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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  March 15, 2018 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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the late show with stephen colbert is next. >> have a great night. watch it tomorrow if it's raining. be careful on the streets. captioning sponsored by cbs >> the pentagon is working on a grand military parade in washington, requested by the president. pentagon spokesmen tell cbs news that plans are in the early stages for an event in november. >> it's the first-ever presidential macy's trumps- giving day military parade. join us as the streets of washington, d.c. are filled with a thrilling display of authoritarian power! fighter jets. nuclear subs. a dancing stephen seagal! things that go bang. things that go boom. uncle sam on stilts with big boobs. and trump youth with their salute to the golden one! and robert mueller in a cage. >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, trump loves a parade.
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plus, stephen welcomes: john oliver. beanie feldstein. and wolfgang puck. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey! how are you? thanks for being here. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: i apologize. i didn't mean to scare you. thanks so much. please have a seat, everybody, very nice. ladies and gentlemen, welcome one, welcome all. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) you know-- ( cheers and applause ) here's the thing, here's the thing-- we kid the president. but you've got to admit, he's one of a kind.
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no one comes up with dumber ideas. at this point, he's really his own competition. he's the usain bolt of stupid. ( laughter ) >> jon: ♪ he run fast >> stephen: and, his latest record-setting dumb: trump told the pentagon to plan a military parade. all right, check your cards: who has dictator bingo? ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) yeah. there you go. i got-- i got it. i'm close, i'm close. i was close. i had rallies and attack the free press. i didn't have military parade. anyway, so, trump's not mad at kim jong-un, so much as he seems to be jealous. he wants to do all the fun stuff. i can't wait for trump to visit the lube factory. "that's how much eric puts on his hair." but, here's the thing: traditionally, america doesn't do military parades. normally, if you're in a city with u.s. tanks rolling down the road, i wouldn't bring the
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children. now, when you're the most powerful military in the world, you don't need to show it off. we know we got a big joint. the founding fathers didn't want a standing army at all, and military parades were a european fetish, and not the kind benjamin franklin got off on. ( laughter ) in fact, trump got the idea when he attended last year's bastille day celebration in paris. oh, my god. he's like an exchange student who just got back from europe and keeps calling gas, "petrol." ugh. you know. you know, the butter over there, the butter over there is so creamy. it's amazing. he knows bastille day is about poor people chopping off rich people's heads, right? nobody tell him. ( laughter ) here's how he brought it up. evidently, during a meeting with his top generals in the pentagon's "tank"-- a room reserved for top-secret
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discussions-- trump said, "i want a parade like the one in france." ( laughter ) keep in mind, this is the room where they make big decisions, like "do we go to war?" "sir, kim jong-un is fueling his rockets on the launchpad. do we engage with a first strike to cripple his command and control?" "uh-huh, sounds good. general kelly, i need you to go to party city and get some red, white, and blue streamers; some crazy straws; a hot glue gun; and some rickrack. we're making a float. ( laughter ) or hobby lobby, or hobby... hobby lobby." ( laughter ) but-- that's fun for him to say that, "hobby lobby." now, trump's wanted this even before his european vacation. the military reportedly turned down a suggestion from trump's team for tanks and missile launchers at the inaugural parade. wow, it's really a shame they
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didn't do the parade at the inaugural, because the soldiers could have filled out all those empty stands. ( laughter ) yeah. hobby lobby. hobby lobby. ( laughter ) now, this is all in the early stages. in fact, as of right now, military officials have said it is unclear how they would pay for it, and the cost could run in the millions. what a waste. couldn't macy's parade just include a trump balloon next year? like, tell you what-- use garfield and just blow it up halfway. no one will notice the difference, okay? ( cheers and applause ) they both love lasagna. they both love lasagna. now, the plans call for trump to either observe the spectacle from a reviewing stand or serve as a grand marshal. a grand marshal? he knows that's not a promotion, right? ( laughter ) "i tell you, melania, i'm only
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president now, but i'm hoping one day to be grand marshal. jeff sessions says i got a pretty good shot at grand imperial wizard, you know." >> jon: whoa, whoa, whoa! watch that. >> stephen: oh, really, really? we found the line. we found the line. >> jon: that's it, right there. >> stephen: yeah. and you know who else trump might be copying? his friends in russia, because-- i don't know if you know this, the russia investigation keeps marching on, led by former f.b.i. director and man saying to child, "none of your business where babies come from," robert mueller. now, we know mueller wants to interview president trump, but trump's lawyers are desperate to avoid that because trump could put himself in legal jeopardy through what legal scholars refer to as "talking." ( laughter ) talking? it's called talking, okay. but, now we're hearing-- ( cheers and applause ) talking! but now we're hearing trump
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actually wants to talk to mueller, despite his lawyers' concerns, because in addition to believing he is entirely innocent, he has experience with lawsuits and testifying under oath from his time in the real estate business, seeing as how prior to becoming president, he was sued in court about 1,300 times. it makes sense. "don't worry, i'm a fireworks expert. i must be. i've blown off all my fingers." ( laughter and applause ) but-- but according to one source, "he thinks he can work this." you know what, mr. president? yes, you can. ( laughter ) you can do it! you're a brilliant billionaire mastermind. you are better and smarter than these clowns, who have wasted their entire careers conducting criminal investigations. your lawyers just don't get that. so you go out there and you testify. you do you!
