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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  July 19, 2018 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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will have all the news you need.. to start your day. good night. late show with stephen colbert is next, next newscast tomorrow morning at 4:30. but we'll see you then. captioning sponsored by cbs >> there was an effort by lawmakers to subpoena the u.s. translator, the only other american in the room when president trump met with vladimir putin. >> the "late show" has obtained the first interview with the president's translator. unfortunately, she was so traumatized by the summit, she brought her own translator. ( laughter ) >> uh... it was a productive meeting. the... two leaders discussed things. trump was -- uh -- very -- uh -- strong on confronting president putin about meddling. ( laughter ) >> you're saying they are looking forward to -- future
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talks. >> oh, screwed! >> announcer: it's "the late night, stephen welcomes denzel washington, congressman joe kennedy, and comedian carmen lagala, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now, live on tape from the ed sullivanwio theater in new yk city, it's stephen colbert!ñiwi= ( cheers and applause ) ( theme song playing ) >> stephen: whoo! hey, everybody!ñr thank you very much! please! sit down! sit down! that is a crowd. that right there is a hot crowd! this is the kind of crowd you want on fridays.
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( cheers and applause ) >> jon: friday! friday! >> stephen: i wish these guys could stick around. welcome to "the lateevy. i'm your host stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) you know, it's hard to imagine you could be this shocked every day by the trump administration. i mean, freshly shocked. >> jon: every sickle day. >> stephen: i think it's because every day they attach the electrodes to a different part of us. ( laughter ) and let's just say that today, they had to shave us first. ( laughter ) just to get contact. >> jon: mmm... >> stephen: because americans of every political stripes have been horrified by trump's helsinki hell sucking, where putin was playing chess, and trump was eating his own checkers. ( laughter ) choking hazard. shouldn't give them to him. and everyone around trump have spent this entire week trying to
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put distance between trump and putin. so this whole sordid thing can be behind us and the administration can go back to the people's business of caging toddlers. ( laughter ) but, today, donald trump tweeted this: "the summit with russia was a great success, except with the real enemy of the people, the fake news media. i look forward to our second meeting--" ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheering ) i don't know where this coffee cup came from. second meeting! second meeting, because the first one went so well? it's just like the exciting sequel coming out this summer: "titanic ii, here we go again. ( laughter ) "this time it ends well."
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( piano riff ) but, you know, that's kind of vague. second meeting, could happen,5!y where would he even meet with a universally condemned, war criminal strong man, who personally ordered the attack on our election? >> sarah sanders tweeted just a few moments ago-- saying the president asked his national security adviser john bolton to invite vladimir putin to washington this fall. ( laughter ) >> jon: wow... >> stephen: where does this mug keep coming from? i'm sorry. are you okay? ( piano riff ) ( cheers and applause )he's iit! nothing could have gone worse than your meeting in helsinki. it embarrassed our country. it enraged our allies. it strongly reinforced the idea that putin's got something on you. and it's the first time your party turned on you even a little. so, let's collude it again like we did last summer.
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(as trump) "thanks, guys, for cleaning all the poop off me. now, if you'll excuse me, i'm going to make a snowman out of turds." ( piano riff ) ( laughter ) ( applause ) this meeting is gonna be a tough one for director of national intelligence and statler being informed of waldorf's demise dan coats. as you may remember, trump threw coats and his intelligence agencies under the bus to side with putin in helsinki, so it's hard to imagine the look on his face when he heard about this. luckily, you don't have to imagine it, because he was giving a live interview when it broke. >> we have some breaking news. the white house has announced on twitter that vladimir putin will be coming to the white house in
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the fall. >> say that again? ( laughter ) >> stephen: dan, would you like to borrow my mug? ( laughter ) ( applause ) i get his reaction. ( cheering ) i understand -- well -- well -- blub-blub -- i understand his reaction, because it is hard to believe. can we check with someone? because i don't want him walking this back tomorrow. (as trump) "i've reviewed the transcript and i need to make a clarification. i said i'm inviting vladimir putin to washington. i meant to say, i'm inviting vladimir putin't to washingdon't." ( laughter ) mr. president, they just got you
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-- now, mr. president, you just found the strength to admit that putin is personally responsible for attacking our election. so let's invite him to the white house. (as trump) "i want putin for sushi dinner, cosby for the slumber party, harvey weinstein for movie night, and security will be handled by ms-13. make it happen." ( laughter ) here's how disastrous that first summit was-- we don't even know the bad parts yet. because remember the two hours where they were alone with just their translators? we may never know what they said. but they said something, because tuesday, russia's embassy tweeted, "the russian defense ministry are ready for the practical implementation of agreements reached in helsinki between vladimir putin and donald trump." what agreements? (as trump) "okay, vlad, you give me your capri sun, your lunchables, and two of your oreos, and i'll give you alaska and eric."
