tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS March 22, 2018 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
if you get a chance, practice your face yoga. >> you look younger already. are you 28 or 29? captioning sponsored by cbs >> the president's lawyer arranged $130,000 in hush money to keep former adult film star stormy daniels from talking about an affair she had with the president in july 2006. the "late show" has acquired hotel security footage from that evening in july 2006. if children are in the room, you may want to cover their eyes. if you are in the room, you may want to pluck out your eyes. ♪ ♪ >> stormy daniels! donald trump! in "commander-in-beef." >> you're a real beauty. >> you selfish jerk. >> hey, babe. >> yes? >> please be gentle. >> sure. >> ah, that's good. i like that. >> all right.
>> ooh, you are so amazing. >> look at the time. >> keep the lights off! trump is getting soft. i mean, this has never happened before. >> is that a cheeseburger? >> nice! >> cool, almost done? >> bing, bing. bong, bong, bing, bing, bing. >> okay! ( cheers and applause ) >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert. tonight, trump's fake news awards. plus, stephen welcomes: sharon stone. rob riggle. and musical guest fall out boy. featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: yeah, whoa! ( cheers and applause )
>> stephen: hey, everybody! please, have a seat! you're very nice! ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( piano riff ) wow! ( cheers and applause ) it has been an exciting 24 hours because, last night, on the verge of a government shutdown, with funding running out on healthcare for nine million children, going toe to toe with a madman with thermonuclear arsenals, donald trump stayed laser-focused-- by announcing the winners of his fake news awards, the fakies. and i'm sad to say, the "late show" was snubbed. ( audience reacts ) yeah, i know. it's hard to take. but at least, for once, we didn't lose to john oliver. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) we really tried to win.
we tried. i mean, we ran an aggressive "for your consideration" campaign, including this real, actual giant billboard in times square. we just assumed trump would see it, because times square has his two favorite things: fast food and a hint of urine. ( laughter ) ( audience oohs ) allegedly. allegedly! allegedly! ( laughter ) a lot of trump fans here tonight. that's nice. it's going to be a smooth evening. ( laughter ) like everything with donald trump, this awards ceremony was overhyped and underwhelming. it was supposed to be-- he pumped this as a big event. but in the end, the president just tweeted "and the fake news winners are, dot-dot-dot..." with a link. and when you clicked the link, it took you to the g.o.p. website which said, "404 error." ( laughter ) yes. "presidency not found." ( laughter ) and i'm not making that up.
that's the actual website. that's so embarrassing. i mean, who set that up? >> i have so many websites, i have them all over the place. i hire people, they do a website, it cost me $3. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you were overcharged. ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) so, the g.o.p. page it was on crashed, presumably due to high traffic volume. makes sense. www.gop.com was only built to receive email from reince priebus' mom-- who i assume is named floreince sheibus. ( laughter ) that joke doesn't mean anything. i just really like the mockup. on the "fox & friends," foxy friend steve doocy described the website crash this way: >> from fake news to break news, because it broke the internet when the fake news awards were released. >> stephen: no, he didn't break the internet. his website just sucks.
( laughter ) but, but, see, thank you for saying "broke the internet," which gave us an excuse to make this. ( laughter ) drink it in. drink it in. eventually, they did get the site up and running. so, ladies and gentleman, welcome to the first annual donald j. trump fakie awards! and, it's a poorly-formatted p.d.f. of stories trump considered "fake news." there isn't even a trophy. you can't just make a list and call it awards. "honey, we're out of milk. i guess i'll just add that to the grocery awards." ( laughter ) so, who was the big winner? a drum roll, please. ( drum roll ) number one, because major awards are always numbered: the "new york times'" paul krugman, for his article claiming the economy would never recover from a trump presidency! damn! i really thought it would be "lady bird." ( laughter ) that was a good movie.
