♪ 9 chicken-seals screaming as my neighbor gave to me ♪ i'm sorry! i'm sorry! duh, duh, duh. [ gasps ] go to watchcroods.com. ♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: my thanks to mariah carey, andrew rannells, jose feliciano and the roots, right there, ladies and gentlemen thank you all for watching stay safe out there. wash your hands. don't touch your face. stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers. goodnight, everybody [ cheers and applause ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> announcer: tonight on "late night with seth meyers," chris hayes, author, david sedaris, an all new "closer look, featuring the 8g band with fred armisen and now, seth meyers ♪ >> seth: welcome to "late night," everybody. it's day three of the election, but who's counting seriously, who is counting hurry up i'm teetering on the edge. today i opened the fridge and saw a carton of 2% milk and i yelled, "from what county? let's get to the news. according to the "associated press," former vice president

joe biden is currently just six electoral votes shy of winning the presidency six electoral votes, or as it's also known, one block in manhattan. a nevada man in a "barbecue, beer, freedom" tank top interrupted an election press conference yesterday and screamed conspiracy theories about former vice president joe biden. and after his coworkers saw him on tv, the man was demoted to lieutenant governor. president trump's campaign filed a lawsuit in michigan yesterday to stop counting of ballots. dude, you're behind in michigan. i'm worried you're so confident because you think this is golf rules. "just saw the numbers out of new york and massachusetts, very encouraging, way below par." over 150 trump supporters yesterday gathered in front of an arizona election office and started chanting, quote, "count the vote." yeah, that's what they're doing. it's like standing outside a mcdonald's yelling, "make some burgers. puerto rico, this week, voted in favor of becoming a u.s. state well, that's great cause we are in the market for a new one. the state of new jersey

legalized recreational marijuana on election day. it's significant because it's been almost 30 years since new jersey added a new smell [ laughter ] cheetos is selling a new holiday popcorn tin which contains cheddar, and flamin' hot popcorn and features chester the cheetah in a santa claus hat it's the gift that says, "there was a walmart between my house and your house." you like cheetos, right? itisbrgovernment has announced that everyone in the city of liverpool will be tested for the coronavirus as part of a new trial program. they'll be tested for four different strains, the smart one, the cute one, the funny one and the quiet one. i'm assuming something has happened in the last 60 years in liverpool, too, right? [ laughter ] no walmart is reportedly planning to replace its inventory tracking robots with human workers. apparently, the robots demanded better working conditions.

and finally, a private jet charter service has begun offering a so-called wedding in the sky package for $28,000 that includes a two-hour flight for up to 16 guests, champagne, flowers and a cabin crew member to officiate and for another five grand, they'll throw in the honeymoon suite. "here you are, my dear don't wait up. that was the monologue and some physical comedy for you. you guys, we got a great show for you tonight. he's the emmy-winning host of "all in with chris hayes," recorded right here in this building, he is currently getting on the elevator to come talk to us right here in the studio plus, he's one of my favorite writers. david sedaris will be here his new book, "the best of me," is available now but before we get to all that. the president's path to re-election is narrowing as the remaining swing states continue counting ballots so now, his team is trying a new strategy -- keep counting trump votes, but stop counting biden votes.

for more on this, it's time for "a closer look." ♪ >> seth: it's worth noting that we tape our show at 5:00 p.m so we don't know if there is going to be a call tonight or not but things are looking pretty good for joe biden. but donald trump, political mastermind that he is, has discovered a hack. just declare the states you want to win and claim victory without evidence >> he said, quote, "we have claimed for electoral vote purposes the commonwealth of pennsylvania, which won't allow legal observers, the state of georgia and the state of north carolina, each one of which has a big trump lead additionally, we hereby claim the state of michigan if, in fact, there was a large number of secretly dumped ballots as has been widely reported." >> seth: i love when trump tries to write something in legalese and ends up sounding like bill and ted arguing over who gets shotgun in a car "i hereby claim the front seat for the ride to white castle." "ah, but as you can see, my hand has heretofore been placed upon the exterior of the vehicle, therefore negating your verbal declaration of shotgun, and

