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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  July 20, 2018 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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pixies!!!. k-pix nation, i late show with stephen colbert is next. >> good show, could be a great weekend. we'll see you on monday. captioning sponsored by cbs >> was queen elizabeth making a bold political statement aimed at president trump with her jewelry? the queen assess raised with a small green flower broach made of 14-k arat yellow gold and diamonds. it was a gift from barack obama. a coincidence? >> but that wasn't the only way the queen threw shade at trump. . tonight, spy and pee tape. plus stephen welcomes janelle
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monae, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( theme song playing ) hey! nice. thank you. please, sit down! thanks, everybody! welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) happy friday, one and all. you made it! we made it, we earned it. we earned it this week could not end soon enough because all week donald trump has been insulting
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our allies in nato and cozying up to russia. it's like that old saying: the enemy of my enemy is also my enemy. friends make you weak! ( laughter ) then yesterday, he invited vladimir putin to the white house. we have a copy of the invitation: please choose: chicken, fish, or the launch codes. ( laughter ) by now, it's an established fact that russian military officers hacked d.n.c. servers to help get donald trump elected. but this was no one pronged strategy. they also pronged the n.r.a. with their spy maria butina. s♪ ( laughter ) she was charged with conspiracy to act as an agent of the russian federation within the united states without prior notification to the attorney general.
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what?! i didn't know spying is okay if you just get the attorney general to sign a permission slip? "to whom it may concern, please excuse maria from the law. sincerely, jefferson beauregard-ovich sessions." ( laughter ) prosecutors asked that butina be detained ahead of her trial. they say she's a flight risk because of "her history of deceptive conduct, the strong evidence of guilt, and her extensive foreign connections." oh my god, donald trump is also a flight risk! ( laughter ) check the airport for a white man, 6'3", wig made of moldy hay-- if you see him fleeing the country, let him go. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff )
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but here's the deal -- butina does have ties in the united states. for example, she was in a relationship with longtime republican insider and pennywise without the makeup, paul erickson. these days, erickson is a super-connected power player in conservative politics, which is a big step up from his job in the '90s as "media adviser for john wayne bobbitt, the man whose wife, lorena, chopped his penis off with a carving knife." can you imagine being john wayne bobbitt's media advisor? "john, the public's starting to lose interest-- how would you feel-- and hear me out-- we chop off your penis again?" ( laughter ) as part of that gig, erickson sent bobbitt on an international "love hurts" tour that included selling autographed steak knives. ( audience reacts ) i guess it was either that or monogrammed penises. ( laughter ) erickson not only bounced around many different jobs, he also made lots of enemies. he was sued multiple times for fraud, and one source described
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him as kind of like a taller, more physically unappealing leonardo dicaprio in "catch me if you can." ( laughter ) i believe that version of the movie would have been called, "anyone want to catch me? no? okay, well, i'll be here if you change your mind." ( laughter ) things between erickson and butina got serious pretty quickly. they moved in together, but it turns out that a 29-year-old russian spy dating a 56-year-old political operative might have ulterior motives. because the f.b.i. says that, "she appears to treat that relationship as simply a necessary aspect of her activities." what? do you mean to say a woman in her twenties wasn't really attracted to this man? ( laughter ) he's got a forehead that just won't quit, ladies. ( laughter ) what pretty young thing wouldn't want to be seen around town with a shiny egg dipped in pubes? ( laughter ) but he betrayed our country.
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he betrayed our country. ( applause ) but strangely, butina was immune to his charms, because according to the legal documents released today, she repeatedly expressed disdain for continuing to cohabitate with erickson. you thought it was bad to get dumped via text. he just got dumped via court filing. ( laughter ) this guy had it bad for her. while butina was in college, she would routinely ask erickson to help complete her academic assignments, by editing papers and answering exam questions. "hmm, i don't know a lot about medieval european history. any questions on that test about selling steak knives for men with severed penises?" ( laughter ) and she wasn't just cheating on her tests, she was also cheating on him. because the filing says butina "offered an individual other than erickson sex in exchange for a position with a special interest organization." although the person politely explained she only needed a valid license and $50 to join a.a.a.
