tv KPIX 5 News at 11pm CBS April 11, 2013 11:00pm-11:35pm PDT
who's that? that's sam the new girl in accounting. what's with her arms? they just hang like salamis. she walks like an orangutan. better call the zoo. meow. what? hiss. catty. elaine: it's like she's carrying invisible suitcases. like this? yes, exactly. that is so strange. right. so why am i the one who gets meowed? they were being just as catty as i was. it's a double standard. oh, and what about ladies night? women admitted free before 10:00. that is so stupid. meow. hey, the white shadow is on. boy, you're really packing it all in. hey, jerry, my vacation has just started. i need a day or two to decompress. besides, i did plenty today. like what? bought a new recliner with a fridge built right into it. hey, jerry you got any tums? stomach ache?
i drank too much water in the shower. ah. top of the fridge. hey, george, i'm taking that waitress to the tonys. shadow. oh, the tonys? i'll see you there buddy. you're going to the tonys, too? yeah, roger that. where are you sitting? well, all over the place. yeah, i'm a seat filler. they don't like to see empty seats on tv, so somebody gets up, i just park my caboose in their spot till they get back. how did you get that job? mickey, he hooked me up. he's a member of the academy. what academy? well, he didn't say. [knock on door] hi. nice tuxedo. thanks. it's a breakaway. shall we go? absolutely. lyle, we're going! all right. jerry, this is lyle. hey. how ya doing? ok. we're off. mmm. have a good time. thanks... lyle.
are you leaving? 'cause i got you covered. i'll just go ahead and get in here. just a... what are you doing? my job. what are you doing? you know, if they catch the two of us on tv, you might have a little explaining to do. so you and lyle are roommates? no. gay? what? is he gay? no. are you sure? i think i would know. well, this is a new one. turkey jerky? go ahead. take a pull. more for me. [gasps] presenter: and the tony for best musical is awarded to...
scarsdale surprise. lewis maxtone-grahm, douglas ewing, benjamin herndon and polly kennedy, producers. kramer? thank you, and bless you all. this truly has been a scarsdale surprise. elaine, am i crazy? i just get the feeling that dugan and the others are making fun of me all the time. well, you might want to think about, uh maybe, um... moving your arms a little when you walk. my arms? you know sort of swing 'em, so you're not lurching around, you know
like a caveman. i'm a caveman? no, no, no, no. it's just that-- everyone told me what a catty shrew you were. you're horrible. george: she had a dude? yeah. when i went to pick her up there was this dude. how do you know it was her dude? well, you think it could have been just some dude? sure. dudes in this town are a dime a dozen. i reckon. or maybe she just wanted to go to the tonys. i tell you what, you ask her out again. no tony, just jerry. that way, you'll know if the dude is her dude or just some dude. dude! yeah. all right, that's enough. i gotta go home and take a nap. it's 10:30 in the morning. what can i tell you? i'm wiped. so has the summer of george begun, or are you still decomposing? decompressing. ohh, well, good morning, gentlemen, and tony says hello to you. you didn't give that thing back? jerry, it was a whirlwind. they whisked us backstage,
the media is swarming, champagne is flowing. whoo! i can't describe how great it is to win. that's because you didn't win. scarsdale surprise. that's the musical about the scarsdale diet doctor murder. featuring the mind-blowing performance of ms. raquel welch. you haven't even seen it. ah, jerry, i'm not gonna let you bring me down off this high. i've been partying all night. i saw the sunrise at liza's. minnelli's? no. sam, listen, i'm so sorry about the other day. no, don't apologize, elaine. i was thinking that maybe, um... i should swing my arms a little bit more. see? yeah, i mean, that's all i was saying. how's this? and this? and this? well, you seem... or this? seem to be getting the hang of it.
