new york's lincoln center recently hosted a national double dutch competition and the winner was, i'm guessing, black. [ light laughter ] >> how dare you? >> you should be ashamed of yourself. >> seth: well, were they? >> yes, they were. >> seth: okay. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with more "late night" everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ oh, you brought butch.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. please give it up to the 8g band right over there. [ cheers and applause ] also i've been so excited this week, back with us on the drums, fred armisen, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] and fred, very exciting, you are in the new lego movie, "lego ninjago." >> fred: yeah. >> seth: and this is -- they've given me a lego of your character, that's cole. [ light laughter ]
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and that seems like a perfect lego for you to be the voice of. >> fred: yeah, little boom box. >> seth: little boom box. >> fred: yeah. >> seth: that's fantastic. and i'm just so impressed, because you do so many things. and considering how many things you do, it strikes me as strange, because i think you also make up things that you haven't actually done. [ light laughter ] you know, i feel like that's what you do. [ laughter ] i feel like you do that, and then you try to impress people and people would be impressed enough with your actual accomplishments. >> fred: uh-huh. [ laughter ] >> seth: like, for example, anyone who lives in new york right now knows that because the u.n.'s in session and donald trump being here, there's been terrible traffic. and i heard you backstage telling people you've invented a new way for people to get around when there's traffic in new york. >> fred: yes. so, um, i've been sort of helping sell these plastic taxis that are the same size as taxis, and they look really realistic, but you can use them on the sidewalks. [ light laughter ] so -- >> seth: because they're plastic, it's okay to have a full taxi on the sidewalk? [ light laughter ] >> fred: yes. you can get away with it.
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so, they're hollow, you can have a driver in it. and, you know, you just run up on to the sidewalk. [ light laughter ] you can't take any fares. you can't get any one on there. but you can rush -- you can actually get through the whole city really, really fast. it's got wheels. >> seth: does it have an engine? is it an actual -- >> fred: it has a motor. >> seth: okay. >> fred: it has a -- it's a plastic engine. [ light laughter ] and it's -- it's almost like a bicycle in a way. so it's a little bigger than a taxi and you just go on the sidewalk -- >> seth: wait. it's bigger than a taxi? [ laughter ] >> fred: fairly. fairly larger than a taxi. >> seth: how many times bigger than a regular-sized taxi? >> fred: i want to say twice as big. >> seth: okay. [ light laughter ] and it fits on the sidewalk? >> fred: yeah -- ish. [ light laughter ] it basically fits on the sidewalk. >> seth: okay, if i'm walking on the sidewalk and one of your plastic taxis comes up, am i happy or sad? >> fred: you want to move out of the way. >> seth: okay. [ laughter ] >> fred: so you can just get uptown, down -- you want to go east side, west side -- >> seth: i know the directions, yeah. >> fred: okay. [ light laughter ] central park, you know, greenwich village -- >> seth: okay, we don't have to keep doing places in new york.
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>> fred: okay. >> seth: what is it called, this service? >> fred: it's called the ambulance factory. [ light laughter ] >> seth: that's a terrible name. give it up for fred armisen, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] moving on, republican california congressman dana rohrabacher has been staunchly defending the russian government against accusations they meddled in our election. in fact, he believes the entire trump-russia story is a farce. so what makes him so sure? also, who the hell is dana rohrabacher? it's time for "the check-in." ♪ [ ding ding ] [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: now, you may have heard the news that congressman rohrabacher recently met with wikileaks founder julian assange. and then he reportedly tried to negotiate a deal with the white house to pardon assange in exchange for wikileaks handing over alleged evidence that would show that russia was not behind the hacked dnc e-mails. so why is rohrabacher taking this controversial stance? well, he's been in congress since the late 1980s and has developed a reputation for being the most russia-friendly lawmaker, earning him the nickname "putin's favorite congressman."