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( laughter ) and 24-hour service. ( laughter ) and erickson wasn't butina's only co-conspirator. her boss back in the motherland was russian oligarch and patton oswalt of the eastern bloc, aleksander torshin. the f.b.i. revealed that on election night, after trump was declared the winner, butina wrote torshin to say, "i'm going to sleep. it's 3:00 a.m. here. i am ready for further orders." by the way, "i am ready for further orders" is the theme of trump's next meeting with putin. ( laughter ) trump's behavior has been inexplicable. and one of the hardest moments to "explick" was when he sat down for an interview with fox news host and boy watching a video on how babies are born,
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-- ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) -- tucker carlson. ( laughter ) the two were talking about trump's issues with nato and seemed focused on one country, in particular. >> membership in nato obligates the members to defend any other member that's attacked so let's say montenegro-- it's joined last year-- is attacked, why should my son go to montenegro to defend it from attack? why is-- >> i understand what you're saying. i've asked the same question. you know, montenegro is a tiny country with very strong people. they're very strong people, they're very aggressive people, they may get aggressive, and congratulations you're in world war iii! >> stephen: that was a very quick escalation. ( laughter ) >> jon: wow. >> stephen: trump is like that health c o "fou go ate, then u kiss, then bing bang beiur be"
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( laughter ) don't do it, kids. women are poison, every last one of 'em. ( laughter ) and trump's got some huevos to call montenegro aggressive. look at how trump treated their prime minister, dusko markovic, at the nato summit last year. there with the white hair, that's markovic, aaaand... get outta my way! "your first name might be dusko, but my middle name is douche bag." ( laughter ) >> jon: oh, man -- ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: pretty good. we all have a few montanegros in the audience. but maybe we should defend montenegro because they are currently defending us. as our nato allies, their soldiers are currently fighting alongside u.s. soldiers in afghanistan. and i'm guessing things just got real awkward on the battlefield. "hey, sorry my president just said your country's not worth
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defending. anyway, i'm going in! cover me!" ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) but why is trump picking on montenegro all of the sudden? maybe because his friends in russia never wanted montenegro in nato to begin with. back in 2016, "montenegro accused russian nationalists of backing an alleged coup attempt that included plans to assassinate the nation's pro-west prime minister over his government's attempt to join nato." though to be fair, assassinating a prime minister is russian for "hello." ( laughter ) trump isone ad when he finds out whdiot appved montenegro's membership in nato last year-- and... it's trump. ( laughter ) "i did what? where's that coffee cup? i did what? montenegro? i thought nato was letting in mar-a-lago! ( laughter ) dammit! oh, well. keep going.
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somebody get the grenade launchers back from the caddies." ( laughter ) but rest assured, while all this is going on, the trump administration is tackling the serious questions facing our country like, "what is milk?" well, they're gonna find out because they've just pledged to crack down on the use of the term "milk" for nondairy products like soy and almond beverages. from now on, if it ain't from a mammal, you can't call it milk. it has to be soy juice and almond sweat. even the movie "milk" now has to be called "inspiring non-dairy sean penn product." ( laughter ) f.d.a. commissioner scott gottlieb explained the move, saying that the agency's current standards for milk reference products from lactating animals. and, "an almond doesn't lactate." ( laughter ) it does if you're doing it
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right. >> jon: yeah, yeah! >> stephen: that means nothing. that means nothing. that has no meaning. don't parse that joke. ( laughter ) by the way, the first person to seamlessly work the phrase "an almond doesn't lactate" into their wedding vows and sends me a video gets-- i don't know-- a t-shirt. tell you what, we'll send you -- we'll send you this t-shirt. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: lactose tolerance. ( piano riff ) ( applause ) >> stephen: and i urge you not to do it. ( laughter ) now this may seem silly, but there's a lot of lobbying around this issue, and if it happens, it will be a major boon for dairy groups, which have been struggling amid dropping prices and global oversupply. in fact, they've been having such a rough time that they had to change their slogan from "got milk?" to "we've got way too much milk! please buy more milk! it's good for hair maybe?"
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( laughter ) we've got a great show for you tonight. janelle monae iser yeah! but when we come back, i go to citi field to meet the mets. play ball! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) in i think that's part b2. where's a5? alan, what's this? try turning it clockwise? i've never seen a clock, mate. ahh! [unwrapping] [breaking] breaks are good. have a break, have a kit kat. this is called a help line. ( ♪ ) stop dancing around the pain that's keeping you awake. advil pm gives tossing and turning a rest and silences aches and pains. fall asleep faster, stay asleep longer with advil pm.
