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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  December 25, 2018 11:35pm-12:37am PST

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a passport. >> they already have shania twain and gordon lightfoot and tony mitchell. >> that is a good legal theory, i cannot wait for president trump to tweet about this issue. more news tomorrow morning at 4:30 am. mary christmas. captioning sponsored by cbs >> special counsel robert mueller is recommending no jail time for president trump's former national security advisor, michael flynn. mueller cited flynn's "substantial assistance" with the russia investigation. >> but the details of exactly what he shared were largely redacted, because those matters are still under investigation. >> looking for the perfect way to celebrate the holidays? well, let hallmark help. introducing the "robert mueller holiday card collection." you'll say everything by saying nothing. like, "merry redacted. wishing you peace, love, and redacted this season." ( laughter ) "thanks for shining a light on redacted.
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won't you guide my prosecution tonight?" "you better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout... and this is why-- redacted." >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, redacted. plus, stephen welcomes jeff daniels and emily mortimer. featuring jon batiste and stay human.d now, live on tape from e ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: come on! wooo! there we go! hello! hi, everybody! yeah! nice. beautiful, beautiful! ( band playing ) welcome one and all. please have a seat. thanks so much for being here. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert.
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today-- ( cheers and applause ) thanks very much. today, of course, was the official state funeral for president george h.w. bush, so it was a quiet day in america. there was no mail delivery, federal offices were shuttered, wall street was closed. although, that was because after yesterday's 800-point plunge, they were all buying clean underwear. ( laughter ) um, it was, it was a full state funeral. it was quite a moving sight to see the presidents and the first ladies in the front row, waiting to honor president bush, chatting comfortably with one another. until trump showed up, and then it became silent-staring time. ( laughter ) donald trump is the only person in the world who can bring down a funeral. ( laughter ) then-- ( cheers and applause ) then came the point in the
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ceremony where the priest and the congregation read the apostles' creed. see if you can spot the odd person out in this clip. >> he suffered under pontius pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried. he descended to the dead. on the third day, he rose again. he ascended into heaven. ( laughter ) >> stephen ( as trump ): "oh, i'm sorry. i zoned out there for a minute. i was thinking about all the evangelicals who voted for me. okay, what are we doing? the macarena? i'm in." ( laughter ) of course, earlier this year president trump was not invited to former firs bba but was wcome tftthamily prisep tld avo they even assured him that the choir would drown out the sound of other ex-presidents rolling in their graves. ( laughter ) the ceremony-- the ceremony was
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a touching tribute to a kind man who had dedicated his entire life to public service. >> when george bush was president of the united states of america, every single head of government in the world knew that they were dealing with a gentleman. a genuine leader, one who was distinguished, resolute, and brave. >> if you were down, he would rush to lift you up. and if you were soaring, he would rush to savor your success. >> his life code, as he said, was "tell the truth. don't blame people." >> stephen: stirring words, but cnn put those words in a new context. >> some of the comments-- i mean, you know, hearing meacham say, "tell the truth. don't blame people. do your best. forgive, stay the course." >> it sounds anti-trump, but it isn't necessarily. >> stephen: nah, it kind of is.