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( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) is it a deal? is it a deal? is it a -- is it a -- a -- a -- ( piano riff ) now, there is one possible deal we do know about, because in the press conference he mentioned an offer putin made about the twelve russian intelligence officers robert mueller indicted for election interference. >> what he did is an incredible offer. he offered to have the people working on the case come and work with their investigators with respect to the 12 people. i think that's an incredible offer. okay? >> stephen: (as trump) "he gave me an incredible deal, he said he never does this and his manager's going to be really pissed at him, but he threw in power steering, an am/fm radio, and he promises to make europe go away." ( laughter ) here's the actual deal: putin says russians would interrogate
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the russians, and mueller could watch. but, in exchange, russians would then also get to interrogate some americans they don't like. specifically, obama's ambassador to moscow, michael mcfaul, a nemesis of the kremlin because of his criticisms of russia's human rights record. that idea is ridiculous... so, they're thinking about it. >> russian authorities yesterday named several americans whom they want to question, including former ambassador to russia michael mcfaul. does the president support that idea? is he open to having u.s. officials questioned by russia? >> the president will meet with his team and we will let you know when we have an announcement on that. >> stephen: of course, the state department, what's th word, went ape ( bleep ) -- is that the word? is that the word? it's two words. >> jon: put them together. one current u.s. diplomat said, "the president has first and foremost his interests at the top of his mind, as opposed
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to the government's. that's very clear, between (bleep) on our nato allies and kissing putin's ass. either he's compromised by putin or he's a pussy, in which case he should grab himself. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: ow, ow, ow! whoo! whoo! >> stephen: and that's from a diplomat -- ( laughter ) -- so by definition, it's the most diplomatic way to put it. but it's not just diplomats who are shocked. let's see the full range of reviews of this offer: >> i think it's a bad idea. >> absolutely absurd. >> that would be like a victim allowing the burglar to set up the home security system. >> to even entertas to me how naive they are. >> i think that's an incredible offer. an interesting idea.
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>> stephen: earlier today, the white house finally came out strongly against... themselves. sarah huckabee-sanders told a reporter that "it is a proposal that was made in sincerity by president putin, but president trump disagrees with it." yeah, trump disagrees, but he was impressed that it was a proposal made in sincerity. donald trump is not used to sincere proposals. (as trump) "will you marry me? you will? damn it. okay. i'll go tell my wife." ( laughter ) so we know trump is in putin's pocket. the question remains: why? there's only two possible answers. either putin has something on him, or he's an idiot. and there's plenty of proof on both sides. ( laughter ) he does everything putin asks for, but on the other hand, he can't spell, he confused h.i.v. with h.p.v., he doesn't understand why we fought the civil war, and just look at this picture of him playing in a big
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truck. ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) but whether he knows it or not, what's clear is that trump cannot stop cozying up to putin. that's why, today, i'm holding an intervention. mr. president, thank you for being here. i've written my thoughts down because this is so emotional. ( laughter ) sir, you're here because we love our country very much, and you are -- in it. ( laughter ) and we need you to hear some things. when you attack nato, i feel like i'm being attacked. and your friend vladimir? he's not really your friend. okay? you're doing what he wants because you think it's fun, but what you don't realize is, if you ever step out of line, he's going to show the world that you're a big dirty clown who loves the peepee. ( laughter )
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so, instead of sucking up to dictators, we want you to find a safer hobby. like volcano parkour, or shark dentistry.çóxd or heroin.xd ( laughter ) and we've got a facility waiting for you. you can go there any time and we'll pay for it. paul manafort's already there. ( laughter ) we've got a great show for you tonight. denzel washington is here, but when we come back, kirstjen nielsen chimes in on the trump/putin situation. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ♪
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: jon batiste and "stay human," everybody! give it up for the band! whoo! whoo! whoo! >> jon: ow! >> stephen: thank you, john! >> jon: yeah, yeah! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: lucky to work with you, man! lucky to work with these people over here! welcome back, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) you know, folks, we have been talking a lot this week about how our president seems to be playing for the other team. i'm beginning to think it's not the kneeling during the national anthem that bothers him. it's that it's the wrong national anthem. ( audience reacts ) >> jon: wow... >> stephen: and, now, the purposeful confusion over putin's intentions is being continued by secretary of homeland security kirstjen nielsen, seen here thinking about baby jails.
