tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS May 12, 2017 11:35pm-12:38am PDT
the latest with steven colbert is next. have a great weekend. go warriors. captioning sponsored by cbs >> if you're watching this, it means you're one of the survivors. there aren't many of us left. it all goes back to the trump presidency. everyone thought he would destroy civilization with nuclear war or his environmental policies or army of clone steve bannons. but it wasn't any of those. it was this comet that changed the world. >> thank you, mr. president. denise morrison from the campbell soup company. >> good soup. >> after, that companies began to invest more in soup technology to appease trump. soon, all soup became networked. they smarter and self-aware and rose up against us and started using can openers on us. oh, dear god! a chan of chicken noodle soup!
eat crackers you high-sodium bastard! >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes tracy morgan timothy simons and musical guest dan auerbach. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! >> stephen: yeah, wooo! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey! how are you? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, what's up? good to see you. what's going on? thank you very much. you cannot keep a friday crowd
down. that's the problem right there. ( cheers and applause ) welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. it is. ( cheers and applause ) it is friday. i think we all need a weekend. except james comey. his started on tuesday. ( laughter ) and ever since comey was fired, folks at the f.b.i. have been feeling pretty demoralized. in fact, when asked for a comment, one veteran f.b.i. agent told a reporter, "who cares? nothing matters. no one knows anything. everything sucks." ( laughter ) i believe we have a photo of that agent: ( laughter ) come on, f.b.i. there's got to be something that would cheer you up. you've got those storage lockers filled with cocaine and bootleg dvds. just stay up all night and watch all the harry potter movies on fast forward. it's fun to watch them age. and you can understand why
moral is low at the f.b.i. it's not just comey's firing, it's how donald trump did it. he sent his longtime private security guard to deliver the termination letter in a manila folder to f.b.i. headquarters. if you ever want to know if you're the villain in a movie, ask yourself this question:, "do i have a private squad of goons who terminate people?" a senior intelligence official said, "it's not just that they removed him. it's that they did it in the most thuggish and humiliating way possible. i think that was designed to send a message: 'cut this (bleep) out or this will happen to you.' this is like horse head in the bed." it's like "the godfather," only in this one, nobody respects the don. ( cheers and applause ) yes. right?
but yesterday, sean spicer stand-in and star of a one-woman show about marie osmond, sarah huckabee sanders, denied that there's a problem with morale at the f.b.i. >> i've heard from countless members of the f.b.i. that are grateful and thankful for the president's decision. >> stephen: "countless"? i have a calculator here. let me help you count. go ahead. >> i've certainly heard from a large number of individuals, and that's just myself. and i don't even know that many people in the fbi. >> stephen: okay, okay, a large number of people you know, and that is a small number of people that you know, and that adds up to... yeah, it's (bleep). ( laughter ) ( applause ) that's math. that's not me. that's math. >> jon: if you do the math, you get the right answer. >> stephen: the question is, who will replace james comey
now? we need a head of the f.b.i. it's a huge organization. some are speculating that it might be chris christie or rudy giuliani. ( booing ) or as i call them, "tweedle dee and rudy giuliani." ( laughter ) ( applause ) i personally-- it would be exciting to see those guys back on the national stage. i think he should appoint both of them. giuliani can ride christie's shoulders like master and blaster. it does feel like the after-times. and americans aren't the only ones who are shocked about the comey firing. so is the rest of the world. a british paper called comey's firing "a brazen attack on the rule of law." an israeli paper described trump as "a president who doesn't play by any rules." and a headline in the netherlands read, "vrees voor doofpot na onstlag fbi-topman." ( laughter ) i don't speak dutch, but i think i know who the "doofpot" is. ( laughter ) ( applause )
oh, my gosh. and the turmoil back here in the states is really hard on u.s. ambassadors. like the u.s. ambassador to qatar, dana shell smith, who tweeted, "increasingly difficult to wake up overseas to news from home, knowing i will spend today explaining our democracy and institutions." it does sound hard. that sounds like a tough gig. >> jon: that's a tough one. >> stephen: let me try to help you out, ambassador. i can explain our government to the people of qatar: america is run by a group of powerful men, many of whom are very religious, doing whatever they can to protect their oil industry. i'm not sure if you can relate to that. ( applause ) now, i don't-- i don't-- we always have a fair number of qataris in the audience here. now, i don't do this often, but
i do need to pause for a moment and make a correction. we did a joke on wednesday about sean spicer avoiding reporters by hiding "in" the bushes. it had been reported that he was hiding in the bushes after comey was fired. okay. well, "the washington post" has since updated that report, saying, "editor's note: spicer huddled with his staff 'among' bushes on the white house grounds, not 'in the bushes.'" ( laughter ) it's a subtle difference. i'll show it to you. if you bring the bushes out here, guys. thank you very much. he wasn't hiding in the bushes, okay? he was hiding among the bushes, okay? totally different. you see how much more reassuring this is? this is perfectly dignified. and sean spicer hiding is a great way to teach kids about prepositions. sean spicer hides "among" the bushes. ( laughter ) sean hides "next to" the bushes.
