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tv   Late Night With Seth Meyers  NBC  January 25, 2018 12:37am-1:38am PST

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- jim gaffigan. from "the van jones show," political commentator van jones. comedian josh gondelman. featuring the 8g band with brann dailor. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> seth: good evening, everyone. i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] that is great to hear. in that case, let's get to the news. press secretary sarah huckabee sanders said yesterday that the white house wants to see the russia investigation come to a complete and full conclusion. "uh, no, you don't," replied robert mueller. [ light laughter ]
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according to nbc news, special counsel robert mueller's team is expected to interview former white house strategist steve bannon by the end of the month. they'd do it sooner but they need to get their vaccines first. [ laughter ] according to sources, president trump will nominate his tax lawyer to be the new irs commissioner. and i actually -- [ laughter ] i actually think we have a photo of donald trump's tax lawyer. [ laughter and applause ] "shreddy. shreddy is going to do a great job." [ applause ] many are claiming that by announcing on their wedding anniversary that she will not travel with president trump to switzerland this week, first lady melania may be trying to send a subliminal message to trump. subliminal? [ laughter ] look at her face. that's about as liminal as it gets. [ laughter ] that's full liminal. [ light laughter ]
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democratic senator tammy duckworth this april will become the first sitting senator to give birth while in office. so, get -- yeah, give it up. [ cheers and applause ] fantastic. so get ready for the baby's first words to be, gah! [ laughter ] after the passage of the republican tax bill, starbucks has announced that it will be offering new benefits for its employees. but sadly one of them isn't spelling lessons. [ laughter ] it's close. it's close. pop icon elton john announced today that he will retire from touring after being on the road for nearly 50 years. said mike pence, "how nice for his wife. [ laughter ] what? that elton john? for how long? forever?" [ laughter ] a car insurance company has
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admitted to increasing premiums for customers with hotmail e-mail addresses. claiming they're more likely to get into accidents. [ laughter ] said customers with hotmail address, "i'm going to give you a bad review on" that's right, a car insurance company is admitted to increasing premiums for customers with hotmail e-mail addresses. so if you have a hotmail address, i said you're paying more for insurance! [ laughter ] and finally, we all -- every one of us has a tiny voice in the back of our head. but this is really exciting. thanks to newly developed technology, we here at "late night" have the ability to record the tiny voice that is inside donald trump's head. [ light laughter ] and you might be surprised to know that like everyone's inner voice, donald trump's is filled with paralyzing fear and self-doubt. so here, once again, is the tiny voice in the back of donald trump's head. ♪
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>> father in heaven. >> hey, donald. it's the tiny voice in the back of your head. and i'm going to say the prayer you wish you could say right now. dear lord, please let me handle this elaborate charade that i'm trapped in. [ light laughter ] please let me open my eyes and be transported back to when i was running casinos and making cameos in "home alone." [ laughter ] back to a time when i was disliked but still sort of a beloved kind of a freak. [ light laughter ] but if that can't happen, lord, can you please at least transform this glass of water in front of me into a 30-liter bottle of diet coke and a bucket of chicken nuggets? because, honestly, lord, that is all i really want right now. please lord, make everyone disappear and put chicken nuggets in front of me. [ light laughter ] i'm going to open my eyes, lord. i'm going to open my eyes and please let that be the case. oh, goddamn it. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: it's an amazing technology. you guys, we have a great show for you tonight. he's currently in the middle of his all-new comedy tour entitled "fixer upper," jim gaffigan is
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here tonight. one of the all time greats. [ cheers and applause ] he is the host of "the van jones show" on cnn. van jones is back with us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] and stand-up from a fantastic comedian, josh gondelman is here this evening. [ cheers and applause ] so you're here a great night. before we get to all that, the trump administration is facing mounting legal headaches and a series of dizzying scandals, including a potential campaign finance violation involving a porn star. for more on this, it's time for "a closer look." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: it's just another ordinary week in the year 2018. which means in the last 48 hours it's been reported that the fbi director threatened to resign over political pressure from the white house. the president's campaign might have violated campaign finance laws when they allegedly paid hush money to a porn star. and the governor of hawaii could not tell people that a missile alert was a false alarm because he forgot his twitter password. [ laughter ]
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>> the public could have known sooner about the false hawaii missile alert. but the governor forgot his twitter password. >> i have to confess that i don't know my twitter account log-ons and the password. so certainly that's one of the changes that i've made. >> seth: oh my god. [ laughter ] why is it that people who you actually want to tweet forget their passwords, meanwhile certain other people seem perpetually logged on? [ laughter ] although heaven forbid we ever get a missile alert tweet from trump. [ laughter ] so people in hawaii thought they were about to get hit with a missile for 38 minutes because the governor didn't know his twitter password. and somehow that isn't the biggest story in the news. neither is the fact that the president of the united states allegedly paid hush money to a porn star named stormy daniels. and here's the thing, it's not just a sordid sex scandal. it turns out it might have actually violated federal law. >> did donald trump's lawyer break campaign finance laws when he reportedly paid a porn star hush money to keep her quiet about an alleged affair with president trump?
