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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  July 5, 2018 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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there are various concerts scheduled. >> what if you pay district play badly? >> i do not think they will troll -- for tomatoes. >> goodnight, see you tomorrow. captioning sponsored by cbs >> tonight, on "in search of..." the first lady. ( laughter ) the statuesque bipedal slovenian who goes by many names: melania, third wife, melanie, sasquatch. was said to have roamed the east wing of the white house. but for almost a month, there has been no definitive sighting of this elusive being. but all that may have changed yesterday when a local resident captured this startling footage. ( laughter ) >> i was just sitting in the back there, you know, filming the event. i didn't think i had anything interesting. but when i got home and checked the footage, i couldn't believe my eyes! there she was in broad daylight! i mean, it was inside, but
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still... >> but not all agree. >> science can prove this away. it could have been a lot of things: swamp gas, venus reflecting off a pond... a lot of times it turns out to be fur on a tree. ( laughter ) people see what they want to see. it could have been a shape- shifting chameleoid trying avoid detection. simple as that. >> does this footage prove that melania exists? or is it simply, as the doctor said, a trick of the eye. we may never know. tune in next week when we go "in search of..." steve mnuchin's neck. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, trump's sad superbowl party. plus, stephen welcomes... president bill clinton and james patterson. and tig notaro. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert!
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: woo! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: thank you, joseph! thank you, everybody! how are you? please, have a seat. sit down! thanks so much! please! welcome, welcome-- ( cheers and applause ) welcome one and all to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) you know, if you're a sports fan, there's a tradition that when you win the superbowl, you go to the white house... a few months later, once the swelling goes down. well, the super bowl champion philadelphia eagles were supposed to be at the white house today, but last night, the white house press office issued a statement from the president that said the eagles were disinvited because, "they
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disagree with their president because he insists that they proudly stand for the national anthem, hand on heart, in honor of the great men and women of our military and the people of our country." but here's the thing: no eagles players took a knee or stayed in the locker room during the anthem last season. so donald trump is blaming a group of black guys for something they didn't do. they'll have to rename the eagles the "central park 53." ( laughter and applause ) >> jon: yeah, yeah. >> stephen: but fox news never lets the truth get in the way of a good story, so they ran a segment last night on the disinvitation, alongside images of the players taking a knee. eagle's tight end zach ertz pointed out on twitter that was actually footage of him praying before games with his teammates, well before the anthem. ( booing ) come on, look, look. it's an honest-- it's an honest mistake.
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fox news also thought this picture was jesus calling a touchdown! ( laughter ) wooo! ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) >> jon: touchdown dance! ( laughter ) >> stephen: faced with the fact that he got this wrong, trump doubled down on twitter, and attacked the n.f.l.'s new compromise of letting players stay in the locker room before the anthem. "staying in the locker room for the playing of our national anthem is as disrespectful to our country as kneeling. sorry!" ( laughter ) and, "n.f.l., no escaping to locker rooms!" oh, yes, there's no escaping the national anthem. it's a heat-seeking hymn! you tried to hide-- ♪ but the flag was still there ( laughter and applause ) yes, hand on heart. ( piano riff ) bright eyes, full hearts-- i don't know. so, if the eagles didn't protest the anthem, then why did donald
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trump cancel this event? i'm guessing, maybe, possibly, because the only people planning to attend from the team were two or three players, the owner, and the mascot. ( laughter and applause ) >> jon: the mascot! >> stephen: oh, that explains a lot, the mascot was coming? well, that's why he canceled. we know donald trump is afraid of eagles. ( laughter and applause ) >> jon: better watch out joe walsh, don henley. >> stephen: so, it's crazy. but here's the extra-crazy sauce: when trump disinvited the eagles, he didn't cancel the event, he announced he would be holding "a different type of ceremony-- one that will honor our great country, pay tribute to the heroes who fight to protect it, and loudly and proudly play the national anthem." yes, forget the eagles! we're going to celebrate the symbols of our country, like... eagles. ( laughter )
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and since there would be no eagles there, the white house was forced to rebrand today's festivities as a "celebration of america." now, there's an idea-- a celebration of america and all it stands for, right in the middle of the summer. i think this could work. ( laughter ) let's get some fireworks, maybe a big parade. call it "the fifth of june!" and-- ( cheers and applause ) where's my flute? >> jon: oh, yeah! ( flute ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: i don't-- that turned into a jig. and this afternoon, he did it-- the biggest, patriot-est, flag- a-bration ever. how much how much does he-- blah! ( laughter ) how much does he love america? he knew most of the words to "the star-spangled banner" and a couple of words to "god bless america." ♪ god bless america