and my favorite, sean hides "from" the bushes, because one of the bushes asked him a question about james comey. ( cheers and applause ) hello! remember, sean. they're not laughing "at" you. they're laughing among you. ( laughter ) ( applause ) thank you, thank you. ( cheers ) thank you, gentlemen. ( applause ) , of course, trump isn't the only politician trying to sell you something, because bill clinton and james patterson are teaming up to write a novel. it's called "the president is missing." that's. much more dignified than the original title, "have you seen my husband?"
well, we got an advance copy of the book. let's see if we can detect bill clinton's influence on the classic patterson thriller. here we go. ( clears throat ) chapter two. really hot. "ken brantley swung his agile body onto the roof. he smiled, thinking of the moment he would corner his mark and take him out with a single shot. he also smiled because he was thinking of boobs. ( laughter ) brantley shook his head, determined to focus on the threat ahead. butts are cool, too, he thought ( laughter ) they're like boobs on your back." 'stay focused, ken,' he told himself. 'you've got a boob to do. i mean, a job to butt.' dammit!" and he shoots the guy. and he shoots the guy. ( applause ) that's an actual book. speaking of books. any game of thrones fans out there? ( applause ) me too. that show has everything: great characters, pulse-pounding action, fleeting moments when no one is naked.
so i was excited to learn that hbo is developing several "game of thrones" spinoffs. this is perfect for all of the people who watch "game of thrones" and think, "there just aren't enough character names for me to keep straight." ( laughter ) and what will these new spinoffs be about? well, apparently, they will explore different time periods of george r.r. martin's vast and rich universe. that is exciting. maybe now we'll finally find out which time period he's dressing for. i'm going to say steampunk newsie in nazi-occupied brooklyn. well, we here at "the late show" because we're in show business-- we're in show business-- we here at the the late show" have obtained an exclusive first look at these new "game of thrones" spinoff tv shows. first up, what happens when the most exciting character in "game of thrones" moves in next door to tim allen? "that's my dragon!" next, spring is here, and that means nuptials. follow real brides on their journey to their big day in "say yes, to the red wedding dress."
and, of course, everyone loves police procedurals and undead zombie armies and tight jeans and karate, so get ready for "white walker, texas ranger"! ( laughter ) we've got a great show for you tonight. stick around. tracy morgan is here! ( cheers and applause ) watch out! ♪ ♪ tired of paying hundreds more a year in taxes and fees for your unlimited plan? only t-mobile gives you unlimited data with taxes and fees included. that'll save you hundreds. get two lines for a hundred dollars. that's right. two lines of unlimited data. a hundred bucks. all in. and right now, we're giving you even more. for a limited time, get a free samsung galaxy s8 when you buy one. that's two galaxy s8s for the price one! plus, two lines of unlimited data for a hundred bucks.
internet speeds 20x faster. at&t fiber sounds amazing. wait a sec, i'm not done yet. less than 12% of at&t homes actually qualify. huh... hold on. everyone else gets our other, slower internet speeds. but no one reads this stuff anyway. except for the old guy with the binoculars. huh... we got ourselves a reader. don't be fooled by at&t.