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( laughter ) today, she said this about the intelligence community's conclusion that russia supported trump's candidacy. >> i haven't seen any evidence that the attempts to interfere with our election infrastructure was to favor a particular political party. >> stephen: what? so... they meddled in an election, but didn't care who won? that's like a gambler saying, "don't worry, i fixed the race-for all the horses." ( laughter ) well, secretary nielsen, i have acquired high-level intelligence proving that putin intended to help donald trump win, from my contacts in watching tv. >> nmplet an appropriate legal framework. >> and did you direct any of your officials to help him do that? >> yes, i did. yes, i did. >> stephen: he just admitted it. why are we acting like this is a big mystery? it would be like if at the beginning of "usual suspects" kevin spacey was like, "yeah, i'm keyser soze, by the way, hope that's not going to be an issue.
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( laughter ) even worse, i'm kevin spacey." ( laughter ) >> jon: oooh! >> stephen: a lot of kevin spacey fans here tonight! ( piano riff ) too soon? ( laughter ) but if nielsen is denying international threats to our country, at least she recognizes the threats from within, right? wrong. >> we are approaching the one year anniversary of charlottesville. when he placed blame, in his words, on people on both sides, does that make your job harder? >> i think what's interesting about that is we saw, and i think we continue to learn-- maybe there was, uh, whether it was foreign influence or different purposeful attempts to get both sides, if you will, aggressively pitted against each other. >> stephen: wait. isn't that exactly what she just said about the election? is that just her go-to answer for any situation? (as nielsen) "uh, it's not so much that i rear-ended your audi, uh, butgnh
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other. and now they're tricking you into asking me for my insurance card." ( laughter ) now, remember, charlottesville was organized by white supremacists. no foreign power could confuse us as to who was right and who was wrong. right, secretary nielsen? >> i think what's important about that conversation is that it's not one side is right, one side is wrong. >> stephen: no! one side is wrong! it's subtle, but i'll give you a clue. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: ah-ha! >> stephen: they're the ones with the torches and swastikas. we'll be right back with denzel. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back to "the late show"! ( cheers and applause ) you're in for a treat, ladies and gentlemen. because my first guest tonight is a two-time academy award winner you know from "malcolm x," "training day," and "fences." please welcome, denzel washington! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> you have no trumpet player! thank you! thank you very much. >> stephen: thank you for being here. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: i have wanted to talk to you for a long time. >> what took you so long.
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>> stephen: i don't know, i don't know, i don't know. i think you're a busy man is the problem. welcome back to the ed sullivan theater. i know you came here many times with dave. also, this theater meant something to youa childbecae i d the ed sullivan show. >> that's right. >> stephen: i remember it from when i was a child. are there any performances that really stood out to you? >> the beatles. >> stephen: the beatles. yeah, when the beatles came, that was the biggest. >> stephen: wow. i actually didn't like the ed sullivan show because i knew i would have to go to bed afterwards. you know that feeling, ed sullivan, bonanza. >> stephen: the home work done, you have to go to bed. you know the girls that scream? they sat back there. >> for the beatles? >> stephen: and for you, same thing. i think of you as a one-man beatle. >> thank you. >> stephen: more importantly. that's important enough just being the one-man beatle.