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: welcome back. give it up for jon batiste and stay human, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) jon, pretty exciting. >> jon: we're getting it tonight. >> stephen: i'm glad it's friday. >> jon: yeah, it feels good. >> stephen: summertime, you
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just want to get out. do you go to the baseball games? >> jon: yeah, we went to a game together last time. >> stephen: we went to a mets game. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: funny you should say that because i've always been a big baseball fan. the ol' ball and stick. "rounders," as we called it when i was a lad. to make sure baseball remains america's past time, the major league baseball has introduced new rules to increase the speed of play and attract new fans: they've limited the number of mound visits, required batters to stay in the box, and they finally neutered the philly phanatic. ( laughter ) but there are still more innovations i'd like to see in the game, so i visited the new york mets to take a swing at pitching them some idea... balls. jim? >> being a fan of the game, i trekked a city field to talk to the new york mets about some of thesish shiewnsd pitch some ideas of my own.
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>> stephen: now, m.l.b. wants to increase the pace of play in the game, all right? they've got some ideas on how to do that. hope you and i could figure out some ideas-- today to get the millennials, the snapchats, the snapchat generations, the people who wanna gram the game as much as they wanna watch the game. you ready to do it? >> without a doubt. let's try it. >> stephen: okay here's an idea. at bat, have a left-handed and a right-handed batter at the same time, swingin' from both sides of the plate. >> wow. >> stephen: that way, they got the whole strike zone covered. >> so what happens if they both swing at the same time? >> stephen: someone gets hurt. >> (laughs) >> stephen: with the new pace of play they want here, they're only allowing six visits to the mound. you know that, right? >> correct. >> we're aware. >> stephen: so we've gotta make every single one of these mound visits count, do you understand? >> i agree. >> stephen: it needs to count out there and it needs to count in here, okay, kevin? i want you to tell jerry how you feel about the way he's pitching. >> i think you're- you're throwin' the ball great. but there's a lot of room for improvement. >> stephen: okay.
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and jerry, how does that make you feel? he just said you're not good. >> i like that he started off positive, but it felt like he went deep with we could do better. >> stephen: you're hiding a lot of pain right now. >> (laughs) >> stephen: shh, shh, shh. don't- don't cover your pain with laughter. the runner can choose to go from second, straight to home, but he has to fight the pitcher-- >> all right, well-- >> stephen: --to get all the way to home-- home plate. >> i like the fighting part. i enjoy that. ♪ ♪ >> stephen: do you know why there're nine innings? >> no, i don't. >> stephen: originally, it was for the nine supreme court justices because the commissioner of baseball was kenesaw mountain landis, who was a supreme court justice. >> wow. all right. well, that makes sense then. >> stephen: even though i made it up, it still makes sense? >> (laughs) >> stephen: one ball has a black dot on it all season long. and if somebody hits the ball that has the black dot on it, everybody in the stands gets to
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beat him to death 'cause it's bat night. >> this escalated very quickly. >> stephen: it did-- all right. somebody's dropped a contact. find it. find the contact. where is the contact? lots of teams have fireworks that go off when there's a homerun. here's my idea. we still have the fireworks. but the fireworks can is pointed at the field. and they go off at random times. >> (laugh) i like that. >> stephen: just keeps everybody aware. totally aware of-- >> you gotta stay awake. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. stay alert. let's hug it out. let's hug it out. let's hug it out, all right? that's good. that's good. >> that felt good. that felt right. >> stephen: you guys feeling okay? >> i feel-- i feel pretty good. >> stephen: all right. let's do some trust falls. squat. you're monkeys pooping. everybody's pooping monkeys, okay? now i understand you've got an idea. what is it? >> yeah, i've always thought of this. one game on hbo every week, sunday night game or whatever, have the commentators say whatever you want about the player, you know? f-word, f-bombs, all the world. mic up everybody and-- >> stephen: anything goes. >> anything goes, you know, no
