tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS March 21, 2018 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
the ncaa tournament continues to captioning sponsored by cbs >> joe dininova, who has been questioning the integrity of the russia investigation will join the president's legal team later this week. as a contributor to fox news, he has repeatedly pushed the theor theatf.b.i. and justice department have been working together to intentionally frame president trump. >> okay settle down! settle down! i'm sure you've all heard the news that president trump hasalded to his legal team joseph e. diginova, a well-known conspiracy theorist-- or so the illuminati would have you believe. he will be joining ty cobb and john dowd to form the best legal eyewitness news in...
i'm just going to trail off now. ( laughter ) but mr. giginova is not the only addition to the president's team of lawyers. the president has always hired the great gagu esquire, lawyer by day, naughty cruise ship hypnotist by night. also, that gorilla who whowalks upright. did surprisingly well on the lsat. now, if you have any questions, i'll refer you to trump's legal counsel, the season 5 dvd of "law & order." ka-khung. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." >> and working out with ruth bader ginsburg, featuring tomba teeft and stay human. and now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city upon it's stephen colbert!
>> stephen: hay, everybody! thank you so much, you're too kind. that kind of energy from an audience like this who have been waiting outside for hours in a city that is buried in snow right now! cabs-- there are cabs caught in snowdrifts out there! people going cannibal in the back of an uber, which is extra, by the way. anyway, welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. warm up on that, that's very nice.
well, folks, the stormy daniels story just won't go away, no matter how many photos of her bustline anderson cooper slowly zooms in on every night. they've actually renamed his show "anderson cooper show "anderson son cooper 36 dd." it's all across cnn. wolf blitzer now goes by his porn name, wolf blitzer. "did somebody order a pizza? i've got extra sausage in my situation pants." ( laughter ) i'll catch you up on the latest in the daniels controversy in tonight's "stormy watch." now, previously on stormy watch, ms. daniels alleged she had an affair with donald trump and that she was paid $130,000 to sign a nondisclosure agreement just days before the election.
imagine how damaging an affair with a porn star would have been to his image as a family-values pussy grabber. ( laughter ) , of course, could have changed something? of course, the president has a long history of non-disclosure agreements. in fact, we've just learned that trump made the white house senior staff sign n.d.a.s. now, this is a troubling in two ways. one, it's illegal. government officials work for us. you can't make them sign n.d.a.s. ( cheers and applause ) yeah, yeah. and two, it really makes me think trump has had sex with his entire staff. ( laughter ) so i guess we shouldn't have been surprised when porn star attorney and attorney who looks like a porn star, michael avanetti, said that there were more accusers. >> we have been approached by six different women who have claimed to have stories similar
to those, to that of my client. >> stephen: yes, and those stories have been compiled in the new book: "six shades of (vomit sound). it's a good read. but avanetti had a much more serious allegation, which he claims is not just an allegation. >> i'm not alleging anything. i'm stating a fact, and the fact is that my client was physically threatened to stay silent about what she knew about donald trump. >> stephen: how dare you, sir. donald trump would never condone violence. >> i could stand in the middle of fifth avenue and shoot somebody. knock the crap out of them, would you? i'd like to punch him in the face, i'll tell you. >> stephen: i stand corrected. ( laughter ) but according to avanetti, daniels is not intimidated. >> the details surrounding that she's going to discuss, i'm sure, on the "60 minutes" interview on march 25. >> stephen: yes, they're airing the stormy daniels interview this sunday. it will be the steamiest
broadcast on cbs since edward r. murrow did the entire show as a leather daddy. "good night, and your safe word is 'good luck.'" now, when asked about the allegation, trump lawyer michael cohen says he never threatened her, and he's not sorry that he spent $130,000 to pay off daniels, explaining, "what i did defensively for my personal client, and my friend, is what attorneys do for their high-profile clients. i would have done it in 2006. i would have done it in 2011." "i would pay off a porn star in a box. i would pay off a porn star with a fox." ( laughter ) adding, "i truly care about him and the family-- more than just as an employee and an attorney." yes, this porn star payoff is just michael cohen showing the care of a simple country lawyer. as atticus finch once said, "i'm
no idealist to firmly believe in the integrity of a married man's god-given right to bang a porn star, to be spanked on his chunky buttocks with a rolled up magazine. i am confident that you will review, without passion, this briefcase loaded with $130,000, and stay silent about this pervert in the white house. in the name of god, do your duty." ( cheers and applause ) thank you. >> jon: yeah! yeah! >> stephen: and donald trump isn't the only person caught in an extramarital sex scandal. in fact, he's not even the only person caught in an extramarital sex scandal named donald trump, because you've probably heard by now that donald trump jr. is being sued for divorce by his wife, vanessa-- seen here, in happier times.