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>> stephen: i understand you not only met nelson mandela but you hosted him in your home. >> he came to the house. >> stephen: when and why was that? >> it was so amazing. he -- he was quite a charmer. we went to south africa, my wife and i. i had breakfast with archbishop desmond tutu and lunch with nelson mandela. so he meets me and my wife and he immediately says to her, oh! i see why he's the success that he is because of you! everything was about her. and she's just like -- and m di, nelson, but -- you know -- ( laughter ) no. you can imagine. >> stephen: he was working that nobel peace prize. >> exactly! so i forgot how it happened, but he was coming to america and he was coming to california, and he came to our house. >> stephen: so did you make
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dinner for him? >> i didn't, no. i would have. i would have. >> stephen: sure. but he was like a grandfather that came by, and we had some of the most powerful people in the world that came by the house, and it was a great shot of everybody just leaning in, listening to him, telling stories. >> stephen: what year was this? >> i think it's 2001-ish. >> stephen: you've also hosted oprah at your house. >> she was there that day. >> stephen: oh, wow. it's rare oprah's not the biggest person in the room. >> yeah, it was like that. you had people like that. >> reporter: sit down, oprah, he's talking. >> yeah, that's right. >> stephen: wow. what's it take for stephen colbert to get an invitation for dinner at denzel washington's? >> first, you have to talk to the one in charge, my wife. >> stephen: what's your wife's name? >> paulettea. >> stephen: paulettea, i have excellent manners.
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i know which fork to use, i promise i will clean up after myself. >> she made fried chicken for michael jackson. he came over. he could eat. >> stephen: he danced it off. ( laughter ) >> he danced it off. he did well. >> stephen: now, you are a two-time oscar winner. ( cheers and applause ) we're talking -- we're in meryl streep territory here. >> she's got, like, 75 nominations and -- >> stephen: no, i think it's only two. you have been called the black s streep. >> have i? is. >> stephen: yeah. yeah. or she's the white denzel. >> the white washington. >> stephen: the white washington. >> i don't mind being the black streep. >> stephen: the past year and a half, there have been a big year for african-americans in
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hospital -- acting, directing, starring, get out, "black panther." i understand from chad boseman himself that you are in some way responsible for him being black panther. >> because i paid for him to go to school? ( laughter ) >> stephen: how did you -- oh, yeah, because i paid for chad boseman to go to school? ( laughter ) i think you would call that bearing the lead. ( laughter ) how did that come about? how did you pay for him to go to school, how did you know him? >> i didn't know him. three felicia rashard was helping kids, and she called different people and she called me, and i said, yeah, i'll sponsor whoever. and she said, well, you're sponsoring -- or he called to thank me. that's how i found it was him. you're sponsoring this kid, the chad boseman guy. okay, chad, i want my money back. ( laughter )
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so i went to the premiere for "black panther" here in new york, and i saw ryan coogler and chad and he said, oh, i just wanted to thank you for paying -- i said, i like the movie, "black panther," wakanda forever, but where's my money? ( laughter ) >> stephen: you haven't done a superhero movie yet, right? >> no. >> stephen: why not? nobody asked me. >> stephen: do we want him to do it? ( cheers and applause ) we want to see -- >> i'll be the father to have the superhero. >> stephen: we want to see you in tights, man. >> no! >> stephen: no, come on. no! >> stephen: i saw the mighty quinn. >> i didn't have tights on in that. >> stephen: you have little white shorts on. don't you remember? >> no. >> stephen: i'll tell you who remembers. one of my producers every day does hunk of the day. >> huh-oh, huh-oh -- >> stephen: and i swear to god, this was a recent one of hers, and this is a great honor.