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although, i can't think of anything more haunting than vladimir putin saying "you are my favorite." [ light laughter ] rohrabacher's fascination with russia began early on and in a very strange way. in the late 1980s, he briefly went to afghanistan to spend time with local militants -- the mujahideen -- and their fight against the soviets. yes, that is actually him right there. rohrabacher has said it was there he realized his fight was against communism, not the russians who he came to admire. according to reports at the time, rohrabacher also got to know russian officials, including a then little know deputy mayor of st. petersburg by the name of vladimir putin. rohrabacher claims to have lost a drunken arm-wrestling match to putin in the early '90s at a bar in downtown washington after a game of touch football. that sounds like the beginning of a weekend that ends with "let's never speak of this again." [ light laughter ] rohrabacher was apparently so russia friendly, that in 2012 -- according to reports -- fbi agents sat him down in the capitol and warned him that a russian spy was trying to
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recruit him as an agent of influence. and if you're a russian spy, rohrabacher does seem to be the perfect person to recruit. he's a senior member of the house committee on foreign affairs who consistently defends russia in congress. and, of course, he's convinced that the russia-trump story is all a fabrication. but before we take his word for it, let's look at what he believes about other things, like science. >> you know, half the world -- i don't know if you know this. half the world, when they look at the moon, they see a man in the moon. but the other half of the world sees what? a rabbit in the moon. again, i think the moon is close by and whatever we can actually get -- benefit out of going back there, we should. >> we don't know what those other cycles were caused by in the past. could be dinosaur flatulence, you know. or who knows? [ light laughter ] and what happened when the co2 was greater since then and now -- there's been many cycles of up and down warming. so with that said, i think that
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we -- we've had a great discussion today. >> seth: you've had a great discussion. [ light laughter ] you just basically suggested global warming was caused by dinosaur farts. [ laughter ] now that clip was from 2007, and rohrabacher later said that he was joking when he made that comment. but it doesn't look like he's changed his mind since then in terms of his skepticism about whether carbon dioxide is bad for human health. which earned him this response from a democratic congressman. >> regarding my friend from california in what he just said, if he thinks that carbon dioxide doesn't cause any human health problems, i invite him to put a plastic bag over his head and tie it tightly around his neck and see what happens next. [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: now -- now a part of me thinks that rohrabacher may have already tried that. [ light laughter ] because it would help to explain this impromptu jam session he engaged reporters in during a tour of his office back in 2011. >> over the years i've written a lot of songs that are sort of --
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sort of political songs. you know, the sort of patriotic things and things like that. ♪ god bless america god bless our freedom and god bless the people who work every day ♪ ♪ god bless us all god bless america the freest land of all ♪ there you go. [ light laughter ] >> seth: would you believe he's only had negative 30 lessons? [ laughter ] look for that song on rohrabacher's album, "bumper stickers i saw at costco." [ laughter and applause ] seriously -- what is this guy smoking? well, funny i should ask. >> now, don't tell anybody i broke the law. [ light laughter ] actually, you know -- they'll bust down my door. you know, and take whatever's inside and use it for evidence
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against me. there's definitely cannabis in there, and it makes sure that i can sleep now. >> seth: so much for the theory that weed helps you write great music. [ light laughter ] now rohrabacher was speaking to a group of marijuana advocates there, explaining that he had turned to medical marijuana to help with his arthritis pain. and although it's legal in the state he represents, his outright admission was significant, because according to one close observer it marks the first time in at least several decades that a sitting u.s. congressman has admitted to marijuana use while in office. so he's a weed loving, pro-russia guitar player. he's basically the guy who ruined every party i went to in college. [ laughter ] rohrabacher seems to be blazing his own trail when it comes to more than just marijuana, specifically when it comes to his dealings with russian officials and lobbyists. in fact, his story keeps overlapping with many of the key players in the current russia investigation. as the "l.a. times" reported, when former campaign manager and current target of the mueller investigation, paul manafort,