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a watchdog group, common cause, says yes. filing a complaint with the department of justice and the federal elections commission. >> seth: amazing. so there's actually a chance someone at the justice department will have to interview stormy daniels. [ light laughter ] and i for one hope it's jeff sessions. [ laughter ] "now, miss daniels, you say you engaged in, uh -- oh, i can't read that word. [ laughter ] oh i can't say that word either. oh, don't even know what that word is. but i'm definitely not gonna say it." one thing's for sure, when sessions goes home that night, he's gonna answer questions from his wife the same way he answers questions from congress. "how was work today honey?" "i don't recall." [ laughter ] so here's what's been reported. trump's lawyer, michael cohen, set up a shell company to secretly pay daniels. and if that payment was intended to help trump's campaign, it might have actually counted as an in-kind donation. which means it should have been reported. and it definitely sounds like the payment helped trump out a lot.
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>> journalists at several news outlets say just a few weeks before the 2016 election, daniels told them she wanted to talk about her relationship with trump. and then suddenly she didn't. "the wall street journal" also reports that's around the time cohen formed a shell company to pay the porn star $130,000 in exchange for her silence. >> seth: wow. so if they hadn't paid her off, the last month of the campaign might have been dominated by two people named stormy daniels and anthony weiner. [ laughter ] is it possible that the 2016 campaign was a porno? [ laughter ] are we living in a porno? because he acts the way a president acts in a porno. [ laughter ] "immigration, crime, north korea. is it getting hot in here?" [ laughter ] so, trump allegedly had an affair with a porn star, and then tried to cover it up a month before the election by paying hush money through a shell company called essential consultants llc.
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now, the whole point, the entire point in setting up the shell company was to obscure their identities. so how did trump's lawyer, michael cohen, get caught? he put his name down on the documents. >> michael cohen, donald trump's lawyer, created an llc so that he could pay stormy daniels $130,000. essentially to stay quiet about this alleged sexual encounter. and according to the formation documents of the llc that the "wall street journal" is reporting on, michael cohen is listed as the authorized person on these documents, and stormy daniels is listed as peggy peterson. this appears to be a pseudonym. >> seth: wait, he used a pseudonym for the porn star but not himself? [ light laughter ] the porn star already has a pseudonym. [ laughter ] using a pseudonym for her and not you is like robbing a bank and telling your partner, "here, wear this second mask on top of your first mask. and i'll just cover my face with saran wrap."
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[ laughter ] of course, by now you've probably heard some of the more sordid details of the alleged affair. like the fact that daniels claimed that her affair with trump included an unusual act. spanking him with a copy of "forbes" magazine. [ laughter ] the spanking came during a series of sexual and romantic encounters with trump and that it involved a copy of "forbes" with trump on the cover. [ light laughter ] that's right. trump got spanked with a "forbes" magazine with his face on it. and this is apparently the issue she's referring to. but it's not just trump's face, check out who else is on the cover. [ laughter ] look at don junior's expression. he looks like right before that was taken trump said, "smile, i'm gonna get spanked with this!" [ laughter ] now, on top of the potential illegality, there's also the fact that trump overwhelmingly won evangelical voters by pretending to be a godly man. and the so-called family values brigade was firmly behind him. so how do those self-proclaimed defenders of morality feel about trump paying hush money to a porn star to cover up an affair he had just months after his son was born?