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( laughter and applause ) as soon as you start-- as soon as you start praising someone's honesty, you're automatically throwing shade at donald trump. i mean, obama made trump seem like a bad president just by sitting next to him. and last night-- ( cheers and applause ) last night, president trump met with the bush family at blair house. here he is arriving by presidential motorcade. um, here's the thing: blair house is literally across the street from the white house. and trump used the motorcade to travel 250 yards. that's like mailing a letter to your wife because she's upstairs and you can't find the remote. ( laughter ) and, remember, the president doesn't just hop in a car. trump used a stretch limo and an eight-vehicle motorcade. now, we did the math, and eight s.u.v.s plus a stretch limo lined up end to end is about 50
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yards. that means before they even started the engines, it was already one-fifth of the way there. ( laughter ) big news-- oh, there's big news last night out of the mueller investigation. because fairly late last night, the special counsel dropped a sentencing recommendation for former trump national security advisor and dad who's not angry, he's disappointed... and also very, very angry-- ( laughter ) michael flynn. now, you'll recall that last year flynn pleaded guilty to lying to the f.b.i. about conversations he had with the russian ambassador to the united states, sergey kislyak, just days after trump's inauguration. yes, trump's team was ready on day one to lie about what they did on day two. ( laughter ) according to mueller, flynn helped substantially with the special counsel's investigation and should receive little or no prison time. my, my... he must have given them
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something really good. ( laughter ) if by "really good," you mean really bad. ( laughter ) apparently flynn gave mueller firsthand information about contacts between donald trump's transition team and russian government officials, including documents. ooh, what could they be? secret communiqués? encrypted emails? a note from trump to putin? "will you collude with me? check one: yes or no." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) yes. i think yes. we should check the "yes." yes. yes. and that can't be all flynn told them, because he had 19 interviews with mueller's office. so what exactly did flynn tell mueller? well, let's take a look. "the defendant has provided substantial assistance in a criminal investigation." and the rest is blacked out. >> jon: wow. >> stephen: when donald trump complained this investigation was costing us millions, i
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didn't know he meant in toner. ( laughter ) by the way, that's what every trump staffer's resume is going to look like after this. ( laughter ) "okay, mr. mnuchin, where did you work from 2016 to 2019?" "that's confidential!" ( laughter ) of course-- ( piano riff ) not everyone thinks that flynn's sentencing recommendation looks damning. take republican congressman and man who thinks he's talking on the phone right now-- ( laughter ) mark meadows. meadows went on the fox news to say how this whole flynn thing is actually great for trump. >> i think it's good news for president trump tonight that this is what it's come down to-- even though they said he substantially cooperated, i think he substantially cooperated to say that there was no collusion. >> stephen: "yeah, you see? flynn spent those all hours that trump didn't collude! it's just 19 hours of redacted innocence." ( laughter ) and you know who agrees?
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steve doocy over at "fox & friends." >> this was essentially the point person there during the transition. and if he's getting zero jail time, that should tell you a lot about the state of collusion. >> but, steve, but he got it because they claim that he is cooperating. so, what did he say? we don't know, because most of this stuff is redacted. >> but where is the collusion part? there is no mention of that. >> but there's no report yet! >> there's no mention of collusion so far. ( laughter ) >> stephen: it's true, it's true. it's a good point. that's an excellent point. it's an excellent point. it's like the old saying, "see no evil. okay, no evil, i guess." ( laughter ) but what does doocy think-- what does he think is under all those black bars? just nipples? what's under there? ( laughter ) also-- by the way, have you ever shopped at "just nipples?" >> jon: no. >> stephen: don't. >> jon: okay. i'll take your word. >> stephen: they also have housewares. also not buying it was trump lawyer and phantom of the administration-- ( laughter )
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rudy giuliani. giuliani was unimpressed with mueller's work, and he texted a staffer at "politico": "wow big crime for a special whatever." "special whatever"? i think giuliani has entered his "mean girl" phase. ( laughter ) "whatever." >> jon: "whatever." >> stephen: whatever. >> jon: whatever. >> stephen: "whatever. you're going to indict michael flynn wearing those shoes? whatever. ( laughter ) why would you wear that?" ( laughter and applause ) "that's stupid." ( laughter ) and a few days ago, giuliani tweeted: "mueller filed an indictment just as the president left for g-20. in july, he indicted the russian who will never come here, just before he left for helsinki. either could have been done
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earlier or later. out of control! supervision, please?" now, notice how giuliani didn't put a space after this period, so it created a hyperlink, because ".in" directs to websites in india. well, someone bought that domain, so now when you click "" you see, "donald j. trump is a traitor to our country." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: oh, my! look at that! they're trying to spread the word. ( piano riff ) >> stephen: once again, the internet leaks a huge spoiler. ( laughter ) giuliani did not take this calmly. "twitter allowed someone to invade my text with a disgusting anti-president message." >> stephen: no, no, they didn't! you're just old. ( laughter ) "alert the police! someone hacked my landline. i can't get an operator to connect me to klondike 532!
