tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC July 24, 2019 11:34pm-12:35am PDT
>> what's that? >> everybody's talking about this. it's the $50 burger. it's the black label burger. black label. six months to create. the patty is a mixture of dry aged hangar steak, short rib and chuck. it comes with australian black truffle. >> that's what he was shaving? >> right there at the table for you. presentation. voila. >> i'd go for it. >> well, we could split it three ways. that would be about $15. >> $17 each. >> we get fries too, though. >> with a bun. >> i would eat a brioche bun. [ cheers and applause ♪ >> steve: from 30 rockefeller plaza here in new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." and now, here he is, jimmy fallon
[ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: hey, thank you very much have a seat. enjoy it thank you very much. hey, welcome enjoy yourselves welcome, welcome, welcome to "the tonight show", everybody. you're here. you made it. [ cheers and applause thank you very much for being here well, good news, you guys. today is national tequila day. woo. [ cheers and applause and after six hours of robert mueller testifying, i think we all deserve it. [ cheers ] dulce, por favor [ light laughter ] actually, i saw that a lot of bars in washington opened at 8:00 a.m. this morning for the mueller hearings if you did a shot any time mueller said "i can't answer that," you were blacked out by 10:00 a.m. [ laughter and applause "i'm getting redacted today, man. that's right it was a big event on capitol hill three months after he released his report, mueller went to congress to answer some tough questions about his investigation.
i don't want to say watching it was draining, but by the end every american looked like robert mueller [ laughter ] let's talk about the hearings, though they were pretty intense mueller was questioned by 60 lawmakers for six hours the only other time you get grilled like that is if you're single at your at your family reunion. [ light laughter ] family rerunion. family reunion [ light laughter ] you think that's funny, man? [ light laughter ] unbelievable unbelievable, you think that's funny. that's the first joke you laughed at all night, man. [ laughter ] family - family reunion >> tariq: reunion. [ mumbling ] [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: it's almost like i was playing my record backwards. [ mumbling ] family rerunion. family rerunion. famry rerunion [ imitating record scratch ] [ cheers ] no [ cheers and applause it's terrible. it's like sylvester stallone doing the monologue. [ stallone gibberish ]
[ laughter and applause t the f early. mueller said the reason that he couldn't charge trump with a a crime was because he can't indict a sitting president that's why for the last 12 hours, trump's been afraid to get up from the couch [ laughter and applause that's right mueller said that trump couldn't get indicted, because he's in office but the president is not out of the woods yet. listen to this >> could you charge the president with a crime after he left office? >> yes >> jimmy: hmm. [ audience oohs so trump could be charged after he's done being president. right now in russia, putin's looking at his phone like, "any second now hello, donald. yes, i can help. [ laughter ] a lot of people are focusing on all the things mueller didn't say. instead of talking, he just kept telling lawmarsri have to read the report. ng you here was so that we didn't come on, talk!
[ light laughter ] that's right mueller avoided a lot of questions. take a look at this. >> i'm not going to get into what we may or may not have included i'm not going to speculate that's beyond my purview that was outside our purview that's not in my purview >> jimmy: yeah he's like a magic eight ball except no matter how you shake him, he just says, "that's not in my purview. [ laughter ] a lot of people in the media are saying that mueller came across as old and slow on the bright side, he's now the favorite to win the democratic nomination for president. [ light laughter ] [ applause ] that's pretty good but i really can't blame mueller for having trouble keeping up listen to what happened when these first republican promised to talk slowly >> i'll talk slowly. i'm said that i ta i will talk slowly your report states that your investigative team included 19 lawyers and approximately 40 fbi agents and analysts and accountants. are those numbers accurate >> can you repeat that, please [ ughter ] >> is it also true that issues over 2,800 subpoenas, executed nearly 500 search warrants, obtained more than 230 orders for communication records and 50 pin registers me [ laughter ]
>> jimmy: oh, my goodness. that's like being interviewed by an auctioneer [ light laughter ] it's like, "we're going to start the bidding at 19 lawyers, 40 fbi agents" - [ mumbling ] "going once, going twice sold to the gentleman in the back!" [ light laughter ] if that guy did all the questioning, the hearing would have been over in six minutes. [ light laughter ] a lot of people laughed at this at one point, mueller had a little trouble with the president's name watch this >> did your investigation find that the russian government perceived it would benefit from one of the candidates winning? >> yes >> and which candidate would that be. >> well, it would be trimp - uh, trump. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: then trump was like, "see, it was trimp who obstructed [ laughter ] not trump, trimp lock him up. [ laughter ] lock up trimp. [ laughter today -- trimp-pince, 2020. >> steve: wow. [ laughter ] >> steve: pince. >> jimmy: after the testimony, both sides tried to declare victory. and trump sent out a tweet that said, "truth is a force of nature."