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well, tony perkins, president of the family research council, was asked about it on tuesday, and this will shock you. he's suddenly a lot more chill about all that family values stuff. >> if the president were to all of a sudden revert back to some of that behavior as president, the evangelical support will not be there for him. so, it's based on, we kind of gave him, all right, you get a mulligan. you get a do-over here. >> seth: ah, yes. [ light laughter ] it just like jesus said to the apostles when they found him in a strip club. "bros, i'm gonna need a mulligan on this one. [ laughter ] you got me. now i'm gonna need a mulligan." [ applause ] so why? why are evangelical voters overwhelmingly sticking with trump, despite his apparent contempt for the values they claim to believe in? well, true to the teachings of jesus, perkins said evangelicals like trump because he fights with people. >> they were tired of being kicked around by barack obama and his leftists. and i think they are finally
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glad that there's somebody on the playground that is willing to punch the bully. and -- >> even though punching the bully -- what happened to turning the other cheek? >> you know, you only have two cheeks. [ laughter ] >> seth: technically you have four cheeks. [ laughter ] two on your face and then the magazine catchers in the back. [ laughter and applause ] and perkins -- [ cheers and applause ] perkins wasn't the only self-proclaimed social conservative who was in a forgiving mood on tuesday. there was also matt schlapp, chairman of the american conservative union. schlapp dismissed the allegations, focusing specifically on the fact that the original interview with stormy daniels appeared in "in touch" magazine. >> i don't really have many thoughts on this, alison. i don't know what -- i don't even know what we know. they're basing this on a publication that is kind of like tmz, a gossip publication. i'm sure the media would continue to -- >> originally, hold on matt, but there's been other reporting. "the wall street journal," which is not tmz. >> yeah, but they're reporting that --
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>> i know what you're talking about, "in touch," the original one. but "wall street journal" -- >> yes. do you read -- alison, do you read "in touch?" >> hold on, hold on. >> i don't read it. do you read it? >> i do read "the wall street journal." and here's what they -- >> but i don't read "in touch." >> seth: i guess it's not surprising that matt schlapp would defend trump. he's apparently such a big trump fan, he changed his last name to the sound a "forbes" magazine makes when it hits trump's ass. [ laughter ] schlapp! [ applause ] "oh, that's good." schlapp! "oh, that's the candy." [ laughter ] this scandal is yet another example of the rot of bad faith at the core of the modern gop. imagine if obama or hillary clinton had potentially violated federal campaign finance law by paying hush money to a porn star. the right would've lost their minds. but the same people who declared themselves defenders of family values and the rule of law for the last eight years don't seem to care about the fact that the president allegedly asked a porn star to give him a good old -- >> schlapp. [ laughter ] >> seth: this has been "a closer look."
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: we'll be right back with jim gaffigan, everybody. stick around. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ (crunching) dude, your crunching's scaring the fish. dude, they're just jealous. kellogg's raisin bran crunch... ...with crunchy clusters and the taste of... ...apples and strawberries. i got one!