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was working on behalf of a pro-russian ukrainian political party in 2013, he met with just one u.s. politician -- rohrabacher. in what rohrabacher described as "a nice little dinner." somehow "nice little dinner" with paul manafort seems like mafia slang. take him out for a nice little dinner -- somewhere by the river. [ light laughter ] and manafort's certainly not the only connection here. according to other reports, in april of last year, rohrabacher traveled to moscow and met with the same russian lawyer and lobbyist who we now know were at donald trump jr.'s infamous meeting with jared kushner and paul manafort at trump tower last summer. between that meeting, manafort, and his defense of assange, even some members of rohrabacher's own party are wondering who he's really working for. >> behind closed doors, house majority leader kevin mccarthy joked, quote, "there's two people i think putin pays: rohrabacher and trump." >> um -- >> when the comment came to light, mccarthy dismissed it as a joke. >> seth: and of course it's a joke. there have to be at least 12 more people on putin's payroll. [ light laughter ] jokes aside, the congressman
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should probably rely to u.s. intelligence agencies to do their job without his interference. because we all want america to remain -- what's the phrase i'm looking for? ♪ the freest land of all [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: this has been "the check-in." ♪ [ ding ding ] we'll be right back with bobby moynihan, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ "more more more" by dagny ] ♪ more, more, more
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: you know our first guest tonight from his nine seasons on "saturday night live." he stars in the new comedy series "me, myself and i", which premieres monday night on cbs. please welcome back to the show, our very good friend, bobby moynihan, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> seth: how are you, bobby? >> good. doing well. >> seth: well, congratulations on your show, but also congratulations on becoming a father a few months ago. >> what? what? it happened? >> seth: you didn't know that --
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>> yay! >> seth: yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you so much. thank you. >> seth: we were talking backstage. so far so good? you're enjoying it, so far? >> yeah, it's the best. it's the best. if you could do it, you should try it. you have. >> seth: i did. >> you did it, great. [ light laughter ] >> seth: and i -- we did something very similar, which is, we waited until we were done with snl to have children. >> that's the only way to do it. >> seth: it kind of, is the only way to do it. you had your final show. congratulations. >> thank you so much. >> seth: it was an incredible season and -- [ applause ] this is -- this is how you left the stage on your final show on the shoulders of tom hanks and alec baldwin. >> oh, look at that little chubby 15-year-old face. i'm so happy. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] and where was it? was the culmination of the year -- were you satisfied? did you feel good walking off that stage for the last time? >> i did. i did. i had such an amazing time there and then i was -- i got super sick on the last day, and it was crazy. but that -- that moment right there -- we were just standing there and then all of a sudden, tom hanks started whispering to alec, and they started coming towards me. and i'm like, "what -- what's about to happen right now?" [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah.
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>> and then there's -- what you don't see is kenen thompson and pete also behind there. they're not -- i'm a heavy dude. they -- [ laughter ] but they went for it. and alec very tenderly holding my shoe. >> seth: yeah, alec is doing by far, the least amount of work. >> the least amount of work. >> seth: look at that, just like -- [ laughter ] i'll take his foot. >> but -- but looks the saddest. >> seth: yeah. [ light laughter ] it was you -- you had an incredible arc, in your time in the show. which is -- you started in 2008. >> yeah. >> seth: which was, until this year, the craziest political year the show ever had. >> yeah. >> seth: it was the sarah palin year. >> my first episode was the first time tina did sarah palin. >> seth: which is crazy. >> yeah. >> seth: and then this year. did -- the show won an emmy this year. congratulations on that. >> thank you, thank you. yeah, yeah, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: was -- >> i don't think i'd get one. i want one. >> seth: no, you don't. you definitely don't -- >> gimme one. >> seth: you don't get one. >> i want one though. [ light laughter ] >> seth: no, they gave one -- >> i'm taking this tehn. >> seth: okay, you can take that. will you -- will you miss pitching on monday? will you miss -- >> no. >> seth: did you hate -- >> no, no. pitch was the worst for me. everything else was wonderful. no, i still wake up with dumb ideas and go like, "nope, nope." [ light laughter ] >> seth: what do you have --
