tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS April 12, 2018 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
you will be blog, though. >> it is called vloging with a "v". [ laughter ] captioning sponsored by cbs >> breaking news in our politics lead. the doorman reportedly paid to keep quiet abouten a salacious and unproven story that president trump fathered a child out of wedlock is confirming all the details to cnn. ♪ >> he's a terrible recycler. he never remembers to sort his plastic from his incriminating documents. trump salutes me eevery morning because he thinks i'm the general of the doors. he once asked me to spank him with a rolled up jay crew catalog. we had strict instructions not to let the f.b.i. in or melania out.
eric trump was created on the island of dr. moreau. it almost worked, too. >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert." stephen welcomes diane sawyer, joshua jackson and musical guest john prine featuring sturgill simpson and brandi carlile, with jon batiste and "stay human." and now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ stephen: beautiful. hey! thank you very much! got that right there.
please, have a seat! welcome one and all to "the late show." i'm your host stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) ladies and gentlemen, stop the presses, okay. do we still do a print version of the show anymore? overseas. okay. now. ( laughter ) because just before i came out here, james comey news broke. apparently, in his new book, comey reveals that, while he was still in office, president trump asked him to investigate the pee tape to reassure melania. according to comey, "he brought up what he called the 'golden showers thing' and adding that it bothered him if there was 'even a 1% chance' his wife, melania, thought it was true." yeah, it would bother him because she'd be off by about 99%. ( laughter ) in the book, comey wonders why trump would need to give his wife that kind of reassurance, claiming there is "zero chance"
comey's own wife would believe such a claim. oh, come on. sanctimonious much, james comey? not everyone's lucky enough to be in one of those rare, fairytale marriages with a 100% no-hooker-pee pee guarantee. ( laughter ) it's in the vows! ( cheers and applause ) yes. for better or worse. for richer or poorer. for cleaning up the sheets. it's all in there! ( laughter ) of course, how does comey feel about trump's request to track down whether the pee tape is real? >> lordy, i hope there are tapes. >> stephen: me too, james. me too. by the way, if you want to know more about this, please join us tuesday because james comey will be our guest sitting right over there.
( cheers and applause ) a lot to talk about. ever since the election, people have been speculating whether trump's presidency would be taken down by what he did with a member of the russian government. but it turns out that he may go down because of what he did with his member. ( laughter ) i'll tell you more about it in tonight's "stormy watch." ♪ ( cheers and applause ) faithful "stormy watchers" know that trump's lawyer michael cohen personally shelled out $130 grand to keep stormy hushed. but he and trump also had help from their friend, "national enquirer" publisher and guy whose name is a little too on the nose, david pecker. ( laughter ) mr. pecker had a scheme to protect trump, where he would pay women for their stories and then never publish them. a practice known in the publishing industry as "catch and kill." the same thing eric trump does with leopards.
( audience reacts ) true story. >> jon: wow, wow. >> stephen: this is the tactic the tabloid pulled with "playboy" playmate karen mcdougal in august of 2016, when they paid her $150,000 for her story about a nine-month affair with trump and then never published an article about it. wait, 150 g's to keep quiet about a nine-month affair? stormy daniels got almost that much, and she only had to have sex with donald trump "once!" these women need to unionize. ( laughter ) you know? ( cheering ) ( applause ) union strong! come together and form the local 104 " regretful donald trump spankers intersectionespankers l sisterhood." and here's the thing, these payments could count as "illegal
campaign contributions because they helped mr. trump win the white house by suppressing politically damaging stories." yeah, but for that, the feds would have to prove that david pecker was trying to help donald trump. to do that, they'd have to somehow know that pecker said "donald trump is a friend of mine. i wanted to help him, so what i did was make a deal with karen mcdougal so that her story would never see the light of day." ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: whoo! >> stephen: good luck twisting that one, robert mueller. ( laughter ) and today we learned that pecker's "the national enquirer" paid a doorman with gossip on trump $30,000 to keep quiet "about trump fathering a love child in the 1980s." wow, the president must really be ashamed of this scandal, considering the children he is willing to claim. ( laughter ) ( applause ) yeah.