but, paul krugman, in my opinion, should not even be eligible. first of all, it's an editorial, mr. president, and opinions can't be fake. second, everybody in the op-ed game knows, krugman is juicing. he's not-- ( laughter ) he's disqualified! ( laughter ) now, according-- ( laughter ) that was a surprisingly disturbing image just now. ( laughter ) now, according to the www.gop.com, these awards had to happen because, since trump was elected, the media has spent 90% of the time focused on negative coverage. well, yeah! trump is bad at being president 90% of the time. just this week, we're preparing... ( cheers and applause ) i mean, i'm not making this up! just this week, we are preparing for a government shutdown, found out trump had an affair with a
porn star, and almost lost hawaii. it's only thursday! ( laughter ) of course-- yes. yes, almost lost hawaii! ( applause ) ( piano riff ) no, no, stop, thank you! you're very kind. of course, the fakies, the fake news awards, might have been the last thing this government ever does because, we could be just a little more than 24 hours away from the government shutting down. now, it's hard to know who's to blame. is it the republican majority who hates government, or the democratic minority who don't? six of one, we refuse to fund the half dozen other. there's no way. there was one last-ditch effort to find a bipartisan solution. republicans offered democrats six years of funding for the children's health insurance program, or chip. but, as part of the deal, they included getting rid of a bunch of taxes that pay for obamacare. nancy pelosi wasn't impressed: >> as i said to you, this is a-- this is like giving you a bowl
of doggy doo, put a cherry on top, and call it a chocolate sundae. ( laughter ) >> jon: mmm, mmm! >> stephen: or as donald trump described it-- >> the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake you've ever seen. ( laughter and applause ) >> stephen: oh, yeah. >> jon: i want that cake! >> stephen: got to try it at mar-a-lago, sounds nice. the deal still might have gone through, but donald trump snatched defeat from the jaws of helping children, tweeting, "chip should be part of a long- term solution, not a 30-day, or short-term, extension!" leading lindsay graham to say, "we don't have a reliable partner at the white house." or that could have been melania. either way, they're both pretty upset. and, one g.o.p. source described the trump white house as, "the most feckless bunch of boobs
i've ever encountered." yeah, that's actually what the physician said about trump's chest x-ray. ( laughter ) perfectly healthy, though. perfectly. ( laughter and applause ) nothing? nothing? ( rim shot ) thank you. what does a man have to do for a rim shot? remember-- i can say rim shot on cbs, right? ( laughter ) and remember, it's not just chip the president torpedoed. he already threw all hope of compromise on daca into the ( bleep )-hole. so yesterday, white house chief of staff and shop teacher telling you to quit horsing around with that buzzsaw, john kelly, met with the congressional hispanic caucus to try to smooth things over on immigration. though, he may not have been the best choice to talk to the hispanics caucus, considering that kelly once considered separating immigrant parents from their accompanying children, a move that led the "new york times" to call him "the deacon of deportation." ( audience reacts )
in this corner, the deacon of deportation, the sultan of swat teams, john "the ice team cometh" kelly! ( applause ) and at the meeting, general kelly said that when trump campaigned on building the wall, his promises were in fact, "not fully informed." which is a very optimistic way of saying "fully of crap." ( laughter ) which, i've got to say, is the sort of thing the president usually finds insulting, and lashes out. but this time, he chose to be the bigger man, stayed focused on bringing all sides together, and remained silent. i'm just kidding. ( laughter ) no. he tweeted, "the wall is the wall." yeah, he knows that because it was on his cognitive test. ( laughter ) "what's that?
yes, the wall is the wall. and that's a rhinoceros. it's like a wall with a pokey nose. ( laughter ) can i have my cookie now?" ( laughter ) but the president tweeted on, "it has never changed or evolved from the first day i conceived of it." he's right. the wall promise is just as real now as the day he yanked it out of his keister. ( laughter ) and, he continued to continue, "parts will be, of necessity, see-through, and it was never intended to be built in areas where there is natural protection such as mountains, wastelands or tough rivers." i believe "tough rivers" was a frequent costar of "stormy daniels." ( laughter ) yes. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) first it was stormy, and then tough. thank you. thank you. peabody, please! ( laughter ) and there was more.
"the wall will be paid for, directly or indirectly, or through longer-term reimbursement, by mexico, which has a ridiculous $71 billion trade surplus with the u.s. the $20 billion wall is peanuts compared to what mexico makes from the u.s. nafta is a bad joke!" no, mr. president, this is a bad joke: how many donald trumps does it take to screw in a lightbulb? we'll never know because, after he screws something, he gives it a $130,000 not to tell anybody. ( audience reacts ) ( cheers and applause ) and-- ( cheers and applause ) thank you! thank you! it's been a long time! it's nice. there you go. and, finally, finally, finally. finally, he laid down the law. "if there is no wall, there is no deal!" yep, it's all described in his
best-selling book, "the art of the no wall." ( laughter ) the inability to reach a deal in d.c. is increasingly infuriating, especially to louisiana senator and male lipstick model, john kennedy. see, kennedy's concerned that congress' failure to come together is having unforeseen consequences. >> this stuff's the reason the aliens won't talk to us. you know, they look at us and they go, "god, this is the united states congress." >> stephen: okay. and even if they did talk to us, how would that go? "take me to your leader." "actually, guys, how about we bring our leader to you, and then you take him wherever you want? that'd be good for us. just probe away. just, get in there." ( cheers and applause ) we have a great show for you tonight! sharon stone is here! but when we return, i put on a big furry hat. stick around! ( cheers and applause )
c(puppy barks) you can do it duck. hurry up duck! you can do it duck. iams. helps keep your dog healthy at every stage. so you can always look forward to what's next. man:the world made war,rry. my parents made love. and i screamed into life. ♪ did mom give me too much freedom? did dad make me lust for too great an adventure? my scars and bruises tell their own story. so here's to you, mom and dad. freedom and adventure.
