tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC April 19, 2019 12:37am-2:08am PDT
♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- amy sedaris, 2020 presidential candidate, mayor pete buttigieg, seth watches "game of thrones" with leslie jones, music from toro y moi, featuring the 8g band with fred armisen. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: good evening, i'm seth meyers. and this is a special 90 minute edition of "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] that is so great to hear. in that case, let's get to the news. well it's official, the mueller report is out, and so is the printer. [ laughter ]
according to robert mueller's report, president trump responded to the appointment of a special counsel by saying, "this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me." said eric, "yes! out of last place!" [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] the report also states that president trump did not like that former white house counsel don mcgahn took notes during meetings and said he had never had a lawyer who took notes. but only because his old lawyer always wore a wire. [ laughter and applause ] "you sure you don't want to write this down?" "no, trust me, i got it. i'll remember it." [ laughter and applause ] president trump traveled to florida today to spend easter weekend at his mar-a-lago resort. so, while kids look for eggs, he'll look for melania. [ laughter and applause ] singapore's changi airport has
added a new terminal that contains a hedge maze, indoor forest and the world's tallest indoor waterfall. meanwhile, laguardia's indoor waterfall is only as tall as the ceiling. [ laughter and applause ] today was get to know your customers day. "there's nothing left to learn," said your amazon echo. [ laughter ] disney is expected to unveil a "beauty and the beast" themed bar at one of its florida resorts this fall. the way it works is everyone there is a beast, and then three drinks in, they look like a beauty. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] "you seemed pretty hairy when i walked in here but -- [ light laughter ] you're looking pretty good right now." today was international pizza cake today, which sounds exactly like a holiday trump would make up to distract from the mueller report.
[ laughter ] "not on pizza cake day. that's treason." [ laughter ] and finally, a bakery in tennessee has started selling cakes to celebrate successful vasectomy operations. and this is insensitive. it has chopped nuts. [ laughter ] [ audience oohs ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a wonderful show for you tonight. [ cheers and applause ] she is the very funny star of "at home with amy sedaris" on trutv. amy sedaris is here. [ cheers and applause ] always so happy to have her. he's currently the mayor of south bend, indiana, and is a 2020 presidential candidate. mayor pete buttigieg is back on the show. [ cheers and applause ] plus i will be watching the latest episode of "game of thrones" -- [ cheers and applause ] -- with leslie jones and we will have music from toro y moi. so you're here on a great night, everybody. and i'm so excited you're here. and before we get to anything else, today, the justice department released attorney general william barr's redacted version of special counsel robert mueller's final report. for more on this, it's time for "a closer look."
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: well, it's finally here. we finally have a redacted version of the thing that everyone in washington has been anxiously awaiting for almost two years. and for two years, the media has been obsessively dissecting every morsel of information or speculation about the investigation. there was even the time mueller was spotted at the airport at the same gate as don jr. and pundits speculated about everything from his clothes to where he was going. >> we're about to have a wow moment. stand by. we now have the photo. this was taken by "politico." this is reagan airport in washington, d.c. the man spotlighted on the left side of your screen just sitting there hanging out, this is robert mueller. this is the special counsel who is the one who we've been saying knows way more than we all do. >> you know, it's interesting. having worked for bob mueller, i know he has two ties, a red one and a blue one. he's, you know, very solid -- >> are we really going to get into the ties? >> well the fact that he's not wearing one, it looks as though, i'd be curious to see where he's headed. is he taking a little vacation, which is probably much deserved or is he going to hunt for more
clues? >> seth: they were speculating over the ties he wears. [ light laughter ] blue tie means trump's innocent, red tie means he's guilty and no tie means robert mueller is ready for a night out on the town. [ light laughter ] also, he probably wasn't going anywhere. i bet robert mueller goes to the airport just because he likes going through security. [ light laughter ] "all right, you're all good, sir." "scan me again for safety." [ light laughter ] and on top of that, we've been living through months of endless speculation about when the investigation would finally end. in fact, the media specifically kept speculating about whether the investigation was wrapping up or winding down. >> do you see mueller wrapping this up at any point in the near future? >> when you read the tea leaves, this could mean that the probe is actually winding down. >> that multifaceted investigation may be wrapping up soon. >> that could very well signal that the investigation is indeed winding down. >> does this mean mueller is getting close to wrapping up? >> the investigation appears to be winding down. >> maybe this thing is wrapping up. >> this could be winding down. >> it may be close to wrapping
up. >> potentially the investigation is winding down. >> seth: that right there is my favorite house of pain song. wrap it up, wind it down, jerk us around. [ laughter ] they've been saying the mueller report was about to come out forever. in fact, true story, when they found those 20,000-year-old cave paintings in france, one of them just said, "is mueller wrapping up?" [ laughter ] now the report is finally here. but before he even had any idea what was in the report, trump spent weeks declaring victory and setting incredibly high expectations for how the full report would totally and completely vindicate him of everything. with one small caveat that comes at the very, very end. >> it was a complete and total exoneration. the mueller report was great. it could not have been better. the finding was very, very strong. no collusion, no obstruction, no russia, no nothing. the result was great. no obstruction, no collusion, no anything. total exoneration, complete vindication.
everybody waited for the mueller report. and then it turns out that there's no obstruction, no collusion, no anything. i won. no collusion, no obstruction. i won. i have not read the mueller report. [ laughter ] i haven't seen the mueller report. as far as i'm concerned, i don't care about the mueller report. >> seth: "the mueller report is great. it exonerates me. i've never read it. i don't care about it." [ laughter ] you're like a terrible boyfriend who keeps giving mixed messages. i love you but i need space and i can't live without you but you're crowding me. [ laughter ] in fact, trump even said he was being charitable to us by not overreacting. >> it's a disgrace what happened. and again, it should never happen to a president, again. you're just lucky i happen to be the president, because a lot of other presidents would have reacted much differently than i reacted. >> seth: that's kind of true. i mean, it really only happened to one other president, and he quit. [ laughter and applause ] now, before we get into the report, let's just review what we already know. for one thing, mueller has already produced a staggering
number of indictments and convictions of some of the president's closest aides and advisers. i mean, look at this. this group has more criminals in it than a hollywood pta meeting. [ laughter and applause ] [ audience oohs ] two, even before we got the report today, trump was already directly implicated in a crime to break election law during the 2016 campaign by paying hush money to cover up an affair. of course, as you might remember, prosecutors mysteriously referred to him as individual number one in the court filing, despite also telling us that individual number one began an ultimately successful campaign for president of the united states. [ light laughter ] and then, in a big dramatic reveal, trump's ex-lawyer michael cohen revealed to the world who individual number one was. >> last fall, i pled guilty in federal court to felonies for the benefit of, at the direction of and in coordination with individual number one. and for the record, individual number one is president donald j. trump.
