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tv   The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon  NBC  September 19, 2019 11:34pm-12:37am PDT

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now at the center. it represents his concern about the impact of human activity on mother nature. it's a perfect for the home of the san jose sharks. >> it will be at the shark tank. got it. >> remind me of a hershey kiss. >> it does. see the interpretation. >> that's what art is meant to be. >> we made it it friday. 94 saturday 90 sunday. fall arrives. the heat comes back. >> thanks for joining us on this thursday night. enjoy your friday. [ cheers and applause ♪ >> steve: from 30 rockefeller plaza here in new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." and now, here he is, jimmy fallon
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[ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: oh, my goodness. thanks so much thank you. please, please, have a seat. [ cheers and applause i love you i love you i appreciate it. thank you very much. sit down, relax. welcome to "the tonight show", everybody. you're here and you made it. i'm happy. [ cheers and applause you guys, my guest tonight is one of the all-time greats sylvester stallone is here [ cheers and applause backstage i asked him, "can i get you something to drink water, soda? he was like, "raw eggs." >> steve: really >> jimmy: yeah [ laughter ] sylvester stallone is here i knew he'd arrived in the billing when all 12 security guards downstairs were sprawled out on the floor unconscious [ laughter ] but it is great that he's here, 'cause i love having guests on the show that have the same workout routine as me.
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[ laughter ] stallone stars in the new movie "rambo: last blood." yeah and this is strange. he's also starring in the new "downton abbey" movie. isn't that wild? [ laughter ] that's right "rambo: last blood" and the new "downton abbey" movie are out the same night and if you plan on seeing both, who are you? [ laughter ] let's get to some news yesterday, president trump was in california visiting the border wall. construction workers said it was fun watching trump put on a hard hat over his hair hat [ laughter and applause [ cheers and applause trump was there examining the wall and he said that it was virtually impenetrable [ light laughter ] yep, virtually impenetrable or as it's also known penetrable. [ laughter ] "the bridge is virtually safe. [ light laughter ] you can walk across, it is kind of safe. actually one of the workers asked trump to sign the wall take a look at this. >> there's a tradition here on the border that anyone who works on the wall, signs the
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wall for us. >> sign it >> would you do that for us today? >> i'll sign it. let's go >> jimmy: and right where trump signed it has become a tourist attraction yeah people from mexico take a selfie in front of it before crossing the border. [ laughter and applause >> steve: keep on truckin' >> jimmy: could we see what trump wrote on the - for a good time call mike. >> steve: what >> jimmy: oh that's not -- come on. that's not -- that's not - >> steve: come on. that's rude. >> jimmy: that's not cool. >> steve: that's not cool at all. >> jimmy: then trump talked about how the border wall will stop people from entering the country. listen to this >> plus, it's designed to absorb heat, so it is extremely hot. the wall is -- you won't be able to touch it you can -- you can fry an egg on that wall [ laughter ] [cheering and applause]. >> jimmy: "and that -- and that is why i'm excited to announce the world's first border wall/omelet station.
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[ laughter and applause the wall -- the wall is so hot you can't touch it unless you are signing it with a sharpie apparently [ laughter ] while showing off the wall, trump asked the border agent to talk about the technology they're using to stop people from crossing the border, but it didn't go as planned. take a look at this. >> one thing we haven't mentioned is technology. they're wired so that we will know if somebody's trying to break through. and you may want to discuss that a little bit, general >> sir, there could be some merit in not discussing that [ laughter ] >> okay. i like that. [ laughter and applause >> jimmy: "i know that i was just testing to see if you knew that. of course i knew that. duh. [ laughter ] meanwhile back in washington, trump is in the middle of a new scandal. a whistleblower has accused him of making a dangerous promise to a foreign leader. now as of today, we don't know who that leader is it could be any foreign leader [ laughter ] we can't jump to any conclusions. we're just going to have to wait and see [ laughter and applause