discpump, foam, hydrate care foaming body wash. new dove men + care foaming body wash brushing only reaches 25% of your mouth. listerine® cleans virtually 100%. helping to prevent gum disease and bad breath. never settle for 25%. always go for 100. bring out the bold™ you get another for your friend. a samsung galaxy s9, and with galaxy forever you can upgrade to the newest galaxy every year. upgrades, every year? every year. every year. every year. sign up for galaxy forever on sprint for people with hearing loss, and get the newest galaxy, every year. visit sprintrelay.com. it's like pre-ordering for the future. music ends. you ok there, kurt? we're about to move. karate helps... relieve some of the house-buying...
stress. at least you don't have to worry about homeowners insurance. call geico. geico... helps with... homeowners insurance? been doing it for years. i'm calling geico right now. good idea! get to know geico. and see how easy homeowners and renters insurance can be. ♪ the only match for grandma's salsa recipe was glad. it has febreze freshness that neutralizes the toughest odors with the irresistible scent of gain. every bag tells a story. be happy, it's glad.
we need to be ready for my name's scott strenfel and r i'm a meteorologist at pg&e. we make sure that our crews as well as our customers are prepared to how weather may impact their energy. so every single day we're monitoring the weather, and when storm events arise our forecast get crews out ahead of the storm to minimize any outages. during storm season we want our customers to be ready and stay safe. learn how you can be prepared at pge.com/beprepared. together, we're building a better california.
( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: jon batiste and "stay human"! ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: happy, happy! >> stephen: jon, you're looking good! please have a seat, everybody. you're too nice to us! happy... thursday! it says thursday on my script. sometimes i can't tell whether it's thursday or friday. i don't know why. >> jon: yeah, we're just in the zone, you know. >> stephen: i'm not sure what day it is, some days. because every day is just show day for me. >> jon: right, you're just that focused. you're in the zone. >> stephen: you're here for me, i'm here for you. we're here for these people, these people are here for us. ( cheers and applause ) it's a community. it's less a show; it's less a show, it's more a community, you
know? >> jon: that's right, yes. >> stephen: and you know, there is one thing about this job, jon. >> jon: yeah, you've got a lot of power. >> stephen: i've got enormous power. thank you for saying that. >> jon: you got a whole lot of power, man. >> stephen: yeah, it's almost frightening, the tremendous power i wield, sometimes. >> jon: yeah, as a tv host, you have so much power. >> stephen: i've got to be careful where i point this thing, you know what i mean? >> jon: right, because that's where the money is. >> stephen: it's loaded. it's the money gun. >> jon: yeah, boom! >> stephen: and, you know, i have as much power as some of histories' most ruthless tyrants-- genghis khan, kim jong-un, melania trump. ( laughter ) we all have two things in common: we want to escape this nightmare, and we all have a big furry hat! ( cheers and applause ) ( drum beat ) ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause )
>> stephen: now that this hat is upon mine head, any and all proclamations i make are now and forever law. let us begin. ( drum beat ) ( laughter ) starting now, if you clap at the end of a movie, you must stand up and explain to the audience why you think the movie hears you. ( laughter ) from now on, any u.s. president who's accused by 16 women of sexual misconduct must be immediately replaced by christopher plummer. ( cheers and applause ) now and forever! on the way to their seats, first class passengers must first walk through a private plane, to see how much better those people have it. ( laughter and applause )
from now on, college is free, but talking about what college you attended after the age of 25 comes with a fine of $100,000. ( cheers and applause ) any mug reading "don't talk to me till i've had my coffee" must now be replaced with one reading "i'm the acceptable kind of drug addict." ( laughter ) and, decaf coffee shall be called by its real name: disappointment water. ( laughter and applause ) unless he finally releases a men's fragrance, elon musk is legally required to change his name. ( laughter and applause ) from this day forth, after a prayer, instead of "amen," we shall now proclaim "a-women!" ( cheers and applause )
because christianity is already a bit of a sausage fest! ( laughter ) be it decreed and obeyed: there shall be invented a cup that allows me to drink alcohol in a fully prone position, and it shall be available for purchase before the state of the union. the hat has spoken! we'll be back with sharon stone! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )c) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
we can go down this what do you think? ♪ "never been in love" by cobra starship feat. iconapop ♪ woo! yeah! it's good! it's refreshing. ♪ this is what our version of financial planning looks like. tomorrow is important, but she's only seven once. spend your life living. find an advisor at northwesternmutual.com. peninsula trail? you won't find that on a map. i'll take you there. take this left. if you listen real hard you can hear the whales. oop. you hear that? (vo) our subaru outback lets us see the world. sometimes in ways we never imagined. (avo) get 0% apr financing on all-new 2018 subaru outback models.