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i know you've got oscars and a tony, but you have officially been the hunk of the day in our office. there you are. pushing a little bit more. push in a little bit more if you can. ( cheers and applause ) look at that. boom. look at the stash. look at the pecs. >> it's the same picture. i just want to thank all the other hunks that -- ( laughter ) -- weren't as good as me. it's who you know. hunk on. >> stephen: it's an honor just to be hunky. ( laughter ) >> i guess does that make me a -- hunky? ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) no! >> stephen: no, it does not. you've got such range, i'm sure. >> you know, my son is starring in a new movie called "black klansmen," so maybe i'll star in "black hunky." >> stephen: i'd watch that. ( laughter ) the new movie "the equalizer 2"
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is twice as equal. what's left after the equalization? >> there's absolutely nothing left after this, i get rid of everyone. >> stephen: this is the first sequel you've ever done. >> yes. >> stephen: why not most better blues? malcolm 11. >> malcolm 11, oh, no. glory some mo! mo glory! >> stephen: what's your character and what is he doing? >> i don't know, i didn't enjoy it. >> stephen: great!
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>> stephen: i'm going to see it! ( cheers and applause ) "the equalizer 2" is in theaters this friday. denzel washington, everybody! we'll be right back with congressman joe kennedy! ( cheers and applause ) break a. and at expedia, we don't think you should be rushed into booking one. that's why we created expedia's add-on advantage. now after booking your flight, you unlock discounts on select hotels right until the day you leave. ♪ add-on advantage. discounted hotel rates when you add on to your trip.
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey! welcome back, everybody! haj, my next guest delivered the democratic response to the state of the union this year, but there's plenty to respond to every night. please welcome, the congressman from massachusetts, joe kennedy! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) thanks for being here. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: nice to see you. how are we doing? >> stephen: that's the question, how are we doing? >> it ain't great! >> stephen: no, it's not, but in every day and in every way, there's a new way to be shocked. >> yeah, it's a hard bar to meet, but he finds a way to meet it. >> stephen: yes. they just bury the bar now, so
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he can clear it. ( laughter ) okay, before we get into anything else, i want to talk to you about your grandfather, bobby kennedy for a moment, because last month was the 50th anniversary of his assassination which i remember as a child, one of the first memories i have is the slow train with your grandfather's casket on it. i guess the question is all we americans feel like we have some ownership and relationship to your family. we have our own stories about your grandfather. but what stories do y'all tell in the family? what are the things that you choose to remember, the stories you like to tell? >> so, stephen, it's -- there's the stories that i think you know and that a lot of americans know. the role that he and his family, his brothers and sisters have played in our history, the cuban missile crisis, the standing in the schoolhouse door, the civil rights battles, his obvious campaign for the presidency and the turmoil we saw in 1968, and
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that the important to me and my family. the there's the other side which doesn't get told, he was a dad, he was a broth snore father of eleven. >> yeah, which is a lot, turns out. ( laughter ) so it's those stories i kind of draw most on. it's the stories of them as a huge group going white water rafting down the colorado river on an air mattress which kind of changes the definition of white water rafting. it's the photos and stories they have of sailing and spending time with each other in the summers, playing football, it's those pieces that families have that i think get lost in a lot of this. it's a public family guess, but, you know, my favorite day of the year is thanksgiving because we have most of our family around a table, and it's, like, you've got to be first in line for the turkey, because if you're not -- >> stephen: i'm one of 11 children myself. i understand. you reach for somebody's skin
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off their plate you pull back a bluedy stump. >> family sport. >> stephen: do you still play football? >> it's a younger generation that ends up playing football, but it's fun. >> stephen: so in your state of the union response, you said the state of our union is hopeful, resilient, enduring. how do you feel seven months later? because i'll agree with you, it does feel like we're enduring something. ( laughter ) >> you know, the end of animal house where kevin bacon is saying "all is well"? and it's panic everywhere? >> stephen: it not a part at statistics out to me. but go ahead, i'll bite. >> the bottom line on it is i have equal amount of faith in our country. it's this administration that's letting people down, and they're letting people down every single day. i see it, i feel it, i spoke about it a couple of months ago.