people were like, "wow, that's deep." and trump was like, "thanks, i got it from a fortune cookie." [ light laughter ] if you missed mueller's hearing, don't worry, in a few weeks william barr will give a a much shorter, inaccurate summary. um - you didn't like that joke? it's okay. [ laughter ] you don't have to like 'em all >> steve: come on, it's a good joke >> jimmy: you don't have to like all of them it's okay. >> steve: that's a good joke >> jimmy: but after all the hype and questioning, i don't think anybody's changed their mind about anything. democrats are still thinking about impeachment. republicans are still saying case closed. america hasn't been this divided since the trailer for the "cats" movie came out. [ light laughter ] one of the republicans laying into mueller the most today was mike johnson this is interesting, mi >> steve: excuse me, mr.fallon, what did you mean when you said america hasn't been this divided since the "cats" trailer? >> jimmy: i'm sorry, higgins, what >>ve hasn't been this divided since the 'cats' trailer came out. can you elaborate on that? >> jimmy: i'm sorry, which joke >> steve: i'm referring to cue card 12, joke 3-a. "'cats' trailer came out."
explain what you meant, please >> jimmy: what - no, i'm not going to explain the joke you can just - >> steve: refer to the earlier monologue. yeah i thought - we thought you'd say that. anyway next - >> jimmy: who is we? >> steve: next question. [ light laughter ] do you recall a joke, february 2013, where the punch line was, and i quote, "chicken chalupa? [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: chicken chalupa? i mean, maybe i -- >> steve: and what did you mean by that? >> jimmy: it was 2013, higgins i don't remember >> steve: what did you mean, mr. fallon?! chicken chalupa. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: that's out of my purview. >> steve: hey! [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause it's my time you shut your cute mouth [ laughter ] final question
june 18th, 2019. you said, and i quote, "without fox news, trump's only source of news is snapple caps. [ laughter ] what was that in reference to? >> jimmy: i never said that. >> steve: you didn't say that on june 18th >> jimmy: no, i never said that >> steve: oh, wait a second. [ chuckles ] that's on me, that was a a colbert joke [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you like that joke >> steve: yeah that's a funny joke. [ applause ] >> jimmy: that was a funny joke steve higgins, everyone. no more questions! no more -- finally, listen to this. a pair of nike shoes were just auctioned off for a record $430,000 can we see the shoes this is real [ light laughter ] one day the buyer will show his kids and say, "these are the reason you couldn't go to college. [ laughter and applause we have a great show [ cheers and applause i'm gonna tell you who's on the show tonight but first, give it up for the roots, right there, ladies and gentleman. [ cheers and applause ♪
♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: thank you very much. we have a great show tonight naomi watts is here! [ cheers and applause oh, we love naomi watts. mike birbiglia is here [ cheers and applause and we have great, great music one of my favorite bands midland is here tonight. >> steve: oh [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: we have -- be sure to tune in tomorrow night, we're announcing the winning book for this year's "tonight show" summer reads >> steve: ooh. >> jimmy: voting has ended >> steve: what >> jimmy: the polls are closed >> steve: close-ed >> jimmy: the polls are close-ed it was a close race. >> steve: a close-ed race or a a closed >> jimmy: it is now both a a close-ed race and a close race >> steve: oh, all right. >> jimmy: there can nl >> steve: one wh-inner >> jimmy: there only - there only can be wh-one wh-inner [ light laughter ] atorro