( laughter ) now, there's nothing funny about a marriage ending... is something i believed until i heard this story, because now it's been revealed that donald trump jr. had an affair with "celebrity apprentice" contestant aubrey o'day while he was married. ( booing ) "aubrey o'day is a celebrity?" i think they've lowered their standards. not as much as she did, but still. ( laughter ) >> jon: oh! oh! >> stephen: o'day, o'day-- she's a singer? she's a singer who appeared on the reality show, mtv's "making the band," winning a spot in the girl group danity kane. and in the years after, becoming a reality-show staple. "reality show staple," by the way, is how they attach donald trump's hair.
( laughter ) ( applause ) >> jon: peabody, please! >> stephen: trump jr. reportedly met o'day on the set of "celebrity apprentice" in 2011 and, apparently, when trump sr. heard about the affair, he told don jr. to "knock it off." you know you're in trouble when donald trump is giving you marriage advice. "knock it off. extramarital affairs are my thing. who do you think you are, some kind of donald trump jr?" ( laughter ) it doesn't look like this scandal is going away any time soon, because now people are asking if aubrey o'day's song "djt" about donald trump jr? makes sense. it's not the first time someone's written music about him. i mean, we've all seen "grease." o'day's song-- >> jon: boy!
>> stephen: now, o'day's-- calm down. calm down. >> stephen: o'day's song includes lyrics like, "i hate me for loving you, hate you for letting our love die." i get the first part. that's very relatable. but the second part surprises me. you've got to expect heartbreak when you date a trump. their family motto is "here's your cash. now zip it." we've got a great show for you tonight. keri russell and matthew rhys are here. but when we return, i work out with ruth bader ginsburg. stick around! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ♪ i've always wanted to have a photo exhibit of the faces of our community and those people that
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody. give it up for jon batiste right there! ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: yeah! >> stephen: happied with, jon. >> jon: happy wednesday. >> stephen: has been wednesday. it's no secret, everybody knows. i'm a huge fan of court justice ruth bader ginsburg. you know what they call her. they call her the notorious r.b.g. she's a feminist icon and a favorite among the young people. now, at 85, she's the oldest justice on the supreme court, but she's made it very clear that she "has no interest in retiring." ( cheers and applause ) which is good. just-- please, just hang in there for three to seven more years. but that will not be a problem, because she stays in shape because her workout is super hard. which is surprising.
if i had a lifetime appointment to a job that let me wear a robe, i would definitely let myself go. it's a black mumu. so i jumped at the chance when justice ginsburg invited me down to washington, d.c. to join her workout. jim? >> stephen: i met ruth bader ginsburg in the gym of the watergate apartments. well, thank you so much for sitting down to talk with us today and show me your workout. first of all, what do i call you? you're not a judge. do i call you "your honor," or "your bader ginship"? or do i call you requested lady justice?" >> you can just call me justice. >> stephen: just justice? >> just justice. >> stephen: just justice. now, you're the notorious r.b.g. >> which is named after the-- it-- it copies the notorious b.i.g., a famous rapper. >> stephen: sure, biggie.
