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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  July 23, 2018 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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morning at 4:30. >> they'll be here with all the news you need to start your tuesday. >> all those days left in the week. >> good night. captioning sponsored by cbs >> we begin today with a rattled president and a twitter tail spin unleashing on everyone. the president's threat of war on iran, tweeting "suffer the consequences, the likes of which few throughout history have ever seen." >> but all-caps tweets are not the only childish way trump engages in foreign policy. >> the iranian regime fuels violence, bloodshed and chaos all across the middle east. you are a big, fat ugly baby. germany is totally controlled by russia. and i'm a little jealous. i love bacon. canada is a disaster for our
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country. russia, if you're listening, i love you. the american dream is dead. >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert. tonight, the tale of the tapes. plus stephen we can also former attorney general eric holder, john cleese, and musical guest arctic monkeys, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( theme song playing ) >> stephen: whoo! ( cheers and applause ) thanks, everybody! please, have a seat! whoo! you're too kind. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert.
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( cheers and applause ) thaner much! everyone's in a celebratory mood. i'm not surprised. happy holidays! because it's shark week! merry shark-mas! or, for my jewish shark viewers, mazel-teeth! ( laughter ) and why is this shark week different from all other shark weeks? because this is the first shark week since we learned that in an attempt to seduce stormy daniels, trump invited her to watch two-and-a-half hours of shark week. ( laughter ) or as the kids call it, netflix and krill. ( laughter ) before you @ me on twitter, several species of sharks eat krill! ( laughter ) have some joy in your life! now, to celebrate the first night of shark week, bring out the fin-orah! ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff )
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with this ceremonial rolled-up "forbes" magazine, i light the first candle of the finorah. blessed art thou, kings of the sea, who maketh donald trump strangely randy. ( laughter ) i think the finorah can go now. thank you very much. thank you. ( cheers and applause ) speaking of stormy daniels, it's time for tonight's edition of "stormy watch"!
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( cheers and applause ) karen mcdougall edition! that's right. mcdougal is the former playboy playmate who allegedly had a year-long affair with donald trump, beginning just three months after the birth of his and melania's son, roughly the same time as he slept with stormy daniels. that's dangerous, 'cause imagine he's having sex and calls out the wrong mistress' name. i'm joking, of course. just kidding, he screams out his own name. "oh, truuuump!" ( cheers and applause ) trump has always denied the affair with mcdougal, but on friday, we found out that "michael cohen secretly taped trump discussing payment to mcdougal." there are tapes! at this point, nixon is going to rise from dead and say, "i'm suing you for copyright infringement." ( laughter )
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( mocking nixon ) >> jon: that's a good nixon. >> stephen: a little wet than i thought it would be. trump is very upset, reportedly saying, "i can't believe michael would do this with me." no sir, that's believable. what i can't believe is that karen mcdougal would do that with you. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) this weekend, trump defended himself on twitter, "inconceivable that the government would break into a lawyer's office-- early in the morning-- almost unheard of. even more inconceivable that a lawyer would tape a client-- totally unheard of and perhaps illegal. the good news is that your favorite president did nothing wrong!" ( audience reacts ) ( booing )
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sir, i know grover cleveland did nothing wrong. i'm a bit of a cleve-head. yeah. only two-term non-consecutive president. let's get back to my least favorite president. according to stormy daniels' lawyer and future stanley tucci role, michael avenatti, this tape is only the beginning. >> this is not the only tape. i can tell you that for a fact there's multiple tapes. >> you don't know that there are more tapes of president trump, though? >> no, i do know there's more tapes of president trump. there's multiple tapes of president trump. >> stephen: yes, multiple tapes. of trump, and they're all available on the new compilation: "now that's what i call porn star payoffs!" ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) you get all the hits! you get all thei and guess what? avenatti was right. because today we found out that the feds actually have 12 michael cohen audio recordings. ( audience reacts ) yes, 12 michael cohen tapes. "on the first michael cohen
