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tv   KPIX 5 News at 11pm  CBS  April 10, 2013 11:00pm-11:35pm PDT

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oh, right, the new job. how is it? i love it. new office new salary. i'm the new wilhelm. so who's the new you? they got an intern from francis lewis high. his name is keith. he comes in mondays after school. hi, alex. i'm sorry i'm late. have you ordered yet? no. i'll be right back. where are you meeting these women? when they get off the bus at the port authority? right here, george. in here. try opening this up. you'll find the biggest dating scene in the world. thanks. thanks a lot. ahem. [coins jingle] [door opening] hey. hey. hi. where's jerry? he's in the shower. you want me to get him? no, no, no. um... actually i kind of need to speak to you. oh. uh... well, let's sit down.
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kramer--ahem-- remember that whole deal with you selling peterman your stories for his book and then he gave them back to you? vaguely. well, um--ahem-- i was kind of--ha ha-- short on material, and, uh, i put them in the book anyway. you put my life stories in his autobiography? kramer, listen it is such a stupid book. it doesn't matter. oh, no. sure it matters. wow. i've broken through, huh? i'm part of popular culture now. listen, i have to thank mr. peterman. he's doing a book signing at waldenbooks this afternoon. waldenbooks? that's a major chain huh? [water running] hey, jerry! i'm going to waldenbooks! aah! get out! get out! i don't want to live like this! [closes door] all right. let's go. elaine: mr. lippman! how are you? well, i'm not bad. not bad.
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what are you doing here? i work for pundit publishing. this is our book. oh. if you can call it that. why is it every half-wit and sitcom star has his own book out now? hey, buddy. remember me? you're that gangly fellow we bought the stories from. yeah. i'm just here to do my part. what's your name darling? who are you? well, i'm, uh-- lend us your pen will you? i'm the real peterman. all right. playtime's over. relax, man. there's enough juice here to keep us all fat and giggly. i can't believe somebody pulled the top off this muffin. that was me. i'm sorry. i... i don't like the stumps. so you just eat the tops? oh, yeah. it's the best part. it's crunchy it's explosive it's... it's where the muffin breaks free of the pan and sort of... does its own thing.
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i'll tell you, that's a million-dollar idea right there. just sell the tops. ok. let's go, slim. that's enough. i have a right to be here. these are my fans. hey, you're hurting my elbow! try looking up hayseed. you want to sightsee... get on a bus. woman: please don't think all new yorkers are so rude. oh, no. actually, i'm, uh-- i'm mary anne. i work for the new york visitors center. where are you visiting from? little rock, arkansas. ooh! [humming] hmm. that looks new. kramer: so get this: peterman has his henchmen forcefully eject me from the book signing... like i'm some sort of maniac!
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yeah. that--that's too bad. what's the matter with you? nothing. don't give me that. i know you. something's wrong. what is it? what happened? i did something stupid. what did you do? well, i was shaving, and i noticed an asymmetry in my chest hair. and i was trying to even it out. and the next thing i knew... [baby voice] gone. don't you know you're not supposed to poke around down there? well, women do it! "well, women do it!" well i'll tell you what. i'll pick you up a sundress and a parasol and you can just sashay your pretty little self around the town square! well, what am i going to tell alex? you don't tell anybody about this. no one. you hear me? mm-hmm. [door opens] hey. hey. jerry shaved his chest. hey! i forgot. wait. never mind. how about the beach this weekend? uh, well, you couldn't pay me enough to go to the beach on a weekend. i mean, it's hard enough to park-- all right, all right.
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wow! is that a mexican hairless? i love those. ohh! hairless. this is where it's at. it's so much smoother and cleaner. really? "top of the muffin to you"? [bell tinkles] top of the muffin to you-- elaine! mr. lippman? jerry: so you're pretending to be a tourist? it's beautiful. she makes all the plans. i'm not from around here so it's ok if i'm stupid... and she knows i'm only in town visiting, so there's no messy breakups. how do you explain your apartment? i got a hotel room. you moved into a hotel? well, i don't know anyone here, jerry. where else am i going to stay? so get this: we're in the park today, alex goes wild for this hairless dog. so? so i figured since she likes one hairless animal, why not another?
