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tv   The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon  NBC  November 11, 2021 11:34pm-12:37am PST

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everything was okay. we arrived here about a half-hour ago and you can see about seven police cars here. they had the canine out looking for the suspect. now, police aren't sure who that suspect is. they don't know if it is a man or a woman but they're spending time combing the area, looking for someone. i did see them have the dogs take a sniff out of the car to see if they can find who it is. in the meantime, we'll have an update on the story on the morning show on today in the bay. reporting live in concord. back to you. >> we're fortunate this ended in a good way with the baby being okay. >> the baby is safe. see you tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ♪ >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center in the heart of new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon."
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tonight, join jimmy and his guests - taylor swift colin quinn, comedian jared freid and featuring the legendary roots crew >> questlove: 1549 >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: oh, my goodness. look at that look at that right there hey! look at you. welcome, welcome, welcome. oh, my god [ cheers and applause
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i love you, buddy. welcome to "the tonight show." you guys, it is veterans day and tonight, our entire audience is made up of veterans, active military and military families. [ cheers and applause ♪ please, have a seat. welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome. that's right it's just like our fleet week audience but sober [ laughter ] all kidding aside, i want to say thank you for your service you truly are the bravest. thank you. [ cheers and applause i mean it. i -- the closest most of us have come to a war zone is shopping on black friday at t.j. maxx. [ laughter ] "give that to me it's not even my size. yup, the only people who have seen more combat than you guys are flight attendants on southwest.
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i remember -- i remember telling my dad that i thought a life in uniform might be right for me, so he went out and got me a job application for pizza hut. [ laughter ] sadly, they said "no." [ laughter ] of course, the space force couldn't be here tonight they're busy - [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause they're busy monitoring the galaxy for missiles, aliens and our newest threat, bored billionaires [ laughter ] a lot of restaurants offered special deals today. service members could get a free bloomin' onion at outback. [ cheers ] free pancakes at ihop. [ cheers ] and a free doughnut at krispy kreme [ cheers ] and if you ate all three, we have an ambulance outside standing by. [ laughter and applause >> steve: oh >> jimmy: let's get to the news this postmaster general just said that the u.s. postal service is ready for the holiday package rush
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unfortunately, the holiday they're talking about is july 4th that's right the post office is prepared, meaning they prepared hundreds of signs that say "next window please." [ laughter ] that's right they said they're ready for the rush although, i don't know how i feel about the new slogan, "united states postal service, we can handle your package." [ laughter ] you can't say that >> steve: why would you say that >> jimmy: you can't say that any more [ laughter and applause you can't -- you can't say that - >> questlove: package. >> jimmy: some business news the tuna lawsuit against subway sandwiches is back yeah, and now, they're saying the tuna contains chicken, pork and cattle dna [ audience ews ] even crazier, when they tested subway's chicken and pork, they found it was 100% tuna >> steve: really [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, chicken, pork and cattle dna right now, subway's thinking, "all things considered, not bad. [ laughter ] "they're all meats, right? that's -- subway's like, "what do you want from us? it's fish served with an ice
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cream scoop. come on, what do you want? [ laughter ] it's not like morimoto is sharpening his knives back there, cutting it up [ laughter ] well, i read that the ceo of royal caribbean said that the company is seeing historically strong bookings for cruises next summer. right now, members of the coast guard and navy are looking at each other, it's like, "so you guys going to handle this or should we?" [ laughter ] meanwhile, carnival cruises still hasn't let people off the boats from march 2020. [ laughter and applause not looking good "more tuna." [ laughter ] that's right, royal caribbean said it is expecting a record profits and then the ceo of imodium was like, "same here." [ laughter ] some -- some air -- thank you. some airline -- some airline news the faa has proposed more than $200,000 in fines for ten unruly passengers. yeah and this is nice
