tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS December 13, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am PST
tomorrow morning at 4:30 am. have a great night. captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ ♪ >> stephen: good grief. christmas is coming, and donald trump's going to be president. ( laughter ) ( sighs ). >> ho-ho, stephen, it can't be that bad. i mean, the country is divided, but in the end, we're all americans! >> stephen: wait, you're an american? >>, of course! not like that easter bunny. he lives on that island with all those huge stone head displz so does that mean you voted in the election? >> of course, i did. >> stephen: santa, please tell me you didn't vote for trump. >> it was the only thing donald wanted for christmas.
my hands were tied. >> stephen: but santa, he's got to be on the naughty list. >> well, he is, but he said he's bring coal jobs back and i need that coal to crop in the naughty kids' socks. you really want to live in a world where the naughty don't get punished? >> stephen: no, just where they don't become president. ( cheers and applause ) >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes mark wahlberg lee daniels and musical guest miranda lambert. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! good to see you!
♪ ♪ >> jon: hey! >> stephen: good to see you. merry christmas. >> jon: merry christmas to you! ( applause ) >> stephen: welcome to "the late show." please sit down, everybody. thank you so much. you're very kind. what a lovely night. what a lovely crowd. how is everybody feeling tonight? you feeling all right? feeling the holidays. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host stephen colbert. a lot of exciting revelations today, yeah, who donald trump is meeting with for cabinet positions. you know how they've got the cameras at trump towers and seeing them coming in and coming out. it's like a detective show or something like that. >> jon: yeah, like cop. >> stephen: so far it's opinion a who's who of why?
what? ( laughter ) and today, today brought the strangest news yet, because this morning, the president-elect met at trump tower with ali kanye w. you can tell it was a high-powered meeting because kanye wore his formal sweatsuit. now, obviously, it's a security risk gathering the two most powerful american narcissists in the same room. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: you can't do it. >> stephen: just for security reasons, they had to keep shia lebouf in an undisclosed location for continuity of government. here they are ending their meeting with a bro hug in front of the cameras. i heard these two are going to drop an album together.
it's called "the deportation of pablo" i'm not sure what cabinet position kanye was applying for. which government agency regulates diamond masks and track pants? >> jon: i'm not sure. i haven't figured that out. >> stephen: i'll tell you what he's not up for is secretary of state, because today, donald trump chose rex tillerson, exxonmobile c.e.o. i assume from now on, all gas stations are official u.s. embassies, which is perfect for any refugees who are seeking asylum and maybe a slim jim. tillerson is an interesting pick. for one thing, he's an oil man who believes in climate change. well, of course he believes in it. he's from exxon. they invented it. ( laughter ) ( applause ) pride of ownership. it's his baby! "it's my baby!" now, some people are concerned about tillerson's close ties with vladimir putin. and they are buddies. this is true.
here he is laughing at one of putin's classic knock-knock jokes. "orange you glad i didn't poison your family?" ( laughter ) "you will laugh now." and while tillerson admits he and putin have "a very close relationship," he's also said, "i don't agree with everything he's doing." yeah, we all have that one friend who sometimes drinks too much or dates the wrong person, or annexes crimea. what are you gonna do? ( laughter ) of course, this means that the secretary of state won't be going to mitt romney, though romney was a long-shot from the beginning. after all, in march he said this: >> donald trump is a phony, a fraud. his promises are as worthless as a degree from trump university. he's playing the members of the american public for suckers. >> stephen: i don't know about the american public, but trump certainly played one guy for a sucker, because everybody thought mitt had it in the bag after trump took him to that
fancy dinner in manhattan. it was nice. they had frog legs in a reduction of romney's dignity. ( cheers and applause ) oh! salty! oh! delicious! but it was all just a trick, because according to trump insider roger stone, "trump interviewed romney to torture him." that sounds pretty bad. but on the plus side, if this is trump's idea of torture, gitmo is about to get a lot fancier. "tonight, the torture sommelier is recommending a merlot-boarding paired with an aged brie." you don't want to know where they're putting the brie. we shouldn't be surprised. trump seems like the kind of guy who feels like one fancy dinner gives him the right to screw you. and to rub salt-- ( applause )
trump rubbed salt in romney's wounds because it looks like trump is going to pick former texas governor rick perry for secretary of energy. he will be replacing stanford-educated nuclear physicist and jack of diamonds ernest moniz. good shot. ( laughter ) ( applause ) so what are perry's qualifications to lead the department of energy? well, for one, he does have energy. ♪ god bless texas the promised land ♪ >> stephen: wow! if he is half as good as being energy secretary as he is at dancing, there's going to be a lot of nuclear waste spills. ( laughter ) man, he could not look any stupider.