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tape, donald said to me: pay off the hookers who i watched pee." ( cheers and applause ) that was a bit of a key change. >> jon: i heard that. i was looking for you. >> stephen: modulation. >> jon: i like that. ( applause ) >> stephen: and here's the thing, the court filing says the parties, presumably trump and cohen, had withdrawn their attorney client privilege designation on the 12 audio files. so trump could have kept the government from using them. why would he say okay? i guess he just wants to brag that he had sex 12 times. ( laughter ) "can you hear the tapes in the back? your honor, i move that we crank it up and rip off the knob." ( laughter ) of course, until the 12 tape thing happened, the big story was iran. on sunday, there was this speech by iranian president, and man saying "hello, death to america. hassan rouhani.you?" the u.s. is about to reimpose
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sanctions on iran, and rouhani warned, "america should know that peace with iran is the mother of all peace, and war with iran is the mother of all wars." mother's day in iran sounds intense. ( laughter ) do not forget to give her a card. ( laughter ) rouhani also warned trump "not to play with the lion's tail, because you will regret it eternally." that's just good advice. also, do not play with the lion's mouth, you will regret it immediately. ( laughter ) trump, no part of the lion, really. just leave the lion alone. ( laughter ) trump responded by punching caps lock and flooring it! "to iranian president rouhani: never, ever threaten the united states again or you will suffer consequences the likes of which few throughout history have ever suffered before. we are no longer a country that will stand for your demented words of violence and death. be cautious!"
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yeah, be cautious. yes, yes, yes. be cautious. you cross donald trump, and you're gonna get what the other dictators got. a friendly summit, a handshake, and if you're not careful; an invitation to the white house. ( laughter ) all right? ( applause ) seems like an all-caps note is not the way to deal with a hostile foreign leader. it's barely the way to deal with a coworker who keeps stealing your yogurt from the fridge. ( laughter ) "to the person who keeps stealing my yogurt: never ever touch my yoplait whips again or you will suffer the consequences, the likes of which few throughout the break room have suffered before. i am no longer a payroll assistant who will stand for your demented theft of my healthy dessert alternatives. be cautious!" ( laughter ) ( applause )
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god, i wish. i would like that no. >> jon: a heavy no. ( applause ) meanwhile, trump continues his strategic and targeted trade war against everyone. this is bad news for a lot of businesses, but especially the u.s. meat industry. thanks to new tariffs from china and mexico, there's now two-and-a-half billion pounds of meat piled up. good news for mcdonald's and mcdonald's playlands. "kids, go play in the meat pit." ( laughter ) in fact, there's so much surplus meat that pork processors recently have reduced some hours at plants, and some plants even have turned away hogs. ( laughter ) ugh, can you imagine a hog trying to get past the velvet ae ghter use? "come on, man, my cousin's already in there. he's a giant hog.
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( laughter ) all of this surplus meat has lead to a desperate new ad campaign: "beef: it's what's for dinner. and breakfast and lunch. also, you drink it now." ( laughter ) we've got a great show for you tonight. former attorney general eric holder is here! stick around. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) when i walked through a snowstorm for a cigarette, that's when i knew i had to quit. for real this time. that's why i'm using nicorette. only nicorette gum has patented dual-coated technology for great taste plus intense craving relief. every great why needs a great how. wlet's do it. ? ♪
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: jon batiste and band ban, everybody! give it up for the band! ( cheers and applause ) well, ladies and gentlemen, my first guest was attorney general for six years under president obama.
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i wonder if he has any opinion about the current guy. please welcome, former attorney general eric holder. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: thanks for being on. >> all right, thanks for having me. >> stephen: kind of an auspicious night for you to be here because there is a lot of legal stuff to talk about, some at the broke today. but before we got into that, what is the proper way the address an attorney general? general holder? >> general holder, your highness, something like that. >> stephen: general. i like your highness. >> stephen: your excellency.