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starting today, if you're flying from florida, they ask if you want to pre-pay your fine [ audience aws ] [ laughter ] "hold my -- hold my four loco. that's how i'm --" [ laughter ] get this, i read that a new survey found that 80% of americans use slang words but only half know what the slang terms they use actually mean [ light laughter ] those aren't great numbers, so i thought i would help everyone brush up on their slang definitions with a tiny song [ cheers and applause ♪ acting extra mean over the top still the te means you should ♪ ♪ share the gos receipts are proof if you seem su sus is short ♪ ♪ for suspiciou gucci's cool and flex i showing off ♪ [ laughter ] ♪ curves is when yo ignore a flirty text no cap means for rea we move means yes ♪
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♪ simping is when you like someone but do too much for them ♪ ♪ and simps are almos stans but just not - >> jimmy: dang, sorry. [ laughter ] all right, let me do it one more time. can i do it one more time? all right, go. [ laughter ] yeah, don't waste your time clapping because who knows how many takes i gotta do this [ laughter ] exhausted. >> steve: go wash your hands [ cheers and applause you'll be asleep - you'll be asleep by the time -- yeah, here we go [ light laughter ] >> steve: your hands are numb. >> jimmy: all right, here we go ♪ [ laughter ] >> steve: oh [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, i thought i was having a stroke. i didn't know what was happening. [ laughter ] >> questlove: oh >> jimmy: i had ihop pancakes. i had a krispy kreme [ laughter ] all right, here we go. ♪ acting extra -- no. [ laughter ] sorry, bud ♪ acting extra -- ♪ yeah, there you go all right, here we go. get ready for this [ laughter ] ♪ acting extr
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means over the top spill the te means you should ♪ ♪ share the gos receipts are proof if you seem su sus is short ♪ ♪ for suspiciou gucci's cool and flex i showing off ♪ you don't have to be silent either i mean, you can -- [ laughter ] it's a funeral for god's sake. did someone die? jesus. >> steve: wow. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i was hearing -- i was hearing tapping from - i was hearing tapping for the tenth floor. >> steve: yeah [ laughter ] gosh you said, "don't clap. >> jimmy: i did say, "don't clap." yeah, i -- well, i'm - >> steve: you did what you told them to do >> jimmy: and i was like, "clap. yeah >> steve: --clapping. you didn't say laugh >> jimmy: i could hear someone chewing gum. it was so quiet. [ laughter ] and it was off beat too. that was the worse part. >> steve: what [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right, i'm going to get this now. [ cheers ] [ laughter ]
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♪ acting extra mean over the top still the te means you should ♪ ♪ share the gos receipts are proof if you seem su sus is short ♪ ♪ for suspiciou gucci's cool and flex i showing off ♪ [ cheers ] ♪ curves is when yo ignore a flirty text no cap means for rea we move means yes ♪ ♪ simping is when you like someone but do too much for them ♪ ♪ and simps are almos stans but not quite ye slept on means something deserves more heat ♪ ♪ and if you want to say woo hoo say yeet ♪ ♪ so now you know the slang to dro the next tim that you speak ♪ ♪ these all will be outdated by next week ♪ [ cheers and applause ♪ [ laughter ] thank you. [ laughter ]
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thank you very much for being so patient [ cheers and applause finally, a man in france set a a world record for standing on top of a hot air balloon nearly 12,000 feet in the sky check this out [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: the only thing more dangerous is eating the tuna at subway [ laughter ] when he came back down, he was like, "yeah, still no signal." we have a great show give it up for the roots, ladies and gentlemen [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause welcome, welcome, welcome to our show, everybody. as i mentioned before, today is veterans day and tonight's audience is made up entirely of veterans, active military and their family, their friends. [ cheers and applause
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♪ it is an honor to have you all with us tonight. thank you all for your service to this country and thank you to all of the veterans watching at home and all of our veterans on our staff and crew. [ cheers and applause because -- really. it's because of you and your sacrifices that we get to do what we do every night, so really, thank you very, very much [ cheers and applause oh tonight, we have an amazing show for you she's an 11-time grammy winning music superstar who has sold over 114 million albums worldwide. she's spent more weeks at number one than any other female artist in billboard history. this weekend, she's the musical guest on "saturday night live" and her new album, "red (taylor's version)," is