thus, your claim must be withdrawn forthwith. also, i love that trump thinks using the word "hereby" makes his tweet an official legal document the guy spent most of his life in court, and that's the only thing he learned "if anyone's giving you trouble, just throw in a 'hereby. nobody comes back from that. and it wasn't just trump everyone in and around his campaign, from his weird adult sons, to his campaign manager, tried to just claim victory in pennsylvania without any evidence, before the votes had been counted >> white house spokesperson kayleigh mcenany tweeted, "victory for president in pennsylvania." >> we've declared victory in pennsylvania >> we are declaring a victory in pennsylvania >> seth: oh, you're declaring victory in pennsylvania? okay well, i'm declaring myself king of the andals and the first men, lord of the seven kingdoms, and protector of the realm and my first official act is not sending that dragon to fight the night king also, can someone tell me again how bran got elected did westeros also have an electoral college? were there a lot of bran fans in maricopa county? "and again, you have to remember, we expect maricopa to

break late for bran. anyway, the point is, you don't just get to declare victory in any state, and no one cares that you did. i mean, i guess we have to care a little bit because you're the president, and you wield an insane amount of power but ideally, you know, we'd just ignore you when someone gets on the subway and declares them self king of the f train and demands tribute, you don't stand up and start arguing with them, saying, "actually, according to mta bylaws, none of the trains have monarchs." you just turn up the volume on your airpods no one's buying these false declarations of victory in part because even the trump team can't keep their bull [ bleep ] straight in pennsylvania, they want to stop the count while they're ahead. in arizona, however, they're suddenly concerned that the counting will stop while they're behind if you thought trump ghouls have plumbed the depths of their shamelessness, think again,

because here's kellyanne conway and sarah huckabee sanders on fox news this morning claiming that when it comes to states trump is losing, we should take our time after months of insisting baotllshs ould not be counted after election day >> arizona and pennsylvania, i think, are key for the president. and those are both places where he still has a path to victory and so i think it is incredibly too early for them to make that type of announcement, because we've still got votes left to be counted and i think that has to be completed before we can determine who the winner is. >> we spent three years -- they spent three years investigating the president, impeaching the president. we can't wait three hours, three days, three weeks to get a result in our great sturdy democracy as to whom the next president will be? i mean, what is the rush >> seth: yeah, what's the rush let's take our time! three hours, three days, three weeks, three years let's take our time to figure this out, because if donald trump is known for one thing, it's patience trump is the least patient man alive. you can tell, because even when he's standing still, he sways back and forth like a fourth grader posing for a school photo. i mean, is your bladder full if you have to go, go. we're going to find out years later that trump held it in the whole time he was in office. "i can only go in my gold toilet at home. that's right

after months of claiming any delay in counting would be suspicious, and they wanted all the votes counted and declared on election night, now they want us all to take our time and make sure every vote is counted, which is correct we agree count every vote, everywhere in reality, of course, they'll just switch to whatever position suits their political interest next, they're gonna argue we should wait four years to count and let trump crash with joe at the white house in the meantime. "we're out of toilet paper, joe. "it's noon what are you doing out here in your bath robe?" "i was watching fox news they think you stink." "i'm trying to work here." "yeah, i had this job. it's the worst." you almost got to applaud their ability to pivot on a dime from one brazen lie to another contradictory lie. but hey, you heard it. the president's closest and most trusted advisers, let's take our time and count all the votes and we agree count every vote, in every state, everywhere. i am so glad that's settled. oh oh my god. that's weird okay, i hear typing. almost as if someone is angrily tweeting, misspelling it and then tweeting it again >> president trump there, tweeted, "stop the count."

>> seth: oh, no! but what about kellyanne conway's credibility how will we ever believe anything she says ever again that tweet came like an hour after conway and the other trump hacks were all over fox news claiming that, actually, we need to keep counting all the ballots. trying to stay on message with trump is like trying to ride a mechanical bull slathered in olive oil. and then again, today, trump tried to use his magical powers of tweeting to declare, without any basis in law whatsoever, that ballots postmarked by election day, but received after election day should not be counted. and once again, as they've done with many of his deranged tweets, twitter censored it because it was a lie >> mail-in ballot counting continues in philadelphia, despite president trump's tweet saying, "any vote that came in after election day will not be counted. >> seth: sorry, bud, that's not up to you. that's like me saying, "any writer who leaves before 5:00 will not be paid." i mean, they all do it anyway. at least the ones who are sober enough to make it to the subway. true story my writers don't even know we do interviews on this show.

