tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS November 2, 2018 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
political news for you coming up starting monday. we'll see you then. captioning sponsored by cbs >> hi! i'm jeremy farblah, a life-long georgia resident. i want you to know that this november 6, we all need to exercise our right to vote. and i will, as soon as a famous person shows up at my door. but it doesn't have to be an a-lister. i'll take any celebrity-- goose from "top gun," "stranger things" kid, flo from those progressive commercials. so, this november 6, get out and come to my house if you're a celebrity! also, don't park in the driveway. i'm having french drains put in. paid for by the committee for jeremy farblah to meet a celebrity. oh, gotta go. i think kevin james is here. ah, never mind. it's just the u.p.s. guy. oh, wait, it is kevin james.
>> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, only the good vote young. plus, stephen welcomes billy eichner. and iztkah perlman. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: woooo! let's do it! ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: thank you, sir. thank you, sir. what's going on? let's do another. you want to do another. >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: what? what?
thank you, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) please have a seat, everybody. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. it's friday. it's friday. ( cheers and applause ) we've earned it. we've earned it. and the midterm elections are just four days away. there's so much excitement, even republicans in georgia can't suppress it. and on tuesday, tuesday, this "late show" right here will be live from the ed sullivan theater. of course-- ( cheers and applause ) big night. big night. >> jon: we're going to be right up here live! >> stephen: of course, the electorate has changed some since last we voted. because in this election, millennials will pass baby boomers as the largest voter-eligible age group. yes! ( cheers and applause ) boom! >> jon: that's right. >> stephen: the torch has been
passed to millennials, who immediately dropped it because it's way easier just to use the flashlight on your phone. and the younglings are paying attention to the midterms. according to a new harvard study, "young people could vote next week in numbers not seen in more than 30 years." ( cheers and applause ) i hope so. >> jon: i want to see that. >> stephen: i hope so. >> jon: i want to see that. >> stephen: do it. 30 years! it could be the highest turnout since the late '80s, when young people came out in force for the presidential ticket of madonna/beetlejuice '88. and the early voting numbers back it up. compared to the last midterms in 2014, 18- to 29-year-old turnout is five times higher in texas, five times higher in nevada, four times higher in georgia, and three times higher in arizona. ( cheers and applause ) that's right! three times higher in arizona. this year, all three people who
are under 30 in arizona voted. good are you! >> jon: yeah. please, please, wear sunscreen because that old lady on the bench is 26. and universities are doing their part, too. the schools of the big ten have announced the big-ten voting challenge to see which school has the highest eligible voter turnout. now, i'm a proud big-ten alum. and i want all my fellow northwestern wildcats to get out there and vote and win this thing. but given the swing states this year, i'm also okay if ohio state or wisconsin just crush us. but still, some young people-- ( applause ) some young-- but still, some young people aren't planning to vote. and "new york" magazine asked 12 disengaged millenials why. some of the reasons are, well, reasonable, like: "it's incredibly difficult for hourly workers to vote." "it's such a tedious process to even get registered." and, "growing up, going to catholic school, everything we learned had a skew on it. i think that shaped me to hate politics."
now, as a catholic, it pains me to hear that. our religion isn't about teaching you to hate politics. it's about teaching you to hate yourself. ( laughter ) ( applause ) why did i-- why did i say that? now the baby jesus is crying. ( laughter ) but there are dumb reasons, too, like this young man from texas who said, "i tried to register for the 2016 election, but it was beyond the deadline by the time i tried to do it. i hate mailing stuff. it gives me anxiety." ( laughter ) spoken like a true patriot. as patrick henry once said, "give me liberty or give me xanax. i gotta go to the post office." ( laughter ) then th aon-voter in ohio: "my friend gave me 'the prince,' by machiavelli. i got into hellenism. i read cicero, livy. later on, i got into voltaire. i never felt certain enough to vote."