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land that i love ♪ stand beside her and guide her ♪ through the night with the light from above ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: he's got to rest. >> jon: he's got to rest sometimes. >> stephen: he's got to rest. he's singing so hard, he's got to rest. now, it's kind of hard to hear what the president is not really singing. luckily, cbs news has acquired an exclusive...? an exclusive version of the president's isolated mic. jim? ♪ ♪ >> ♪ god bless america let's eat a dove ♪ and be a tiger ( humming ) ♪ way to the prairies ( humming )
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♪ trucks big and powerful my oatmeal's cold ♪ i miss melania i'm old and alone ♪ ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: beautiful, beautiful. right on key. >> jon: right on pitch. >> stephen: right on there. right on there. >> jon: amazing. >> stephen: but philly is not taking this lying down, because the only time a philly fan is lying down... is in his own vomit after winning the superbowl. ( laughter and applause ) the mayor of philly-- ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: yeah! ( piano riff ) >> stephen: don't encourage them. don't encourage them! the mayor of philadelphia released an official statement, saying, "disinviting the eagles from the white house only proves that our president is not a true patriot, but a fragile egomaniac
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obsessed with crowd size and afraid of the embarrassment of throwing a party to which no one wants to attend." ( cheers and applause ) and-- and-- and-- listen to this-- the-- the mayor's chief of staff tweeted out a photo of philly's superbowl celebration crowd next to trump's inauguration crowd... ( cheers and applause ) saying, "our party was bigger than yours." ( whistle ) ( laughter ) that's a personal foul. totally necessary roughness. first down. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. you know, they fill these with potpourri. i didn't know that. ( laughter ) that's very nice. you know who else is never going to be invited to the white house any time soon? former trump campaign manager and the entire rat pack smushed together minus sammy, paul manafort.
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( laughter ) manafort is already under house arrest on 23 counts of fraud and conspiracy in two different states, which is why he has to wear two g.p.s.-tracking bracelets. ( audience reacts ) one was not enough. you got to strap one on each ankle in case he goes coyote and chews off a leg. ( laughter ) now, there's more legal trouble for manafort, because most of the charges are for illegal lobbying on behalf of a pro- putin group in ukraine. now, his legal team claims he's innocent, because he never did any lobbying on behalf of that group in the united states. but mueller caught manafort trying to secretly get his accomplices to get their stories straight by contacting them through an unidentified intermediary who sent the message, "p. wants to give him a quick summary that he says to everybody-- which is true-- that our friends never lobbied in the u.s." brilliant code! ( laughter ) i wonder who this "p" could be. ( laughter ) i'll give you a hint: it starts
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with a "paul" and ends with a judge saying "guilty." ( cheers and applause ) manafort-- guilty. manafort used an encrypted messaging app to contact one of them saying, "we should talk." okay, no good conversation has ever started with "we should talk." ( laughter ) he should've just gone with a classic: "u up? ...for lying to robert mueller?" ( laughter ) and the plan-- the plan would've worked, except for one tiny flaw. "the witnesses immediately gave the texts to the f.b.i." d'oh! ( laughter and applause ) d'oh! ( piano riff ) note to self: do not give evidence of your crimes to the witness, and... text. d'oh! ( laughter ) we've got a great show for you tonight! ( cheers and applause )
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president bill clinton is here, but when we come back, as always, donald trump has been lying to you. stick around! ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) so where are you robots headed? i need to tell humans to switch to sprint now! i heard they can get 4 lines of unlimited for $25 per month per line with the 5th line free. we have to hurry because this deal it's going, going, gone, baby! (vo) switch to sprint before july 12th and get 4 lines of unlimited for $25 per month per line with a 5th line free. and for a limited time, get a galaxy s9 for 50% off for people with hearing loss, with sprint flex lease. visit sprintrelay.com
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody! jon batiste and stay human, right over there. ( applause ) there's the band. oh, my goodness. jon, you know what i'm excited about? >> jon: what's that? >> stephen: president william ) >> jon: oh, wow. >> stephen: sitting right there. >> jon: i love it. that's exciting. >> stephen: yeah. >> jon: that's going to be the best ever. >> stephen: did you see-- did you see that interview on the "today show" yesterday? >> jon: oh yeah, yeah. >> stephen: yeah, we might talk about it a little bit. >> jon: oh, wow. ( laughter ) >> stephen: okay. are we over here?