but i have to say, it will be fun to see if trump keeps trying his magic twitter powers after he leaves office "any guac added at chipotle will be free of charge. there are many states, including swing states, where as long as your ballot is postmarked on or before the election, it can be counted afterward. those states include pennsylvania and north carolina, but there are also a bunch of heavily republican states that do the same thing, like mississippi, north dakota, iowa, texas, ohio, west virginia, utah and alaska of course, in alaska, they have to give you extra time, because the mail there is delivered via malamute and this is a real tangent, but all day long i've read that line and thought it should be a lyric in a beastie boys song ♪ i get all my mail delivered by a malamute ♪ also, i gotta say that it's so great trump is spending the days after the election with basically his entire twitter feed censored. it's like taking away zorro's sword. without it, he's just a creepy dude with a mustache and a cape. "yeah officer, i'd like to report a weird man who just fogged up my window and drew a 'z' with his finger." i wish we could slap the twitter warning label on trump's mouth whenever he talks.

to be clear, there's no evidence for fraud anywhere the best they can come up with is a dumb and obviously fake internet rumor claiming arizona officials duped trump voters into filling out ballots with sharpie, knowing that sharpie would be disqualified, which it's not allies of president trump are promoting a baseless conspiracy theory that poll workers tricked trump voters by providing them with sharpies to cast their votes and then rejected the ballots due to the use of the marker it must be so hard for the trump administration to pretend to be anti sharpie it's what he used to write his inauguration speech. it's also what he uses to sign boobs and control the weather. i'm pretty sure it's what rudy uses to get hyped up for his fox appearances. second, my favorite thing about this is even their best attempt at claiming fraud involves admitting that they're easily tricked doofuses what happened? did a guy in a white van pull up and say, "hey, you going to vote for president? you wanna do it with a sharpie oh, you using a pen, square? there's no evidence of fraud in

pennsylvania either, where they're literally just counting the ballots that have been legitimately cast, as they always do. and you can tell even the trump team is struggling to keep up this line of bs because they're getting challenged on their favorite tv channel, fox news, as white house press secretary kayleigh mcenany discovered on wednesday. >> we have election days in this country for a reason it's 'cause votes are counted on election day so we are fighting for the american people to know sooner rather than later. we want the votes to be counted. >> but kayleigh, we always have had provisional ballots and military ballots that get counted later. the votes have to be in by november 3rd, that was what their state legislature and their court system - >> postmarked. >> agreed to that it had to be postmarked by november 3rd and then counted. so the voting is happening on election day >> and the legislature, you're right, determines the time, the manner and the place in which an election happens we believe every vote on election day should be counted but it's those that arrive after the election day that we are fighting in court. >> even if they already voted on november 3rd, which is the postmark >> we are fighting for those that are after november 3rd. we want election day ballots to

be counted >> seth: and i got more lies than kayleigh mcenany. [ laughter ] first of all, i love how her only move is to just keep nodding her head, even while she's being fact checked, as if the anchors disproving her lies are actually agreeing with her it's like watching a drunk person argue with a cop. "ma'am, did you know you were swerving between lanes?" "yes, yes, officer, i was changing lanes." "you almost hit a tree, ma'am. "yes i was trying to park in the woods. the trump campaign is desperate to manufacture some non-existent fraud in order to steal the election so they sent their best man to philadelphia, the italian ziggy, rudy giuliani. rudy held a press conference in philadelphia yesterday, where he claimed, with zero evidence, that there was fraud happening and that democrats were somehow stealing the election by, again, just counting the votes. >> how many votes do we have to be ahead 400,000 is not enough? with 80 plus percent counted i think there's only 14% of the vote to go do you think we're stupid?

you think we're fools? >> seth: yeah. hard yes on both counts. it's like when a metal band takes the stage and asks if you're ready to rock you don't really have to ask i wouldn't have bought megadeth tickets if i was looking for a quiet night of reflection, man no offense, rudy, but i don't trust you to tell us who's up and who's down, since you don't know the difference between up and down >> from the top to the bottom, from the middle to the side. >> seth: can you imagine how confusing it must be when he reports back to trump? "great news, donald, you're up here, while biden's down here. if you need me, i'll be in the middle." seriously, rudy, it might be time to pack it in or, in your case, tuck it in man, every time rudy sees that clip, he must think, "[ bleep ] my life. [ light laughter ] that was for shoemaker you know the funny thing about shoemaker, he doesn't like borat, he just likes when people do the impression. again, rudy just made up a bunch of lies without any evidence at all. he claimed mail-in ballots, which we've been counting since the civil war, were a new thing

and somehow fraudulent, that voters were being bussed in from other states, that joe biden himself somehow voted 50 times and even that dead people might be voting. >> this whole new thing that never happened before in our country, these mail-in ballots, which has been a cause of real concern for everyone, because they can easily be fraudulent. and you have a reputation of people being bussed in from camden voting here wouldn't be the first time that happened joe biden could have voted 50 times as far as we know, or 5,000 times. philadelphia, unfortunately, and i would say this about my own city, has a reputation for voter fraud. you have a reputation for dead people voting. and we're gonna go look at just how many dead people voted here. >> seth: of course rudy thinks dead people voted. he voted "we have proof that dead people are voting i just went to a polling place yesterday, and they let me in, even after i blew a zero on the thermometer. and we need voter i.d. laws. nobody even checked my toe tag." how are you gonna look at how many dead people voted are you gonna go to the morgue and see if any of the corpses are wearing stickers "boss, i found another one."