yes, you like motorcycles.cles? should i start a mcy yes! you really like motorcycles! should i make a squarespace website for it? yes, they're very good websites. but why am i in the desert talking to myself? don't ask me. ♪ ok. [motorcycle revs away] ♪ music fades ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: that's nice. hey! welcome back, everybody! my first guest is a hollywood icon, who now stars in hbo's new show, "mosaic." please welcome sharon stone! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
( cheers and applause ) >> howdy! >> stephen: hey! how are you? thanks for being back! >> i'm just swell. thanks for having me. >> stephen: i like your sparkly jacket. >> thank you very much. >> stephen: are those-- what are those, bees? >> they are bees, i think. >> stephen: mm-hmm. >> yes, we should save the bees. >> stephen: i'll talk about colony collapse disorder right now, if you want. we can do it. >> let's go! >> stephen: okay, that sounds good. i wish more guests did that. ( laughter ) it's-- you haven't-- it's been a while since you have been here. but, last time you were here, we had a different president. i had different eyeglasses. >> could we go back to that time? >> stephen: i wish. i wish, in our dreams. >> i really liked that president. >> stephen: i think the way back is forward, myself. but you also have gone through something extraordinary since
the last time i saw you. i found out recently-- you went to college when you were 15, because you were a smarty pants. >> well, i wasn't that smart, because i quit. >> stephen: but since the last time you were here, you graduated from college. congratulations. >> i did. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's wonderful. >> thank you. thank you. >> stephen: was it something-- did you always have in the back of your mind, i'm going to go do this? >> no. you know, when hillary was running, she said some things about, you can be everything that you want to be. >> stephen: yeah. >> and i thought, you know what? i could do this. and so, i called my university and i spoke to them about it, and they arranged a way for me to complete my courses online and also with them, and i decided to finish. i only had three credits left to do. >> stephen: oh, that's great. >> and i finished my degree. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's wonderful. that's wonderful. what is your degree in, may i ask? >> humanities. >> stephen: humanities. okay, that's good. i'm a human. i'm in favor of that. ( cheering ) you were, you were actually at
the recent golden globes, here, here with your son. right there. very happy young man to be there with his beautiful mother. now, this year, of course, the story in the entire nation and part of the national conversation, but especially in hollywood, is about the metoo movement and time's up. and i have to imagine that you worked extremely hard to fight some of the injustices and some of the barriers that were put up against women in hollywood. what were some of the hardest battles you fought and how did you win them? >> well, i think that, as my career went on, we fought-- my manager chuck, at the time-- we fought to get paid. >> stephen: sure. >> which was a big battle. you know, i had to decide if i was willing not to work, to get paid. and we fought, and ultimately, the producer i was going to work with next, mike metavoy, and i
had this really amazing conversation, and he said, i'm not going to pay you for that movie. and i said, then find me another movie you will pay me for. and we started laughing, and he was like, you know, stone, you drive a hard bargain, and he paid me. and he and i have become best of friends over the years. and he was really fair with me. and he was a great guy, and he helped me break that barrier. >> stephen: and i understand that one of the things that you tried to do over the years is try to get people to say, "no, don't-- cast me in that part that you imagined for a man." >> yeah, sometimes i'll read a script and there's just no women in it. i'll say, yeah, this is a pretty man-heavy movie, and i see a part, or two, in there that i think that i could play. will you call the producers and see if someone will see me for this part or that part. >> stephen: was there a particular part you remember, that you got flipped from male to female? like, "basic instinct," was that supposed to be-- ( laughter ) let's talk about your new show on hbo. it's called "mosaic." >> yeah. >> stephen: and it's not only a
show on hbo, but it's also an app. >> yeah, it's-- >> stephen: how can it be both a show and an app? >> well, it's really exciting because, well, stephen soderberg is, i mean, without being one of these people who everyone that says is a genius, he actually is a genius. and he's so innovative and so exciting, and he had this idea with the writer ed sullivan, who wrote films like "men in black" and "ted," and these, kind of wonderful things. and they had an idea to make a show that could be an app that you buy on your iphone. and the first-- they're all 23-minute segments. the first one is like the pilot, and the second one, if you think of it like the way you see a family tree, it branches down, and you, then you choose the narrative. and so, it's a murder mystery. and if you look at it like you're the detective, the audience is the detective, you decide where you want to go, to look for your result. and, as you watch these branching narratives, you will, as the detective, resolve the murder.
