tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC July 11, 2019 12:37am-1:38am PDT
[ applause ] [ applause ] >> announcer: live from 30 rockefeller plaza it's "late night with seth meyers." jokes that seth can't tell, plus terry crews. and john listenerer. ladies and gentlen, seth meyers [ applause ] >> seth: i'm seth meyers we're live it is 12:35 a.m. this is "late night." how's everybody doing tonight? in that case, let's get to the news tonight was the first democratic presidential debate between elizabeth warren, cory booker,
your middle school vice principal, the lady who kept your frisbee, the guy your mom dated after the divorce, and three bill de blasios. so it was quite a field. [ applause ] senator elizabeth warren was the only candidate appearing in tonight's debate who has been polling in double digits but to be fair bill de blasio also gets double digits. during tonight's debate, beto o'rourke answered a portion of the current question in spanish. and then he answered the next question in irish. tonight's democratic debate featured questions sent in by viewers, which explains why rachel maddow asked cory booker why isn't "chicago med" on
senator elizabeth warren said the next president needs to have the courage to take on the giants which was awkward because bill de blasio was right next to heir former representative john delaney appeared confused when asked to be the first candidate to give a closing statement. even i forgot i was here [ applause ] i mean it might have been why am i here according to reports, former vice president joe biden requires that his paid speaking engagements accommodate him with raspberry sorbet and he asked for the angel hair just to smell it
president trump today attacked meagan latino for saying she wouldn't attends the white house if they win the women's world cup. i'm a big fan but she should win first before she finishes the job. the only time you've ever said mia hamm is when you're ordering dinner mia ham and her a chicken. you wanted a chicken, right? her a fish and finally according to new research an octopus's arms makes decisions independently from their brain. same, says joe biden ladies and gentlemen, we have a fantastic show tonight he's the host of "america's got talent" currently in its 14th season on nbc.
our friend terry cruz. and his stand out special is fantastic. it's currently streaming on netflix. anthony jeselnk so happy that you're talking to him. before we get to our fantastic guests, 10, count them 10 democratic candidates squared af in the presidential debate for more, it's time for a closer look donald trump is constitutionally incapable of sharing the spotlight with anyone. so are democratic taking the stage. he went to something called the faith and freedom conference to gurgal up old man nonsense >> we said merry christmas, you remember i usually save flat november, december but i was thinking they're all taking it down off the department's doors, everything happy holidays
they're saying merry christmas again, it's interesting. our president may not be the best at the bible, he may not have read it 2,000 times but he's the best for us my wife watched. i said, you have to see this it's great invention it's called tivo you know it's like better than television because television you never see it i played it back >> seth: oh, my god get me off this cruise ship is this a presidential speech or bingo night? this guy shouldn't be standing behind a presidential seal, he should be wandering down the hallway of a group home with a nurse chasing after him, screaming, donald, your gown is on backwards [ cheers and applause i'm sorry. you just heard about tivo? trump's brain is permanently stuck in 1989.
have you heard this new food called go-gurt it's a game changer. he was more off kilter with the democratic debate looming and robert mueller's agreed to testify before congress next month. and it clearly got in trump's head because he called up and rambled about mueller. trump was referring to unearthed text messages between two fbi agents having an affair. >> robert mueller, they worked for him, and the two lovers were together, and they had texted back and forth >> how come we haven't seen it all? yogave william barr -- >> he terminated them illegally. he terminated the emails he terminated all of the stuff robert mueller terminated their text messages together
he terminated them they're gone and that's illegal >> seth: deleted the word you're looking for is deleted. my god, man, go back to watching tivo and now you're accusing robert mueller of a crime look at this guy i doubt he's ever jaywalked in his life robert mueller gives speeding tickets by chasing them on foot. now this was just the first of two debates with 10 more scheduled thursday there are now a total of 24 democrats running for president. there are so many people you didn't notice one of them is guy fieri. and he's definitely more qualified than donald trump because heat he's the mayor of flavor town.