( laughter ) academic theory is fun, but it's no excuse for inaction. that's why i can't pay my bills with a check that just says, "money is a construct!" ( laughter ) now, this election has been very divisive. i think we all know that. but most of us believe that deep down, we all have the same hopes and dreams. and we are wrong. because a new survey says republicans and democrats don't just disagree about politics. they have different sexual fantasies. you can trust the survey, because they took their time. i mean, the voters were repeatedly polled. ( laughter ) apparently, republicans were more likely to fantasize about things like infidelity, orgies, and partner swapping, from 70s-style "key parties" to modern-day forms of swinging. that's right, republicans are the party of family values. and they'd really value a chance to party with your family. ( laughter ) but that's not all! ( applause )
some very, very open-minded people here tonight. but that's not all. republicans also reported more fantasies with voyeuristic themes, including visiting strip clubs. how uptight do you have to be that visiting a strip club is your fantasy? ( laughter ) "a strip club? there's no way you could randomly be in a room that also has a naked lady. but once a year, on my birthday, i do drive past one." things are a little different on the other side of the aisle, democrats were more likely to fantasize about b.d.s.m. activities, particularly masochism, which involves deriving pleasure from the experience of pain. oh, oh, really? so getting their asses kicked by the republicans was some sort of sick role-playing? "look, look, i'm begging you baby, baby, baby, baby, i'm begging you, dress up like mitch
mcconnell and obstruct me." >> jon: oh! ( laughter ) wow! >> stephen: it's a scientific study! according to the study's author, both parties are attracted to what they consider taboo. and that stems from a psychological principle known as "reactance," which stipulates that when we're told we can't do something, we want to do it even more. if you'd like to learn more about reactance, you can't, because i won't let you. ( laughter ) you like that, baby? you like that? of course, there are some sexual kinks that transcend party. for example, i saw this headline the other day: "a professional mermaid says unwanted advances from merverts is the worst part of the job." just like that, you've been made aware of a new profession and its very serious problems, and the word mervert. apparently, professional mermaids are costumed performers
who work at aquariums and birthday parties. and according to one of them:io, often sexual in nature, and we call those people merverts." that is a shame, and i just want to assure you, not all men are merverts. some of us are complete gentle-mern. ( laughter ) but these merverts think it's okay to send mermaids creepy messages like, "i love to watch you swim" and, "you're delicious, even without any tartar sauce." >> audience: ooooh! >> stephen: ugh. ugh. tartar sauce... i've tolerated this injustice for about 30 seconds, and i'm not going to take it any longer. listen up, you merverts and other seavients: professional mermaids don't exist to be fetish objects in your sick, ocean sex fantasy. professional mermaids exist to provide an unrealistic body image to young children and young fish.
( laughter ) and i don't want this mervert problem-- i don't want this mervert problem to affect your other cherished human-sea creature performers. i'm talking your womanatees, your nar-maids, and your feeels-- that's a female eel. ( laughter ) some of those are made up. ( laughter ) meanwhile, back on dry land, a florida mayor is accused of soliciting sex from a constituent in exchange for speed bumps. this type of corruption is often referred to as "pay to play," but let's just call this one "humps for bumps." ( laughter ) ( applause ) i struck a nerve. that really struck a nerve. the story is speaking to people. according to florida resident catherine padilla, she was propositioned by mayor of lanterna and man suggesting his jacuzzi at a weird time, david stewart. and padilla suspects she's not
the only one who the mayor offered sex in exchange for speed bumps. she said, "if there's anybody out there that has had this happen to them out there, please come forward now, because it's not too late." hmm. i suggest interviewing anyone who lives on this street. ( laughter ) all of that-- is that a real street? is that a real street? i don't know. could be. but that's small-town politics. i'm focused on the big vote that will re-shape america's political landscape: the arizona election for state mining inspector. it's a hot race between republican joe hart and democrat bill pierce. and if they look like perfectly normal candidates, that's because these are just stock here's the real joe hart and bill pierce. now, there's a lot going on in these two pictures, but we're going to go with emergency room triage rules and start with the guy who's bleeding from his face.