and i'm the murderer-- the dead person. i'm the dead person. >> stephen: you're the murder- ee. >> the murder-ee. >> stephen: the murder-ee. >> and so, that's not really giving away anything. and it's really, it's fascinating. it's just fascinating. >> stephen: are there different endings, based upon a path you choose? is it like a choose-your-own- adventure? >> i don't really want to say. >> stephen: okay, then don't. >> but, not exact-- mmm. mmm. >> stephen: mmm. mmm. >> stephen: mm-hmm. >> mmm. >> stephen: mm-hmm. ( laughter ) >> but on hbo, starting monday the 22 for five nights, there is a linear series, and that's a little bit different. so you can see one and the other, and not feel that you're, that it's a redundant experience for you. >> stephen: we have a clip here. you're playing a character named olivia lake. >> and i think on the clip you're going to see, paul rubens played my best friend and became my dear friend in the process of making this film.
and on this, i just discovered that the guy that i'm in love with has, in some way, betrayed me, and i just have had it. and i call him, because he's gone on vacation for the holidays, thinking that i will be fine, because i'm with, finally, the love of my life. and i realize that i'm-- and so, i call him. >> stephen: jim? >> my choices in men-- including specifically you, in this moment. i cannot believe that i let you go away this one new year's eve. i mean, you should know me well enough by now to know that i didn't mean it. ( chuckles ) ( crying ) i lost my train. men. yeah, men.
yeah. >> stephen: profound. men. >> men. >> stephen: yeah. >> yeah. ( applause ) >> stephen: well, we've got to go here, but i want to say one more thing, involving a man. i have a little clip here that i hope you can explain to me. i don't know what year this is, but you were at a dinner, a charity event, in which vladimir putin got up and did this. can we see this? >> okay. ♪ i found my thrill on blueberry hill ♪ on blueberry hill >> stephen: okay. >> yes, i was. >> stephen: you were there with other stars, like, kevin costner was there, goldie hawn was there. what were you doing in a room with vladimir putin, singing "blueberry hill," and have you been subpoenaed by mueller yet? >> you know, i go to some pretty cool places, just first of all. but had putin invited us all to
come to russia, which i have to say is a very beautiful place to go. >> stephen: it is. >> and we went, and we went to raise money for a hospital for the children's oncology ward, at christmas time. and it was an extraordinary experience, to go and see all of these children who were in the late stages of cancer. and we raised a lot of money to help that hospital. and so, to thank us, he gave this dinner party and sang "blueberry hill." and when he did, i was seated a little bit far back in the room. and when i saw this happening, i got up, walked to the front, took a chair from the front of the table, and pulled it right up to the stage, because i thought, i want to be in the front row to see this. ( laughter ) >> stephen: we're all in the front row now. >> we are. >> stephen: well, sharon, it was lovely to see you again. >> nice to see you. >> stephen: "mosaic" premieres january 22 on hbo, or watch it now on the mosaic app! sharon stone, everybody!
we'll be right back with rob riggle. most people, i look lik. ...most people. but on the inside, i feel chronic, widespread pain. fibromyalgia may be invisible to others, but my pain is real. fibromyalgia is thought to be caused by overactive nerves. lyrica is believed to calm these nerves. i'm glad my doctor prescribed lyrica. for some, lyrica delivers effective relief from moderate to even severe fibromyalgia pain, and improves function. lyrica may cause serious allergic reactions, suicidal thoughts or actions. tell your doctor right away if you have these, new or worse depression, unusual changes in mood or behavior, swelling, trouble breathing, rash, hives, blisters, muscle pain with fever, tired feeling, or blurry vision. common side effects: dizziness, sleepiness, weight gain, swelling of hands, legs and feet. don't drink alcohol while taking lyrica. don't drive or use machinery until you know how lyrica affects you. those who've had a drug or alcohol problem may be more likely to misuse lyrica. with less pain i can do more with my family.
talk to your doctor today. see if lyrica can help. [music: "imagi-nation" by andrew simple] talk to your doctor today. (whistle) woo! [sfx: zip] ♪ with imagination, yeah yeah yeah ♪ ♪ with imagination sc johnson i had a very minor fender bender tonight! in an unreasonably narrow fast food drive thru lane. but what a powerful life lesson. and don't worry i have everything handled. i already spoke to our allstate agent, and i know that we have accident forgiveness. which is so smart on your guy's part. like fact that they'll just... forgive you... four weeks without the car. okay, yup. good night. with accident forgiveness your rates won't go up just because of an accident. switching to allstate is worth it. brushing only reaches 25% of your mouth. listerine® cleans virtually 100%. helping to prevent gum disease and bad breath. never settle for 25%.