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that's right trump is being accused of making secret promises to an unidentified foreign leader. it's been a rough week for trump. first, he wasn't named the next bachelor and now this. >> steve: aw [ laughter ] >> jimmy: the first lady is busy too today, melania attended the ribbon cutting ceremony for the reopening of the washington monument, but she had a bit of trouble with the scissors. take a look. [ cheers ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah turns out she accidentally grabbed eric and don jr.'s safety scissors. >> steve: oh [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's what had at the time some tech news amazon just announced that you can now donate to 2020 candidates through alexa. but if you say, "alexa, donate to bill de blasio, you hear -- >> flush your money down the toilet [ laughter and applause >> jimmy: this isn't good. a new report found that jetblue and spirit airlines serve the dirtiest water on board. [ audience reacts jetblue was appalled while spirit was like, "we got mentioned in the same sentence as jetblue?" [ laughter ]
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people on jetblue knew something was wrong when a a passenger said, "i ordered water, not coffee. and the flight attendant was like, "that is water." [ laughter and applause guys, we have a good show tonight. give it up for the roots right there. ♪ [ cheers and applause ♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: we have a fun show tonight. sylvester stallone is here [ cheers and applause >> steve: oh >> jimmy: rambo! >> steve: come on. >> jimmy: cedric the entertainer is here [ cheers and applause >> steve: oh >> jimmy: and we have great stand-up comedy from mark normand, everybody. >> steve: oh [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: guys, you know what i love i love bumping into people and seeing an old friend it actually just happened to me when i was out having lunch. check this out ♪
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>> jimmy: oh, i'm sorry. i didn't order that. >> courtesy of the gentleman at the bar. [ cheers and applause ♪ [ light laughter ] [ whispering ] [ laughter ] ♪ courtesy of the gentleman at the table. ♪ [ light laughter ] ♪ [ light laughter ] a scorpion bowl with a steak, medium rare, courtesy of the gentleman at the bar [ light laughter ] ♪ [ laughter ] seafood tower, courtesy of the gentleman at the table ♪
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[ applause ] ♪ a pyramid of ferrero rocher, courtesy of the gentleman at the bar. [ laughter and applause ♪ edible arrangement [ laughter and applause pancakes 30 hot dogs. [ laughter ] old coconut with mini hammer [ laughter ] a bucket of tater tots ♪ hardy sub. red m&m. astronaut ice cream. calcium chews. toothpaste with orange juice cheese hibachi shrimp three-tiered wedding cake. ♪ i'm sorry, sir the kitchen is completely out of food. >> well, i guess it's the check then [ clink [ laughter ] ♪ >> courtesy of the gentleman at the window ♪
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[ cheers and applause >> jimmy: come on! >> steve: come on! >> jimmy: come on! >> steve: give it up >> jimmy: who is better than that dude? >> steve: come on. >> jimmy: who is better than that dude? my thanks to brad pitt [ cheers and applause "ad astra," his new movie opens nationwide tomorrow. he is getting good oscar buzz for that one as well i love brad. today is my birthday, you guys so - [ cheers and applause ♪ 45 45 today >> steve: 45 >> jimmy: i had a great day. i was thinking yesterday, i was on -- leaving work and i went online and i said, "hey, if anyone wants to get me anything, here is what i really would like. i would like for you to post a a photo of you smiling or a video or a picture of you making someone else smile and #smile." and just put it on there that would really make me happy, just because that's my whole -- that's my whole gig. i just want to see people smile. that's all i care about. and everyone could do it, and -- [ cheers and applause
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it is free >> steve: free >> jimmy: you control it i mean, you can -- you know, even if you are having a great day, you can smile if you are having a bad day, you can just -- just do it >> steve: yeah >> jimmy: you can do it. it is up to you. you control it anyways, so many people did it, it was trending on twitter >> steve: aw [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: so it just really made my day. >> steve: happy birthday >> jimmy: it was a great, special birthday thank you to anyone who did that it really made me so happy today. so today has been a great day. so thank you very much stick around we will be right back with "thank you notes," everybody [ cheers and applause ♪ my insurance rates are probably gonna double.