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oh, really? yes. you tell her you shaved it? are you nuts? i don't want her to think i'm one of those low-rise briefs guys who shaves his chest. [horn honking] hey, jerry! i'm starting a peterman reality bus tour! the last thing this guy's qualified to give a tour of is reality. this was my idea. you stole my idea. elaine, these ideas are all in the air. they're in the air. oh, well, then if that air is coming out of this face then it is my air and my idea! do you want a muffin or not? peach. so i've noticed you don't have much of an accent. yeah. my parents have it. sometimes it skips a generation. hmm. look, george... i'm really enjoying spending time with you but i'm not sure this is going to work out. at some point, you're going back to your job at tyler chicken
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and your 3-legged dog willie. willie. yeah. and i'm still going to be here. well, what if i told you i'm thinking of moving here. george, no offense... but this city would eat you alive. is it wrong to buy an entire outfit to match your mani-pedi? shop like a fashionista. not if you find something amazing for less than the price of it. save like a maxxinista. designer brands at t.j. prices. t.j.maxx. need a good reason to change shampoo? i'll give you 5. l'oréal creates total repair 5 with ceramide. it fights 5 of the top hair problems. it targets weak, limp, lifeless, dull and straw-like hair. my hair feels stronger with a healthy shine. l'oréal's new total repair 5. marjorie, i can't stand you. you're too perfect. even the inside of your dishwasher sparkles. okay. so i'm the bad guy for being clean. you said
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you're moving to new york? that's fantastic! i can see you all the time now. eat me alive, huh? we'll see who can make it in this town. what is it she thinks you can't do? find a job get an apartment... how did you do those things? never mind. they're done. all i have to do now is redo 'em. you know, if you take everything i've accomplished in my entire life and condense it down into one day it looks decent. hey, what were you doing with that bus yesterday? here you go. here you go.
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check it out. [glok] "the real peterman reality bus tour." i'm confused. that peterman book is big business. people want to know the stories behind the stories. nobody wants to go on a 3-hour bus tour of a totally unknown person's life. i'm only charging 37.50, plus you get a pizza bagel and dessert. what's dessert? bite-size three musketeers... just like the real peterman eats. he eats those? no. i eat those. i'm the real peterman. i--i don't-- wait a minute. i think i understand this. j. peterman is real. his biography is not. now, you, kramer are real. talk to me. but your life is peterman's. now, the bus tour, which is real, takes you to places that while they are real, they are not real in the sense that they did not really happen to the real peterman which is you. understand? yeah. it's 37.50 for a three musketeers.
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elaine, i'm in over my head. nobody likes my muffin tops. so? what do you want me to do about it? you're the muffin top expert. tell me, uh, what i'm doing wrong. mr. lippman, when i worked for you at pendant publishing, i believed in you, you know, as a man of integrity. but when i saw you in that paper hat and that apron-- what if i cut you in for 30% of the profits? deal. here's your problem... you're making just the muffin tops. what do you mean? you gotta make the whole muffin. then you... pop the top, toss the stump. taste. hmm? uh-huh. uh-huh? yeah. so what do we do with the bottoms? i don't know. give 'em to a soup kitchen. it's a good idea. and one more thing-- do you really think we need the exclamation point? because it's not top of the muffin to you!
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no, no. it is. [door closes] hey, jerry... what's this? lady gillette? oh, what's going on? hey... what? can't i get a moment's peace? what are you doing to yourself? i can't stop. alex thinks i'm naturally hairless. what? you can't keep this up. don't you know what's going to happen? every time you shave it, it's going to come in thicker and fuller and darker. oh, that's an old wives' tale. is it? look at this. what is-- what is that? [screaming] look at it! look at it! it's all me. i shaved there when i was a lifeguard. oh, come on. that's genetic. that's not gonna happen to me. won't it? or has it already happen?
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wow. look at this. we're cleaning up. oh, ruben, get me another tray of low-fat cranberry, please. ha ha ha ha... excuse me. i'm rebecca demornay from the homeless shelter. ohh. hi. are you the ones leaving those muffin pieces behind our shelter? you've been enjoying them? they're just stumps. well, they're-- they're perfectly edible. oh, so you just assumed that the homeless will eat them, they'll eat anything? no, no. we just thought-- i know what you thought-- they don't have homes. they don't have jobs. what do they need the top of a muffin for? they're lucky to get the stumps. if the homeless don't like them, the homeless don't have to eat them. the homeless don't like them. we've never gotten so many complaints. every 2 minutes-- "where's the top of this muffin? who ate the rest of this?" we were just trying to help. why don't you just drop off some chicken skins and lobster shells? i think i might! i can't believe you found something so quickly. how much are you paying? 2,300. ouch. a month? yeah. well...i guess that's all right for now, but if you stay here more than a few months
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you're a real sucker. yeah, well, i, uh, i got lots of other stuff to show you, too. wait'll you see the plum job that i landed, huh? yeah. we should let this place air out anyway. it smells like the last tenant had monkeys or something. ok, coming up on the right if you glance up you'll just make out my bedroom window. it's the one that's covered in chicken wire. hey, if you're the real peterman, how come you're wearing those ratty clothes? what? well, th-they're not very romantic. well, that's your opinion. who cares? hey, fake peterman let me off. i-i'm nauseous. can i have his candy bar? aah! everyone just settle down. ok, we got 3 hours left on this thing and i can't drive and argue with you rubes all at the same time! ok, uh, lomez's place of worship is right on the right here. why do i have to go on the tour?