♪ ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! ladies and gentlemen, my next guest tonight is a comedian you know from "the daily show," "the hangover," and "21 jump street." please welcome rob riggle! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, man, nice to see you. >> nice to see you! >> stephen: yeah, it's always pleasant to spend time with you. it's like old home week. >> it is! >> stephen: listen, i-- the movie we're going to talk about tonight, which is called "12 strong"... >> yes. >> stephen: which is about u.s. marines going into afghanistan after the attacks on 9/11. >> right. >> stephen: okay, we'll get to that in a minute. i want to talk about you. because some people may know, some people may not-- you were a marine. >> mm-hmm.
( cheers and applause ) >> audience member: ah-oo! >> ah-oo! ( applause ) >> stephen: and i understand, you also, you trained to be, what was it, a fighter pilot? >> yes, that's how i started. >> stephen: okay. you're really tall for a fighter pilot. aren't they usually kind of smaller, more compact kind of guys? to handle the gs? >> yeah. and to handle the ejection seat. >> stephen: is that really a big part of it? >> that's actually-- you actually have to sit in a jet, and they measure you from your hip to your knee, from your knee to your heel. because, you know, if you eject out of-- if you're too tall and you eject out of a jet, it's going to take your legs. so, they've got to make sure. >> stephen: what's the max height? >> i think-- it's surprising, i was shocked. it's like, six-five or six-six. >> stephen: oh, wow. >> yeah, you can be a stretch. you can be a long man. >> stephen: and so, how-- >> or woman. >> stephen: so, but you-- you did all that training, and then, didn't become a fighter pilot? >> that's right. i wanted to pursue comedy and acting. ( laughter ) >> stephen: very similar. very similar. >> very similar! >> stephen: how many gs do you pull, bro? >> to be honest with you, i went up and i flew with the blue
angels, and i pulled 7.5gs. ( cheers and applause ) and that wasn't a problem, until they did it for about a minute, and then i passed out. >> stephen: mm-hmm. here, let me just get your tie, right here. >> it keeps doing that, doesn't it? i'm sorry! >> stephen: that's a full service thing we've got, here. ( laughter ) i mean, it's no big deal-- it's no big deal, but i pulled 9gs. >> what? >> stephen: yep. >> no, you didn't. >> stephen: thunder birds, baby. >> did you, really? >> stephen: pulled 9gs with the thunderbirds. i'm still waiting for it to seem like a good idea. >> did you pass out? >> stephen: no, i had the compression suit. >> ah. >> stephen: i had the compression suit on. >> ah. >> stephen: did you not wear the compression suit? >> i didn't wear the compression suit. ( laughter ) >> stephen: explain to the people what the compression suit is. >> it's called a g suit, for gravity or whatever. but what happens is, when you go into a hard g, a positive g, it inflates. it fills up with air, it goes, shwooph, like that, it fills up. and it pushes on your muscles, and pushes all the blood back to your head, because what happens is, when you pull gs, all that blood drains out of your head and you go to sleep. >> stephen: right. >> unless you-- and they teach
you methods, like the hook method, which you go, hook-ah, hook-ah! and you look ridiculous, but it keeps the blood in your head. >> stephen: and they told me to breathe in, like... >> yep. ( breathing in and out ) i mean, you look ridiculous, but you stay awake. >> stephen: at what point are you no longer human with the gs? >> well, when i went up with the blue angels, they didn't give me a g suit, which i did ask for. ( laughter ) you know. i've flown before-- >> stephen: you went up, just as-- for fun? >> yeah, yeah. and i went up, and i said, do i get a g suit? they said, no, no, no. i was like, ohh.. kay... ( laughter ) and-- but, then we did the whole syllabus. i mean, we were doing simulated bombing runs, we were doing aileron, we did the whole aerobatics syllabus, we were, we were getting some, right? >> stephen: sure. >> i mean, for about 70 minutes, we're out there hooking and jabbing. and finally on the way back, he goes, we're going to do a short break, which means, it's a landing pattern, but instead of going the full race track around, they cut it off halfway through and they do a short landing. blah, blah. anyway, he says, we're going to do a short break. i knew what that meant, but i
was literally so weak. i was like, okay... that's about all i could muster. okay... and he goes, all right, here we go, hoo-ah! and he threw it over! and we-- vwoosh! and we just loaded up all these gs. and i go, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, and i just melted. and i remember saying ugh, ugh, ugh, and the next thing i know, i hear, "rob, you with me? rob, you good? rob, you good?" and i'm like, yeah, why? what's the big deal? what's your problem? >> stephen: did they have a camera on you? >> yeah, they had a camera on me. >> stephen: and you saw yourself? >> all right, here. you can go to funnyordie.com and look it up. it's called "my blue angels audition tape," or "top gun 2 audition tape." and that's why we made it. but, i literally-- in that 15 seconds that i was out cold, i had a full dream, a full front-- there was a beginning, a middle and an end. and i was happy, and i woke up peaceful and content. and it was a lovely dream, if i recall. it was lovely. >> stephen: did you pop? did you throw up? >> i did not throw up. i was pretty good about that.