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were there any things that you pitched that you look back and wish you'd actually been able to get on the show? >> of course. right as i left, right as i was leaving, i pitched "rupaul's drag race junior." >> seth: uh-huh. [ laughter ] that seems like -- that's a perfectly viable sketch. >> i think so. i think that's right in the tender one wheel house. >> seth: yeah. >> i wish that one would have made it. and a very early one. i think i did it in my first year, was tall napoleon. >> seth: tall napoleon? >> yeah. [ light laughter ] just thought he wouldn't -- he wouldn't be that mad if he was tall. >> seth: oh. [ laughter ] so just sort of -- >> i didn't really have a sketch. i just had a theme song, which was, ♪ he's tall tall napoleon he's not small. any more-leon ♪ >> seth: that seems weird. that seems like right up lauren's alley. >> yeah. [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: this was the year i feel like a lot of people, the show got a lot of attention for its political stuff. there were some other sketches that were fantastic, that had nothing to do with politics. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> seth: you were behind with
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others, i think the most memorable sketch this year, which was tom hanks's david s. pumpkins. >> oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. >> seth: david s. pumpkins. there he is, right there. [ cheers and applause ] and it's not -- i will say, watching it, you know, as someone who wrote for the show, sometimes you see sketches, and you think, "oh, i wish i had come up with that." that is not what i thought. [ laughter ] no mostly just -- i just couldn't even imagine like, anything firing to ever bring me to this conclusion of a sketch. how did you come up -- >> how we got there is truly bizarre. mikey day and streeter seidell. i wrote it with those guys. >> seth: two fantastic writers. >> oh, the best. mikey's a genius. mikey's a very, very smart, smart guy but we were watching that video of the little -- there's a video of a indian guy dancing around and every once in a while he stops and the music stops. and we thought that was really fun. and we were like, "let's write something where we're dancing and then it was halloween and we said, "there's no santa claus for halloween." so we just tried to -- we're like, "okay, so if we make this guy whose like a -- and we're his side dancer. [ laughter ]e and then mikey was like, "how about david
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pumpkins?" i said, "how about david s. pumpkins?" [ light laughter ] the rest is history. >> seth: it really is. [ cheers and applause ] >> tom hanks -- tom hanks in between dress and air, not a fan of the sketch. thought it was very bizarre, in between dress and air was like, "hey i think chris hemsworth would make a great david pumpkins. >> seth: oh. >> he was hosting the next week. >> seth: the next host. yeah. but now -- >> but now he's very happy with it. yeah, yeah, yeah. >> seth: yeah. and this is -- how did you find the costume for david s. pumpkins? was that built by the -- >> we purposely went and we were like, we just a 12.99 suit from party city, i think. >> seth: wow. >> it was just like, we went for -- they got their costumes at party city as well. >> seth: and then pretty quickly, this became -- i feel like people dressed up already this halloween as david s. pumpkin. >> the next -- the next day there was like a new york comic-con or some comic-con somewhere, and there was a bunch of david pumpkins and skeletons everywhere. and there's always one skinny one and one fat one. no matter what. [ laughter ] >> seth: really? >> yeah. >> seth: that's fantastic. i feel like there are like,
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pairs of friends that saw that and said, "this is what we're going to do." >> it's two nerds going, "we gotta find a skinny guy." [ laughter ] >> seth: find two skinny guys and we'll do it twice. i want to ask as well about this, 'cause this is mind blowing to me. >> yeah. that's a real -- >> seth: because obviously, this is a crazy year. donald trump is president, but also -- [ laughter ] >> nice one. >> seth: he -- he was on the show, but you have a connection with him. this is a true story. >> this is a very true story. >> seth: i would not believe this if there wasn't -- >> he is my father. >> seth: if -- yeah. [ laughter ] i have right here, i have a paternity test that i'm about to show the audience. >> that's what it is. it's an ultrasound, orange ultrasound. >> seth: you went to jury duty. you went to jury duty. >> i got called in for jury duty. i had postponed it a couple of times and this was the last time so i had to go. >> seth: and he was there. >> he was there. when i show -- when i showed up there was all these things there. i'm like, "am i about to go on like a murder trial? what's happening?" and this happened. >> seth: there he is. look at him. i mean, that's definitely him. >> i took a little creeper photo.