>> seth: yeah, dude, we know. [ laughter ] that was like the easiest where's waldo of all time. [ laughter and applause ] so what we already knew was damning and even trump's inner circle seemed to know the report might be damning, which might explain why their handling of the report was so weird. first, barr issued his infamous letter summarizing the report. then a week later, issued a second letter saying the first letter wasn't supposed to be a summary. then mueller's team started leaking and saying they weren't happy with barr's summary. then we found out they wrote their own summaries that barr didn't use. then we found out barr briefed the white house on the report. then we found out barr let trump's attorneys see the report. i mean, jesus, who else got to see this thing before us? [ light laughter ] i don't know. i feel like -- [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i come off as bad guy. where are my sharpie? [ laughter ] then this morning, barr held a press conference on the report where he spun all the conclusions before the reporters
or the public actually had a chance to read the report. no one had read it. well, some people had read it as barr explained. >> earlier this week the president's personal counsel requested and was given the opportunity to read a final version of the redacted report before it was publicly released. >> seth: that means rudy giuliani got to read the report before the rest of us. and from the looks of it, he was trying to open his eyes wide enough to read all 400 pages at once. [ light laughter ] i don't like to flip! spread them all out! [ laughter and applause ] now, on the question of the trump campaign's ties to russia, the mueller report says, "the investigation also identified numerous links between the russian government and the trump campaign." but in his press conference, barr chose instead to highlight a sentence from his report that he knew would please his boss, and repeated it over and over. >> the special counsel's report states that his, quote, investigation did not establish
that members of the trump campaign conspired or coordinated with the russian government. the russian operatives who perpetrated these schemes did not have the cooperation of president trump or the trump campaign. the special counsel found no evidence that any american, including anyone associated with the trump campaign, conspired or coordinated with the russian government. again, the special counsel's report did not find any evidence that members of the trump campaign, or anyone associated with the campaign, conspired or coordinated with the russian government. as he said from the beginning, there was, in fact, no collusion. >> seth: my god, halfway through that press conference, i started expecting barr to rip off his mask and reveal it was trump the whole time. [ laughter ] the mueller investigation had questions it was supposed to answer. now we have the report, we can take our time and go through and hopefully get answers to those questions. and on top of that, the guy who wrote the report, the guy who
almost never speaks publicly, robert mueller himself, might actually testify in public before congress. >> jerry nadler, who is the chairman of the house committee on the judiciary has now formally requested that the honorable robert mueller, the special counsel, come and testify before congress no later than may 23rd. >> seth: wow, we might actually hear from robert mueller. he never speaks in public. honestly, i don't even know what his voice sounds like. for all i know, he could sound like bobcat goldthwait or maybe his mouth moves like a "south park" character. >> you will respect my authority! [ laughter ] >> seth: we don't know. [ laughter and applause ] so, once barr was done with his press conference, congress and reporters finally started to get their hands on the report. but the way they got the report was as weird as everything else about how trump's team handled the process. >> good morning, everyone. so, here's how this plays out. first congress gets the report delivered this morning on cd. >> now, we have this interregnum for 45 more minutes before members of congress are -- and of course, the members of
the public are allowed to see the cd-rom of this report. >> any minute now we are expecting a justice department official to come and drop off a disk of the redacted report to the house judiciary committee. we are expecting, jake, in a matter of moments, the disk to be dropped off. >> seth: that's right. a compact disk. [ light laughter ] they got the mueller report the same way we all got encarta. [ laughter ] seriously, this is how the government handles one of the most anticipated documents in recent political history. was it a report or did they just send congress a mix tape? [ laughter and applause ] the fact is, reporters are waiting for this disk to arrive. everyone was literally sitting on the justice department website reloading the page where the report was supposed to be posted. >> it is up. is it online. you can go to www.justice.gov. and i think it's /storage/report.pdf. >> we're just waiting to find out more.
i'm sure everyone is eagerly hitting the refresh button on the department of justice website. >> seth oh, good. so the same way people see if they got their coachella tickets. [ laughter ] also, can we hear that website link again? >> you can go to www.justice.gov. and i think it's /storage/report.pdf. >> seth: my god, that link constitutes obstruction of justice. [ laughter ] just buy muellerreport.gov or something. if you're gonna make it hard to find, why not go all the way and post it at justice.gov/storage/report/no/ collusion/innocent/witchhunt/don 'tlook/ stopclicking/whyareyouclicking/ messageboard/napster.biz. [ laughter and applause ] but still -- now we have the actual report. and suffice it to say it's a lot more damning and nuanced and legally dense than barr made it sound. for example, on obstruction of justice, there's that question of whether trump had corrupt intent. now, republicans have been chiding everyone else for thinking mueller's appointment would be the end of trump's presidency.
they've been mocking people for saying, "oh my god, this is the end of his presidency. he's [ bleep ]." but apparently, one of the people who thought that was donald trump himself, because according to the report, when his then attorney jeff sessions told the president that a special counsel had been appointed, the president slumped back in his chair and said, "oh, my god, this is terrible. this the end of my presidency. i'm [ bleep ]." [ laughter and applause ] oh, the one time we wanted you to be right and you weren't. though, it will not surprise you to hear that even after all of the new damning details in the report, the president, who spent the last two weeks calling it a total and complete exoneration, despite not reading it, called the 400 page final report, a total and complete exoneration, despite not reading it. >> when i talked to people inside the trump campaign, trump advisers, earlier this morning, they just feel like this is a complete victory. i talked to one trump adviser who said, this is $40 million bill of health -- clean bill of health for the president. >> seth: i'm sorry, but donald trump has never in his life gotten a clean bill of health. [ light laughter ] i mean, for one thing, this is his doctor.
"hey, good news, man. i did an x-ray. most of your bones are still there." [ laughter ] second, the report is full of damning evidence about the president's various attempts to influence the investigation. mueller writes that those attempts were mostly unsuccessful, largely because the persons who surrounded the president declined to carry out orders. in fact, we've gotten so many more details about the campaign's ties to russia. just take trump's ex-campaign chairman paul manafort as one example. manafort communicated with a ukrainian political consultant tied to russian intelligence named konstantin kilimnik. kilimnik proposed a peace plan for ukraine that manafort has since acknowledged was a backdoor means for russia to control eastern ukraine. kilimnik wrote an email to manafort expressing the view, which manafort later said he shared. that the plan's success would require u.s. support to succeed. all that is required to start the process is a very minor wink from donald trump. of course, with trump, it's impossible to know if he's winking, or just trying to read off a teleprompter. [ laughter ] i mean, this is what he looks
like when he's just trying to read a prepared statement. >> 10,000 known or suspested -- gang members -- >> seth: suspested, as in robert mueller suspested that trump obstrusted justice. [ laughter and applause ] again, the report is detailed. there's a lot to go through, and it will take time for journalists and political systems to process it. but it's worth keeping in mind that after barr's first letter, republicans told us it was a major political win for trump. compare that to a cnn poll that found many voters felt very differently about the russia investigation. >> robert mueller's work is done and among the many remaining questions, how will it weigh on voters in the 2020 election? >> so, look, this is a recent poll we just asked -- we open ended, it said, okay, what's the most important issue for your 2020 vote? so voters could say pretty much anything. but, look at this. look where the russia investigation -- 0% said it was most important to their vote in 2020. >> that low? >> zero, zero, zero respondents said russia.