♪ ♪ >> stephen: i apologize. i apologize. was he dancing to "green acres" >> jon: that was "green acres." >> stephen: what were they thinking? he should be secretary of agriculture. so why no mitt? during the campaign, perry was just as tough on his future boss. >> let no one be mistaken. donald trump's candidacy is a cancer on conservatism, and it must be clearly diagnosed, excised, and discarded. >> stephen: man, all those medical procedures sound expensive. they better get them done while we still have obamacare. ( cheers and applause ) , of course, who could ever forget rick perry's most memorable performance in the 2012 republican primary debate? rick perry can. >> and i will tell you, it's three agencies of government when i get there that are
gone: commerce, education, and what's the third one there. let's see... >> you can't name the third one? >> the third agency of government, i would do away with education, um, commerce, and let's see... i can't, the third one i can't. sorry. oops. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: now, three words come to mind: dumb. mother... i can't think of the third one. ( cheers and applause ) by the way, the department he by the way, the department he couldn't remember in that clip, the department he wants to get rid of-- and this is true-- it's the department of energy.
or, as it will soon be known, the department of oops. actually, is there anything nonpolitical going on? hey, here's one. are you guys excited for the movie "rogue one: a star wars story"? coming up? me, too. i'll clap on that one. i'll clap on that one. well, sadly, not everyone is excited, because trump supporters are boycotting "rogue one" with the hashtag #dumpstarwars. the controversy started when a "rogue one" screenwriter tweeted, "please note that the empire is a white supremacist organization." really? why would a white supremacist organization put a black guy in charge? ( laughter ) now, the writer deleted the tweet and then apologized for it, but that didn't appease the dark side of the internet, because pro-trump "star wars" fans are circulating rumors "that the film was reshot to include anti-trump scenes." oh, come on! how do you fit anti-trump
scenes into a movie that takes place in another galaxy? did one of the storm troopers try to grab someone by the wookie? ( laughter ) ( applause ) no. no. wookie. ♪ ♪ what? ( laughter ) i'm going to be asked not to make that gesture anymore. i'm just talking about a wookie. what's wrong with you! these rumors are not true and, please, just, from my heart, please, 2016 has been a rough ride. all year long, one shining beacon of hope i've had to look forward to at the end is the new "stars wars." so i am begging you, in the name of obi-wan kenobi's shimmering ghost, shut up and let me enjoy "rogue one." can't we just all agree! stop it! just can't we just agree that
whatever your political leanings, we all believe our side is the rebel alliance? that's how movies work! no one goes to see "x-men" and roots for the regular humans. and we are the regular humans! ( laughter ) so when it comes to the "star wars" movies, all americans are the good guys. okay? the democratic coalition is every bit as diverse as the cantina band and admiral akbar bears a striking resemblance to republican mitch mcconnell. , of course? so just let it go and move on to christmas. let go of politics and move on to christmas. i know a lot of people are fencing up their christmas shopping or starting it. and sometimes finding the perfect gift for your loved one can be tricky. thankfully, our good friends in the international diamond industry have the answer.
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deserves a diamond for being your emergency contact. a diamond for being your ride home after the eye doctor dilates your pupils. and a diamond for buying stamps. minus two diamonds for never having seen "die hard." but add a diamond for being the person who watched "westworld" with you and tells you what's going on. and two more diamonds to help you forget where diamonds come from. and because she's constantly surprising you with the way she loves you, doesn't she deserve this baggy of extra diamonds and a hot glue gun. this christmas buy her the forever times infinity ring. because face it, your kids aren't really college material anyway. think about it. ( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight. mark wahlberg is here. and when we come back, i'll get some things off my chest. so stick around. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> jon: hey, come on now!