>> steve: th-une or tune >> jimmy: tune in tomorrow for -- to find out which book we'll be reading this simmer. [ laughter ] >> steve: are you okay are you tasting burnt almonds? >> jimmy: what's going on? [ light laughter ] >> steve: you all right? >> jimmy: i've been seeing a a speech coach >> steve: really >> jimmy: yeah >> steve: where at >> jimmy: over in the chelsea piers. [ light laughter ] >> steve: chelsea piers? >> jimmy: chelsea piers -- >> steve: a speech coach at chelsea -- >> jimmy: yeah, over - yeah, over by, you know, the golf - the driving range. >> steve: and how -- [ light laughter ] how do you actually -- how do they do the class i mean, what do you do there >> jimmy: well, once we get -- >> steve: throw softballs at you? and you hit 'em with a ball? >> jimmy: well, once we get there, we sit dewn in a -- >> steve: sit dewn, yeah >> jimmy: sit dewn in a churr. [ light laughter ] and we have a discussion [ light laughter ] >> steve: is your speech coach from sweden? [ laughter ] is this a swedish -- >> jimmy: ya, ya ya sure. ya >> steve: it's the swedish chef >> jimmy: that's correct he's a muppet. [ laughter ] these are the books, right
there. that's the books right there so you don't know which one's gonna win. but i think it's - it's going to be one of these two, i think >> steve: wait, you don't know >> jimmy: i do know. >> steve: oh [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: it's one of these two. it was very close. dude, we had, like, almost a a million votes. >> steve: wow. >> jimmy: it's the biggest -- yeah biggest by far than anything we did -- we only did this once. >> steve: well - [ laughter ] >> jimmy: but this is -- >> steve: bigger >> jimmy: by far - last time we did it, it was great. >> steve: and the time before that, which we didn't do, this was way better than that >> jimmy: yeah >> steve: last, the first -- >> jimmy: the two books -- the two books you're gonna chose -- >> steve: two years ago, it was zero votes >> jimmy: oh >> steve: oh, my gosh. >> jimmy: it's the timothee chalamet puppet [ light laughter ] [ french accent hello, you can choose from these two books. >> steve: it sounds like he went to your same speech coach [ light laughter ] [ french accent >> jimmy: "le chain" or "ask again, oui"? [ light laughter ] one of them will be crowned the winner tomorrow night on our show and then what we do is - >> steve: what do we do? >> jimmy: everyone -- i'll give you some time to purchase the book >> steve: right. >> jimmy: but i'll give you a week, right? >> steve: a week
>> jimmy: to do it and then i'll start reading it with you guys. and then we'll do, like, book club-y things >> steve: aww. >> jimmy: yeah glass of white wine, stuff like that [ light laughter ] >> steve: get smashed, read a book >> jimmy: yeah >> steve: show up and don't discuss the book >> jimmy: yeah no, i'm excited. so i think it's going to be one all these books are great. so i want you to tune in tomorrow because it might be one of these top three too. [ laughter ] >> steve: you're kind of blowing it now >> jimmy: kind of blew it already, right >> steve: you already said one of those is the weiner >> jimmy: weiner are you going to the same speech coach >> steve: yeah, i am [ light laughter ] [ swedish gibberish >> jimmy: yeah [ swedish gibberish that's my dude guys, like i said, today is national tequila day >> steve: oh [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: yeah and so - >> tariq: be careful there, jimmy. you don't want to say the "t" word three times >> jimmy: wait, what happens if i say tequila three times? >> tariq: ooh, that's two!sateq- >> tariq: that's three ♪ ♪
>> audience: tequila >> jimmy: so you're saying if i say tequila three times, everyone has to sing "tequila" >> tariq: those are the rules. >> jimmy: huh. >> tariq: pretty weird [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, it's weird rules. >> tariq: that is true [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: totally. hey, tariq >> tariq: what's up? >> jimmy: tequila. ♪ ♪ >> audience: tequila jimmy: yeah, love that. so is that - that rule just for national tequila day? >> tariq: nope it's the rule any time you say it three times >> jimmy: you mean, any time you say tequila three times? >> tariq: yep.at >> tariq: yeah, interesting rule [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: sure is. >> tariq: man -- [ chuckles ] crazy. >> jimmy: it really is crazy >> tariq: yeah, it kind of really is. [ light laughter ]
>> jimmy: for sure, for sure tequila! ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> all: tequila! [ cheers and applause >> all: tequila! [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: stick around ing) hey, who are you? oh, hey jeff, i'm a car thief... what?! i'm here to steal your car because, well, that's my job. what? what?? what?! (laughing) what?? what?! what?! [crash] what?! haha, it happens. and if you've got cut-rate car insurance, paying for this could feel like getting robbed twice. so get allstate...