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available tonight at midnight. taylor swift is here tonight [ cheers and applause >> steve: come on. come on. what >> jimmy: she's unbelievable i can't even compare >> steve: yeah >> jimmy: she's unbelievable she's phenomenal we'll be talking to taylor and then we're going to play "box of lies" later in the show [ audience oohs so stick around for that, yeah plus, you can see him right now in his new stand up show, "the last best hope." colin quinn is here. [ cheers and applause a funny human being right there. >> steve: he's the funniest man on the planet. >> jimmy: i love him and we got great stand-up from jared freid right here >> steve: oh [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: the "u up?" podcast. so stick around. when we come back, i'm playing "box of lies" with taylor swift [ cheers and applause ♪
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[ cheers and applause ♪ >> hello >> jimmy: thank you so much. taylor, get rer played this gam have we? >> we have >> jimmy: no, we've played a a bunch of games, but this one is a new one here we go >> yeah. >> jimmy: now, here's how it works. we have nine mystery boxes containing objects no one has ever seen before on your turn, you pick a box take out the object. describe the object to your opponent, okay and they have to guess if you're lying or telling the truth. we'll play three rounds. i mean, and you know, i'm not that good of an actor so - >> that's ridiculous don't say things like that that's your first lie. [ laughter and applause immediately know >> jimmy: why don't you choose the first box. anyone any number you'd like. >> okay. >> jimmy: oh, number one okay >> big shock >> jimmy: yeah, yeah oh, look at this not that heavy, so that's the first hint all right, here we go, yeah.
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>> oh, my god. >> jimmy: uh-huh [ laughter ] >> where do i put it >> jimmy: you can put it here in the front i won't see it are you going to lie to me, or are you going to tell the truth taylor swift >> i don't have to lie, because i'm very excited to tell you it's a "wizards of waverly place" dvd with a weird ribbon around it that says, "i see corn." >> jimmy: so specific. it sounds like something our writers would do, but then you're delivering it very innocent which makes me think that you're maybe making it up. now you're laughing that i said you're making it up. [ laughter ] >> i could be doing a double bluff. >> jimmy: all right, i'm just going to say it. taylor swift, you are telling the truth. >> i lied! [ buzzer ] >> jimmy: ah come on! [ cheers and applause oh, my god >> i lied. >> jimmy: you lied you did it >> i lied. >> jimmy: oh, my god >> i have a binoculars set with
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corn stuffed in it it's very upsetting. it has baby corn at the top. it's bad [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i'm sorry. >> you should have known i was lying, because i will do anything to bring up selena gomez anything [ laughter and applause >> jimmy: i want to -- it's my turn to pick which number shall i pick? [ audience shouting [ groaning ] >> okay, this is excellent this is really rough what's happening over here okay >> jimmy: okay ♪ [ laughter ] where do i begin [ laughter ] >> it's a good one >> jimmy: yeah >> yeah. >> jimmy: it's a family of pinecones playing "trouble." >> the game? >> jimmy: no, the song >> would be relevant >> jimmy: "i knew you were trouble. it would be relevant
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>> it would be relevant. >> jimmy: that's what i'm feeling. >> i just didn't know if they had the sheet music for it or something. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: just whatever it is, it's odd it's weird, and it's real. or am i lying? >> um, well, maybe you're telling the truth about the pinecone, but maybe ♪ trouble, trouble, trouble ♪ >> okay. [ drumroll ] you tellsthe truth [ audience ohs ] [ buzzer ] >> jimmy: i got you! >> oh, my god! [ cheers and applause ♪ my god >> jimmy: ah [ laughter ] wooo-wooo. that felt good man, i'm exhausted >> that was amazing. you should be. >> jimmy: i don't act. i don't know how to act. >> no, you do. >> jimmy: don't know how to act. >> either that or we're like the worst poker players -- the worst. we should never -- we shouldn't be allowed outside >> jimmy: we really shouldn't be allowed outside >> too gullible. >> jimmy: we're too gullible >> yeah. >> jimmy: you know what? >> i just want to believe. >> jimmy: and i just trust you but here we go this is the last one >> okay. >> jimmy: this is for all the marbles right here
