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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  July 13, 2018 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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have a great weekend. yped.. we'll see you. captioning sponsored by cbs booths>> president trump wants w paint job for air force one. mr. trump reportedly said he wants a color scheme that looks "more american" and isn't a "jackie kennedy color." >> i'm earl chives. i'll paint any plane for just $99.95. i've painted thousands of planes, so, president trump, let me paint one for you -- like the whistling dixie. the ultimate fantasy. the melania. the make america trump again. the myia more. or even the get busy. so come on down, president trump, and get air force one painted for just
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$99.95, guaranteed to last as long as one of your cabinet members. >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, air force dump. plus stephen welcomes carey mulligan and kate the chemist, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: whoa! >please, have a seat. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host stephen colbert. it is friday. ( cheers and applause ) that proves it right there.
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legally, you can't hoot like that unless it's friday. >> jon: friday! >> stephen: so we're about halfway through trump's european trip. so far, he's alienated all of our european allies, and faced massive protests, but has learned a very important lesson from all this: he wants a nicer plane. he wants his ride -- pimpid -- because we just found out that trump wants to update the paint job on the next version of air force one. it's either a new paint job or the plane's got to get fake boobs. (as trump) "right now you're just a seven-forty-seven. with the right rack you could be a nine-forty-ten." ( cheers and applause ) i'm just sayin'. i'm just sayin'. it's for you, it's for you. ( laughter ) he also wants to upgrade the interior. apparently, "he wants the presidential bed aboard to be larger and more comfortable."
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mr. president, we all struggle with our weight, but you're in serious trouble if you're outgrowing a plane. ( laughter ) of course, before trump left on his stupid ugly plane, he announced his pick for the supreme court: federal judge and man who just sliced his thumb off at the barbecue but insists he's fine, brett kavanaugh. now, a lot of people are afraid that kavanaugh is the vote that's going to overturn roe v. wade. so democrats are doing anything they can to stop his confirmation. have you thought about building a time machine and having him be nominated by barack obama? they're sifting through hundreds of thousands of pages of opinions and records and they think they found their scandal because turns out, brett kavanaugh racked up huge credit card debt buying washington nationals tickets.
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that... is it? that scandal is so boring, we're calling it nothing. we didn't even come up with a thing. ( cheers and applause ) what is that? what is that? it's the most boring political scandal since 1966 when lyndon johnson didn't leave a penny. ( laughter ) apparently, kavanaugh got himself into debt buying season tickets and tickets for playoff games for himself and a handful of friends. and some of the debts were also for home improvements. baseball tickets and home improvement. this belongs in the "suburban dad scandal" hall of fame. right next to dave schneiderman forging tickets for steely dan's 2007 "heavy rollers" tour, ken vandercamp getting a little mustard on his new khakis and trying to return them to dillard's, and the time mark o'neill spent $1,200 on home brewing equipment and never even learned how to use it.
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( laughter ) there's controversy brewing in the world of pizza. specifically for pizza c.e.o. and angry ball of dough, john schnatter. ( audience booing ) yesterday, schnatter resigned as chairman of papa john's after using the "n" word on a conference call. ( cheers and applause ) i'm so -- surprised. i am so surprised these people are clapping for the n word, that is terrible of you! gotta say, "papa john" already sounds like a k.k.k. title. i think it goes: grand imperial wizard, grand dragon, exalted cyclops, papa john, attorney general. ( cheering ) ( piano riff ) this is an ugly story, but the weird part is that schnatter actually used the racial slur while participating in a role-playing exercise designed to prevent public relations crises.