great bowling alley. terrible schools of course -- we'll cut out that. cut out the flavor town joke i fought for all day live [ laughter ] of course with ten people on the stage, the candidates knew to stand out, which is why they were preparing in different ways to make their case as concise and effective as possible. >> senator elizabeth warren and her rivals are busy. warren has focused on boiling down her position to fit the time constraints senator amy klobuchar has spent time watching the 2016 debates to see how president trump and his gop rivals stood out in this back crowded field >> you're studying trump's debate to see how he stood up? which one did you watch? did you watch the time where trump and ben carson missed
their cues and got stuck in the hallway of the debate stage? or in the case where he stood out literally. and the two guys who ended up in the federal government are the one whose turned a presidential debate into an escape route. seriously what lessons can you learn from the debate performances limit your vocabulary to four words, and if you get lost, remember to act natural and stair directly into the camera, like you're having your portrait drawn. [ cheers and applause now before the debate, the candidates also showed up, checked out the debate stage who got stuck spotting a casual look >> he's doing his walk through that's going to be happening through the course of the day. there's tim ryan wearing his cap backwards.
>> seth: uh. hey, guys, there aren't cameras here now, right? did you get confused and think this way your office softball game you look like you should be slamming some tall boys at red sox game most democrats seemed to enjoy talking about policy and the campaign has been incredibly substantive. kamala harris has a plan for households and senator e-elizabeth warren was so excited to discuss the plan to tax the wealthy that she could hardly contain herself >> thank you, senator warren for being here how the do you plan to make sure the rich pay their fair share of the taxes? >> whoa! >> seth: whoa, taxes that question was elizabeth warren's mardi gras.
i've seen more than walking up to chris cuomo at a party and sawing do you know anything about cross fit? while the polls have stayed mostly flat, warren was stock has been rising and that's caught the attention of both the democratic front runner, joe biden and president trump. >> new polling shows warren's economic message is resonating with voters. in the latest nbc news "wall street journal" poll, 26% say they're enthusiastic that's a six-point bump from last month it might explain why biden's team is also reportedly getting worried about her rise, and president trump's campaign is zeroing in on the threat that she could pose >> come on, donald trump doesn't zero in. if anything he zeros out and i can't imagine zeroing on elizabeth warren she was running to catch a train at penn station. can you imagine if trump was
late for a train mike pence would have to carry him on his back like a tired 4-year-old with warren the obvious stand out, the other candidates are looking for ways to shine, and beto o'rourke settled on a strategy of going bilingual right out of the gate. >> this economy has got to work for everyone and right now we know that it isn't. it's going to take all of us coming together to make sure that it does [ speaking foreign language] >> seth: i mean, i knew he was going to bust out in spanish, i just didn't know it was going to be that quickly. remember you only have one bullet so make sure you see the wife and bang. and check out cory booker's face after beto's answerer. [ speaking foreign language] >> seth: now, now you might think that's the face of the guy thinking i can't believe you're pandering by speaking spanish,
but it's actually the face of a guy thinking oh, man, i was going to do that [ speaking foreign language] >> seth: not only do i applaud them speaking spanish, you know everyone in tomorrow's debate who doesn't speak spanish is going to spend the whole day cramming the question they want answered is - [ speaking foreign language now, beto, beto has been struggling in the polls despite being engaged in senate campaign against ted cruz >> congressmen delaney, do you agree? >> i think we need do real things to help american workers and the american people. >> seth: quick question. who are you?
you look like you were supposed to be in a lawn chair commercial during the break, but they accidentally let you stay. there was tim ryan who seemed quite surprised he got a question >> and promised that manufacturing jobs wereler coming back to places like your home state of ohio can you make that same promise >> yes, i believe you can. >> tim ryan always looks like his dog just talked. rusty, did you just say good morning? then the debate moderators gave the policy question who would with abolish their private health insurance >> who here would abolish their private health insurance in favor of a government-run plan
>> seth: not only did warren raise her hand, check out mayor bill de blasio he's got to be so happy he raised his hand with when warren did. it's like when you take the sats and peek at the it top student's test and you have the same answer >> would you replace private insurance? >> no, i think the choice is fundamental to - >> congressman o rourke, private insurance is not working for ten oz of millions of americans when you talk about the co pays, the deductibles, the out of pocket expenses it's not working it's not working >> they can choose medicare -- >> you've got to start by acknowledging the system is not working for people >> look at those two they look like stock brokers who got too drunk at happy hour. it's like watching the new york jets play guys that got cut from the new york jets.