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>> yeah. >> jimmy: taylor, you're up. here we go come on. which one? [ cheers and applause three? all right. i'm not looking. not looking. not looking. not hearing. not listening. we can still make noise so i don't cheat. [ cheers and applause i don't know what's happening. >> okay. ♪ >> i've got in my vision, um, a book [ laughter ] a book called "i'm not loving it, my life under the golden arches," and it looks like it's a biography written by - >> jimmy: ray croft? >> --by a fuzzy monster with, um, steel hands. [ laughter ] um, it say's it's written by grimace. is that -- is that -- is that a spokesperson for something >> jimmy: it's very famous grimace is very, yeah, yeah, yeah you're very young, taylor. but, yes, grimace is giant
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we don't know really what grimace was was he purple and where you are? >> it's actually a black and white cover. it's a very serious book um, inside the book -- you know how you can cut out the pages of a book? >> jimmy: sure, i know that. >> yeah, there's french fries, and a hamburger in here. [ laughter and applause >> jimmy: wow! taylor swift - [ drum roll you tell the truth >> i do. >> jimmy: yes! [ dings [ cheers and applause ♪ >> jimmy: oh, my gosh! taylor swift that was stressful, oh, my gosh i have to take -- i'm taking that home by the way you can take that home >> it smells delicious >> jimmy: you can have that. yeah, you can have that. taylor swift, everybody. i'm talking to taylor more after the break. stick around come on back
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[ cheers and applause ♪ (vo) singing, or speaking. reason,
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>> jimmy: wow! whoa yeah welcome, welcome, welcome back it's so great to see you >> you know what, it's really great to see you too >> jimmy: i miss you, bud. >> i miss you too. >> jimmy: i promise you this time i did not talk to your mom. i'm not going to give any embarrassing videos of you - >> wow >> jimmy: -- like i did last time, yeah no, this is -- >> yeah, we don't let my mom have a phone around me any more >> jimmy: yeah i just want to -- i think you're phenomenal, i just want to just -- to say that >> thank you, i think you're phenomenal >> jimmy: no, but you are just unbelievable [ cheers and applause there's no -- i don't even know if you understand how great you are and how cool you are and how phenomenal you are but i mean like -- >> well, can i interrupt and say it's really phenomenal to be in the presence of men and women who have served our country, so thank you. [ cheers and applause
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>> jimmy: it's kind of perfect they're amazing. >> they're amazing we don't -- we've never done that, and you're amazing >> jimmy: yeah and it's almost midnight, "red (taylor's version)" will be out very soon, like in a matter of minutes. [ cheers and applause can you believe? >> i'm really -- i'm really, really excited about it. i've been going through the process of re-recording all of my older music and what i'm really excited about is these songs that no one's ever heard before that were supposed to be on that album, and i've got artists like chris stapleton and phoebe bridgers featured on them, so >> jimmy: i mean, come on! [ cheers and applause what song are you most excited for the fans to hear >> thank you for asking, i'll tell you [ laughter ] go on. the one that i am the most excited about is a song called "all too well in parentheses (the 10 minute version). >> jimmy: yeah, the 10 minute version. >> so -- >> jimmy: explain this >> -- i will [ laughter ]
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basically, and the way that this song was written was -- i was going through a bit of a a sad time and i was 22. and i was in band rehearsals, and i think i was 21 or whatever, and i was in band rehearsals for a tour that i was about to go out on called "speak now" tour, and i showed up for rehearsals and i just was really upset and sad and everybody could tell, it was really, like, not fun to be around me that day and so i started playing guitar and i just started kind of -- the band sort of joined in, and feeling, and it went on, and the song kept building and building and building in intensity, and the song just went on for about, you know, 10 to 15 minutes of us doing this and then we got done with that and then we moved on to the regularly scheduled rehearsal. and at the end of the day, my mom came up to my sound guy and