and just a few hours ago, the doorman confirmed the payoff, saying, "i was instructed not to criticize president trump's former housekeeper due to a prior relationship she had with president trump, which produced a child." okay, it's official. there's now a housekeeper i feel worse for than the one at that russian hotel. ( laughter ) this is embarrassing. and insiders say the president is considering firing robert mueller, and it wouldn't be the first time. the "new york times" is reporting that trump wanted to fire mueller back in december. yes, he was going to fire him at christmas, but had a change of heart after receiving a visit from the ghost of porn stars past. ( laughter ) but today, the president tweeted, "if i wanted to fire robert mueller in december, as reported by the failing 'new york times,' i would have fired him. just more fake news from a
biased newspaper!" "also, i can totally do a cartwheel, i just don't feel like it right now." ( laughter ) "i got the bone spurs. i can't do it." ( laughter ) one trump confidant does have a plan to take on mueller, because former white house chief strategist, and student embalmer's first try, steve bannon, is pitching a plan to cripple the mueller probe and protect trump. yes, sloppy steve is back! you can't keep a good man down. or steve bannon. in a nutshell, bannon's plan is that the white house ceases cooperation with mueller, reversing the policy of trump's legal team and fires white house attorney and captain of the fantabulous lemon drop submarine, ty cobb. you can't fire him. without ty cobb, who will i refer to as the inventor of the steam-powered kazoo?
( laughter ) then, bannon says trump should insist all the documents he's already handed over to the special counsel can't be looked at, claiming "executive privilege should be exerted immediately and retroactively." fair enough. as long as america gets to change our vote retroactively. ( cheers and applause ) yeah. yeah. he wants a takeback. >> jon: what'snary is fair. that's what we gotta do. >> stephen: he wants a mulligan. they want a mulligan. i didn't know president's got do-overs? mr. lincoln, if you can hear me, skip the play! ( laughter ) but here's steve's problem. there is no indication that trump would be willing to take bannon's advice or is aware of the plan. and reportedly, if you say bannon's name in front of the president, it's not a pretty sight. and if you say his name three times in a mirror, he appears
right behind you and explains why affirmative action is the real racism. ( laughter ) but trump must have seen bannon's plan, because this afternoon, he tweeted, "i have agreed with the historically cooperative, disciplined approach that we have engaged in with robert mueller-- unlike the clintons! i have full confidence in ty cobb, my special counsel, and have been fully advised throughout each phase of this process." "and i will begin taking that advice, right after i send this tweet which they are begging me not to write." ( laughter ) is this next thing yesterday? okay. remember yesterday, when trump used twitter to poke russia with a stick? apparently, when trump tweeted, "get ready, russia, here come the missiles," he didn't give a heads-up to his staff. white house advisers were surprised by the tweet and found it "alarming" and "distracting,"
but they quickly regrouped and continued readying syria options for trump as if nothing had happened. one staffer told "the washington post," it's just like everybody wakes up every morning and does whatever is right in front of them. oh, my god! trump tower is on fire. oh, my god, they raided michael cohen's office. oh, my god, we're going to bomb syria." i understand. i woke up this morning and said, "oh my god, the white house just wakes up and says 'oh my god'!" ( laughter ) and oh, my god! and this has been going on for a while. back at the end of march, trump gave a rally where he said we'd be withdrawing u.s. troops from syria. officials at the white house and pentagon were blindsided, and they scrambled to get a sense of what he meant.