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>> jimmy: you look great, pal. how has your summer been >> it's been pretty good, thank you, so far. >> jimmy: the kids are away at sleepaway camp >> that's right. yeah >> jimmy: is that the best thing or the worst thing >> well, it's both, actually >> jimmy: it's both. >> have your kids gone to camp yet? >> jimmy: no >> no, they're still little. >> jimmy: i don't know if i could do that. >> yeah, it's hard >> jimmy: it is, right >> they are having an absolute ball and i wake up every morning and look at these pictures of them having, you know, ice creams and, you know, races and fun things you know, it's just -- >> jimmy: you want to be with them, like, having fun with them, yeah >> yeah, i miss them, it's hard >> jimmy: yeah, at got huge amount because i'm doing press for this and i'm prepping for another movie. and i've just come off another show >> jimmy: yeah >> and it's been a bit of a sudden -- you know, everything at once >> jimmy: and it was -- happy belated birthday, by the way because i didn't believe this. i was reading up on you today. and it says you're 50 years old? that is -- it seems wrong. >> don't say that about a lady [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause
>> jimmy: it wasn't me, sorry, but -- >> yes, i did have a big birthday >> jimmy: that's insane to me. it doesn't seem right. >> thank you that's kind. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: here's you and -- here's you hanging out with nicole kidman and deb. >> oh, yeah. nicole, your friend. [ laughter ] yes. now you've got the - >> jimmy: we are friends, yeah, of course. [ laughter ] how is she how is she doing >> she's great >> jimmy: is she really? >> she is. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wow. >> i'll tell her you say hi. >> jimmy: thank you very much. i appreciate that. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what else did you do for your birthday? [ laughter ] mo nicole didn't make it to morocco. >> jimmy: wow. >> and -- yeah >> jimmy: like a small group of friends or - >> it actually ended up being a decent number. i didn't think anyone would come that far. and, you know, obviously, it's a lot to ask of people
and -- but aussies like to travel they love a trip >> jimmy: what are you doing in -- i mean, it's gorgeous in morocco. >> yeah, lots to do, ride camels and - >> jimmy: did you? >> yeah. >> jimmy: what's that like >> umm >> jimmy: is it just like a horse? [ laughter ] >> it's a bit harder to get on than a horse >> jimmy: yeah, and you travel ro >> the desert, yeah. the sand the desert >> jimmy: it's like the beach. sorry. where is morocco, yeah [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's pretty cool to do that. >> and, yeah eat delicious food, and you go shopping, buy rugs >> jimmy: can we talk abth [ cheers and applause are we not allowed to discuss anything >> no. >> jimmy: wow! oh, my gosh. you shut it down >> tequila, tequila, tequila ♪
♪ tequila >> jimmy: all right, that's the way to get out of it >> you guys are on it. >> jimmy: that's the way to get out of it. all right, so we won't talk before it. but i'm very excited about it, and congrats on that, you'll be great. [ cheers and applause >> thank you but wait, don't you get a shot of tequila when you say it like isn't that part of the game >> jimmy: yeah, we probably can do we can work that out >> yeah. >> jimmy: it's not that far away i'm never more than four feet away from a shot of tequila. [ light laughter ] we can get one, right? yeah, perfect. let's talk about -- you have two another projects i want to talk about one is the roger ailes show on showtime, the movie on showtime >> yeah, "the loudest voice. >> jimmy: "the loudest voice." dude, congratulations. that was -- you were amazing >> thank you, thank you. >> jimmy: what was that like to play gretchen? >> oh,ex she endured so much. and managed to handle it with grace and dignity and despite losing her job, which obviously she didn't want to do.