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pretty ironic. it's the equivalent of reaching for your safety belt, losing control of your car and then saying the "n" word ( laughter ) apparently, schnatter complained that the founder of k.f.c. had never suffered consequences for his racism, saying, "colonel sanders called blacks" and then the "n" word, plural. wow. you know it's not good when "blacks" is the second-most offensive word of your five-word sentence. ( laughter ) and you're not gonna get a lot of sympathy when you say you should be treated like a guy who dresses like a confederate colonel. "robert e. lee never got in trouble for being racist. what gives? his daughter sara makes that delicious pound cake." ( laughter ) hey, does anybody remember former white house lawyer and man whose candy store exists only if you truly believe, ty cobb? it's been a couple of months since this man packed up his mustache and left the trump administration.
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and i always assumed he would spend his retirement traveling possibly in a hot air balloon that runs on the laughter of children. ( laughter ) but perhaps i had ty cobb all wrong, because this week in washington d.c., and i have tell you this is absolutely true, ty cobb was spotted pumping his fists to the musical stylings of a punk band called "copstabber." ( laughter ) i had no idea ty cobb was so punk rock. although the signs were there. what is the mustache if not the mohawk of the face? according to people in attendance, one particular number the former russia probe defender seemed to enjoy was a song titled "i like cocaine." so, are we sure that's really a moustache? ( laughter ) i don't know. ( piano riff ) ( applause ) a photographer noticed him, and got these shots:
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here is the former lawyer for the white house, with his fist in the air, here he is giving the double finger-guns to the camera, and, of course, here he is playing a mean air guitar. wow, that guy can shred! and surprisingly, not evidence. and his presence at the show didn't go unnoticed. copstabber's lead screamer, dave poole, said "i threw beer on him, called him whiskers and got a high five from him. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but noted that cobb dipped out during "butt drugs," which i hope to god is the name of a song. ( laughter ) oh, it is? okay. okay. good. ( piano riff ( apse ) and we have it cued up? let's take a listen. ♪ i do butt drugs! almost every single day! i do butt drugs! wouldn't have it any other way!
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♪ >> stephen: that is absolutely horrifying. this is what nancy reagan warned about with her campaign, "just say no to butt drugs." ( laughter ) ( applause ) meanwhile, in space news, it was announced this week that the comic strip "peanuts" and nasa are collaborating again. "to inspire a passion for space exploration and stem" education among students. and they've already inspired children all over this country to go on the internet and google "who are the peanuts?" because the final peanuts comic strip was published in february of 2000. at this point, instead of having the peanuts inspire kids about space, you ought to have astronauts teach kids about "peanuts". "children, this is linus. he has an unhealthy attachment to his baby blanket and believes in a supernatural gourd. he's the sane one.
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charlie brown always wears the same shirt because he's clinically depressed." but i'm a fan of both of them, and i wish nothing but the best for this renewed "peanuts"/nasa alliance. but it's risky. we remember what happened last time charlie brown was in space: ( charlie brown theme song ) >> good grief. >> stephen: we've got a great show for you tonight. carey mulligan is here. but when we return, one of my producer's hits the campaign trail-- with his mom. stick around! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) do we really have to choose him to be our next spokesperson? he's so boring. hm. sounds like you're on the fence. why don't i just leave you my resume?