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in the meantime, i need to look at the menu from buffalo wild wings. ( laughs ) ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) in happy news, i don't know about you, i have to go back to a story we talked about yesterday, i have to double pump one, one we talked about yesterday. because i am still pumped about elon musk and his company spacex's incredible launch yesterday of their rocket called the falcon heavy! ( cheers and applause ) the launch was amazing to watch, especially when the two boosters actually reentered the atmosphere and landed back at the cape in synchronicity. it was the happiest anyone has ever been while yelling, "look, the rockets are headed straight
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towards us!" ( laughter and applause ) but-- "and the tanks are coming down the road!" but the part i can't get over is when the rocket deployed a red tesla convertible with a mannequin in the driver's seat, blasting david bowie's "life on mars?" that is just cool! and i poke fun. you know, we made some jokes about it yesterday. but i-- when i got home, i looked at the live feed from starman, which is what they call it behind the wheel, and what i wasn't prepared for is how breathtaking this convertible would look as it cruised by the earth. that is an actual feed. it's so surreal and moving to see something that ordinary floating in space. i literally watched it for hours. whoever bullied elon musk in high school, thank you. ( laughter ) thank you for just-- he's got to get just a little cooler. ( applause ) and just as amazing-- this is true-- 20 years ago, this was an ad for "3rd rock from the sun."
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and although on a certain level it's completely ridiculous, according to elon musk, that's kind of the point. >> it's literally a normal car. in space. which, i kind of like the absurdity of that. and if you look closely, there's-- on the dashboard, there's a tiny roadster with a tiny spaceman. i mean, it's kind of silly and fun, but i think-- i think that's-- you know, silly, fun things are important. >> stephen: yes, silly, fun things are important. ( laughter ) but not in space travel, elon. i take space travel very seriously. in fact, one day i hope to be the first man... on uranus. ( laughter ) ( laughter and applause ) i've got to say, america's got a
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long history of silly space flight. who can forget j.f.k.'s stirring speech? >> we choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because we're going to leave nixon's keys up there. it will be hilarious. >> stephen: and, it's not-- it's not just fun. it's actually great advertising for tesla, which spends zero dollars on advertising every year. as one expert put it, "the buzz he creates with a stunt like this is far beyond what marketing dollars can buy you." and musk already has copycats. today, they shot the trivago guy into the heart of the sun. ( laughter ) he got a great deal. he got a great deal there, actually. and it looks like spacex will continue its mission of having fun while making breakthroughs in space travel, because elon musk is calling his next project the "b.f.r.," which stands for "big ( bleep ) rocket." yes, i for one, i hope-- i hope
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the launch goes well, because no newsman should ever have to utter the words, "tragic news about the big ( bleep ) rocket. ( laughter ) it totally ( bleep ) crashed. there were no ( bleep ) survivors." we've got a great show for you tonight. john oliver is here! stick around! it's john oliver. ♪ introducing our new tiered cami dress. ♪
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back to the show! jon batiste and stay human, right there, everybody. give it up for the humanists. ( cheers and applause )
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>> jon: yeah! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody. ladies and gentlemen, you are in for an enormous treat, because my first guest tonight is the emmy and peabody award-winning host of "last week tonight," but he's best known as the voice of vanity smurf. please welcome john oliver. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i like that. >> yeah? >> stephen: i like that. i like that ass slide across the desk. >> it was a little like michael j. fox in "back to the future," right? ooh! >> stephen: yes, right.