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hello! hello! hello, mabel? hello, mabel? make this a station-to-station call. where's the--" click. "hello?" ( laughter ) he continued, "the same thing-- period no space-- occurred later, and it didn't happen. don't tell me they are not committed, card-carrying anti- trumpers." wait, there's a card? does it get you discounts at the cnn store? ( laughter ) giuliani is complaining because he also didn't put a space between helsinki dot either, and that did not create a hyperlink. although, if it did, i assume it would send you to a dating site for "not picky finnish bisexuals. ( laughter ) it's cold. who cares?" but here, sir, mr. giuliani, here's why it didn't make a hyperlink: either isn't a domain name.
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now, i wouldn't expect a 74- year-old man to know that, except for the fact that giuliani is trump'sbersecity ad. ( laughter ) "oh, absolutely, absolutely. rudy is a tech wizard. he's the one who taught me how to type 'boobs' into a calculator." ( laughter ) "five-eight-zero-zero." ( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight. jeff daniels is here! ( cheers and applause ) but when we return, animal rights activists say the darndest things. join us, won't you? ( band playing ) (robot) inferior phone detected! (photographer) ugh. this screen! (sprintern) you know, sprint has the awesome new iphone xr. (photographer) oooh. let's take a picture! (robot) cool! and sprint will give you the iphone xr to use for $0 a month when you lease the latest iphone.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and stay human, everybody, right there! ( cheers and applause )
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jon, we have a lovely audience here tonight. we have a lovely audience here tonight. unbelievable people. so excited. so nice. ( cheers and applause ) people get-- people get-- you know, folks, there's the post- holiday blues, or the blahs. but we have the pre-holiday excitement. you can kind of feel the electricity in the air. decorations. people are getting their shopping done, putting up their decorations. ( cheers and applause ) they're going to be with their loved ones, soon. you know what everybody is giving each other this christmas, the gift of the season is "whose boat is this boat?" >> jon: that's right. >> stephen: these are comments that don't help in the aftermath of a hurricane by donald trump. all of our proceeds, of course, go to five charities helping out the victims of hurricane florence and michael, south carolina, north carolina, georgia, and florida. can't forget these people. now, here's the thing: haven't talked about the book in a couple of days, as of yesterday. ( laughter ) and i checked on amazon, and we
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were number 11 on amazon. we have not been out of the- no, no, listen-- yes, it's exciting. but we had not been out of the top 10 since the book was launched two months ago, okay? we're back at number seven today. so all is right with the world. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: yes, see you got to keep talking about it, spread the word. >> stephen: please, if you haven't got one and you're saying i'll buy it later, buy it now. we're so close to selling a very specific number of these. it's a good number, it's a fun number. when we eventually tell you how much of these we've sold you'll go, "oh, i know that number." ( laughter ) it's a big one. >> jon: it's a popular number. >> stephen: it's a really big number. remember, it's for people who need your help. so, don't be a bad person. buy this. ( laughter ) have you ever wondered if peta could find a way to be more annoying than throwing blood at you? ( laughter ) surprise: they have a twitter account. yesterday, peta announced they hope to replace "anti-animal" language with alternative phrases. instead of saying, "kill two birds with one stone," they want you to say, "feed two birds with one scone." ( laughter )
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instead of saying, "take the bull by the horns," they want you to say, "take the flower by the thorns." of course, what all of these new phrases actually translate to is, "you're going to want to find someone else at the party to talk to." ( laughter ) peta claims that anti-animal phrases are just as bad as prejudicial language used against humans, tweeting, "just as it became unacceptable to use racist, homophobic, or ableist language, phrases that trivialize cruelty to animals will vanish." "unacceptable to use racist and homophobic language?" peta, have you read twitter? we've got bigger fish to fry! oh, i'm sorry. we've got a bigger wish to fly. ( laughter and applause ) ( piano riff ) but, hey, maybe i'm behind the times, tre aot oir timal int veert thl say toch otherhe for example, instead of saying,
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"you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink," you should say, "your horse has a drinking problem and needs counseling." ( laughter ) and instead of saying, "there's more than one way to skin a cat," it's much more sensitive to say, "there are three ways to skin a cat, but that's not really what i would call 'first date' conversation." ( laughter ) and don't say, "let's eliminate all the gorillas with extreme prejudice." woke people say, "let's circle back on this tomorrow." and i think we've all said, "let's lock this giraffe in an abandoned laundromat and emotionally abuse it until it doesn't-- ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) this is the price of not rehearsing. ( laughter ) and i think we've all said, "let's lock this giraffe in an abandoned laundromat and emotionally abuse it until it doesn't know who to trust anymore."