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and "stay human," everybody! welcome back, everybody. you know, we're only a few months away from the midterm elections, and as with any election, the one demographic that always plays a significant part are the so-called "uninformed voters." they're the folks who don't watch the news and don't pay attention to what's going on in washington. they suffer from a rare condition known as "happiness." but these low-information voters have just as much say as anyone else. so, i thought we should enlist one of them to cover this election as our very own uniformed correspondent. fortunately, one of my producers, jake plunkett, told blissfully uninformed: his mom, robyn. so we sent jake and robyn-- known by her friends as bootsie-- to cover a fundraiser for congressional candidate, max rose. this is "the late show"'s inaugural edition of
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"uninformed correspondent." ♪ ♪ >> hi >> having no previous television experience, my mom had quite a few things to learn... >> there's a lot of (bleep) in here. >> fortunately, i had the entire ride to staten island to prep her. >> do you like trump? >> no. i just can't stand the guy. i can't. >> do you like his tweets? >> oh, i don't go on twit. so i don't know. >> so, for anything you say today, i want you to say complete sentences, okay? >> okay-- why-- i'm not? >> you just have to speak in full soundbites. >> i do not like donald trump. >> no, but you don't have to slow down your speech patterns-- >> yeah, but what's a soundbite, jake? come on, stop the (bleep). explain it, jake. >> i am. okay, all i need you to do is say-- it's complete sentences. you don't have to then, like,
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speak with an accent. >> i'm not speakin' with a freakin' accent. i'm not talkin' british. (british accent) i do not like donald trump. >> that's your british? >> i don't know. what's that for? me? >> yes. you want-- you wanna give it a trial? >> no. all right. ♪ ♪ "ooh child" child ♪ things are gonna get easier. ooh, jake, come on. you always sing it with me. stupid ass. ♪ ♪ >> mom made it to the congressional fundraiser and with cookies in tow, she was ready to report. >> hi, my name is bootsie. i'm here with "the late show," stephen colbert. >> no, with stephen colbert. >> iot hi, my name is bootsie. i'm here with the late night show. >> look into the camera. >> shut-up!
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>> hi, my name is bootsie. i'm here with the late night show with stephen colbert. in-- >> no, "the late show" with stephen colbert. >> i said that! what did i say? >> you said late night show. >> i keep saying late night. what does it matter? one more time. hi, my name is bootsie. i'm here with "the late show" with stephen colbert in staten island to talk politics with mac rose. >> max! >> max rose. i know you all want to kill me. i'm (bleep) sorry man. >> hi, my name is bootsie. i'm here with "the late show" with stephen colbert in staten island to talk politics with max rose. ( cheers and applause ) >> i think you got it. ( laughter ) >> to learn some things about the midterms, mom mingled with potential voters at a fundraiser for max rose. >> okay, how do you feel about the midterms?
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>> i am not that up on the midterms. talk to-- >> kristi. um, the midterms. well, i think that we are going to have, you know, here on staten island we have hurricane sandy. >> right. >> we're gonna have a blue sandy, a blue wave. >> all right. i guess that sums it up. i'm gonna keep-- >> no, it doesn't. >> yes, it does. >> just (bleep) you. what about north korea? who's that with the-- >> kim jong-un. >> nuclear bombs, right? jim su-song. ( laughter ) wait. what's his name? >> kim jong-un. ( laughter ) >> i murder the english language! but i know what i'm trying to say. so, do you think we should be scared of him? >> no. no, we don't need to be afraid of crazy people. >> yeah. i'm a little afraid of the crazies. are you snowflakes? >> am i what? >> a snowflake. >> a snowflake? >> you know what that is, right? >> i have no idea what that is. i hope that means no. >> no, you are. you're a liberal. >> oh. >> you're a snowflake.
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>> i like snowflakes. >> so do i. so do i. i like being called a snowflake, right? so, we're snowflakes. that's right. we're all snowflakes. >> it was finally time for my mother to grill congressional candidate, max rose. >> hi, this is bootsie from the late night-- ugh. (bleep) i'm sorry. sorry. ( bleep ) hi, this is bootsie from "the late show" with stephen colbert and i am interviewing max rose. >> hi bootsie. >> hi max. why does mitch mcconnell's face always look like it's melting? >> you know what my issue with mitch is? >> what? >> my issue with mitch is that he just gave away a trillion dollars to people that don't need it. >> 34 years i've been married. when i went to the supermarket 34 years ago, i used to come out of the store at 15 bags for 100 bucks. now i come out of the store at 12 bags for 300 bucks.