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here, here-- all right. hey, remember that trump tower meeting attended by don, jr., jared kushner, and paul manafort? also known as huey, duey, and colludy. ( laughter ) well, before the election, after being promised dirt on hillary clinton, they met with kremlin lawyer natalia veselnitskaya. ♪ ♪ ( laughter ) once the news of this meeting became public, don, jr. released a statement saying he was meeting was about adoptions. they were hoping to find a loving family for eric. ( laughter ) call now. trump clearly wrote that statement for his son. you knew as soon as you read it. but if that were true, that would be obstruction of justice, so the president and his team have repeatedly denied having anything to do with it. but it turns out trump's lawyers admitted in a letter to mueller that "the president dictated a response to the 'new york times' article on behalf of his son
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donald trump, jr." of course he did! that letter could not have been more by donald trump if it had been written in bronzer on the back of a k.f.c. bucket. ( laughter and applause ) because-- and here's the thing you can't forget-- everything you think happened with donald trump is always exactly what happened. anyone who's surprised to find out he was lying probably still watches "titanic" going, "ooh, i hope the boat's going to be okay." ( laughter ) so this letter admits some guilt but it stresses that the president is not required to answer to the office of the special counsel, or anyone else, for his private affairs with his children. yes, this is a sacred father-son bonding moment. we all remember when dad would take you down to the old fishin' hole and say, "son, that's where i'm going to hide your body if you admit we colluded with the russians. don't tell your mother. which one was she again?" ( laughter ) and-- and-- ( cheers and applause )
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( whistling ) ( piano riff ) and trump wasn't the only one lying to the american people, so were the liars who work for this liar. take trump lawyer and stock photo of businessman enjoying microphone, jay sekulow. ( laughter ) he wrote the letter admitting trump drafted don, jr.'s statement, but that's not what he said on "meet the press." >> the president was not, did not draft the response. the response came from donald trump, jr. the president was not involved in the drafting of the statement and did not issue the statement. it came from donald trump, jr. >> stephen: wow, he is good. ( laughter ) but there is a very subtle tell when a president's lawyer is lying. see if you can spot it. right... here! where he appears on tv. ( laughter ) now it's possible that sekulow just got bum information from trump. so either he was lying to us, or the president was lying to him.
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though, to be fair, it was probably both. and sekulow's not alone. sarah huck-a-sanders also denied it last year. >> he certainly didn't dictate, but, you know, he-- like i said, he weighed in and offered suggestions like any father would do. >> stephen: yes, advice on hiding your crimes from the feds is what any father would do. ( laughter ) i'm sorry. that's what any "godfather" would do. the point is-- ( cheers and applause ) the point is-- ( piano riff ) the point is, they've lied to us for a year, but now they've come clean and admitted that he dictated it. that i can believe. he does seem like a dictator. ( laughter ) we'll be right back with james patterson and president bill clinton. join us. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) one of our new his must be for unlimited wireless plans. it comes with a ton of entertainment options.
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>> stephen: that's right. hey, everybody! am i here? ( cheers and applause ) hey, everybody! welcome back to "the late show." ladies and gentlemen, my first guests tonight are a bright young writing team with loads of potential. please welcome james patterson and president bill clinton! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> wo! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
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>> stephen: please, sir-- sirs. please, sirs. welcome, welcome to the ed sullivan theater. i'm your host, stephen colbert. >> oh, that's who you are! >> stephen: nice to meet you, mr. patterson. >> thank you, thank you. >> stephen: first time we've spoken. mr. president, we've talked many times before. always good to have a conversation. i always enjoy it. do you enjoy it? >> i do. i think you got a real future in this. ( laughter ) >> stephen: thank you very much, thank you very much. i think you do, too. ( laughter ) now, you guys have been on the book tour-- how long have you been doing the book tour so far? >> second day. >> stephen: second day? >> yeah. >> stephen: well, it's been an eventful two days so far. ( laughter ) >> yeah, it's moving along good. >> stephen: i-- i-- i noticed-- i watched you on "the today show" yesterday morning. i noticed you didn't enjoy that entire interview. i want you to enjoy this one. but i do want to ask you something, which is, when i got home last night, on the cnn-- they had a lower-third banner that said something about "william clinton's tone-deaf response to the question from 'the today show.'"