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fighting or nothin' but just-- >> stephen: how about this? one game a week on hbo... naked? >> (laughs) >> stephen: naked players-- naked players for one inning. okay. you get to wear a helmet and if you're batting, a cup-- that's it. >> bam. >> stephen: a lot of sunscreen. >> (laughs) >> stephen: trust fall. all this had me thinking bigger. what if baseball didn't need fixing. what if it just needed to be marketedo new television audiences. for example, millions of people love the cbs show, "young sheldon." i know tv. you guys are on tv. what do people on tv love? younger versions of beloved characters. say hello to young todd frazier. >> all right. (laughs) what's up, man? >> hello. >> stephen: todd, young todd. >> todd, nice to meet you, man. >> stephen: young todd, todd. >> pleasure. >> stephen: he's super intelligent. not great at baseball, but loves science. >> all right. well, close enough. we'll take that. >> stephen: have you seen "young sheldon" on cbs? >> i have not. >> stephen: okay. >> (laughs) >> stephen: my last pitch involved making baseball a
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little more sexy. look, i want to keep this professional. and obviously, i don't want to put you on the spot here. but you're a prime, greased-up slab of man meat. ( laughter ) ♪ ♪ women want a man who will take over half of the chores at home. prove to them you care. you've made cookies. okay? show them the cookies. ♪ ♪ here, you read a book. wear glasses. seem smart. you're reading the book. and you're, like, "oh, hmm, i love gayle king's new book." >> i love gayle king's new book. >> stephen: you don't have to say it. just act it. look at the camera like you're using the puppy for date bait. ♪ ♪ >> stephen: don't look at me. i'm not here. just look at-- >> hold on. >> stephen: blank. you're nothing. you're dead inside. now you're reading the book and it's filling you with light. and you're, like, "i love gayle king's book. if i were oprah, i'd be her friend, too.
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now i'm sad. i was hurt like that, too. but now a message of hope." ♪ ♪ i know you hate cats. but act like you like cats, all right, closer to the face, todd. all right. all right. be kind. you're frightening the cat. all right. be sexy. show me sexy. ♪ ♪ before i said goodbye, there was one thing left for me to do. thanks, man. thanks. >> nice meeting you. oh, ( bleep ). >> stephen: we'll be right back with janelle monae. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) if your moderate to severe ulcerative colitis or crohn's symptoms are holding you back, and your current treatment hasn't worked well enough, it may be time for a change.
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>> stephen: hey, everybody! happy friday! thank you, jon! ladies and gentlemen, my guest is an extremely talented artist who has been an "archandroid", an "electric lady", and now, a "dirty computer." please welcome, janelle monae! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hello! hey! >> hi, y'all! how y'all doing? >> stephen: hey, nice to see you again. >> oh, my goodness, so happy to be here.
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good to see you. >> stephen: do you remember the first time we met? >> yes, how could i forget? >> stephen: i will never forget. we were at the white house. >> at the white house. >> stephen: it was a good party. >> oh, yeah, it was an amazing party. >> stephen: it was not this president, but a different president. >> it was under different circumstances. >> stephen: it was the previous president's 55t 55th birthday. probably the best party i have been to. >> hands down. >> stephen: you've probably been to better parties. >> oh, no, that was it. there's nobody who knows how to party like my forever president, barack obama. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: one of the parts i'll never forget is when i met you, we didn't even talk. what happened was -- it's an impossible story to tell without seeming like a jerk, so i'm going to go ahead and say i'm going to sound like a jerk. it was in the east room of the white house, a big formal room, and usher was dancing in the middle of the floor and a group of people had gathered and him
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and we were all watching, and i would love to get out there and dance, and ellen degeneres put her hand in the small of my back and pushed me on the dance floor and i started doing my best. and i turn around and here you come three feet off the floor absolutely killing it and the great honor is you put your had on my head. >> i did. i gave you the juice, the energy you did to just win that night and i think you won. >> i don't know if i did because the next person on the dance floor was the president of the united states. >> i think you're right. he maybe won. and our first lady can dance. incredible. mier first lady, eers and applause ) >> we don't want to seem like we're bragging. >> stephen: stevie wonder was on stage singing to michelle obama, and paul mccartney leaned over to me and said, it doesn't get better than this.