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somethin' got to give. i'm getting nothing for my money. >> wages are not goin' up in the way they should for the middle class. >> um, there's this song i'd like to sing because it helps us, you know, feel positive. you know that song, "ooh, child?" >> uh-huh, i do. ♪ ♪ oooh, oooh child ♪ things are gonna get easier ♪ oooh, oooh child, things will get brighter ♪ ♪ some day, yeah we'll get it together ♪ and we'll get it all done some day ♪ when your head is much lighter ooh-oo child >> alright you gotta sign-off. >> uh, this is bootsie with the late-- i'd like to stick this in the side of my head. ♪ alright, this is bootsie with "the late show" with stephen colbert, back to you stephen. >> ladies and gentlemen, my wonderful, slightly more informed mom. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, bootsie!
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bootsie plunkett, everyone! ♪ ooh-oo child things are gonna get easier ♪ ooh-oo child things'll get brighter
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back to "the late show"! my first guest is an oscar nominated actress you know from "an education," "the great gatsby," and "mudbound." please welcome, carey mulligan! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) hi, carey mulligan! >> hi. >> stephen: nice to see you
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again. >> nice to see you! >> stephen: the elephant in the room right here -- can we get a shot of this? what has happened to your foot? >> look at this. >> stephen: oh, yeah -- wear a yellow shoe and they won't notice the boot. >> right, that was my tactic. >> stephen: so what happened to the foot? >> so this is a broken toe. >> stephen: a broken toe? yeah. >> stephen: which one? my fourth toe. >> stephen: which way do you count this, way or that way? >> this is your big toe, then it's this one. >> stephen: that one. it's crucial. >> well -- if it was this one or this one or this one we would have been in real trouble, but this one is manageable. >> stephen: how did it happen? i walked into a sofa. >> stephen: in the middle of the night or something? >> i really purposefully walked towards -- holding my daughter and i was like, right, bed testimony, smack, into the sofa. >> stephen: wow. how old is your daughter?e help in this moment of crisis?
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>> she's, like, mommy, you're fine. i'll kiss it. it's better. right, story time. ( laughter ) it's so hard to get her to go to bed, i went with it. so i was reading here the story with a broken toe, half crying, and she went to sleep. then i went to urgent care, which is a great thing you have here. >> stephen: you don't have urgent care? >> we have -- >> stephen: nothing is urgent, we'll get to you. >> it was my second visit to urgent care in new york in the space of six weeks. >> stephen: what was your first urgent care visit? >> my first urgent care visit was, so i'm doing a plea -- >> stephen: yes, excellent segue, called "girls & so what happened to the urgent care? >> so, on the first preview, we
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had a bit of mistiming thing. >> stephen: the first performance in front of a live audience. >> we did it first in front of americans here, and about three-quarters of the way through the show, things all went slightly wrong, and the curtain, which sounds like a nice thing but it's not, it's made of metal and wood, came down on my head. >> stephen: why did the curtain come down three-quarters into your play? was it not going well? ( laughter ) >> we have a very nifty thing in our play. it's a monologue, i'm talking and the curtain goes up and i go back and do all this stuff. >> stephen: sure. i go back and forth all the way through. it hit me here. >> stephen: tryin straight ther. i went like that to get away then i carried on because the lights were up, and i didn't know what the do. >> stephen: were you seeing stars? >> yeah, i was like, wiuuu, but i felt fine, then i got off and
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it really hurt. >> stephen: were you bleeding? i wasn't bleeding. i know. ( laughter ) >> stephen: so far, the toe is the better story. so you got hit on the head, play is over, total professional. >> total pro. then i got up to my dressing room and i started going, oh, it really hurts. and the director was there, and says, are you all right? and i said, no, no, it really hurts. so someone said, bradley cooper is here. i said, well, that's cool, but my head really hurt. so someone in my dressing room who is very supportive and he came to the first preview but was leaving town and wante wanto see it. i was crying on the floor. he was sitting on the other side of the wall and heard me crying on the floor. and i said, bradley, you should just come in. so he got down on the floor with me and took me to urgent care.