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jerry, you're a minor celebrity. you know, if you go on this thing, it could create a minor stir. come on, you can bring that little girlfriend of yours and i'll only charge you 60 bucks. hey. hey. how's business? oh, i got stump trouble. the sanitation department won't get rid of them all. i can't get a truck to haul this stuff until next week. meanwhile, i'm sittin' on a mountain of stumps. all right... i got to hose the puke off the floor of the bus. bus? wait--wait a minute. bus? you got a bus? yeah. yeah. you got any room on that thing? yeah, there are a few seats still available. do you think you could transport some stumps for me? i-i'll make it worth your while. well, it they don't mind sitting in the back. no, they don't. are they war veterans? wow! this is your office? oh, hello. sorry, george, didn't know you had a girl in here. leave a signal on the doorknob, like a necktie or a sock or something.
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come on, help me out. mr. steinbrenner i would like to thank you for taking a chance on a hen supervisor at tyler chicken like our boy george here. hen supervisor from tyler chicken? yes. very nice for her to have met you, sir. wait a minute, george. be right with you. look, mr. steinbrenner-- moonlighting for tyler chicken? pretty impressive, george. days with the new york yankees and nights in arkansas with a top-flight bird outfit. and a hen supervisor to boot! i am blown. blown away. blown, george. bl-l-ow-ow-ow-own! you know, when you make a pizza bagel you really shouldn't use cinnamon raisin. you also shouldn't use a doughnut. [banjo plays] all right, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the peterman reality tour. turn music off. can we just go? and go we will. what is this pizza pound cake?
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well, we have a bonus, ultra-reality stop today. we're gonna be hauling muffin stumps to the local...repository. we're going to a garbage dump? and we're off. [banjo plays] you know i never thought he'd be able to recreate the experience of actually knowing him, but this is pretty close. [gears grinding] don tyler? george steinbrenner here. i want to talk about george costanza. i understand he's been dividing his time between us and you. i cannot have that. well, i don't know who he is, but if you want him that bad, i'm not givin' him up that easy. oh, that so? playing a little hardball, huh, donnie boy? how about this-- you give me costanza i convert your concessions to all chicken, no charge. instead of hot dogs, chicken dogs. instead of pretzels, chicken twists. instead of beer, alcoholic chicken. how do you make that alcoholic chicken? ah, let it ferment just like anything else. that stuff sounds great. all right. i'll have costanza on the next bus. hey, hey hey, hey, hey...
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where do you think you're going? well, i was going to dump this. it doesn't look like garbage. well it's muffin stumps. where are the muffin tops? this is a garbage dump. just let me dump it. can't do it. is this a joke? that's what i like to know about it. you have a pretty heavy beard, don't you? what's that? well, look. it's almost time for you to shave again. oh. yeah. well, maybe i will take it up with consumer affairs! well, heh, ladies and gentlemen you're in for an additional treat. we're going to extend the tour at no extra charge. where we going? i don't know. uh, no more questions. [banjo plays]
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[honk] so the new york yankees traded you for a bunch of tyler chicken? dogs, twists... some kind of fermented chicken drink... hey... aren't you the guy i asked to watch my clothes? what clothes? these clothes, the ones you're wearing. kramer how much longer? my chest hair's growing back and it's itching me like crazy. i can't let her see me scratch it. well, don't worry. i--i got a good feeling about this dump. i tell you, man, i'm losing it. i can't sit on this bus anymore. [barking] i think i'll go play with that dog.
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i don't know where the tops are! jerry! what's the matter? ahh... awoooo... ooh, that feels good.