>> mayor de blasio it ways trying to get a word in so much that he was yelling over the moderator. >> put the american people first. >> we're out of time -- mayor de blasio, we'll have more. the commercial is coming >> that's so new york. it's like when you're trying to talk to someone as the subway doors are closing. what did you call me what did you say, pal? i'm referring to a time when the subway doors in the city closed. it was a substantive edition and after about an hour of complex questions from everything to gun control to health -- tweeting boring ppt -- i'm sorry, are you not entertained culigula i say we should send you out there to spice things up but you'd probably just get stuck in the hallway. this escape room is boring don't you are es all most
americans are dieing for things to be boring for a while i fantasize about the day i turn on cnn and there's a ban that says no breaking news. things were also a little weird when the debate switched to the second hour turned weirder for the moderators >> 30 seconds for a follow up and we will be ruthless if necessary. >> yeah, we can do that. by the way how are you doing >> fine, how are you >> we know you know each other the candidates each get nine seconds to speech and you're chatting it up like old college friends. it's like they were waiting for somebody to come by and steak their order. but then what's they got their small talk out of the way, they were ready to go to with a transition to the next portion of the debate. >> many are calling for a reparations to an assault weapons ban. should there be a role for the federal government -
>> everybody's mics are on i heard that too i think we had a mic issue in the back >> control room -- >> yeah, we have the audio - >> what's happening? >> we're hearing our colleague's audio. if the control room could turn off the mic. if the controom could turn off the mics of our previous moderators >> you know we prepared for everything we did not prepare for this. >> we're going to take a quick break, get this technical situation fixed. we'll be right back. >> seth: maybe you have spent more time checking the audio and less time saying hello to each other. i'm surprised warren didn't bust out a tool kit, "i can fix it." p[ cheers and applause ] and of course, our tv game show host president who has nothing to say about policy, had plenty to say saying nbc news and msnbc
news should be ashamed of a technical break doun during the debate boring hey man, i wouldn't be tweeting about technical glitches you think tivo is new technology, i wouldn't be tweeting about technology. they should have used a zune i know he was tivoing that moment many times. melania, watch chuck todd get interrupted. how will you get your agenda passed if there's a republican congress they asked warren if she had an idea of of dealing with that >> do you have a plan to deal with with mitch mcconnell? [ cheers and applause >> i do. [ applause ] >> seth: damn. if mitch mcconnell were capable of feeling human motion, he'd be terrified right now. that's the moment everyone else wondered, maybe i should just go
that was like when the matriarch of a southern dynasty stood up when warren said that, booker's face got permanently stuck like that and ryan's hat got glued back on his head who's running a campaign focused primarily on climate change. tried to get the attention of the moderators and then made it weird. >> governor, you're going to be happy with where we go governor insley, the next question is for you. you got me [ laughter ] >> seth: he's like the corny dad at the party who wants to make sure everyone's had enough to drink. chad, i'm watching you buddy when that drink runs out, i'm getting you a refill, chad they showed us that a substantive campaign focussed on issue and terminating emails is possible but it proved once again there's
a reason "jeopardy" has three contestants and not ten. if you missed tonight's debate, don't worry the president has a high tech solution for how you can watch it >> there's a great new invention. it's called tivo this has been a closer look. we'll be here right back [ cheers and applause ♪ >> announcer: for more of seth's "closer looks" be sure to subscribe to "late night" on youtube. try target same day delivery.