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[ cheers and applause ] also, back on drums with us tonight, he's the -- from the renowned metal band mastodon whose album, "emperor of sand" is grammy nominated for best rock album. they also earned an impressive second nomination in the best metal performance category. brann dailor is back, everybody. thank you for being here, brann. [ cheers and applause ] >> thanks for having me. >> seth: our first guest tonight received his third grammy nomination this year for his comedy album sanko, "cinco." i think i said it right. there you go. i certainly should. he's currently in the middle of his latest stand up tour, "jim gaffigan: the fixer upper"" he can also be seen in the upcoming film "chappaquiddick." please welcome back to the show, jim gaffigan, everybody. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back. >> thank you for having me. >> seth: i'm always so happy to have you here. last time you were here you had
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just come back from asia. you'd been doing -- >> that's right. >> seth: touring there, and now this time you're just back from europe. how was your europe travel? >> you know, i got back on sunday. so i'm still a little bit delirious. >> seth: mm-hmm. >> i mean the transatlantic flight, that is no joke, right? i mean, i guess that's the only option, right, to get across the atlantic. [ light laughter ] >> seth: yeah. >> is the flight. >> seth: trans is the only way. >> right? you never really -- there's no people like, you know what, i jet skied. you know? [ light laughter ] but it's an insane flight. people are messed up after that flight. for days. they're like, i need a day. i need a day. but it doesn't seem that hard. you're like it was hard. i had to sit in a comfortable chair for six hours. [ laughter ] and watch movies. i felt like i was being waterboarded. [ laughter ] people complain. it used to take six weeks. >> seth: yeah. >> it used to take six weeks to get from europe to the western
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hemisphere, and even back then people were like, that's great, you know? [ laughter ] that's good. like how long did it take? six weeks. oh, that's good. yeah, i was productive. i read every book that's ever been printed. you know? [ laughter ] but that's how columbus, he, you know, got from spain to the western hemisphere, six weeks. and you know, he got here and he was like, i need a day. [ laughter ] you know? >> seth: yeah. >> i am so boatlagged. [ laughter ] give me a day, and then i'll get right to raping, and murdering. [ laughter ] >> seth: you can't be that exhausted. you just can't do it exhausted. >> no. >> seth: paris? how was paris? >> paris was amazing. i guess i was there like eight days ago, and i'm still digesting the cheese. >> seth: okay. [ laughter ] >> my delicate american body -- [ laughter ] could not handle the cheese cheese. >> seth: yeah, because you eat cheese here in the states. >> my wife is from wisconsin. i love cheese. >> seth: yeah. >> but the cheese -- the french
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have a -- they take eating cheese to a whole other level. they make it an entire course at the meal. so you'll have an appetizer, an entrée, and then for absolutely no reason at all, a bunch of chunks of cheese, then dessert. after that you go to the hospital. [ laughter ] but it's amazing. it's not like i don't eat cheese that way, but just not in public. [ laughter ] you know what i mean? eating chunks of cheese, that's what i get caught doing. [ laughter ] you know what i mean? the first time i had the cheese course, i actually heard my heart say, "are you mad at me?" [ laughter ] my brain took over. it's like, "it's going to be fine. everyone relax. relax. there's going to be sweating. there's going to be a lot of sweating. [ light laughter ] you know, bowels, you can take a couple weeks off." [ light laughter ] but it was amazing. i tried dozens of french cheeses, and i couldn't tell you the name of one of them. and they told me the name. they'd be like, "this is shaw, shaw, shaw from the shaw, shaw,
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shaw, region." and i'd be like, "so not cheddar?" [ laughter ] it was amazing. >> seth: you also made it to scandinavia. >> i did. scandinavia. >> seth: finland. >> finland, i went all around the nordic countries, and ate a lot of reindeer. >> seth:you did -- you're not joking. this is a photo you took. >> yes. >> seth: there was a place that was selling reindeer. >> this was, i think, in finland. but in norway, i went in a butcher shop, and they had a sale on reindeer meat. nothing says christmas season's over -- [ laughter ] quite like a sale on reindeer meat. [ laughter ] that's got to be a tough day for santa. [ light laughter ] "i want to thank all the reindeer for your work this year. now when i call your name, if you could come with me in the smokehouse. donner." [ laughter ] that was amazing. >> seth: stockholm? >> stockholm. >> seth: beautiful city. >> beautiful city, and you know, you go to so many of these