all of this is so dumb and transparent, but unfortunately, it has consequences. trump supporters believe this stuff, which is why one of them crashed a press conference in nevada yesterday screaming that joe biden was stealing the election >> as i mentioned, we are not prepared to give that number now. >> the biden crime family is stealing the election. the media is covering up the biden crime family is stealing this election the media is covering it up. the biden crime family is stealing this election the media is covering it up. we want our freedom for the world. give us our freedom, joe biden biden is covering up this election, he's stealing it >> where were we what was the last question >> seth: i mean, that's fantastic how he finishes screaming and just walks away like a guy complaining about his order at the deli. "i said, 'no mustard!' no mustard." [ laughter ] it's so hard to take your claims of voter fraud seriously when you're wearing a tank top that looks like you won it in a wing-eating contest. you're not allowed to make legal claims when you're not wearing sleeves.

"and can we assume you're from the law firm of barbecue, beer and freedom? "oh, it's actually barbecue, beer, freedom and leibowitz. i mean look at your outfit you look like mike scollins in a zoom meeting [ light laughter ] that joke made my writing staff very happy well, almost all of them so trump, kellyanne conway, sarah huckabee sanders, kayleigh mcenany, rudy giuliani, none of them can keep their stories straight which is why even the crowds of trump supporters harassing and intimidating poll workers can't keep their stories straight either in michigan, where trump started out ahead, they called on poll workers to stop counting votes but in arizona, where trump is behind, they called for the opposite >> stop the count! stop the count stop the count stop the count >> count the votes count the votes! count the votes! >> seth: truly, we are a nation divided. i don't think trump voters actually know what they're chanting i just think they love to chant. "build that wall." "lock them up. "count the votes." "stop the count.

it doesn't actually matter, they just love three-word phrases if we could just send in the barbecue, beer and freedom guy and have him do a keg stand, they'd quickly switch to chanting, "drink that beer drink that beer! personally, i think the best chance we have for distracting these trump supporters and keeping them away from poll workers is to just sic them on each other and let them shout back and forth >> stop the count. >> count the votes >> stop the count. >> count the votes >> stop the count. >> count the votes >> seth: and then we can just leave them there to yell at each other for four years while the rest of us get on with our lives. this is a dangerous moment the president and his supporters telegraphed for weeks that they would try to steal the election and now they're doing it we can't let them. we have to count every ballot, in every state, everywhere - >> from the top to the bottom, from the middle to the side. >> seth: this has been "a closer look." ♪ ♪

>> announcer: for more of seth's "closer looks," be sure to subscribe to "late night" on youtube. this week on "the upper hands"... special guest flo challenges the hand models to show off the ease of comparing rates with progressive's home quote explorer. international hand model jon-jon gets personal. your wayward pinky is grotesque. then a high stakes patty-cake battle royale ends in triumph. you have the upper hands! it's a race to the lowest rate, and so much more. only on "the upper hands." it's a race to the lowest rate, and so much more. it's not tthis week...ave on last-minute gifts. save on toys... ...select tvs... ...home appliances and more until december 24th. this week only. save on last-minute gifts. at target. herethat took a shot at crafting a bolder, smoother tequila and never looked back.

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(vo) get 0% for 63 months and subaru will donate 250 dollars to charity. ♪ >> seth: we've been so happy to have fred leading the 8g band this week. and he's got a new series on showtime that starts this sunday called "moonbase 8." hey, fred, out of -- out of five stars, how many would you give it