"pulling out of syria... he knows syria's not the name of a porn star, right?" ( laughter ) right? i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. >> jon: oh, oh, no! ( laughter ) >> stephen: come on, we just report the news, folks. they soon found out that trump wanted u.s. soldiers and marines to leave in 48 hours, an impossible timeline that alarmed the pentagon. ( laughter ) "mr. president, i know you said you wanted the troops home yesterday, but-- what's that? build a time machine and make mexico pay for it? yes, sir." ( laughter ) eventually, the pentagon talked trump out of it. which seems to be the process these days. according to one administration official: "a decision or statement is made by the president, and then the principals, mattis or pompeo or kelly, come in and tell him we can't do it.
when that fails, we reverse-engineer a policy process to match whatever the president said." "and when that fails, we fill a baby pool with hot ground beef and let him roll around till he forgets what he was so mad about." sounds good. hot ground beef. mmm, mmm. >> jon: sour cream. >> stephen: you're talking about chili, now. ( laughter ) and it doesn't look like it's going to end any time soon. according to one republican strategist, "trump is truly serving as his own chief of staff, communications director, and policy maven." he's singing the frank sinatra song, "i'll do it my way." of course, the lyrics are a little different: ( band playing "my way" ) regrets, hey, what are those ♪ ♪ i barrel forth without reflection ♪
♪ i do what i want to do ♪ follow my gut and my erection ♪ ♪ for what is a man ♪ what does he tweet ♪ starting a war from his toilet seat ♪ ♪ to scream the things he truly feels ♪ ♪ between rounds of golf and happy meals ♪ ♪ i'll let my staff clean up the chaff ♪ ♪ and do it trump's way ( cheers and applause ) we have a great show for you tonight. diane sawyer's here. but when we return, yet another scandal at the e.p.a. stick around.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! give it up for jon batiste and "stay human" right over there! ( cheers and applause ) thanks, everybody. jon, happy thursday. >> jon: happy thursday. >> stephen: one more break dill the weekend and i need a break because it is an exhausting time to be alive. between talking about trump, drinking, curling up in the
bathtub and being asked to leave homhome depot, i've barely had time to talk about one of trump's most corrupt underlings, head of the environmental protection agency and man who learned to smile from an enchanted doll, scott pruitt. among other things, pruitt regularly flies first class when his predecessors flew coach. he wanted to spend $70,000 to replace two desks in his office suite, one with a bulletproof model. and pruitt had "round-the-clock security, costing nearly $3 million." one former coworker said "he wanted to be treated like he was the president." well, now he's under investigation, so congratulations, scott, you made it! ( cheers and applause ) muah! pruitt also had a shady sweetheart deal, "renting a residence in washington that was partly owned by the wife of a top energy lobbyist whose firm conducted business before the e.p.a." even worse, pruitt was slow to pay the rent, and his lobbyist landlords became so frustrated by their lingering tenant that
they eventually pushed him out and changed their locks. it's like the plot of a sitcom. which reminds me: coming to cbs this fall, kevin james is the roommate from hell, in "this is how we pruitt." ( laughter ) is that on? is that on? that's coming on. only cbs. only cbs. he's a good man. now, pruitt was such an unwelcome houseguest that one source told politico, "scott pruitt is the kato kaelin of capitol hill." i don't know, i see him more as the o.j. simpson of the environment. but wait, there's more. apparently, after taking over the agency, pruitt wanted to refashion the e.p.a.'s "challenge coin," a type of souvenir medallion. okay, let's take a look at the e.p.a.'s challenge coin. and scott pruitt is not wrong. that looks like non-consensual groping down south.
but that wasn't pruitt's problem. he didn't like the e.p.a. logo, because he felt it looked like a marijuana leaf. the only way you could think that was a marijuana leaf is if you were high. "dude, did you ever notice how much that logo looks like pot? and look at all that water. it grows its own bong!" ( laughter ) so pruitt wanted to remove the e.p.a. logo from the e.p.a. coin and replace it with symbols more reflective of himself, like a buffalo, to evoke mr. pruitt's native oklahoma, and a bible verse to reflect his faith. i bet i know which bible verse he wanted. "and lo, abraham took isaac to the mountaintop, where thanks to the lifting of burdensome regulations, they were able to dump sodium benzoate into the sea of galilee." as one e.p.a. official said, he would have turned it into a pruitt coin.