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and i said, i'm guessing you would know. >> i don't think since that night it has gotten better ever. >> stephen: no, i don't think so either. >> that was the end of the better days. >> stephen: besides being just also both great dancer, you and i share a love for science fiction. >> yes. >> stephen: by i didn't always know. did you have authors you liked when you were younger? >> well, my grandmother would watch me. i had a young mom, so my mom would want to slip out of the house at night and go party. she's going to kill me for saying this, but my grandma used to watch me, and one of the things we shared was the love of the twilight zone, and we would watch it every night. >> stephen: did that over spook you? >> no, i was one of those kids they were concerned about. they were concerned, because i was so in it. it was not cartoons for me, it was, like, the twilight zone. it was always that. i loved being able to see these different worlds that were different from mine that allowed me to kind of escape where i was
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during those times, and it just stayed with me. i started to write science fiction as a teenager. i was in a part of this group, the young playwrights round table where if your short story was great enough, the local actors would perform it. people would perform some of my pieces and it did stayed with me throughout my work. >> stephen: is your science fiction hopeful or dystopian. >> it started out dystopian. >> stephen: yeah. and, you know, i try and give hope through those dystopian worlds, but i love writers like octavia butler, sh she'soman lov that lens. because i'm a black woman and grew up in america i love writing my truths and through the lens of a black american woman, and i think movies like "black panther" have deeply inspired me and afro futurism is
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a term that allows us as black people to see ourselves in the future and know that we make it, know that we're not the first people gone when something goes down. >> stephen: was that particularly gratifying for you to play one of the hidden figures in "hidden figures"? >> oh, yes. >> stephen: because that is a form of afro futurism that actually happened. >> yes. >> stephen: that actually is part of our past that's been hidden from us. >> oh, yeah. it was really important for me to take that role of mary jackson. she was the first engineer, black woman engineer at n.a.s.a. and she along with dorothy vaughn and katherine johnson, they were responsible for getting john glenn, our first american astronaut into space. e human computers. they were actually doing the numbers before we had the inanimate object, the computer. so just to think about if that story was not told, that would be another story about us that would be erased, and i think we
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have to really make sure that we have that representation out there and people know that we're from the getos to n.a.s.a., we're changing the world. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: now you're another type of computer. now it's "dirty computer." >> yes. >> stephen: what is the dirty computer? is that the human mind? >> well, you know, the dirty computer speaks to -- what it means when humanity, you know, says that we are full of bugs and viruses because of our very existence, whether it be, you know, you being a part of the lgbtq community, being a black woman, a minority, an immigrant, the marginalized, it speaks to what it means to say that our bugs and viruses, the things that make us different are attributes, you know, they're features. we don't need to be reprogrammed
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or deprogrammed. we're fine how we are. we, too, are american. >> stephen: that's exactly right. that's exactly right. ( cheers and applause ) now, i understand stevie -- i have been told stevie wonder has a track on this album he helped you with. >> yes, yes. stevie wonder has been a mentor. i can't even believe i'm speaking those words. i grew up listening to his music and just admiring him. h he's a world all his own to me, and he speaks from love, and you get that through every chord, progression, lyric. >> stephen: what did he teach you when you guys were together? >> yeah, yeah, yeah, well, we had a lot of conversations, and i was over to his house, actually, on easter, and i was really frustrated with what was going on during thattime. alt wi losing his friends, was h like dr. king and, you know, all
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of the people who were part of that civil rights movement, and i knew he would be able to tell me because this is somebody who has just been responsible for getting dr. king's holiday, and he's gone through a lot, and he told me i cannot allow my words of anger to get in the way of love. make sure that when i'm communicating to people that words of love are the last thing that they hear, because you're not going to win any other way. and, so, when he told me that, it's still been a challenge. it's still been kind of difficult to try to, you know, love the people who you feel like, you know, as a woman, are trying to trample on your rights. i grew up to a very hard working class family. my mom was a janitor, my dad worked at the post office. he also was a trash man. and these are people, when you strip away the artist, the dirty computer, the archandroid who i
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am as an artist, i'm still a young black year woman who grew up to working class parents and, when i go home, i have to deal with that. for me, people like stevie wonder, people who have come before me, it's good to just go back and talk to them to get more perspective. obviously, this is our generation, we're going to do things differently. but one of the things i want to do with this project is lead with love. >> stephen: that's good, because it can be tempting to answer anger with anger, hate with hate. >> absolutely. >> stephen: before you go, you know what, you famously danced on this desk. >> i sure did. >> stephen: in this theater, when david was the host, you danced on his desk over there and you and i have danced together. i would be honored if you would join me on the desk. >> come on! who are we going to dance to? >> stephen: let me say goodbye first. >> bye, everyone!