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♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! give it up for jon batiste and stay human! thank you, sir. cheers, cheers. oh! oh my friends. oh, my friends. welcome back to the show. we're having a fine time tonight. you picked a good one to watch. now, before we go on, i just want to say that i'm a practicing catholic. and i enjoy going to church. unfortunately, i don't make it to church as often as i used to because i feel like my sundays
are ceend of sacred, you know. and what i really miss about going to church is going to confession. so i'd like to take a moment and confess to my audience. you won't tell anybody, right? >> audience: of course not! >> stephen: great. this is "stephen colbert's midnight confessions." ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: standard disclaimer: these might not technically be sins, but i do feel guilty about them. okay, i'll be right back. forgive me, audience. my new year's resolution is cancelling the gym membership i got last year. ( laughter )
audience, audience, one of the wise men in my nativity scene broke, and instead of buying a new one, i relaced him with lego batman. ( laughter ) i do comedy for a living, but i panic whenever i have to pick out my funny screen name at the bowling alley. ( laughter ) steve-pin bowl-bert? sometimes, sometimes i want to do something that would make me seem reckless, like get a tatook place of my a.t.m. pin. ( laughter ) sometimes, after i've unloaded my groceries, i just push the empty cart into the parking lot like it's a viking funeral. ( laughter ) i take credit for other people's work. and if i had writers, they'd be pretty pissed. ( laughter ) ( applause )
sometimes i go to kickboxing gyms, look around, and say really loudly, "sorry, not intense enough for me." ( laughter ) i like to go caroling just so i can judge my neighbors' entrance halls. ( laughter ) i've got a simple recipe for eggnog. it's one part whiskey.... ( laughter ) ( applause ) i'm gonna make another batch. ( laughter ) i use up all the hot water when i take a shower, but unless it's really steamy, the clams don't open up.
( laughter ) when my kids were growing up, our house didn't have a fireplace, so i told them that santa came out of the dryer. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i told my family i was doing the mannequin challenge, when really i just didn't move off the couch for three hours. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i ate all the popcorn strings that my family put on our christmas tree. i just love string. ( laughter ) i'm a slow typer because i only use two fingers. and they're not mine. ( laughter ) last night, i lost over a pint of blood because i flossed for the first time in two years. ( laughter ) ( applause ) forgive me, audience.
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♪ ♪ rr ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, welcome back to the show, folking. my first guest tonight is a talented actor and producer. you know him from "boogie nights," "the departed," and "lone survivor." he now stars in "patriots day." >> i know what you're doing there. that's the fence line. you said 2:45? >> correct. >> that's going to be crate&barrel. >> crate and barrel anybody. >> checking crate and barrel. >> yes, sir, i see, 2:44 p.m.
the hat has a golf logo, along with the number 3. >> okay. >> 2:42 p.m. whiskey steak house. >> whiskey steakhouse. >> a man wearing aviators. it looks like they know each other. please welcome mark wahlberg! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: nice to meet you. >> it's nice to meet you. >> stephen: nice to meet another wahlberg, because we had donnie on not that long ago. >> there are a lot of them. >> stephen: for "blue blood" here on cbs. and what a delight your brother is. we really connected. he really raised the wahlberg bar. so no pressure. but a fantastic guest.