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that was either-- you were, like, either starsky or hutch, sliding across the front of their charger. >> that's right. i think i know exactly how that looked, and it's as awkward as it felt. >> stephen: fantastic. >> i have buffed your desk for you. >> stephen: thank you very much. well, welcome back. it's always good to see you. how you been? >> thank you. fine, thank you very much. how are you? oh, oh, and now the questioner is the questionee! >> stephen: your reaction was as if i was pinning you down on something-- "fine! what have you heard?" now, have you heard about this, because you've been here for a little while, and i was rehearsing before the show. it turns out, right now, it's almost 6:00 when recording this, nancy pelosi has been on the floor of the house talking for eight hours. >> wow. >> stephen: yeah. ( cheers and applause ) >> really? >> stephen: they don't even know. >> wait, i'm not-- i'm not sure, deep down, you know if or what you're applauding there. "oh, she talked for seven hours. that sounds like an endurance effort to do and to listen to, to some extent." i don't know if anyone wanted to hear nancy pelosi speak about anything for seven hours.
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>> stephen: yes. >> if she read the "harry potter" audio book, we'd have no movies right now. that's what i'm saying. >> stephen: it's for the-- for the dreamers, trying to force a dreamer vote in the house, right now. ( cheers and applause ) >> sure. it's all going to work. it's all going to work. it's not going to work, but it is a valiant public effort. >> stephen: yes. now, you have heard about the president's request for a parade. >> yes. >> stephen: have you not? >> i have indeed heard that he wants that. >> stephen: yeah. yeah. >> i will say this-- it won't make him happy. ( laughter ) and i think it's important that he knows that. whatever this presidency is about-- the search for a lost father's love, trying to fill a void with something tangible-- that parade is going to go past him and he's going to be like, "this isn't it, either." it's not going to happen. >> stephen: it's true. >> those phallic missiles, "no, okay, it must be something else then." and that, that is when we're really ( bleep ). >> stephen: right. >> yeah. >> stephen: what if we just fired one of those missiles off?
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maybe it's the fact that we haven't used the missiles. >> maybe it's that. maybe it's that. maybe it's not firing at someone. "surely i can fill this hole with something." which he can't. he's an emotional vacuum, and he'll die that way. ( laughter ) if we accepted that, we'd all be happy. >> stephen: interesting, interesting, interesting. but you're still giving him a chance. you're still-- you're giving him-- >> you've got to give him a chance. >> stephen: of course. >> the presidency changes people, right? >> stephen: yeah. >> right, right? >> stephen: sure. >> the second year. the second year really settles people down. that's what we know, right? >> stephen: yeah, exactly. yeah, bay of pigs wasn't until the second year. ( laughter ) now-- okay. now, listen: england. they have military parades, don't they? are you used to this sort of thing? >> military parade? we used to-- we had military parades across india. ( laughter ) but, i don't-- >> stephen: because, he saw this-- he saw this parade in france. >> that's right. >> stephen: and he said, "i want one like they had in france." >> that's what he took away from the france trip, their awesome military. ( laughter ) >> stephen: hiss.
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meow! >> just saying! not to-- not to thump on about history, but, anyway, it doesn't matter. they could have put up more of a fight, is what i'm saying. i think historically they could have fought back. anyway, i'm not here to talk about that. but i'm happy to. yeah, it's an odd thing. for a man who seems incurious about everything, that really stuck in his head, that french parade. he obviously thought, "i want one of those." and-- >> stephen: well, i think the ceremonial aspect of being president is what he thought the entire job was. >> i think that's his favorite part of a job that he has otherwise no interest in, yeah. >> stephen: right, he thought the president was basically an inflated version of cutting a ribbon at a strip mall. >> yeah, he's going to watch the royal wedding and think, "i want one of those. sorry, melania, it's time." >> stephen: wow. well, speaking of the royal wedding, you're english, you must be really excited about the royal wedding. >> no. >> stephen: yeah. >> no. ( laughter ) >> stephen: come on! >> i don't-- really? >> stephen: you've got to be. >> really? >> stephen: look, he's a brit. he's marrying an american girl. you're british. you married an american woman.
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do you have any tips for him? >> i would not blame her if she pulled out of this at the last minute. ( laughter ) i don't think you need to have just seen the pilot episode of "the crown" to get a basic sense of "she might be marrying into a family that could cause her some emotional complications." >> stephen: but this generation seems like nice people, right? they're all nice now, right? >> yeah. i mean, they're an emotionally stunted group of fundamentally flawed people doing a very silly pseudo-job. that's what she's marrying into. so, i hope she likes it. it's going to be weird for her. i would not marry into the royal family. i'm a commoner. i would not be welcome, especially after what i've just said. ( laughter ) i'm guessing the queen-- the queen-- is probably-- >> stephen: could get a knighthood. could get a knighthood? >> theoretically, i could. she's probably ripping that up as we speak. "there we go.