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my question is, would you like a do-over on that answer? do you-- do you understand why some people thought that was a tone-deaf response-- >> absolutely. >> stephen: --to his questions about the me too movement and how you might reflect on your behavior 20 years ago, and how that reflection may change based on what you've learned through the me too movement. >> you know, when i saw the interview, i thought that, because they had to, you know, distill it, and it looked like i was saying i didn't apologize and i had no intention to. and i was mad at me. ( audience reacts ) >> stephen: well, you said in the interview you did apologize. you said you apologized in the interview. >> yes, i did. and they showed a film clip, finally. but what-- here's what i want to say. it wasn't my finest hour, but the important thing is-- that was a very painful thing that happened 20 years ago.
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and i apologized to my family, to monica lewinsky and her family, and to the american people. i meant it then. i meant it now. i've had to live with the consequences every day since. and i still believe this me too movement is long overdue, necessary, and should be supported. and we should all-- ( cheers and applause ) and i'd like to think that we're all getting better as we go along. >> here's the other thing. i've spent a year now with president clinton. and i went in liking him. but in that year, i found he's just a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful human being. and he spent-- he spent his whole life trying to do good things for this country. and since he's been out of the presidency with the foundation, he's done incredible things for all around the world. >> stephen: well, i would agree- - i would agree with you. ( applause ) if i could-- i would think some of the reason why people saw that interview and thought that
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it was tone deaf-- or whatever word they wanted to use-- is that you seemed surprised that that question would come up, that somehow that this had all been adjudicated in the past, and there's no reason to talk about it again. when it seems like the spirit of the me too movement is that it doesn't matter how long ago it happened. examples of men who were not held accountable for their behavior-- especially men in power with younger women or people who worked for them-- is worthy of being re-adjudicated or adjudicated for the first time, no matter how long ago it happened. ( cheers and applause ) and so, it seemed tone deaf to me, because you seemed offended to be asked about this thing when, in all due respect, sir, your behavior was the most famous example of a powerful man sexually misbehaving in the workplace of my lifetime. so it doesn't seem surprising that the question would be asked. why were you surprised? >> the question had been asked. >> stephen: by him? >> no, by other people in this context. >> stephen: in the me too, context. >> yes, and i didn't mind at all.
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but i didn't like this one, because it started with an assertion that basically i had never apologized, as if i had never tried to come to grips with it, and as if there had been no attempt to hold me accountable, which anybody who lived through that and knew the facts knew it wasn't so. nonetheless, i realized, hey, there are a lot of people that don't have any memory of that, and all they saw was me mad, and i seemed to be tone deaf, to put it mildly. so last night, when i was at my event-- we did an event in harlem with walter mosley-- i asked to say something about it, because i think it's important. people need to know. i apologized. i meant it then. i mean it now. i've lived with the consequences. and i still support me too. and i think we all need to keep trying to be doing better. and i-- i would never dispute that. >> stephen: the "new york times" reported that the democrats are not reaching out to you in 2018 to run, because of the taint of
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your past experience with monica lewinsky in the light of the me too movement. is that true? and are you frustrated by it? >> if it is, i don't know, because normally i don't do anything in primaries. i try to stay out of primaries, because i'd be grateful to stay out of the primaries. but, look, i think it's amazing how the question is asked. i've been out of the white house for 18 years. i've had-- >> stephen: but you're a big gun. i mean, they sent you out there like the cavalry at times. >> it is, but i'll just see. i don't know. a lot of people have called and asked if i would do something when i can. but on the other hand, when i was a governor, i never had anybody come in for me. so-- and never wanted it. so, everything's different now. and we'll just see what happens. i just want them-- what i want to say is these midterm elections are important, and the only people that really matter are not me, it's you. ( applause )
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and, one of the main reasons-- let me just make this clear-- one of the main reasons this country is as polarized as it is is that ever since the gingrich revolution, right, which started-- >> stephen: '94. >> '94. we started having republicans move hard to the right, and then redistricting, everybody worries more about the primary. if the penalty for democrats voting more in presidential elections and midterms has gone way up, because most of the governors, most of the legislatures, the people who run the elections, the secretaries of state, all the members of the house of representatives, and a third of the senate are elected in every midterm. and president obama, i think-- i think he did a really good job, but i think he could have done even more if all of us who voted in 2008 and 2012 for him had also voted in 2010 and 2014. ( cheers and applause ) and i think that--