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[ laughter ] and that's him. he specifically asked to sit between those two ladies. got his picture taken. [ laughter ] got his picture taken, and then got up and left. >> seth: oh, he didn't stay. did he -- >> oh, no. he was there for maybe a half an hour. as long as it took to take the pictures. >> seth: got it. >> make a couple weird jokes. he saw -- me and said hello. >> seth: 'cause i was going to say, like the fact that he went to jury duty, if he had actually gone and done the whole thing, i'd be like, "i don't care if he [ bleep ] pays his taxes. [ laughter ] like, that's more impressive to me than that. but you're just saying it was photo op city. >> i believe it was the week he announced that he was running for president. >> seth: got it. >> a couple days later. so he -- i think he felt he had to be there. >> seth: and they were like, yeah, he basically said to the judge. he's like, is there any reason you can't serve on the jury? he's like, "i'm going to be president." [ laughter ] >> "going to be president, it's going to be great." [ laughter ] god, i never -- i should've done trump. >> seth: you would've been a good trump. this is very exciting, your show, "me, myself and i." >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> seth: th/
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we apologize." i was like, "this is like a half day for me." [ laughter ] this is the easiest schedule in the world. i was like, no, it's the best, yeah. >> seth: you also had this -- one of the highlights of your life, you got to work with some people that you're very -- i don't even know, is people the right term? probably not. >> i keep saying it was the best weekend of my life, and then i remember i had a daughter. >> seth: yeah. like, not that far ago. [ laughter ] but it really was -- it really was the best weekend of my life. >> seth: you did the muppets at hollywood bowl. >> i did. >> seth: and you got to work with the muppets. >> i got to host "the muppet show," live at the hollywood bowl. >> seth: there you go. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: how was it outstanding?
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>> it was, man. those guys are so insanely talented, and it's so hard to do that and do everything, but to do it on stage at the hollywood bowl and like -- it was truly amazing. it was the best, it was the best. i got to sing "rainbow connection" with kermit and paul williams. [ audience aws ] >> seth: oh, that's fantastic. if you're going to sing it with anyone, those are the guys. >> correct, correct, yeah. [ light laughter ] >> seth: well, congratulations. congratulations on everything. thanks so much for being here. [ cheers and applause ] father of the show. >> yeah. >> jimmy: always great to see you, bobby. >> thank you so much. >> seth: bobby moynihan, everybody. "me, myself and i" premieres monday night on cbs. we'll be right back with more "late night" [ cheers and applause ] ♪ marcopolo! marco...! polo! marco...! polo! marco...! polo! marco...! sì? polo! marco...! polo! scusa? ma io sono marco polo, ma... marco...! playing "marco polo" with marco polo? surprising. ragazzini, io sono marco polo. sì, sono qui...
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. i saw something on the news recently that, well, frankly it troubled me. nintendo announced recently that the videogame character, mario, is no longer a plumber. yeah. no longer a plumber. and hearing things like this always get me to thinking, you know, i'm getting older and sometimes i look around me and i don't even recognize the world i'm living in. [ light laughter ]
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things are changing every day and not always for the better. and it's times like these that i like to take a moment to talk about how things were just a bit more simple -- a bit more simple, back in my day. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: so now our favorite videogame character is out of a job. well, gee, back in my day, we just assumed mario didn't have a real job, because the kid in my class who ate mushrooms and kicked turtles didn't have a job either. [ laughter ] back in my day, there were no solar eclipses. no, sir. if you wanted to be profoundly disappointed by something in the sky, you had to fly spirit airlines. [ light laughter ] back in my day, we weren't worried about the equifax data breach. nope. we had enough data breaches to worry about, like yahoo or target or anthem or jp morgan chase or ebay or home depot or adobe. [ light laughter ]
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who do you think is going to be hacked next, rusty? [ bark ] gogo inflight wireless!? [ barking ] [ light laughter ] back in my day, we didn't have the apple watch. but come to think of it, nobody has an apple watch now either. [ laughter and applause ] guess some things never change. [ coughing ] [ light laughter ] back in my day, we didn't have congressman looking at porn on their phone like ted cruz. codswallop! back in my day, if a congressman wanted an inappropriate picture on their phone, they had the gumption and wherewithal to take it themselves like, anthony weiner. [ light laughter ] back in my day, your iphone couldn't recognize your face. nope. if you wanted your face to be recognized, you had to spend hours wondering around a walgreen's until finally someone said, "hey, aren't you seth meyers?"
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[ light laughter ] and you screamed back at them, "leave me alone! i'm trying to shop in peace!" [ laughter ] back in my day, when we had hurricanes, kanye west would go on television and tell people that the president doesn't care about black people. nowadays we don't need to hear that kind of thing, because we already know our president doesn't care about black people. [ cheers and applause ] heck, he ran on it, right, rusty? [ bark ] oh, right. mexicans too. [ light laughter ] back in my day, we didn't have a virtual assistant named alexa. we had a real assistant named alexa. and she was always late and usually hungover. now, this new alexa can do things like tell you the weather and play the gin blossoms. if you told the old alexa to play the gin blossoms, she'd just sing it the best she could. which, honestly, was awful. don't believe me? hey, alexa, play gin blossoms.