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>> seth: welcome back, you know here at "late night" every night i deliver a monologue, comprised of jokes written by diverse field of female writers. as a result jokes come across my desk that as a straight white male it would be difficult for me to deliver but we don't think that should stop you from enjoying them. so a segment we like to call jokes seth can't tell. these are two of my writers. >> i'm black >> and i'm gay >> and we're both women. >> and i'm not i'll lead the set up for these jokes and they'll read the punch line here we go in honor of lgbt pride month, bud lite will be selling rainbow colored bottles.
>> well thanks said, mostly the l's. >> seth: a street in los angeles was recently renamed barack obama boulevard >> if it's not, it's about to be >> seth: ireland has banned an antigay preacher from entering the country. >> his name is the pope. >> seth: rolling stone published a book about a visit to a white nationalist cookout. >> that's terrible says a person eating at the white nationalist cookout. no, i've eaten it before on a dare i got $10. >> seth: the website refinery29 recently posted a list of possible wedding gifts for lesbian brides >> a lesbian bride is like a straight bride except she's experienced orgasm
true >> seth: after a seven-year absence, nbc announced they're bringing back their genealogy series "who do you think you are?." >> but this time they're calling it "surprise you're related to slave owners"" >> seth: this next joke is about puerto ricans. it was announced briefly that oprah has donated $3 million to relief efforts in puerto rico. >> i'm glad she did that but when is she going to get married. >> come out. >> seth: how did you come out? >> i just showed up with a rainbow colored bud lite bottle. >> seth: nbc has ordered a new spin off called "law and order hate crime." >> it's just body camera footage. just kidding they turn the body cams off for that stuff
>> seth: ha-ha i'm glad you're charming [ laughter ] officials in florida yesterday pulled over a woman hiding a foot-long alligator in her yogo pants. >> to be fair it's the only form of birth control her insurance would cover. >> seth: we're going to get you a pants alligator. >> hey >> seth: an ice cream chain in new york city created a so-called gelato burger, with gelato between two chocolate buns >> and if you want to know what sweet chocolate buns look like, marry me [ applause ] >> is there one? >> seth: no, i don't think i should i don't think it will end well okay
i trust you both an ohio bar is selling a period themed margarita it's like a regular margarita except it's acting like total pitch right now. no i understand now the kind of joke you're looking for, and i have recalibrated my taste let me try again the bbc recently published an article called new lesbians need new safe places. they already have a bunch. they're called super cuts. >> how dare you? >> seth: you told me it would be okay >> you should be ashamed of yourself >> seth: black women and lesbians are liars we'll be right back with terry crews everybody. [ cheers and applause ♪ we run right into these crises,
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this is and because alling of the devices onching. fred's wifi network are protected with xfinity xfi, literally, nobody's watching. except for millions of you, of course. wait, millions of people are watching? yeah. we're making a commercial. if it's connected, it's protected with xfinity xfi. now that's simple, easy, awesome. xfinity delivers the best in-home wifi experience. plus, add xfi advantage for enhanced network security. click, call or visit a store today to learn more. ♪ >> seth: welcome back everybody. give it up for the 8g band right over there also joining us on the drums from the legendary rock band,
the super chunks, and he can also be heard on the new album "mountain goats in league with dragons." thank you so much for being here our next guest a an actor, former nfl player, you know from "brooklyn 99" and the "expendables." he hosts "america's got talent" on nbc our friend, terry crews, everybody. [ applause ] ♪ >> seth: oh terry. we thought to ourselves who can we book for a live show that's on at 12:37 at night who's not going to be tired?