[knock on door] hi. sorry, i'm running late. i just lost track of time. no rush. hey, jer, what's up? i have absolutely no idea. both tylenol and bayer advanced aspirin are proven to be effective pain relievers. tylenol works by blocking pain signals to your brain. bayer advanced aspirin blocks pain at the site. try the power
can you believe she expected me to squire her around town while the dude sits at home in swaddling clothes? do they make swaddling clothes for adults? it's like she split the role of boyfriend into 2 jobs except the dude's playing the showroom and i'm stuck doing food and beverage. hey, buddy. who's that? it's kramer. hey, kramer. george says hi. hi, george! how's that tony? why don't you just come over here? why can't i do this on the phone? what's kramer doing now? he's looking in the refrigerator. kramer. anything good in there? any popsicles? i cannot do this. so, what's george doing? he's not doing anything. good-bye.
so, listen, i'm gonna grab a bite to eat at sardi's. you wanna go? are you taking the tony to sardi's? the tony is taking me to sardi's. [knock on door] oh. hello. well, i'm going. congratulations. well, thank you. thank you so much. i have so many people i want to thank, i don't want to forget anyone. all right, all right. [telephone rings] i said no. jerry, i just want to let you know lyle and i are completely over. i'd rather be with you. just me? no... dudes or fellers? what do you think? i could start right away. [telephone rings] jerry's voice on machine: i'm not here. leave a message. george: jerry, what's happening? so i said to him "arthur, artie, bubbela, "why does the salesman have to die? "change the title. the life of a salesman."
that's what people want to see. excuse me, mr. kramer. my name is lewis maxtone-grahm. i'm one of the producers of scarsdale surprise. oh, hey. lew! we need to talk. peterman: elaine what did you want to talk to me about? sam trashed my office. well, i see what's going on here. i am smack-dab in the middle of a good old-fashioned cat fight. mr. peterman this is not a cat fight. this is violent, psychotic behavior directed at me all because i told her to swing her arms. woof. do you mean meow? yes! that's the one. good day, elaine. oh, no, please mr. peterman. she's crazy! ♪ crazy for feelin' ♪ ♪ so...lone...ly ♪ jerry: i can't believe how much we
did this afternoon. i have a friend, today would have been his whole life. now, what time are you picking me up tonight? huh? you got reservations at sfuzi, didn't you? oh, yeah. sfuzi. i gotta do that. should i wear the outfit i bought today? sure. which one? the one with the... [mumbles] if i'm gonna get my hair cut, i'd better go now. call me when you get home. i won't be there but leave a message so i know you called. ok, ok. hey. i've done that today. whew. what, did you lose your remote? no, cable's out. what's with you? you look, uh, dead. it's lanette. i need like an assistant or an intern or something. a relationship intern. hey... what if the two of us teamed up? not. no. no. no, because that's... listen, we're always sitting here, i'm always helping you with your girl problems, you're always helping me with my girl
problems, where do we end up? here. exactly, because neither one of us can handle a woman all by ourselves. i'm trying. i've tried. we don't have it. but maybe the two of us working together at full capacity could do the job of one normal man. and each of us would only have to be like a half man. that sounds about right. we understand how excited you are to have this very, very prestigious award but you didn't have anything to do with the actual production. no. i'm afraid there is no way we can allow you to keep this tony. what? unless... anything. are you familiar with our star raquel welch? oh. she's fantastic. she's a train wreck. there's a big tap-dance number just before jean harris leaves the madeira school to confront dr. tarnower. it is a gut-wrenching scene. yes, but raquel welch doesn't move her arms when she tap-dances.
it's very distracting. there is a lot of this in tap-dancing. so you'd like me to teach her how to dance? no, we want you to fire her. why do they want you to fire raquel welch? because they're terrified of her. i heard from someone they cut one of her lines, she climbed up a rope on the side of the stage and started dropping lights on people's heads. a story like that's gotta be true. she seems very nice. jerry, you're not in show business. you don't know what these people are like. i'm in show business. oh, come on! what am i gonna do? she's gonna eat me alive. well, i got a tape of fantastic voyage if you think that'll help. [mumbles] jerry, that crazy straight-armed woman down at peterman's trashed my office, and then listen to this. this is the message she left me. sam: elaaaine... i am going to find you. if not in your office,
then in the xerox room or the small conference room next to the kitchen or the kitchen! i mean, she must have a blueprint of the building or something. did you tell peterman about this? well, i tried, but he thought it was some sort of a cat fight. cat fight? ok, why? why do guys do this? what is so appealing to men about a cat fight? cat fight! because men think if women are grabbing and clawing at each other, there's a chance they might somehow kiss. [stammering] what, are you wearing a green sweater? i like it. lanette doesn't. here's your blue one. it's her favorite. what? just put it on! oh. all right, now... remember, she got her nails done today so remark on how you like the color and if you need me you beep me, all right? yeah, yeah, yeah. there you go. ah-ah-ah-ah. ahh. go get 'em. you're a tiger! hey, george, one second. she's having a party friday night and she wants me to take care of the
invitations. a little notice would have helped. how many people? 35. and, george... on the invitations-- i know, i know. don't skimp. go, go. right on time. i like that. i like your nails. that is a great color. i love this sweater. this old thing? george: hi. i need some party invitations. ok. have you been in here before? about a year ago. wedding invitations. right. how'd that all work out? no complaints. you are a fraud, dr. tarnower. you haven't even been to scarsdale. [knock knock knock] miss welch, hey. who are you? uh, well i'm cosmo kramer. i'm, uh, one of the producers. [telephone rings] hello. sydney. no. no, i told you i don't want to do that. if you bring it up again, i'll feed your genitals to a wolf.