she just fought that battle and did it by herself. it was wildly impressive, and, you know, who doesn't want to play that kind of character, you know >> jimmy: did you get to meet her? >> i got to meet her on the red carpet of the premiere just a few weeks ago. and it was overwhelming. i mean, imagine having your story told finally, and seeing people there and - >> jimmy: and russell crowe does a great job >> russell is extraordinary. >> jimmy: he's fantastic >> and he's such an incredible actor and -->>es yeah >> jimmy: he's a funny guy >> we go back. couchyo >> yeah, yeah. before he was -- yeah, able to pay for a hotel, i suppose he called up and said, you know, "how do you feel, can i stay for a few nights? when he was auditioning for things >> jimmy: how was he as a house guest? >> russell's great [ laughter ] he only shows up with lots of nice bottles of wine
>> jimmy: hey, that's awesome. that's a good guy. [ applause ] i want russell to hang out with me your invited any day, russell. let's talk about now your new movie "luce. l-u-c-e. >> yes yes. >> jimmy: luce we had octavia spencer on the show last night. and she's -- >> beautiful octavia such an incredible woman >> jimmy: but she was saying that she took this role because it made her feel uncomfortable> sentiment. >> jimmy: really >> yeah. it ass and some that are kind of new and en but it asks the audience to participate on a very active level. and yeah, you have -- nothing's tied up, nothing's answered for you, in a really absolute way. it kind of just starts the conversation, and -- >> jimmy: yeah, it's tricky. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you do a great job >> i want to show a clip from "luce," let's take a look >> i think there has to be some kind of limit. >> a limit to what
tell me? to how much i love him to how hard i've worked, to ensure he had a chance at life, at success no, pete, i disagree there is no limit to that, and some random accident at school - >> listen to me.>> se random act school is not going to change that so just tell me whose side you're on. [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: naomi watts, everyone "luce" opens on friday august 2nd >> oh. >> jimmy: happy national tequila day. >> yeah. >> jimmy: cheers this is a real -- go for it, buddy. happy national tequila day cheers >> cheers, everyone. ♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: naomi's going to play "the whisper challenge" with us, stick around come on back
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♪ [ cheers andpp >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. we're hanging out with naomi watts right here [ cheers and applause her movie, "luce," is in theaters on august 2nd naomi and i are about to play "the whisper challenge." [ cheers and applause >> "whisper challenge. >> jimmy: now, here's how the game works one person puts on these headphones with loud music playing. you can play this game at home then the other person picks up a card, reads the random phrase on that card and the person wearing headphones has to try guess what they just said. okay naomi, you can put the headphones on first. >> oh, okay. so you're first. >> jimmy: yeah yeah and i will then read you my phrase i'm going to start the loud music. ready?