well, if he really wants a pruitt coin, then we'll help him out. may i present, the official 2018 scott pruitt e.p.a. challenge coin. the border is 18 security guards holding hands to protect pruitt, who's inside the private plane pictured here. and on the other side, the new e.p.a. logo: a pile of burning tires. fun fact: one tree dies for every coin made. ( applause ) it's not made of wood. scott just personally poisons a tree each time they make one. we'll be right back with diane sawyer. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) don't make a first impression... or a lasting impression without it. ♪ ♪ don't turn your house into a home without it. ♪ ♪ don't go live... or even share a moment without it. and don't watch her dance like nobody's watching without it. whatever you do, don't forget that the more you live forward,
the more you need someone at your back. ♪ ♪ the powerful backing of american express. don't live life without it. ♪ ♪ ♪ raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens ♪ ♪ bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens ♪ ♪ brown paper packages tied up with strings ♪ ♪ these are a few of my favorite things ♪ ♪ ♪
here. my first guest is an emmy, peabody, and walter cronkite award-winning journalist. please welcome diane sawyer! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) nice to see you again. how have you been? >> great to see you again. my last memory is we were singing dorky harmonies to christmas songs on "good morning america." >> stephen: on g.m.a., yeah. it's a cooler venue. >> stephen: it's crisper in this room. ( laughter ) you have been in the news for so many years. give me perspective here. i pretended to be in the news for years. but you're actually the real thing, a respected journalist. news now. is there nor news now or does it
just feel like there's more news now, or is it the same amount only thicker and harder to chew? >> positively indi independence. there's an alert three seconds before you knew the alert in the room. how much faster can we go? >> stephen: i have it right here. the old watch is telling me. i've actually been on the stage and my watch has gone off and i'm, like, why didn't i make a joke about that? >> i don't know about you but i vow i'm not going to look, i'm not going to look, and there we are. we can't stop. >> stephen: we're like hamsters hitting the pedal to get another pellet. >> are we smarter? >> stephen: no, i'm do you
remember, for sure. ( laughter ) let's talk about how we got here. in 1999 when donald trump had his first flirtation for running for president, didn't announce at the time. you interviewed him in '99. >> i did. >> stephen: has he changed or we changed? >> good question. >> stephen: thank you. ( laughter ) >> you are smarter. ( laughter ) he was amazingly consistent about china and the trade war. >> stephen: so tariffs back then, too. >> tariffs back then, too. north korea back then, too. i said to him at one point, something about stunts. i'm not sure in memory what i was referring to, but these stunts that you do in campaigning, and he said, we call them stunts, but they energize me, and people want me energized. so that's why i do them. going to keep on doing them. so he told us a lot about who he was and how he campaigns. >> stephen: and back then no one took him seriously.
>> well, we've changed. we've certainly changed. we've seen the undertoe tha unds pulling us apart. i'm from kentucky and my family alone, there are so many opinions on every single issue. we fought our way through the cumberland pass, we're tough, and yet we have such trouble even sometimes just addressing what each other is feeling. you know, there was a david brooks column, i don't know if you saw it, it interested me, and he said, after all this time, in this moment, we've got to think of something different because it's not working. we're not talking to each other in a way that actually is making us luminated about each other and -- illuminated about each other and how we got here. >> stephen: this isn't the first division in my lifetime. >> no. >> stephen: i remember the nixon administration. i remember watergate. we have a president now who is under investigation. some people are calling for his
impeachment. i don't think that's that great of an idea because i think if donald trump should leave office, it should be through political means, not necessarily through judicial or extreme constitutional remedies. but you were in the nixon white house back then. i'd like to know your perspective because we have a shot of you -- this is you and richard nixon in 1972. >> i think we were in china, by the way. it was the opening to china. >> stephen: you went on the trip to china? >> i did. >> stephen: what was your job in the nixon administration. >> how do you remember the nixon administration? you were nine years old. >> stephen: fondly at this point. >> you don't remember it. >> stephen: i was a little obsessed even as a child. >> really? >> stephen: i'm the youngest of 11 children. my sister margo sat me down, 12 years my senior, she's in college, and she said let me explain to you why this is important because when i came home from the school, i wouldn't
have "beverly hillbillies" on, it would be senator ervin with his eyebrows grilling john dean. so that's why i would be board. so as a little kid, i would watch the hearings. so what's it like to be inside a white house under siege like that? >> i was in my early 20s, a lot of "oh, my god," as you said. inconceivable things. a break-in in the watergate hotel, plumbers in the basement of the white house, as they were called. the tapes. it was one thing after another. i also remember the day i left on the plane with him. >> stephen: oh, you did. i did. you want to know why? >> stephen: why? because he had asked and some of the other people who wanted to just go out and figure out what on earth, what state we were leaving the country in asked if i would come out.