my friend. oh, my goodness. ladies and gentlemen, you know my first guest tonight from "saturday night live" and "30 rock," and now he's got a new stand-up special, "staying alive." please welcome the one and only tracy morgan! ( applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ she's a brick house ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nice to see you. >> nice-- nice digs! i like this! >> stephen: it is a nice place, isn't it? >> it is. >> stephen: we're renting to own. you were at the kentucky derby last weekend. >> oh, yeah, i was there, man. i was disappointed, though. i was there with my family. you know, i went there and i bet on seabiscuit, and they said,
"he's no longer with us." and i said, "when did this happen?" i'm upset. >> stephen: they should let you bet on anyone you want. >> i say the secretariat. they said he isn't with us. >> stephen: place the bet anyway and demand really big odds. >> i went to the race and bet it on mayweather. he's not a horse you. >> stephen: can't go wrong. i bet mayweather could take a horse. >> that piece. you remind me of j.j. from "good times." i love j.j. damn, damn, damn! >> stephen: >> jon: j.j. was hip. >> he was cool. >> yes he was. he can't play like me, though. >> no, he can't. >> stephen: he's not dead. he's still alive. >> jimmy walker? >> stephen: he's still alive. >> he went to my high school. >> stephen: that means he's dead. what do you mean? you're talking about him in the past tense. jimmy walker is still alive. jimmy come out here.
>> no, no, no! jimmy better not come out here. what is jimmy doing on the coal bay show. i dropped out of high school. >> stephen: you did. >> i dropped out of high school with four credits to go. i loved it. i loved dropping out so much, i wish i could go back and drop out again. i might have been stuck in a job lifting heavy box s. >> stephen: this should be a p.s.a. you do for the children-- "kids," don't listen to your parents." >> i love when the plan comes together. >> stephen: i barely graduated from high school. >> you did. >> stephen: yeah, if i hadn't aced my final exams my time year, would still be in high school right now. i'm not joking. i was a total ne'er-do-well. until recently. >> high school taught me how to pick up chicks. >> stephen: how to pick up girls. were you an athlete? >> yes. >> stephen: what was your sport. >> track and field. i thought i was carl lewis but i wasn't. i ran that fast running from the bullies, you know.
being bullied. and then i learned how to be funny so that kept the bully offs my back. it was either that, or cook them hot dogs upstairs. cheese burgers and stuff like that. ( laughter ) gla. >> stephen: yeah. i don't understand that part. what do you mean cooking the hot dogs and the cheeseburgers? you mean for the bullies? >> yeah, don't beat me up. come and eat hot dogs and pork and beans. >> stephen: that's a really unique response to bullys. i never heard that before. >> true grit. i was a dude in high school. i would scalp lunch ticket s. >> stephen: you would scalp lunch tickets? how did that work? did you make money on that? >> i would bring $20 to school and buy all the lunch books at home room. my lunch tickets were shot, weps sloppy joes and tatter tot s. >> stephen: if they ran out of tickets -- >> i was there. "who needs tickets? who needs tickets? just like yankee stadium. "who needs tickets?
who needs tickets? people still owe me money from lunch ticket. >> stephen: so you would let them get it on credit. you you can't do that. >> sometimes. it was like owning a bor diego in the ghetto. it's true. you give credit, you never go hungry. >> stephen: you started -- everybody knows you got your big break on "s.n.l.." do you remember your audition? i remember your audition because i was there. >> upper. >> stephen: you and i were both there in the final call-back going to network in 1996? >> i never worked with you-- oh, you didn't get to-- my bad. ( laughter ) i'm sorry you didn't get the job! ( applause ) i'm sorry! of. >> stephen: i forgotta that part of the story, tracy. thanks so much for reminding me. >> every savvy jewish man is supposed to love one black man in his life i'm glad he chose me. >> stephen: he didn't love eddie murphy? >> i don't know. i wasn't there! >> stephen: but i remember you auditions. i remember you auditions.