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the juul record. they took $12.8 billion from big tobacco. juul marketed mango, mint, and menthol
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flavors, addicting kids to nicotine. five million kids now using e-cigarettes. the fda said juul ignored the law with misleading health claims. now juul is pushing prop c, to overturn san francisco's e-cigarette protections. say no to juul, no to big tobacco, no to prop c. ♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. it is the -- it's the end of the week and that's usually when i catch up on some personal stuff you know, i check any inbox, i return some e-mails. and, of course, i send out my thank you notes. i was running a bit behind today, so i thought if you guys wouldn't mind, i'd just like to write out my weekly thank you notes right now. is that okay [ cheers and applause thursday >> steve: thursday >> jimmy: thursday is when i write out my thank you notes >> steve: yeah, thursday is thank you note day >> jimmy: yes. that's correct, it is. yeah >> steve: yeah >> jimmy: james, can i get some
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thank you note writing music, please ♪ always in a good mood. >> steve: wow. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he's always in a good mood >> steve: it is like he's wishing you happy birthday with his eyes [ laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, "ad astra", for looking like a a great sci-fi movie, but sounding like a new 24-hour allergy medication [ laughter and applause >> steve: ask your doctor about "ad astra. >> jimmy: may cause sneezing [ light laughter ] ♪ thank you, sean spicer's debut on "dancing with the stars" -- >> steve: oh [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: for looking like a a highlighter going through a mid-life crisis. [ laughter and applause >> steve: how about neon green >> jimmy: what is going on >> steve: god. oh, my god [ laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, bernie sanders, saying he'll release his medical records. or, as bernie put it, "and you thought the mueller report was long i've been alive since 1863!" [ applause ] [ laughter ] ♪
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>> jimmy: thank you, people who say "autumn" instead of "fall," for being the same people who won't stop talking about traveling abroad in bar-the-lona [ laughter and applause come on. >> steve: come on. >> jimmy: barcelona. "oh, we had such a great time in bar-the-lona. [ laughter ] ♪ thank you, 25th anniversary of the tv show "friends" -- [cheering and applause]. or the 26th if you're counting that year that we were on a break! [ cheers and applause >> steve: nice call back >> jimmy: thank you. [ laughter ] ♪ thank you, people singing the national anthem at sporting events, for answering the question, "what would it sound like to hear 30,000 people mumble the word 'rampart'" [ laughter ] [ mumbling ] what's a - what's a rampart what's a rampart >> steve: rampart -- >> jimmy: do you know what a a rampart is
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>> stve: it's like a ramp that leads up to a battle ground. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, that is not true >> steve: what is it >> jimmy: i do know what it is no, it's for real. >> steve: is it part of a ramp a ramp part? >> jimmy: no [ light laughter ] rampart, one word. "o'er the ramparts we watched. >> steve: right. yeah, sure >> jimmy: it's a protective wall around a fort >> steve: yes, it is usually at a raked angle. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's true, but i mean - [ laughter ] it changed - >> steve: to deflect canon shells >> jimmy: yes, that's correct, but it - >> steve: you want to angle the wall to save - >> jimmy: yes. so are you saying it is a ramp >> steve: a ramp - a part of a ramp [ laughter ] i thought it was rampart first blood. [ laughter ] is that not it >> jimmy: no that's just -- no, "rambo: last blood." >> steve: i just lost 10 grand [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you got to start - >> steve: to james >> jimmy: you got to stop gambling >> steve: bet james 10 grand >> jimmy: you bet james $10,000? >> steve: yeah i feel like a fool [ laughter and applause ♪ >> jimmy: thank you,
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president trump, for holding a a rally in new mexico. or as you would first put it, "wait, there's a new mexico? [ laughter ] we have to build a wall now! [ applause ] we have to build - we have to build a rampart [ laughter ] we got to build a rampart. >> steve: a virtual rampart. >> jimmy: "that fries eggs." [ laughter ] >> steve: "it is a virtual wall." >> jimmy: "fries eggs and bacon. [ laughter ] [ sizzling ] very loud wall [ laughter ] a sizzling wall. [ laughter ] ♪ thank you, motion activated bathroom lights that randomly turn off, for making me feel like i'm landing a 747 with my pants around my ankles [ laughter and applause come on, turn it back on >> steve: come on. you have to stand. ♪ >> jimmy: what was that? [ laughter ] ♪ thank you, restaurant check that show suggested tip amounts, for basically being a a multiple choice question that asks, "how cheap are you?"
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[ laughter ] thank you very much. those are my thank you notes we will be right back with sylvester stallone [ cheers and applause ♪ i knew my son could be at risk of certain cancers later in life. from an infection, human papillomavirus i knew widespread hpv is and while hpv clears for most, that might not be the case for him. i knew his risk increases as he gets older. i knew a vaccine could help protect him at age 11 or 12, before he could be exposed. i knew so i talked to my child's doctor. now that you know that hpv can lead to certain cancers, don't wait. talk to your child's doctor today.