so i agreed to do it because my dad had always said that you have to measure yourself by whether you're there in the worst of times for people, too. >> stephen: and now you're doing a new special called my reality hidden america. tell me what that's about. >> after the tectonic event of all these brave women speaking out, all the bold things they said. >> stephen: as part of the #metoo movement? >> as part of the #metoo movement, we were starting to wonder about all the women in the country feeling alone who are not in the spotlight and can we do something that will matter for them. ewe got videotapes and audiotapes. you have to hear these stories in different parts to have the country. people in restaurants. one of the two of us has worked in a restaurant -- did you work in a restaurant? >> stephen: i waited tables five years. >> were you actor waiter or waiter-waiter? >> stephen: i was an actor-waiter but i wasn't acting like a waiter i was actually a
waiter. ( laughter ) i liked waiting tables. did you not wait tables? >> i waited tables, it was my first real job and i was a disaster wait snorer. >> stephen: okay. most famously delivered the double dip ice cream and by the time i got it down there was only one scoop. my investigation said it was going down the back of the customer. >> stephen: you're what we call a weak link. >> i was. they didn't keep me long for some reason. ( laughter ) but in this country, we know there are 6 million people working in restaurants, so many of them, it's their first job, and we wanted to know what will help you tomorrow, not when the culture changes, tomorrow. then we went out to the hotel staff who have to open the doors not knowing what's on the other side, and there are real things that can change their lives
tomorrow, so we thought what can we do. >> stephen: we have a clip here. >> of the trucking. >> stephen: this is the trucking? >> 63,000 jobs are available in trucking. they're good-paying jobs. can we make sure the women who want them can feel absolutely safe. >> stephen: women driving big rigs. >> big rigs. >> stephen: we have a clip of diane talking to a couple of drivers. >> for months we have been in search for the hidden reality for hotel workers, restaurant workers, at truck stops around the workers. along the way i meet stephanie who feels safe in her 17-ton rig. but we got word of a young woman who wants to meet in secret. she says she was attacked in her truck and always carries weapons. >> here i keep the mace and the razor. >> do you have protection out here? >> no. you're kidding me. >> for real? can't imagine it. at all. nd we go in search of all
the other stories, and, as i say, there are solutions that include people you would not expect. a loft men coming forward saying this is our fight, too, let us in to fight alongside you. >> stephen: thank you for being here, lovely to see you again. >> so nice to see you. >> stephen: diane. ( cheers and applause ) "my reality: a hidden america" airs next friday on abc. diane sawyer, everybody! we'll be right back with joshua jackson. stick around! ♪ (avo) everything active for your family. kohl's cash for you. kohl's. ♪
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my name is jamir dixon and i'm a locafor pg&e.rk fieldman most people in the community recognize the blue trucks as pg&e. my truck is something new... it's an 811 truck. when you call 811, i come out to your house and i mark out our gas lines and our electric lines to make sure that you don't hit them when you're digging. 811 is a free service. i'm passionate about it because every time i go on the street i think about my own kids. they're the reason that i want to protect our community and our environment, and if me driving a that truck means that somebody gets to go home safer, then i'll drive it every day of the week. together, we're building a better california. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back to the show! my next guest has starred in "dawson's creek," "fringe," and "the affair." he's now making his broadway debut in "children of a lesser god." please welcome joshua jackson! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
>> stephen: what a beautiful house you have. isn't it nice? hey, nice to see you again. >> good to see you, too. >> stephen: i had forgotten we actually met before but you provided our producer with this shot. this is you and me and van der beek at a story. the young heart throbs hang out together. am i officially in the dawson family? >> yes, i'll photo shop you in "the late show." >> stephen: you and sri something in common. you say you owe your career -- excuse me. >> i'm a little emotional, too. >> stephen: i just swallowed my pride. ( laughter ) you said you owe your career to jon stewart, too. why? >> because he's the reason i got thrown out of my second high