all right. i guess i'm going to have to watch. our first guest tonight is the best-selling author and emmy-winning host of "all in with chris hayes," which airs weeknights at 8:00 p.m. on msnbc. please welcome back to the show, our friend, chris hayes, everybody. ♪ >> hi. >> seth: well, you've done a show without an audience >> well -- >> seth: but you don't walk out. yeah, you don't -- you don't do a long walk out. >> over here >> seth: hi, buddy >> how we doing? >> seth: well, i want to ask how you are doing? you did the 12:00 to 2:00 shift last night >> yes, i'm doing the 12:00 to 2:00 shift again tonight and then maybe - >> seth: not a lot happened between 12:00 to 2:00 last night. >> i'm insulted you would say that >> seth: no, it was nice -- it was nice to have you providing perspective on it, but i think for people -- the night before, it seemed like a lot happened between 12:00 and 2:00 >> yeah, i mean, we're all -- look, it is very funny to look in -- i really love the fact that these places, i think it is a great blow for transparency. all these places that are counting the ballots, you know, they have live streams and we have had reporters in

there. at a certain level all of us are like, "come on, let's hurry up." and you look at them, and they are, like -- >> seth: yeah. >> doing it. [ laughter ] and just, you know, it is what it is. they got a lot to process. and then these states that aren't used to this. pennsylvania and nevada being two examples where they don't have a lot of mail-in ballots. it's just going to take a little while. >> seth: it does seems like they have been out in front secretaries of state -- secretaries of state, right? >> yeah. >> seth: and attorneys general >> attorneys general >> seth: yeah. and election officials where do you think we are right now? i mean, so i should clarify, it's right before 5:00 you are going to be on tv a little bit later do you think much will change between now and when you are on? >> yes, because pennsylvania -- pennsylvania election officials said they might have the count done today, which would be, just positive, basically. >> seth: yeah. >> i mean, given the current margins in the outstanding ballots, the rate at which they are coming in, were pennsylvania to count today, i think it's -- it looks like, we don't know definitively, that biden would

pull ahead, perhaps by a margin along the michigan level margin, 100,000 votes or plus, which is sizable. and that would then be 270 >> seth: right >> of sort of states that we can feel, you know, pretty rock solid about. >> seth: a lot of people have made this observation on twitter, smarter people than me who talk about elections and we actually alluded to it before the election about what happened in 2018, which is the first sort of post-op, which was sort of happening, i guess, in real time was there's no blue wave >> yep >> seth: just like everybody's saying, this is very bad and that if they had counted the votes in an opposite order, the narrative would have been very different on tuesday night >> oh, that's absolutely true. i mean, a lot of people are saying that particularly with pennsylvania, michigan and wisconsin because -- and this was engineered by donald trump and republicans in those states to prevent them from what's doing precanvassing, which is, like, counting ahead of time these mail-in ballots. had they done that first, you would -- it would have been -- you know, i think by election

night we would have probably known that those states were going to go to biden and if we knew on election night that the three midwestern states had flipped, giving the 270 necessary, then it would have been a very different kind of and i feel more definitive probably narrative about what happened this -- you know, post election narratives are always dangerous things for a bunch of reasons. one is incomplete data sometimes bad data people benchmarking against polling expectations even though the polls were wrong >> seth: mm-hmm. >> so the thing there isn't that, "oh, well, what did this candidate do wrong in that race?" it's, no, the pollster was wrong. >> seth: right >> that it was a close race. it never was the candidate didn't do anything wrong. they were just not going to win that race. >> seth: right, you're saying that people who are watching saying how could they blow a ten-point polling lead >> yeah. >> seth: there's no, like, it's not like there - >> there was never a ten-point polling -- >> seth: right, there was never a ten-point voting lead. there was a polling projection, which is very different. >> yes, i think -- i think we now have enough to know that, you know, there is something systemically bad and wrong with particularly state and district level polling. and so it gives everyone this sense of like, "whoa, what

happened?" but if the measurement was wrong all along. if the measurement had been saying all along, you know, theresa greenfield is going the lose by eight points in iowa to joni ernst - >> seth: mm-hmm. >> when she lost by eight points, you say, "it was kind of a plus eight republican state. >> seth: right >> looks about what i would think. >> seth: yeah, and in the year leading up to it, i don't think people would have been shocked like, "can you believe joni ernst is up eight points? >> no. >> seth: like, it would have made total sense >> now the places where there is real damage is the house districts. >> seth: right >> and i think there's some probably some winnable house districts that were lost partly because i think -- will figure this out, what the national environment was one big thing you saw was, you know, republican turnout was insane >> seth: yeah. >> it was insane on both sides you know, it has been a catechism for my life in politics i think particularly in certain circles, on the sort of liberal and left that high turnout elections are how democrats can win. but you know, there is lots of people who don't vote who are also conservatives >> seth: right >> and what ends up happening often is that if one side