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she's like, "is there any chance that you recorded that? >> jimmy: yeah >> and he was like, "yep," and handed her a cd. the ten-minute version of all too well is what was originally written for the song before i had to cut it down to a normal length song. 'cause that's -- you know. >> jimmy: yeah, in case it gets played on the radio or whatever ten minutes is long >> 'cause the ten minutes is absurd. that's an absurd length of time for a song to be - >> jimmy: it's like "american pie," yeah, it's - >> who thinks that they can put out a ten minute song. >> jimmy: we want a ten minute song from you. we want this from you. >> well, thanks, and that's what you'll get, and that's the thing i'm the most excited about, 'cause it's the original lyrics [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: i got to see "all too well," the short film, earlier today, thank you for showing it me >> oh, you're so welcome >> jimmy: it is amazing, by the way. you wrote this, you directed this >> yeah! >> jimmy: and this will be released on youtube tomorrow at 7:00 p.m. eastern. it -- sadie sink, by the way >> oh, my god. >> jimmy: no, i love her i was fan from "stranger things," i go -- >> i feel like people -- like, we've got to explain what's
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going on, like everybody's so busy and i feel like i should just tell you, like i wrote and directed a short film based on the premise of the song "all too well." so i cast sadie sink and dylan o'brien, who are incredible actors -- >> jimmy: yes. >> -- in this short film, and they could not have blown me away more. it was the most unbelievable experience working with people who are that prepared, committed. just the chemistry between them is really on another planet. >> jimmy: and there's going to be a film premiere for this? >> yes, actually, and i haven't actually told people that yet, but i'm so excited it's going to be at the -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: sorry about that >> no, it's great! i'm so, so sorry >> it's great! no, it's good. this is a great place to announce it. >> jimmy: okay, perfect, yeah, sorry, yes, yes. >> this is cool. it's at the amc 13 theater in lincoln square in new york tomorrow afternoon [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: yeah that's what i'm talking about buddy. how fun will that be >> i mean, i hope fun. >> jimmy: yeah, it'll be great >> i hope it'll be fun >> jimmy: more with taylor swift when we come back, everybody. we're going to talk more
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[ cheers and applause ♪ okay davey. good game. you gonna be on tonight? yeah, definitely. cool, see ya later. pass it! pass it! yeah!!! you wanna play one more after this? yeah! one more! got him! yeah!!! hahahaha ha! hah- ha! oi! keep it down! no! you keep it down! sorry, neighbors. i can't stand mine either. we make sit-down chicken... ...stand-up chicken... backyard chicken... ...oops chicken... ...lots-a-time chicken... chicken. if there's one thing we know, it's chicken, chicken and chicken. more choices. more wow. more to love. tyson. for the kids. -bye. -hey, give it back! that's mine.w.
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will you stop? get off my bed. hey, hey, hey. guys, guys. come on. i wish i had my own room. wake up! presents! where's dad? check the office. oh, my gosh. i love it! i love it! i love it! (laughter) -we get our own rooms? -uh-huh. ♪♪ this flag isn't backwards. it's facing this way because it's moving forward. ♪♪ just like the men and women who wear it on their uniforms and the country it represents. they're all only meant to move one direction which is why we fly it this way
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♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: yes! welcome back, taylor swift is here come on! [ cheers and applause "red" is out right now, actually, essentially is coming out right now while this airing >> i think it's out. >> jimmy: your fans are amazing fans, i will say that. i know you said it earlier they're obviously so excited you're here on our show so we're getting a lot of buzz from your fans and they were like, "wait, what are they going to talk about what's going on? i heard this this is ten seconds long." there's easter eggs that maybe aren't even really easter eggs
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>> yeah, it's sort of a tradition that we started a very long time ago i think, the first time i started dropping sort of cryptic clues and things in my music is when i was 14 and 15 putting together my first album. and i wanted to put -- i wanted to do something that incentivized fans to read the lyrics because my lyrics are what i'm most proud of out of everything that i do, every aspect of my job so i really wanted people to read the lyrics and so i wanted to incentivise them so in my lyrics, for my first, you know, several albums i would have all lower case letter lyrics, except for capital letter, capital letter, capital letter, every once in a while. and if they circled the capital letter, and wrote it down, it spelled out a secret code, a a secret passage it sort of - >> jimmy: so fun >> jimmy: it was really -- it was really fun, it would either tell them a story about the album or hint about what the song was about and so that's when it started.