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♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: our first guest is a a three-time oscar-nominee starring in the new film "rambo: last blood", which hits theaters tomorrow. please welcome the one, the only sylvester stallone. [ cheers and applause ♪
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>> jmy: weome back >> how are you thank you. >> jimmy: thank you. they love you. they love you. come on. [ cheers and applause ♪ >> wow >> jimmy: oh, my goodness. they love you. we love you. welcome back >> oh. >> jimmy: you are a movie star, buddy. come on. we gotta go crazy to see you come on. thank you so much for coming back [ light laughter ] >> if you say so [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i want to talk about "rambo." but before we get into that, i want to talk about one of your other iconic characters, which is "rocky. >> mm-hmm. >> jimmy: one of my -- [cheering and applause]. will there be another "rocky"? >> i have an idea, you know. but, certainly i'm not boxing, unless i'm fighting arthritis or someone like that [ laughter ] come on, art come on, artie >> jimmy: art -- art thritis [ laughter ] >> r.t. ritis. no [ light laughter ] or boris cartoff >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, you get carted off >> yes, so i was thinking about it i have an idea but then again, you have to
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think about it, is the pleasure worth the pain in other words, it takes so long to develop those films. it takes six months at just working on the choreography. if you really want to tell the story, because you are telling two movies at the same time. >> jimmy: uh-huh >> if you're doing a drama then you are doing a physical one with no words, but you have to tell a story in the fight too. so, it's a very elaborate setup and you go, uhh -- >> jimmy: but there's such a a big audience for it. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i mean, still to this day. >> which is kind of remarkable to tell you the truth. especially when you see young children going, "i want to thank you. i want to, like, be a boxer. i said, "no, i'm not a boxer no, no." [ laughter ] "do not do that. >> jimmy: i'm an actor >> i can yell cut. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah as right as they get this close. yeah, exactly, yeah. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: but you posted something on your instagram that i thought was really cute it was a little kid watching one of the "rockys." >> okay. >> jimmy: oh, well, let's take a look at this what you posted. >> oh. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: come on. that kid is cute
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[ cheers and applause i mean it is the greatest. >> you know what you know what it really reminded me, because that child and "rocky" both had a load in his pants when they were training [ laughter ] >> jimmy: let's not do that. yeah he's got to change his diaper, ye >> yo,t makeyou want to fight. >> jimmy: uh, but that - see i think the bummer about you being in these movies, is that you don't get to see the movie that we all saw. 'cause, do you ever see a movie that inspirational and that motivational i loved these movies so much >> that's -- yes, thank you. >> jimmy: but you're in them so you don't get to appreciate -- >> no, 'cause you sit there. it is like everyone else, you know, you're very critical of yourself so, it's very hard to sit back and just enjoy it. you're going -- ugh. >> jimmy: you're cringing. you're going, oh, yeah that -- >> well, you know, it's the same thing we all do >> jimmy: yeah well, not me [ laughter ] >> everyone but you. >> jimmy: everything i do is perfect. yeah but i mean, i just remember watching - i mean, i have seen every "rocky." but i remember after "rocky iii", i was walking around -
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i had -- i didn't have a log, but i had a wiffle ball bat. [ laughter ] i had a wiffle ball bat and i going around my back yard doing, exercising trying to be you. >> well, i picked it up from rocky marciano and, thanks to that particular move - >> jimmy: yeah, that was - >> knee's gone >> jimmy: is that right? >> oh, god, man. it looks good on film, but no. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: just fantasy >> it really is, yeah. leave it alone >> jimmy: oh, i just saw in this article about, henry winkler was talking. he said that - >> yeah. >> jimmy: did you hear about this he said, the role of fonzie he based off of you >> no. >> jimmy: is that? [ laughter and applause just, wow. >> no. [ cheers and applause i mean, no, no it was actually, henry and i did a film called "lords of flatbush." [ cheers ] >> jimmy: absolutely, yeah >> and he's playing, like, the intellectual the smart guy. >> jimmy: yeah >> and i was playing the primordial ooze guy, like, the thug and we got along great >> jimmy: yeah >> so, i was telling him about i'm writing "poe." he goes, "you, writing poe?" you know [ laughter ]
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he goes -- like, he went to yale, and i went to the yale lot company. [ laughter ] you know, it's a different thing. a whole other thing. >> jimmy: you went to ya-le. yeah >> that's what it felt like. [ laughter ] and when he came out to california, i guess he took some of the mannerisms which, please, i'm very flattered, but it really worked for him. but, he is so nice to even bring that up. >> jimmy: yeah, do you - >> you know what, we're kind of shy. it is the weirdest thing actors don't hang out. they'll do a film. everyone goes, "oh, god, we're gonna be the best of friends i'm going to name my children after you. [ laughter ] "we're going to buy a house. we're going to vacation. done >> jimmy: done you never see them ever again. yeah [ light laughter ] you're lucky to get, like, a on instagram. >> do you find it that way with comedians? >> jimmy: yeah, yeah i mean, there's so many fun people up from "saturday night live." i wish you hung out with all of them, but you end up having lives. >> i know. >> jimmy: and you go -- yeah but i mean, i remember, like be 3:00 am in the morning, or sleeping over with, you know, will ferrell and everybody i'm like, we're like camped together >> mm-hmm. >> jimmy: and just leave and go, yeah but it's great to run into people >> yeah, it is
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>> jimmy: it is fun. like, dolph lundgren >> mm-hmm. >> jimmy: who, i know, is your arch nemesis in a -- but you actually are maybe doing a tv series or something >> yeah, yeah, yeah. it looks, like, there's an idea we came up with called, "the international." and it deals with the u.n. but a different kind of u.n. it's, like, a little hard core there's a lot of action in it, but also really feeds into who dolph is because he is international and he's incredibly intelligent. so, he's gonna bring a a different spin to the whole thing. >> jimmy: you didn't like him at first, right? when you - >> i hated him [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you just didn't like his vibe or what >> okay, let me see if i can relate to you. i wanted to -- in "rocky iv" i really wanted a big, horrible, vicious guy. i mean, like, a primitive. and i couldn't find him. i mean, i'm finding giant wrestlers, football players and that and then all of a sudden, like, the door is open, smoke comes in, there's light. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: a smoke machine. [ laughter ] >> there's this thing with, you know, with proceeding hairline, and the high, had shoulders this wide.