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you little bastard, you're not coming now, are you?" >> stephen: when you see other-- when you see, like, if you see other, like, performers or comedians or something, if you see them get a knighthood, do you go, "the ( bleep ) are you doing?" >> you mean, accepting it? >> stephen: yeah, like, if you see other people who like-- who, like, satirize power and-- >> it's a little bit-- it's just weird to kneel in front of another adult. ( laughter ) it's-- it's odd. i know that historically, you read and you see people kneeling down and kissing the ring, but it's a bit strange. >> stephen: right. >> it's an odd thing to still have. and i like royal weddings as much as i like any-- i also like fireworks. you know, it's a spectacle. it's something nice to look at. >> stephen: put them both together. >> well. >> stephen: fireworks-- >> that could be the most guy fawkes-based idea you've ever had. >> stephen: by the way, "kiss the ring" means something different in england, doesn't it? ( laughter )
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i was told that that means something different in england. yeah. >> oh! >> stephen: is that not true? >> i think historically, you used to-- the prime minister, who would have to have tea with the king every week, once a week, would have to end that tea time by puckering up and kissing the king on his exposed ( bleep ). ( laughter ) do you think that's got my invitation back? ( laughter ) >> stephen: mm-hmm. that's high tea. that's high tea. >> they don't get higher. >> stephen: okay, trump versus mueller, let's talk about that for a second. >> yes. >> stephen: trump says, "oh, yeah, i definitely want to talk to mueller." >> sure he does. yeah, actually, i don't doubt-- i don't doubt that he wants to talk. but he is going to have to
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physically get through his lawyers first. if he talks to-- he's going to have to eat his way through their hands over his mouth, because they will tackle him to the floor before he opens his mouth in front of him. he would perjur himself before he finished his name. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i think he would do a good job, and i think he should do it. ( cheers and applause ) >> if-- if-- if i can just cosign on that? i know-- i know i joke around a lot, mr. president. but i also think you would do an excellent job. ( laughter ) and i, too, think you should do it. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) do it. do it. >> stephen: okay, we've got to take a little bit of a break. but don't go away. we'll be right back with more but don't go away. we'll be right back with more john oliver. ♪ get into my car
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to "the late show." we're here with the lovely and talented john oliver. it just so happens you're about to start season five. >> yes. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: one year ago-- >> five. >> stephen: five. >> i love it. >> stephen: prime numbers. >> you've got to love a prime. >> stephen: and, last year you were here to talk about season four. you were actually here one year ago on this exact day. february 7 is what we call john oliver day, here at the "late show." ( laughs ) can we book you for next year on february 7? >> yeah, let's do it. >> stephen: okay, great. >> if, if we're alive by then. remember, we are having that parade. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's true. now, you said, when you were here a year ago, at that point, it was right after the inaugural, and then everybody was running on adrenaline. >> yeah. >> stephen: and that's sort of what kept you going, like, to make your jokes, or to do your monologues about trump. but that would wear out. so a year later, is it still adrenaline for you? >> there is still some adrenaline, right, because he does things like, say, "i want a military parade."
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so, even-- now, that is a cup of coffee in the morning, is what that is. ( laughter ) but, yeah, i mean, you have to drink this fire hose of information every day. how are you feeling? >> stephen: it has no effect on me at all. >> yeah, i see that. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm just a perfectly happy 24-year-old man. ( laughter ) just-- >> yeah, you look good. >> stephen: thank you. >> you look good. you look great. >> stephen: thank you very much, thank you very much. okay, the olympics are coming up. are you an olympic fan? keep in mind they're not on cbs. >> oh, then no, ( bleep ) the olympics. no, i like them, conceptually. >> stephen: yeah. >> the winter olympics, like most people, i like-- slightly less so. >> stephen: oh, really? >> and i do feel-- >> stephen: you like-- why do you like them less? >> i just don't understand the events as well. i just don't have a fundamental understanding of them. i like to watch each little thing for a while and go, "that looks like a highly-skilled thing to do. i think i'm done watching a norwegian doing it." i'm sure the president loves it!