>> stephen: i went up for 45 minutes, and i thought i was fine because it was just, like, too painful to even consider throwing up. 45 minutes i was fine, until he said, "okay, we're done, we're headed back to the base," and then i was like, what? ( laughter ) i threw up-- i threw up for three hours. >> did you really? >> stephen: i got back, they put-- they had to strip me to the waist and pack my torso with ice, to try to bring my body temperature down, because i had freaked out so hard. i mean, honest to god, i'm almost in tears remembering how much-- ( laughter ) how stupid i thought i was. like, i thought i'd killed myself! >> yeah! no, i get it, i get it. because, when we taxied in, they popped the canopy and the, you know, the young pilot jumped out and was like, zippedy-doo-dah! and just jumped down on the ground. and i, literally, i was like, "yeah," and i couldn't get out! i was just like, i'm just taking a beat. i'm just taking a beat. i just want to look at the cockpit one more time, it's amazing! yeah, that's what it is. >> stephen: okay, well, let's talk about the movie. >> okay. >> stephen: okay, the movie is "12 strong." >> yes. >> stephen: and this is about marines being sent in to the
kandahar, to the... >> to be fair, it's army. army special forces. >> stephen: okay, i apologize. i apologize. >> it was an army mission. >> stephen: i apologize. don't make that mistake. >> yeah, that's a distinction. but it was army special forces. these were the guys, the first responders, in my opinion. you know, they were the first boots on the ground, the first guys to take the fight to the taliban and al qaeda right after 9/11. so we're talking october of 2001, these were the guys first in. and at that time, the northern alliance, their leader mussad had been assassinated two days before 9/11, on september 9, as payment to the taliban. so al qaeda assassinated him, and then they attacked us on the 11th. so the northern alliance was actually very fragile, they could have fallen apart, but we needed them. they were already fighting the taliban, so we joined up with them. and what these guys did with what they had, where they were, is truly, probably unprecedented in military history. it was-- >> stephen: they went in on horseback? >> they fought on horseback against mechanized weaponry, and they did things that had never been done in 21st century warfare.
they really did some amazing-- and their whole mission was classified, for years! finally, 17 years later, you're getting to hear the story. >> stephen: and who do you play in this? >> i play lieutenant colonel max bowers, he was the commanding officer of third battalion, fifth special forces group. now, this story takes place in october in november of 2001, a young captain, rob riggle, reported to afghanistan, to third battalion, fifth special forces group, and i worked directly for lieutenant colonel max bowers. so i'm playing my old boss. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's fantastic. >> yeah. >> stephen: well, we have a clip here, where a young, up-and- coming actor is reporting to you. >> yes. >> stephen: and, here we go, jim. >> why are you here, out of uniform, with that fur on your face? didn't you get back from kuwait like three weeks ago? >> sir, apologies. technically, i'm still on leave. >> well, if you're here today, leave is over. take a look around, captain. we're a little busy. what do you want? >> i want back on my team, sir. >> you don't have a team. you have been rotated to my staff-- at your request, by the way. all right?
you'll be filtered into new o.d.a.s when the opportunities arise. if i were you, i would get back to your desk and start studying intel on afghanistan. >> taliban sponsored the attack, sir? >> al qaeda planned this attack. they have refuge in afghanistan. >> the middle east is our assigned region, sir. >> really? i didn't know that! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: fantastic. fantastic. >> well. i'm glad they used that take, because there were many takes where i just said "kiss me." ( laughter ) to mr. hemsworth. >> stephen: outtakes? outtakes, or blooper reel. >> and they're like, rob, that's not the line. i go, i'm sorry. can we go back to one, please? >> stephen: did you ever call him thor? >> i did, i did. >> stephen: oh, okay. did he like that? >> yeah, he loved it, actually. he's a really-- his cup runeth over. he's funny, he's nice, he's cool, he's awesome. >> stephen: he's good-looking. >> he's-- yeah, like i said, his cup runeth over. >> stephen: rob riggle? >> yeah? >> stephen: kiss me. ( laughter ) rob, good to see you. ( cheers and applause ) "12 strong" premieres tomorrow. rob riggle, everybody! we'll be right back with a performance by fall out boy.