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like, everything is perfect. >> jimmy: yeah >> yeah, i mean, even his calves are coming through his clothing like, just, muscular and i'm going, the blue eyes are starring into my soul. he was like the real "terminator. and i go, "i hate this freaking guy. i hate him." [ laughter ] "he's just too good-looking. too perfect. and if i loath him, i'm sure the world will." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah >> just 'cause he was, like -- no, he's not really, but he looks liked something that is 1,000 years in the future. >> jimmy: he -- he does. he's a robot almost. >> yeah, it's, like, this is not a guy you see waiting on your table >> jimmy: no >> "yeah, you rang?" >> jimmy: yeah [ laughter ] yeah >> no. >> jimmy: and now you guys are doing something together maybe >> yeah, yeah, yeah. so, hopefully we're going to do that film together where maybe i'll direct it or i will produce it, and then we may do another "expendables. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. [cheering and applause]. >> jimmy: this is great. oh, i love it. perfect. let's talk about "rambo" because everyone - >> okay.
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>> jimmy: is buzzing about "rambo." this is "ramla bod." that, should i assume -- >> oh, yeah, this is when he's preparing. a lot of things have happened in his life recently, tragic and he's now preparing for, dare i say it, revenge [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah he's looking for revenge >> looking for a little payback here >> jimmy: what does "last blood" mean? does it mean it is the last one? >> yeah. well, i have two ways of saying it -- there's thinking about it it's like, "last blood," we killed so many people there's no more blood left in the world. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: in the whole world >> the whole world >> jimmy: yeah, exactly. >> we need more blood. i was going to call it "transfusion," but it was taken. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: "rambo: transfusion. what is the plot of this one >> the plot is he comes home after 11 years and he doesn't know who is in the house. he realizes his father has died, his mother has passed on and the house that was left to loyal employees and he now has a family he just integrates himself and he raises -- like, he's the godfather to this one child, now she's
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17 years-old >> jimmy: she's great, by the way. >> yeah, thank you and the one who plays the grandmother is an oscar-nominated actress. and he's just so terrified, like, a lot of fathers, they don't want their daughters, their assumed daughters, or even the ones that they're acting as their guardian to go into the real world. because he still has ptsd. he can only function on his ranch. >> jimmy: yeah >> soon as he goes outside the border, he goes, "i don't have control. and i know things are going to happen." well, she goes to see her father, who she hasn't seen. he just left and she's curious to ask him, "why did you desert me?" and rambo begs her not to go she changes her mind and goes. and that's when things happen. >> jimmy: yeah, that's not cool yeah, you don't mess with rambo. just don't go. don't go yeah >> don't >> jimmy: i wanna show a clip. here's sylvester stallone as rambo, preparing for his revenge in, "rambo: last blood." take a look at this.