>> and when people ask, "what do you have in common with the notorious b.i.g.," i say, "we have one thing clear in common, and that is we were both born and bred in brooklyn, new york." >> stephen: you also both love words. he's a rapper. you love words. you're always-- you know, you're always spittin' your truth. >> yes. >> stephen: and both of you are implicated in tupac's murder. ( laughter ) >> you have advocated for women's right cases. the rumor is you have in the new "oceans 8" movie. have you seen the poster? >> no. >> stephen: was it exciting? what's rihanna really like? >> i'd like to find out. this is the first i heard of it. >> stephen: i hear very good things. i was told not to ask her about any pending cases before the court, but i just to press her on one of the most divisive issues facing our country. a hot dog a sandwich?
>> you're asking me? you tell me what a sandwich is, and i'll tell you if a hot dog is a sabd witch. >> stephen: a sandwich is two pieces of bread with almost any type of filling in between, as long as it's not more bread. >> you said two pieces of bread. does that include a roll that's cut open but still not completely? >> stephen: that's the crux you've gotten immediately. that's why you're on the supreme court. that gets immediately to the question-- does the roll need to be separated into two parts. because a sub sandwich-- a sub is not split, and yet it is a sandwich. >> yes. >> stephen: so hot dog is a sandwich? on your definition, yes, it is. >> stephen: well played, lady justice. >> i want to see what your workout is, let's get fully ripped and exploded.
let's get shredded. let's get stupid strong. >> let's go. >> stephen: with the oral arguments over... aaah! aaah! we brought in her trainer, bryant, so we could hit it. do you ever listen to music to get all jacked up before you work out? >> i listen to mostly opera recordings. >> stephen: oh, okay. can i recommend a great workout song. i think you might engithis one. ♪ everybody dance now >> stephen: woooo! >> i would never, never exercise to that noise. ♪ ♪ >> let's shut-- let's shut it off. >> stephen: no? okay. well, we could listen to opera too. do you ever listen to anything a little more exciting, like the sound of rain?
♪ ♪ >> stephen: am i doing this right, right now? ( laughter ) >> stephen: while we're down here, do you want to wrestle? >> i don't do wrestling. ♪ ♪ >> stephen: justice is blind, but you know man meat when you see it! come on! wooo! >> stephen: i don't think paul ryan could do this. ♪ ♪ >> stephen: do you want to feel? do i want to feel that? >> pretty good. >> stephen: thanks! >> stephen: how strong are you on the second amendment, because welcome to the gun show. boom, boom, boom! >> stephen: what? i'm cramping. i'm working out with an
85-year-old woman. >> stephen: can i ask you a question, and i want you to give me an honest answer? are you juicing? >> no. >> stephen: i had reached my decision in the case of "rooeg versus kicking ass." not only can the justice last another five years on the bench. i believe she could have killed tupac. up top? justice ginsberg? >> yes. >> stephen: high five? thank you, lady justice! we'll be right back with keri russell and matthew rhys. stick around! you can't judge a woman looking at her man. you can't judge a daughter by looking at the mother. you can't judge a book by looking at the cover. taking one look. try to read me like a book but i leave 'em all shook
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. folks, you're in for such a treat because my first guests tonight are actors who pretend to be russians who pretend to be americans on "the americans." >> i know how hard you're work. >> i'm not complaining. the summit is a big deal. there's a lot to do. whatever it is you want to talk about, we can talk about tomorrow, whether it's henry our your work, can wait. >> it's not henry. today i-- >> whatever it is, i have to figure out what the hell is going on with this summit and everything else right now. so i know you love to talk, but you don't have to sit here and wait for me until 1:00 in the morning. >> i know how tired are you, but i need to talk to you. >> if you knew how tired i am, you wouldn't still be talking. >> stephen: please welcome keri russell and matthew rhys! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ♪ ♪
>> stephen: thank you. hello! >> hello. >> hello. >> stephen: i haven't seen you guys since we did the emmy real together. thank you so much for doing that. >> it was a lot of fun. >> thank you for inviting us. >> stephen: now we're celebrating season six, final season -- >> it's over gr. >> stephen: of "the americans." >> yes. >> stephen: how has the show change do you think from season one to season six? >> i think what the have just seen is pretty progressive. there was a lot more sort of synthetic materials. we're definitely into the world season, as you saw from that clip. which actually wasn't from the show. that was our home life, about competing about who is the more tired. >> stephen: how-- how have you changed from season one to season six? because you've been playing spies for six years. s that affected you in ways?