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so many norwegians. >> stephen: true, yeah. >> he loves norwegians, to a genuine fault. but i think there might be a slight overselling of how useful north korea and south korea playing ice hockey together is going to be. >> stephen: oh, right, they're going to march in together, and they're going to play together in hockey. >> there's a sense, maybe the olympics will really turn the situation around. and i would merely point to the olympics of 1936 in germany, just to show the limitations of the olympics to really change someone's mind. because i don't think putting that medal around jessie owen's neck really calms down mr. hitler at all. he didn't think, "there you go. oh, maybe i've not thought entirely rationally about the concept of a super race." he didn't. he doubled down. >> stephen: do you engage in winter sports yourself? >> do i look like i engage in winter sports? ( laughter ) >> stephen: i don't know. i don't know. there's a bar. i don't-- like, there's a lot of
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hot chocolate involved. ( laughs ) curling is in, like, a bowling alley. >> i've skated before. i could-- this is how good i am at skating-- >> stephen: you've skated? you have been on skates? >> i've been on skates, and i can get off the wall a bit. >> stephen: oh, okay. ( laughter ) i get it. >> is there a medal for that? "oh, he's off the wall!" >> stephen: here's how i differentiate between the sport that i like, whether it's summer or winter, is that i enjoy the sports where you c know who won without talking to a judge. do you know what i mean? like, the person who is fastest. >> oh, right, yeah. i see. >> stephen: jumped the farthest, jumped the highest, whatever. the one who scored the most points in the goal. >> yes. >> stephen: but if i have to turn to a judge and go, "well, i think this person won; what do you think?" then i don't-- then, that's an entertainment. >> right. >> stephen: that's a beauty pageant. >> it becomes subjective. that's why i like the one in the olympics where they race on snowboards and they smash into each other, and they go over the bumps. >> stephen: because you know who won. >> yeah, because you know who won and who really lost. >> stephen: yes. i like-- i like the ski jump. i like the ski jump because, i think, if you just go off of it,
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you should be awarded something. ( laughter ) >> well! that's, see, that's-- i don't know if you're aware here, but one of the great british olympic heroes is eddie "the eagle" edwards? >> stephen: oh, right, right! >> eddie entered before they had a qualifying requirement. he just decided, "oh, i'll just enter an olympic sport that no one else will enter." so, a crazy british guy just decided, "how hard can ski jumping be?" and he ( bleep ) learned. but-- ( laughter ) it was an amazing thing. it was like, the british people were so proud of him just for trying, and doing something so objectively stupid. and he lost. he lost in a big way. but it's still one of the most iconic moments. it's just-- sure, like, there's a british side of really respecting a good defeat. that's why we like dunkirk so much. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, thank you for being here. >> it's a pleasure. >> stephen: merry season five. ( cheers and applause ) >> yeah. >> stephen: five. >> five. >> stephen: five. season five of "last week tonight" starts february 18 on hbo. john oliver, everybody. we'll be right back with "lady john oliver, everybody. we'll be right back with "lady bird's" beanie feldstein.
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at&t gives you more for your thing. john oliver, everybody. we'll be right back with "lady bird's" beanie feldstein. your getting serious thing. that moving out of the friend zone, moving in together and getting two of everything thing. those fur babies preparing you for real babies thing. that one for me, one for you, us together for the rest of forever thing. buy one iphone 8, get one iphone 8 on us. more for your thing. that's our thing. we can go down this what do you think? ♪ "never been in love" by cobra starship feat. iconapop ♪ woo! yeah! it's good! it's refreshing. ♪ this is what our version of financial planning looks like. tomorrow is important, but she's only seven once. spend your life living.
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>> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody! my next guest tonight is an actress best known for playing the utterly loveable best friend julie in "lady bird." please welcome beanie feldstein. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, so nice to meet you. >> hey! it's so nice to meet you, too. thank you for having me. this is so exciting. >> stephen: my pleasure. i had the great joy and opportunity to talk to a couple of the others, the director, greta, and, of course, saoirse, who plays lady bird. but i absolutely loved your performance as her best friend julie. and i-- ( cheers and applause ) >> that is so nice!
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>> stephen: i just wanted to show-- we have one quick clip to show-- one of my favorite scenes between you and lady bird. go ahead, jim. >> why aren't you in algebra 2? >> i switched sessions. >> why? >> aren't jenna and kyle enough? >> i'm sorry that you're jealous. >> jen is a moron, you know. >> she's not. she's in a.p. calculus. >> she's a moron in a deeper sense. >> you don't even know her. >> ms. patty assigned you a role, by the way. you just never showed up to claim it. >> what role? >> the tempest! >> there is no role of the tempest! >> it's the titular role! >> no, it's a made-up thing so we all can participate. >> you can't do anything unless you're the center of attention, can you? >> yeah, well, you know your mom's ( bleep ) are fake. totally fake! >> she made one bad decision at 19! >> two bad decisions! ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: great scene. we actually showed it when saoirse was on, too. >> it's the best. greta is just the best. >> stephen: well, it won the golden globe; it's nominated for five oscars now. have you had a chance to celebrate with your fellow "lady birders?"