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we're going to dance on the desk. okay, let me see. >> stephen: "dirty computer" is available now, and you can see her perform on tour through august and also later in this show! janelle monae, everybody! we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) crabfest is back at red lobster! discover our largest variety of crab and crab dishes all year! like new crabfest combo. your one chance to have new jumbo snow crab with tender dungeness crab. or try crab lover's dream. sweet, juicy king crab and jumbo snow crab cozied up with crab linguini alfredo. even our shrimp is crab-topped! so hurry in and get your butter-dunkin' game on! 'cause crabfest will be gone in a snap. and now bring home the seafood you crave with red lobster to go. call or order online today.
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you crave with red lobster to go. fwhat is yourl online banking password? [audience gasping] oh, dear... [clacking metal] it was 'windbreaker,' now...it's... [muttering] ...spelled...like cat names... [baby crying] [gasping] [dramatic music] [whistle blowing] [dramatic music subsiding] [triumphant music & cheering] and now is the best time to buy. preparing classic campfire trout. say what? trout. trout. all right. you don't think i need both? why does he have that axe? make summer go right with ford america's best selling brand. now get 0% financing for 72 months plus $1,000 ford credit bonus cash on a great selection of suv's. during the ford summer sales event, get our best offer of the season 0% financing for 72 months plus $1,000 ford credit bonus cash.
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0% financing for 72 months plus do we go crunchy-cool or golden classic?. i know. one for me and one for you. now that's a sandwich! lay's. make life flavorful. i've gotta hit the loo. we can't stay here! why? flat toilet paper! i'll never get clean! way ahead of you. aww. (avo) compared to charmin ultra strong. other toilet paper falls flat. it's washcloth-like texture helps clean better. it's four times stronger and you can use less. beautiful view. thanks to charmin. and you, honeybear. awwwww. (avo) we all go. why not enjoy the go with charmin?
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♪ ♪ tap or click with your mastercard. it only takes a moment to start something priceless.
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: as you know, folks, i am a devoted catholic. but ever since i started this show, i often miss church because i'm so busy not going. ( laughter ) gets in the way. and what i miss most about church, of course, is going to confession. so, i was wondering if i could get some things off my chest with you, the audience. you won't tell anybody, right? >> audience: of course not! >> stephen: you were pretty hesitant there. ( laughter ) this is "stephen colbert's midnight confessions." ( cheering ) ( laughter ) standard disclaimer: these might
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not all be sins, but i do feel guilty about them. okay, i'll be right back. ( laughter ) ( organ music playing ) forgive me, audience. sometimes-- sometimes i pretend i ran a marathon just to get a free cup of gatorade. ( laughter ) sometimes i worry that when i get to heaven, i won't have anything to talk about with george washington. ( laughter ) "so, george, did god let you grow your real teeth back, or what?" ( laughter ) i have never cleaned my oven. ( laughter ) i just move every few years. ( laughter ) i eat trail mix to feel like an endurance athlete, while i'm really just binging on m&ms and peanuts.
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( laughter ) got to keep training. ( laughter ) i tell people i don't believe in casual sex, but the truth is, sometimes i don't wear a tie. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( laughter )keo impress peop by saying i have a self-driving
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car. and they are impressed, until they see brick on the accelerator. ( laughter ) during parent-teacher conferences, i stop paying attentions. ( laughter ) i just said the word "attentions" when i meant to say "attention." i'm going to start this joke over again. ( laughter ) during parent-teacher conferences, sometimes i stop paying attention. and the parents start to suspect i'm not really a teacher. ( laughter ) the first time i heard the word "brangelina," i thought it was a high-fiber cereal. ( laughter ) forgive me, audience. >> audience: we forgive you!
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>> stephen: thanks. we'll be right back with i love you iphone x. (sprintern) whoah! (sas-bot) nothing. hmm? nothing. (sprintern) iphone x! i love that you can unlock it with faceid. (employee) i love that it's on sprint's network built for unlimited. (sprintern) sprint's best deal ever. you know they're flying off the shelves. don't you love it? (sas-bot) love? who said that? i didn't say that. (sprintern) well this just got... (sas-bot) okay! terrific! (sprintern)...awkward. (sas-bot) yeah, thank you! (sprintern) so we'll get on out. (sas-bot) i thought they'd never leave. (vo) get the unrivaled iphone x now for just $20/mo. for people with hearing loss, that's 50% off from sprint. visit sprintrelay.com. most people.le, i look like... but on the inside, i feel chronic, widespread pain. fibromyalgia may be invisible to others, but my pain is real. fibromyalgia is thought to be caused by overactive nerves. lyrica is believed to calm these nerves. i'm glad my doctor prescribed lyrica. for some, lyrica delivers effective relief from moderate, to even severe fibromyalgia pain and improves function.