that's hart's mug shot after a 2017 arrest following a fight that took place between the 73-year-old hart and his 59-year-old nephew. now, i know that sounds bad, but fighting your nephew is a long arizona tradition. it's actually the arizona state motto. and how did ol' nephew-strangler here get into the mine inspecting field? according to him, "i knew how to push an ore car by the time i was seven years old. my dad thought if you's old enough to eat solid food, you's old enough to work in the mine." also, "you's old enough to fight an uncle!" "come on! i'm a toddler! but i'm tall enough to punch you in the gem stones! let's do this!" now, hart's opponent is bill pierce, who, remember, looks like johnny cash had a baby with father time. and what are his credentials? well, according to pierce, a fire broke out at the cotton gin he was working at, and he had to fight the fire himself, during which, he fell backwards into a
seed pit, cracking his head open and breaking more than a dozen bones on the left side of his body. "they called my wife and told her i was dead. turns out, i wasn't dead, so they pulled me out of there. i learned the hard way that a safe work environment has to be a priority, so that's why i am running." i'm sorry, is he-- ( applause ) i'm sorry, is he running in 2018 or 1820? we have a great show for you tonight. billy eichner is here! but when we come back, i have an exclusive interview with the president of the united states. ♪ ♪
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and stay human. give it up for the band! there's the band right over there. happy friday, jon! happy friday. >> jon: happy friday to you, too. >> stephen: good to see you, man. there's nothing like a friday audience. >> jon: these people are lit. >> stephen: i'll tell you what. you got me excited for the weekend. i'm going to go out and order some of these. this is "whose boat is this boat?." this is the-- this thing right here. >> jon: that's right, that's right. >> stephen: this is available-- this is available-- number one book on amazon right now?who do w off? knocked off t. y donkey. and carlson tucker's book, "ship
of fools." tucker carlson is giving his money to charity as well as we are. >> jon: which charity. >> stephen: i don't know what charity tucker is giving all of thez proceeds to. if you out there know, go ahead and tweet it at us so i can help. because i want to help donate to whatever charity tucker is giving all of the money from his book. >> jon: it's a good thing to do. >> stephen: that's what we're doing. victims of hurricane michael, hurricane florence. everybody in those states, please get out and vote. so important, okay. ( applause ) and all of the states, all of the states. folks, the midterms are just days away, and president trump has been pulling out all the stops to rile up his supporters. he's stoking fears about the migrant caravan, ordering troops to the border, threatening trans rights, promising a tax cut he can't deliver, and even trying to end birthright citizenship.
he hasn't thrown out this much red meat since all of trump steaks started going bad. he's also appearing at g.o.p. campaign rallies to show support for his favorite candidate: donald trump. >> i'm not on the ballot, but in a certain way, i am on the ballot. i'm not on the ticket, but i am on the ticket. you're voting for me in 2018. really a vote for me. a vote for me. a vote for me. think of it as the same thing as me. i want you to vote-- pretend i'm on the ballot. >> stephen: "just pretend it's someone else." the same advice he gave stormy daniels. >> jon: ooooh! >> stephen: but while trump is publicly stumping for g.o.p. candidates, privately he's distancing himself from a potential republican thumping on election day, telling confidants that he doesn't see the midterms as a referendum on himself. it's like he does with everything: if it's a success, he takes credit.
if it's a failure, he names it eric. so how does he think-- how does he think his campaign strategy is working for the g.o.p.? well, here to tell us himself in an exclusive interview is the president of the united states and star of "our cartoon president," president donald trump. thank you so much for joining us. thank you. big fans here, mr. president. thank you for joining us, mr. president. >> thanks for having me, stephen. we gotta make this quick. in just a few minutes, the caravan of guatemalans from the middle east will be here to turn your babies transgender. >> stephen: come on. you're clearly just playing on people's fears. >> fake news, stephen. the lying media doesn't cover the good things i'm doing, like the tremendous tax cut i'm going to give to middle-class people on election day. your refund will be delivered to your door sometime between 8:00 a.m. and midnight. gotta be home to get it. >> stephen: don't, don't-- he's lying. mr. president, what are you hoping to achieve next week?