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places, and you really want to experience the tourist attraction. in stockholm, the big attraction is the vasa museum, which is a ship museum. but there is -- you go there, and there's only one ship. so it's less of a museum. it's like a ship garage. [ light laughter ] and you learn -- i learned that this ship, essentially it floated for like a moment, and then it sunk in stockholm harbor. so their museum is a boat that didn't float. [ laughter ] like most countries, their largest tourist attraction is, you know, an engineering marvel, or some beautiful natural thing. in stockholm, they're like "this is a boat that didn't float. [ light laughter ] this is why we make furniture." [ laughter ] but it is a beautiful boat. [ applause ] >> seth: congratulations. third grammy nomination. will you be going to the grammys? >> i'm actually presenting at
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the grammys, and i'm really excited. it will be fun to watch dave chappelle win. >> seth: oh yeah. that's -- dave chappelle is nominated. >> i mean dave chappelle, he did four comedy specials this year. >> seth: four hours in a year. >> which is insane. i don't know if i've watched four comedy specials. >> seth: yeah. and you are prolific as well. you're not a lazy comedian, but four in a year is -- >> that not -- >> seth: yeah. >> that's wrong. >> seth: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> he's making us look bad. >> seth: yeah. >> and if he doesn't win, then it will be seinfeld, or it'll sarah. so it's like -- it's fun to go. i mean, you know, the awards shows are great, and i know you hosted, and you did a great job by the way. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: oh, thank you. thank you very much. >> it's -- they're fun. i mean, i have to admit, like, you know, i feel kind of mixed emotions about the red carpet thing because the red carpet, really they want to see beautiful people, or beautiful dresses. so when i'm walking down the red carpet, like the photographers always look at me like, all
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right. [ laughter ] you know? maybe his plane will go down. you know? [ laughter ] we'll check it out. and at the grammys, it's like -- it's even younger, and more eccentric. so people look at me, and they're like, is this betty white's dad? [ laughter ] so it's going to be a little awkward. but it's amazing, and it's so exciting to go. >> seth: i am also really excited for this, because you're also a fantastic actor. and you're going to be in a film that i'm very excited about, "chappaquiddick" about that moment in history. >> yes. >> seth: is it -- do you like doing dramatic acting? >> i love. i mean i love all types of acting. and obviously, "chappaquiddick" not a comedy. but for me, it's just -- i enjoy acting, and some of it, it really comes down to the opportunities. and really auditioning for film roles is -- that's the humiliating thing. i describe auditioning as like stripping, but you don't get a
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dollar. [ laughter ] you know? it's rather brutal, but i love it. and "chappaquiddick" is amazing. >> seth: you're a stripping intern. [ laughter ] >> it's really brutal. you go in there, and half the time they're like, nope. [ light laughter ] so, it's fine. >> seth: well, i can't wait to see that. good luck at the grammys. >> thank you. >> seth: it's an honor just to be nominated. remember that. >> it is. it is. >> seth: and always great to see you. thank you for coming. >> thanks buddy. >> seth: jim gaffigan, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] "fixer-upper" tour dates, go to we'll be right back with van jones. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ( ♪ ) with 33 individual vertebrae and 640 muscles in the human body, no two of us are alike. life made more effortless through adaptability. the perfect position seat in the lincoln continental. ( ♪ )
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: our next guest is a former obama white house adviser, best-selling author and cnn political commentator. his new show "the van jones show" premieres january 27th on cnn. please welcome back to the show, van jones, everyone. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> seth: welcome back. >> oh, it's good to be back. >> seth: very excited for the new show.