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but when it got out of control was -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah >> was when i started to realize it wasn't just me that had fun with this, that they had fun with it too. >> jimmy: oh yeah. >> and i should never have learned that, because then i couldn't stop. and then all i started thinking of was how do i hint at things, like, how far is too far in advance? can i hint at something three years in advance can i even plan things out that far? i think i'm going to try to do it >> i think it is perfectly reasonable for people to be normal music fans and to have a normal relationship to music but if you want to go down a a rabbit hole with us, come along -- >> jimmy: taylor is your person - >> the water's great >> jimmy: yeah, the waters fine >> jump in >> jimmy: yeah >> we're all mad here. >> jimmy: exactly right. [ applause ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: also, with all to well with the short film, i noticed -- i noticed a ton of easter eggs in this. >> oh, it's ridiculous how many there are. >> jimmy: woo! it's so good, i'm like, "that's a thing. that's another thing i want to watch this, like, 30 times." i'm like -
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>> that you -- >> jimmy: i'm geeking out. >> thank you >> jimmy: i'm a uber fan yeah >> that's so awesome >> jimmy: my daughters are so into it too, which is like the best i'm like, "yeah. oh, they love you so much. my little daughter, she goes, "dad, i have a special talent, i can tell whenever it's a a taylor song. [ gasps and i go, "you can?" but she doesn't realize that's all we play. >> oh, my god. [ laughter ] that's so amazing, please, tell her i said thank you >> jimmy: she loves you. >> so wonderful. >> jimmy: this is a giant week, you have "red," right? taylor's version, coming out you have "all too well," a a short film coming out. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you're performing on "saturday night live." >> yeah. >> jimmy: this saturday. >> this saturday >> jimmy: what two songs - can we hint to what songs you're performing? >> i love to hint. which two songs? what if it was not two songs as much as it was one song that is the length of three songs? [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] >> jimmy: i think i know exactly what you mean by this. [ laughter ]
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[ applause ] i got it i got it i know exactly - i know all too well what you mean, betty. taylor swift, everyone [ cheers and applause taylor is performing on "saturday night live" this "red (taylor's version)", is officially out now [ cheers and applause more "tonight show" after the break. come on back, everybody. stick around [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪i put in the work all day i put in the work all day♪ ♪them man are doing this thing part time♪ ♪no i'm doing this thing all day♪ ♪i put in the work all day i put in the work all day♪ ♪look, no i don't care what you think or say♪ ♪i put in the work all day♪ ♪ ♪
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so thoughtful.