>> we're not just gonna win the senate. we're gonna win the house, the british parliament, the world series, westminster kennel club's "best in breed," and i'm going to be america's next top model. you gotta smile with your eyes, stephen. it's called smize. yeah. eh? >> stephen: it's-- it's lovely. so you're saying no blue wave? >> blue wave? it's going to be a red wave. you see that? i changed the colors of the words, and now you look stupid. >> stephen: why are you so confident republicans will win? >> because they're not voting for republicans. they're voting for me. the whole ballot is basically me. i mean, it's white, it's confusing, and you only see it in a gymnasium once every two years. >> stephen: okay, that means if the republicans lose, then so do
you. >> what?! i'm not on the ballot. this has nothing to do with me. if it was up to me, we wouldn't even have elections. we'd just give the nuke codes to the guy with the most aggressive handshake. which reminds me, this sunday, you gotta watch the "our cartoon president" election special on showtime! it's gonna be like the midterms: all about me. >> stephen: as long as we're plugging here, i actually have my own election special. "the late show" is live on tuesday. >> don't care. unless it kills in the ratings, in which case, i made that one, too! >> stephen: cartoon trump, everybody! we'll be right back with billy eichner. give joy, get joy... at kohl's! with an extra 20% off! give jammies give flannel for the family... and soft, cozy throws - just $23.99!
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back to the show! you know my first guest as the creator of "billy on the street" and one of the stars of "american horror story." please welcome billy eichner! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> hey, guys! >> stephen: hi, nice to see you. >> hi! out.most crushed you on my way steph: a little bit. >>'m so excited te here! ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: i like your-- i like your suit and shirt combination. it's very fall. it's very pumpkin spice. >> i'm not that basic, thank you, stephen. it's called "mustard," thank you very much. >> stephen: okay, my
apologies, my apologies. good to see you again. >> i'm so happy to be here. >> stephen: and i'm very excited that "billy on the street" is coming back. >> it's back! "billy on the street" is back! >> stephen: it's been-- how long were you off the air? >> we did five sea breeze on tv. you were in our very last episode on tv. maybe you ended it. maybe that's why-- no, no, no. i ended it. iened it about a year and a half ago. but i wanted to bring it back in a way that allowed me to do other things-- "american horror story"nd other things like that. so we're now doing "billy on the street" segments for the internet. everyone like the internet? ( applause ). >> stephen: i'm familiar-- i'm familiar with the internet. >> we do youtube segments. we do it with lyft, the ride-sharing app. they've been fantastic. i thought the world is so quiet right now, not much going on, so i wanted to add noise to the conversation. i missed shouting people on the streets so i'm back. we have videos with emma stone. one we just released with
tiffany haddish -- >> stephen: i think we have a clip of you and tiffany haddish. what are you doing. >> i think i need to set this up. halloween was this week and there's the classic holiday movie "hocus-pocus," and i'm a gay man, tiffany, obviously, a black woman. we decided we wanted to do a more diverse, inclusive remake of "hocus-pocus. i would be a gay man witch, and she would be -- >> stephen: a man witch. >> a gay man witch. >> stephen: sure, a sandwich is a sandwich, but a man witch is a meal. ( applause ). >> it-- it depends how much meat you're talking about stephen. but... ( laughter ) anyway, so, and tiffany's, obviously, a black woman. so we hit the street to find who's going to be the third witch to round out more-diverse cast. >> sir, it's tiffany haddish.
>> how are you. >> we're going to make a more diverse "hocus-pocus." are. >> we're doing hocus-pocus with tiffany haddish. where are you from. >> china. >> i'd love a chinese witch. >> me, too. >> are you straight or gay? >> i'm a lesbian. >> yes! yes! chinese lesbian witch! crazy witch asian! yes, so-- >> stephen: it has a happy ending. >> there is a happy ending. and, actually-- i loved those ladies. so i call them "crazy witch asians." and then-- and then-- and then the actual director of "crazy rich asians" john chu, found the exproo tweeted at me, hashtag crazy witch asian. so this might happen now. >> stephen: outside of your work, billy, outside of your work, how are you? like, how are you in your life right now?