i thought i'm not going to get this job. we're too alike. >> wow. yeah, i remember seeing you in the ghetto. >> stephen: yeah. >> and i said, what happened? what did you all do!" >> stephen: the ghetto was writing for norm mcdonald on "weekend update." >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: i ended up doing that for one month writing for norm. >> that was good. those were good times. those days are still important to me. my days on "saturday night live" are still important to me now. ( cheers and applause ) still important to me now. i love lorne michael. >> stephen: how long were you there? >> i was there for seven seasons. >> stephen: people don't understand a lot of work. it's really exhausting. you guys pull unbelievable hours. >> if you are married and you're on "s.n.l." she's basically a widow. you're there 24/7 because the show knows it can change your career in 60 seconds. and they-- when i first got there, people would tell me, "well, you know you have to have a reoccurring character." i said, "first it has to occur."
( laughter ) "what if it never occurs!" >> stephen: you had a character brian fellow who loved animals. >> "i'm brian fellows." ( applause ). >> stephen: that's kind of real. you do like exotic animals. i understand you had an octopus. >> i have an octopus. i loved marine life since i was younger because my great-great-great grandfather was jacques yo cousteau. >> stephen: your special on net fliction is called "staying alive." we're coming up on three years from the terrible accident where you lost your friend and you were in a coma for how long, six, seven days? >> 10 days. >> stephen: how does that make you feel about life itself? do you have a different approach to being alive every day now? >> well, i've always felt this way. i mean, it was way before walmart. i just embraced life. i don't know nothing about death. and i got close to it. so i embraced it even more now. i love everybody, man. i don't care who you are.
i love you. ( applause ) i love you, and you can't do nothing about it. that's how i feel. >> stephen: that's beautiful. so some people say that when they-- they go through a coma, that they emerge from it a different person. did you-- is there anything about the way you saw the world different when i came out? >> listen, my family is everything for me. i was fighting hard. i fought hard in that coma to come back. my daughter was only 10 months old, and i have a young wife and i need to be here for my sons. and i need to be here. i was fighting hard and i'm here. i feel good about that. i miss you all. i missed doing comedy. >> stephen: are you-- are you a believer in god? >> i always been a believer in god. he's my main man. >> stephen: all right. >> he's my main man. he's a hard ass, because he's old testament. jesus is new testament. he's a cool dude.
i was smoking with jesus. >> stephen: i haven't met him. >> you'll meet him. i heard you got a beef with trump. >> stephen: what? >> i heard you got a beef with trump? >> stephen: who doesn't? >> he's the president! he is the president! and i'm going to follow his example. that's why i'll going to file for bankruptcy north going to pay my taxes and grab the women by their crotch, because i have to do my part to make america great again! ( cheers and applause ) do my part! >> stephen: a beautiful message. that's a beautiful message. well, trace-- >> hold on for one minute. >> stephen: you got something? >> hold on. >> stephen: what have you got? >> what's up, obama. i put the wiretaps where you told me to put them? stop yelling at me mr. former president. obama. >> stephen: do you talk to obama a lot? >> yeah, i talk to obama a lot. he's my man. we went to high school affect. >> stephen: he graduate,
though, right? >> he graduated, i dropped out. >> stephen: you said that you had-- you said you had a 10-month-old when you went into the coma. she is almost four now? i would say? >> she will be four july 2. >> stephen: did you take her down with you, too? >> that's my baby girl. that's my wife right there. >> stephen: i know. >> i'm going to get her pregnant tonight. ( laughter ) it's hard! >> stephen: happy mother's day! >> you have a beautiful, young-- it's difficult when you have a beautiful young wife like that, that you are madly in love with, because it puts you at a disadvantage in the relationship. >> stephen: what do you mean? >> you're not ever going nowhere. i ain't leaving that. i might talk junk like i'm going to leave. the other day i teller,"you keep treating me the way you treating me, i'm going-- i'll be sitting right there. i won't be going nowhere. i don't need to go to no high school. i got hit by a walmart truck. ( laughter ). >> stephen: did you take your daughter? did you tack a four-year-old to the derby? >> yeah. >> stephen: what was that
like? >> she is very nice. my daughter was really relaxed. she was with her mom and dad. she's not one of them rowdy wild kids. she was okay with us. >> stephen: you're okay to travel with a young kid. she doesn't bother you anything like that? >> yeah. >> stephen: these shooez good on the plane. >> but the planes are getting violent. you see all the fights happening in the airports and on planes. you don't even have to go to vegas to sea mayweather fight. just go to dealt. that last fight, that dude a straight left hook, left jab. i said, wooo! they don't even give you the p.a. announcement on the plane nowhere. there's a voice that goes, "let's get ready to rumble!" ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: very nice. hey, i understand-- this is kind of exciting news-- i understand that you've got a project with jordan peele. what's that going to be? >> tbs, we have a serious on tbs with jordan peele.