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( audience reacts ) so sweet. >> stephen: what was their reaction when bradley cooper came in carrying you in? please let it be him, please let it be him. >> yeah, they could not have cared less about me in any way but they were floored about bradley cooper being there, and i felt like i was giving them a gift in some way. >> stephen: you're fine. concussion? >> concussion two weeks. >> stephen: wow! yeah, a nice extra little challenge. >> stephen: sure. well, you don't need another challenge because the play is 90 minutes long with no intermission and it's you on stage. >> yeah. >> stephen: talking for 90 minutes. have you ever bitten off a role that big before? >> no, no, i have never been on stage on my own before. >> stephen: just you the entire time? >> yeah. >> stephen: okay. that must have its challenges
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but it's also just me. it's nice that you don't have to worry about somebody, you know, stealing a scene. it's just you. >> right, and it's a new play, so they don't know what's going on. i could feasibly say anything. >> stephen: you could just go off? >> no, but, like, so, in london we had a show, and we had previews and i was open and i was nakid. >> what is that? very tired. >> stephen: i thought naker was when you boil down a cow and use its parts, that's why you had mad cosem nakereres. >> it was not good. >> stephen: my apologies. o i was really nakered -- now it just sounds like a strange word. so i got on stage and talk to
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the imaginary children in bits, and i got back and thought i totally missed out a whole bit. >> stephen: you jumped? i thought i jumped a big bit, but i didn't know, so i just stopped. and i sort of stared out at the lights for about ten seconds, and then i just started talking again and i thought, i have to commit to whatever, i thought, maybe i have missed a whole bit, i'm just going to start talking. then i got off stage, but i managed to get it in o order. and my mate said, that pause you took at the beginning, that was unbelievable. the commitment! i was, like, yeah, that is acting! ( laughter ) that's what they made me the off broadway. >> stephen: that was before. ( applause ) now the play opened in london when? >> in march. >> stephen: and how long was your run here?
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>> another two weeks. >> stephen: another two weeks. okay. and what is the difference from the performer's point of view between a live american audience and rather new york and london? what's the difference between those two audiences? >> new yorkers are louder. >> stephen: like they enjoy the play more? >> audibly more. or disagree wit audibly more. >> stephen: great acting! act more! ( laughter ) what do you mean? what do they say? take a longer pause! i like it when you don't talk! what do you mean, they laugh or what? >> well, they do, but they also do like a hmm, hmm -- or this thing -- >> stephen: no, they don't. that's a 1950s beat poet like, oh little birdie in the window! >> they do. >> stephen: you should have those people removed. >> we don't county do that. we also have, can you understand
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anything she's saying cause you have an accent in the show. then we've had quite a few phones. >> stephen: that's a common complaint. >> our ushers are brutal. they come out and make a big announcement. >> stephen: all they understand is the rough stuff. you have to. has the phone ever -- >> we've had a phone participate in the play. >> stephen: what do you mean? where i got to the end which is quite serious, somebody in the front row, i said some statement about my relationship with my husband in the play, and the siri on this person's phone went, it's not about you, it's about me. ( laughter ) but in this, like, perfect pause. it's not about you, it's about me. and i literally -- it was every inch of my body to not look at this thing and, like, somehow -- it was completely bizarre, so i gave it a second and i carried
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on talking. and again people were, like, that was cool. you could do anything in a monologue. >> stephen: lovely to see you again. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: >> stephen: "girls & boys" is at the minetta lane theater through july 22 and is available for download on audible. carey mulligan, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ♪ if you love me, love me, love me ♪ ♪ like you say ♪ darling tell me all the ways ♪ ♪ tell me all the ways ♪ all the ways get more to your door. introducing same day delivery, from target. ...most people. but on the inside, i feel chronic, widespread pain. fibromyalgia may be invisible to others, but my pain is real. fibromyalgia is thought to be caused by overactive nerves. lyrica is believed to calm these nerves. i'm glad my doctor prescribed lyrica. for some, lyrica delivers effective relief from
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( cheers and applause ) steph: heerybode ck to "the la! ladies and gentlemen, you're in for a treat because my next guest is a scientist and self-proclimbed pyromaniac who is here to blow stuff up good! please welcome kate the chemist. >> i have a ph.d. in chemistry and am a chemistry hoff at the university of texas. >> stephen: what are we going to do and is it going to be dangerous? >> yes, definitely dangerous, which is why you have your goggles, gloves and lab coat. >> stephen: put the goggles on now, okay. that's good. what's the first thing we're going to do and what sit demonstrating? >> this isalled nt's toothpaste and it demonstrates how to decompose something using a catalyst. >> stephen:ly follow your lead. what do we do? >> tyke your hired je hydrogen .