>> i'm good. i-- here's how i'm really feeling, stephen. i am so ready to vote. i -- >> stephen: right. >> have never-- i -- >> stephen: it's building up, isn't it? >> because the hours are now counting down stephen. >> stephen: this is friday night, saturday, sunday, monday-- four days. >> almost election day. i have never been more ready to vote. i am going to, like, explode. i am, like, horny, but to vote. like, literally. ( laughter ) i just-- i want to get in a room-- i'm not kid ago and i want to vote my brains out, stephen! >> stephen: pull that little curtain. pull that little curtain. >> i want to vote and vote and vote with you until i don't have a drop left to vote with. and i want to get up in the morning and i want to vote again, stephen! ( laughter ) i am telling you -- >> stephen: are you an early voter? >> i vote-- ( laughter ) ( applause )
>> stephen, i once voted six times in one day! ( laughter ). >> stephen: wow! >> yes, i will vote morning, noon, and night. and, stephen, i want to vote so hard this year. and i want to make it so blue. i want it to be so blue. ( cheers and applause ) it-- it-- it can't-- i want our next senator to be smurfet. that's how plu i want it to be. >> stephen: you've got blue balance is what you've got right now. >> exactly. only a blue wave can cure blue (bleep), stephen. >> stephen: you said you want to glam up the midterms. >> yes. >> stephen: i understand you want to vote. how do you glam up the midterms. >> i started a campaign with funny or die, producing "billy on the street" with me for years, called "glam up the midterms." i have been in phoenix, vegas, houston with gabby gifford, and march for our lives, all with one goal in mind: i want lady
gaga to win an oscar. >> stephen: so you're serious. >> i have been talking to young voters. election day is coming up. i saw only 12% of millennials voted in the last midterm election. we need that number to be higher. it's a staggeringly low figure. here's the thing-- millennials get a lot of crap, but, also, no young generation has done more community service and volunteered more than millennials do. it's not that they don't care about the world. it's that they don't think you can effect change through voting. and what i've been telling them is i've seen you guys out at the women's march. i've seen you at march for our lives. you saw you at town halls saving your health care and your we need to take that energy and. march for our lives to the voting booth. because none of it mattered-- go and vote for people that feel the way do you. >> stephen: neem that generation may not know they are
right now the single largest group of voters in united states. it used to be the baby boomers. now the millennial generation is actually larger than the baby boomer generation. so they can make all the difference in the world. >> they can. they could be the most influential voting bloc. but you're not the most influential voting bloc if you don't actually go vote. >> stephen: this is true, this is true. "american horror story," obviously, is-- what season is this for you? >> this is season-- my second season and it's season eight. this is apocalypse. >> stephen: apocklism, okay. the director, ryan murphy, i have a question: do you think he likes you or do you, he hates you? because this is one of your two characters. >> yes, that's me. >> stephen: he has you doing. >> that's me on "american horror story." i play two different characters this season. this is brock after a nuclear attack. and when i -- >> stephen: spoiler alert-- there's a nuclear attack. >> yes, well, it is called "apocalypse." thanks for watching the show. we're on episode 8, stephen. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm sorry, is that
on cbs? >> no, you're thinking of "murphy brown." >> i don't know what that means. but, yes, i'm playing this character brock. this is him after a nuclear attack, and when i first looked in the mirror and i thought oh, my god i am so old and wrinkly and white i could be a senator. i look like-- i literally look like chuck grassley. i mean, this is why we need younger, fresher voice voices in congress, stephen. >> stephen: so this is one of the two. you'd think oh, surely the other one would be a more attractive character. >> i would think that. >> stephen: there gu. ( laughter ). >> yes-- so-- >> stephen: are you playing a medievamed surf. >> i play a nuclear scientist who designs robots. this character appeared this week. i'm wearing a crazy wig. here's the funny part of it. i'm wearing a wig but no makeup.