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>> yes! so, okay, so the sag awards were the sunday before the announcement was made, and greta and i planned to have breakfast on the morning that the announcements came out. and, i was so excited, and like, my heart was bursting for her, i was so excited. and i'm driving to meet her for breakfast, and i get a text from her, that's like, "are we still on for the plan?" and i'm like, "yeah, greta, i think i can squeeze you in on the morning you're nominated for best director!" it was so sweet! and i'm driving there, and i was like, i don't know what to get her. like, what do you get people when they're best-- you know, they're nominated for best director and their film is nominated? so, do i get her a card? do i get her flowers? and then i-- it hit me. i was like, i need to get her "the greta," which, when we were filming, the only thing greta ever asked for was an ice cold diet coke and a bag of cheetos. every day! and so, we started to call it "the greta." and so i got her-- >> stephen: is that what this is? >> yes. i got her the greta. so, this is us on the morning that the oscar nominations were announced. and-- ( applause )
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she walked in-- she walked in to where we were eating, and we were crying and jumping up and down. and then she looks at the bag, and she's like, "you got me the greta!" and she's, like, sobbing. and, you know, it was one of the most special mornings i've ever had. >> stephen: everybody i know who has seen this movie just loves it. i've waxed on about this movie on this show several times now. >> so great. >> stephen: but, has anybody come up to you that really surprised you, who loved the movie? because you must get it all the time. >> yes. so i just got back from london, and i was lucky enough to see "harry potter and the cursed child." i'm the biggest "harry potter" fan, so i was so excited. and i was lucky enough to go backstage. and i went back right when the curtain came down, so the whole cast was still in their costumes. and i was like, "oh, my god, oh, my god!" and dumbledore, who appears in portraits in the play, he walks up to me, and he's like, "beanie, we love 'lady bird'." and i was like, dumbledore knows who i am! >> stephen: uh-huh. ( applause ) >> like, you know, you think i
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would know by now that people are actors and they're wearing costumes, but he was in the robe, and he had the beard. and i was like, it's dumbledore! he sees everything! he even sees the muggles. it was very exciting. >> stephen: that's how i felt when i met ian mcclellan. >> yes. >> stephen: like, "gandalf knows my name!" >> exactly! exactly! >> stephen: now, you play-- it takes place-- for people who haven't seen it, it takes place in a catholic school. >> yes. >> stephen: "feldstein," i'm going to take a wild guess, that's not an irish catholic name. what was it like for to you play catholic? was there something you learned about my tribe that you liked? >> well, it's-- i come from theater and i love theater, and you guys are very theatrical. >> stephen: oh, the mass is a play. every week it's another play. >> yeah! and like, there's a call and response. you use your hands. there's choreography. i was like, i can get with this. when do i put my arms up? what's the-- >> stephen: choreography? >> yeah, well-- >> stephen: if your priest starts dancing, get out of there. ( laughter ) well, speaking of high schools, i understand that you had a very famous prom date. >> yes.
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>> stephen: who was your prom date. >> i went to prom with ben platt. he's my best friend in the world, and from, you know, "dear evan hansen," and-- >> stephen: okay, so you don't know each other from show business. you guys know each other from your lives. >> yeah. we went to high school together, and we are best, best, best, best friends since we were 14. >> stephen: well, i asked if this was-- okay, they got it. i asked if this was achievable. i-- may i show this? >> yes! >> stephen: this is an exclusive, right? no one's ever seen it. >> i don't think so, no. this is us in, you know, pre-prom. >> stephen: pre-prom photo. >> yeah. this is when we were at his house. >> stephen: this is you and ben platt when you were about to go to prom. >> yeah! ( cheers and applause ) we look like such babies! ( applause ) >> stephen: you do. he is-- getting ready for prom, he has gotten himself-- he has gotten himself a deep, deep tan, i can see. ( laughter ) so-- >> i know! we lived-- we grew up in los angeles. you would think we could get a little more-- >> stephen: so, did he do a prom-posal? >> he did. so, as i mentioned, we're really into theater. and i was out in new york, and i was auditioning for a production of "funny girl," the musical. and i'm not sure how well you know it, but he sent me flowers, and on the note, it said, "please don't rain on my
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parade." "you're my people." it was, all the songs from the show were incorporated into the note, and it said, "will you go to prom with me?" the end. yeah! >> stephen: if you said no, he could have given it to streisand. ( laughter ) >> totally. >> stephen: now, we have to go here in a second, but i want to do one thing. they've hidden this from me. this is-- this right here. i'm going to hand this to you. people in my office have been taking the buzzfeed quiz of which "lady bird" character are you most like? so, i took the test this afternoon and gave it to my producer and he fed it in there. and, tell me who i am. >> which "lady bird" character are you? >> stephen: and show it-- show it to them. who am i? >> you got lady bird! >> stephen: so we're best friends. >> we're best friends! >> stephen: my best friend. >> we're catholic school best friends. >> stephen: will you go to prom with me? >> yes, we have to go to prom together now. >> stephen: "lady bird" is in theaters now. beanie feldstein, everybody. when we come back, i'll be cooking with celebrity chef wolfgang puck. yeah, that was the one, right?