can you hear -- can you hear me [ light laughter ] can you hear me? ready? walkie-talkie. >> walking turkey. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: walkie-talkie. >> walking doggie. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's close walkie-talkie. >> walking dolly [ laughter ] it's definitely walking? no >> jimmy: walkie ie-ie. walkie walkie-talkie. [ light laughter ] walkie-talkie. >> rocking dolly [ laughter ] >> jimmy: walkie-talk -- walkie-talkie. >> slower, please. >> jimmy: got you. [ laughter ] don't yell at me >> okay. oh, am i yelling [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yes. walkie >> walking [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: walkie >> walkie. walkie
[ cheers ] >> jimmy: talkie >> doggy >> jimmy: talkie [ laughter ] >> doggy >> jimmy: talkie >> dorky [ laughter ] no, i'm bad. i'm bad. >> jimmy: i am dorky >> i failed. >> jimmy: walkie-talkie. >> oh, god >> jimmy: very close come on. [ foghorn >> that's -- >> jimmy: that was good. you did great. [ chrs >> jimmy: oh, wow. >> that was not good [ laughter ] oh, my okay um -- okay tuna noodle casserole. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: chiwetel ejiofor [ laughter ] >> tuna. >> jimmy: do nice. >> tuna. tuna noodle >> jimmy: doughnuts. [ laughter ] >> tuna noodle >> jimmy: doughnuts. >> no. >> jimmy: no >> tuna noodle tuna >> jimmy: you hear julie [ laughter ] >> tuna noodle >> jimmy: do you like to do it
[ laughter ] >> tuna. >> jimmy: do you like -- >> tuna. >> jimmy: drive. >> no. [ laughter ] he's yelling, isn't he tuna tuna >> jimmy: doola. doola? what is doola? >> no, not doola >> tuna. t-t-tuna >> jimmy: tunata [ laughter ] >> noodle. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: don't do that to me. all right. all right. stop, all right. what was it? >> we're terrible. >> jimmy: what was it? >> i mean, it's a horrible one >> jimmy: let me see what it was. tuna noodle casserole? >> yeah. [ foghorn i don't -- >> jimmy: that's impossible. >> even know what that is. >> jimmy: all right, yeah. >> it sounds awful >> jimmy: yeah, oh, gosh all right, here we go. gosh, sorry about that >> okay. sorry, i was a bad teammate. >> jimmy: oh, i just took the other one. >> okay, ready >> jimmy: look, i had both of them all right, this will be the last -- this will be the last round. i'll pick this one [ light laughter ] hakuna matata.
[ laughter ] >> hungry potato [ laughter ] >> jimmy: hakuna matata. >> patata. [ laughter ] hungry patata. [ laughter ] hangry hangry >> jmy hangry hakuna >> are you >> jimmy: hakuna >> are you >> jimmy: ha -- ha - >> ha. ha-ha. >> jimmy: ha -- ha -- haku - haku - >> you [ light laughter ] >> together: ha. >> jimmy: haku - >> haku -- >> haku -- haku - >> jimmy: hakuna >> haku -- >> jimmy: hakuna >> haiku [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no >> no? >> jimmy: hakuna >> no. hakuna >> jimmy: yes. >> matatta >> jimmy: yes! ♪ [ cheers and applause [ laughter ] fantastic. come on, buddy, that was it.
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♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: our next guest is a very funny comedian. his one man show, "the new one," got rave reviews on broadway. and this fall, he's taking the show on the road for the broadway tour of "the new one. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome mike birbiglia >> jimmy: welcome back >> oh, my goodness thanks so much >> jimmy: welcome back, mike birbiglia >> thanks, man this is all right. here we go >> jimmy: congrats here, your one man show, "the new one," had a great run on broadway, my friend and now you're taking this all over the country >> well, yeah. well, you know how show business works, jiimy. is if you have a show off broadway, and it goes well, maybe it moves to broadway and then if it goes well, you go to charlotte. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: absolutely that's your first stop >> right, isn't that - >> jimmy: you keep your head down and keep working hard
>> if you stay -- if you stay focused -- [ laughter ] you end up in charlotte, and i think i might just retire there. >> jimmy: yeah [ laughter ] i might get a farm and sort of quit, and who knows? >> jimmy: you're starting in d.c. as your first >> d.c. is - >> jimmy: which is where you got started. >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's where you got started in your comedy career. >> i did i was, like, a door person at the washington, d.c. improv. >> jimmy: wow. >> and i went to georgetown. >> jimmy: did they let you go on stage >> well, you know, yeah, eventually i was, you know what, i was at georgetown, and now -- well, you know, like, there's a lot of comedians who have since come from georgetown john mulaney nick kroll jacqueline novak who has an off boradway show that's wonderful right now. but at the time, i didn't know anyone who was a comedian, and i went to the alumni house when i was in college and i wrote into the computer database, "standup comedian. and there was one result and it was jim gaffigan. >> jimmy: really >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: is he? i didn't know he was from there. >> yeah, he went to georgetown and so i just called him on his land line. [ laughter ] do you remember these land lines from the 1990s