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♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: my next guest is a a very funny writer and comedian who has a new show called "the last best hope," which is running here in new york through november 20th
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at the lucille lortel theatre. please welcome colin quinn [ cheers and applause ♪ thank you for being here it's always -- >> they played -- that was "stairway to heaven. >> jimmy: yeah >> not the led zeppelin one. >> jimmy: no >> the other one >> jimmy: yeah >> yeah, it's good to be here, but thank you for -- >> jimmy: you seem like you're in a bad mood. >> i am in a bad mood. sorry, i am in a bad mood. >> jimmy: why? >> because you bring me out after taylor swift and like all of the excitement, the biggest -- one of the biggest stars, and then, it's deliberately to sabotage and i come out here. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i'm not doing this to sabotage you - >> i come out in a corduroy shirt. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i could hear you walking out before you even came [ laughter ]
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>> jimmy: i'm actually so happy that you're here and i want to talk to you about "the last best hope," and i want to talk about, just in general, i saw somewhere that - [ laughter ] you're in such a bad mood. you're such a punk you're such a punk, man. >> you were holding it - you were holding it sarcastically. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i wasn't holding it sarcastically. >> i'll hold it. >> jimmy: i was holding in reverence. >> i'll hold it. >> jimmy: oh, gosh all right. i wanted to ask you a thing, because i think this is a compliment for you a lot of teachers -- >> oh yeah >> jimmy: they're are asking you for your last special to be put online because they want to teach it to their -- they're teaching it to their students. >> actually, they're not asking me, they just -- they just use it nobody's paying for it [ laughter ] no money, no credit, just use it at their classes. i am grateful for it, i know it sounds like i'm not. [ laughter ] because i consider myself, i was always in that role with jimmy, at "snl." i was really a mentor and a teacher to you [ laughter ]
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you were just a young, wet behind the ears boy, and i told you, i'm the reason you have this show. remember what i said - >> jimmy: what is going on - [ laughter ] >> and i remember telling you early on, i said, "when you leave the show, do a couple of unwatchable movies [ laughter ] then go into talk show - [ laughter and applause what did i say hey, come on oh >> jimmy: which one was unwatchable? [ laughter ] but this is -- look at this. you're doing material that is going to go in the educational system >> i know, and it's good >> jimmy: what kind of changes would you make, if you were a teacher, what would you say to these kids? what do they have to learn >> well, here's the problem, is our education system we teach, what, study hard, bear down, you'll be a success in life. >> jimmy: yeah >> that's not our system we're a sales country. we should be teaching kids that the person who studies hard that goes to work and just works and doesn't talk to anybody, they go, "they're the office psycho. [ laughter ]
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teach personality. kids should be taught first day of preschool, everyone has social anxiety teach your kids to walk in and memorize, like, just walk in first day of preschool and be like, "is it me or is this bus driver a little off? something like that. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause teach them how to work the crowd. that's who does well in our country. >> jimmy: yeah >> the people who walk in and be like, "this kid knows what we're talking about. the kid does't even know - like, "you get it. you get it." just bond. "like the other kids, i don't know if they get it, but you get it, you know we need more kids like you in this class, i'll be honest it's not a lot of us left. it's a personality country >> jimmy: yeah, it is. [ cheers and applause ♪ >> jimmy: yo sit down [ cheers and applause you're holding - [ cheers and applause you're holding it sarcastically.
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chris, chris how can i -- >> jimmy: chris, how can i help you? >> i just came to see taylor swift, jimmy. >> jimmy: no, you missed taylor swift >> i did all military people? [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: yes, these are all military >> yes yes. >> 25 percent got fake vaccines [ laughter ] >> jimmy: chris, good to see you. you missed taylor. i'll send you a link i'll send you a link chris rock everybody [ cheers and applause ♪ >> oh, that's great, jimmy, nice that was accidental too? [ laughter ] hey, let's bring out harry styles and olivia wilde. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: colin, when i talk about "the last best hope," you're going to go on the road with this. you're going to travel - >> yes, i am >> jimmy: -- around the country. >> oh, sure i am >> jimmy: yeah but this is -- can i ask you about this though? "the last best hope," who is the "the last best hope" >> well, it's a quote from lincoln about the country being the last best hope
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but in this case it's colin quinn, "the last best hope." [ laughter and applause >> jimmy: colin quinn! "the last best hope" is running now through november 20th, here in new york and then heading to cities across the u.s. for tickets, go to we'll be right back with stand up from jared freid! [ cheers and applause ♪