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hey jon, did you eat half of my bagel? uhhh. speaking of half, if you switch to h&r block this year, you'll pay half what you paid the other guy last year. so, you did. smokescreen! you're a fake wizard, jon. this is a movie set. switch to h&r block and pay half of what you paid your other guy. h&r block. get your taxes won.
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>> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back to "the late show." ladies and gentlemen, my next guest tonight is an award- winning chef and the original celebrity chef. please welcome wolfgang puck!
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>> hello. >> stephen: maestro. ( cheers and applause ) >> thanks for having me here. >> stephen: now, maestro puck, we are coming up on valentine's day next week. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: you can make-- show us how to make a-- >> a great valentine? >> stephen: --simple, romantic valentine's meal. >> okay, okay. >> stephen: all right. >> but first you start with the great cocktail. my favorite cocktail is the negroni. >> stephen: okay. >> so, it's one-- anybody know what a negroni is? ( cheers and applause ) all right there. >> stephen: a couple of people are already drunk. >> okay, all right, that's a good way to start valentine's. so you start with one-- you measure cocktails, so you put one-third gin. >> stephen: okay. >> okay. put it in here. then, campari. >> stephen: now, what is campari? >> campari is like a bitter cocktail, a bitter liquor from italy. >> stephen: a bitter liquor from italy. >> yeah, so, yeah. you want to taste it? >> stephen: sure. >> okay, all right. ( laughter ) leave a little bit for me. ( laughter ) strong, no? all right. >> stephen: quite bitter.
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>> yeah, it's bitter. that's why we add all these other things. >> stephen: a little gin to smooth it out. >> okay, and a little alcohol here. >> stephen: where are you from, sir? >> from austria. >> stephen: what a beautiful country that is. >> thank you. did you ever go? >> stephen: i've been to vienna. >> yeah? >> stephen: i've been to vienna. it's gorgeous. fantastic public transportation. >> yeah? so you don't need-- so you can drink. >> stephen: that's exactly-- the beer is so good, you have to use the public transportation. >> you have to use the public transportation. all right. so, you stir it really well. and then you take it out, and strain it into a glass here. >> stephen: okay. >> with the strainer. >> stephen: okay, that's nice. >> put it on here like that. >> stephen: like that? i don't do it on the thing? i don't do it on this? >> okay, you can do it-- >> stephen: i can do it this way? >> yeah, sure. >> stephen: i'm breaking all the rules. >> all right. >> stephen: all right, that's it? that's enough? >> just keep the-- everything. >> stephen: thanks very much. >> and then, peel off an orange peel, here. >> stephen: all right, there we go. mmm. mmm. you know what i like? eating in vienna, i like eating the veneers. the sausages. >> the sausages? the schnitzel and the sausages? >> stephen: the sausages. the sausages on the street. >> oh, totally. >> stephen: they put that on the
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spike that heats up the roll. what's-- is that a steaming spike? >> all right, so you make that. if you don't get-- if you don't get lucky, drinking that, making that, forget it then. >> stephen: oh! >> it's good? >> stephen: oh, i'm going to put out. >> yeah. ( laughter ) we hope so. so then, for main course, we're going to grill a little lobster. >> stephen: can i try that? i like that. what's this? a little salt? >> yeah, a little salt on it. and put a little pepper, too. you want to spice it up a little bit. >> stephen: oh, you better do it. like this? just like that? >> i know, valentine is today, or tonight. whatever you do. >> stephen: there you go! >> all right. so now, we're going to put the lobster here. and we're going to just grill it. so you can do that at home really, really easy. now, i know you don't eat a lot of meat, but jon batiste, over there? >> stephen: anybody eat meat? >> he likes meat? all right! so now-- >> yeah! ( laughter ) >> i love the music. i listen to you every night. we're going to throw a little steak for you on the grill, okay? and put a little salt on it. >> stephen: hold on. let me do this. >> okay.