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one of the things you're trying to do in the show is talk to ordinary voters. >> yes. >> seth: people that maybe don't get talked to a lot about how they came to decisions on election day. >> right. >> seth: but your first show -- one of your guests is -- i would say no one would say this as an ordinary voter, is jay-z. [ light laughter ] how did you end up with jay-z based on what your thesis for your show was? >> you know, a little populism, a little pop star. >> seth: uh-huh. >> it's all pop. i wanted to have jay-z there because he really is, i think, the american success story. >> seth: sure is. >> you know, i think people on both sides of the aisle feel like they can't get there. maybe america's going away. i wanted to have him. plus, he's kind of famous. i need ratings. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] i don't blame you for opening with jay-z. no reason to put him on your fourth or fifth show. >> exactly, yeah. >> seth: so one of the things you did, and i think you're going to try to do on this show, you went to charlottesville. you did a segment called "van in the van," where you actually loaded it up with liberals and conservatives. and you drove around -- obviously a place that it's recent history or you know, i
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would say it's long history too is very fraught. and you had liberals and conservatives talking together. did anything come out of it? did people try to get out of the van? [ laughter ] >> it was one of the things that sounded like a great idea at the time. >> seth: uh-huh. >> you know, you're like, "hey, we've got this concept." and, you know, yes, there were tears. [ light laughter ] >> seth: yeah. >> but you know what? it actually, both sides, i think came away really understanding a lot more. we drove by -- and we'll show it on the show. we drove by where heather heyer was murdered. and i'm talking, and i didn't realize -- it took me a moment. the woman behind me is crying. and i was like, "wait, this is real." and it's not just like charlottesville was like a talking point. this is their home town. >> seth: mm-hmm. >> and a white terrorist mob came and tore their town apart. and they haven't gotten over it.
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and so suddenly, it goes from a stunt to as real as real can be. and you'll see on the show. >> seth: and do you find when you spend time with people from opposing points of view that progress is made? do -- does anyone convince anyone to have empathy for the other point of view? >> you know, i'm glad you asked about the empathy point. i don't think anybody is changing their mind anytime soon. i think we've got a tale of two presidencies. some people saying, "look the stock market's great. you know, unemployment's down. i got a tax cut coming. i'm happy." other people are saying, "oh, my god. [ light laughter ] what is happening? this is the most insane thing. and it's only like 4:30 in the morning. i haven't got out of bed yet." >> seth: yeah. >> so -- and i don't think people are going to change their minds anytime soon. but i think people can start changing their hearts a little bit. we don't have to agree with each other. but we got to understand each other a little bit better. and right now my concern is -- you know, the reason we're putting the show together is, "we're going to vote against each other this year. we're going to campaign.
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but we don't have to hate each other. and that's got to stop. the hatred's got to stop." >> seth: yes, i agree with that. [ cheers and applause ] is there -- obviously, though, there has to be -- there has to be a line for where your empathy stops. and you know, when you mention both sides and you mention charlottesville, i think obviously the issue with the president's comments when he said both sides is one of the sides was nazis. and that -- that's -- i don't think ever our empathy has to go that far. >> right. >> seth: so where does it stop? >> well, i'll say a couple things. there's some stuff we're just going to have to fight about. nazis, grabbing d.r.e.a.m.e.r.s and throwing them out of the country. we're going to fight about that. we're not going to let anybody, you know, brutalize people, mistreat people, bigotry, hatred, that kind of stuff. some stuff you got to fight about. but you can't fight about everything and still have a country. >> seth: mm-hmm. >> there are some areas where we actually have more in common. this addiction crisis is killing people in the hood and in rural
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america. we should be working together on that. you know, none of our kids are getting trained for the jobs of tomorrow. robots will have all the jobs. none of our kids -- that's something we ought to be talking about. you know, also the court system, the criminal justice system is a wreck. both sides recognize that. so listen, where we have to fight, let's fight clean, honest, tough and well. but if you have any common ground past the battleground, identify that, too. because otherwise we won't have a country. >> seth: bipartisanship certainly seems very terminal at a national level. but you actually see some hope for bipartisanship at a local level. >> absolutely. >> seth: in local politics. >> look, i grew up in a small town. and it's called jackson, tennessee. and here's the reality. you can only disagree so much. because you are going to see the same people at the laundromat next saturday. >> seth: right. [ light laughter ] >> so you -- you know what? i see it different. how is your boy? [ laughter ] and i think at the grassroots
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level and that's why we are go out -- and listen, i love d.c. i love politics. you know, you see me every night. i love it. but i tell you, as soon as you get out of that bubble and you're out there in real red state, real blue state america and talking to real people. there's a genius and a wisdom that ordinary people have that we're not hearing enough from. we're going to bring that on the air through my show. >> seth: well i'm really glad you're doing that. i think -- >> plus jay-z. >> seth: plus jay-z, yeah. [ laughter and applause ] so you strike me in general as an optimistic person. the very fact that you would put those people in your van. >> yes. [ laughter ] >> seth: so where do you -- do you feel -- you know, again, we're just past one year of this presidency. where does your optimism, if you have it, come from right now? >> you know, just, listen, sometimes i think we just lose some perspective, all right? dr. king was killed 50 years ago. they shot him in the face. he was 39 years old. they shot him in his face in front of his friends.