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but next time try, "thursday works for me!" you're welcome, peta! we'll be right back with jeff daniels! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) share the love event, we've shown just how far love can go. (grandma vo) over one hundred national parks protected. (mom vo) more than fifty thousand animals rescued. (old man vo) nearly two million meals delivered. (mom vo) over eighteen hundred wishes granted. (vo) that's one hundred and forty million dollars donated to charity by subaru and its retailers over eleven years. (girl) thank you. (boy) thank you. (old man) thank you. (granddaughter) thank you.
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( band playing "she loves you" by the beatles ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! over here? folks, my first guest tonight is an emmy award-winning actor you know from "godless," "the looming tower," and "dumb and dumber." he now returns to broadway as atticus finch in "to kill a mockingbird." please welcome, jeff daniels! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause )
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back. >> thank you very much. >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> nice to be seen. >> stephen: now, we've got to get you out of here because you've got to do a show tonight, right? >> yes, yes. >> stephen: where-- what theater is this at. >> shubert theatre. >> stephen: shubert theatre, okay. >> on broadway. >> stephen: you're on broadway right now. this is also on broadway. >> it is. >> stephen: yeah. >> i can't go back-- i just go beatles, beatles, beatles. the beatles were here. it always kills me. >> stephen: yeah, me, too. yeah, me, too. and elvis. >> elvis. >> stephen: elvis, yeah. >> and then skiles and henderson and simon and schuster and-- now we're into the comics. >> stephen: yeah, sure. >> it's just such a great theater. >> stephen: it really is, it really is. now, did you take the-- did you
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take the-- to get here tonight, did you take the pneumatic tube that joins all broadway theaters together? >> there is? ( laughter ) >> stephen: oh, yeah. >> i haven't been down in that. >> stephen: we put you in the cylinder and you go-- you pop up on stage. um, as i've said-- i've talked to you about this before on the show, but you're the eldest son of a prosperous michigan lumberyard owner. what was your dad's advice when you wanted to go off and be an actor? was he thumbs up, thumbs down? >> well, they were-- my mom and dad were very supportive of me when i was doing roles like tevye on "fiddler on the roof." >> stephen: natural. ( laughter ) >> natural. 18, blond, and not a clue what jewish was. >> stephen: happy hanukkah, by the way. >> thank you so much, whatever that means. ( laughter ) but they knew there was something there. and so, he let me-- they were very supportive "go." and then after years, it worked out. and then about 15 years ago you know when i was still going, "i don't know, i'm trying to get
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this, i'm trng tt that telyou somethin ( laughtero)ng towinour ce >> stephen: what does that mean? >> that's-- "i don't know a lot about acting, but when that happens, look out." ( laughter ) >> stephen: has it happened, do you think? do you think it's happened? >> i think it just happened. i think atticus finch is-- how do i top that? how do i-- you're playing atticus finch on broadway. >> stephen: and here you are. >> i've grown into the thing. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: here is the face. here is the face in question right there. fully grown. linen suit and all. ( cheers and applause ) >> yup. pretty lucky. >> stephen: now, this is a new adaptation that aaron sorkin did from the novel. >> from the novel, correct. >> stephen: and i understand that he did the adaptation and brought it to you and said, "i wrote this for you, with you in mind." >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: what does that feel