kids. you're still here. well, uh, miss welch i do need to talk to you about a little problem regarding your, uh your performance. what kind of problem? well, it seems that, uh, due to the vagaries of the production parameters vis-ä-vis the fragmenting of the audience due to cable television, carnivals, water parks-- out with it. well, you're fired because you don't use your arms when you tap-dance. you're like a gorilla out there. i gotta go. what?! what?! a little help? hey. frolf? yeah. you know we need a fourth for the back 9. you want in? what's the deal with airplane peanuts? yeah, sure. come on. well, i'm ready. let's towel it up. jerry, where are those invitations you were supposed to get?
if they don't go out today, they're useless. but we're in towels. jerry. all right. one second. he frolfs. woosh. he scores. [telephone rings] [ring] george: hello. george, where are those invitations? you were supposed to leave them with her doorman. did you shave your chest hair? no. did you at least pick them up? yeah, yeah, super glossy the best they had. all right, well, get them over here pronto. we're in towels here george. all right, all right. keep your towel on. what? it's a joke. all right, that's not bad. now get over here! ♪ ba-ba ba-da-ba-ba ♪ whoa! ow. sam: in the laundry room or the atm in the building across the street or the watch shop! can't you do anything about this?
i mean, this woman is a psycho. meow. look, just because i'm a woman-- meow. meow. meow. i don't move my arms when i dance? that's my signature. would you just keep an eye out for this woman? she's about-- i don't know-- yea high and she doesn't swing her arms when she walks. what do you mean? like this. what the hell is that? are you making fun of my dancing? aren't you raquel welch? you know who i am. now, what are you doing? uh, nothing. i just wasn't moving my arms. that's it. you're going down. [elaine screaming] ooh. cat fight. kramer: so, how's george? i don't know. they won't tell me anything. jeez. what's that? tony. what happened to you?
raquel welch. yikes. what happened to you? raquel welch. the woman is a menace. yeah. i bumped into her on the street. it got pretty ugly. a cat fight with raquel welch. yeah, c-c-cat fight. my god. george. i slipped on the invitations. mr. costanza. your legs have sustained extensive trauma. apparently, your body was in a state of advanced atrophy due to a period of extreme inactivity. but with a lot of hard work and a little bit of luck i think there's a good chance you may one day... walk again. well, that's good news.
wow. invitations again. ha. now, that's weird. all right, well... well... you want to grab some coffee? yeah. coffee i could get some coffee. ok. mmm-mmm-mmm. this was supposed to be the summer of george! the summer of george. captioning made possible by columbia tristar domestic television vo: attention passengers! we're all getting upgraded with new and improved old navy best tees. chief style attendant: pardon the interruption, but who's responsible for all these upgraded tees? ooh!! tee expert: did someone say tee? don't you know old navy makes tees in more stylish fits, brighter colors, cooler patterns and even better fabrics! chief style attendant: everyone looks fantastic! tee expert: my work here is done.