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lyrica may cause serious allergic reactions, suicidal thoughts or actions. tell your doctor right away if you have these, new or worse depression, unusual changes in mood or behavior, swelling, trouble breathing, rash, hives, blisters, muscle pain with fever, tired feeling or blurry vision. common side effects: dizziness, sleepiness, weight gain, swelling of hands, legs, and feet. don't drink alcohol while taking lyrica. don't drive or use machinery until you know how lyrica affects you. those who have had a drug or alcohol problem may be more likely to misuse lyrica. with less pain, i can do more with my family. talk to your doctor today. see if lyrica can help. and now for the rings. (♪) i'm a four-year-old ring bearer with a bad habit of swallowing stuff. still won't eat my broccoli, though. and if you don't have the right overage, you could be paying for that pricey love band yourself. so get an allstate agent, and be better protected from mayhem.
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like me. can a ring bearer get a snack around here?
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) touch shows how we really feel.
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and on walls to remove scuffs and marks. it erases 4x more permanent marker per swipe. for tough kitchen and bath messes, use mr. clean magic eraser with durafoam. brand power. helping you buy better. gives you lasting protection from tooth sensitivity. new listerine® sensitivity with first of its kind protection, it blocks tooth sensitivity at the source. so instead of your favorite foods making you feel like this. you'll enjoy them like this. bring out the bold.™ do we go crunchy-cool or golden classic?. i know. one for me and one for you. now that's a sandwich! lay's. make life flavorful.
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>> stephen: now performing "americans" from her new album, "dirty computer," please welcome, janelle monae! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ hold on don't fight your war alone ♪ halo around you don't have to face it on your own ♪ we will win this fight let all souls be brave ♪ we'll find a way to heaven we'll find a way ♪ war is old, so is sex let's play god, you go next ♪ hands go up, men go down try my luck, stand my ground ♪ die in church, live in jail say her name, twice in hell ♪ uncle sam kissed a man jim crow jesus rose again
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♪ i like my woman in the kitchen ♪ i teach my children superstitions ♪ i keep my two guns on my blue nightstand ♪ a pretty young thang, she can wash my clothes ♪ but she'll never ever wear my pants ♪ i pledge allegiance to the flag ♪ learned the words from my mom and dad ♪ cross my heart and i hope to die ♪ with a big old piece of american pie ♪ love me baby love me for who i am ♪ fallen angels singing, "clap your hands" ♪ don't try to take my country, i will defend my land ♪ i'm not crazy, baby nah, i'm american ♪ i'm american, i'm american, i'm american ♪ .79 cent to your dollar
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all that bull from white dollars ♪ you see my color before my vision ♪ sometimes i wonder if you were blind ♪ would it help you make a better decision? ♪ i pledge allegiance to the flag ♪ learned the words from my mom and dad ♪ cross my heart and i hope to die ♪ with a big old piece of american pie ♪ just love me baby love me for who i am ♪ fallen angels singing, "clap your hands" ♪ don't try to take my country i will defend my land ♪ i'm not crazy, baby nah, i'm american ♪ i'm american, i'm american, i'm american ♪ let me help you in here ♪ until women can get equal pay
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for equal work ♪ this is not my america ♪ until same-gender loving people can be who they are ♪ this is not my america ♪ until black people can come home from a police stop without being shot in the head ♪ this is not my america, huh! ♪ until poor whites can get a shot at being successful ♪ this is not my america ♪ i can't hear nobody talkin' to me ♪ just love me baby love me for who i am ♪ fallen angels singing, "clap your hands" ♪ until la teen's and latinas don't have to run from walls ♪ ♪ this is not my america. ♪ this will be my america before it's all over ♪ ♪ ♪ please sign your name on the dotted line ♪
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: janelle monae, everybody! we'll be right back.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it for "the late show." join me next week when i'll be joined by john cleese, tatiana maslany, and john dickerson. good night!
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captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause )

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