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>> stephen: and 2016. >> yeah! 2016, they had vladimir in there messing with it a little bit, too. ( laughter ) but i think the-- >> stephen: i never heard anybody call him "vladimir" before. ( laughter ) don't make him sound friendly. don't make him sound friendly. >> but remember that, folks. don't-- don't let any of these articles take the election away from you . the only thing that really matters is you. keep in mind, the virginia elected a transgender democrat to a republican seat in the state legislature because-- ( cheers and applause ) --because she said, "i don't want you to vote for me because i'm transgender. i don't want you to vote against me, because i'm transgender. i want you to vote for me, because you can't get to and from work, my opponent won't do anything about it, and i'll help you get to work on time and get home to see your kids." that's what we need to be doing. ( applause ) >> stephen: we have to take a
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little bit of a break. we'll be right back with more bill clinton and james patterson. stick around, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) but nothing says "we got married" like a 12 ounce piece of scrap metal. yo! we got married! honk if you like joint assets. now you're so busy soaking up all this attention, you don't see the car in front of you. and if i can crash your "perfect day", imagine what i can do to the rest of 'em. so get allstate, and be better protected from mayhem. like me.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, we're back with president bill clinton and james patterson, authors of "the president is missing." okay, both of you are bestselling authors. why do you need each other? ( laughter ) what did this man provide that you couldn't imagine, james patterson?
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>> i think what separates this book from books that i've read, and what most of you have read, is the authenticity. there are a lot of thrillers out there. my goal-- when the opportunity came up to do something with the president-- was to try to do the best thriller about a president that had been written. and there is an attack against the united states in this country. if it happened, it's a devastating attack, it would happen something like this. there is an attack against the presidential motorcade. if it happens, it would happen, the president disappears in this book. if it happened, it would happen, it could happen-- something like this. >> stephen: what did you give him about the presidency? what details did you provide this man that he couldn't have imagined himself? what were the tidbits? launch codes? >> first of all, we started talking about this-- >> the launch code, yes. >> no, i didn't give him the launch codes. ( laughter ) relax. >> stephen: it's just your birthday twice. >> i don't have them anymore. but we started talking about this in 2016. so the definition of whether this book is authentic or not
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has sort of changed in the last year and a half in terms of what really happened. ( laughter and applause ) ( piano riff ) really, but it was everything from... the physical realities of how would you get the president out of the white house if that were going to happen? how would the president disappear for-- >> stephen: how would you do that? ( laughter ) >> read the book. >> read the book. ( laughter and applause ) >> stephen: did you-- did you-- can i ask you-- did you give that subject a lot of thought around 1998? >> i thought about it all the time. i used to joke that i could never tell whether the white house was the most beautiful public building in washington or the crown jewel of the federal prison system. ( laughter ) because, you know, you're always kind of hemmed up. >> stephen: oh, right, right. >> but it was-- it was a joke. one of the things this book is, when jim spoke of occurrences, also a pretty strong endorsement
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of the secret service that has gotten some bad publicity over the years and i think it's been overdone compared to the way they risk their lives to keep the president and the president's family safe, and you will see that here. ( applause ) >> if you're interested in know what it's like to be president, this is a really good-- you really get a feeling for what it's like. and even more so than in a lot of good memoirs. because in the memoirs, they really can't talk about a lot of things. >> stephen: reading this gives you a good idea of what it's like to be president? >> yes. >> stephen: can we send this to donald trump so he has a standard-- ( laughter and applause ) ( piano riff ) >> stephen:-- a standard by which to judge his behavior. >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen! >> look, there is-- >> we know president trump isn't missing, because we get tweets every morning. ( laughter ) >> stephen: we get tweets from melania and we don't know where she is. ( laughter ) >> i was glad to see you're opening. i was glad to see that picture of her. because, you know, i like her. it made me feel good that she was all right. >> stephen: yeah, everybody
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likes her. you're a president, as a president, do you think you could pardon yourself? >> no. ( laughter and applause ) >> stephen: did anybody-- because the president's impeachment lawyer, emmet flood, was your impeachment lawyer. did he bring it up? >> no-- well, he worked on the team. >> stephen: he worked on the team. >> yeah. >> stephen: sure. i've never met this mr. flood. >> none of us-- none of us ever considered that. but the-- one of the things that-- if you look at the way the book opens and you look at the questions you just asked me. >> stephen: yes. >> one of the things that every president has to do, if you're going into a hearing, you're going into a news conference, you do what i didn't do before i did that interview. that will never go down as my finest hour. that is, you go through what you call "a murder board." your own staff sits there and asks you meaner questions than colbert would.