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that's all right. ( laughter ) >> stephen: today we have learned carter page's sur vaij had been approved by a nica court. >> right. >> stephen: the actual application for the f.i.s.a. warrant has been released. has this ever happened before? >> no, it has never happened before, and that's because the most sensitive national security information goes into these f.i.s.a. warrants, and the notion that the president would first declassify it and then make it susceptible to a foia, a freedom of information act request, shows how much the president is concerned about defending himself without being concerned about national security. >> stephen: did you have any information when you were attorney general how many f.i.s.a. warrants get issued a year, let's say? >> no idea.
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i signed a lot. >> stephen: so a lot. a lot. >> stephen: lots. right. that's more than a little. >> stephen: more than a lit bull less than a bunch. >> right, sort of right in the middle there. >> stephen: a lot. a lot. >> stephen: you yourself signed them. have you read the application that has been released? >> i've looked at it. i have not read it fully, no. >> stephen: why do you think the trump administration or certainly the president has said this exonerates him? >> i have no idea. ( laughter ) i'm searous, if you look at it, it goes totally contrary to that which he says it's going to contain. devin nunes is proved to be totally wrong. it's a question of who to believe, me or your lying eyes? it paints a totally different picture than what the h's republicans and the president has said. >> stephen: the house republicans and the president
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and people are saying they're relying on the dirty dossiers, and people in favor of the carter page said no, he was a known associate of the kremlin and advisor as early as 2013 and tracked long before the f.i.s.a. warrant was issued. seems like everything that's revealed about the trump administration's association with russia is like news to few, takes on the flavor of whoever is the person talking about it. >> but i think there's a certain objective analysis one can do. >> stephen: i wish there was. there is. there are these things called facts, and then there is this other stuff. >> stephen: i've got to write that down. facts -- >> facts. >> stephen: it's just been a while. >> they still exist. the sun is the center of the solar system, that's still true. there are certain facts. and if you look at this f.i.s.a. warrant, you will see that it is not simply based, as they have been trying to say it's all
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based on the steele dossier, it is clear it is not. there are a whole other range of things that go into the application of the court for the surveillance. >> stephen: now, you actually tweeted last week, you said "the trump presidency will thankfully end the damage repaired. the united states must resume its role as role leader ." what we witnessed today speaking of the press conference with putin was shamefully siding with putin and not our intel community and blaming america. collusion in plain sight. what do you mean by collusion in plain sight? >> when you have a press conference the whole world is watching and you have vlad the terrible next to you and you are saying that, in essence -- not in essence, you are saying i am siding with the bad guy as opposed to the unanimous opinions, decisions, analysis of the intelligence community of the united states, the nation that you are supposed to lead, you are putting your arms around
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this person and giving the intelligence community the heisman. that, from my perspective, is not maybe criminal but it is certainly collusion. >> stephen: all right, let's talk about immigration for a second. the present attorney general jeff sessions announced a few months ago that there was going to be a zero tolerance policy for people crossing the border of the united states including asylum seekers, that you will be put in jail, your children separated from you, and it was stated this was meant to be a deterrent, basically to use utility as a deterrent. people said that the obama administration separated families and they certainly deported more people than anybody had up to that moment. is it true that, under the obama administration, that families were separated as well? >> there might have been family separations but it was not a matter of policy, and to the extent that it did happen, there were attempts made by putting these things together.
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didn't work out too well, had family detention centers so people who were detained could be with their families. about the policy, the administration said a zero tolerance policy, knowing this would mean separation from people charged with misdemeanor crimes to deter people from coming to the united states. it's inhumane, cruel, un-american, inconsistent with who we say we are as a nation. >> stephen: you've said that session has to -- ( applause ) you've said attorney general sessions, said he needs some guts to say no to the president. what do you mean by that? where should he have done that? >> any attorney general has got to have the guts to say no to the president. >> stephen: when did you say no to barack obama? >> i can't reveal that just yet.