uh-huh. nobody drinks, 'till this guy sweats. degree advanced protection works up to 100°. but be careful, it won't let you down. only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. they release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. tylenol® thisat red lobsterest. with exciting new dishes like dueling lobster tails and lobster truffle mac & cheese. classics like lobster lover's dream are here too. so enjoy these 10 lobsterlicious dishes while you can because lobsterfest won't last.
♪ ♪ (vo) you can pass down a subaru forester. but you get to keep the memories. love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru. (avo) get 0% apr financing on all new 2018 subaru forester models. now through april 2nd. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) discover card. customer service! ma'am. this isn't a computer... wait. you're real? with discover card, you can talk to a real person in the u.s., like me, anytime. wow. this is a recording. caller: really? no, i'm kidding. 100% u.s.-based customer service,
here to help, not to sell. ep your family active? get to kohl's where under armour for the entire family is 25% off! and get kohl's cash for you! take 25% off select under armour tees, shorts, shoes and more! under armour for your family - kohl's cash for you! only at kohl's! coming at you with my brand-new vlog. just making some ice in my freezer here. so check back for that follow-up vid. this is my cashew guy bruno. holler at 'em, brun. kicking it live and direct here at the fountain. should i go habanero or maui onion? should i buy a chinchilla? comment below. did i mention i save people $620 for switching? chinchilla update -- got that chinchilla after all. say what up, rocco. ♪ say what up, rocco. i thought i was managing my moderate to severe crohn's disease. then i realized something was missing... me. my symptoms were keeping me from being there.
so, i talked to my doctor and learned humira is for people who still have symptoms of crohn's disease after trying other medications. and the majority of people on humira saw significant symptom relief and many achieved remission in as little as 4 weeks. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. before treatment, get tested for tb. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if you've had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flu-like symptoms or sores. don't start humira if you have an infection. be there for you, and them. ask your gastroenterologist about humira. with humira, remission is possible.
♪ ♪ ♪ oh, na, na, na, na na, na, na, na ♪ i never really feel a thing i'm just kinda too frozen ♪ you were the only one that even kinda came close ♪ i just pinch myself no longer comatose ♪ i woke up, no luck i woke up, no luck ♪ and when your stitch comes loose ♪ i wanna sleep on every piece of fuzz ♪ and stuffing that comes out of you ♪ you i took too many hits ♪ off this memory i need to come down ♪ oh, na, na, na, na na, na, na, na ♪ another day goes by so hold me tight ♪ hold me tight or don't
♪ oh, no, no, no this isn't how our story ends ♪ so hold me tight hold me tight or don't ♪ oh, na, na, na, na na, na, na, na ♪ na, na, na, na oh, na, na, na, na ♪ na, na, na, na na, na, na, na ♪ i got too high again realized i can't not be with you ♪ or be just your friend i love you to death ♪ but i just can't i just can't pretend ♪ we weren't lovers first confidants ♪ but never friends were we ever friends? ♪ but when your stitch comes loose ♪ i wanna sleep on every piece of fuzz ♪ and stuffing that comes out of you ♪ you i took too many hits ♪ off this memory i need to come down ♪ oh, na, na, na, na
na, na, na, na ♪ another day goes by so hold me tight ♪ hold me tight or don't ♪ oh, no, no, no this isn't how our story ends ♪ so hold me tight hold me tight or don't ♪ oh, na, na, na, na na, na, na, na ♪ na, na, na, na na, na, na, na ♪ hold me tight or don't ♪ 'cause i'm past the limits the distance between us ♪ it sharpens me like a knife ♪ past the limits the distance between us ♪ it sharpens me like a knife ♪ oh, na, na, na, na na, na, na, na ♪ another day goes by
so hold me tight ♪ hold me tight or don't ♪ i'm pretty sure that this isn't how our story ends ♪ so hold me tight hold me tight ♪ hold me tight or don't ♪ oh, na, na, na, na na, na, na, na ♪ na, na, na, na oh, na, na, na, na ♪ na, na, na, na na, na, na, na ♪ ( whistling ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: fall out boy, everybody! we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
>> stephen: that's it for the "late show," everybody. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show ( cheers and applause )