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but, at the same time, you see individual americans doing amazing things every single day. this past week there's a story of a young man that walked 11 miles to work on his first day and his co-workers gave him a car. there's a story of a teacher that got on an airplane and talked about trying to -- how they didn't have enough school supplies, and the passenger behind her overheard the story, slipped her a $100 bill. somebody else on the plane gave her money. she walked off the plane with $500 in school supplies for her students. people who do gracious things for strangers every single day. i'm if a job where you get to see and hear those stories and talk to those folks. i have an awful lot faith in the american public. my faith in this administration this past week didn't quite hit that same level of confidence. >> stephen: i agree with you. i have faith in the american people, too. the majority of them did not vote for this cat.
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>> yeah, that's true. >> stephen: and i believe the american people are good people, and what worries me is they're being led to a bad place and being told that it's a good place. they're being put in a position of moral hazard to have to call something that is a sin a virtue. and what is congress doing? you're in there. obviously you're a democrat, you guys aren't in the majority. how do you think congress is dropping the ball in checking the abuses of the trump administration? >> how much time you got? >> stephen: one minute. ( laughter ) >> so a republican majority is doing nothing. look, we had a vote today, literally, to try to restore funding for election security for our midterm elections, and it got pulled out but our republican majority. >> stephen: why? raves the rationale? >> i have no idea. >> stephen: your great uncle, our president, said that those who make peaceful revolution impossible make violent revolution inevitable. what is the peaceful resolution that is most possible for us?
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>> look, it's getting back to those stories i told a second ago, it's the stories you see if you are out and around this country every single day. it's the 600,000 people that showed up in austin, texas on the anniversary of a woman's march, and all those folks going to help my buddy get elected to the senate and beat ted cruz. thank you very much. >> stephen: good luck to you and your friends. >> thank you. >> stephen: congressman joe kennedy, everybody! we'll be right back with comedienne carmen lagala! ( cheers and applause ) right now at kohl's get dorm ready with an extra 15% off! bedding sets are just $50.99 towels - only $7.64 and jansport backpacks - $35.99. plus, get kohl's cash! get ready for back-to-school
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at kohl's. do we go crunchy-cool or golden classic?. i know. one for me and one for you. now that's a sandwich! lay's. make life flavorful. man 1: this is my body of proof. woman 1: proof of less joint pain... woman 2: ...and clearer skin. woman 3: this is my body of proof. man 2: proof that i can fight psoriatic arthritis... woman 4: ...with humira. woman 5: humira targets and blocks a specific source of inflammation that contributes to both joint and skin symptoms. it's proven to help relieve pain, stop further irreversible joint damage, and clear skin in many adults. humira is the #1 prescribed biologic for psoriatic arthritis. avo: humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. before treatment, get tested for tb.
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tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if you've had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flu-like symptoms or sores. don't start humira if you have an infection. woman 6: need more proof? woman 7: ask your rheumatologist about humira. man 1: what's your body of proof?
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) for your final memory challenge... what is your online banking password? >> for your final memory challenge, what is your online banking password -- it was 'windbreaker,''s... [muttering] cat names... [baby crying] [gasping] [dramatic music] [whistle blowing] [dramatic music subsiding] [triumphant music & cheering]
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♪ you said you're not like me, ♪ you never drop to your knees, ♪ ♪ look into the sky for a momentary high, ♪ ♪ you never even tried till it's time to say goodbye, bye ♪ ♪ everybody fights for a little bit of light, i believe. ♪ geico motorcycle, great rates for great rides. ahh-h-h. hey, this one looks like a chameleon. hmm, i don't see it. oh, it's on! ( ♪ ) duck! whoa, careful chester. ( ♪ ) oh, now i see it.
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stylish. rewards me basically so why am i sliding into this ski lodge with my mini horse? because lets me do me. sorry, the cold makes him a little horse. you do you and get rewarded.