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like? because at first he's like, "hey, i have something for you." and then you find out it's atticus finch. >> well, i-- you know, i'm just stupid. i just said, "so, i should probably read the book, right?" ( laughter ) >> stephen: you had never-- you had never read-- >> no. >> stephen: "to kill a mockingbird"? >> no. >> stephen: are you american? >> i know, i know, i know! >> stephen: are you a citizen? >> we read "lord of the flies" and i read "farewell to arms." it wasn't on the curriculum! it just wasn't. >> stephen: wow. >> i know. >> stephen: wow. when you read it-- when you finally became a full-fledged american and read it-- >> i said, this is a big part! that's what i said. ( laughter )rs anduse) ow!" "this is, like, a leading role!" >> stephen: wow, yeah. you could do boo radially, too. ( laughter ) >> it was just-- first of all, it was sorkin, and having done "newsroom" for three years, we have such a great-- ( cheers and applause )
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--thank you. we have such a great rapport. creatively-- he just writes it, and i just do it. and we don't-- it's almost-- we don't talk about it. so for him to tailor atticus for me based on the book, it's just the role of a lifetime. >> stephen: the little town you grew up in in michigan, do they remind you of each other? >> yeah, they are both small towns, chelsea, michigan has two stop lights, basically. and i'm sure monroeville has two, maybe one. but that whole small-town dynamic of, that "peyton place" kind of soap opera. >> stephen: everybody knows everybody. everybody knows everybody's business. >> and to research it and go back to 1934 alabama, which is... as bad as the racism is now and the divide is now, to see that kind of-- the presence of the k.k.k. back there. and all the research i did to try to figure out what does atticus see when he's standing
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on his porch? and it's scary, it's scary how serious it was then. still is now. but that-- it wasn't necessarily reminding me of my hometown. but i remember my dad, he brought in a guy-- i remember, i was eight or nine years old in my town in michigan, and i walked in, and there was a guy, african american guy, named herbie pearson. and he goes, "jeffrey, this is a friend of mine, herbie pearson. and he's going to be a friend of yours and so is every african american you're going to ever see." he didn't have to say a word. and herbie passed away in september, and i have his picture up on my dressing room mirror. it's that kind-- it's that kind of awareness-- you know? ( applause ) that's-- so, you know, i mean, there-- i didn't have to go very far. my dad passed away, but i didn't have to go very far to find an atticus. my dad was a lot like atticus. so was a guy named frank
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johnson, who was a federal judge in alabama, who i studied, the accent and the whole deal. and he was-- he could have been atticus growing up as a federal judge and all of that. so i focused on those two guys, and the book, and then you kind of go out there with sorkin's words. and all the people that are sitting there with the book, you know-- >> stephen: what about-- >> "go ahead, go ahead." we're going, "put the book down. hang on." >> stephen: what about the specter of gregory peck? >> all due respect. the guy won an oscar for it, and deservedly so. and he's iconic to a lot of people. >> stephen: was that daunting at all? did you say to sorkin, like, "wait, there's already a performance of--" no? >> no. ( laughter ) >> stephen: "bring it, peck." is that what it was? good for you. >> no-- look, you have to. you can't go out there and go, "gee, i hope they kind of see gregory." no, you've got to-- he either gave the definitive performance,
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which is you can't imagine anybody else in the role. or he's the only guy who got to do it. >> stephen: oh. >> i choose the second ( applause ) >> stephen: i like that. that's nice. >> i have to. i have to. >> stephen: of course. ( applause ) how many broadway shows is this for you now? >> five or six. >> stephen: "or six." who knows, who cares? >> i don't know. >> stephen: really? >> will there ever be another one? i don't know. i mean, what do i do after this? what do i do? you tell me what to do. ( laughter ) i'm ted williams in the ninth inning. and i hopefully hit a home run. i'm in it for a year. i'm in this thing for a year. >> stephen: a year? >> eight shows a week. how many shows a week do you do? ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) he does a lot. he does-- he does-- he does a lot of shows. >> stephen: i do 202 shows a year. >> that's a lot of shows.