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♪ tomorrow we can drive around this town let the cops chase us around ♪ [ mumbling ] ♪ might be found to take it's place hey, jealousy ♪ [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: that was great, alexa. >> i want friday off. >> seth: you don't work here anymore. >> you don't work here anymore. [ light laughter ] [ applause ] >> seth: back in my day, we didn't have gender reveal parties. fiddle sticks! back then, we'd just wait until the child was born and take a gander at its crotch. [ light laughter ] it was always around this time someone would say something like, "seth meyers, what are you doing in here? this is a private hospital room." and i'd just tip my hat and i'd say, "well, i'm looking for the nearest walgreen's." [ laughter ]
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well, i'm sorry i had to do that. [ cheers and applause ] but sometimes this grumpy gramps gotta get his gripe on. this has been "back in my day." we'll be right back, everybody, with billie jean king. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ it all started when sophia stopped into marshalls and found a mug for surprisingly little green. she paired that with some succulents. and suddenly something clicked. that surprise led to a stylish wood mirror, soothing lavender oils, a party llama... or is that an alpaca? super soft towels, and an enchanting vase that magically tied it all together. she arranged it all into the greatest guest bathroom ever. did sophia expect to get so much bang for so few bucks? no. but great things happen when you choose surprise. marshalls. your surprise is waiting. but great things happen when you choose surprise. dude. yodude.unching's sthey're just jealous.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: with 39 grand slam titles, our next guest is one of the greatest tennis players of all time. her iconic match against bobby riggs 44 years ago today, is the subject of the film "battle of the sexes", which is in select theater friday and everywhere september 29th. let's take a look. >> pretty soon, us fellas aren't gonna be able to go to a ball game. we're not going to be able to go fishing. we're not going to be able to stop and have a drink after work, and that's what this whole women's lib thing is about. and it's got to stop, and bobby riggs is the man to stop it. ladies and gentlemen, this is custer's last stand. this is the leaver versus the lever. [ laughter ] >> keep talking, bobby. the more nonsense you spout, the worse it's gonna be when you lose. >> seth: please welcome to the show billie jean king, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ >> seth: welcome to the show. >> i see fred over there. boom. >> seth: you -- i was very -- fred was very excited you were here tonight. >> i'm excited. he's in the movie, "battle of the sexes." >> seth: there you go. and this is very exciting. [ cheers and applause ] we -- we can tell from the clip. emma stone plays you in the film. here's a shot. you guys were actually watching tennis together. >> i know, scary, isn't it? >> seth: well i wanted to ask, are you, because of your history and because of you being this legendary ten -- are you fun to watch tennis with? >> terrible. >> seth: really? [ light laughter ] >> absolutely terrible. >> seth: why are you bad? >> 'cause i kind of commentate. you know, i don't have any filter. so, i like commentate the whole time i'm running. and i said to emma -- there's an empty seat over here. let me go over there and sit so you don't have to listen to me. [ laughter ] and she goes, "oh no. oh no. i want you right here.
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i want you to talk to me right in my ear, 'cause i don't know that much, and i want you to sit right here." poor thing. afterwards, i think she went, "oh, i should've let her sit over there." [ laughter ] >> seth: now one of the things you believe about tennis is being a tennis player, is it's not just, sort of the athletic skill, the technical skill, that one of the things you have to do is be an entertainer. >> that's what we are. >> seth: yeah. >> you know that tennis court, that's our stage, just like in theater or what you're doing here, this is your stage. now i always thought of it as our stage and our job -- it's about the audience. if you give a speech, or what you do, it's about you guys, it's about the audience. my job is to connect with them. and so when they go home at night and they go, "god, it was unbelievable." they connected. they want to go back. let's go back and watch again. >> seth: and so you were very -- you were thinking about that on the court? >> oh, always. >> seth: that's fantastic. >> when i was young. oh yeah, i love it. i love movies, love theater, love dance. i love -- >> seth: and were there -- could you feel when you had the audience in the palm of your hand, while you were out on the court? >> i never felt i ever had them in my palm of my hand, but i felt like we were connecting. >> seth: connecting's good. >> you know, like sitting next to me going, "can you believe this?