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♪ ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: yeah [ cheers and applause that's what i'm talking about. sylvester stallone, everybody. [ cheers and applause "rambo: last blood," opens tomorrow we'll be right back with cedric the entertainer stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ (dramatic orchestra)
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♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: our next guest is a very talented man. he is one of the stars and executive producers of "the neighborhood", which returns for season two monday night at 8:00 p.m. on cbs. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome cedric the entertainer [ cheers and applause ♪ >> jimmy: oh, gosh >> that's nice, man. >> jimmy: oh, i love you, man. welcome back >> what's up, brother? >> jimmy: thank you so much for being here i want to talk about season two of "the neighborhood." >> yeah. >> jimmy: and actually i want to talk about your actual neighborhood where you're from
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in st. louis you have a street named after you. >> oh, that's awesome. [ cheers and applause yeah >> jimmy: cedric the entertainer way you have a street. >> got a way it is a whole thing, man you know, you know, to go back to the hometown and have your own street, brother. you know people just calling you like, "ced, i'm on your street." >> jimmy: yeah [ laughter ] >> i'm like, "yeah, okay, thanks." you know [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's it? >> yeah, it is not -- i can't do anything. >> jimmy: do you get phone calls if there's, like, problems if there's, like - >> of course that's what -- like, "ced, there's a pothole on your street, man. you need to take care of this. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, no, no >> no, no. >> jimmy: you can't do that. >> do something for the streets, bro >> jimmy: yeah what happens on that street? what - >> i got a lot of nice things on there, though you know, like people -- you know, it's the neighborhood. >> jimmy: yeah >> so then we have, like, interesting -- got the -- chinese restaurant, which is very st. louis. and then there's the jamaican embassy for no reason. [ laughter ] they just decided to open it which allowed for the weed
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place to be across the street. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wow, there's a lot happening on this street >> i got rules, though i mean, it's the main thing i tell people, don't steal nobody amazon packages on my street that's the big thing [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's the one thing it's the one rule. you can't do that. >> i'm not -- i don't want those calls. like, people be stealing people's amazon packages >> jimmy: yeah, no, no, no not on your street no >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: another big thing for you. you have a star on the hollywood walk of fame >> yeah. >> jimmy: that is a big deal [ cheers and applause >> yeah. that was - >> jimmy: that's unbelievable. >> i mean, that's cool, man, i mean, you know >> jimmy: that means you made it, dude >> it does i mean, somebody added some gum. somebody showed me a picture of, they had put, like, a old piece of gum on there. i literally called them and was like, "hey, get the gum off my name." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah yeah, and they were like, "well, if you fix your pothole first. >> oh. [ laughter ] that person. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah >> that neighbor >> jimmy: that same person yeah >> same neighbor yeah >> jimmy: that's pretty cool >> when i first moved to l.a., i lived a block over from the
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hollywood. so it was great to be able to, like - because i would walk up there to see the stars and then to come back years later and have my -- you know a star there, it was great i know you got one you know what it's like. i mean you got one, right? i'm sure [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: no, i actually don't have one [ laughter ] [ sad trombone ] >> oh, that's kimmel [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, it's jimmy kimmel >> i got my jimmys mixed up. >> jimmy: your jimmys messed up yeah, sorry about that yeah, no problem [ laughter ] >> but it -- >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. >> but i'm sorry -- but a street though. because you're, like, from up there. i know they named a street after you after all of this time, like, in your hometown like - [ laughter ] like - >> jimmy: no, no, they haven't no, no [ laughter ] [ sad trombone ] [ applause ] my hometown -- >> your hometown - >> jimmy: my hometown named the street jimmy kimmel way. [ laughter ] you know what, i did movie which i loved. i did the movie "taxi" with queen latifah. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i loved it i had so much fun doing this film it didn't really work, it didn't open. and i knew it wasn't going to work when this happened. i went to my hometown.
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when i came out, i said, you know what i'm going to do. i'm going to the movie theater that i grew up in. and i'm going to go in and thank the audience and pay for all of the tickets and buy all of their drinks and popcorn. and say, "without you, i wouldn't be who i am so i just want to thank you, my hometown." and so i went to the theater, it was now a tri-plex. they have three movies >> oh, wow >> jimmy: i went there and they weren't playing my movie [ laughter ] >> they were not playing your movie? >> jimmy: no [ sad trombone ] wow. [ laughter ] i go, "wow." how many kids from your hometown is in a -- starring in a movie and you're not going to play it? >> go up there talking, they're like, "down in front!" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah now, i -- yeah yeah, i don't get any -- no respect. but, you know, that's where -- that's what makes us comedians, right? >> you right, man. >> jimmy: you started as a -- didn't you work as an undercover security guard in sears? >> that's so funny it was true. and i don't even know how you could be an undercover security guard. but in sears, yeah, i wore regular clothes. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: like, what does that mean walk me through this what does it mean? >> so, i mean, you kind of wear regular sears clothes, so you mix in [ laughter ]