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not one of his friends gave up. every one of those people to this day, if they're still alive, they're working today. you want to talk about optimism. so listen, we have like an orange nightmare dude with weird tweets. >> seth: mm-hmm. [ laughter ] accurate. >> we can survive some tweets if dr. king's friends can hang in there. and the reality is, i think we didn't fight as hard in 2016 as we should have. 2008 we worked hard. 2012 we worked hard. 2016 we said, "we got this." and we got our butts kicked. that's not a bad statement so much about him as it is about us. when we stand up, we are powerful. when we sit down, the country falls apart. let's claim our power. let's be good to each other. let's fight hard. but let's not become the hatred we're trying to stop. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: thank you so much for having conversations with people we otherwise don't hear from. van jones, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] "the van jones show" premieres january 27th on cnn. we'll be right back with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. we here at "late night" we have a lot of expenses.
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and to cover the cost of those expensive -- those expenses, we took on some pretty terrible sponsors. sponsors we are not proud of. sponsors that i'm ashamed we took money from. but because we did, we now have to mention those sponsors on the air. so i'd like to apologize in advance. late night tonight is brought to you by pc peeps. [ laughter ] the only peeps laced with pcp. [ laughter ] want to have a far-out easter? grab some pc peeps and watch jesus come down off the cross and talk directly to you. [ laughter ] pc peeps. they're a trip. [ laughter ] we're also sponsored by clocktapuses. [ laughter ] it's a clock with an hour hand, minute hand, second hand plus five more hands. [ light laughter ] clocktapus. what time is it? all of them. [ laughter ] next up it's vealcro. [ audience oohs ] wha -- the velcro that's 100% veal. it's the velcro you can eat. but also feel bad about eating. [ light laughter ] vealcro, it's legal, for now. [ laughter ]
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like jack's one-of-a-kind breakfast pockets for $2 each. three of jack's famous tacos and a small drink for $3! or a classic bonus jack combo for $5! it's like i tell jack jr., it's all about big values, jr. prices. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: our next guest is a stand-up comedian who is a writer for "last week tonight with john oliver," and a regular at the comedy cellar here in new york. you can see him this saturday headlining the bell house in brooklyn. please welcome to the show josh gondelman, everyone. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> hello, everyone.
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oh, my goodness. well, thank you for your enthusiasm. [ light laughter ] this is what i'm like. [ laughter ] this is me all the time. i'm like if a cardigan were a person. [ light laughter ] so -- let's get cozy for a little while, shall we? i had a pretty good 2017 despite 2017. [ laughter ] and i'm here to tell you a little bit about it. my wife and i adopted a dog. that's very exciting for us. [ applause ] yeah. oh, thank you. she's a pug, so scientifically she shouldn't even exist. so every day is a miracle with our little dumpling. [ light laughter ] if you can't imagine a pug from the name of the breed it's one of those dogs, looks like a loaf of white bread with a face smushed on to the front slice, and a butt smuched onto the back slice. [ light laughter ] and if you've never hung out with a pug before it's kind of like if that loaf of bread came some of the way to life. [ laughter ] that's her vibe. [ laughter ] she's so cute. i love her so much. her name is busy, but it wasn't always. [ light laughter ] when we adopted her, her name
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was daisy. but we didn't like that so we pushed it to busy, which is very rude of us, because when we adopted our dog she was 8 years old. [ audience ohs ] [ light laughter ] you guys get that's middle aged for a dog. that's like meeting a 56-year-old human, and going, what's your name? debra? nah. [ laughter ] i'm going to go ahead, and call you barbara. hope that works for you. [ light laughter ] i mean, you better be cool with it because i control all the food, and water, and you're too small to reach the door knob. so anyway, babs, i was thinking. [ laughter ] let's get you into your halloween costume, and yes, i know it's january, but i'm sad right now. so for the next several hours, you're going to be a lady bug. [ laughter ] i got married last year. that was very wonderful. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. it's the best. it was so good, i should have mentioned it first. [ laughter ] my wife is amazing, and i know it sounds corny, but she really does make me want to be a better person. that's real. [ audience aws ] thank you.