motivates and turns out its people, the other side does it as well. >> seth: right, because one thing that will happen is donald trump will end up with far more votes than he had four years ago. >> yes, numerically more votes >> seth: right >> it's going to be so interesting the see what that final popular vote percentage margin is. >> seth: mm-hmm. >> i mean, one of the things that's so weird about this and the electoral college is we've all watched -- we watch the maps, and then we watch the states and then we do the paths and we press the buttons and we get the map. in all the other races we are watching, you know, state races, house races, someone is winning by three or four points. it's like "oh, that looks like they are going to win that race." >> seth: yeah. >> and that's kind of it is what it is. it was a close but decisive victory, four points joe biden is probably going to win by that. >> seth: right >> four points, maybe five he may win a bigger margin than barack obama's re-election in 2012 over mitt romney. i mean, that's pretty striking the -- the difference being that barack obama's 2012 victory over mitt romney was more geographically balanced. >> seth: mm-hmm.

>> and so it got called that night and it was across a bunch of states where he had a very clear electoral advantage. but in terms of total votes cast and the total margin, biden might actually beat that spread. >> seth: i want to come back and talk to you about perception and optics of an election like this. we'll be right back with more from chris hayes ♪ this holiday, get the phones everyone wants on the 5g america's been waiting for. verizon 5g is next level. now get one of our best 5g phones on us when you buy one. and get $500 when you switch. plus select unlimited plans include disney+, hulu, and espn+. 100% obsessed with "the mandalorian." i watch a lot of sports. it has all my favorite shows. and right now, the gaming the whole family will love is also on us. it's like a gift on top of another gift. gifts keep coming at you. everywhere. this is 5g from america's most reliable network. lights, ornaments, chand lil choo choo trains..

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♪ >> seth: welcome back to "late night. we're here with chris hayes. you were here right after the 2016 election. it does seem slightly more optimistic now with the caveat that there is no audience and we are in the middle of a raging pandemic still >> yeah, i mean, i have to say, there's been -- there's been two seismic events in my life covering politics as an adult that have massively shifted politics one was 9/11 where you saw the president's approval rating go

to 90% right? and then the iraq war and all that came out of that. and the other was financial crisis which happened, what -- lehman brothers was six weeks before the election. barack obama wins by huge margins as do democrats. i think i thought covid would be the same >> seth: yeah. >> i really did. it feels the same to me. i, having known people that have died from covid, having known people that have gotten very sick from covid, having known people's whose lives have been profoundly affected by it. and it's the single most remarkable thing of anything in politics i have ever covered that the president's approval rating was exactly the same essentially in october of last year as it was this year >> seth: yeah. and it did not -- i think one thing that is safe to say is this election was not a repudiation of donald trump in that he did not bleed support. you know, obviously more people, as you mentioned, turned out to vote for joe biden but it is also interesting to me

that one thing that we are already seeing is -- and it strikes me that this happens all the time you see conservative writers saying it right now. you see some writers on the left saying it as well, which is the democratic party really has to look in the mirror - >> yeah. >> seth: after a reaction -- an election like this, which is very interesting to me, because i think that if donald trump had won with the same numbers that joe biden had, nobody would be saying that they - >> no. and in fact, they're going to lose -- i mean, let's talk about context here in the history of the american republic, no party has won seven of eight popular votes, ever i mean, since 1992, they did it once, with incumbent wartime president george w. bush since 1992 and you don't get these histrionic you know hand wringing look, here's the fundamental truth about the country. it's polarized in a structural way at about 40 -- 46-46 and everything moves between - >> seth: right >> these two and so, you know, if you're -- if you're in a room and you got 47 people in t-shirts and -- and -- and 43 in sweatshirts -- and 53 in sweatshirts and you leave and six of them switch, you don't come back to the room and be like, "what happened to

this room? >> seth: right >> "i thought this was a sweatshirt room. and now it's a t-shirt room? you wouldn't even notice but that switch, that would -- that's everything. a six-point change in the polls changes who has power, changes the power of the political coalitions and also produces a bunch of takes that are like "why we are a sweatshirt nation and will forever be a sweatshirt nation." >> seth: right >> and that -- the -- the core thing underneath all election results is the structural polarization that is the -- that's the gravity that everything is operating around >> seth: another thing that's happened a lot over the last four years is i feel like there is a see sawing back and forth between trump is this political genius who is playing 3d chess or he fell ass backwards into it and calls one of the pieces the horsey [ laughter ] here's the thing it does seem like their legal challenges, which you would have thought they'd be ready for, as what we've seen so far, seem very sloppy and dashed off >> yes, extremely sloppy and dashed off