>> wow. >> stephen: fantastic guest. >> well, thank you. i appreciate that. i appreciate that. >> stephen: does he ask about me? does he talk about me? >> didn't mention you at all. >> stephen: didn't mention me at all. >> didn't mention you at all. >> stephen: he said nice things about you. >> i don't believe that, either. being the youngest of nine i got tortured by my brothers and sisters. it's nice we have a good relationship now. >> stephen: did you get beaten up by your brothers? >> until i turned 12 and then i turned the tables. >> stephen: you beat up your older brothers? >> all of them. >> stephen: that's not allowed. you're the youngest child. you have to respect your elders. >> we would literally be in the champion. and my mother would be like, "what are you doing?" and i said, what what do you think i'm doing? i'm beating him up. and she said in front of his wife and kids. >> stephen: how many boys and how many girls. >> six boys and three girls.
my dad had three or four somewhere else, before us. >> stephen: okay, all right, yeah. do you know where else? >> i met a few of them. >> stephen: another nice. >> i met my brother scott. there are two donnies. >> stephen: two donnies? >> yeah. >> stephen: we should make them fight in a pit. >> yeah. >> stephen: there can be only one. >> well. >> stephen: there can be only one. >> i knew of only one. >> stephen: i'm one of 11 kids. i'm the youngest of 11, eight boys, three girls. >> work very rare. >> stephen: yeah, pretty rare these days. >> common where i come from. >> stephen: great to be the youngest though, right? >> well, when you start to get into your teens. >>un, it was. >> stephen: you got away with a lot. >> well, i did, but then i ended up going to jail. ( laughter ) so that's not good. >> stephen: i guess not. >> my parents spent a lot of time just trying to put food on the table so i was left to my own devices and that was left hanging up on the with the long crowd. >> stephen: my mom, by the time she got to me, "10 fungers, 10 toes, go outside." >> my mom would tell the story of my dad, when she was ready to
give birth, he would drop her off, and say pick me up when you're done. and i was sleeping in a chair when my wife was giving birth to our four children. >> stephen: you can name from top to bottom, fast. do you want to race? ( laughter ) i'll do 11 from the top to bottom. and you do your nine. ready. >> you want to go top to bottom or bottom to top. >> stephen: i can only do top to bottom. you can do bottom to top. it doesn't matter to me. you go bottom to top. whatever you choose. one, two, three, we'll go. one, two, three ... stephen oh! >> you have more. >> stephen: no one's ever beantown me. it doesn't matter. no oneee ever beantown me. congratulations. >> thank you, sir. >> stephen: i'm humbled. >> you haven't seen the "ted" movie. i talk really fast. i'm good with names and rapid fire. >> stephen: there are a lot of great movies about boston, and you're in all of them. except "good will hunting" that's the only one you're not
in. >> and the "brink job" was good. >> stephen: when you're in one of the movies about boston and we watch nut movies. we say, "that's a really good boston accent." that makes sense because he's from boston. when the other people talk, too, we go, "wow, they should not be in a scene with mark wahlberg when they're trying that accent. what do you do on set? it's one of the hardest accents to get right. what do you do when you're on set and somebody is completely shanking the accent? >> in a movie like this-- in "ted" it's all right. in a movie like this it really relies on its authenticity and accuracy. we would say, "you get one more try, and if not, we will dub you in post." >> stephen: what? >> yeah, or don't do the accent. because it's-- it's-- it's not good when it's bad. he likes to improvise, and a lot of people come in with dialect coaches. they know their lines, and as soon as pete says throw the script out the window and we're going to improvise, people start to really get nervous. it becomes an issue.