>> are we more secretive and tricky? >> i like to think i am. at least more tricky. the whole spy thing was always slightly an anomaly for me. i was confused -- which is the look you saw in the last 45 seconds of the clip. and i was told i wasn't very good. when we did counter-surveillance, they would say, "you're too obvious! we can see you looking." "i'm not a spy." >> stephen: you're not a real spy. >> yes, i'm here by mistake. >> stephen: i have not caught up with all five seasons yet. i'm a little bit behind. i really enjoy the show, but it's so darn sexy. >> which bit? >> stephen: no, you guys are both sexy people. and you get sexy with each other and you have sexy times with other people on the show. >> yes, there are sexy times. >> stephen: and i have kids at home, and i'm embarrassed to be watching the show when you guys are having the sexy time on tv. it's mom and dad watching, like, soft porn. >> totally! >> stephen: when it's not. which it's not. but you don't want your kids--
>> we play is like soft porn. >> my friends say, "we can't watch that, because there was that scene when you were giving that guy a (bleep). it is just too weird." >> stephen: okay, that would be one of the things-- >> i-- maybe the highlight of the was when i burst in on you having sex with more than one person, and with a gun, telling him to put his hands in the air. like, no acting involved on my bow half. i was like... ( laughter ) >> stephen: wow. >> i'll pistol-whip you if you don't get out of bed! >> stephen: right. i've got to catch up with season six, evidently. >> yes! >> stephen: wow. okay, so final season. any chance there's going to be a spin-off, like "young putin," or anything like that? ( laughter ) is there-- is this really it, or is there going to be a spin-off? >> this is really it. >> we are ripe for a spin-off. but-- >> the kids. >> the kids, yeah, you know. >> yeah. >> young monica lewinsky.
we always said we were training the daughter to become a-- to change her name to monica lewinsky, but they didn't go with that pitch. that was, like, my final season stab at a spin-off. >> stephen: but you daughter now knows you guys are spied. >> yes. >> stephen: and she's being trained to be a spy in return. between the two of you, you've got three kids. would any of them make a good spy? >> i think wilwould make a good spy. her capability for lying is staggering. >> at six. >> yeah. >> stephen: oh, yeah. >> it's a problem. >> stephen: they're very manipulative at that age. >> yeah, yeah. she's like-- we'll be racing, getting ready to go to school, everyone's coats, scarves-- "i forgot something, one quick thing." she gyllenhaal downstairs, we're waiting, waiting, and she comes up with bright, red lipstick. first, "a," do you think i'm blind. you can't wear lipstick to kindergarten." >> stephen: she wants to do that? >> she wants to wear lipstick. you didn't forget your hairclip or whatever! you put lipstick on!
she's wild. >> they're frightening. they are frightening. >> stephen: yeah. >> probably willa because she's the nuttiest. >> no, i would agree. i was-- i was trying to think of a story that doesn't paint us in a bad light but it butt couldn't come up with one. ( laughter ) remember that time we left them? ah! yeah! >> stephen: did you leave them? >> no, no, no. it wasn't long. ( laughter ). >> stephen: the tv was on! >> yeah. >> stephen: the tv was on. oh, they weren't alone. >> all the classics. >> stephen: you're never alone with the tv. >> no! >> stephen: i hope people right now are baby-sitting their children with this show. >> yes! ( laughter ). >> i think it seems right. it seems right. >> go to bed, you naughty things. >> stephen: now, have you met-- this show, sort of impetus or the point of departure for the show is 10 actual russian spies were caught in the united states. >> correct. >> stephen: couples living sort of normal suburban lives who were actual spies. have you met actual russian spies in preparing for this. >> we have. >> we have. we met with someone who actually
did this. and funny enough, they didn't call them spies back then. they were called "illegals" because ironically enough they were here illegally, doing illegal things. one was called jack barsky. i'm not giving anything away. he did a "60 minutes." he came to set and told us this incredible tale of how he was, you know, taken out by the k.g.b., and trained to assimilate, you know, with-- and to be an american, and became one. >> stephen: do they feel you guys are getting it right? >> he did. he was very complimentary. >> i couldn't believe it. >> yeah. >> yeah. >> he said you were. ( laughter ). >> stephen: well, you're-- your character is far more dedicated. i mean, you're awfully squishy. >> yes, physically as well as emotionally, yes. >> stephen: but sexy. sexy at the same time. >> yes. >> stephen: you're kind of a spy. wriewr not from america. >> no, no! ( laughter ) and ironically enough, i'm here illegally as well. ( laughter ). >> stephen: really? >> yes!