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>> stephen: okay? and do you write a new play every night? ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> damn it! i'm-- i'm gonna tonight. i'm going to go out there and ad-lib. >> stephen: you're a consummate professional. have you ever broken character on stage? have you ever-- you failed as a professional? ( laughter ) because you have to stay in character. you have to stay in character. that's the first job. >> yes, yes, i did a play off broadway. "three sisters," it's a chekhov play, written by anton chekhov in 1900. i play andre, the son, who is, you know, troubled. and he's got an assistant, an old assistant, and it was an actor they hired by the name of jerome-- i have forgotten his last name. jerome was 92-years-old at the time we did the play in like the early 80s. >> stephen: they hired a 92- year-old man? >> early '80s >> stephen: was it five performances?
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( laughter ) >> eight shows-- eight shows a week for jerome. and-- and-- and jerome-- it was early '80s we did the play, written in 1900. he was 92. he was older than the play. ( laughter ) so, jerome, he's standing behind me, and of course the thing is andre enters sobbing-- oh, that's easy, you know? so you're killing your dog. you're doing all the things you have to do to try to get there, you know. and i'm sort of there. and then i hear what is the sound of a truck backfiring behind me. it's jerome farting. ( laughter ) >> stephen: 92-year-old. >> he's unaware what's going on. i mean, pffffft! it took out the wall. enter sobbing. ( laughter )
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get me out of this show. >> stephen: well, "to kill a mockingbird" opens on broadway at the shubert theatre december 13. jeff daniels, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) we'll be right back with emily mortimer! ♪ cleaning floors with a mop and bucket is a hassle, meaning you probably don't clean as often as you'd like. for a quick and convenient clean, try swiffer wetjet. there's no heavy bucket, or mop to wring out, because the absorb and lock technology traps dirt and liquid inside the pad. it's safe to use on all finished surfaces tile, laminate and hardwood. and it prevents streaks and hazing better than a micro fiber strip mop, giving you a thorough clean the first time. for a convenient clean, try swiffer wetjet with a money back guarantee. brand power. helping you buy better. hurry in for up to seventy five percent off storewide
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: hey! welcome back to "the late show," everybody. folks, my next guest tonight is an actress you know best from "the newsroom" and "30 rock."sh e stnow >> father! come quick! quickly! >> what is it, georgie? >> has something happened? >> i was flying a kite, and i got caught on a nanny. >> whatever are you talking about? >> come, come look! >> where did you get that kite? >> i found it in the park. she kept it from blowing away. ♪ ♪ >> mary poppins. >> close your mouth, please, michael, we are still not a cod fish. jean banks, still rather inclined to giggle, i see. >> stephen: please welcome, emily mortimer. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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>> stephen: hey! nice to see you. we also have jeff daniels on tonight. it's "the newsroom" old home week around here. >> i know, reunited. >> stephen: do you guys talk? >> yes, he told me to ask you if you had a secret kinky boyhood crush on julie andrews as mary poppins, which i took to mean that he must have had a secret kinky boyhood crush on julie andrews ( laughter ) >> stephen: that question says much more about him than me. >> more revealing about him. >> stephen: the answer would be, no. but i did have a crush on maria, from "the sound of music." >> oh, so, yeah, so you did. >> stephen: yeah. mary poppins is a little stand- offish. ( laughter ) >> a bit weird. >> stephen: yeah, a bit strange, but odd. you don't know what is going to happen. "where is this relationship going?" you want to say. >> totally, and she arrives and leaves on a cloud, which is also a bit disconcerting. >> stephen: right, and maria, you know, she is choosing between a nun and you. between god and you.