with michelle monaghan, she did a fantastic john on the accent, and we improvised and john goodman does a good accent. other than that we cast boston actors. >> stephen: that brings us to the movie. for "patriots day," for those who don't know, it's about the boston marathon bombing. it's an important story to the nation, but particularly important story to your hometown. where were you when that happened? >> i was actually-- i was not in boston. and then i heard what happened, and i immediately went to boston the next day. and, you know, it was incredible seeing my city like that. it was pretty much deserted and just had such an eerie feeling. boston is such a small place. everybody knows somebody directly affected by this. but what was amazing was how boston responded. not just law enforcement, first responders, everybody came together. you know when those explosion went off, you saw people running immediately towards the problem. people from all walks of life. and that made me extremely proud
to be a bostonian. and i wanted to share that as well as the other really positive and inspiring stories of the victims and their families and, also, the survivor s. >> stephen: it was-- it was a tragic day and a shock and heartbreaking day. but i think so many people, certainly i watching it, were moved by the response that boston had, how people stepped up in boston. even the people running the race. there were people that day who ran a marathon, and then ran another two miles to a hospital to give blood. boston was a beautiful place on that terrible day. you-- i understand that you almost didn't make this movie. you weren't sure whether ultimated to be in it. what-- why were you on the fence about doing this? >> well, obviously, it's an exraemly sensitive subject. but, you know, there were three movies being talked about at various stages of development. and they were going to make movies. so i said i'm not going to let somebody else come into my town and handle it with the respect
and sensitivity that it deserves because of the amount of violence and carnage it could be something that could become gratuitous and have people be. and peter berg who i did "loan survivor" with and "deep water horizon." and i said i'm going to tell the story and make it right and have people know what "boston strong" means and make my community proud. ( applause ) we also have, you know-- you look at what happened in cairo on sunday, and these things just continue to happen all over the world. we have to continue to promote that message that love will always win, and that no matter what happens we'll get back up and we'll hold hands and we'll fight for each other, and that message is important. so-- ( applause ) >> stephen: let me ask you one other thing about boston is that people from there seem like they're never impressed with
other people from there. ( laughter ) like, like-- >> it's surprising that you notice that. >> stephen: is that true? >> absolutely. i don't think there's ever been one good thing written about me in a boston newspaper. the people that matter. you know, for me, being able to turn my life-- i haven't gotten into so much trouble when i was a kid, being able to turn my life around. i had gone to copley high but i didn't go past the ninth dpraid, and that's probably 200 yards away from the finish line. i was able to go back and get my diploma at 42 and i inspired kids growing up in neighborhoods like that. if i can accomplish what i accomplished there's no reason you can't do anything. you have to put the work in. you have to do the right thing, earn it, and work for it and great things will happen. >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. merry christmas. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: have a good holiday. "patriots day" is in theaters december 21. mark wahlberg, everybody! we'll be right back with lee daniels.
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( applause ). >> stephen: come on back! my next guest is an oscar-nominated director, writer, and producer whose works include "precious," "the butler," "empire," and now the new television series, "star." please welcome lee daniels. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the show. >> thank you for having me on the show. stupid. mother. hey. and then i turned to the producer backstage, and said, "that was so well deserved. i said, "is he an actor." and then they told me you were in my favorite tv series. >> stephen: what? >> "strangers with candy." >> stephen: you liked strangers with candy?" >> i loved it.
>> stephen: that means are you mentally ill. the "strangers with candy fans are a little. >> of i could never pull off those leather pants. >> they're not really leath gler they're not really leather? >> they just look it. >> stephen: they look better on you than they would for me. >> you should try it. >> stephen: congratulations. look what you just got. you got a star on the hollywood walk of fame. ( cheers and applause ) that is great. >> know. >> stephen: that is fantastic. what's that feel like? because i don't have one-- >> you don't have one. >> stephen: i don't have one, no. >> you gotta get one. >> stephen: what? >> you gotta get one? >.>> stephen: i have to fit in the pants first. >> it is surreal. it really is surreal. you realize-- i felt like lucille ball. i don't know, i felt -- >> like at the chocolate factory? >> i felt like it was sort of surreal that your body of work even-- like i know so many people that are that i think deserve it that don't have it.