>> jimmy: yes, of course >> they had the -- >> jimmy: so his phone number's there? >> yeah. so his phone number's there, and i call -- you remember long distance [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yes, of course >> remember long distance phone calls? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: absolutely >> so i call long distance, and he's like, "hello. [ light laughter ] and i'm like, "hey this is mike brigbiglia. i'm a college student. my voice hadn't changed. >> jimmy: oh, okay [ laughter ] he's got a very high voice >> i was 20 years old. >> jimmy: okay, yeah, yeah >> and he goes -- he goes, "well, if you're ever in --" i was like, "i want to be a comedian." he's like, "if you're ever in new york, like, you know, we can get lunch or something." and i go, "i'm coming next week." [ laughter ] i had no plans to come next week >> jimmy: no >> so i made -- i just invented a trip, i took a bus to new york city. >> jimmy: to meet jim gaffigan [ laughter ] no, i love this story. >> someone audibly -- someone audibly just goes, "wow! [ laughter ] i know, it was really delusional i'm convinced. we've talked about this, "sleepwalk with me," my movie's a bit about this i think to be a comedian you have to be delusional. you have to convince yourself it's going well, when it's not
going wellhter otherwise you wouldn't get on stage again. and so -- even calling jim gaffigan was, like, a crazy thing to do. but i went to new york, we met at patsy's pizzeria on the upper westside where we were meeting at 1:00. he didn't show up. [ laughter ] and it was 2:00, he didn't show up and it was 3:00 and i was like, "i got nowhere to go." [ laughter ] like, i literally came here for this and then he shows up and he goes, "you're still here?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wow. >> i go, yeah, i got nowhere to be and he gave me advice that ended up being the best advice i've ever heard given to a a comedian he said -- he said, "don't move to new york until you're good. and i -- i didn't follow that advice [ laughter ] i just moved to new york and i was terrible >> jimmy: wow. >> but i give that advice to other people >> jimmy: yeah >> so that they also won't take it [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's crazy, yeah that's a cool story about gaffigan >> isn't that funny? >> jimmy: i did not know that. >> yeah. i should have run that by him
first. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he'll be fine. >> he's going to watch this tonight, he'll be like, "what? i don't rememebr that. i don't think that happened. >> jimmy: how would you describe the show for everyone >> oh, this show >> jimmy: yeah >> this show is "the new one." it's a solo show about how - all the reasons why no one should have a child. that's the first half of the show [ light laughter ] and the second half of the show is about how i had a child and [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> and you agree with that, of course, right? >> jimmy: no - >> no, i'm sure you agree. we've spoken off air about this >> jimmy: that's not true. we haven't spoken off-air. >> no, you've spoken at length about this off-air. no, you've told me extensive stories. >> jimmy: i have a kid never in my life >> about how it's a huge mistake to have a child. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i would never do that >> and you never would wish it upon anybody >> jimmy: that's not true at all. >> and you wish you'd never had children >> jimmy: -- talking backstage at all >> we've spoke about this at length >> jimmy: and you know that. tequila, tequila, tequila. [ cheers and applause ♪
♪ tequila >> that was insane and -- >> jimmy: yeah, sorry. >> oh, my god. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: do you drink i don't even know -- >> i'll drink. i will i will drink when pressured on television, in the moment. >> jimmy: you can say "no. >> yes, jimmy, i do drink. >> jimmy: happy national tequila day. cheers >> how do you do this? do you go like this? >> yeah, you take it out that lime shouldn't be in there, sorry [ laughter ] >> all right, and then what? then what? >> jimmy: then cheers. >> okay. >> jimmy: you make a wish. >> okay. >> jimmy: and then you interlock arms [ laughter ] and then you say -- and then you say, "i wuv you. >> i wuv you [ laughter ] ♪ [ cheers and applause i've never had a tequila shot before >> jimmy: is that right? >> yeah, i don't think i have. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i'm so sorry >> no, i had one once. i had one once one time i was - [ laughter ] one time i was -- i was -- i did new year's eve in early