look, you can't litigate your way out of an 80,000 vote margin you can't. you can maybe litigate your way out of a 1,000 vote margin >> seth: right >> 1,500 vote margin, you can't litigate your -- it's just not going to happen. i -- it's funny you bring this up i have had the same internal debate and i have been on both sides of that debate >> seth: yup >> political genius, some weird power or just like complete accident i think one of the pieces of evidence is that donald trump is bad at politics and unpopular and a drag on the republican party. and marco rubio would have won 2016 by quite a bit. and republicans all over the country outran donald trump. >> seth: this -- yes >> yes >> seth: yeah. >> i think -- or you could say joe biden outran, you know - >> seth: right >> democrats under the ticket. but there was some ticket splitting that happened. and i think a lot of it was, i don't like donald trump. >> seth: right >> i think donald trump is -- has been unpopular and, you know, it's so weird, his version of performance is

compelling there is a -- there is something there. >> seth: of course >> you know, as a performer. he -- and i think actually it would be better for the country and better for him to just go do his toilet bit - >> seth: yeah. >> at rallies which he loves it's a funny bit - >> seth: it's a great bit. >> about how you can't flush the toilet >> seth: i will say my favorite bit of his is that rich guys want to go to space. >> yes >> seth: that's genuinely -- >> a good bit. >> seth: a good stand-up bit >> it's a good bit so he -- so he should go do his bits - >> seth: yeah. >> and not do any presidenting and people can maybe pay money i mean, you know, like yakov smirnoff -- built a whole -- >> seth: yeah, in branson, missouri >> in branson, missouri. he's got a whole thing donald trump should just do that >> seth: build his own theater >> yeah. >> seth: paint it gold >> exactly >> seth: he'll build it whatever is cheapest. >> just go - >> seth: and paint it beautiful gold >> go do your work >> seth: well, it is very nice to have you here hopefully you will have some news for us tonight -- >> yup >> seth: or ideally tomorrow and thank you for making the time and it's always -- >> this is great >> seth: it's nice to see you in

person >> wonderful to see you in person >> seth: it is really good we'll be right back with david sedaris. ♪ ♪ ♪what if you had it all ♪but nobody to call? ♪maybe then, you'd know me♪ ♪ ♪'cause i've had everything♪ ♪but no one's listening♪ ♪and that's just lonely♪ ♪i'm so lonely♪

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♪ >> seth: our next guest is a "new york times" best selling author his new collection "the best of me" is available now please welcome back to the show, one of our favorites, david sedaris. how are you, david >> hi, seth. thanks so much for having me >> seth: it's a delight to have you. this is a collection of your past writing but since it's an election year, i do want to talk about how you have written in the past about the undecided voter. can you tell us how you describe the undecided voter? >> i wrote something years ago in "the new yorker" about undecided voters and i was thinking, it was like you are on a -- i've never

understood, especially in this election, when you would just see people and they would say, "well, i haven't quite made my mind up yet. that makes me think of being on an airplane and the flight attendant would come by and say, you can either have the chicken or you can have this plate of human [ bleep ] with ground glass in it and saying, "how is the chicken cooked?" [ laughter ] i mean, how could you not have made your mind up here and i would hear people -- undecided voters in this election and they would say, "i just haven't had time to do the research i don't know who the candidates are. i guess i just wonder, what do you talk about with your friends? if you don't know anything -- you had eight years to kind of know who joe biden is. and i feel like i've had all of my life to know who donald trump is >> seth: do you have any jealousy of people who can go actually through life not engaging with politics because there are certainly times where that sounds nice to me

>> it sounds nice to me, too there was a woman in the "new york times" the other day. and they had an article about people who simply were not going to vote. they were registered but they weren't going to vote. and there was this woman who lives in pennsylvania. she is a waitress at a pancake restaurant and she said it is just too divisive and there is so much hatred around voting, so -- and i work two jobs, actually, so i just spend all my time getting by okay and she was pictured on her front porch and she had her christmas decorations up already. so you had time to put your christmas decorations up you didn't have time to vote can you imagine? and then what i thought was interesting, too, is that she thought that by not voting, she was escaping all the divisiveness but actually it just makes twice as many people hate you, right the republicans are going the hate you for not voting for trump. and the democrats are going to hate you for not voting for biden. so now everybody hates her >> seth: it is true. it is weird to me that when people are very public about the

fact that they can't make up their mind in an election like this one you are in new york now. you have lived abroad for, i believe, up to -- almost seven years. people always threaten to move when elections come around do people ask you in the lead up to something like this how you go about it? >> especially when trump was first elected i got all of these calls, and all these emails. "how could i move to england how could i move to france?" and i would think, nobody actually does that, right? i mean, i moved to europe in 1998. but i wasn't -- bill clinton was president. and i didn't move because i disliked bill clinton. i just moved but -- and i always want to say to people, you think it is really easy to move overseas, but it's really hard right? but then i thought about it and it wasn't hard you know, when i moved to england i had to prove that i had written a book and they gave me a visa as a writer. and then they gave my boyfriend a visa as a writer's boyfriend so whenever we would go into england, the customs people would say, "what kind of mysteries do you write"?