school, and if i had actually done something constructive with my time instead of watching his tv show, i probably wouldn't have had to make it as an actor because there was no other option. >> stephen: "the daily show"? no, the original one. >> stephen: "the jon stewart show," the syndicated show. >> i grew up in seattle -- ( cheering ) we're all very proud canadians. i'm going to keep on throwing out places. >> stephen: why not. manitoba! ( cheering ) wow! how old are you now? in high school? >> yeah. >> stephen: what year are we talking? not now, in the story. >> in the story, 14,15. >> stephen: so this is '94, '95. yeah, i remember that show. >> he's getting rebroadcast. they put it on at 1:30. i stayed up to watch the show
which kept me up till 2:30 which made me miss the class and they said since you didn't come p the morning, might as well not come in the afternoon either. >> stephen: what happened with the first high school? >> it's an arts school and i got kicked out for starting my professional career. the woman who ran -- oh, this is terrible. i'm about to say something mean about this woman i haven't seen in 25 years and it turned out okay. she didn't like i left the school to work on a movie. i went to go do the mighty ducks. when i came back she said you're not part of the school spirit and we don't want you here. so i had to go to my local school. >> stephen: maybe you weren't part of the school spirit. >> i certainly wasn't, once they kicked me out. ( laughter ) >> stephen: now you're making your broad way debut on "children of a lesser god." >> i'm having one hell of a day
today. >> stephen: last night was the debut? >> yes ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: fantastic. the whole play takes place in the mind of james leeds, his relationship is with a woman who is deaf. did you know sign language before you started this? >> no, i had to learn sign language before i started this show. ( applause ) >> stephen: how long did you have to learn? >> so we did an out of town run of it last summer. a large part was to see if i could learn the language. i had about four months running up to that and now it's been about a year. it's taken me a year to get fluent enough. i'm not fluent in a.s.l. but fluent enough to get me through the show. >> stephen: so you've only done a year of this and this would be something that's second nature for someone who's grown up with it. do you get it wrong? >> i have made some spectacular mistakes. >> stephen: that the audience or only she can tell?
>> depends. >> stephen: who is your co-star? >> lauren ridloff. this is her acting debut. she is this completely unique thing in the world. i can't believe she exists. she was teaching our director sign language and he brought her in to do the read thru because he couldn't find a leading lady for purposes of the read thru. she came in and -- blew the doors off doesn't do it justice. we were doing a dry read thru and we get to the climacticking read where mhe character uses her voice for the first time. she says, i don't know what's going to come out at all because i haven't spoken in 25 years. she gets to this thing and she rips open her soul. i get emotional just thinking about it. i and kenny our director fell out and i look up and all these
crusty new yorker types are bawling their eyes out, and this leelectricity happened in the room. there is ten pages left in the script and i'm like, you have-got-to-get-it-together. and i'm woul walking with kennyd saying if she can do that, that's the whole thing. she went from being a mom and wife and teacher to making her broadway debut in 18 months. >> stephen: wow. it's just astonishing. ( applause ) >> stephen: and she's amazing. amazing. >> stephen: so we've got to go, but you said she catches you when you get it wrong. >> my most spectacular (bleep) so far -- oops -- screw up so far. >> stephen: that's two. you're going to have to bleep this anyway. i'm in a middle of the scene with lauren and i'm supposed to say "yesterday i had a lousy visit with your mother" but i
actually said, "yesterday i had a lousy (bleep) with your mother." small difference. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'll be watching when that line comes up. "children of a lesser god" is now on broadway at studio 54. joshua jackson, everybody! back with a performance by john prine with sturgill simpson and brandi carlile. only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. they release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. tylenol®
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