terry crews. >> exactly, that's right i'm going to the workout after this i usually wake up about 3:00 to go to the gym so it's perfect. >> seth: so you're hosting "americas got talnet." >> yeah. >> seth: as a host, how do you think you would do hosting the debates tonight? >> i would literally liven the sucker up. come on, elizabeth warren, tell them what you got. it's a cage match. >> seth: give them more energy >> i would make them arm wrestle. they would basically be wrestling each other a lot of games, perching in the face take that. >> seth: i feel like if you start with 10, let's end with eight. >> right, somebody should not survive. and that would keep everybody focused in >> seth: you're not a competitive person >> i believe competition is the opposite of creativity
it's ridiculous to me. i was in the nfl i did the whole -- entertainment thing is all about competing with each other, but i discovered is that that whole this leaves everyone broken and bloody i decided to walk off and do my own thing and stay creative and that's where i found my goal >> seth: that's fantastic. >> yes >> seth: and yet you find yourself hosting a competition >> yes well, america wants blood, seth. first of all "america's got talent" could easily be an exhibition they want people to go home. they want people to die. that's why i would literally say someone has to be killed i'm so sorry i didn't vote on this. >> seth: did you do as a talent show something you did as a kid? >> first of all, growing up in flint, michigan, my mom -- yes, my mom was very religious. i was not allowed to listen to
secular music, play sports, everything i do today i was not allowed to do. so what was crazy is she wouldn't let me perform in a talent show. so i begged and begged and she said no, no. and i said well, can i host it and she was like oh, damn. okay and let me tell you i hosted my high school talent show, and not knowing that that would be my future, that i would eventually grow up to host the world's biggest talent show. it's serendipity >> seth: you did not go straight from the nfl to acting you had some time in between and i've read that you were ice cube's security guard. >> it wasn't even ice cube security i was like ice cube's car security i was like ice cube's car security watch my car nothing better happen to my car and i'm like i got you
it wasn't sexy it wasn't nice i actually was security on "next friday" and ended up in "friday after next." which is crazy i did the third movie. and i just thank him for this day. >> seth: when you showed up for "friday after next" did he remember you as the guy who used to watch his car >> totally he's like you're that dude that used to wash the car i'm going to tell you this he watched me in "training day" as an extra he's like i really liked "training day" the way you were standing there, muscles glistening and he gave me a part. every time i see cube, i'm like hi, sir. oh, dam. even though i'm acting, i'm doing my thing, he's still my boss psychologically it never changes >> seth: certain things never do a few times he's been here he's a lovely person to talk to, but i can't believe i'm talking to him. >> i want to watch his car
i'm going to watch it right now. >> seth: i want to ask about "brooklyn 99" congratulations. i'm so happy - [ cheers and applause obviously you mostly shoot in l.a. and now being in new york, do people recognize you more, and appreciate it's a show about brooklyn >> first of all my daughter lives in brooklyn, and i make her take me places so i can get recognized oh, hi it's "brooklyn 99" and i'm like yeah, i do that show >> seth: does your daughter know what you're doing? >> she's like, no, dad, you need to stay inside but let's just walk down the street, please >> seth: you deserve it. >> i know, thank you >> seth: you deserve it. congratulations on "america's got talent", "brooklyn 99," and thank you have so much for being
here in a live show. it's always such a pleasure. terry crews, "america's got talent." tuesdays at 8 on nbc [ applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ wherever you are... whatever you're craving... and whenever you're craving it... doordash has the restaurants you want. delivered to your door. wherever your door happens to be. download doordash. the most restaurants across america. first order, $0 delivery fee. this is you shopping. and this is you maximizing at t.j.maxx. get more of the brands you love and quality you want, and save every time. it's not shopping, it's maximizing.
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>> seth: we'll be live again tomorrow night for debate night. we'll be right back. guys - i've got an idea. ooh - what is it? so people love iphone xr, right? well, it does have an incredible camera. and it comes in all those amazing colors. uh-huh. what if we give the people iphone xr when they join t-mobile? iphone xr on us? yeah. iphone xr on us. what's not to love about that! for a limited time, join t-mobile and get the awesome iphone xr on us.