so it was really surreal for me. >> stephen: how did you celebrate? how did you-- what happens when they-- when you do it? what happens? >> i got drunk. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that part i've done. >> and i'm supposed to not be drinking, but i got drunk. afterwards, at 3:00 in the morning, my boyfriend and i at 3:00 in the morning, i went back to the star because i thought-- i thought this was some, you know,... playing games with me. ( laughter ) and it was there. and we start dancing, and i instagrammed it. i was drunk. and i-- and i pull up to these strangers on street and i go, "do you know who lee daniels is? he's got a star on the walk of fame." and they go, yeah, yeah, we know. and they didn't know it was me. and they look back up and go, "hey, you! yes we were gone. but it was fun. >> stephen: wow. >> it's really surreal. it's humbling. it's humbling. >> stephen: really? >> yeah, it's humbling. >> stephen: you already got
the big hit "empire." >> when i'm tighted because jesse and tray got n.a.a.c.p. image nomination awards today. >> stephen: congratulations. you have the new show "star" coming out on fox. >> uh-oh. >> stephen: they're about hip-hop and the music industry. have you always been a big fan of hip-hop? >> no. >> stephen: no? >> no. >> stephen: because you're now a very-- >> i know, but my-- look, i feel like-- hold on a second. my-- my music library stops at, like, whitney houston, i guess, a little bounce ayou know what i mean? maybe. and so, so much so, that my kids really told me like you know, timberland is-- i didn't know who timberland was. and my first movie was "monsters ball" and puff daddy interviewed with me, and i didn't know who he was. ( laughter ) he said, mdaniels" -- >> your entrage didn't tip you
off? >> no, he came in solo. it's a casting office. i knew who he was after, because we went on his yacht and he said, "welcome to my world now." i was like, "oh, okay, mr. daddy." ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: mr. daddy. mr. daddy! well, you've written-- you've written a lot of really powerful, beautiful roles for women. what draws you to that? why do you want to give voice to these actresses? >> because i think they're smarter than men. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: really? >> yeah. >> stephen: women are smatter than men? >> yeah. ( laughter ) i mean, you know, not gay men. ( laughter ) but men. there's a hierarchy. >> there's a hierarchy. >> stephen: women, gay men, men. >> no is goes gay merge women, again. >> stephen: oh, okay. so the smartest people in the
room are gay men. >> yes, god. >> stephen: i did not know-- i did not know that i was gay. thank you very much. ( cheers and applause ) ( applause ) thank you. thank you for letting me know. wow. i was-- i just thought i was a thinker. thank you. >> think that women are far more complicated and i find that they are really interesting and fascinating to write for. so -- >> really? >> yeah. so most of my work comes from crazy cookies and such. >> stephen: queen latifah is in "star." >> yeah. >> stephen: we have a clip here of another strong woman showing her strength. jim. >> you gaining all that weight, never showing up on time, acting like an amateur. and who paid for fatha? me. my career. and now you're going to come up here and try to derail me again? no. >> you know what? my father always said to me, "you only need three things in life." >> oh, yeah what, did your daddy say? >> he said you needed your
bible, your word, and your gun. ( applause ) >> stephen: in 2009, you said, "i am so used to having two faces, a face that i have for black america and a face for white america, when obama became president i lost both faces." what happens now that he's no longer president and has-- do you know where you put those faces? ( laughter ) do you-- do you-- you can still keep both of those faces off now that we're going to a different president? >> do we really have to. my god. >> stephen: we really do constitutionally have to go to a new president. >> do we? >> stephen: we do. i checked. >> stupid. mother. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: good luck. >> thank you. >> stephen: "star" premieres tomorrow night on fox. lee daniels, everybody! we'll be right back with a performance by miranda lambert.
rest stop, next stop. caravan like a wild west show ♪ i don't care singing for your surp, get off one and get on the other. ♪ daddy was a drifter momma got drunk. and i still don't know where i come from on the map and off the grid with all my friends from town to town jump off the exit, truck stop, rest stop, next stop
caravan like a wild west show ♪ i tonight care as long as they go my way ♪ singing for your supper, get off one, get on the other. ♪ we ain't broke down then we ain't doing something right ♪ we ain't broke down so we ain't going down tonight living like a hippie moving right along to the next big city living like a hippie moving right along to the next city
♪ jump off the caravan like a wild west show ♪ i don't care, man, as long as we go ♪ my way, singing for your supper ♪ get off one and get on the other ♪ highway, vagabonds ♪ highway vagabonds moving right along to the next ♪ big city highway vagabonds >> stephen: thank you very much. miranda lambert, everybody. we'll be right back.,,,,,,,,,,,,
>> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be neil patrick harris and megan mullally. now stick around for james corden and his guests, jennifer lawrence and t.j. miller. good night! ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where you come from it's gonna be all right ♪ it's the late, late show gentlemen,