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>> stephen: i'm the nicest guy on television. ( laughter ) >> and so you will see that in the paper-- in the video-- and the president will go along, and he'll be just fine. and finally, they just hit his hot button, and he gives the answer that his heart wants to give. and he's all hot up, and they say, "okay, that's answer 'a.' let's go to plan 'b' here. give the answer you know you should." and you should want that to happen, because a lot of these matters involve national security. they're not always just an attack on the president. >> stephen: as a writer, mr. patterson, do you think donald trump is a believable character? ( laug >> i, you know-- >> stephen: are we living-- ( cheers and applause ) >> well, it makes it-- >> stephen: are we living-- are we living in a cheap novel right now? >> some of the things that are going on-- there just was a thing today, just recently, about him possibly bringing rodman to singapore. as a fiction writer, it's hard to keep up with-- i mean, that's tough competition.
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( laughter ) >> stephen: you met-- sir, you went over to help free some hostages on behalf of the obama administration. you went over there to free some hostages. you met kim jon-il, kim jong- un's father. what can mr. trump expect when he sits down with the leader of north korea? briefly. >> briefly, he can expect to a guy who's reluctant to give up his nuclear weapons, because he thinks when dictators give them up they're more likely to be overthrown. and, he wants to stay in power. but, he can also expect a person who has told his own people he will make a better life for them. so the key to this whole thing is the president of south korea, who's been brilliant in bringing north korea into the olympics. brilliant in understanding how pshof pres trump and president kim jong-un. and so if-- we should all want president trump to succeed here.
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>> stephen: i agree. >> every one of us should. ( applause ) and we should-- we should measure success not by the guy saying, "oh, i was a bad boy for having nuclear weapons and throwing them away." but, if he comes out of this thing reducing the likelihood of a nuclear exchange or the nuclear materials being given away, stolen, or sold to terrorist groups, in return for something that the south korean president and the chinese will support to make them slightly more prosperous, that's progress. you should want something that makes us safer, our neighbors, south korea, safer, and them a little better off. ( applause ) >> stephen: well, thank you so much for being here, sir. >> thank you. >> stephen: mr. patterson. >> thank you. >> stephen: a pleasure to see you again. "the president is missing" is in stores now. bill clinton and james patterson, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back with tig notaro. thank you, sir. notaro. thank you, sir. ( band playing ) er.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back to "the late show"!
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ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is a very funny comedian whose new special is called "happy to be here." we're happy to have her. please welcome, tig notaro! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> jon: ♪ oh, tig notaro oh, tig notaro ♪ >> stephen: welcome, welcome. >> ooh, thank you, thank you. i always mean to tell you this when i come here, but this theater has such a great vibe. ( cheers ) i know. it's-- >> stephen: well, thanks, thanks. >> no, thank you. it's like a roomful of pleasant subspace particles wrapped in a tachyon field of good vibes. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's-- thank you, thank you. >> yeah. i have no idea what i'm saying on that show. >> stephen: people may not know this, you are actually now a cast member of the new season of "star trek discovery."
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>> yes, all joking aside, all joking aside-- ( applause ) >> stephen: i love-- there's nothing i love more when i hear a comedian say, "all joking aside." then i go, "now it's going to get good." >> no, i say that before i say anything. i'm that kind of comedian. >> stephen: uh-huh... >> yeah. a lot of times people have a hard time recognizing my comedy, and that's fine. ( laughter ) >> stephen: how did you-- were you always a "star trek" fan? how did one get a part? because i'm jealous. i would love to be on "star trek." >> you should come with me. >> stephen: but i have-- ( applause ) i'll do it! but i've got this gig. how did you get this gig? were you always a fan? >> well, you don't just get gigs because you're a fan. ( laughter ) >> stephen: how about-- >> everybody's like, "oh, she's a fan? let's give her a ring-a-ding." ( laughter ) >> stephen: but you might try for the gig if you're a fan. >> no, no, i didn't try, i just-- they just asked if i wanted to do it. >> stephen: they thought you would fit into the "star trek" universe. are you a human?