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r[ [ female announcer ] before allegra, allergies held scott back. children's allegra -- effective, long-lasting non-drowsy relief of their toughest symptoms. after allegra, kids can stop suffering and start living. you lookin' for george? yes. he's been in the bathroom awhile. you might want to check on him. jerry, you gotta bring me some clothes down here. i lost my job with the yankees. i'm standing in a men's room on 43rd street in my underpants. i told you this city would eat you alive. so...what is this guy again? they call him a cleaner. he makes problems go away. hello, elaine. where are they? in the back. all right. i'm going to need a clean 8-ounce glass. what is going on here? if i'm curt... then i apologize.
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but as i understand it we have a situation here and time is of the essence. captioning made possible by columbia tristar domestic television captioned by the national captioning institute public performance of captions prohibited without permission of national captioning institute r[
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longer he stayed there the more it was like he had never left minnesota.
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eriksen residence, marshall speaking. (laughs) oh, that is too cute. say it again. no. it's called manners, jerk. now, what's-what's going on in new york? give me something. there is one thing that's been going on. uh, it's about ted... and zoey. narrator: kids, as you remember, zoey and i met because she was trying to save an old building from being torn down and replaced by a new building that i'd been hired to design. and yet somehow, despite this, we had all managed to become friends. which brings us to the night aunt robin decided to cook dinner. i thought the oven was celsius. it's okay. we got hot dogs. yeah, and it's not like you can screw up a hot dog. oh, god. this is so good. i'm gonna finish it in the bathroom. could someone pass the ketchup? i hope i can pass this hot dog. oh. (glass shatters)
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oops. well, looks like someone's going out in the cold to get more ketchup. oh, come on, man i brought the wine. which is all gone. oops. (sighs) all right, i tell you what-- you get this one bottle, i'll get the next three. hmm, tell you what-- no dice. i'll get the next hundred. you're not getting out of this. you want to go on a date with my hot cousin? i'll get the ketchup. robin, i just want you to know it's either this story you're telling me or another game of clue against myself so make it good. oh, it's good. you see, after that night, none of us heard from zoey for a while. finally, ted called her up. hello. so are we ever gonna see you again? because, if i recall correctly you owe me a date with your hot cousin. you still want to do that? yes. and we miss you. but the cousin thing mostly. let's get that going. don't worry, ted, she's cute. (barney coughing) "cute" means "fat." she's not fat.
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(coughing): "not fat" means "ugly." oh, here she is. (coughing): i take back everything i said. that girl is extremely attractive. hey, zoey. hey. ted, this is my cousin... narrator: kids, to be honest i don't quite remember this girl's name. none of us do, because as this story has been told and retold we've always just referred to her as... honey. hi, honey, i'm ted. and here's why. she is a lovely person-- warm, intelligent, just kind of gullible. it's like, every word out of her mouth makes you want to be like, "oh, honey." interesting. show your work. my apartment building is so safe. my landlord-- he even installed a security camera in my shower. oh, honey. maybe i should feel weird about giving a stranger my social security number, but the guy's a nigerian prince. oh, honey.
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i just had a great tv audition. behind the kfc where the executive producer works on the weekends. oh, honey. i know. you just want to wrap her up in a blanket and give her a cup of tea. she's, like, this little lost lamb who needs to be protected from the wolves. speaking of whom... yeah, i always get those e-mails from michelle obama and sometimes obama himself. oh, honey. robin: so the night went on and eventually everyone went home except for ted and honey. wow, an architect. how fascinating. why do they call 'em coasters? and barney. okay, time to go home. ted, a word. god, i hate these situations. what are we gonna do about this? what are you talking about? come on, ted, it's obvious.
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honey's vibing on me. what? it's called body language. remember when she was touching your arm and leaning in real close? mm-hmm. well, while that was happening the straw in her drink was pointed right at me. i mean... that's as clear as a signal gets so... i'm so sorry, man. you're right. she's all yours, buddy. i'd say hump her brains out, but someone obviously already has. robin: good for you. ted mosby does not take advantage of poor, helpless honeys. yeah, actually there's another reason that i didn't go home with her. hmm? he's gay! mom, hang up! i'm sorry. (scoffs) go on. yeah, actually there's another reason that i didn't go home with her. hmm? i'm in love with zoey.
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oh, my god. oh, my god! mom! sorry.
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ted's in love with zoey? but, but she's married. that boy needs an intervention. funny you should say that. does anyone know why we're here? lily: yeah, who called this intervention? i did. it's for me. this is about the coffee breath. finally. it's because i'm in love with zoey, and she's married, so it needs to stop.


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