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narrator: kids, my first kiss with zoey was amazing, and complicated. look, um... i know you're going through a lot right now. getting divorced, being single figuring out who you are on your own. someone knows how to set a mood. i just mean... i'm okay taking this slow. i want to do this right. my friends, as usual were completely supportive. you're doing this all wrong! ted, there are couples in my kindergarten class who have moved faster than you two. granted, their home lives are not great. hey, i'm trying. i keep suggesting these big, romantic dates, and she keeps putting on the brakes. like tonight, she wants me to just come over and bake cookies.
oh. translation: booty-call. total booty-call. private booty, reporting for duty. wait. that... you think that's what she means by "baking cookies"? are you kidding? you're in the kitchen, it's getting hot you start licking stuff off each others' fingers. before you know it, she's bent over the marble island and you're spanking her with a rubber spatula. and she's screaming, "stop, marshall, stop," but that's just code for "harder!" marshall's been in minnesota a while, huh? so long! and now he's staying even longer. his mom has been having a really hard time since the funeral. he's waiting on her hand and foot. but... it's valentine's day. it's not going to be the same without the two of us watching predator together. i should explain. on their very first valentine's day, marshall and lily set out to watch sleepless in seattle. you know, i saw this in the theater, like, five times, but i never got to see it with the right girl. aw...
i'm so glad none of those girls were right for you. what girls? arnold schwarzenegger: if it bleeds, we can kill it. except marshall's brothers had taped over it with predator. mmm. and it became a tradition. loneliness. the looming specter of valentine's day fast approaching. the two key ingredients to my favorite day of the year february 13: desperation day. that's not a thing. it's a thing. much like valentine's day itself desperation day dates back thousands of years. barney: weddings were forbidden under ancient roman law, so saint valentine performed them in secret under threat of death. that's actually true. wait, there's more. this won't be. and right by saint valentine's side was his best bro saint desperatius, there to pick off insecure bridesmaids. whoa. check out that one. her body is a perfect x. player, play on. high v.
oh, jupiter, what are your plans for me? 15 and still unmarried. and i thought pompeii was smokin'. every woman wants a date on valentine's day. that neediness reaches its climax-- what up-- on february 13. a magical night when a ten has the self-esteem of a four and the depraved enthusiasm of a two. now, there's only one thing you can't do. please say "widows." wherever you are, or whoever you're under you must get home alone by 11:59 p.m. otherwise, you're on a date on valentine's day. robin: barney, desperation day assumes that all single women freak out about valentine's day. which we do not. case in point, i will be spending february 13 with some lovely single ladies from work... trolls. ...who could care less about valentine's day. lying trolls. and we will be celebrating the fact that we don't have
to spend it with some dippy guy carting around roses and stuffed toys all night. oh, no offense, ted. and none was taken until just then. i decided to go to minnesota to see marshall. he shouldn't have to help his mom through this rough time all by himself. you losing your mind being alone in your apartment? i'm getting weird! lily: see, it started off with me throwing marshall's jersey on my body pillow. and, well, things kind of spiraled from there. i'm sorry i yelled like that before. i call him "marshpillow." and he calls me... nothing because he's a pillow. hey. hey. how was "baking cookies" last night? narrator: that was a tough question. you see... hi. uh... is that an overnight bag?
(lily and robin groan) you brought an overnight bag? you guys said i was definitely going to spend the night. we said you were going to have sex. we didn't say, "bring a carry-on." so how did zoey react? she thought it was presumptuous and asked me to leave. it's-it's not like i brought a ton of stuff. were there slippers for the morning? not slippers, exactly. (lily, robin and barney groaning) they're called british morning socks. judy: this is such a nice surprise. marshall will be so happy. oh... how are you holding up, judy? oh, i'm doin' okay. it gets a little lonely. my friends suggested a body pillow, but... (chuckles) i'm not a lunatic. marshall: hey, mom? i hate to be that guy, but i'm pretty sure it was hot pocket o'clock, like, ten minutes ago. lily. lily. (video game sound effects) what are you doing here? i wanted to surprise you. oh, my gosh. that's so sweet. i'm so glad you're here. hey, um, before i forget, mom,
did you remember to get more double-a batteries? oh, they're upstairs sweetie. right next to your washed and folded clothes. oh, great, okay. i don't want my game boy to crap out. i'm having the sickest dr. mario run of my life. okay. i'll be right back. i love you, lily. okay. you're the best, mom. aw... anything for my baby bear. get him out of my house. amy: excuse me, do you have all the popular smart phones? blue shirt: we do. amy: at&t? blue shirt: yes. amy: t mobile? blue shirt: sure. amy: sprint? blue shirt: mhmm. amy: verizon? blue shirt: got