>> seth: wow, that guy went full willy wonka. [ laughter ] "zero, you get nothing! good day, sir!" [ laughter and applause ] so mueller laid out the facts, and now it's up to congress. in fact, there are multiple specific references to congress in this report including one line that is very direct. >> i just think this sentence is enormously important. >> read it again, read it again. >> the conclusion that congress may apply the obstruction law to the president's corrupt exercise of the powers of office, accords with our constitutional system of checks and balances and the principle that no person is above the law. this is an invitation to congress to say, you can do it using the impeachment power. >> seth: so now it's up to congress to do their job. i don't know if they will. but if they did, the trump presidency would be -- >> wrapping up. >> winding down. >> wrapping up. >> winding down. >> seth: this has been "a closer look." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ coming up next, it's "game of jones" with leslie jones. we'll be right back.
[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> for more of seth's "closer looks," be sure to subscribe to "late night" on youtube. does this map show the peninsula trail? you won't find that on a map. i'll take you there. take this left. if you listen real hard you can hear the whales. oop. you hear that? (vo) our subaru outback lets us see the world. sometimes in ways we never imagined. [ "werk it" by mama haze ] ♪ watch me w♪ woo now ♪ baby do you like the way i werk it now? ♪ ♪ baby come on and let me show you how ♪ ♪ werk it now ♪ werk it now ♪ werk it now ♪ baby watch me werk it like
♪ werk it now, werk it now, woo ♪ ♪ werk it now ♪ baby watch me werk it like ♪ baby, baby, baby ♪ baby watch me werk it now with peak season berries, uniqcreamy avocado. and a dressing fit for a goddess. come taste what a salad should be. and with panera catering, there's more to go around. panera. food as it should be. and tripadvisor named us the best airline in the u.s. because we do everything differently... on purpose, for one purpose: you. you're the reason we fly to 100 destinations. and why we don't charge you fees to change your flight or check two bags. you. you. over 134 million of you chose to fly southwest last year. that's what matters most to us. [clap,clap,ding]
so happy to have you here with us this week, buddy. >> fred: thank you. >> seth: it's been an absolute delight. you guys, i love the television show "game of thrones." i am very excited about the final season. i did not watch the first episode of the last season when it aired on sunday night, because i waited until last night to watch it with my dear friend, the very funny from "saturday night live", leslie jones, who -- [ cheers and applause ] -- is a "game of thrones" super fan. and so we sat down last night and enjoyed an episode and we filmed it. so take a look. >> seth: hey, everybody. i don't need to tell you it's the final season of "game of thrones", the show i love. and the person i love watching it with most is right here, and that's leslie jones, everybody. >> yeah! >> seth: and you know what that means, it's time once again for "game of jones." >> we got ribs! [ light laughter ] ♪ >> seth: ooh, is this a different title sequence? >> exactly. you noticed. you've kept up with it. >> seth: well, well, well. >> see how they have to put the
new lands in there. >> seth: the news lands. you know what, i appreciate this. because let's be honest, they didn't have to change the opening credits. we would have watched it anyway. >> they did have to change it, because they knew that i was going to get that ass. [ light laughter ] >> seth: what ass? >> how'd you -- >> seth: i'm already confused. >> whatever ass that's not doing what they're supposed to be doing. >> seth: "game of thrones" is confusing enough without you immediately saying you gotta get that ass. >> i'm gonna get that ass. they know what i'm talking about. [ light laughter ] i never thought i'd be this nerdy. i love -- >> seth: before "game of thrones" did you have any of this nerd in you? is this the first nerdy thing you've liked? >> uhh, had a thing for "happy gilmore" for a while. >> seth: okay. [ light laughter ] >> is that nerdy? >> seth: not the same as this. >> sexually. >> seth: no. [ laughter ] [ yelling ] [ laughter ] >> love her! and she looks stronger than ever. >> seth: can you give me a little arya face? give me that arya face. [ light laughter ] >> so pretty. they cold. they cold, seth. >> seth: yeah. >> look at all them soldiers. >> seth: where they coming -- oh, i --
oh. there it -- daenerys did a -- >> none of them got penises. [ laughter ] >> seth: oh, right, right, right. >> none of them do. none of them got penises. that's why they marching so -- good in the cold. >> seth: oh, here -- >> look at that! >> seth: look at this. >> look at that! >> seth: that's good. there you go. >> oh, that is your nephew! >> seth: hey, will you -- okay. >> that is your auntie! >> seth: will you explain it to me one more time? how are they related? >> okay -- jesus wept on the cross. listen, his mama and daddy is robb stark's sister. [ light laughter ] and daenerys' uncle, i believe, or something to that effect. 'cause they cousins. >> seth: oh, okay. >> they not cousins. they auntie and nephew. >> seth: gotcha. >> so how that -- >> seth: yeah, yeah, yeah. [ light laughter ] >> how that happen? look how they lookin' at him, though. look how they lookin' at him. like, yeah, yeah, y'all don't belong here. we're here for you! yeah. look at my dragon like that! look at my dragon like that! but my dragon's here though. my dragon ain't no outsider! you know why? 'cause he's a dragon. argh! look at arya. look at arya. arya want to ride one of them mother [ bleep ].
[ laughter ] oh, i'm sorry. look at them dragons. >> seth: i mean this, there's no one i'd rather have a dragon than you, and i also would not trust you with one. >> you better not ever trust me with a dragon. >> seth: okay. >> it shoot fire and fly? >> seth: yeah. >> that means i'm gonna do drive-bys every weekend, son. argh! [ laughter ] why anthony didn't text me back? >> seth: oh! >> argh! [ light laughter ] >> you're a man. >> almost. >> what? now what that mean? [ light laughter ] what that mean? and sansa say, "yeah, he weird, but that's all right though." >> seth: that right there is like that thing where one of your family members comes to "snl" and you're like, "how did you like the show?" and they're like, "it was all right." [ laughter ] >> it was -- [ laughter ] >> we don't have time for all this. the night king has your dragon. >> bran, you not -- that's not how you introduce yourself to people. [ laughter ] you say, "hey, my name is bran." look at these dirty mother [ bleep ]. i bet you it stank like -- ooh, i bet you it stank like hot hell [ bleep ] up in there. [ light laughter ] >> seth: now, leslie, i have heard from some people that this episode is a little boring. >> what?
blasphemy. blasphemy. anybody said that, you start unfollowing me right now, 'cause you obviously don't watch "got." and you don't know this is a transition episode. this -- look at my girl. my girl. like look at my girl. look, she about to pop somebody in they face. what you mean boring? have you levitated? [ light laughter ] >> seth: what does levitated mean? >> what? you haven't levitate? yo, cut the cameras. cut this. cut the cameras. you ain't levitated? you must be out your damn mind. ♪ [ beat boxing ] >> seth: so -- >> levitation. >> seth: levitation, for those of you who don't know, is something that you have to go to massachusetts or colorado to do legally. [ light laughter ] >> levitation. [ laughter ] >> what do dragons eat anyway? >> whatever they want. >> they eat what they want, son! tell her ask a dragon what they
eat. they gonna say -- argh! [ laughter ] whatever the [ bleep ] i want! bring me some popeye's. [ laughter ] yo, this right here, look. see, this is an important episode. how are you going to say it's boring? it's so important. people who didn't see each other see each other now. [ light laughter ] watch. watch. look at bran. [ laughter ] sneaky ass. bran is like a goddamn -- what them -- peeping toms. he's like a peeping tom. bran just show up. >> how did you sneak up on me? >> arya! this is the reunion. look at the face in the back. >> seth: there's your peeping tom. >> him and bran be hanging out. >> where were you before? >> seth: treeping tom. >> treepin' tom. [ laughter ] >> seth: you smoked. >> in any event, you are most welcome here in king's landing, captain strickland. >> we look forward to fighting on your behalf. >> she like him, though.