2000s. i was opening new year's eve in philadelphia at the todber >> jimmy: wow. >> and lewis black it was the first -- right, yeah >> jimmy: wow. >> massive lineup. >> jimmy: it's great >> and i went out with dave attell afterwards and he -- and he forced me to drink much more than i think my body thinks i should be drinking. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: really, yeah, you went for it. >> and now, yeah, and that's when i had that tequila. >> jimmy: oh, well, then i -- hopefully i didn't start something. >> woo >> jimmy: wow, all right - >> that was really something that's going to kick start my night. [ laughter ] here we go >> jimmy: oh, here he goes [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ tequila no, no, no all right. >> wow here we go the tour starts now! >> jimmy: no we want to talk about -- no. >> we're going to d.c. [ cheers and applause and saint paul >> jimmy: yes. >> and charlotte ahh! [ laughter ]
[ cheers and applause >> jimmy: howard dean. >> that's my howard dean howard dean impression >> jimmy: that's your howard dean, yeah, yeah, yeah. we love you, i just want to quickly tell you - >> yeah. >> jimmy: congratulations on winning the drama desk award >> well, thanks. >> jimmy: an outer critics circle award for this for outstanding solo performance. you are a true one of a kind >> that is so nice of you. >> jimmy: we love you, and you -- you know who you are. you're my best friend. [ laughter and applause >> you're my best friend you're my best friend. i'll dm you later. >> jimmy: you're my best friend [ laughter ] what do you think of that? what do you think of that? >> what? >> jimmy: what do you think of that you're my best friend. [ laughter ] >> i just want to take a nap [ laughter ] do you mind if i take a nap. >> jimmy: you're my best friend in the world >> i just want to take a nap for, like, five minutes. [ laughter ] can i just do a five minute nap? >> jimmy: --my best friend in the whole world. >> i just want to do a five minute nap on the rug. [ laughter ] and then we'll go home - >> jimmy: tequila, tequila, tequila! ♪ mike birbiglia
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♪ got debutante mamas from the pta ♪ ♪ got bachelorettes dressed up in whit and little black ♪ ♪ dress divorcees long live the blue they're keeping me ♪ ♪ in business if some want to danc some want to party ♪ ♪ whatever they nee they call me mr lonely mr good-time ♪ ♪ mr. one you're gonna want on a saturday nigh when you're lonely ♪ ♪ lying in the dark i'm the number tha you know by broken heart ♪ ♪ no i ain't mr right i'm mr right now the one all the ♪ ♪ girls are talking about the one and only mr lonely ♪ ♪ ♪ yeah some are i from outta tow just looking ♪ ♪ for some fu
for a couple of dollars or more ♪ ♪ yeah i can be that on long live the blue i'm backed up to november ♪ ♪ you can find me in a book or on a bathroom wal when they all want ♪ ♪ a rendevouz they call mr lonel mr good time ♪ ♪ mr one you're gonna wan on a saturday nigh when you're lonely ♪ ♪ lying in the dark i'm the number tha you know by broken heart ♪ ♪ no i ain't mr right i'm mr right now the one all the ♪ ♪ girls are talking about the one and only mr lonely ♪ >> oh, play this guitar. come on. ♪ [ cheers ] ♪ ♪ if you got a girl you better treat her right you best ♪ ♪ never tell a li
you better never start a fight ♪ ♪ when sh hangs up on yo guess who's on ♪ ♪ the other lin never hard to find mr lonely ♪ ♪ mr good-tim mr one'r on a saturday night ♪ ♪ when you're lonel lying in the dar i'm the number that ♪ ♪ you know by broken hear no i ain't mr righ i'm mr right now ♪ ♪ the one all the girls are talking abou the one and only ♪ ♪ mr lonely the one and only mr lonely ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: oh, come on. [ cheers and applause that's exactly right a standing ovation right there oh, i'm blessed. oh, midland. "let it roll" is out august 23rd. [ cheers and applause my thanks to naomi watts, mike birbiglia midland once again [ cheers and applause come on. that is how you do it.
that is how you do it right there. give it up for the roots right there, ladies and gentlemen, from philadelphia. thank you wa applaus bye-bye, everybody [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers. tonight -- billy eichner, star of "orange is the new black" actress danielle brooks music from hobo johnson, featuring the 8g band with fred armisen ♪ [ cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> seth: good evening. i'm seth meyers. this is "late night.