the rest of it is me. there's another actor on the show who i love dearly so i won't say who it is -- >> stephen: who is it? >> i can't tell you. i walked on the set and they saw me in the wig and we laughed about the wig and how weird it looked, and they said, "are you wearing a fake nose? is that a prosthetic nose?" and said, "no, it's not. that's my nose!" and then we laughed and laughed. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i can beat that. >> how you can beat that? >> stephen: i can beat that. do you remember the show "strgs with candy?" >> of course,. >> stephen: we shot the pilot and then were going to shoot the very first episode. when we were shooting the first episode, i believe it was the script supervisor, and i was about to go on stage-- i was about to go on. i was about to walk on to shoot my first scene and the script supervisor comes up behind me and goes, "oh, my god. that is hilarious. i didn't know you were going to wear a fake ass." and i same, "i'm not wearing a
fake ass." and she quit. ( laughter ) >> and her name was tina fey! and look at her. now. >> stephen: well, billy. >> thank you. >> stephen: always a pleasure. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: help him glam up the midterms by voting on tuesday! billy eichner, everybody! we'll be right back with itzhak perlman. alexa, play weekend mix. the new lincoln mkc. connecting the world inside, with the world outside. so you can move through both a little easier. introducing the well-connected 2019 lincoln mkc. face the world as a face t with.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to "the late show." folks, my next guest is a grammy and emmy award-winning violinist who performed at age 13 on this very stage 60 years ago tonight. please welcome, itzhak perlman maestro. maestro, good to see you. ( applause ) nice to see you again. >> nice to be here. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: all right, so tonight, tonight is the 60th anniversary of your appearance
on the "ed sullivan show" in 1958. what-- what did that performance mean to you at age 13? >> it was very exciting. i remember the orchestra was sitting right there. and i was doing the mendelson violin concerto with two cellos, two fiddles and a bunch of winds. and i'm telling you it was okay. ( laughter ). >> stephen: your performance was okay? >> well, i think i played all right. but what did i know? i was 13. i didn't know. >> stephen: well why don't we-- why don't we find out. we have a clip here. >> oh! >> stephen: this is from that night 60 years ago. jim. >> this little boy here is iztkah perlman. he's a violin vitueoseo of great merit. and i'm g p for y a plad for us in israel. all of our great-- well, you hear him. itzhak.
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: okay? >> shows what practice does. >> stephen: exactly. did you have any notes for the kids? >> what? >> stephen: any boy, anything you would tell him to change? >> oh, him. i have to talk to him about this. ( laughter ). >> stephen: you are known for your joy, your personal joy, your joy in your performance, but also you embody a great sense of joy. how do you maintain your joy i in-- in these turb leapt times that are so-- so divisive and
are dark for so many people? >> well, it's very difficult. it's very difficult. especially in the incident in pittsburgh, you know, with the horrible massacre at tree of life synagogue. and all you have to do is you have to remember and you have to hope because anti-semitism is here. and we shouldn't think about it as something that happened in the past. it's here. and, you know, we have to get together and support each other. and music is just something that helps heal. that's all i have to do. i mean, it's tough-- times are tough. but we have music at least. ( applause ). >> stephen: what are you playing for us tonight? >> tonight i'll play a little piece by vinyovski, polish violinist, something fast. and then we're going to do something slow. it's a piece by gershwin. >> stephen: "someone to watch over me"? >> i hope so.
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four years ago, we rejected marshall tuck and his billionaire backers for superintendent of public instruction. but they're back. the corporate billionaires and their handpicked candidate, former wall street banker marshall tuck. tuck's billionaires have spent over $25 million distorting tony thurmond's outstanding record on education. all because they know tuck shares their agenda: diverting funds from our public schools into their corporate charter schools. the same agenda as trump and betsy devos. protect our public schools. say no, again, to marshall tuck. protect our public schools. big corporations are making and just got a huge tax break. but the middle class is struggling.
prop c is a common-sense plan. the top 1% of businesses pay their fair share to tackle homelessness for all of us. companies with revenue greater than $50 million pay, not small businesses or homeowners. the prop c plan is supported by the democratic party, nancy pelosi & dianne feinstein vote "yes" on c. big corporations pay for it, not you. "look what she's accomplished... she authored the ban on assault weapons... pushed the desert protection act through congress, and steered billions of federal dollars to california projects such as subway construction and wildfire restoration." "she... played an important role in fighting off ...trump's efforts to kill the affordable care act." california news papers endorse dianne feinstein for us senate. california values senator dianne feinstein
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