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>> stephen: same thing to get me blonde. >> or bleach your teeth. >> stephen: is it poisonous. don't drink it. >> stephen: but bleach your teeth. >> i wouldn't recommend that. this is 35% peroxide. at home we use 5%. so it's way more concentrated. >> stephen: then what. dish soap. all of it. this is dawn. >> stephen: so we could clean the pelicans. >> or a penguin, absolutely. >> stephen: and why does it work to clean the pelicans? >> they use it to take the grease off the pelicans or a penguins if there's an oil spill. >> stephen: lovely. right? i'm going to use red and i want you to add blue. i think you want to do both of these because i like bright, beautiful colo practical application to what we're about to do? >> you could use this to clean an elephant seat, possibly, or blow something up. one to have the two. >> stephen: or blow up an
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elephant. >> please don't do that. sqoosh it. >> stephen: that looks like the bottom of an airplane toilet. ( laughter ) >> we'll dump the potassium iodide in. the faster the better. don't let it fall on you. >> stephen: are these people in danger? >> oh, yeah, but they're fine. one, two, three go! and then step back. beautiful! oh! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: wow!wo fc. isn't i ? >> stephenitly is! the practical applications are endless. >> exactly! >> stephen: great. this gas, is this poisonous? >> no, this is just heat. you're seeing the thermal waves being released. if you stuck your hands in
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there, it's hot. no, no! >> stephen: just putting my hand over it. >> okay. what happened is we released oxygen gas and trapped it in bubbles. so if we were insane, we could set the oxygen gas on fire. so that isn't safe so we'll set hydrogen on fire. >> stephen: you know what the hindenburg was pul full of, rig? ( laughter ) protection? >> yeah, put that on. >> stephen: what is this? these are elephant ears. this traps the sound against your head. i'll have you go first. you will use the stick. hold it at the bottom. okay, you're fine right now. you got it. >> stephen: okay. fantastic, okay. so what i want you to do is hold it at the end of the stick and you will have a nice long arm. tap the red one here. now the red one here is hydrogen gas. boring. nays long arm, don't get close to it. beautiful. don't zoro tap it. >> stephen: the most abundant
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element in the universe. tap it. to the actual balloon. yes! ( boom ) are you okay? ( applause ) >> stephen: i'm fine. you're fine? >> stephen: i'm fine. i was acting. >> okay. well, you tricked me. i believed you. >> stephen: can i take these off? >> yes, you can. i'm going to set off a bunch more so if you're sensitive you can put it back on. >> stephen: what is this demonstrating? >> fireworks! what i have is hydrogen gas, spiked with an inorganic salt. so i'll go down the line and you will see reds and oranges and greens and all the beautiful colors. suit up! all right, go! potassium! copper! and magnesium! yay! ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: that is so fantastic! i don't for a minute understand why that was legal. ( laughter ) > the fire marshal said it was okay. i'm sure it's fine. so now what i want to do is take it up a notch. >> stephen: up a notch from that? >> yeah, that was pretty boring, i think. so what i'm going to do right now really quickly here is just get this thing -- >> stephen: is everybody okay? ( cheering ) oh, now we're going to snort cocaine. >> we're going to snort cocaine. that's exactly what we're going to do. this is cornstarch and what i'm going to do is breathe fire, okay? no? yes? >> stephen: okay. i think yes. >> stephen: sure, why not? okay. >> stephen: i'm going to go. go ahead. i got this! >> stephen: what are you going
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to do? >> if you ever do tha at home, treat it like a hot pepper because you don't want the cornstarch to touch your mouth or lips directly. might want to step -- yeah, exactly. >> stephen: what is this demonstrating? combustion. >> stephen: combustion. you're treating me like a child. okay, here we go. ( cheers and applause ) >> you want to do it? >> stephen: sure, sure. really? >> stephen: i'll try it. here's what i would suggest. why don't we start with flour because flour is less flammable, has less carbon than cornstarch does. >> stephen: i put this in my mouth and blow it toward the torch? >> absolutely. >> stephen: i am going to regret this. i am about to go on vacation. >> oh, or not. >> stephen: god, this seems
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like a terrible idea. >> it is, but -- >> stephen: are we insured for this? >> no. how about i light this and i'll hand it to you. oooh! ( audience chanting stephen ) yea! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: kate the chemist, everybody! we'll be right back! everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) n!of even though geico has been- ohhh. ooh ohh here we go, here we go. you got cut off there, what were you saying? oooo. oh no no.