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>> yes. >> stephen: so when she chooses you, you feel very sexy. ( laughter ) well, you-- i found this out, you're one of those fancy oxford students who has got-- you know, very smart, very smart person. >> yeah, but then i ( bleep ) away my expensive education and became an actress. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's true. that's true. >> what was i thinking? >> stephen: actors can travel a little light up here. you're burdened down by this massive education. and it's in russian history? what is it, russian literature? >> russian and english literature. >> stephen: you went to russia, didn't you? >> i did, yes. >> stephen: how old were you when you went? >> i was 17, nearly 18. >> stephen: and is that when you were acquired as an asset by the soviets? >> totally, i have been colluding ever since. ( laughter ) >> stephen: what was it like? what year is this? >> so, it was '89-'90, the year that the berlin wall came down. >> stephen: wow! >> and it kig. it was my coming of age, and it coincided with this incredible moment in history. >> stephen: watching the world
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wake up from history. >> yes, and i had a boyfriend-- >> stephen: oh, so you're a russian, was it sort of like a-- >> romance. >> stephen: no, i know it was a romance. was it like a russian novel? was it-- >> well, i thought so. although i wanted him to be-- he was called, "dennis," which i thought was rather disappointing. ( laughter ) >> stephen: he was a native russian named dennis? >> yes, he was a russian poet, all of which was great, but he was called dennis, which was sort of disappointing. i wanted him to be called vladivostok or something. anyway, he was very charming. all he could say in english was ( russian accent ) "hello, i'm tony dakota and i'm an astronaut from minnesota." ( laughter ) and i was just like-- and totally in love already. and i don't think that i understood anything that he ever said because i hardly spoke russian, and he didn't speak any english apart than that. he could have been talking about car maintenance, but it didn't matter. >> stephen: because you were speaking the language of love. >> yes, but he had a mustache that-- >> stephen: but he had a mustache. >> well, in those days, it was-- now, everybody has a mustache and it's very cool.
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but then, only russian poets had mustaches and i thought it was kind of weird. >> stephen: what is it like to hang out with a russian poet? like, what were his friends like? >> great. he had seven friends-- he was one of seven russian poets and we would all go-- >> stephen: you and seven russian poets? >> yes. >> stephen: that's a sequel to "snow white." ( laughter ) >> yes. it kind of was a bit like that, really kind of weird, "snow white." but we went-- >> stephen: did they all have mustaches? >> yes, they all had beards and mustaches. and i didn't like them. and i waited until he got very drunk and passed out one night, and i started to shave his mustache off. ( crowd reacts ) isn't that awful? it's awful, now that i think of it. but i got halfway through and he woke up. ( laughter ) and he cried because he-- >> stephen: oh! because he's russian? >> because he's russian, "a." and, "b," he hadn't not had a mustache since he was 14 years old, he said. poor dennis. it's terrible what i did to him. because he had to, obviously, shave the rest of it off.
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>> stephen: what did he look like without the mustache, better? >> much better, i thought. >> stephen: what did he say? was he mad at you? >> he said, "in russia, we have a saying: 'eating an egg-- kissing a man without a mustache is like eating an egg without salt.'" and i was like, i'm still pleased i got rid of your mustache. >> stephen: eating an egg with a mustache is even better because it gets caught up in the mustache. >> totally. >> stephen: did you watch "mary poppins" as a little girl? did you love it? >> yes, i did love it. i think everybody did. it's part of all of our childhood, and it's an amazing, beautiful, wonderful film. >> stephen: in the movie, did you get to do all the fun things you want to do when you see mary poppins when you were a kid? obviously you sing, but do you get to do fly work and stuff like that? >> yes. >> stephen: was that terrifying? >> yes. it was terrifying. i have a preternatural fear of flying, and also of singing. i'm a terrible singer, too. i had to be-- >> stephen: so it was a nightmare for you. >> it was a total, living nightmare. ( laughter ) it was a living nightmare.