yes! i mean, i have the papers. they're just not real. laug( laughter ). >> stephen: now, you've got some famous fans, famously the obamas were big fans. >> the obamas. >> stephen: of the show how did you find that out? did they call? did they have you investigated? >> we had someone working in our publicity department at the network who used to work at the white house who said, "he's a fan," and they would get him advance copies of our show because he liked to watch it. >> stephen: wow. >> and then we got invited to go on a state dinner because of it. >> stephen: oh, which state dinner? ( laughter ) >> i actually thought he said "steak dinner" so i was-- i was very confused from the moment i set foot in the giant white house. >> stephen: yes? >> it was the-- for the prime minister of singapore. >> stephen: oh, natural for you two. >> yes. >> let's get those two. >> stephen: was it fun? because i went to one. it was amazing. >> which one did you go to? >> france. >> oh, that's a good one.
>> stephen: yeah, yeah. i imagine the wine was very good. >> stephen: the wine was very good. singapore, what did they serve? >> it was amazing. just the whole-- i mean, come on. it was incredible. >> stephen: they don't feed you a lot. there's not a lot of food. >> no, and we have fresh vegetables and-- from the garden. >> her garden. >> stephen: oh, from-- yeah, michelle's organic garden. which has been replaced with just meat racks. >> yes. and a drive-through mcdonald's. ( laughter ). >> stephen: any other unexpected fans, like "oh, that was a surprise to me?" >> my best was, you know, because one of the last tv shows dibefore this was "felift," which was this very nice -- >> stephen, of course, sure. >> college student. she was very nice. but after the first season of this show, i'd be walking down the street in new york city, and construction workers would be like, "yo! i really love you on that show! you really kicked that lady's
ass!" i'm like. it's so much cooler than "if lissity." >> stephen: before it was like, "yo, why don't you cut your hair." >> it was the same man shouting that, shouting both. you changed your tune. >> stephen: that was j.j. abrams' idea wasn't it to cut your hair? do you think he should pay you $5 every time someone says, "why did you cut your hair?" >> i'll pay $5 to anyone still approaching you, "why did you cut your hair?" >> stephen: felicity could put on a wig. >> it's a lot of wigs. >> stephen: it's a lot of wigs and sexy times. >> one informs the other. >> stephen: one informs the other? >> yes, both on and off screen. in my mind's eye, i hasten to add. >> stephen: there's the spin-off. it was lovely to see you again. thank you for being here.
>> thank you for having us. >> stephen: we're looking forward to it. the final season of "the americans" appears march 28 on fx. keri russell and matthew rhys, everybody. we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ tiered cami dress. ♪ race in to old navy for up to fifty percent off all dresses. women's from fifteen dollars. girls' from ten dollars, at old navy.
♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back. ladies and gentlemen, i'm joined once again my the amazing mindy kaling. mindy, thank you for hanging around to be with me again. i know you're busy. you were here to promote "a wrinkle in time." you have "champions" on the "oceans 8" movie and the new baby. i understand you have several other movies you're excited to promote, and i'm equally excited to promote them because i'm in them with you. and the reason why it might be a challenge for us to promote them, is that we do not know
what the movies are. we have not read the scripts. it's just that my graphics department has made up a series of posters for these movies. >> yeah. >> stephen: and we have not seen any of these posters yet. but we're going to take a look, try to remember the plots of these movies, and together generate some buzz. >> yeah. >> stephen: hopefully, get some of these movies made. are you ready to do it? >> yes. >> stephen: are you all ready to do this? ( cheers and applause ) this is "maybe coming soon." ( cheers and applause ) all right, once again, mindy, you and i are both in these movies, but we've never seen these movies and we've never seen these posters. okay. first up, you and i are starring in "forgotten hands." "the untold stfort mathematicians who invented the high-fives." uh-huh. now, i remember that your character in this, you're a
rogue scientist who doesn't obey the rules. >> yeah. >> stephen: and wants to use science to improve sports, i believe. >> yeah, yeah. and, you know, you don't get a chance to be part of something important all the time. you know, doing comedy and things. and in this one, it was just, like, just this seemed like it was really worth it, this story. >> stephen: it's a prestige drama. >> it's a prestige dhama. >> stephen: yeah. >> people said it was-- quote-- stupid. like a waste of time. >> stephen: right, right. >> but the people who invented the high-five need to be-- their stories need to be told. >> stephen: everybody thinks it was sports figures, guys high-fiving apt first base or on basketball courts. it was rogue scientists. >> it was an indian american woman. >> stephen: you know what? it's got one of the most international casts i've ever been in. >> yeah, yeah, and you know -- >> stephen: it's "a beautiful mind," but with less mind. ( laughter ) all right, the next movie-- that
sound look a good one. you guys go see that? ( applause ). >> yeah. >> stephen: this one is really exciting. >> hey, you got to work on the poster a little bit! >> stephen: it's a first draft of the poster. this was-- it's a susan b. antony and vincent van gogh, "time traveling detectives." >> you know, i think people when they go to movies they're like, there's not enough going on. >> stephen: on the poster. >> i want more going on, on the post disple. >> stephen: well, this is exciting. you play suffragette susan b. antony and i play vincent van gogh and we travel through time to find who cut off my ear. >> i thought that was very forward thinking when they wrote the movie was cafght me to play susan b. antony for racial reason s. >> stephen: again, it is the second most diverse movie i've ever been in. >> yeah, and it's crazy that they're not-- they're shelfing this or they won't push it as much forward because this is--
so much going on. >> stephen: let's move on. okay. >> stephen: this one i'm super excited about. it's called "the balloon artiste. of the. >> it's a romantic comedy. something for everybody. >> stephen: you're a mime, clearly. >> i'm a mime in paris. oh, this was the subtitle. we needed to learn french for this one. >> stephen: moi oui. >> that was challenging for me, if i remember. >> stephen: it's sort of based on "my fair lady," or "pygmalion." you're a balloon artist who makes a balloon man and then she falls in love with it. >> yeah, i remember that. and against all of my family saying, "shutry to find a human." >> stephen: right. how will you raise the children. >> raise the children. >> stephen: balloon or human. >> and i'm like, "i don't want to hear about that! i'm in love." >> stephen: right. it has a sad ending, though.
>> yeah air, sad ending. >> stephen: because right after we consummate the relationship you fill him back up with helium and he flies away. >> he flies away. >> stephen: yeah, yeah, starts off funny and it ends sad. >> yeah. ( laughter ) a. >> i love animation. >> stephen: who doesn't. >> i said i want an animated movie. >> stephen: you're a mom now, you want something your kids can see. >> something my kids can see. >> stephen: so we made "good night moon, the horror movie." "warning: not for children." but the kids will find a way in, anyway. they're so smart these days. >> if you like "misery," and you like children's books, this is the movie for you. i don't-- i wasn't sure that the overlap on those two ideas was
that much. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. >> but, yeah, i remember doing the voiceover, it was cool because we never actually-- we never got to shoot together. >> stephen: that's the problem with doing animation, you're never actually in the same room with each other. >> right. >> stephen: i'd have the headphones on, listen to your lines, you were just, like, you know, screaming. >> right. >> stephen: and then you-- you heard me on the other side just weeping. >> ye, right, no. >> stephen: but they kept the verse part, which was great. good night moon, good night, meth. >> yeah. >> stephen: good night old lady whispering, "death!" >> this quiet old lady is whispering, "die." it's sad in a way, this is something people know or say, like that's a common phrase. >> stephen: have you ever read "good night moon?" >> i have read that to my daughter. >> stephen: did she like it? >> she's a little too little. she's mostly burping and farting right now. >> stephen: that's a compliment.