i talked to him today. it's going to be very nice. it's grounded and funny. it's my life. it's called "the last o.g." and you all are going to enjoy it. me, cedric the entertainer, tiffany haddish. it's going to be beautiful. >> stephen: have you seen "get out?" >> yeah, i saw "get out." that was scary. it was like watching "the exorcist." my dad took me to see "the exorcist." and he's smoking a joint next to me and i'm watching this girl's head turn around. traumatized me for life. i was scared of little white girls for years! >> stephen: well, "get out" will not help that. >> no. but that's my main man. congratulations, jordan. i love you. >> stephen: tracy, thank you so much for being here. congratulations to you. thank you for spreading the love. ( cheers and applause )
"staying alive" is available tuesday on netflix. tracy morgan, everybody! we'll be right back with timothy simons. is your skin dry? then moisturize with aveeno® skin relief. with oat oil and natural shea butter, it softens and smooths extra dry skin and lasts for 24 hours. aveeno®. naturally beautiful results® aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!! tom?
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jack vo: things get a lot more jack vo: vampires wake up. jack vo: werewolves come out. jack vo: the boogie man gets his boogie on. jack vo: and my hashbrowns turn into my new munchie mashups. jack vo:they come with crispy hashbrowns and tasty white cheese mashed up with your choice of savory egg and bacon, buffalo chicken and ranch, or jalapeños and bacon. jack vo: so you can keep going until the sun comes up. jack vo: ouch, that's gotta hurt. jack vo: introducing my new munchie mashups. only at jack in the box. well it's a perfect nespresso hold on a second.orge. mmm. ♪ [mel torme sings "comin' home baby"] hey there. want a lift? ♪ where are we going? no don't tell me. let me guess. ♪ have a nice ride. ♪ how far would you go for coffee that's a cup above?
i brought you nespresso. nespresso. what else? ( cheers and applause ) >> welcome back, everyone. my next guest stars on "veep" as the extremely unlikeable congressman jonah ryan. >> excuse me, shawnee, i don't know what your problem is, but i've been underestimated my entire life. failure to thrive at birth. (bleep) that. puberty at 19. when it hit it hit leak a (bleep) thunderbolt. third-grade reading level in the tenth grade. everything i have been through in my entire life has only made me stronger and taller. get those (bleep) meat balls away from me!
>> stephen: please welcome the very likable timothy simons. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> how you doing? >> stephen: that is for you. >> this is for me. >> stephen: i'll wait while you hydrate yourself. go ahead. we could go here a while. >> one second, guy s. >> stephen: while you do that, i will comment i love your beard. >> thank you. >> stephen: we haven't seen jonah with a beard. >> i've been working very hard on it. >> stephen: it gives you secondary male characteristics that jonah does not possess. >> does he have any? >> stephen: he's very tall. that helps. and he's a dick. ( laughter ) you go by timothy, right, the whole damn thing? >> yeah, the whole thing. >> stephen: timothy. it makes it sound like, when i say your name, that i'm mad at you "timothy!" request not tim. >> i like the formality of timothy. there's something i like about that. >> stephen: does your mom call you tim? >> well, she did, but something
that happened when i was a kid. i'm putting it together that i might have been a nightmare child. ( laughter ) like a fun nightmare but a nightmare. >> stephen: sure. >> you know-- you have kids-- when you're mad at them you will yell the middle name. so i was timothy charles simon s. >> stephen: sure. >> but it turns out, my mom would get so mad at me, that for a long time, she would get so mad at me she started adding middle names. and for a very long time i thought my name was timothy charles michael orile pat reich michael simons. she would get so mad that she would just start screaming irish middle names. and it turns out that's not my name. for years i believe it was. >> stephen: you have kids of your own now. >> i do. >> stephen: do you yell their middle names at them? >> they're wonderful, lovely, amazing children. but, no, they're fun nightmares, too. i think they got that from me, for sure, but they are fun nightmares. they have gotten into a thing recently -- >> stephen: girls, boys? >> one of each.