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this is unbelievable." >> seth: and when you decided to do this match against bobby riggs, what were you setting out to accomplish? because i think as soon as you took it on, a lot of people put a lot of things on you, as far as what they thought you were trying to accomplish. what was your main thrust of your plan there? >> well it was all about social change, trying to fight for equality and freedom for everyone. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. thank you. they didn't -- they didn't hold up applause, did they? >> seth: no, no, we don't even have one of those, yeah. >> i'm kidding. i'm kidding, i'm kidding. no, because i understood it was about social change. because when i was 12 i had an epiphany, and i played tennis one year and i wanted to be number one when i was 11, but at 12 i was daydreaming at the los angeles tennis club. and i noticed everybody who played had white shoes, white socks white clothes, played with
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white balls, and everybody who played was white. and i asked the question, "where's everybody else?" and that was my moment of truth for my life and, you know, i just knew it. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: and are you -- do you feel good about where tennis is as a sport right now when you look out? when you watch the u.s. open this year? >> that's not the right question to ask. >> seth: okay. >> you know why? >> seth: why? >> i'm such a pain. >> seth: oh yeah? >> i'm a total pain in the backside and i totally am a perfectionist, so it always can be better. >> seth: okay, well that's good. i think that's a good way to look at everything right now, is that it could be better. >> yeah, i'm always that way. >> seth: we can't be satisfied. >> you think? it could be better. >> seth: yeah, i think so, i think we agree on that. i want to ask about this as well. president obama, he named you as one of the two openly gay delegates to go to the sochi olympics, and then he gave you a medal of freedom. what was your -- what was it like to meet president obama? >> it was amazing. receiving the presidential medal of freedom, first of all, it's the first time a president's ever mentioned the lgbtq community and sexual preference, and i really had an honor to receive the presidential medal of freedom with also harvey milk posthumously.
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his nephew received it. he was there. so that was a first ever. also i was the first woman athlete to ever -- to receive it, which was good news-bad news, because there's so many women that came before me that deserve it like althea gibson, babe dedrickson. there's so many that deserve it. so many male athletes have been honored. so i really hope that shifts, but to be -- i love -- he understands me. and he saw the match the "battle of the sexes" when he was 12 and when i first met him when we went into the oval office, i'm like -- like it's him. [ laughter ] you know how they have the two chairs everybody sits in so they can get all the photos? >> seth: yeah. >> oh, no. i went over and i sat like this on the sofa. and he's looking at me like, "what are you over there for?" and i'm like, "eee." [ laughter ] so we never had a photo and i knew he put it in the back of my mind. so as soon as we got up to leave, he goes, "let's have a photo." the photographer's there constantly, but i just felt so -- i don't know, i was just kind of overwhelmed with the whole occasion. but he said, you know, i saw the match when i was 12 and now that
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i have two daughters it really -- it changed my life. and i get these stories from the men all the time, now they have daughters. and sometimes they don't have to have daughters to change how their perception, how they're going to look at women, how they're gonna treat women. have more respect. but women come up to me, and they just have -- they just gain so much confidence and they felt so empowered, and they asked for a raise the next day. they'd been waiting ten years to have the guts to ask, 'cause girls are taught not to ask what we want and need. can't do that. so it was like, and i said, "more importantly, did you get the raise?" >> seth: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> and you know what? every single one of them told me yes. >> seth: oh, well that's fantastic. >> it's amazing. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: well -- thank you for everything that you've done. thank you for everything you continue to do. >> thank you. >> seth: what an honor to have you here tonight. billie jean king, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] "battle of the sexes" is in select theaters friday, and everywhere september 29th. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: my thanks to bobby moynihan, billie jean king, everybody! fred armisen, 8g band. stay tuned for carson daly. we'll see you tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> carson: hey there, guys and gals! this is the lovely hilton hotel in universal city, our home for tonight's "last call." i'm carson, thanks for being here

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