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she's a big reader, and i've been going through her favorite authors to understand how she sees the world. and i recently came across a famous feminist quotation by canadian author margaret atwood, which is probably how many of your favorite jokes start. [ laughter ] margaret atwood once wrote, "men are afraid women will laugh at them. women are afraid men will kill them." [ laughter ] yeah, that's heavy, and i don't know how to feel about that as a man who is also afraid that men will kill him. [ laughter ] worse case scenario, while the woman laughs, if i'm being totally honest. [ laughter ] when i get up in the middle of the night for a glass of water, i get fully clothed. [ light laughter ] and i don't just mean t-shirt, boxers. i'm talking blazer, high tops. [ light laughter ] and that's not because i'm modest in front of my wife, or nervous the neighbors will see me nude through the window. it's because my greatest fear is the world is that there's a burglar in our apartment ready to take all our stuff, but before he does he sees my naked body, and just goes, weird dick, loser.
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bang, and that's it for me, i'm done. [ laughter ] then my wife wakes up giggling, like "you did have kind of a weird one." [ light laughter ] and then they get married to each other, and i'm just stuck in the apartment as a ghost haunting them forever like "every dick is kind of a weird one, boo." [ laughter ] and that's why i'm a feminist. that's my journey. we all have our own. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. i'm trying to be more attuned to little acts of sexism when i see them. for example, back when we were engaged, people would ask my then fiancée, now wife, all the time right in front of me if she was going to take my last name. which is a little presumptuous, and it's a little sexist, right? because no one asked me if i was going to give it to her. huh? [ laughter ] if i was justgoing to let her embrace the poetry that is gondelman into her life every day forever. [ light laughter ] that's my name, and that's my choice. it is so political what you do with a name, especially for women. it's who you are.
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some people keep theirs, some switch. i know a bunch of couples, both parties hyphenate. that's a good solution in the short-term, long-term creates more problems than it solves. 'cause if you hyphenate, you have a baby, that little hyphen grows up, marries another hyphen. [ light laughter ] then at their wedding their last names both becomes sonnets just like that. [ laughter ] it's too much. i have a friend whose name is james irving-thompson. that's a wonderful name rich in family heritage, and tradition. last two hyphenated, no big deal. what if he goes out, and marries a woman named kelsey love-smith. also a wonderful name, but on their wedding day he becomes james irving-thompson-love-smith [ light laughter ] that's not one man's name. that is literally the starting lineup of last season's cleveland cavaliers. it is. i know i don't look like i know that, but i know that. [ laughter ] i learned it for you because you, audience, also make me want to be a better person. [ laughter and applause ] thank you guys so much. what a pleasure. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. >> seth: josh gondelman, everyone. we'll be right back.
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>> thank you. >> seth: that was great. >> thank you so much. >> seth: thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] i love it. >> such a pleasure. [ cheers and applause ] even if no one in your home smokes, secondhand smoke can be closer than you think. secondhand smoke from a neighbor's apartment can enter your home through air vents, through light fixtures and even through cracks in the walls and the floors. secondhand smoke is toxic. especially to children. protect your family. visit
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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: my thanks to jim gaffigan, van jones, josh gondelman. brann dailor. [ cheers and applause ] 8g band. stay tuned for "carson daly." see you tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪


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