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interestingly, i didn't really ever have to say no to president obama because he understood that the justice department has to be independent of the white house, there has to be a certain independen --independence theren wall between the two buildings. >> stephen: did you actually investigate the abuse of enhanced interrogation techniques toward the beginning of the obama administration because i understand that was a division between the two of you. >> i wasn't going to go there, but, yeah. that was a place where i took a different view. he said what he wanted to do was to put things behind us and to move ahead. i, after looking at some of the investigative material around those enhanced interrogation techniques, mailed the determination it was incumbent upon me, as attorney general, my justice department to look into that. i don't think this is something he particularly liked but he respected the fact it was attorney general of the united states.
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>> stephen: he didn't call up and say knock it off, no tense conversations in the office? >> no, and no press conference where he was saying belittling names about me. >> stephen: the press has been hammered by president trump. >> yeah. >> stephen: do you think if president obama had been saying that you were weak, you were wrong, that he wished he hadn't picked you for a year, that you would have stayed? >> no. >> stephen: why do you think the present attorney general is staying? i'll give you my interpretation. this is the most charitable thing i could say. i would say he could be acting out of patriotic humility because he knows he believes in the rule of law and might be some check on the president's authoritarian. >> that's unbelievably charitable. i think what you have to do when you take these jobs is to understand that the -- you have to protect the institution, but you are responsible for leading,
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and that ultimately is more important than job retention. when you are attorney general, you have the ability to hang portraits of your predecessors, four of them. one person i had was elliott richardson who made the determination he would not follow the directions of president nixon and fire the special prosecutor. he was there just to remind me that at some point you might have to say no to the president and that's going to cost you your job. >> stephen: april ryan said breaks sources close to eric holder, the former obama attorney general, said he is seriously considering throwing his hat into the ring for the 2020 presidential bid. general holder -- ( cheers and applause ) >> wow. >> stephen: just taking the temperature of america now? >> just looking to see potential contributors, and cabinet members. >> stephen: are you seriously considering throwing your hat in the ring for 2020? >> i'm thinking about it.
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i said i'll make a determination sometime next year. my focus now is on 2018, the midterms and trying to make sure -- ( applause ) -- trying to make sure that democrats take back the senate, take back the house and that we do well importantly at the state level so that we -- we're going to be picking half the people right now ho w.h.o. will be doing redistricting in 202 is, and we have a real problem in this country with partisan gerrymandering, so i want to make sure we elect as many people at the governing and state level so that when 2020 comes we have a fair redistricting process. >> stephen: general, thank you so much for being here. >> thank you. >> stephen: former attorney general eric holder, everybody! we'll be right back with a big furry hat featuring a special guest. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) man: are unpredictable crohn's symptoms following you everywhere? it's time to take back control with stelara®.
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey! welcome back, everybody! you know, folks, thanks so much, everybody. look, i take this job seriously, because i know, as a late night host, i wield tremendous power. as much as history's most ruthless tyrants... genghis khan, kim jong-un, and harry styles. ( laughter ) we all have two things in common: taylor swift won't return our calls, and we all have a big furry hat! ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause )
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( laughter ) now that this hat is upon my head, all proclamations i make are now and forever law. let us begin! >> not so fast, stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: john cheese! my furry hat adversary! my hatversary, if you will. ( laughter ) how dare you show your face here again? >> i'll show you more than my face! i'll show you my hat! ( cheers andpplaus >> stephen: hold it right there! my hat decrees that no hat shall be taller than mine!
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( laughter ) >> well played, colbert. but my hat decrees that no hat shall be wider than mine! clap clap! ( cheers and applause ) let the most hat win! >> stephen: let us begin! ( drum beat ) hear me!
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from this moment on, the phrase "no offense" is banned. it shall be replaced with the more honest phrase, "i'm about to insult you to your face." ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> henceforth, hamburger helper must accept that it can only help hamburger if hamburger admits it needs help. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: be it decreed! planet hollywood and the hard rock cafe will combine into a single restaurant called "a yard sale with chicken fingers." ( laughter ) >> france shall immediately give the world cup trophy to england! or else we shall give them back to germany.