he cute. he more honorable than that piece of [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] and this is what happens, though. look, the good man walks out and the piece of [ bleep ] stays and that's who we [ bleep ]. the piece of [ bleep ]. you know, as old as i'm getting, i'm starting to get to where i would date that dude. [ light laughter ] >> she gives me no sign of affection. my heart is nearly broken. >> oh, i'm so sorry. it could be broken. >> seth: you buying it? you buying it? >> no! >> seth: genuine? >> i would be like, "oh, i'm so sorry your heart broken." >> seth: have you bought it? have you bought it in the past? >> yes! of course. all the [ bleep ] time. every goddamn time. why do you think i'm sitting here [ bleep ] watching "game of thrones" with you and not home having sex with a [ bleep ] man? [ laughter ] >> seth: what? this isn't your first choice? >> [ bleep ]. >> seth: heartbreaking. >> i'm going to put a prince in your belly. >> oh! >> oh. >> seth: if a guy used that line on you, be honest -- >> i'd be like, "no, you ain't. i got the best birth control in detroit." [ laughter ]
my uterus got fort knox in that mother [ bleep ]. you ain't puttin' [ bleep ] in my belly -- [ light laughter ] -- except for some ribs. [ laughter ] [ door slams ] theon! >> seth: i think head-butts happen more on television than they do in real life. >> yeah, because do you know head-butts literally hurt for real? [ light laughter ] i've head-butted a couple people. ♪ i done been in some situations where my hands wasn't free. [ laughter ] >> seth: do you think flame sword is so happy when they go somewhere where there's no lights? >> yeah, he's crazy. >> seth: 'cause he's just all their friend. he's so important. >> he's pretty cocky. especially when somebody got to light a cigarette. [ light laughter ] look at this. yeah, exactly. >> seth: what -- oh. >> exactly. exactly. >> we just have to hope the night king doesn't come first. [ yelling ] [ laughter ]
[ yelling ] >> seth: okay. so the hard work is paying off. >> this is what i want to know -- >> seth: i'm telling you, nail the arms to the wall. >> that's what i'm saying. who did they get to do that? who did they get to do that? >> seth: this won't work. they say it'll work. >> did they -- did they -- i mean did they space it? >> seth: but the kid in the middle -- >> like, did they cut the arms? like who cut the arms? >> seth: and then when the times comes -- >> who cut 'em, and put 'em so -- >> seth: fire sword. >> couldn't even -- >> seth: beautiful. cut the -- >> so nice. [ light laughter ] >> seth: play it cool with the hood. whoa. >> yeah, my [ bleep ]. yeah, we got somebody that's going to welcome you here. look to your right. yeah, mother [ bleep ]! you pushed me out the window! [ laughter and applause ] i am in a wooden wheelchair! do you know how hard it is to be in a wooden wheelchair? yeah, bitch, you thought you killed me. you thought you killed me. you didn't. hello. [ light laughter ] he said all that. that's it. sorry. >> seth: wooo.
>> i thought it was good. >> seth: what are you going to do when it's over? when "game of thrones" leaves, what are you going to do? >> i'm going to make my own "game of thrones." >> seth: you are? what kind of character would you play? >> i'm gonna play all of them. >> seth: mm-hmm. >> i'm gonna play the night king. >> seth: so like "the klumps." >> no, that would be horrible. [ laughter ] come on over here, cletus. you gonna leave with enough, cletus. >> seth: now that, but in "game of thrones." now do that -- that as daenerys. >> come on over here, jon snow. you ain't gonna bend the knee. i swear to god, i'm gonna make you bend the knee. come on over here. >> seth: more, more, more! [ laughter ] [ farts ] >> i can't do it. [ laughter ] >> seth: hey, everybody, this was "game of jones." [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with amy sedaris, everyone. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪
howl whimper yap yap yap yip licking, scratching, scooting, and rubbing... may be signs of allergic itch, a medical condition that may require fast-acting, prescription apoquel. apoquel has helped over 6 million itchy dogs get the relief they deserve. apoquel goes right to the source of itch to provide relief in as little as four hours! woof because nothing should come between you and your furry friend... ...especially not allergic itch! apoquel is for the control of itch associated with allergic dermatitis and the control of atopic dermatitis in dogs. do not use apoquel in dogs less than 12 months old or those with serious infections. apoquel may increase the chance of developing serious infections and may cause existing parasitic skin infestations or pre-existing cancers to worsen. do not use in breeding, pregnant or lactating dogs. most common side effects are vomiting and diarrhea. don't wait. ask your veterinarian about apoquel today. apoquel. it's fast itch relief. paws down. bark
her emmy-nominated show "at home with amy sedaris" airs tuesdays on trutv. let's take a look. >> gosh, johnny, i am so thrilled that you were able to make it. it's the closest thing we have to a war hero. we all saw your latest film "sayonara nazi." it was a hoot and we love the scruff. it's very sexy. >> oh, thank you. i'm growing it out for my next part. "none came home but one." >> why, i never imagined anyone could pretend to act so brave. >> thank you for your fake service. >> it's just as hard as the real thing. >> no. >> nope. [ laughter ] >> seth: please welcome back to the show amy sedaris, everyone. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: amy, you're back. >> hi, i'm back. >> seth: i am always so thrilled to have you here. >> that's nice of you to say. >> seth: and i like -- one of the things i like to catch up on --. >> why are you yelling?
why are you yelling? i'm just kidding. >> seth: i'll get a lot quieter. [ light laughter ] i'm sorry. i'm so, so amped up that you're here, but i do like to
catch up on your rabbit, tina. >> yes. >> seth: you had some news on tina. >> i have some headline news on tina. tina -- she is a he. >> seth: oh, my goodness. [ laughter ] >> yeah. tina was having some problems with her gut. it's common in rabbits. >> seth: uh-huh. >> and the doctor was trying to put a -- insert a catheter, and she's like, "oh, i don't know how to tell you this, but, you know, she's a he." >> seth: and now how long have you had tina? >> four years. >> seth: yeah. >> i find out after four years. >> seth: wow. [ laughter ] >> and it's really different at home now because -- >> seth: really? >> oh, yeah. >> seth: do you find though, you're treating her differently? >> yeah. >> seth: or him differently now -- >> yeah, a lot of cussing. yeah. [ laughter ] very -- very interesting to have a male rabbit. >> seth: and you had a painting commissioned. >> oh, yeah. so, my brother's boyfriend, hugh hamrick is a decorative painter, and every year i'm allowed to ask him to paint two paintings for me. >> seth: okay. >> so i'm like, "when you gonna do a painting of tina?" you know? >> seth: mm-hmm. >> and at this time he painted -- did the painting, tina was a she. >> seth: mm-hmm. >> and so then after he have gave me the painting, i was
like, "i just found out tina was a boy." but anyway, this is tina as a girl but i'm like, "hugh, what is that?" [ laughter ] he's like, "what i
don't see what you're --" i go, "what? [ laughter ] you don't see that gigantic uncircumcised penis in this painting of tina?" so, tina must have been getting some male vibes. >> seth: yeah. throwing out that vibe. that's wonderful. that's like -- it's like one of those pictures you look at and go, "is it a young woman or an old woman?" >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> seth: and this is like, "is this a rabbit?" >> right. >> is the "e" another "i" as in ear. [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah. >> it's an old man. >> seth: it's an old man. >> but, you know, tina has a deformed paw, which was a plus for me. that's why i adopted it. [ laughter ] so, that's why he was trying to capture that. >> seth: what do you feed tina? and we are sticking with tina as the name. yes? >> yeah, i liked it with tina. >> seth: okay. right. okay, so. >> well, an assortment of greens and pellets and i give her a little banana. but, you know, for the carrot tops, which is her favorite. >> seth: oh, gotcha. >> i go to the grocery store, and, you know, i just -- sometimes people just snap the tops off and they discard them. so i get those carrot tops and i bring them home. they're free.