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why alit's proven.ment? no other gasoline gets you better mileage than chevron with techron. yep, no better mileage than chevron with techron. care for your car. that'll keep you moving. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! ( cheers and applause ) folks, my next guest is a stand-up comedian making her network television debut. please welcome, carmen lagala! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> hi, hello, everyone. i don't want to get married, but
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my dad has been married three times. is anyone else in re married -- to my dad? ( laughter ) yeah. i got to go to his third wedding. i don't know if you've been to one of these, but guess what -- pretty casual. ( laughter ) yeah, after one and two, he was, like -- whatever. i was, like, jeans, though, dad? he's, like, it's a dark wash, that's a fancy jean. his first wedding was in a church and the third was in the living room. ( laughter ) that's too laid back. i like to think they were just there on the couch, pitching locations and she was just, like, what do you think of just going to the courthouse? and he was, like, why even the leave this house? ( laughter ) i am dating a guy now. he likes to take the train to travel long distances.
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uh, boo. ( laughter ) yeah, the choo-choo train? which that's not the sound it makes, by the way. it's nor of like a -- aaahhh! -- sound. ( laughter ) but he's, like, no, it's romantic. and i'm, like, then you get on and wave a kerchief out the window to me -- while i fly. ( laughter ) he's, like, no, carmen. the train is magical. yeah, we're not taking it to hogwarts. it's going to milwaukee. ( laughter ) the last time we took the train, we got those two seats that face two other seats. we put our bags down, and we're going to enjoy this trip. but then another couple came and sat across from us. we're, like, we're going to hate these people, instead. this is how close they were to us physically. it was my knee, some strange lady's knee in between my knee.
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my knee again, her knee again. and then a conductor came by and was, like, oh, no, no, no, you will have to move, this area is reserved for families. it's, like, i have been scissoring this woman for -- ( laughter ) -- three states. my knee is grazing her vulva. ( laughter ) she is my new family. ( laughter ) ( applause ) they had a layover on the train. did you know they could do that? ( laughter ) they're like, yeah, hi, we know we're the slowest possible way you can get there. we're just going to make sure that happens. feel free to step on to the platform and look up at better ways to get ( laughter ) my boyfriend is, like, the view,
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though. the view from the train. we have been on our phones the whole time. we can google a better view. here's us. he's, like, no. i'm, like, that's people's backyards. that's your view? folks who have to hear, aaahhh! the view is a who's who of people who wish they did not live next to the train. but sometimes you can look out the window and see my dad getting married. ( laughter ) for a fourth time. so -- i take the train because it's cheap. i am very broke. i have one friend who has a ton of money, and she's not giving me it! ( laughter ) i think it's rude. and she'll still invite me out to eat, like i can keep up with her. do you ever get to a restaurant and realize you can't afford it immediately? yeah, there were accent marks in the name of the restaurant. yeah, i don't have accents
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restaurant money. i have misspelled word punctuation for no reason money. ( laughter ) i regularly eat at a place where the sign in the window just says, chkin'. yeah, like, i can afford chkin'. i was underdressed for this restaurant. i had a tank top, a sweatshirt and another sweat sirte over it, like a tu -- a turducken of fai. the fancy lady said, can i take your coat? i was, like, you can take my outer sweatshirt -- feed it to your horses. ( laughter ) i got one appetizer and it was $60 minus the 12 toilet paper rolls i stole from their bathroom. ( laughter ) yeah, i needed new sheets, so... ( laughter ) i'm just mad because they give
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you a giant platter, and then they put the tiniest amount of food possible on it. i ordered the lam, and the portion of lam was so small that that lamb is fine! ( laughter ) ( applause ) yeah. it is still frolicking in the meadow. it's, like, did you want more from me? or should i -- they're, like, get out of here. you're free. we love you. ( laughter ) thank you guys so much! >> stephen: you can see her headlining the vermont comedy club on august 1.
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and a bunch of your favorite pixar characters, it's going to be pretty incredible. pixar pier is now open! only at disney california adventure park.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guest will be janelle monae! now stick around for james corden. goodnight! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show ( band playing ) >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from patrick


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