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>> jimmy: are you a mannequin? like, a moving - you stand there? [ laughter ] >> no, you - no, you just kind of walk around and look like you're shopping for stuff and you just keep your eye on people like, "hey." but a guy walked out with a lawnmower one time and i had no idea he was stealing it [ laughter ] >> jimmy: stole a lawnmower? >> it is such a bold move. could you imagine -- >> jimmy: no >> just, like, grabbing a lawnmower and just walking out? [ laughter ] i was like, "obviously that guy bought that lawnmower. there's no way." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, there's no way you wouldn't steal a lawnmower [ applause ] >> i went and got the door for him. "hey, here you go, buddy." >> jimmy: you open the door for him. >> "hey, hey, get out of here. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wow. >> can't be walking -- >> jimmy: wow, he took a a lawnmower. that's the way to do it. >> yeah, and so -- >> jimmy: because that's the thing. >> i got fired >> jimmy: yeah [ laughter ] how's the fam? how is everybody doing in the family >> it's good, man. >> jimmy: yeah >> my son is off to college, his first year >> jimmy: is that right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's the thing they grow up >> went to arizona so, you know [ cheers ] arizona? >> jimmy: arizona is beautiful >> he's off to party in
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college. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that really is yeah, oh, that's a beautiful place. a fun place to party who is this beautiful little girl your granddaughter >> yeah, that's is my granddaughter, kylo. [ audience aws ] >> jimmy: aw, my gosh. >> i call her my grand cookie. >> jimmy: aw [ audience aws ] how old is she >> she is three, man she, like, right after that cute picture - >> jimmy: yeah >> she grabbed and smashed my hat up, right then >> jimmy: yeah [ laughter ] >> oh, ah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: do you like being a grandpa? >> i do. i mean, it's cute. i mean, you know, because she was just visiting and she came in they were leaving -- you know, you got grand kids, like, the purpose of them. >> jimmy: yeah >> they come in and she was there for three or four days and it was like, "okay, bye, guys." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: time to go no, no bye. [ laughter ] >> i'm gon' get some sleep [ laughter ] >> jimmy: let's talk about "the neighborhood. congrats, season two >> yeah. >> jimmy: happened on monday night over on cbs. >> yeah, man >> jimmy: you -- when you first got involved, you told me that there was something you thought was missing. >> yeah, yeah.
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you know, it was -- our executive director, i mean, producer jim reynolds, it was about his story. you know, moving into a black neighborhood but he didn't really have the perspective of the black people so when he was writing it, it was more like what he thought black people thought and i was like, "nah." you know [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah >> it's just, like, so that's when i got involved and we were able to kind of, like, gel and make the show what i - you know, what it turned out to be and it's really been successful and we're having a lot of fun th it,an, so - >> jimmy: you gotta be proud of it >> yeah, man >> jimmy: it's a great show. >> yeah, i'm having a great time great cast, you know, max and tichina arnold >> jimmy: yeah >> beth behrs, we're having a great time, man. >> jimmy: that's fun i want to show everyone a clip here's cedric the entertainer in "the neighborhood." take a look at this. >> calvin, you in the kitchen? >> oh, we just letting ourselves into each other's houses now [ laughter ] >> picked up the napkins and the plates went with the clear ones, so you can see the food from both sides. [ laughter ]
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ooh, looks like you're making your sauce >> yeah, that's right. >> everyone back at home loved my sauce i have a secret ingredient >> oh, good. why don't you keep it a secret [ laughter ] >> jimmy: do me a favor. [ cheers and applause >> yeah, man >> jimmy: do me a favor, keep that a secret. >> yeah, exactly >> jimmy: cedric the entertainer, everybody. [ cheers and applause "the neighborhood" returns to cbs on monday night. we'll be right back with stand-up from mark normand stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause ♪ [ whimper ] we were lost, in a vast desert completely devoid of basset hounds. [ back in baby's arms by patsy cline ] then, it appeared a beacon of hope. ♪ i'm back in baby's arms more glorious than a billion sunsets. we were found. ♪ i'm back where i belong found by the hounds. ♪ back in baby's arms
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♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: our next guest can be seen at "the sacramento punch line," september 26th through the 28th please welcome the very funny mark norman, everybody [cheering and applause]. ♪ >> hey, hey. all right. thanks so i feel a little sluggish. i really did it up last night. i got to take it easy on the booze, you know. my cousin's a doctor he thinks we should get rid of alcohol. said it kills 2 1/2 million people every year, which is sad, but, i mean, think of how many people it produces. [ laughter ] got to be, like, three-to-one, you know [ laughter ] if my parents didn't drink, i might not be here. [ laughter ] i'm definitely going to name my kids after the substance that got them conceived
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"this is my daughter tequila and this is my son yeager. what about the kid hugging your leg? [ laughs ] "that's molly. [ laughter ] yeah, i went out with my friend uh, he's gay we get along really well he's gay, i'm broke. i feel, like, poor people and gay people have a lot in common, you know, right? both born that way, yeah [ laughter ] yeah women just want to be our friends. [ laughter ] and when you finally tell your parents they're, like, "yeah, we knew. [ laughter ] yeah [cheering and applause] yeah, we were drinking that "white claw." oh, you guys ever touch -- yeah, it is too much i like "white claw" because it sounds like the new marvel hero, "white claw. [ laughter ] sounds like wolverine's over privileged nephew, you know? [ laughter ] white claw's superpower would be showing up to a wedding in flip-flops and driving his dad's boat while hitting a a juul [ laughter ] yeah i'm doing better though. i used to blackout four or five
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nights a week. i've cut back. now my phone is my main addiction. my brother goes, "hey, phone addiction, better than alcohol. i don't know, same side effects. both dangerous while driving both when i go to it i'm nervous at party and both have helped us all sleep with very regrettable people [ laughter ] right, the phone is just the new booze. both are fun, but if you do it for too long it just becomes depressing [ laughter ] yeah, you drink too much, you're, like, "i hate myself." you look at your phone too long you're, like, "ah, even jeff found love ah." [ laughter ] [ laughter and applause it is too much too much yeah my biggest fear used to be the bar closing. that was like my biggest fear. now my biggest fear is my phone dying, you know? which is pretty good 100 years ago we had real problems "my baby has the black lung, she might not make it through the night. i'm, like, "i'm at 2% i might actually have to feel something. [ laughter ] yeah [ laughter and applause i'm hooked oh, geez yeah, i used to carry a battery pack on me now in case my phone dies that's insane.