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okay, a little more. ( laughter ) >> stephen: a little went up the old sleeve there, is what i did. >> okay, put a little more, come on. >> stephen: a little more than this? >> yeah, yeah, for sure. all right, all right. ( laughter ) that's for the band, for you, and your happy wife. >> stephen: do i have a wife? >> yeah. are you married? yeah. >> stephen: that's kind of a personal question. >> okay. ( laughter ) it's a personal joke. >> stephen: i do. i do have a wife. i have a lovely wife. are you married? >> i'm married, too, yeah. >> stephen: oh, congratulations. >> thank you. >> stephen: how many years? >> this one, ten years. ( laughter ) >> stephen: good for you! good for you! >> but-- >> stephen: double digits! double digits! >> --it took me a little time to get it right. >> stephen: i understand. >> some people do it the first time. it took me the second time. >> stephen: all right, great. >> so now, we turn off this lobster. so it takes about ten minutes to cook it. cook it on both sides, nicely. all right, so then the lobster is cooked. >> stephen: so are these already pre-cooked? >> yeah, so i took off the claws and cooked it in a little butter. so then you just turn it over, just like that. it smells good already, huh? all right.
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>> stephen: looks gorgeous. >> all right. are we ready to taste a little bit of that? >> stephen: oh, hell yeah. >> are you hungry? >> stephen: yes. >> all right, i'm going to take out my lobster claw. so you present it like that. and, i have a few truffles here. you know what truffles are? black truffles. >> stephen: they're underground mushrooms, right? >> yes, very expensive. >> stephen: can i see that? oh, my gosh. >> yeah, smells good, doesn't it? >> stephen: smells excellent. how much would that cost, right there? >> this one, probably $300. >> stephen: this is $300? >> yeah. cheaper than a diamond, for sure. >> stephen: wow. >> yeah. ( laughter ) yeah, you can taste it. ( audience reacts ) you're an expensive customer, but it's okay. ( laughter ) you know-- >> stephen: that was a mistake. ( laughter ) >> have the cocktail with it. ( laughter and applause ) all right. or a little lobster. taste a little lobster, here.
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>> stephen: oh, oh! >> hot, hot, hot! >> stephen: oh! ( laughter ) >> all right, goodbye! we'll see you later. >> stephen: this is a great date. >> the lobster or the drink? >> stephen: you! >> oh, me, okay. now, you know what, for chefs, life is terrible at valentine's day, because it's our busiest day in the restaurant. >> stephen: oh, so you don't get to be at home? >> no, no, i come home late and we have a late dinner, or go to bed right away. i don't know yet. we'll see. >> stephen: now, you-- you actually are the celebrity-- you are the chef who does the oscar after-party, aren't you? >> exactly. yeah, we do the big governor's ball, right after the oscars. so-- >> stephen: is this what you serve the people who lost, so they'll forget? >> yep! and, you know, but if you want to, you can add a little touch of champagne to it. >> stephen: why not? it's valentine's day. >> yep. ( cork popping ) yup.
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>> stephen: oh. >> all right. >> stephen: thank you very much. well, thank you so much. this is the most delicious meal that i didn't prepare. >> okay. see? >> stephen: wolfgang? >> now you know what to cook. >> stephen: i love your name. what does wolfgang mean? >> well, wolfgang really, in german, means the gang of the wolf. the walk of the wolf. ( laughter ) >> stephen: your name means "wolf pack?" >> wolf pack. >> stephen: the walk of the wolf? >> the walk of the wolf. >> stephen: you walk like a wolf. >> no, i walk on two feet, not on four. so it's okay. >> stephen: have a couple more of these, my friend. ( laughter ) >> okay. >> stephen: you can check out his restaurant, by-- ( laughter ) you can check out his restaurant, cut by wolfgang puck, here in new york city. wolfgang puck, everybody! we'll be right back. ( ch
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you can just leave it, thanks. ♪ ♪ hello? can i help you? hello! hello? hello!!! hello hello!!! ♪ >> stephen: hey, that's it for the "late show," everybody. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel love the tonight don't you worry ♪ what planet you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from kristiansand, norway, give it up for your host, on


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