a girl named hopper and a little boy named marty. >> stephen: how old? >> five years old. we have twins. >> stephen: perfect age. >> i have always pictured myself-- i feel like i'm coming into my sweet spot as a parent. i always pictured myself as a parent of five- to nine-year-olds. i don't really know what to do with a baby so, for, like, a good year and a half, i had no idea what i was doing. i feel like i'm coming into my sweet spot where if they ask me a question i can make up the answer and they can't-- they don't know how to use google. they can't fact check me. so i can straight up lie to them, and they have to believe it. >> stephen: any good lies you've told your children? >> all the regular ones, santa, the easter bunny, and that everything is fine. ( laughter ) papa-- it's just all going to work out. papa is well liked and well respected. ( laughter ) but the -- >> stephen: do they tell lies to you? >> they do. very recently, i was in the kitchen, i was making dinner, and hopper came in from the
backyard, and told me, "papa, i didn't throw my sneakers on the roof of the garage." ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's your daughter? >> yeah. >> stephen: that's what she led with? >> she led with, "papa, i did not throw my sneaks, or the roof of the garage." i'm going to give you one guess where you think her shoes were. they were on the roof of the garage. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. that's like being pulled in by the cops and going, "i don't know how the body got in the storm drain." >> the thing si try to think when people ask me what their maturity level is, i put together this week that donald trump in that comey letter that he wrote, essentially, in that letter wrote, "i did not throw my shoes on the top of the garage." >> stephen: oh, right because he said -- >> the thing about -- >> stephen: he said, "even though you have told me three times that i'm not under investigation, so i'm totally not firing you for that reason. you're fired." >> so they are-- they are exactly as mature as the
70-year-old leader of the free world. >> stephen: uh-huh. maybe a little more. >> maybe a little more. >> stephen: because they have an excuse. you did theater in chicago for a long time. >> i did. >> stephen: i lived there for 11 years. >> yeah. >> stephen: i did sheert in chicago. how did you-- what's the word-- eat? chicago is a great place to do theater. you can really-- you can get a lot of work there. it doesn't necessarily kill you to live there but you still have to make ends meet. what was your job during the day? >> i had a bun of different jobs. i was a carpenter and at one point-- because i'm a physical specimen. i know everyone can see that, especially in the back row, you can see jacked. i was a bouncer at what i believe is the worst bar in america. ( laughter ). >> stephen: what's-- >> it's called joe's on weed. >> stephen: joe's on weed? >> i think i can say the name of the bar. it's awful. don't ever go there. don't ever. >> stephen: joe's on weed. is it on weed street in chicago?
>> it's on weed street. i was there, one of my first days, there was a riot there. and it can hold about 1,000 people. >> stephen: wow. >> so it's a big crowd. and i think what they did is-- they didn't need bouncers that could actually bounce anybody out. they just assumed we would handle it in numbers that they would just hire 30 bouncers like me that weighed 170 pounds at 6'5" or whatever and that we would handle it. i'm not steeped in hip-hop culture, but there was a hip-hop show, and one of the opening acts said-- and i don't think that this is-- i don't think this is a nice thing-- he said (bleep) chicago hip-hop. i only like new york city hip-hop. or i think i'm paraphrasing. >> stephen: them's fighting words. >> it did not go over well, and a full-on riot broke out. and somebody at one point, like, took a sofa from the second floor, and threw it on to the first floor. >> stephen: a person picked up a sofa? >> i think he was mad.