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maybe that geico has been proudly serving the military for over 75 years? is that what you wanted to say? mhmmm. i have to say, you seemed a lot chattier on tv. geico. proudly serving the military for over 75 years. you ok back there, buddy? ♪ get on up, mama. ♪ get on up. ♪ get on up. ♪ do what you want. ♪ do you want, let the record hop. ♪ ♪ nows the time to shake your fingers, pop. ♪ ♪ boogaloo, doing the flow. ♪ c'mon baby, go go go! degree motionsense. ultimate freshness... with every move. the more you move, the more it works. degree, it won't let you down.
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! it's friday, which means you won't be seeing me for a couple of days. unless you're going to matt's thing on saturday, in which case
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we still need someone to bring the guac. but here's something to remember me by, the best of this week's "the late show." >> let's say i'm debating pocahontas, right? i promise you i'll do this. i'll take those, you know those little kits they sell on television for $2? learn your heritage, and we will say, i'll give you a million dollars to your favorite charity paid for by trump if you take the test and it shows you're an indian. >> stephen: and trump's a real expert on dna tests, he has performed dozens of them. look, take it again, eric. there's got to be a mistake. ( cheering ) all twelve thai boys and their coach have been rescued from the cave they have been trapped in for more than two weeks! ( cheers and applause ) everybody loves this story! are you listening,
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mr. president? freeing children makes people like you! ( cheers and applause ) >> i heard you would like to call me the johnson. ( cheering ) >> stephen: yeah, sure. i like the "the." >> you don't have to do that. when you say "the." i like the "the"! ( laughter ) >> i've got something for you when i heard that you were such a lord of the rings person. >> stephen: i have been told to look behind your couch for -- i know what this is. >> i brought my sword. >> stephen: this is arwen's sword! may i? >> yes, it's been in my ac tick 15 years. >> stephen: you don't play with it all the time? ( laughter ) i don't know much about kavanaugh, but i'm skeptical because his name is brett. sounds much less like a supreme
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court justice and more like a waiter at ruby tuesday's. hey, everybody, i'm brett. i'll be your supreme court justice tonight. before you sit down, let me just clear away these rights for you. ( cheering ) >> so i have n.a.t.o.,ve the u.k. which is in somewhat turmoil, and i have president putin. frankly, president putin may be the easiest of them all. who would think? who would think? >> stephen: i would think. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: everyone would think. >> jon: that's right. >> stephen: trump couldn't be happier with shine, especially the way he handled monday night's rollout with the supreme court pick. "vanity fair" said shine gave trump downlight. he should choose whoever designed this balloon, yeah. that guy's skin is taught. looks good!
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it for the late show. join me next week when i'll be joined by janelle monae, anderson cooper and anohannzel ! goodnight! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh
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♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from dartmouth college, give it up for your host, the one, the only,


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