>> okay. >> you what i mean? they're free. >> seth: so these are people who bought carrots, didn't want the green parts and so they left them there? >> yeah. >> seth: and you took them as free? >> yeah, and some cashiers throughout the city, they save them for me. >> seth: oh, that's nice. >> and they're like, "amy, we got greens for you." [ light laughter ] yeah. so, sometimes when there aren't greens there, i just snap -- snap them off myself -- >> seth: right. >> -- and leave the carrots and take the greens. well, i got caught. >> seth: okay. [ laughter ] >> and then i got -- >> seth: so, where do you have them when you get caught? are they in your basket? >> they were ringing me up at the register, and they were just the tops. i go, "they're free." and the lady manager came over and she had the carrots in her hand. [ laughter ] and i lied to her. i said, "i didn't do that." >> seth: really? [ laughter ] yeah. i go, "i didn't do that. i'm here every day. i didn't do that." and then i felt bad. i was gonna go back and apologize, but i didn't do it. >> seth: okay, gotcha. [ laughter ] do you feel as though you worked through it here though? was that cathartic for you to admit? >> well, now when i go, i just hide. i'm in shame, and i just don't make eye contact. >> seth: you -- >> oh, come on. right. they're -- i mean, you know, big deal. >> seth: i have never put any thought into whether or not that part of the carrot should be paid for. [ laughter ] >> they're pretty out of a grocery bag. >> seth: yeah. >> you know, when you used to watch a movie, and they're sticking out of a, you know, bag
in the street. >> seth: yeah, exactly. a single girl trying to find love in a movie in new york city would want to have the greens coming out of her bag. >> yes, yes. >> seth: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> and like barbra streisand in "the way we were" when she runs into robert redford on the streets. she doesn't have baked potato, steak, you know, she grambles on. she's got -- >> seth: yeah. >> -- the greens, just like that. that was my barbra streisand. >> seth: it was really good. >> you know? [ laughter ] thank you. >> seth: you have to sometimes get tina's nails clipped? >> i do. >> seth: like, we have a very small dog that looks like a rabbit. >> oh. >> seth: and it's a -- she does not like that. >> oh, okay. >> seth: getting the nails clipped. >> well, what works for me is if you blow a little marijuana in the air. [ laughter ] seriously, the vet will say, "i'm coming over." i say, "let me get tina high." i don't blow it in his face. >> seth: mm-hmm. [ light laughter ] >> but you can with male rabbits. but i don't blow it in his face. i just kind of blow it around and then tina just completely relaxes. >> seth: do -- will you, like, blow a cloud and then wave tina through? [ laughter ] >> big tina's flying. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> flapping around. yeah. >> seth: really look, the size of that penis, you should have noticed.
yeah. [ laughter ] >> i can't even believe hugh didn't see that. it's a fantasy. >> seth: and i can't believe they told you it's a deformed paw. [ laughter ] you know, "whatever you say." [ laughter ] >> right, "whatever you say, boss." [ laughter ] yeah. >> seth: you talked about that you moved your bed once and you found that tina had -- had chewed a little hole in the carpet. >> yeah. yeah. >> seth: you decided not -- you just decided to, i guess based on this photo, let her continue to go crazy. >> that's somebody in my bed. my friend, adam helps me move my mattress. >> seth: yeah. >> since my husband died i need someone to help me. and then he helped me move my mattress up and this is the frame, and look at all the damage i found underneath my bed from a rabbit. >> seth: yeah. >> i mean, a rabbit. >> seth: it's amazing that you -- >> doesn't that look crazy? >> seth: yeah. >> how did i sleep through that? [ laughter ] how do i not -- how do i not -- >> seth: does that mean she's just loose at night. >> now, now seth. no judgment. [ laughter ] yeah. yes, tina is a free range bunny. it's all my fault. >> seth: free range. >> it's all my fault, and i know that, and the vet tells me -- >> seth: no. and look, i think tina has to have some culpability. we can't let him off the hook. >> well, no, rabbits -- she's a free roaming rabbit. my vets always like, "put her in
a pen." it's a long story. >> seth: yeah. but, you know, that's what i get. >> seth: yeah, no. >> that's an expensive rug, and i got a big, huge discount on it from a guy who lives in my building. >> seth: well, whoever buys it from you is gonna get an even bigger discount. [ laughter ] >> wow, that is -- she's not -- he's swallowing it, though. >> seth: okay, that's good. >> that's the important thing. the fibers aren't getting into his belly. but you should get a rabbit. but just not at easter. i think they're saying, i want mine -- the chocolate kind or something 'cause this is the time when people adopt rabbits. and then they grow up and then they dump them on the side of the highway. that's what happens. so. >> seth: that's why we always see rabbits on the side of the highway. there we go. >> always. always, and pull over yeah. >> seth: and like a week after easter, there's always traffic from all the -- the ditched rabbits. [ laughter ] l congratulations on "at home." it's such a wonderful show. >> thank you. >> seth: you have an incredible group of guest stars. >> yes we do. >> seth: that was michael shannon in that clip. >> yes. >> seth: our own fred armisen -- >> i know. >> seth: -- played a -- a landlord. right? >> yes, he played a landlord. [ cheers and applause ] look at that. you were so comfortable on set.
you were so nice. we had to say, "we're breaking for lunch, fred." you're like, "no, i'm gonna hang out on set." yeah, his scene took place in a bed. he was in bed the whole day. [ laughter ] and you were so calm and nice. you knew your lines. you added jokes. you were like the perfect guest. >> fred: oh, thank you. >> yeah, you can't come back next season, if we do one, because of other political reasons. [ laughter ] and also i loved your show with maya rudolph on amazon. >> fred: yeah, wasn't that great? >> seth: "forever," a fantastic show. >> i loved that, because you were talking about that when you were on the show. i'll be with you in a minute. you were talking about that when you were on the show. [ laughter and applause ] and you played it down. you're like, "oh." and i watched it. it was so great. >> fred: thank you. >> loved it. back to you, seth. >> seth: thank you very much. [ laughter ] >> you have a tan. >> seth: i do have a little tan. >> where'd you get your tan? >> seth: just being out. i tan pretty easy. >> do you? >> seth: yeah, i'm just outside with my kids. >> why? what's in your blood? >> seth: i don't know. >> really? >> seth: yeah. >> where do you go? washington square park to get your tan? you -- 'cause we're neighbors. >> seth: i do. i'm in washington square park. yeah, i'm down in there, and you know those people that just sit with tinfoil like that. >> me. >> yeah, me, myself. i'm just out there fully soaking it up. >> yeah. >> seth: letting my kids do whatever they want. it is always so -- >> that's it? >> seth: that's it. >> all right. you got a big political show up. i saw pete -- mayor pete.