so-- ( laughter ) in my memory it was one person. >> stephen: rage, yeah, rage. so what did you do? >> i-- i looked to my boss, and i said, "what do i do?" and he said, "stop it." meaning, i guess, stop the riot. but as i know that i'm a physical specimen and i know you can all see, that i was unable to do that. i was wearing a shot that said joe's on weed, and i just turned it inside out and joined the riot. >> stephen: teach that to your daughters. >> teach that to your daughter. >> yeah. >> stephen: it was lovely it meet you. thank you so much for being here. i'm a huge fan of "veep." >> thank you. >> stephen: i love your performance. i love jonah ryan, as hateable as he is. i love the unstable piece of human scaffolding, the world's largest single-cell organism, and, of course, jonad. >> that's the one that comes up the moat at the grocery store. >> stephen: how does it feel to know there is a room full of
writers thinking of ways to insult you? >> terrible. they're all harvard-educated, incredibly intelligent people and their only job is to say that make me feel terrible about myself. it is a murderer's row of people-- worst is-- you're always able to separate it, sometimes. you're mostly able to separate it -- >> stephen: "it's not me. it's my character." yeah. >> but when they come out and look you up and down and they go back into the writers' room, and 30 seconds later they come back with, "okay, try 'you look like melted play dough on a flag pole'" you know that wasn't about the character. you know you looked like melted play-doh on a flag poll. >> stephen: with a beautiful beard. thank you so much for being here. >> thank you. "veep" airs sundays on hbo. timothy simons, everybody!
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( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. as the host of a talk show, i wield enormous power. but as powerful as i am, there are those even more powerful than i. history's most merciless despots, like genghis khan, vladimir putin, and macklemore! ( laughter ) strike him down, and nine ryan lewises rise in his place! all of us have one thing in common: we were all kicked out of taylor swift's birthday party, and we all wear a big furry hat. ( cheers and applause )
. ( cheers and applause ) now that this hat is upon my head, any proclamations i make thus enhatted are now and forever law. let us begin. from now on a "picnic" is me eating alone on a blanket, and the blanket is on my bed. ( laughter ) henceforth, if you make a doctor's appointment for 11:00, that doctor will see you at 11:00. if the doctor is late, you get to check his prostate. ( laughter ) ( applause )
scientists will stop adding feathers to dinosaurs. i don't care if it's more accurate. you're making them look like idiots. from this day on, if an all-male panel wishes to reduce women's maternity care, they must first pass a cantaloupe through their urethra. ( cheers and applause ) let it be known: my keys will be where i think i left them, not where i actually left them. ( laughter ) ( applause ) as of today, anyone who forgets to clean their hair out of the drain after showering must put that hair back on their head for the rest of the day. ( laughter ) ( applause ) henceforth, any man wearing a fedora will be sent back in time to when that was a good idea.
( laughter ) ( applause ) let it be written, let it be done. actor jon hammust be in something else very soon. i like that guy. ( applause ) starting now, halal and kosher are the same thing. middle east peace begins with a yogurt sauce. as of today, any movie with a sad ending must let me know in advance. if i wanted to cry, i'd stay home and watch the news for free. the hat has spoken! we'll be right back with a performance by dan auerbach. come back, hat!
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♪ when i get up i got to get me a plan to ♪ do whatever i can i suppose i'm already working for my uncle sam ♪ you know he's got me countin' cheerios ♪ no more crying on my shoulder i'm allergic to the tears ♪ it's trying for this soldier to pretend for all these years ♪ shine on me shine on me ♪ shine on me shine on me ♪ ♪ ♪ i got to keep my ray-bans on so my eyes won't burn ♪ while they shed new light upon my number one concern
his new album "waiting on a song" is out. june 2! dan auerbach, everybody! we'll be right back. ,, businessman 2: we've gone over the numbers several times, and... businessman 1: yea, yea, yea...you know what i'm craving right now? businessman 1: (over speaker) --guacamole and bacon. audio tech: we got a craving! go go go!!! music: crashing cravings in the crave van. jack's gonna crash your crave! jack: hey guys, try my guacamole and bacon chicken sandwich with all white meat chicken, guacamole and pepperjack cheese. businessman 1: thanks jack.... wait. we're on the 18th floor. how did you get here?
captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where you come from it's gonna be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from salvador,