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that's like carrying a flask to fill up your empty flask [ laughter ] that's where i'm at. and i don't even know, can you quit a phone, you know if somebody says, "hey, i gave up drinking. i go, "good for you. if somebody says, "i gave up my phone. i'm, like, "how did you get here?" [ laughter ] the phone is ruining our lives it's bad you know, i was walking down third avenue i was next to a homeless guy he was drunk, i was on my phone. we're doing the same stuff [ laughter ] yeah he was yelling about the government i'm tweeting at trump. yeah [ laughter ] he's creepily staring at beautiful women. i'm scrolling through instagram, you know? [ laughter ] he's flashing everybody. i'm sending a photo of mine. [ laughter ] yeah [ cheers ] i don't know, we uh -- [ cheers ] we don't know how to connect anymore. you know, my friend just got dumped so i took him out, tried to wing man him meet some ladies for him didn't go too well, you know he got upset he's, like, "screw this, let's go to a strip club." i don't get that logic you know, to me that's, like, going fishing, not cating anything and being, like, "screw this, let's go to the aquarium." [ laughter ] it's the same thing. [ applause ]
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oh, yeah the only difference is no one leaves an aquarium going, "i'll tell ya, i think that flounder was into me. [ laughter ] "that's one hot piece of bass. [ laughter ] so, yeah i don't know we'll figure it out. i got to figure something out. i'm 35 you know, i'm at the age when all of my friends are getting divorced [ laughter ] and, yeah, it is tough i'm surprised people still want toet married that shocks me especially younger people. they're so against traditional stuff, you know. but yet every lady i know is dying to get married, which blows my mind. ladies, you've come so far, so much progress, yet when it comes to marriage you guys get very old fashioned "i want the ring and the dress and the party. "what? grow up. [ laughter ] ladies, you're killing it. go frolic, be free "but it is my special day. "all right, why do you have to ruin mine? [ laughter ] i don't know, but that's why you ladies are brilliant you gals are geniuses, ladies, because you guys tend to be the ones who want to get married, yet somehow you designed it to where the man asks you
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[ laughter ] that's jedi-level mind trick, right there. [ laughter ] yes, well played right? genius ladies, genius. you're like, yoda. "i want to get married but you'll ask me. "yes, you go it. "and you'll get down on one knee." "no problem. "and you'll buy me an expensive ring." "will do." "and whose idea was this?" "all mine. [ laughter ] well played ladies, well played i don't know my -- marriage just feels like the least romanic thing on the planet. it's legal ugh. [ laughter ] l got to go to the courthouse, get a license. what's the license for that's the only license we don't check by the way driver's license, liquor license, people check a fishing license. i'm going to start checking marriage license [ laughter ] next time i see a short, broke, weird guy, he's, like, "that's my hot wife over there." i'm gonna be, like, " let me see some id. [ laughter ] thanks a lot i'm kevin hart. thank you. [ cheers and applause ♪ >> jimmy: visit we'll be right back.
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[ cheers and applause ♪ >> jimmy: my thanks to sylvester stallone, cedric the entertainer, brad pitt, mark normand once again. [ cheers and applause and the roots right there from philadelphia, pennsylvania stay tuned for "late night with seth myers." thank you for watching have a great night i hope to see you tomorrow bye-bye, everybody [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers. tonight -- glenn howerton presidential candidate, andrew yang, author, margaret atwood, featuring the 8g band with yesod williams ♪ [ cheers and applause laes and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> seth: good evening. i'm seth meyers. this is "late night. how's everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause great to hear. in that case, let's get to the news during a visit to the u.s./mexico border yesterday, president trump claimed the new wall is designed to absorb, heat


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