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see you at denny's or dennys.com >> seth: our next guest is a comedian/writer whose latest special "fire in the maternity ward" is screening on netflix. please welcome anthony jeselnik, everyone >> seth: thank you for being here live. >> thank you for not making me dance on to the stage. i saw terry before i was like, i do not have that kind energy. >> seth: we thought you would be a nice counterbalance. >> we go everywhere together >> seth: you are one of my favorite joke writers. there so many jokes in it.
a lot of jokes about kids. do you ever yourself think about having kids? >> i used to not i enjoy my freedom and my money, but then i actually had some friends -- i'm friends with a lesbian couple this is a story about lesbians you had me on live tv. you knew what you were doing they came to me, and we were like, we want to have a baby, and we asked one of our friends, and he said i don't think i could be a father in that way where i have a baby in the world but i'm not around in its life, and i said well, you just hit the jackpot. because there is nothing, nothing i would like more than to have a baby and have nothing to do with it ever i'm in for sure. they're like great we're going to go through a lawyer it's an official thing okay, lawyer emails me
he syas here's the contract. i'm going to call you tomorrow next day lawyer calls, says did you read the contract? i said, i didn't even finish the email. what do you need besides my sperm? and she says i got to ask you some questions first, are you married no, but wouldn't that be hilarious if i was if i didn't want to cheat, i just wanted the consequences [ laughter ] no, i'm not married. i say are you in a sexual relationship with this couple? am i in a sexual relationship with my married lesbian friends who have dedicated their lives to proving they're not into that no, i'm not. that's a stupid question she says, do you have a plan to get into a sexual relationship of course i do [ laughter ] of course i have a plan.
like i know how i would do it if i had to you know, ridiculous question. next she says now they own the sperm. are you okay with them throwing out the extra once they're pregnant absolutely not [ laughter ] you keep that in your purse forever as a reminder. final question she says, if they have extra sperm, are they allowed to sell it to other women who want to have your baby that's how they get you. i'm like, there's no way i'm putting my sperm on the open market there would be riots the lawyer says, well, two things you're not allowed to talk about this. [ laughter it's like, sure.
don't stay up too late and i'm not allowed to tell the child that i'm the father. they can say that, but i'm not allowed. i'm like, i'm never talking to the kid. don't worry about it she says remember, you're not allowed to release or have sex for five days before each deposit three times. i'm like can i give you three? you know what i mean have you ever had someone ask to have sex with you, and had to say no, i'm trying to get someone else pregnant? that conversation does not go well and there are follow-up questions out the wazoo. it's not worth it. so i go three times to make the deposit. actually, anthony, our other friend we asked first changed his mind, and now he's going to be the father. and again i've never wanted kids in my life, but now this is
about pride, seth. now i'm furious. if they want to go and have a garbage baby [ laughter ] when they could be having my baby my sperm is just sitting in a bank frozen when it could be earning interest >> seth: i'm so sorry that they put you through this >> i know. >> seth: well, someone out there hopefully is going to get their hands on it one day. >> i'm going to have so many babies, seth i want a science baby. i don't want a sex baby. you have to love them and take them to college. a science baby i don't know the difference between that and teddy ruxpin. i don't have to love it if it's a science baby i want 23 and me to call and say what's going on over there >> seth: before you go you finished a show called "good talk." very exciting. it's going to be on comedy central?
>> yeah, comedy central, september, friday nights at 11:00. kind of like this, only i get to talk to my friends [ laughter ] >> seth: ha-ha >> i don't have to deal with any johnny off the street. it's my friends. we're talking about comedy it's a lot of fun. anthony jeselnick everybody. "fire in the maternity ward" is streaming now. thanks for being here. we'll be right back. show me the crown.
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that leave therea lasting impression. like the feeling of movement as a new journey begins, or the sight of soft fur, warmed by the morning sun. you might remember new flavours, or a view that defies all expectations. these are the memories that stay with you, long after the moments have passed. [ cheers and applause ♪ >> seth: my thanks to terry crews, anthony jeselnek, and the 8g band. thanks for watching. we'll see you tomorrow [ cheers and applause ♪