>> seth: pete buttigieg. mayor pete buttigieg. >> and i remember -- i worked -- i saw obama when he was a senator. >> seth: yeah. >> and we were at a book expo, and he was reading from "audacity of hope," and i was reading "vaginal cleansing" from my book. >> seth: okay. >> i like it. >> seth: wow. >> and that's how we met. >> seth: you met? >> yeah, we met. >> seth: and you were like -- you guys are like book buddies. >> yeah, we were book buddies. >> seth: you were like book expo buddies. [ light laughter ] >> yeah. >> seth: have you stayed in touch with obama since the -- >> absolutely. absolutely. >> seth: yeah, good. good, good. i'm glad. he would be foolish to let you go as a friend. [ laughter ] it is always such a pleasure. >> so good. >> seth: thanks for being back. >> thanks for having me on. >> seth: that's amy sedaris. >> thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: "at home with amy sedaris" airs tuesdays on trutv. we'll be right back with pete buttigieg. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ -guys, i want you to meet someone. this is jamie. you're going to be seeing a lot more of him now. -i'm not calling him "dad." -oh, n-no. -look, [sighs] i get it. some new guy comes in helping your mom bundle and save with progressive, but hey, we're all in this together.
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: our next guess is the mayor of south bend, indiana, and a democratic candidate for president of the united states. please welcome back to the show mayor pete buttigieg. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: welcome back. [ cheers ] >> good to be back. >> seth: so you were -- you were here in june 2017. >> yep. >> seth: and i remember spending the whole day making sure i could say your last name right. and now you're so well-known, it just rolls off my tongue. >> yeah. >> seth: are you surprised at
the reaction you've gotten in these early days of, sort of, announcing your candidacy? >> yeah, just the speed of it. i mean, obviously we were hoping for a good reaction. we were hoping for a good response. but the way this thing has taken off has passed even our most optimistic scenarios. so now we've got a lot of work to do to make sure we have the organizing and the substance behind it to really take us all the way. but it's a fantastic beginning. >> seth: in the early days, before you had name and face recognition, were there humbling moments when you were out on the campaign trail? >> oh, yeah. i mean, not that long ago i was getting ready to board a flight to new hampshire. a few people recognized me, came up, said hello. and then the lady standing right next to me said, "you must be pete." i was like, "yeah." she clearly had seen these intersections. and we had a nice little chat. she said, "why are you going to new hampshire?" i said, "well, 'cause the campaign, of course." she said, "oh, right, right, right. what station are you a reporter for?" [ light laughter ] it was one of those moments that cut me back down to size. >> seth: yeah. >> i forgot that not everybody knows who i am. but, you know, that's the thing you've got to remember. you can feel like -- you can get into this bubble and feel like everybody has heard your message. when actually a lot of people still haven't dialed in for the process yet.
they're not following the blow by blow. and my job is to find as many different ways as possible to get the message out to new people. >> seth: i want to ask real quick, before i get back to your campaign and your candidacy, what was your initial reaction to what we saw today from barr and the release of the mueller report? >> i mean, i guess it confirmed a lot of things that we were worried about. that we have a president who acts in a self-serving way. that there was a lot of behavior that was at best unethical and legally problematic, to put it charitably. and, you know, the way that the attorney general conducted himself as though he were the personal attorney of the president was incredibly troubling, too. at the same time, i think politically i'm not sure it will change much. and it's one more reminder that if we really want to send trumpism into the history books, the best thing we can do is defeat it decisively at the ballot box in 2020. >> seth: you have -- [ cheers and applause ] they're --
[ cheers and applause ] i'm very good at -- i'm very good at judging how the audience feels about something. they are split right down the middle on this. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> seth: you -- you have a military background. one of the other things that's been true, i think, for the last two years, but especially upholding the focus today, is that donald trump sort of always seems to want to dismiss military intelligence -- >> yeah. >> seth: -- while at the same time boasting about what a great supporter of the military he is. is that a hypocrisy that is -- do you feel more acutely felt by you because of your military background? >> yeah, the thing that's upsetting is when you're -- especially in military intelligence, when you're deployed, like when i was in afghanistan, you do work believing -- you know, the highest honor, really, that can happen to you as a member of the intelligence community is that your work goes to a policymaker to help them make a decision. you believe that they read these things carefully. and when people are putting their lives on the line in order to support u.s. security through
good intelligence, you know, that whole system rests on the belief that the president, the generals, they are using that infor -- or at least reading it, right? but that they are using it wisely. to see the way that intelligence is being politicized, to see the way that military families are being treated as props by this president is demoralizing. and it's one more reason why it might not be a bad idea to have somebody in the white house who actually served. >> seth: you - [ cheers and applause ] i think there's this question, and obviously in order to be a successful democratic candidate, you have to bring together people from many diverse backgrounds. it's obviously a more diverse voting base than i think than what you think of as sort of a historically republican voting base. yet you -- so when you make a decision like, do you just commit to the democratic base? or when you make an approach to trump voters, how do you speak to them? what message is it that you, or any of your colleagues who are
trying to get this democratic nomination, approach trump voters? what's the message you try to give? >> well, look, there are some voters who we're never gonna get through to. but there are many others that i think we can. if somebody voted repeatedly democratic and then voted for this president, out of any number of reasons, but basically voted to burn the house down -- i want that voter back voting democrat again. and they're -- >> seth: 'cause they're sitting there in a house that burned down and they're like, "oh, no." [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> seth: this was a terrible idea. [ light laughter ] >> well, you know, to some extent it came from a level of frustration around the system. >> seth: sure. >> and that's not to excuse the racism and other things that went into that campaign. but i think people are more susceptible to those messages of racism and xenophobia if they also feel a certain level of insecurity or uncertainty in their economic and social lives. and so what i think we've got to do is we've got to reach out to those voters, reminding them that we're the ones trying to get you a raise. we're the ones trying to get paid family leave. we're the ones trying to stop the republican congress from taking away your health care. and while we do that -- and this
is the important thing alongside that -- we never budge on our bedrock commitment to racial and social justice. 'cause that's where our moral authority as a party comes from in the first place. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: you're going to stick around? we'll be right back with more from mayor pete buttigieg. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ boom! i fell 22 feet. i just remember climbing up the tree next thing i know i hit the ground. completely shattered my pelvis. in the middle of the woods. i called my wife, she thought i was jokin'. i said, "man, i'm not... i'm not." i was so lucky that day... saved my life. (vo) there for you when it matters most. now get a free galaxy s10e when you buy one, and $400 when you switch. only on verizon. at your fingertips. ♪
>> seth: welcome back to "late night." we're here with mayor pete buttigieg. you are a millennial mayor of a town in indiana, south bend. and you're very popular, it would seem, by most polls. but also, i think people maybe living in new york or across the country, don't realize that's a very diverse city that you represent. >> yeah. >> seth: you've had some successes. you've also had some issues with poverty, homelessness. >> yeah. >> seth: what part of being a mayor do you think is -- will sort of impose itself on the job of president most? >> well, i think what you learn when you're a mayor is that your job is not only to come up with good policies, also to run an administration capably, but also just to hold people together. and to make sure that you're calling people to their highest values. i think that might be the part that we're most missing in the white house right now. and if we want to deal with our toughest issues, we have to have that attitude. so in a place like south bend, still a largely low-income community, because of the departure of the auto industry that started in the '60s, we've been able to reduce poverty.