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i had to sing while being on a rope. sw.t e yeah. >> stephen: yeah. >> but luckily, rob marshal-- he directed the film-- he's very encouraging, so he sort of kept telling me how wonderful i was at flying and singing. and at the end of it, i felt like i could actually maybe fly, even without a rope. >> stephen: "you're not going to die!" >> poor-- lin-manuel miranda is my sort of-- i don't know if i'm allowed to say this, but-- vaguely sort of romantic interest in the film. >> stephen: you're probably not allowed to say that. so say that one more time. say it one more time. you have an affair with lin- manuel miranda. ( laughter ) you might be in trouble. >> i feel like i'm going to be in terrible trouble. >> stephen: disney might be mad at you right now. but they don't own this new york so ( bleep ) 'em. ( laughter )
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"mary poppins returns" is in theaters december 19. emily mortimer, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back. machine. cold and flg you put in your machine. press the button to brew up powerful relief. to defeat your toughest cold and flu symptoms fast. new theraflu powerpods. press. sip. relief. ♪ and with ties so strongng that your hearts are bound ♪ ♪ hold them near ♪ the ones you've found found found ♪ ♪ for you know that this is really love ♪ ♪ and your head goes spinning round round round ♪ ♪ 'cause you've found what you've been dreaming of ♪ ♪ but yeah you know that this is really love ♪ whoot! ♪ he eats a bowl of hammers at every meal ♪ ♪ he holds your house in the palm of his hand ♪
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back to "the late show." jon? >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: let me ask you something-- do people ever come up to you and ask you for advice? >> jon: yeah, people come up to me and ask me for advice, music advice, fashion advice. stuff like that. >> stephen: same thing here. it happens to me all the time. i think people think i have good advice-- >> jon: oh, yeah. >> stephen: because i'm a celebrity. because i'm on tv. >> jon: because you're on tv. >> stephen: that's right, but all that means is i avoided taking the good advice of not going into show business when i was younger. >> jon: yes. >> stephen: i don't know what i'm talking about. but people seem to want life advice from celebrities like me, so we're helping out by having them answer your questions in our segment, "dear famous people."
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>> i guess the big question is, are they friends or are they friends with benefits? because if she's giving him health care and a matching 401(k), that's hard to pass up. >> have you tried talking to your boyfriend about this? i know it will be tough finding a time to talk because he's so busy definitely having sex with his ex, but maybe he can squeeze you in. ( laughter ) >> what i would suggest is leap into your boyfriend's ex's body because of a science experiment that's gone awry. and then have a mind-expanding adventure that wraps up in, say, 45 minutes. >> i think you should invite them, and then have the officiant say, "if anyone has any reason these two should not be joined, eat garbage you bigoted scum." ( laughter and applause ) you should also have a chocolate fountain. >> okay, here's what you do--
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invite them to the wedding, then when they are not looking you have the officiant marry them all to each other. then when they try to say something you can be all like, "who are you to judge? you're all incesting each other." boom. >> work on a science experiment, then imagine it goes, let's say, awry. you leap your mean grandma into your fiancée's body, marry your grandma. teach her a lesson about acceptance, and then leap her out-- and this is very important-- before the wedding night. i cannot stress that enough. >> look, show initiative. you should just start killing animals, and bringing them to work. did you say that you worked in a slaughterhouse or that was-- i may have dreamt that. >> in my experience, the best tactic is to just calmly and respectfully approach your boss and tell her, "oprah, i think it's time i got my own show."
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( laughter ) >> experiment, awry, body switch-- i know what you're thinking-- how many times can you use that solution? plenty. i've got two "quantum leap" seasons written already. i just need somebody to give me a green light. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, famous people. we'll be right back. ( band playing )
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>> stephen: now stick around for james corden. good night! >> ( as gregory peck ) tune in to "the late show"" tonight with my guest jeff daniels. he's in a broadway show "to kill a mockingbird." "the looming tower" and "dumb and dumber." he did a scene where he ( bleep ) for a long time. very loudly. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh some f don't you worry ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from inside an interchangeable binary system
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