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[ cheers and applause ♪ >> jimmy: our next guest is the co-host of the "u up?" podcast available at apple podcast
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making his "tonight show" debut, please welcome the very funny, jared freid [ cheers and applause ♪ >> how we doing everybody! we good? [ cheers and applause i do a lot of shows. i perform for the troops, and those shows are always the best [ cheers and applause the best i also perform at colleges, those shows are always weird [ laughter ] i was at a college once. i came on stage, my first words out of my mouth i said, "i love doing shows for college kids." this guy stands up in the corner he goes, "we're not kids we're adults!" [ laughter ] i look at him, i go, "one question who bought your underwear? [ laughter and applause
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i'll never forget it he goes, "go on with the show. [ laughter ] i get that i thought i was an adult in college. i definitely was not i used to wear one polo shirt with another polo shirt over it yeah, and then pop up both of the collars. [ cheers and applause that's not how an adult dresses! there's no adult walking around like an aggressive tulip [ laughter ] my girlfriend, she would wear two polos too. two people, four polos [ laughter and applause when we hooked up it looked like a brooks brother's fitting room [ laughter ] you're not an adult in college one semester i lived with three of my friends in one room. we called it bunkzilla no man lives in a bunkzilla. [ laughter ] if a man lives guys three other men, that's not a home, that's a shelter. [ laughter ]
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and no woman here would go home to bunkzilla tonight that's the difference in college, they would. one night we all brought women home [ laughter ] that's right one room four beds. eight people 16 polos [ laughter and applause i don't know i think people don't like college students because they speak confidently on things we know they can't be confident about yet. like the two stories are always written that they're outraged or they're shamed. i didn't know outrage in college. i learned about outrage the first time i saw the taxes come out of a paycheck. [ laughter ] right? that weird moment where you're like, "i don't even use roads. [ laughter ] i learned shame the first time i laughed at a boss's joke
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you wouldn't do that in front of your child. be like, "turn around timmy, daddy's got to pay rent ha, ha, ha." [ laughter ] "you're right. monday's are weird." i don't even know what an adult is any more. i'm 36 i'm doing stuff i thought i would have grown up out of years ago every time i fly somewhere, i text my parents, "landed." [ laughter and applause you ever read that text back to yourself you don't sound like a man "landed. you sound like a spoiled prince "mommy, put my jammies in the dryer. i prefer them warm with my milk and cookies. tell papa i'll be taking story time in my quarters. the prince of needham has landed." [ laughter and applause i love going home for the
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holidays i like seeing my family. i like seeing where all my insecurities came from [ light laughter ] right? if you're family has a problem, you probably have a very similar problem. my familly -- the whole family is insecure. food, body, weight that's our whole family. i walked in the house one day, my mom looks at me, she goes, "you look so skinny. my dad's across the room, he yells out, he goes, "he's wearing all black. [ laughter ] i was like, "is my inner monologue playing on the alexa? [ laughter ] i talk about my weight on stage a lot. some people get very uncomfortable. i had a woman she stood up once, she goes, "you're not fat. that's the worst thing you could ever yell at someone who's not skinny [ laughter ] because then the show becomes a town hall meeting on whether i'm fat or not someone stood up, "there, like, he's jolly though. [ laughter ] another person was like, "can men be curvy?" [ laughter ]
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someone in the middle was like, "there's led in the water. i'm like, "you're at the wrong meeting, bro." [ laughter and applause i just want to get in shape enough to take a vacation to tulum, mexico. if you know, tulum, that's where all of the celebrities and influencers go i've never seen someone there with a bad body. i think they weigh you at the mexican border [ laughter ] like, i think i would get to mexico, they'd be like, "hola. step on the scale. i'd step on, they'd look down, they'd be like, "well have fun in cancun. [ laughter and applause i'm jared freid. thank you guys very much [ cheers and applause ♪ >> jimmy: jared freid! [ cheers and applause the "u up?" podcast is available on apple podcast my thanks to taylor swift, colin quinn, jared freid, once
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again. [ cheers and applause and the roots right there from philadelphia, pennsylvania [ cheers and applause thank you for watching stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers. good night, everybody. [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers. tonight -- taylor swift from "home sweet home alone," actress aisling bea, an all new "closer look," featuring the 8g band with elmo lovano. [ cheers and applause and now, seth meyers >> seth: good evening. i'm seth meyers. this is "late night. we hope you're doing well tonight. and now, we are going to get to the news president biden is set on monday to sign the bipartisan infrastructure bill into law provided they can get


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