we've been able to put a lot of resources into dealing with things like homelessness. but you can't pretend that those problems have just gone away. and i guess, you know, at the national level, you know, the president thinks that when there's a problem, you can just say the opposite and will it away. whether it's north korea or whether it's a domestic issue. but when you're in a community, there are no alternative facts. if there's a problem that persists from a hole in the road to a homelessness issue, you have to just continue calling people together to work on it with you until it gets better. >> seth: i wanted to ask about this as well. during your announcement, you were on stage with your husband, chasten. and this must have been -- [ cheers and applause ] i mean, this is an incredible moment for anyone. for anyone to be with their partner on that day must be a special moment. but to think that only four years ago gay marriage was not legal, did that day have a special even added element to it for you? >> yeah. if nothing else, it's just a reason to believe. even at this dark and complicated and bleak moment in
american politics, it's a reason to be hopeful. i mean, running for office is an act of hope. you don't do it unless you believe that it's at least possible, using all of the mechanics of the political system to make better things happen. and as somebody whose marriage exists because nine women and men sat and took a vote, and by the grace of one vote, we get to be married now. i understand how the decisions that are made in those big white buildings really affect our lives. the idea that at the beginning of this decade, i had a choice. i could either be out or i could be in the military. i could either be out or i could run for elected office. at least that's how i viewed it at the time. and the idea that just a few years later, i announced a campaign for the american presidency, and my husband comes out on the stage to be with me after i do it, just shows you what's possible in this country. >> seth: it was a wonderful thing to watch. [ cheers and applause ] this is mind-blowing to me. you -- you are the youngest person, as of now, running for president. but more people are joining every day. so don't -- [ laughter ] >> you never know.
>> seth: don't think you've got that one for life. also, bernie sanders is the oldest person currently running for president. when you were 18-years-old, you won an essay in 2000 writing about bernie sanders. >> yes. [ laughter ] >> seth: and there you wore -- that's a -- i would call that a high school cut. [ laughter ] >> thank you for sharing that photo with the american people. i really appreciate that. [ light laughter ] >> seth: but it must be surreal to you now to -- obviously bernie was someone who was influential to you back then to be sort of in the same sphere as him now. >> yeah. i mean, i wrote the essay -- i feel like someone who claims to have discovered a band before they were cool. [ light laughter ] he was an obscure congressman from vermont, and i just thought there was something really compelling about the way he said what he believed at a time when it didn't feel like we had a lot of that in politics. so i wrote it up, and i won that essay contest. it is a little strange to be competing with him now. but frankly, a lot of the people i'm competing with are people i admire. i'm not -- i don't view this process right now as having opponents as much as it has competitors. and we can have a lot in common,
at the same time have rather different messages and be very different messengers. >> seth: my favorite thing about it, is it sounds like a way he could burn you. like, "i was a congressman when you were writing essays about me!" [ laughter and applause ] that would probably be the way he would say it if he also was being nice about it. [ light laughter ] this is a photo that went around. you -- again, you are running for president, but you're still doing your duties as mayor. tell us what's happening in this photo right here? >> oh, yeah. this is a really fun one. so i got to the office early, which is rare. i was knocking out some work. i stepped out in the hallway to use the bathroom and the elevator opened and this couple turned up and said, "mayor" -- this is exactly the kind of moment that my staff tries to avoid, right? that i'm alone, you know, interacting with people accosting me, wanting something. but, like, when you're mayor, you have to have time for everybody. >> seth: sure. >> and, you know, i was trying to be polite, by letting them know i didn't have a lot of time. and then they explained why they were there. she was on her way to get a c-section at 9:00. this must have been about 8:15. and she said, "i want to tell
mom all the news at once. so we were wondering if you could marry us." >> seth: wow. [ light laughter ] >> so i though, wait, i can make time for that. [ laughter ] so we came into the office. i found a staff member who found some ribbon. they hadn't had time to get a ring, so we took ribbon and made a little -- made little rings out of it. and i knocked out, you know, "by the powers vested in me by the state of indiana." knocked out the wedding in about 20 minutes and then sent them to their way to the hospital. and later we got a picture of them with a really healthy kid, and we're just so happy for them. >> seth: that's fantastic. [ cheers and applause ] i also like -- i like that an indiana mayor's office does look like the set of "parks and recreation." [ laughter ] i do -- i do enjoy that. definitely he's wearing andy costume right there. [ laughter ] hey, everybody, that's mayor pete buttigieg. [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with more "late night." thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ j.d. power ranked us number one in customer satisfaction,
and tripadvisor named us the best airline in the u.s. because we do everything differently... on purpose, for one purpose: you. you're the reason we fly to 100 destinations. and why we don't charge you fees to change your flight or check two bags. you. you. over 134 million of you chose to fly southwest last year. that's what matters most to us. [clap,clap,ding] the savings add up!... that's what matters most to us. with 25% off select nike and converse! save on women's nike shoes... men's nike polos... kids' nike tees - just $14.99... and - converse shoes for the family. plus - get kohl's cash! right now... at kohl's.
milk, fresh cream and only sustainably farmed vanilla. it's made with fresh cream, sugar and milk. breyers the good vanilla. we proudly partner with american farmers for grade a milk and cream. mmm! dad, it's fine. we have allstate. and with claimrateguard they won't raise your rates just because of a claim. that's why you're my favorite... i know. are you in good hands?