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( cheering ) ( applause ) >> stephen: there must be songs as good as prince's "little red corvette" for cars that are not as cool. for example: "subaru hatchback." ( applause ) >> if you see me on the street, do not yell at me about "dead parrots" or cheese shops. those sketches were 50 years ago, and since then, my actual parrot died choking on a piece of cheese. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: i hereby decree: any adult forced to ride "it's a small world" must be given "it's a large glass of alcohol." ( cheers and applause ) >> restaurants must also give crayons to adults.
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what makes you think we would rather talk than color a pirate? ( laughter ) >> stephen: henceforth: anyone who makes a movie as funny as "the holy grail" must pretend to enjoy it when fans repeat their lines to them. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! ( laughter ) >> how nice. >> stephen: thanks! i'm a huge fan. the hat has spoken! ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back with more john cleese! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) for your final memory challenge... what is your online banking password? [audience gasping] oh, dear... [clacking metal]
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back to "the late show"! ( cheers and applause ) ladies and gentlemen, i'm so happy for you because my next guest is a comedy icon and cofounder of monty python. it's my pleasure to have him here tonight. please welcome, john cleese! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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>> stephen: thank you for being here again. >> well, thank you for allowing me to meet eric holder. >> stephen: oh, you got to meet him? >> just now. he wanted a photograph with me. cheesy old comic like me. a great man. if he runs, i think i might come and help him. i think he's fantastic. i really do. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yeah, he seems like he's going to do it. >> yeah. >> stephen: when you say, yes, i'm thinking about it, that's means you've already done it. that's washington for raising money right now. well, thank you for being part of tonight's furry hat. no one else has shared furry hat but you. you're it. >> very special. ( cheers and applause ) i want to thank you, i feel very proud of that. >> stephen: nothing makes me happier than to see john cleese in a truly stupid hat. ( laughter ) >> i was watching you tonight. you're sillier even than i thought. >> stephen: oh, good! what an honor! >> it's a very high compliment.
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>> stephen: okay, so let me ask you something here -- why no sir john cleese? surely you have contributed as much to british culture has sean connery or somebody like that who's already got a "sir." >> i'm too naughty! ( laughter ) >> stephen: isn't it sir elton john? elton john was naughty! >> yes, but i'm untrustworthy and irreverent and vulgar. >> stephen: did you borrow money from the queen and never paid back? ( laughter ) >> no, earlier i was offered a cbe, which>> sphen: commander ot british empire. >> stephen:. god, you're good! yes! ( cheering ) >> stephen: what is nighthood, o.b.e.? >> yeah, but let me tell you about the c.b.e. it's commander of the british empire. i said, can i call myself
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commander cleese, like commander bond? and they said, no. and i said, what is this british empire? and they said, well, there isn't one anymore, really. ( laughter ) so that's not worth it. >> stephen: how is it different? is it better? >> what? >> stephen: commander? there's commander of the british empire, the order of the british empire, a member of the british empire, and these things are given out to people to make them feel better about themselves is that and what's the best one? >> the best one is the one i was offered, and that was c.b.e., and then i was offered a pira y? >> stephen: lord? i could have been lord cheese. >> stephen: your family name was cheese. >> my dad's name was cheese when he went into the first world war
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to fight. i wish he changed it to something sensible. i was always teased in school. why didn't he change it to rockefeller? no, i was offered a pirage. >> stephen: what do you get? i was offered a party in england called the liberal democrats, and at the end of it when he resigned as leader, he said, the house of lords, and i realized i was asked if i wanted to be lord cleese, and i loved the idea because it would have annoyed the pythons so much. >> stephen: of course, because you're countercultural. >> oh, yes, and they would have been very cross. ( laughter ) and he said, but the only thing is, you have to vote all the time in the house of lords. i said, does that mean i have to be there in the winter? he said, i'm afraid. so and i said, pass.