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>> i am a human, yes. i'm a commander. >> stephen: oh! what's your-- commander...? >> jet reno. and i actually got to name myself because i was like, "oh, there's like jets and stuff." ( laughter ) >> stephen: is that in honor of janet reno? >> yeah. sure. >> stephen: you're lying. >> i am. >> stephen: you're a liar. >> i am lying, all joking aside. ( laughter ) >> stephen: if you-- if you-- if you have trouble saying that little monologue you did, where you didn't understand anything you were saying, how do you learn the lines? because it's all that, right? >> i don't. i mean, it is so embarrassing. there's no-- i can't even picture what i'm talking about, you know. when i'm learning lines in other shows or movies or something, i can kind of visualize what i'm talking about. on "star trek" i'm just like, "okay, i have to just remember these words." ( laughter ) >> stephen: it's just sound jazz.
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>> yeah-- ( laughs ) >> stephen: sound jazz with tig notaro, in space! >> yeah. >> stephen: do you have a cool outfit or anything? >> well, yeah. >> stephen: or anything like that? >> it's a "star trek" uniform, so it's cool. i was just in mississippi visiting my cousin, and i told him i was on "star trek" this new season, and he was like, "oh, wow, tig. you know you've made it when you're in outer space." ( laughter and applause ) >> stephen: i feel the same way, though. because i'm a science fiction junky, i totally feel the same way. i would really-- could we do our show from space? no? call richard-- call elon musk. ( laughter ) you also-- you just wrote a movie with your wife, stephanie about a female president. >> yes. >> stephen: who is played by jennifer aniston in this. >> that's correct. >> stephen: and you are the first lady in that, you're the flotus in it. >> i am. >> stephen: did you model yourself on anyone? is it.. michelle, or melania, or... bill? ( laughter ) >> bill was never the first lady. >> stephen: no, but he was going to be the first lady's man if he
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ever got in. ( laughter ) or the first gent or something like that. that was the idea. >> no, i'm doing my own thing. and you know what, speaking of bill, and then not to speak about bill. i just want to say about monica lewinsky. >> stephen: okay. >> i know her-- not well-- but i want to remind people that to get a job at a young age as an intern in the white house, you have to be an exceptional human being. and she is. and i just want to remind people of that. ( cheers and applause ) that's all i want to say. >> stephen: that's nice. >> and i want to get back to my friend jen aniston. >> stephen: okay, so jen, also an exceptional person. >> she's going to be the president of the united states. >> stephen: is she a friend? did you write this with her in mind? >> she is a friend. i have to say that on national television. she's absolutely a friend. very good friend. ( laughter ) we text, actually. >> stephen: oh, you do?
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oh, that's a sure sign. >> yeah. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. either your friend or your drug dealer. ( laughter ) >> i was actually surprised, because she's such a kind of chill person, and her texts are, like, big rainbows and sparkles and bang-bang pops. >> stephen: the balloons dropping, the confetti and all that. >> i was like, "whoa! didn't see this coming." >> stephen: yes, the text you would get from your mother. >> yeah, if she were alive. >> audience: oooh. >> stephen: well, that's all we have time for, tig. ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) >> stephen: okay, you've got an upcoming movie. you've got the-- you've got the special on netflix, "happy to be here." >> "happy to be here." >> stephen: are you happy to be here? >> i'm thrilled. ( laughter ) >> stephen: because you play your happy cards pretty close to your chest. >> yup, i do. >> stephen: yeah. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: oh, you smiled. ( laughter ) >> i-- i am.
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it's-- you know, my special "happy to be here," i see it as, like, the third piece to a trilogy. i had an album called "live," that i put out when i had cancer. i had a follow-up album called "boyish girl interrupted," where i was kind of crawling out of everything that i was going through. and then this special is just my personal joy of happy to be on this planet, and happy to be doing comedy, and i am-- i am a happy person. >> stephen: good, good. we'lbe right back.use ) ( band playi
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my name is jamir dixon and i'm a locate and mark fieldman for pg&e. most people in the community recognize the blue trucks as pg&e. my truck is something new... it's an 811 truck. when you call 811, i come out to your house and i mark out our gas lines and our electric lines to make sure that you don't hit them when you're digging. 811 is a free service. i'm passionate about it because every time i go on the street i think about my own kids. they're the reason that i want to protect our community and our environment, and if me driving a that truck means that somebody gets to go home safer, then i'll drive it every day of the week. together, we're building a better california.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it for "the late show," everybody. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right t', la show ♪ >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from san diego,

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