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everyone. recently, there have been a number of exciting discoveries in space exploration. for example, scientists announced that they've obtained the first ever picture of a black hole, but that's not the only -- [ cheers ] -- yeah, very exciting. but that's not the only exciting space news. nasa recently announced that they were able to use the hubble and gaia space telescope to
collect incredible new intel in our home -- on our home galaxy, the milky way. and here to talk about that discovery, please welcome, the milky way. [ cheers and applause ] >> hi. hi. [ cheers and applause ] hi. hey, hey, guys. hi, it's so exciting to be there. >> seth: hey. milky way, it's so great to have you and thanks for being a great home galaxy for our planet. >> oh, my gosh. you're so welcome. i love you guys. >> seth: mm-hmm. [ light laughter ] >> honestly, there's a lot of space that it's just so boring, but i think you guys are so cool. >> seth: well, thank you. so, you just spent some time being observed by nasa. >> oh, yeah. i love those guys. they're so smart. [ laughter ] oh, and the fact that they were even paying attention to me is just so cool. you know? 'cause they're so interesting. it's so great. >> seth: yeah. [ light laughter ] and according to a new post on nasa's blog, you're pretty interesting, too. for instance, we now know that you contain about 200 billion stars and roughly 87% of your composition is dark matter, a
mysterious substance that we still don't know much about. >> well, a guy's got to have his secrets. [ laughter ] >> seth: perhaps the most interesting thing nasa reported was that they can now measure the weights of galaxies, and they said compared to other galaxies in the universe, you're actually on the beefier side. [ audience aws ] [ laughter ] >> they said what? >> seth: oh. well, they said that they were able to measure your weight and based on -- >> yeah, no. yeah. yeah, what they said -- they said what? they said -- they called me beefier? >> seth: yeah. well, they said that you weigh 1.5 trillion times more than the sun, which is pretty big compared to other galaxies. >> yeah, no. [ laughter ] yeah, it's just beefier. yeah. you know, it's -- that's not even science language. [ laughter ] it's just strange that they would put that in a report. you know? >> seth: well, i'm sorry. is that upsetting to you? because i'm sure it wasn't meant as an insult. >> no. yeah, no. it's fine. [ laughter ]
no, you know, no. it's -- it's fine. i'm just, you know -- i'm a fat cow freak. >> seth: no. [ laughter ] >> yeah. and yeah, yeah. that's just -- that's -- that's what i am. >> seth: no, no. look, it's like a compl -- it's like you're robust. you're healthy. >> oh, save it. [ laughter ] no, i get it, loud and clear. like okay, so i'm not the most tight and firm galaxy. fine. [ laughter ] i'm not like that slutty black hole leaking its nudes online. [ laughter and applause ] okay? i guess what nasa -- i guess what they're really saying is that nobody can ever love a fat, lard-ass galaxy like me. right? >> seth: no. look, no, no. knowing the mass of a galaxy can help researchers understand so many things. like how old a galaxy is. >> oh, okay. [ laughter ] >> seth: i didn't mean. >> no, i see. i'm a fat old ugly cow. >> seth: that's not -- look -- [ laughter ] >> mooo. >> seth: with this -- no. with this information -- look, nasa has already been able to learn really important things about the nature of the universe. this is ground breaking
information. >> ground breaking. nice. [ laughter ] >> seth: that's on me. i apo -- i should have used a different word. >> oh, god. seth, you're such a bitch! [ laughter and applause ] in fact, all of you. all of you are bitches! [ laughter ] laughing at me. thinking i'm stupid. well, i'm not stupid! okay? oh, and for the record, this little galaxy can get it whenever it wants. [ laughter ] in fact, i've got a couple of solar winds that come around, and they know how to appreciate all of this magnificence. yeah, and i'm headed to their place right now. and i'm gonna get me mine. and i'm not even going to reciprocate. mmm. [ laughter ] so while you trash-ass hoe-bags and slut-bags can go talk all the cheap smack you want, because this milky way knows what it's worth. [ laughter ] and frankly, i don't give a damn
what you think. thank you, next! >> seth: okay, all right. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i am very sorry about that. that quite clearly got out of hand, and i assure you, it was never my -- okay. uh-oh. >> oh. oh, yes, solar wind. >> seth: oh, no. >> oh, just like that. >> seth: oh, okay. >> yeah, right in the nebula. >> seth: all right. looks like we might die now. >> oh, yeah. >> seth: stayed tuned, just in case we survive. we'll be right back. >> oh, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ yeah. uh-huh. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] low battery sound. do you want a charge? yeah battery charging. ♪ ♪
thank you so much. battery charging. ♪ we'll take great care of him we get it you got it oh! thank you we're petsmart thank you we're hugging so, i started with the stats regarding my moderate to severe plaque psoriasis. like how humira has been prescribed to over 300,000 patients. and how many patients saw clear or almost clear skin in just 4 months - the kind of clearance that can last. humira targets and blocks a specific source of inflammation that contributes to symptoms.
numbers are great. and seeing clearer skin is pretty awesome, too. that's what i call a body of proof. humira can lower your ability to fight infections. serious and sometimes fatal infections, including tuberculosis, and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened, as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common and if you've had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flu-like symptoms or sores. don't start humira if you have an infection. want more proof? ask your dermatologist about humira. this is my body of proof. spand so do the savings ats kohl's.... with an extra 20% off! save on spring dresses... kids' easter attire - 40% off! and home decor. plus - take an extra $10 off your $50 or more home sale purchase!... plus - get kohl's cash! thursday through saturday - at kohl's.
freelance now yeah, i guess ♪ ♪ you earned it life is only wishing we could load it level up, you've got ♪ ♪ to make a bonus mystic staring at his phone for oneness silver or black mirror ♪ ♪ what's the difference imitation always gets a bad rep, man witches' brew had me ♪ ♪ on the first sip, man ♪ ♪ ♪ smells like autumn smells like leaves you don't know that you'll rust and not ♪ ♪ belong so much and then get left alone left alone ♪
♪ cloud hidden and my whereabouts unknown cazadero got me wearing all camo ♪ ♪ decked in patagonia head to toe down for whatever i guess i let go ♪ ♪ no more shoes and socks i only rock sandals i can't tell if i'm hip or ♪ ♪ getting old i can't hear you maybe you could change your tone ♪ ♪ people tend to listen when they see your soul ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ oh, walk on the water ah, ah, ah ah, ah, ah, ah ah, ah, ah, ah ♪ ♪ ah, ah, ah, okay
just for me baby okay sometimes i think ♪ ♪ we are from the same place now i don't what just happened ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: toro y moi, everyone. "outer peace" is out now. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] yap yap yap yip licking, scratching, scooting, and rubbing... may be signs of allergic itch, a medical condition that may require fast-acting, prescription apoquel. apoquel has helped over 6 million itchy dogs
get the relief they deserve. apoquel goes right to the source of itch to provide relief in as little as four hours! woof because nothing should come between you and your furry friend... ...especially not allergic itch! apoquel is for the control of itch associated with allergic dermatitis and the control of atopic dermatitis in dogs. do not use apoquel in dogs less than 12 months old or those with serious infections. apoquel may increase the chance of developing serious infections and may cause existing parasitic skin infestations or pre-existing cancers to worsen. do not use in breeding, pregnant or lactating dogs. most common side effects are vomiting and diarrhea. don't wait. ask your veterinarian about apoquel today. apoquel. it's fast itch relief. paws down. bark
♪ ♪ ♪ get triple action moisturizer. and 48 hour protection. from full time keeper... ...to part time coach. new dove men+care sportcare. tough on sweat, not on skin. with peak season berries, uniqcreamy avocado. and a dressing fit for a goddess. come taste what a salad should be. and with panera catering, there's more to go around. panera. food as it should be. no matter what life throws down roomba is up for the challenge. only roomba uses 2 multi-surface rubber brushes that powerfully clean up debris on all your floors.
and only the (new) roomba i7+ empties its own bin into a disposable bag. so you can forget about vacuuming for weeks. if it's not from irobot, it's not a roomba. i can customize each line for each family member? yup. and since it comes with your internet, you can switch wireless carriers, and save hundreds of dollars a year. are you pullin' my leg? nope. you sure you're not pullin' my leg? i think it's your dog.
oh it's him. good call. get the data options you need and still save hundreds of dollars... do you guys sell other dogs? now that's simple, easy, awesome. customize each line by paying for data by the gig or get unlimited. and now get $100 back when you buy a new lg. click, call, or visit a store today. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: thanks to amy sedaris, mayor pete buttigieg, leslie jones, toro y moi. [ cheers and applause ] fred armisen, 8g band. stay tuned for "carson daly." we'll see you tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
IN COLLECTIONSKNTV (NBC) Television Archive Television Archive News Search Service
Uploaded by TV Archive on