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( laughter ) because i only have one thing on my bucket list and that is never to be cold again. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, yeah, i can see that. i can see that. donald trump, you're familiar with donald trump? >> i've heard the name. >> stephen: yes. ( laughter ) he says he thinks the british like him. do they like him? >> no. ( laughter ) >> stephen: he likes them. i think he likes people from the u.k. i think his mom is scottish. i think his mom was born in scotland, but he doesn't trust continental europeans. >> he doesn't trust anyone in charge of a democracy, does he? >> stephen: no. >> it's true. >> stephen: bit of a milestone "a fish called wanda "-- ( cheers and applause )
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sure. celebrates its 30t 30th anniversary this month. it has a sad but extraordinary honor of some kind. when it first came out, a man, i believe he was danish -- >> he was a dentist in the second largest town in denmark. >> stephen: tell the people what his reaction was to seeing the movie. >> well, he was famous, and after about five minutes, h he started to laugh, and he never stopped. ( laughter ) he had a heart attack on the third dog, and passed away and had to be carried out of the cinema during the -- >> stephen: you literally killed a man? >> i killed an. >> stephen: wh was your reaction when you found out? >> delight. ( laughter ) >> stephen: we've all got to go some time. >> we've got to go some time. >> stephen: i wouldn't mind
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dying. >> i'm not sure how one should go, but i think laughing is probably the best. but i have to tell you about kevin kline. he was wonderful. i said to kevin, i've got to tell you, we killed man. he said what are you talking about? so i told him about the dentist. he said, exactly which scene? ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: well, john, lovely to see you. thank you for being here. >> thank you. >> stephen: john cleese, everybody! we'll be right back with a performance by arctic monkeys. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) your all you can eat riblets. okay. enjoy. thanks. ♪ ♪ when i touch you like this it's so hard to believe ♪. ♪ but it's all coming back me. ♪ baby, baby, baby. mee th♪ ♪ and when you hold me like that. ♪
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all you can eat is back, baby. applebee's. eatin' good in the neighborhood. with target school blist assist.l ♪ come on! just find your school, find your grade, order your list, baho, won andone. it's about time they gave left and right twix® their own packs. they got about as much in common as you, a mortician, and me, an undertaker. (chuckling) or you, a janitor, and me, a custodian. (laughing)
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or you, a ghost, and me, a spirit. (laughing) left and right twix® packs. it's time to deside.
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( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: now, performing "the ultracheese" from their album, "tranquility base hotel & casino," ladies and gentlemen, arctic monkeys! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ still got pictures of friends on the wall ♪ i suppose we aren't really friends anymore ♪ maybe i shouldn't ever have called
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♪ that thing friendly at all ♪ get freaked out from a knock at the door ♪ when i haven't been expecting one ♪ and didn't that used to be part of the fun ♪ once upon a time? ♪ we'll be there at the back of the bar ♪ in a booth like we usually were ♪ every time there was a rocket launch or some big event ♪ what a death i died writing that song ♪ start to finish, with you
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looking on ♪ it stays between us, steinway, and his sons ♪ 'cause it's the ultracheese ♪ perhaps it's time that you went for a walk ♪ dressed like a fictional character ♪ from a place they called america in the golden age ♪ trust the politics to come along ♪ when you were just trying to orbit the sun ♪ when you were just about to be kind to someone ♪ because you had the chance
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♪ i've still got pictures of friends on the wall ♪ i might look as if i'm deep in thought ♪ but the truth is i'm probably not ♪ if i ever was ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ oh, the dawn won't stop weighing a tonne
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♪ i've done some things that i shouldn't have done ♪ but i haven't stopped loving you once ♪ ooh ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you. >> stephen: arctic monkeys everybody! we'll be right back.
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>> stephen: that's it for "the late show," everybody. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be tatiana maslany, ambassador michael mcfaul, and brian huskey. now stick around for james corden. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show
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>> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from

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