that's a compliment in some countries. >> no! >> stephen: yes! they said it couldn't-- they said they wouldn't make the first one. they actually refused to make the first one. but they went straight to the sequel. it was "when you have a time machine, it's 4:20 everywhere!" >> again, we could do so much with our power. >> stephen: yeah. >> we could stop so much misery in the world. but we decided to party at spring break. "weekend at bernie's" style. >> stephen: well, mindy, look, we could do this for minutes more. ( laughter ) thank you so much for being here. >> thank you! >> stephen: mindy kaling, everybody. all these movies are maybe coming soon. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ at&t gives you more for your thing. your getting serious thing. that moving out of the friend zone, moving in together and getting two of everything thing. those fur babies preparing you for real babies thing.
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a couple more days off, and i'd be john oliver. please enjoy the very best of the last two weeks of "the late show." >> very soon we're going to mars. you wouldn't have been going to mars if my opponent won. that i can tell you. you wouldn't even be thinking about it. ( cheers and applause ) you wouldn't be thinking about it. >> stephen: yes, if hillary clinton were president we wouldn't be so urge ebtly trying to flee the planet. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: you gotta get out! >> stephen: after this revelation yesterday, facebook stock value dropped by $36 billion! or, agz the story was reported on your newsfeed, "facebook's shares tank thanks to hillary pizza sex ring! #benghazi. are you surprised facebook allowed this mining to happen. >> come on. >> stephen: i don't know. i'm not on facebook. >> neither am i. i deleted that thing -- >> stephen: i was never on.
>> you spared yourself people from your past saying, "what you have been up to the past 15 years," and you writing a very long message trying to tell them. >> stephen: i say i'm on tv! >> catch up! catch up! why don't you watch television! ( laughter ). >> stephen: exactly what i said. you just learned there's an asteroid headed toward earth. there's nothing you can do to stop it. ( laughter ) ( applause ) president trump fired secretary of state rex tillerson. and that really, really is a shame because rex tillerson was clearly having such a good time! "the hungry to leave power games"! we bid secretary tillerson a symbolic fair well, by filling this simple wooden coffin. ( laughter )
first, with secretary tillerson. and next, with what he loved most. delicious oil. mmmm! mmm! andrew mccabe fired, a great day for the hardworking men and women of the f.b.i.-- a great day for democracy. sang timoans james comey was his boss and made mccabe look like a choir boy. he knew all about the lies and corruption going on at the highest levels of the f.b.i.!" mr. trump knows a lot about choir boys because everyone who works for him is going to sing. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> everyone's flocking to it. everyone's getting something out of it. i've seen six-year-olds there. little old ladies -- 86 at the church. "i went" you know-- i saw that
"black pantha." >> stephen: because they want to see michael b. jordan with a shirt off. >> i think they do. >> stephen: daniels is trying to get out of an n.d.a. she signed with trump bubutt she must be confident because she already sat down with anderson cooper for a "60 minutes" interview and the nasty rumors are flying. one journalist heard that "daniels suggests that trump likes it when women aren't nice to him, treat him in perhaps denigrating ways." well, i knew trump was a bad president, but i didn't know trump was a bad president! ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> i called into the radio station all the time. and that was, like my first bit into comedy. i would call into the radio station and do different characters when i was like, 12, 13. >> stephen: who would do you? >> i would do chris farley. he was like, "yeah, so, it would just be him asking to hear a song. it would be-- yeah, it was like,
>> jon: wow! >> stephen: right, obviously, we'll show his penis. as long as it's accurate. we want an accurate gnome penis. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show ♪ ladies and gentlemen, all the way from