because they would just always assume it is a mystery then they would say to hugh, what kind of mysteries does your boyfriend write? and then, i bet i stood in line for seven hours, right going and getting my visa renewed. altogether, seven hours. and then i had to take a test called life in the uk. right? so one of the questions was, what do people eat on christmas morning -- i mean, for christmas dinner which i guess if you were from iraq, you might not know that but one of my questions was, why did great numbers of jewish people immigrate to the united kingdom in like 1880 to 1910. it was a multiple choice one of them was to escape religious persecution. and then one of the choices was to invade and seize land [ laughter ] i mean, maybe they use that just to kind of weed people out but now i can live and work for the rest of my life in the united kingdom and i could become a citizen but my -- i don't know i'm still attached to the

united states. like, my boyfriend hugh can tell you everything he knows who the exchequer is and all of that stuff. and i don't know any of it and i'm just glued to american newspapers and podcasts and news >> seth: hopefully there will be a reason to just maybe give yourself a time -- a few months to unglue because it will be a little bit less day to day i want to ask you this as a writer because, you know, obviously you put together, you know, a collection of your old work. do you go back and reread it as a writer, do you enjoy reading your old work? >> you know, i love signing books. and so quite often i will sign a book and i am happy to sign the book but when i picture someone reading it -- if i pictured them reading it, i would never stop throwing up. i -- when i turn the book in, i believe in it. you know but then, you know how time passes and then you turn -- you turn on everything that you wrote. but i haven't -- this was just the things that i haven't turned

on that i included in this book. but i mean, me personally, i wouldn't -- i haven't read it. you know, like i will never read this book. >> seth: was it easy -- when you say "the work you didn't turn on" do you think you had that, whether you knew it or not, mentally cataloged already when they said, "do you know which stories you want," was it pretty quick for you to say, oh, i know the ones that i still love >> well, most of them were in "the new yorker. and that kinds of helps, because then if it is in "the new yorker" -- like if something is in "esquire" and you don't like it, it could be a bad essay. but if it is in "the new yorker" and you don't like it, there is something wrong with you [ laughter ] >> seth: "the new yorker" would love to hear that. they will probably put that on the cover of "the new yorker," if you don't like it, there is something wrong with you >> and then there were things that i just always looked forward to reading out loud on stage. >> seth: right >> you know, when i was working on them i thought, "oh, good, i get to read this again." so that was -- because i originally, it was just going to be an audio book and then my publisher said, "why don't we make it a book book?" and i didn't -- because of everything going on -- i had

nothing to do so i thought, "okay. >> seth: well, we are all very glad you did it. and it is always so great to see you. thank you so much for making time for us, david >> thanks, seth. thanks a million >> seth: "the best of me" is available now. we'll be right back with more "late night. ♪ t-mobile is upgrading its network at a record pace. we were the first to bring 5g nationwide. and now that sprint is a part of t-mobile we're turning up the speed. upgrading over a thousand towers a month with ultra capacity 5g. to bring speeds as fast as wifi to cities and towns across america. and we're adding more every week. coverage and speed. who says you can't have it all? subaru created the share the love event.n years ago,

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♪ [ cheers and applause ♪ >> seth: every wednesday and friday we release a podcast edition of "late night" so you can catch up on the go it's audio from the show and includes "a closer look," comedy bits and guest interviews. plus extra things exclusive for the podcast, like bonus backstage interviews, chats with the "late night" staff, original comedy sketches and more head to latenightsethpodcast.com to subscribe and it's free, which is great.

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♪ >> seth: i want to thank my guests, chris hayes and david sedaris. i want to thank fred armisen and the 8g band. >> hi, seth! >> seth: oh, amber, i'm almost done and then you can flip the set over to "the amber ruffin show." >> i didn't mean to rush you take your time >> seth: stay tuned for lilly singh. >> faster than that! >> seth: stay safe wash your hands. >> faster! >> seth: wear a mask we love you. >> we love you ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